📹 What makes a man leave his wife for another woman? FIND OUT!
What Makes A Man Leave His Wife For Another Woman By: Carlos Cavallo What makes a man decide to leave his wife — What …
What not to tell your counsellor?
Your therapist should not know every detail of your day. Avoid safe subjects and conversation topics you use to put others at ease.
Whether you’re new to therapy or have been going for a while, you may be struggling with a big question: “Should I tell my therapist everything?” Therapy is a safe space to talk about things you can’t talk about anywhere else. Your therapist must keep your secrets because therapy doesn’t work if you can’t trust them. But you probably know that there are exceptions to confidentiality. Not knowing what these are can make opening up in therapy feel even scarier.
What not to tell your Counsellor?
Your therapist should not know every detail of your day. Avoid safe subjects and conversation topics you use to put others at ease.
Whether you’re new to therapy or have been going for a while, you may be struggling with a big question: “Should I tell my therapist everything?” Therapy is a safe space to talk about things you can’t talk about anywhere else. Your therapist must keep your secrets because therapy doesn’t work if you can’t trust them. But you probably know that there are exceptions to confidentiality. Not knowing what these are can make opening up in therapy feel even scarier.
Can couples counseling save a relationship?
Couples who seek couples therapy are more likely to stay together. They also improve communication and relationship satisfaction. What is couples therapy? Couples therapy is short-term counseling. Therapists help couples resolve conflicts. An effective therapist helps couples understand their problems. They teach couples how to resolve disagreements. They help them find solutions. Marriage counselors help with many issues.
Can couples therapy fix a broken relationship?
Fixing relationships. If your relationship is broken, there is hope. Couples therapy helps you understand yourself and your partner and your relationship. Gaining insight into your relationship can help you overcome challenges and bring couples closer. A good therapist can help couples repair their bond and strengthen their relationship. Couples therapy can help you and your partner communicate better, cooperate, and solve everyday challenges. This can make your relationship more fulfilling. At Wellness Road Psychology, our team helps couples and individuals feel and function better. We can help you with your relationship. Contact us to schedule an appointment with Dr. Philip Glickman, Jamie Karia, or Vivian Martinez. We have offices in NYC and Dobbs Ferry. You can also book an appointment online.
What does marriage Counselling involve?
The sessions are short-term. You and your partner sit down with a professional to identify problems in your relationship.
Online Skype Counseling – What is Skype? “Skype” is free software that lets you chat face-to-face on your computer. You can use Skype from anywhere in the world as long as you have a web camera and microphone. Online … These changes can turn your routine upside down and even change your life. Some people like change. For others, even something relatively…
What is the purpose of a marriage counselor?
Marriage counselors help couples in trouble with their marriage. They listen, understand, and help them communicate better. Marriage counselors can help couples and families too.
What not to say in marriage counseling?
Don’t ask your therapist to keep secrets from your partner. Secrets hurt growth and trust. Don’t say “you always” or “you never.” … Be open about what’s going on. Couples therapy can help you work through challenges. You can overcome obstacles together if you know what to look for. If you have relationship problems, you might want to look into couples therapy. A good therapist can help you and your partner get along better.
Couples counseling can make you or your partner feel anxious. It can be embarrassing to talk to a third party about your feelings.
What questions should be avoided in Counselling?
Avoid questions like “Don’t you think…?” “Shouldn’t you…?” These questions make it hard for the person to answer.
What is the personality of a marriage counselor?
3. Warmth, empathy, and acceptance. Your therapist should listen to you and make you feel accepted. You want a therapist who understands your pain and helps you make positive changes. You need to feel comfortable with your therapist to be confident in your work.
4. An Effective Approach. Your therapist should use an evidence-based approach. Your therapist should tell you how they will help you meet your goals. If you have doubts, ask questions. Your therapist should explain things clearly to help you understand.
5. Communication skills. Your therapist should let you know how you’re doing in therapy and if you’re meeting your goals. If you think another approach is needed, your therapist will listen and adjust the plan. If your therapist can’t help you, they’ll refer you to someone who can. A good therapist knows when to work with a client and when to refer them to another professional.
