A study in Denmark found that staying in an unhappy marriage can have a serious detrimental impact on health. Some clear hallmarks of an unhappy marriage include absence of loving behavior, lack of respect between partners, and devaluing of one another. A toxic marriage is characterized by ongoing unhealthy mental, physical, and emotional issues that are unresolved. To revive an unhappy marriage, it is essential to regain insight into what is happening and to practice detachment, focusing on healing yourself, and seeking therapy as a couple or on your own.
Research published in 2020 revealed the most frequently given reasons for divorce from a sample of more than 2,000 people. These included lack of love/intimacy, communication issues, lack of sympathy/respect/trust, stupid little fights becoming big stupid fights, and not feeling relaxed around your spouse. To clean up a contaminated marriage, intentional connection, gratitude, prioritization, and repeat are some simple steps you can take.
An unhappy marriage can also lead to unhealthy independence, disrupt sleep patterns, cause unhealthier eating habits, and lower the immune system, leaving our bodies unable to fight off sickness and disease. Physical symptoms can include severe headaches, diarrhea, and even cancer.
In conclusion, staying in an unhappy marriage can be stressful and potentially lead to negative health effects. It is crucial to seek help from a cardiologist and seek professional help if necessary.
📹 Jordan Peterson: A Failed Marriage Can Kill You
Song: hardknock. – falling tags jordan peterson, jordan b peterson, jordan peterson destiny, destiny jordan peterson, jordan …
What is the number 1 marriage killer?
Marriage Killer Number 1: Criticism. You’ll always have conflict with the person you live with. No two people see the world the same. Complaining and criticism are different. The main difference is where the focus is. Complaints vs. criticism. A complaint is about a specific action or event. For example, the spouse forgot to put the dishes away after the dishwasher finished. You forgot to put the dishes away after the dishwasher finished drying them. You said you would. The other spouse says, “Could you do it now?” Gottman says complaints have three parts: How I feel: angry. What happened: you didn’t sweep. What I need: you do it now. The focus is on the person, not the behavior. A criticism is about the person, not the situation. “You’re so stupid.” You’re always lazy! Gottman calls these “harsh start-ups” and often uses words like “always” or “never.” The most common way to turn a complaint into a criticism is to ask, “What’s wrong with you?”
Can a loveless marriage survive?
Should You Stay in a Loveless Marriage? Even without kids, many couples stay in unhappy marriages for various reasons. Many don’t want to talk to their spouse about how they feel about their marriage because they don’t want to hurt them. But not talking can hurt even more.
People also stay together because of social norms. Society thinks a marriage is successful if it lasts a long time. A 50-year marriage is considered successful even if the couple wasn’t romantic for the last 20 years. A 10-year marriage is not. How to proceed. Some couples stay together for the kids, money, or just because it’s practical. If you don’t love each other, your marriage will suffer. You either stay or leave. If you stay, find out how to be happy in a loveless marriage and decide what you want from the marriage. Some people choose to be happy and end the marriage in hopes of finding a better relationship.
How to survive a miserable marriage?
Show up for your partner. … Keep your friendship strong. … Check in with your partner daily. Don’t assume anything about your partner. … Own up to your part in the argument. … Be open to talking. … Soothe yourself. This guest blog was written by Tina Villis in 2019. It has been updated with more recent information. I took an Uber to meet my spouse for dinner. After some small talk, the driver asked me what I do. “I’m a counselor,” I said. He told me how unhappy his spouse makes him and how he can’t leave his unhappy marriage. He looked at me in the mirror and said, “I have to deal with this.” “Well,” I said. “You told me all your spouse’s faults.” How have you hurt the relationship? He laughed nervously, and we drove in silence.
What is the #1 cause divorce?
Why people are getting divorced in the United States. 42. A recent survey found that lack of commitment is the main reason for divorce. Here are the reasons and their percentages:
Lack of commitment 73%; Argue too much 56%; Infidelity 55%; Married too young 46%; Unrealistic expectations 45%; Lack of equality in the relationship 44%; Lack of preparation for marriage 41%; Domestic Violence or Abuse 25%
Can a toxic marriage survive?
I want you to know that toxic marriages can be saved. With the right changes, toxic marriages can become healthy and secure. Not all toxic marriages can or should be saved. If you’ve lost security and safety in your marriage, it’s toxic and can’t be fixed. It’s best to leave your marriage as soon as you can. Sometimes, you should stop trying to save a toxic marriage. This is when your spouse is abusive. Or if your partner hurts your children and you can’t or won’t stop it.
What is the #1 thing that destroys marriages?
#1: Dishonesty: Being unable to trust your partner with the truth. Dishonesty can be about money, feelings, or just lying. Lying destroys a marriage. It makes it hard to trust your spouse. If you don’t tell your partner how you feel, it will build up until one day they can’t take it anymore.
#2: Disrespect and Devaluing This starts with teasing, laughing, and making jokes at each other’s expense, especially in public. But often, one person crosses a line without realizing it, and it hurts the other person. If you tease your partner, it can hurt your marriage.
#3: Immaturity and pettiness. A relationship needs compromise and selflessness. Arguments over small things are not good. Both parties need to understand that they don’t have to be right all the time. If you keep track of your partner’s faults, it can lead to problems.
Is it better to divorce or stay unhappily married?
A study showed that unhappy married people who divorced were no happier than unhappy married people who stayed married. Divorce didn’t usually make people feel better about themselves or more in control. Divorce is often the best option in a bad marriage. If you are thinking about divorce, you may wonder if you’ll be happier afterwards. There are several things to consider when asking if you will be happier after divorce.
Who makes the decision: If you decide to divorce, you probably think it will make you happier. You see a better future. If you didn’t see the divorce coming, you are probably shocked, angry, or dread the future.
Gender differences: Research shows that men and women have different outcomes.
How a bad marriage can seriously damage your health?
A bad marriage can hurt your health.
Depression, anxiety, and anger — People in bad marriages feel stuck and insecure, which makes them depressed, anxious, and angry.