📹 How to Identify Relational Red Flags
In this episode, we hear from: – A wife whose husband has sexted over nine other women in the last two years – A 26-year-old …
I don’t believe in “fighting for a relationship/marriage.” Either he wants to be there or not…it’s called “adulting.” Him going through stuff and he’s found someone else that “understands him” then that’s who he needs to be with. My own experience…it’s too exhausting and pointless. Let him move on and ladies you do the same. It hurts at first, but trust you get over it…better than ever.
People LUST after looks, youth, money, success. Once those things are no longer around, the LUST goes away, and the person will look for new supply to LUST after looks, youth, money, success. Only in true LOVE, do people stay with their partner, because it’s love and not lust. Love will not fade away. LUST will fade away in time, once that thing that attracted them is gone, looks, youth, money, success.
I think a man can’t leave his wife if he is truly responsible and committed to his family,no matter how he loves the other woman it’s better not to put hopes to a boyfriend who is married to leave his wife . All you can do is to move on and wish him his true happiness if you truly love him . Don’t compete with his wife because you won’t win when he’s stability is in his own home . Never let him choose because it’s not good at all . If a guy truly loves well,you won’t be the other woman for a long time,he will do his best to fight for your love but still I believe when two people are meant for each other the opportunities that both of you can be together is very big and it’s not a rough road at all . Never ever interfere in his married life especially when he feels comfortable and safe with his wife and kids . What makes a man leaves his wife ? I think when he really don’t care and love his wife and he don’t find his home safe anymore.
I’m doing exactly what you say about an attractive married man who indicated attraction to me. I didn’t respond, I showed appreciation only for his real kindness and the professional skills he shared with me, and otherwise I stay completely away from him, and don’t contact him any further. I figure he was just going through a rough patch at home, I was a pleasant distraction, and it’s likely they’ll sort it out. If they should ever split, it WON’T be because of me; it’ll be because they couldn’t find a way to put it back together. And I’ll stay away from him anyway until he levels out. If it should ever come to that. Meanwhile, I’m out and about volunteering, traveling, making new friends and building my life.
I just recently broke it off with a married man. This article says nothing what the title said. I believe he loves me. As he said he has alot to lose. He has said he knew it was a mistake right after he married her. Of course he could be lying. I dated this man 30 yrs ago. I don’t remember what happened between us back then. He was the one that found me on fb. We was seeing each other for little over a year. Then I decided I needed more than he was willing or could give me. So i told him we needed a break from each other. It’s been only 2 wks. I haven’t heard from him. I refuse to reach out to him 1st. His words hasn’t matched his actions lately. Is why I did what I did. I deserve better. Thanks for letting me voice my frustration.
I don’t want him to leave her. It would be great if he were single, but he’s not. You are right.. he has an established lifestyle… of his own culture… and a 14 year old daughter. A divorce for them would impact 2 families a lot more than it would the “average Westerner.” I love him so fully, and unconditionally that if he loves her… I do too…and he’s not said so, but I know that he does. It may not seem very loving to her that I’d be involved with him, but honestly monotony.. the idea that we can only love 1 person is a man made ideology. Unpopular opinion, and this is not a thing that everyone could love, but it works for us. I feel no jealously at all. I doubt she would feel the same, and I’d not want her to suffer.
My real life: I married a married man. He divorce after 15 years of marriage, bad marriage, and married me, after being together for three months. We love each other until God took him to Heaven. We enjoy with our kids 39 years of wonderful marriage. Divorce is for the adults to be happy and fulfill. Some people make mistakes and get married to the wrong person. You don’t have to suffer that. Kids will grow and leave their own life. Lesson: Be 100% sure that is love what make you get marry. Most people don’t do that and that is reason #1 why a man or woman look for happiness in another person. Few have the courage to left all material things and start again with that new person. My husband did it and God bless us. We have no regrets. Now I am single and full of life, because real love keep you young…
I would venture to say it could be because they are constantly, and I do mean constantly told and reinforced that they are:\r \r 1. Not wanted\r 2. Not desired 3. Not needed 4. Not adequate (nothing they do or say is ever right, or needs correction)\r 5. They are sexually rejected consistently (her love is talking, his love is physical touch – not an issue when marriage starts, but then the affection is withdrawn and no longer seen as needed by the Wife – she has safety, security and family – so she shuts it down either consciously or subconsciously) – After years of rejection and no physical intimacy, men disconnect and distance themselves from the rejection, and despair – and women keep withholding, etc…\r 6 They are expected to just do and shut up at all other times\r 7. They are the constant brunt of the jokes from the Wife and kids (because she trained them to disrespect their father)\r 8. Aware that their needs come last if at all
I’m trying so hard, I’m saying, please, and thank you, and tell him I love him, and I do spend money but he controls all of it so even if I shop, if he says no I don’t get it, period. He’s become harsh and nasty and irritable. To the point I feel to stay away from him, even though I miss him, it’s always arguing so it’s just best to stay away. I’m sick of washing and cleaning up the house. So in that area, yes I’ve slacked on, I got so burnt out just doing everything by myself, except earning money. I can’t connect with him, he’s always working or gone.
When he was trying get his divorse why was saying he was marry me.then now got his divorse goes thru different things never talks about saying hecwants get married.i cantbtrust him says get place says no hes not then says get nice furnitutre employeessvtrying gey money out acct. Now he didnt get furnitre thank got didnt get my hopes up
I am a marriage and family therapist and I have to say that you are spot on with SO many things you are saying here. Yes, they are oversimplified but very straight to the point! People also commit infidelity because they want to be happier, because they have been through loss, because they are in an identity crisis and so on and so forth. It’s ok to tell people please go to therapy, work on your self!!! Whatever is triggering with your partner is old: u were triggered by the same things as a child, so go back there, understand your childhood triggers and see what parts of what your partner say or do re trigger you. I love your clarity in talking, good job!
I think is quite simple. A man doesn’t leave his wife cause the other one is just for fun. And makes him feel still young and sexy, probably. No love involved, only sex. While the wife remains his shore, whether if marriage is a good one or not. He leaves the shore for a ride in the ocean then gets always back to the harbour. A man is capable of hundreds of lies and tricks in order to keep his situation. As nobody is more important than himself. They leave their confort zone in two single occasions, when wives find the truth, and decide not to accept that, and when they fall in love with the other woman. Both cases quite rare.
It’s funny. I had a person 2 years ago. He could di things. That I already knew the reason. Why. An no words had to ever be spoken. I could see it an say oh ok. First time in my life. I never let my impulsive behavior. Take control. It was me. I saw I never was mad at perzon. An years ago I had. Something similar. A little to young. In love department to really. Impliment all tools was still growing alot
Your wrong Carlos, he cheated even though all his needs were being met. He flat out told me he just cheated because he wanted to, be told me that I made him happy sexually but he just figured why not, he thought he could talk me out of leaving him. I never cheated not once but I had offers and I stayed faithful, man did I stupid.
You didn’t answer the question! What makes a man leave their wife for another woman? I am waiting for a particular man to leave his wife. But I know he won’t because he has 3 young kids and all the other stuff that goes along with that! We stopped seeing each other over 2 years ago. One day he will be back in touch. Such is life!
The fact that he convinced Linda to believe that sexting was not cheating says a lot about his mental manipulation of his wife…then the “he’s got anxiety so we can’t talk about it outside our sessions….” – madness and cruelty! Linda you’re a worth a lot! Start planning your exit he doesn’t deserve you!!
Oh, Linda, you classy, nurturing, articulate and ultra-calm woman, you are worth SO MUCH MORE than you realize. Free advice: Get an STD check, a great attorney, a circle of integrity-filled people and a new counselor. I wish I could reach out and give you hugs!! So many people will be rooting and praying for you.