Heart disease — Stress from bad marriages is as bad for your heart as other bad habits like smoking. This stress raises your blood pressure, cholesterol, and weight, which raises your risk of heart disease and stroke. Disturbed sleep: Tension from fights and anger makes it hard to relax and get a good night’s sleep. Not getting enough sleep is bad for your health. Stress raises blood sugar levels and makes your body less able to use insulin, which can cause type 2 diabetes. Stress makes you eat more, so you gain weight. Studies show that stress affects how your body processes fat and causes weight gain. Stressed couples heal more slowly after surgery or injuries. People in bad marriages get sick more often due to stress. This makes them more vulnerable to illness and infections. They may also turn to bad health habits to feel better.
CONTACT US FOR HELP AND A FREE CONSULTATION. If you’re thinking of leaving a bad marriage, there are lots of things to think about, like money and feelings. Every marriage is different. If your marriage is unhealthy, it can affect your health. This is a reason to end it. Your kids may also be affected by fighting and anger in your marriage. Many children and divorced spouses are better off living in separate homes. There is help for anyone considering leaving a bad marriage. An experienced family law attorney can help you with legal issues from the beginning.
Is it OK to stay in an unhappy marriage?
5. Staying in an unhappy marriage can lead to problems with your children. Staying in an unhappy marriage can make you resent your partner. These feelings can affect your relationships with others. Children of unhappy marriages miss out on good examples of healthy relationships. Tension and stress can make you angry and affect the parent-child relationship, leading to resentment and strained connections. If their childhood was a lie, what else is a lie?
6. Potential relief through separation. Sometimes, separation or divorce can help everyone. A peaceful home could help everyone heal and learn to cope better.
Can a bad marriage ruin your life?
Long-term stress can change the structure of your brain, affecting your mental health.
Borden says that stress from an unhappy marriage can cause depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. Chronic stress can also affect your sleep, says Kelly Neupert, a Chicago-based psychotherapist. Lack of sleep makes your distress worse.
3. More arguments. Staying in an unhappy marriage may make you feel insecure, resentful, or hopeless, which may lead you and your partner to argue more. More conflict makes you feel worse, which makes you argue more.
Is it healthy to stay in a loveless marriage?
Staying in an unhappy marriage can lead to arguments and feelings of rejection. Rejection makes people feel worse about themselves. Low self-esteem hurts your mental and physical health. Research shows that low self-esteem is linked to mental health issues. A 2019 study shows that conflict can harm a marriage and each person in it. Over time, unhappy couples may start to feel negative towards each other. If you don’t deal with these feelings, they’ll come out in arguments.
Can a horrible marriage be saved?
If both partners are willing, things can be resolved. Some major problems make it hard for couples to stay together. Infidelity, abuse, neglect, and domination are issues that can’t be solved.
📹 How to KILL your Marriage (Just…like…I…did)
Marraigeadvice #relationshipadvice #marriage What does your Wife want from you? https://youtu.be/auYW3mpKwlc You can kill …
Been married for five years and I realise that I have been doing a terrible job as a husband. It’s difficult enough commenting about this in public because it’s the first time I am coming out about this. I love my wife and I want to save my marriage. I need help but I need to help myself. God give me the strength. Thank you for your article. Hard truths. Needed truths.
“You’re teaching her to live without you” BINGO! And then, when he finally takes some time to be home, finally making time for the family, he wonders why nobody cares. He expected everyone to be thrilled with his very presence in the house! Instead, he finds everyone doing their own things, because they HAD to. Yes, in his absence, they learned how to live without him.
Had a husband who often worked out of town. One time he came home and I was waiting with his favorite dinner cooked and ready, my hair nice, pretty skirt on, his favorite beer cold…I put both plates on the table, popped open his beer and sat down, asked him how things were going. He took the beer, said his buddies were waiting for him at the bar, and left. I put my plate away, gave his to the dog, and proceeded to drink beer on the back step til way past dark. When I left a year later he was shocked! Stunned! I missed the dog and cats badly, since they’d been my only company. I managed to move one cat into my small apartment. I didn’t miss the so-called husband anymore. This article is spot on.
I tried to tell my first husband this for years, even jumping up and down in front of him saying that things had to change. After 18 years of feeling like I was in the marriage all by myself, I left. He was totally surprised! He actually said, “You have my attention now.” Too late. At that point, I couldn’t stand the sight of him. I still can’t and it’s been 32 years since the divorce.
I’m not married, hell I don’t even have a romantic relationship but I still binge his content. I apply it to other relationships with people, my parents to make sure they know how much I appreciate them for all they have done and continue to do. With my friends to let them know that I do care for them in my own way. All in all, this guy is really helpful.
If my husband asked me some of those questions, I would break out crying. Yeah I’m married, but yeah I’m also alone. By him refusing to participate in “our” life together, I’ve had to drop the “our” and start considering everything in terms of just “my” life, which is so sad because I have so much to give, it’s just not accepted because he doesn’t want to reciprocate. Men really stab their their usefulness in the ribs because they refuse to have freaking conversation. 🙄
All the divorced friends I have decided WAYYYYY before she actually told him they were done. They also warned them SO many times, for years, about the damage of the behaviors (drinking every night, cheating/borderline cheating, major health neglect, not giving affection/initimacy, financial abuse, and even verbal abuse or worse.) I did the same in the two major relationships before I dated to find a real partner (my husband.) Warned like crazy, then all shock and weeping when I said guess what we are DONE. It gets to the point you just laugh about it and wonder what part of “if this doesn’t change, I need to MAKE a change” they didn’t understand. Women can do wrong as well, but I can only speak from my POV as a woman.
Wow! This was my marriage. I was extremely lonely in my marriage. I will allow myself to feel lonely only because I am actually all alone. Nothing worse than having a person sitting right next to you but feel completely alone. My alcoholism got worse too. He earned the version of me that he had. I have nearly 17 years of sobriety now. I am the happiest I have been and I am single. Life is too short to be in a horrible marriage. I’m grateful I can be alone. God is truly all I need, if that’s my only option. ❤
Remember guys, when you ask her what she needs, do not tell her that you don’t believe she needs that, don’t discount what she needs, don’t mock what she needs, do not judge what she asks for, don’t question or challenge her need for something, don’t say you can do what she needs and not follow through, don’t promise anything you don’t intend to do.