Poor Linda. My husband was doing the same thing when I had young kids. He told me it was only on the phone and that should’ve been bad enough. Fast forward a year. He wasn’t just sexting, he slept with more than 30 women INCLUDING my best friend!!! He was lying. Run. Run fast. Rally the troops. I wish I could express the urgency in this. John is 100% right. Talk to your friends, your family, find an attorney and file. GET. OUT. NOW. This was over a long time ago and you can never fix it. There is nothing to salvage. This is from someone who was THERE. Girl, get out.
Linda, I nearly cried when I heard you say “even if I’m not as pretty/skinny as I used to be.” My God!!! Besides the fact that he’s likely not as attractive as he used to be when he was younger, it’s his responsibility to love you and lift you up through the chaos of life. Omg, you deserve so much better 💗 I hope you read/believe this!! This is NOT what a husband is supposed to do!!!
The “I have anxiety” tactic is a classic way to avoid accountability. I have a relative who claims that “her head hurts” anytime I try to call her out on anything – she doesn’t want to talk about it, because it’s “too complicated”. It’s a technique to shut the conversation down and is cowardly and manipulative. You can’t work with someone who behaves like this, GET OUT.
Narcissist over time destroy your very being, your soul, you mental health, your ability to see what is in front of your face. They trap you, financially, or with fear, worry and anyway they can, so they can live the life they want and you become a prisoner in your life. I hope she can get out, I hope she finds her power and her voice and reason. Prayers going out for you.
The caller in that last story needs to realize that her and her family are the problem! The amount of excuses that she came up with to keep her and her husband’s family looking good in a situation where a minor was taken advantage of is disgusting. Until they can come to terms with how they impacted her life, they can’t do anything to help her with her addiction. I hope that poor girl gets back on the right track.
To the lady was calling about her sister in law…I feel so bad for the 21 year old and the victim shamming. Spot on that the family missed it. I don’t think she got it, she was still making excuses at the end and still blaming the girl…no wonder the sister lies she has no one who would believer her anyways.
Man the 3rd caller really upset me, like your sister in law unfortunately is going through troubles and she was a victim and that’s how you decide to portray her? You can tell that she gossips with her friends and family about her Sister in law. It’s so sad to see that; she also wasn’t satisfied once he didn’t give her the response she was looking for ( the one her friends and family would give her) Glad you put her in her place!
The last call was hard. I was that little sister-in-law. At 17, I got into a relationship with 24 year old. I was a “willing” participant. I have always been hard on myself on my role in it, and took most of the blame. I never thought about how I groomed into it. I was a middle child with 4 other siblings, and was looking for love. I knew my family loved me, but my parents were always so busy working, and didn’t have a good marriage themselves. Looking back now, I wish someone would have rescued me from myself. When they tried to talk to me at the time, it was the approach the sister-in-law had, and it pushed me further away. Somehow I got through it all, and have a great husband and family now, but that call made me realize I’ve never fully processed or healed from that. I’ll be praying for that family. ❤
If for a second you think the 9 girlfriends on the side (or even ONE, for that matter) will not affect your kids, and that “he needs it” here’s a thing: the time he spends texting or meeting them, is important moments STOLEN from you and your kids the money he spends on dates and stripclubs, is money STOLEN from your family and your kids future. He has a problem and he HAS to grow up… and the wife… has to stop looking the other way when she sees that happening again and again
I was a 16 year old that fell for a 23 year old and he treated me terribly. I wish my parents would have stepped up and stopped it. I would be heart broken if I found out that they found a way to blame me for some of that after all these years. I was a child with no idea what I was doing. I have a 17 year old and while she is almost a “legal adult” she is in no way an adult in mentality. She relies on her father and I to tell her what’s right and wrong when that line looks a little blurry. I feel terrible for this child. 😞
That last call was brutal. Lacey, although well-intentioned, missed the mark entirely, and John called it. There is a reason the age of consent is a contentious one. As kids grow, it’s hard to make sure you’re teaching them everything they need to know while ensuring they feel valued, seen, and understood through everything. Aside from the peer pressure/experimentation situation you see with teens and drugs, what are they used for? ESCAPE. Disconnecting from the reality you find yourself in. She may have been a “willing” participant, but she had no idea what that meant when she entered into it. She thought this 22-year-old cared for her because no one else had shown her that she was valued. I’m positive this experience for her was overwhelming and traumatic and brought an enormous amount of SHAME. I wish I could hug her, tell her it isn’t her fault, and that she was abandoned by the people who were supposed to be there for her. We gotta do better. Now Lacey and the family are essentially trying to put spackle on a fault line. In 1855, Frederick Douglass said: “It is easier to build strong children than fix broken men.” Amen, dude. Although the context and audience are different, the point is completely valid here. If her family was present, and her foundational pillars (Physical, Emotional, Social, Spiritual, and Family) were solid, then she wouldn’t have been vulnerable to this situation in the first place. ugh.. I gotta go hug my cats…
Hi, there! New listener here! Thanks for pointing out that she was a kid. I had a child due to statutory rape in Omaha, NE, and no one thought of it as rape enough to report it, or explain it to me. Police would not take my reports of DV, and I had to flee the state to get away from him. When I was older and fighting to get my kidnapped child back from my former abuser, police heckled me as I gave my report, and he was never prosecuted. It’s really frustrating, because minors can’t own property, insurance, and often don’t have family to turn to in these instances. I was ostracized, except by a parent who was not mentally well, or financially capable of helping me get insurance or a rental. Many family members responded to my calls for help to get away from a stalking, cheating, SA, DV partnership with, “well, you made your bed, now lie in it.” I seriously hope that members of the community start pressing for s education to include consent and age of majority in the curriculum.
Gas lighting can do such damage. I know from personal experience. I am rooting for Linda so much. She needs counseling. She needs to deal with it now because the reality is her husband will probably leave when the last child is out of the house. I agree she is not a wife but a live in house keeper and nanny.
Thank God for you John, some women need to hear this from another loving man, in a platonic or brotherly way.. Their mom, sistr, or other female friends could tell them this till their blue in the face, but it seems to sink in when a caring male tells them instead, so be it.. Mr. Delony, thank you again for being that friend women need to finally see the situation for what it really is and let them know that they are worthy of so much more!
I know I expected my parents to know I was in an abusive marriage, even though I wasn’t sharing with them the details of what I was experiencing every day, 24/7. My parents aren’t mind readers and they are not educated in toxic relationships, abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, coercion or severe neglect. Ugh 😢 And when I told them that I was upset and deeply hurt that when I finally got out that they didn’t ask me what happened OR told me they were here for me if I needed to talk about it, my father said they didn’t want to pry. 😢 I get that….but I wish they HAD. My brothers too. I wish they HAD PRIED! 💔😭😭 Please, anyone reading this, please Pry. Ask questions from a loving place, reassure your kids or siblings that you are THERE for them and that you will love them no matter what. Ask them what you can do for them, ask them what they are in need of. It goes a LONG way! And usually people who fall into abuse don’t know HOW to ask for help. It’s embarrassing, humiliating, especially if you struggle with codependency and/or people pleasing. I just felt I’d be a bother to someone if I shared or asked for help.
When I was 19 years old, I had a complete DOUBLE LIFE. Some of the things I lived from 19- 23 years of age, my parents STILL DON’T KNOW. I met this guy who was 1 or 2 years older than me at my place of employment. He approached me and pursued me. I was straight out from high school. He became my first everything…but, there was ALOT of physical, mental, emotional abuse. The things he put me through my parents don’t even know…and. Now, at 40 years of age I WISH SOMEONE paid more attention…I went through such a rough time, hiding and being sneaky and lying like crazy for him. My nervous system was screwed up out of fear of him and what he would do…I tried to escape him but he would find me and wouldn’t let me free. I went through this alone…this young girl at 16 did NOT KNOW what she was getting herself into. So, all her “lying” comes from a place of shame and survival.