As a woman, I just want to say MOST OF US ARE WORKING TOO! So, you may think you’re “providing for the family” but so am I, exactly how you are, THEN I come home, do the dishes, take care of kids, pets, household etc ON TOP of “putting a roof over ALL our heads” when do I get time to play on my phone? Call my friends? etc.? And on top top of that I’m suppose to thank you for “going to work”? Okay, well if you play the game of “I’m a bachelor living with known roommates” and I’m playing “Single mom” guess what? You pay alimony and child support and I get to move on with my life.
50 Hour work week! I’ll take it! Lol. No everything you said is 1000% correct.. I acted like my wife owed me something for paying the bills. I neglected the core foundation of a relationship.. treating here as a equal as my life partner. Looking back I made many mistakes most of the things you said. Thanks for saying what every husband needs to hear.
I have been married 42 years and when asked how we have stayed together so long the answer is always communication. Yes we have had tough times and yes we get angry at each other but after a short cooling off time we talk about it and work it out. I know I have not always been easy to live with but I can accept this and make changes when needed. Coming from a younger man this is some of the best insight that can be given. You can say that the work in a marriage needs to be 50/50 but the effort to get there needs to be 100/100. Meaning if you only put in 50% effort you’re already behind.
It’s not just that your relationship deserves as much effort as your career. If you’re the breadwinner and leaving all the household chores to your partner, whether they work or not, your partner is facilitating your career success. If you were to get divorced and get shared custody, and actually had to care for your kids half the time, you’d have a lot more work on your hands and your career would suffer somewhat. You’re not successful in spite of your family, you are successful thanks to the load your partner is taking off your shoulders.
I was killing my marriage with my wonderful wife by spending too much money on crap that I didn’t really need. I finally stopped this year. I’m lucky that she has toletared my BS. 18 years. Yes I know. Subscribed. You are 100% correct about what you are talking about. I’m guilty of that stuff too 😢. Working on it. Even with long hours at work, I cook for the kids in the morning, I wash the dishes, throw away the trash and I take the kids to school in the morning. I do the dishes after we have dinner. She cooks. So yeah, I help a bit 😅. I need to play games with my son too. I’m bad at that one 😅. I do take him to the park, and we play with our remote control cars, but I rarely physically play with him. He’s 7 years old 😅
One of the smartest things my working husband did when I was a stay-at-home mom was be in charge of putting the kids to bed, including bedtime stories. It gave them his attention and it gave me a break near the end of the day. It wasn’t the only thing he did for our marriage, but it was one of the best.
I’ve easily watched thousands of articles, and this is the most profound I’ve yet to see! My daughter and I were talking the other day, and I made the statement, “It’s not that he doesn’t do things for me, but he’s not doing the things I so desperately need.” She said, That’s it right there, Mom!” It seems there are a lot of unhealthy marriages.
I am a therapist who often works with couples dealing with all of the things you mentioned here. it is SO IMPORTANT for men to hear these things from other men. In sessions, many male clients in heterosexual relationships think I am just “taking her side” when I say the exact same words you say. Usually this is something we can work through. But this step is often avoided when men hear these things from other men. Way to break the toxic masculinity cycle!
This is totally doable men. My husband runs three companies, travels for work and often works 18 hour days, seven days a week. He still finds time for me, he still listens and asks the important questions and loves me like I want to be loved. I feel heard, supported and cared for. Being busy is no excuse to not be committed to your marriage. This is great advice. Continue sharing this content Jimmy!!
I wish everyone who plans to marry would listen to this article. It was only after I left a 16 year marriage which contained numerous open, honest, loving (one-way) conversations about what I wanted for us, I finally left. He was shocked. He suddenly understood everything we had ever discussed. He “changed” overnight. Gentlemen, please understand that when anyone hits that point of apathy, it is usually too late. Unfortunately.
It hurt a lot in my marriage because while dating my wife and other women before her, I was much more aware of a lot of the things that you mentioned here. The issues started up after we got married and moved in together. She already had a 2 year old and a life apart from me. I knew that he was her No. 1 so I just tried my best to fit around that. Without any conversations though, I fell into the very easy routine of just asking her what she needed from me. It started with good intentions, but quickly I became another person to take care of instead of a partner. It took years to unlearn and is still taking a lot of communication that neither of us were very good at to get to where we are now (still struggling). We have 3 kids now (including my oldest, the aforementioned 2 year old) and now my wife can say more positive things about me than just “you’re an amazing dad”.
One of THE BEST articles on creating a healthy relationship/marriage I have seen! I was married to a narcissistic man/child for 25 years. I did all the work in the marriage and was the only one trying to save it. I told him many, many times: if you worked as little on your job as you do in this relationship- you’d be fired. One of the worst things in life- Is to be lonely in your marriage. I’m still healing…
HALLELUYAH!!! Holy crap, i feel validated by a man for the first time in my life. This is seriously the speech that every single man needs to hear to save their life from tons of regret and ruining their lives and their chances of having a wife and family. Its heartbreaking for a woman out here, and ive basically given up. Every man ive ever dated makes all these mistakes, and when a man lashes out because he doesnt want to be honest, sincere, and vulnerable in order to have a deeper connection, i just shut down and then bolt. Life is way too hard to be around a man that doesnt feel protective or safe, its not worth it at that point. Single life is not the grestest potential life has to offer, but its a million billion times better than being with a man whos mentally and emotionally unstable when you need to talk about something real. Id take my single loneliness that comes with peace and safety over that all day every day. Sad world man.
Guys, listen to his advice. I’ve been married 18 years. I’ve done all the things. And if anything, I needed HER help with the chores. And then it happened. Started my own company and then let my customers dictate my schedule. It wasn’t that I was gone all the time, it was WHO I was when I was home. Frustrated, angry and preoccupied. Almost lost her. That lasted 4 years and I’ve been working to recover for the last 3. God and counseling sessions are starting to work.
Needed you twenty-five years ago! Good insights and advise! My opinion is women continue to grow, while having children, jobs, household, marriages and they manage all of this, while still growing. Men seem to hit a place/level, of self-satisfaction and stop growing in the way they did while falling in love. Getting married is not a finish line! It’s the beginning of treating the marriage like a living breathing entity, it needs nourishment and care, safety and respect. Thanks for your articles, I subscribed for the validation that is a quarter of a century, overdue!!!
In the process of getting divorced, never thought I would be divorced, tried for the last 5 years to help him through his childhood stuff. I worked on my mountains of childhood stuff, I am far from perfect but the marriage was one sided and he was/is a narcissist (covert). 30 years and it’s over. Mixed feelings. Thank you for your effective communication of the subject, well done you for sorting your own sh*t out, it takes courage and strength to really, honestly look at yourself, I will always have a love for him but we need to move on.
The most important thing to remember I think is that a lot of women work a 40+ hour work week and are still expected to pick up all the emotional and household labor on top of it now. Of course if you’re a sahm then you might not even necessarily need your husband to do the dishes or fold laundry but being appreciated goes a looooooong way… honestly though, I feel like the breadmaker argument doesn’t even hold up well anymore, cause a lot of men couldn’t pay the bills without their wife’s help.
I quit doing all of the emotional labor (asking him about his day, feelings, thoughts, wants, needs, initiating physical connection, etc…) in order to feel connected and after about 6 months I asked him if he noticed. He said that he noticed something was different and was relieved! That told me all that I needed to know. Women leave the relationship emotionally before we leave physically. Men are often emotionally disconnected so they can’t feel her withdrawing which is why they are surprised when she leaves.
Yup. I was basically a single mom the whole marriage. He would complain that I made decisions without him. Well he wasn’t around when decisions needed to be made or things needed to be done. He had better things to do than be at home. He tried to convince he was a changed man but how can I forget the lies, deceptions, and his not being around.
I am so grateful for having had my late husband in my life. He encouraged me to go back to college, we were both working, and had to have opposing schedules to be there for our young children because we couldn’t afford to pay for childcare. There was one semester we saw each other a grand total of 4-5 hours each week. We would call each other during our commutes to update each other on things around the house or just to talk. We had 25 years together before a sudden heart attack took him out of my life. I miss him so much.
When my husband and I were engaged, he traveled a lot for work. He wanted to be a good husband so asked me how frequently it was ok for him to travel for work (he had control over this). I replied, “Anything is fine. But if you’re not around, I will just learn to live my life in a way that I don’t depend on you.” It was just matter of fact, not a threat. My dad traveled a lot so I knew how it went. My husband didn’t want that to be our dynamic so he cut his work travel in half.❤
Sooooo true. I’ve been married and divorced three times and they all ended because I couldn’t take the loneliness anymore sitting in a room with someone who wouldn’t talk. Couldn’t even ask about my day. Acting bewildered when I’m grumpy for lack of affection. Clueless men who would walk through fire for their woman but can’t even show non sexual interest for 30 minutes. Thank you for saying all this and I hope men will listen
My last relationship, oof. He wanted my affection but wouldn’t (or couldn’t) give me any. He would rather scroll Instagram than interact with me. It was hard. I gave it all at first, but then withdrew when it wasn’t reciprocated. He didn’t grow up the way I did. The hugs, words of encouragement the way he grew up, but it didn’t mean he couldn’t try a little. Then I became angry and resentful. I am a grateful (fill in the blank) until I’m not. Sorry, rose-colored glasses, it’s hard to think we are at fault. But I want to see the best in people. Unfortunately, I can’t argue it’s 50/50.
In my marriage these roles were reversed. Due to an auto accident, and twelve years later, an on the job injury, I was disabled. I have always been the cook, but I became the “house-husband “. I can relate totally with your wife’s perspective. When I tried to get my wife to understand, I became angrier and angrier because my pleas fell on deaf ears. When I reached my breaking point, in desperation, I told her ” your making me not love you anymore. Her response was to move out and blame me and my anger. Sad ending to a twenty-three year marriage.
It is important for women to learn what those things are. What do I need to feel safe? What do I want? From experience, having a partner who cares is wonderful, but plenty of us are damaged enough too, that we often don’t know the answers to these questions. I love this article, and really enjoy the content here. Sharing it with friends to help them to help themselves too
As a woman I cringe listening to this because I know it will hurt men and I don’t want to hurt them in talking about this with them… but maaann, when I try to relay this exact same message I am met with defensiveness and being accused of blaming. I’m just wanting an active participant that we can tackle stuff with and make our relationship great again. I swallow this same stuff myself and try to implement it but there’s nothing that kills a relationship faster than feeling dismissed and ignored. My life is on hold because we are not working together… kids, home, future is starting to disappear and the stagnation is starting to push me in another direction solo. I’m sad but after putting a lot of time, energy and effort into the relationship I need to get back to investing in myself.
All of this is spot on. My marriage has failed because of this. I’ve sent him lots of similar articles, gotten books for us to read together, asked for marriage counseling. As wonderful as this article is, I’m not going to send it to my husband. Because I’m just too tired to care anymore. I told him straight out that our marriage has broken my heart and spirit, but he didn’t believe me and just kept saying that HE needed ME.