My heart goes out for Linda. This folks is one of the main reasons why folks in abuse don’t leave until something finally snaps- if they are lucky. It’s all mind games. If you accept and swallow the toxic lies from those you love, you believe them. It doesnt matter your age. It doesnt matter your social status. It doesn’t matter your sex. Another reason is the fear of the unknown. When in abuse, the devil you know seems safer than the unknown. The thing is tho, you can’t even see how damaging staying in an abusive situation really is until you make the escape. Yes it will be hard. Especially with kids. And the healing will be far greater especially with kids- they are absorbing a LOT from this abuse. You won’t see it all until you, and they, leave.
To the young man. Decide and decide quickly… it’s OKAY to NOT want to be a father yet … and every day you are not 💯 in to look at becoming a father to this child … it will be more and more painful for ALL involved. Don’t be selfish and stay because it’s fun. It may be fun but it’s not fair to the woman or the child. It’s better to hurt now versus later when everyone is more attached.
My eyes were finally opened when I had 6 children and had gotten my 2nd std (and even got a notice from the health depth that “someone” I had sex with received a diagnosis of an std).. I CONFRONTED him, and he denied it!! I divorced him ultimately, after I felt like I was losing my mind and was dying, absolutely nothing left inside. I forgot who I was!!
Dr John always gives such good advice. In the last call I do wish he’d talked more about why a 16 year old would end up in the position of having a secret boyfriend though. I can promise you that she wouldn’t describe her family as ‘loving’. She was likely so lacking in the love and support she needed at home that the older man was able to take advantage of this vulnerability. She jumped at the opportunity to feel like she mattered. The family created the vulnerability in the first place and the fact she still won’t let them in to what’s going on in her life shows that she still doesn’t consider them a safe space. She’s just trying to cope and she needs genuine love and support.
Lacey is the embodiment of women not supporting women. I can’t believe how stupid she sounds rationalizing this young girl being in a relationship that was abusive and had a power imbalance. She was clearly being manipulated. SHE WAS A CHILD. And here this woman is saying that this CHILD was able to make adult decisions. Grown women aren’t even able to fully cope with an emotionally abusive relationship, let alone a child. I can’t believe this woman uttered, “She was a willing participant.” She clearly is out of touch with how abuse happens. What a sorry excuse for a woman.
Linda, I had a partner who cheated on me many years ago and when I caught him red handed with evidence, he told me that it was my fault because I wasn’t having sex enough and I internalized that and I stayed in an unhappy relationship truly believing that yes, I wasn’t being the woman I could have sexually (of course I wasn’t bad at all, it wasn’t about me and he promised to end it and not to do it again-they all do). Not only wasn’t it true and an ultimate gaslighting tactic, but he really had me wondering and believing his manipulation. People who have never lived with someone who constantly gaslights, manipulates and emotionally abuses you don’t really understand how a woman can get to that point of believing the gaslighting behaviors. I am so happy that you called the show because you got that smack in the face truth from John’s “Linda Listen” that you needed. It took me quite a few years to figure out my situation. It was even at the point of when I tried talking to girlfriends about it, they would tell me what a great guy he was and how he’s an amazing husband and so on and that I should give him more chances etc. as he was great at telling them what I had done to “make” him do it and how I was in the wrong too when he realized I talked (of course he did as his reputation was on the line). In any case, know you are NOT the problem, HE IS. You are the solution for you and your kids as difficult and extremely scary it is going to be. You’ve got this!
The older sister of the girl with cocaine use disorder is not hearing you… in one ear out the other. She is victim blaming and won’t understand. It was hard to hear you say “I’m sorry we missed this and I’m sorry we didn’t step in”. That hit home…. I never heard that from my family. What started as alcoholism, drug addiction, and prostitution at 16 plus an abusive relationship (which they missed in their own house) became me injecting heroin and meth into my veins from the ages 19-24. 5 years sober now, married, with a baby on the way…. But man, you’ve unlocked the need/desire for more therapy for me! That one hit hard
The last call really got me. I find it so crazy when people have so many kids that they are doing the required minimum for and are surprised when something bad happens to their kid and then don’t want to take accountability for the fact you weren’t there for your child, yes 16 is still not old enough to be consenting. I speak from experience, my parents also had 5 kids and when you don’t take the time to know them and care about the small things, the big terrible things go by and your kids no longer trust you. It’s not about a child behavior, because kids are always dumb because they don’t know any better, it’s about the parents advocating for their kids because they do.
Thank you doctor for telling that guy to break up with the amazing girl because she has a kid. My husband of 35 years did not want to date someone with a kid, BUT he has a kid so he had to relax that. He was an amazing stepdad to my son and I am so grateful that he reconsidered. But this guy doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone with a kid. He needs to walk away!
My husband never wanted kids- but he married me with four. We had two more together. My older kids love him so much. Some times were tough- my second daughter tried to run him off. But now, I think she loves him the most. Back then he said,” Her daddy ran off and she thinks I’m going to leave her too- but one day she’ll realize I’m not ever going to do that.” We’ve been married 32 years. He’s a world class dad and grandfather. One of his friends was thinking about marrying a woman with a child. He asked my husband if it was a good idea. My husband said it depended on the woman and on the kid. That was excellent advice you gave him. ❤
for the second caller, i’ve dated someone with a kid, i loved him very much and his kid was the reason for it being a very challenging relationship. The tension usually constantly boils beneath the surface, exceptions for situations where the other parent is dead or completely uninvolved or something.
Coming from a two parent household where my stepdad only had me to take care of as my moms ONLY child, if you’re not ALL IN for that child as well don’t even bother. My stepdad hasn’t married my mom after 15+ years, he hasn’t even gotten me my first car or offered to pay for things to help me like gas or trips or anything. In my eyes he’s selfish to an extent but still provides a roof over our heads & often times will use that it’s his house to his advantage and also my mom has no say so in what he does with his money or what he does. He’s prideful and truthfully I wish my mom picked a more better partner and stood on her boundaries of wanting to be married etc. it not only affected her but me as well. If he dies today we’ll have nothing except memories. He’s not the worst guy but he clearly doesn’t see how IMPORTANT family is!
I can feel the pain from the third call. When you go through trauma, it’s hard enough to process everything in your own but it’s even harder when your family isn’t there for you, they don’t listen and they just move on. Not being seen and validated by your circle is one of the hardest and loneliest places to be… I grew up in a family of narcissists that don’t process someone else’s emotions or have empathy… 12 years ago I was sexually assaulted and my daughters father tried twice to unalive me… fast forward to one year ago, my now ex husband r*ped me for 5 years… I was embarrassed to tell anyone and felt like his property. None of my family cared and told me I need to just get over what happened… as a result I have complex PTSD, anxiety and depression, my family isn’t supportive at all. It’s one of the lowest places to be not having someone validate your trauma… When you don’t have support, typically addictions play an active role in coping. I got the help I needed and am grateful for the people I now have in my life.
Linda- get rid of that zero, learn to love yourself, and you’ll meet a hero. A real man, that will love you for you! Because you’re beautiful, worthy of love, loyalty. And respect! Your husband’s inability to be the man he lead you to believe he was, is gone, and in fact, never existed. He likely will always be this way, but girl, you can grow as a person, learn the lessons, get into therapy, and you’re going to be fine. You’re so much stronger than you feel you are, you got this! Much love and light to you!
Oh honey, he’s cheating period. Stop listening to his gaslighting. Cheating is cheating, stop excusing him. We as women do that because we are not ready to see the truth and the repercussions a divorce will force you into. Wow “he cut off contact with 3 of the 9” sweetheart listen to yourself. Heartbreaking.
Linda- I’m so sorry your husband is treating you this way. You deserve better!! You have worth!! A partner is someone you should be able to talk to about anything and at anytime- and cares about how you’re feeling… and definitely not doing the garbage that your husband is doing. It’s time to start planning and taking action on your separation. Yes, it’ll be a hard road for a little while, but one day in the future you’ll look back and be so relieved that you’re not in this spot any longer. You’ll realize how very strong you are when there isn’t someone manipulating and tearing you down everyday. On the days you feel weak – find your strength in knowing you’re providing a better situation for your kiddos. You need to surround yourself with those that build you up. You got this Mama – you are so much stronger than you know.