Oh my word!!!! You said everything I want to tell my husband! You said it ALL!!! I sent him this article and I pray he watches it and “gets” it. Wow! This is so powerful. You are so amazing to make this article! It is just what I needed. I am overjoyed that you got it/get it and are stepping up to talk to the husbands/boyfriends of the world. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Wow, this article found me at an eerie time of my life. Been with my fiance for four years, we’ve been excitedly planning our wedding, but lately things have been rough. I suspect I have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder (the symptoms are uncomfortably relatable), and when she brings up a concern it snaps me into a sense of victimhood, paranoia, fear of abandonment, and anger. And lately with that paranoia I’ve been misreading what she says to me as something else. We talked about breaking it off instead of getting married. Last night I finally broke down sobbing as I realized what I’ve said and done is what has hurt her and hurt us. I’ve been too tired after work to always support her. I’ve been selfish and listening to self-preservation warning signs instead of just communicating with her. I’ve tried to fix her problems instead of just listening to her. This article is further cementing the ache I feel for all the hurt I’ve caused her lately and helped reignite my passion to do what’s right and be there for her. I genuinely love her and my actions haven’t been reflecting that as well as I’d like or as well as I thought they were. I’m thankful to report she’s giving me a chance to redeem myself. And I think we’ve caught it before the eleventh hour. I’m going to search for a therapist to process my emotional wounds so that I stop leaking all over her. She deserves the best husband.
This is a really good article, it needs to happen from both parties and not just one, especially when both work full time. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years now and the reason it has been such a wonderful marriage is because it is 50/50 and we frequently check in with each other to make sure the other one feels like it is still 50/50 and if not, we talk about what we need to work on as a team. Loving and making sure the other person is happy too is always our priority. We don’t yell or scream, we have never been in a fight, we sit down and talk about it like adults. That’s how a marriage should work. It takes two.
Thank you Jimmy! You are a Godsent! My wife just sent me the link to your articles and I subscribed. I am on my third marriage, we have been married for 25 years. I lost the best job I’ve ever had about 3 months ago, but my relationship at home has been getting so much better because I’ve been putting more time into things, being I’m home. I agree with you 100% on everything that you have said in this article! People that say your criticizing and putting men down don’t get it, and they’re headed for disaster! I have hit that in two failed marriages in my life. I am 61 years old and I completely agree with you! I am going to continue to work on my marriage so that it grows better and better. Thank you thank you thank you!
The more therapy and therapist content I consume, the more I’m realizing how bad my past relationships really were and how much I let slide and just swallowed my feelings about. I always blamed myself for my relationships failing, but in reality I just attracted zero-effort people. Now I’m happier than I’ve ever been, not just because of therapy but also because my partner is in therapy and he is emotionally intelligent and communicates and puts in EFFORT. I think everyone needs to have this kind of wake-up call at some point in their lives.
Speaking from what I’ve seen in my personal experience, most husbands don’t typically see the things they do for their wife/family as things they’re doing FOR their wife/family, but just as things that should be done. For instance, seeing the hinge is broken on her favourite jewelry cabinet and just fixing it and forgetting about it, seeing her favourite scented candle in the store and just replacing it right before the old one runs out and then forgetting about it. If you were to ask these same men, “when’s the last time you did something to make her feel special?” they would probably say “I dunno? 🤷🏾♂️” because they don’t internally categorize these fundamentally kind gestures as something they’re doing “for her”.
Wow, I just found your website now. I am shocked to hear a man giving men the correct advice to have a healthy, happy connected marriage relationship. Women get married, because we want the relationship (and the sex), but most men deprive their wives of the relationship. This is why cheating and divorce takes place. Women hate being ignored and forgotten. Men need to nurture their marriage relationship first. This is what women do. Women are actually not nagging their husband. Husbands ignore their wife. Women want the RELATIONSHIP first. Men please listen to this man. I subscribed!
The main thing is that they have to WANT a relationship with the wife and family. A lot of men want the title of father and husband but have no DESIRE to contribute to the health of it but are more than willing to reap the benefits of someone caring for the family they created and then be a victim When the wife is tapped out and checked out emotionally. It sucks and is very painful to not be seen in a relationship with someone you love so Much…… such a bummer
Thank you. My Wife and I bicker a lot (we make up properly afterwards) and neither of us are ideal partners in terms of contribution, I have PDA autism and she’s got chronic endometriosis pain so there are things around the house that each of us can’t contribute to. We also both have a tendency to play the victim. I always wondered how our marriage feels so stable with all that going on but this article showed me what it is we actually get right, despite all the negative things we always make time to hear about each other’s day and most days we manage to sit down together for at least a couple hours to relax and watch our favourite shows, we also take turns looking after each other when the other is struggling.
Thank you so much for sharing this information! I sent a link to it 2 days ago and my husband watched it several times today and told me he finally understands what I’ve been trying to tell him for years. He cried and apologized to me. I had begun plans to divorce him. Now I’ll stick around for a little while longer. Fingers crossed he truly gets it and doesn’t back slide into old habits.
It is so true! “I don’t know what to do” was his excuse all the time. I gave him time to grow, gave him patience to learn… I was so tired and burned out. But God love me so much, he committed adultery two months ago. The divorcing is finalizing at the end of this year. perusal Jimmy’s website just makes me know more about what I should accept and what is not for a healthy relationship.
When my ex husband said he wanted a divorce I asked him all the details and the biggest thing that pissed me off was he knew he wasn’t happy two YEARS before he asked for a divorce and never said a word. I could tell something was wrong and asked him many times what was wrong, but he always put it down to work was getting to him; not one word about my actions or being unhappy in the marriage. When I asked him why he didn’t say anything he said “I didn’t think it would do any good.” Well yeah if you don’t say anything, it won’t! Maybe he didn’t want it to work but he wasn’t ready to get divorced, heck if I know. I will NEVER have a relationship with someone again that says they don’t believe in therapy if there are issues.. lesson learned.
An easy checklist, for either partner in the relationship: 1) Have you told your spouse today that you love them? 2) Have you asked them at least one question about how their day went or something that happened today? 3) Have you done at least one chore that contributes to the household without being asked today? 4) Have you expressed appreciation to your spouse for a chore they completed or something they did today? It’s not the be all, end all, but it’s a really good start.
Unbelievably perceptive. I lived for 25 years with a man like this. The exhaustion and loneliness were soul crushing. When I left him life was so much easier because I had been doing everything by myself all along, but now I didn’t have to live with the burden of him devaluing me and our children. Yes, he taught me and our two children to live without him. I used to joke with my friends that I was a single mother without dating privileges. Men this is REAL, and if you care about your marriage, listen to this valuable advice.
Thank you for making this article! My husband and I are planning on separating for a while for mainly this reason. It’s just switched. My husband has been trying to tell me his feelings for 23 years and I haven’t heard him until now (I’m a complete avoidant.) He was describing us perfectly! I would always play the victim, get defensive and prideful. I took everything ask as an attack. Now we’re close to divorce and I am desperately trying to save our marriage.
This made me cry… Sadly I was married to an abusive narcissist, which left me with complex PTSD. I just wish he could have been the man you talked about… that would have been so healing for me. Even after 23 years on my own I now have hope that one day there will be someone better, who will treat me the way God intended me to be treated and valued. Thank you for showing me there are good men out there who do see and hear and want to be husbands who selflessly love their wives in the way God intended them to, so we can love them with all the love God has given us… ❤
I felt so incredibly lonely being with my emotionally unavailable ex – much more than I ever did when we weren’t together. He taught me how to be content being on my own. He encouraged my independence so he could have his space. And now I’m so much happier being on my own with my dog and he doesn’t understand. He used to tell me don’t treat me like a child and tell me something over and over. I wouldn’t have tried to say the same thing more than once if I had felt heard and understood the first time. In eighteen years he told me he loved me three times … as I was giving up and walking out the door, as he begged me not to leave because he loved me. Too little too late. Even then I went back and tried again but not the last time.
It’s so sad and true what you explain…i am in that kind of relationship and i thank God and my two children for kipping me focused on our lives and targets…i am so glad that i have a great education and a great job that i like and can sustain me and my children…i know my marriage is finished, even though we are still together…it took me some time to realize and to come back from a awful depression…i feel i moved on, i reorganized my life and accepted that is what it is…the difficult part was to realize that is not my fault, soon i start be nice again with my person, i realized that the sky is the limit, i star seeing the colors again
In my experience, a lot of men seem to feel like a partner should just fit into their life without any effort or change on their part. They should be able to just go on with their life and things just magically get done around them, and when they have a bit of time the partner is supposed to just magically be available and down for whatever the man wants to do.
Okay, I’m guilty as sin here, though in this case, I’m the wife. I know I work too much lately. My job demands it but the reality is, I’m choosing my job because I love my job. It’s the best one I’ve ever had. But I’ve come to realize I should remind myself that my husband needs time and attention, too, even when I’m tired. I started making a point to ask him how his work is going, how his hobby is coming along, how he’s feeling in general, how he’s enjoying our relationship, heck, just inviting him to go on a walk with me on the weekend. It’s made a huge difference.
I have watched this on the edge of the chair. Still processing, but I can see how this things can apply to me as a wife, like being more emotionaly supportive towards my husband and specially to do the interior “work” of putting into words my needs and desires for our marriage. Thank you! LOVE your content
I know the feeling when you make yourself vulnerable to your partner, intentionally, just because you believe she will appreciate it and give the same back. But instead you get a smack in the face for it. I don’t feel like a victim, it was my decision to do so or not with this particular person. Just need some time now to restore and allow myself to do the same again. With someone else. Somehow everyone have this picture of a perfectly working relationship but only few can picture a way there. I liked your thoughts on emotional intelligence and responsibility for your role within your relationship. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve been married for over 30 years and, let me say, you have got it down pat! Well said! These things may sound threatening to many men, but remember your wife chose you and she chose you because she wanted to be with you. These are threats, they are your keys to a long, happy marriage. Always remember, when things are hard, that you and your wife are on the same team. 💜
I’m not married, I’m not even interested in marriage, but I still love perusal your articles. Maybe it was perusal my parent’s failed marriage and just seeing a guy talk like this is strange and so different from what I see around me. Very refreshing. I hope this will be much more common in future generations.
I am so happy you were able to see the truth to what all Narcs need to learn. This made me cry so hard. The part about just do whats on the list broke me.😢 Thank you for your ability to humble yourself. God will raise you up. With that you will also be tested. Stay prayed up!!! Hugs! Keep your focus!
My husband because he started working alone or he’s the only one bringing money home since I gave birth, almost since I came home from the hospital 💯 % he wants me do all home work by myself. I’m struggling to get every thing done. Because I’m new mother, it’s just stressing me out the lock of catching up every thing I need to finish in daily basis. I wish he is open to listen and read this type of marriage advice and counseling. Sometimes love is not enough to become husband and wife to be honest.
After 27 years of marriage, this man nailed it perfectly, on what happens in a marriag, when a man becomes neglectful to himself and to his family. I would also like to add, the lack of support, the desire to punish, the silent treatment, to use excuses, to fill the conversation with only speaking about themselves, and the lack of desire to be strong with your wife together, not separately, create a road to nowhere but divorce. When a wife desires to save a marriage, does everything she can, tries to communicate in whatever way possible, and it still given a deaf ear and a blind eye, it is impossible for that marriage to be saved. It really does take both people doing their part. For the ladies out there, when your man says he doesn’t know if it will be good enough, or if he will ever be good enough, that is a very big red flag, it is an excuse, and if he can’t let go of using that excuse, there will be no growth in that marriage.
You adress all factors, sides, vielsen, perspective, small and big pictures. You fill the areas that others don’t. And the way you show how to admit and be open about yourself gives me confidence to say the things on my heart even if its about me not stopping up or being honest. This help me seeing all way more easy and start at the right end building my self so I can build a good place to be for those ones that I love and those who maybe will like me and those i want in my life.
That article was EXCELLENT. Well done Jimmy! I have been seeing your content off and on for maybe a year now – and I know the advice is equally valid to both partners, it’s just that women have different upbringing, and more natural tendencies to bonding/sharing/expressing. I recommend your website when I feel led to. This is solid advice, and self-reflection in order to know oneself before you can know another is a deep journey. It is easy to stop listening if you are triggered, and when you are triggered, you are not in the present anymore – or even yourself (you are who you were at the time the trigger was developed). It DOES take consistent effort to force new patterns of behavior into a brain that is running old familiar (ie/safe) patterns. Trusting your partner with information about your triggers while you deconstruct them is as vulnerable as it gets (short of physical abuse), at least in my personal opinion.. NEVER abuse a trigger, but know where they are, as it pays to have a map in a minefield. And yes, everybody has ’em.
I absolutely love this post, so many truths. Had my now ex-husband even put in minimal effort in any of these areas I wouldn’t have felt so alone in our marriage – and you’re correct, the relationship was dying on the vine for years regardless of how I tried to express it to him. I save most of your articles to watch again or to share with my friends. We can all learn how to be better partners and to communicate our needs in a better and more productive way. Thank you for spelling it out with real examples 💕
It seems like this is meant to be for men, but as a wife, this was helpful. Thanks! I was upset with my husband for some silly little things this morning and hearing this reminded me I don’t want my husband to be my enemy. I had a fun yet serious conversation with him and put some silliness in it about the things he leaves hanging around and I didn’t make it a nag fest. Had a lot of small kisses involved and just not being a total b** about it. We had a really great conversation and he apologized and told me he really appreciated all I do and that he’s going to work on not just setting random things down in random places.
Wow! Such an amazing presentation. Hit all the nails on the head for me. 44 years in, and just getting this figured out now. I wondered what was wrong with the way I was feeling, and the way he treats me both at home and in public. Grow up buddy. I’m onto you. I don’t want to leave because of the grand kids, but how much longer can I wait for a little respect and an opinion of my own in this marriage. I learned a long time ago, that he would always ask my opinion, but there was always only one answer. The one he wanted to hear. Sorry I wasted this much of my life, but things got worse since his retirement. We have too much time together and I’m getting really tired of the contemptuous tone of voice whenever I try to say something/anything. Thank you Jimmy. So happy I found this message.
I believe one of the main problems with these couples is that they both (or one of them) doesn’t even like the other person anymore. So, getting the motivation to put in effort feels difficult for them. They’re staying for reason other than love. For example; fear of change, fear of being alone, fear of divorce, kids, money, religion, guilt, etc etc etc. Therefore, it starts to feel more like two people who happen to live together to get through life. No longer about loving the other person. – Sadly.
Selfishness is the number one issue, when there are two people in a relationship that doesnt mean one person doing all the care, love, support and afrection while the other just does what they want, when they want and puts themself first in all areas all the time. Empathy, kindness and reciprocity are what makes relationships work. Thank you for your wise words –
I’m a single married Mom. Whenever I really need something the response is, “I have to work.” So I’m having to learn to be ok without that connection. I’ve asked for connection, but it’s apparently my responsibility to keep our relationship alive, while being the Mom, teacher, nurse etc for our seven children. 😔
Wow…..divorced 20 years ago after 21 years of marriage. I was so lonely the entire time. All I wanted was for my husband to want to spend time with me, to talk to me, to put effort into creating an opportunity for us to have special time together. Instead I learned to do EVERYTHING by myself. I learned that I could only depend on myself. I could only depend on myself to take care of our children…and figure out all growing pains for my daughters. When i asked for his participation….telling him everything is more fun when he is engaged ..or saying I cant do all this alone, and work 40 a week….his response was his contribution was his paycheck which was a third more than mine. He was a good man, but not a good husband.
Aloha Jimmy, thank you for this informative and very true article. Just about everything you mentioned is what killed mine. I do admit that as the old saying goes,”It takes two to Tango,” I most definitely made many mistakes. I did try to express my feelings and wants and needs but there were things that he honestly was incapable of. The man absolutely could not show emotion or physical affection and it was my bad that I didn’t realize that. I sort of fell in love with his potential and that’s a big no-no. What you see is what you get.BTW, your wife is lovely and in my humble opinion lucky to have you and I’m sure it’s visa versa✌🏼♥️.
I’m not married, never have been, but I also didn’t have a relationship to watch between my mother and father sense she passed when I was 5. I never got to see or learn about what a healthy functional marriage. I’m in a relationship and I feel like I don’t do as much aa I can and I wanna be better and do more. This article helps a lot, thank you very much 🤙🏽
Thank you so much for explaining how my husband taught me to be single. I was single for years, just with the lack of freedom and more responsibilities you have in a marriage. I literally cried when you talked about that. I tried to explain to him that to me, leaving is just making my state officialz
That’s precious! 1:1 the description of my marriage of 27 years. At the end I left and said to him: you left me a long time ago. The same with my last Partner. I left after 4 years although I loved him deeply, because I starved to death beneath his egocentric, accusing, coldhearted manner. Once when I was desperately crying I begged: please, you have to be loving towards me. I need you now. His answer was: No, I don’t have to do anything. That’s your responsibility. So cruel. Where are the good men? Dear god, please sent me one❤
Its amazing how someone can think they can abuse or neglect another person as if there are no consequences…as if that person is just a block of wood, with no feelings or thoughts. And it ‘doesnt come natural’ because the vast majority of people do not know what a healthy relationship looks like. You are teaching us. Thank you.
My brother in Christ, if you ever wonder whether God is using your work, have no doubt! My morning meditation happened to be on Revelation 2:1-7. Later, as I was browsing YT, your article kept coming up as recommended. I skipped over it at first because I’m not married, nor even in a romantic relationship. But maybe the 3rd time I saw it I clicked and watched it. Oooooweee! I might have skipped it if I had known what was coming! All morning I had been pondering what it means to “forsake your first love” and then I opened your article and got the behind-whipping of my life! So much of what you said applies not only in the human plane, but how we treat God as well. And I’ve been making so many of the mistakes you described here. Thanks (kinda, that hurt!) for such a timely and anointed teaching. Blessings in Yeshua.
After 25 years of marriage I finally had given up all hope of ever finding my husband as my friend. I have always loved him but NEVER felt close, and never felt “in love” with him 😢 Since perusal your articles I have found him as a friend and lover. Jimmy, This is one of my favorite articles! husbands wake up!!! I was a lonely wife for decades, but I thought it was normal and every marriage was this way. I remained committed and faithful because I love Jesus more than my own life, and I would rather die than be unfaithful to him. But a miracle happened, the moment that my husband stopped disregarding me because I finally risked his rejection because I had nothing to lose (I was having fantasies of moving out, just to not feel constant hurt anymore) and got brutally honest with him. He woke up. And heard me for the first time. We live in a fairy tale romance now. Your articles have changed my life. Seriously.
This is interesting, because it really got me thinking. In my relationship, my partner does do a lot of the housework – I’d say we’re close to 60/40 with me doing a little more. But the problem lies in him not being appreciative of what I DO do, because in his mind that’s just part of being adult. I’d have to do those things (laundry, cooking, dishes, vacuuming, etc.) With or without him and the same goes for him. It leaves me feeling incredibly unappreciated and undervalued, like if I just disappeared it wouldn’t matter at all to him and he’d just do my ‘chores’ too and carry on. Like it’s not difficult to work a full time job and manage kids and a social life and relationship, so I don’t get “points” for that. However, I know that’s not true because anytime I have a sick day he is stressed and tired handling it all by himself. I just wish I could explain I would KILL for him to give me a sincere thank you at the end of the day for getting up and making coffee and breakfast, doing our daughter’s hair, making her lunch, making the family dinner, folding the laundry, making the beds, and taking a shower all after a long day at my full time job while pregnant. I tell him all the time what an incredible job I think he’s doing, how proud of him I am, how lucky our daughters are to have him. If I heard that back even once a week I might cry. Thanks for the venting sesh.
Exactly what killed my marriage. My husband literally told me making himself indispensable at work was his goal. Always busy. When he was off we did the only thing he liked to do, fish. After the nest emptied, all I had was time alone, a big house, and an ungrateful spouse. Add to that a lack of desire on his part for sex, it was a wrap. One day I walked into the post office and made my way to the counter. When it was my turn to be helped, the clerk said “How are you” and I broke down and cried. I didn’t realize how empty I was until that day. I packed my car and drove 2 states back home to my family 2 days later. The next year, I divorced him. Emotional neglect and abuse is worse than physical abuse. At least external scars get air and heal. Those emotional wounds never heal because they often get overlooked.
So true, my friend went through this for years… until her husband started cheating and when she finally ended things… people wondered how she moved on from him with ease. Because for the last year he was absent, she was with him and the kids but did everything without him. 😢 but he wasn’t good for her or their 6 kids… it’s just sad that now they have to learn to get know her new beau.
I like the tone of the article dude!!! I’m a 30 year old man, virtually no life experience and I’ll admit it. I’ve noticed there’s some dudes who have a massive ego, and some who don’t. Some people can empathize, some people can’t. A lot of the divorces I’ve seen in my small circle have all been with bullheaded guys who think they’re a gift to women. They genuinely view themselves as not capable of being a bad partner; when in reality their idea of a relationship is being served when it’s convenient for them. They had growing up to do. I know I still do! Can’t overlook that some women overlook shitty personalities because a man can give security and a child. But there’s a lot of shades of gray and that’s a whole other convo😂😂 again I love the tone of your article. Straight talk these knuckleheads, they won’t listen if you don’t cut them down to humility first. Self reflection is always the first step.
I get what you’re saying and as a wife, and this may not apply to many. I notice that as a busy mom, I was also absent even though I was there. I was so busy trying to be the best wife and mother, I was rarely present in the way that would have been beneficial to the relationships. I was a bit of a control freak and needed everything done a certain way so after 10 years, he and the kids didn’t feel safe “helping” me do anything. It would be wrong 😢so I trained my family to avoid helping me. 30 years later, I’m making progress but it’s a little too late. 😢 I hope young couples can learn from these articles and have longer and stronger relationships. 🙏🏻💕✨
My husband tells me that he cares about me, but he doesn’t show me. He has turned into a lump, and he doesn’t even try anymore. He hasn’t even tried to be intimate in over a year and a half. The only desires he has in life is to eat, sleep and watch TV, and nothing else. I have learned to live independently of him in the same house and it’s sad.
My husband isn’t just absent in our relationship, he legit goes as far as to COMPLAIN about things I didn’t get done, and actively ignores the things I did get done. 💀✋ He’s been absent since day one, and I’m on the edge of leaving… Only thing that has stopped me is because I don’t want to leave…. I love him. 😞
What I did, as the wife in my marriage, was thank him every time he did something to help out or did something I liked. The more I praised him for the things he did right, the more he paid attention. He started reciprocating. Also, I started asking for what I wanted, instead of expecting him to read my mind and doing passive aggressive things to let him know I was upset. This article is a great perspective from the man’s perspective. None of us ever go into a marriage wanting it to fail. Warning, this won’t work with narcissists, but any couple who wants their marriage to work this will work wonders. I only wish I had learned this years ago!!!!
Absolutely!!! A few years ago, my husband went to an elder he respects and complained to him about some of my behaviors. This trusted elder (and my husband doesn’t respect many people this much. Maybe 2!) told him that he’s SELFISH. .. This hit my husband like a brick wall, breaking his heart. He believed the man and took it to heart, asking God our Father to reveal to him whenever he is being selfish towards me. (God also gave him a vision of all the ways he had disrespected me through the years, and he broke down crying, WEEPING.) .. That was about 10 years ago. And he has been consistent in that prayer and has grown very patient, kind, loving, and thoughtful to me. .. Now we’ve been married 30 years, and I pray for more time with him. (Which is NOT what I prayed for before.) 😘
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for making this article. Men don’t talk about things. I lost my marriage to divorce even though I told my husband how I how I felt over the years but he never HEARD me. I stayed through everything for 20 years but I just could not do that to myself anymore. I realized he was on the severe side of Narcissism and there was never any love or consideration from him. It was all about him. Sadly my teen daughter also started feeling the effects of his narcissism. I became pretty ill over the years and never knew why but when I noticed things with her…I had to put an end to it all. I shared it with as many people as I could for the future of other marriages.