The last call hit close to home as soon as I heard the sister talking. Got a bit angry even. I’ve never been raped (moreover, I never had sex at all, and I’ll be 30 soon), taken drugs or even drunk in my life. I just was different. But it felt like all those relatives wanted to put me down. Of course, I don’t trust them and don’t want to talk to anyone of them except my mum and sister now, when I’m an adult, learned to live my life, work and stuff.
I really feel for Linda. Facing being a single mom to 4 kids has got to be terrifying. But Linda, if you read these comments, please know that your husband dishonors you and your marriage. You’ll be shocked to find how much lighter your burden will be without him, even with 4 kids on your own. Please find your tribe so you can leave this toxic mess. Also: please get tested for STDs/STIs
I understand… it hurts more when you realize the truth. 😢 I feel horrible for her. Don’t put up with his crap girl!! Stand up for yourself and if he questions why you tell him straight out “because I AM WORTH MORE !!!” It took me years of heartbreak to learn this lesson… and I still have to keep reminding myself so I don’t settle for less. It’s easier said than done but once you do you will be energized to see how good it feels to not allow him to treat you like that! ❤
Wow the last call! It helped me so much, so many years later. I was only 14 when a 25 year old man enticed me to his house. My mother was mentally ill and very abusive. So feeling “safe” was what I wanted. Everyone knew, not one adult ever stepped in! I left home after that relationship and never went back. It took over 10 years to finally get help. Thank God I had a great counselor.
Thanks Dr John. I was in a relationship much like that last call as a teen and I was left emotionally devastated. It took me years to recover. We need to stop treating teen girls like grown women- they are not. If it was a 16 year old boy with a 24 year old woman I just don’t helieve it would tolerated the same for most parents. It would be weird. And yet under all types of “reasoning”, here we are.
God Bless you Dr Delony for your conversation/advice to Linda. I was that person too,who believed it was all my fault and I should be thankful that he didn’t leave me. I believed it and Linda does too. It makes me so very sad. Your spot on concerning it all and the kids ARE seeing this and believing this is normal, it’s not.
The 27 year old dude made me think of my (now) husband and why i love him so much. When we started dating he was 25 and we had a pregnancy scare very early on in our relationship (only about 2 months in). I got more nervous every day and told him i was late. He said to me that whatever happens we were gonna do it together. That was the moment i knew he was a keeper.
Linda has to take care of herself first and then she will be able to take care of her dysfunctional marriage situation. Abuse steals your self-worth and capacity to stand up for yourself. It creates codependency. It screws out our beliefs and thoughts, and these are what keep us in those narcissistic relationships. Wishing her and her kids the best.
Your answer with the 2nd caller is right on the money. My 2nd husband was so amazing because he knew what he was getting into. He jumped right in knowing I was a divorced Mom of 3 and was an amazing Dad to my kids. He was a divorced Dad of 2 and I was the best Step-Mom to his boys that I could be. Eventually, we had a son together. We never treated any of them like there was a difference. They’re all grown & we have 6 grandkids. It is amazing ❤
To Linda I’m so sorry he dragged you through this to the point that you really do not think you’re worth leaving. If you read this, I want you to know that we love and care about you. There are many of us going through things similar. You are important. You deserve to be loved by someone who loves you back. Your children do not need a shitty dad, but they do need an awesome mom. To the man who called in about being a dad I really wish he had asked you this question, ” do you plan on being a father? And would you possibly ask this woman to marry you and I have kids with you?” if you plan to be a father one day you’re already 27 I don’t think you’re as young as you think you are. So nothing else matters. As you fall in love, get married and have your own children your life will have to change around those children anyway the only difference is about nine months to two years where you have a teeny more freedom while you’re cording and wife. If you plan to get married, and have children anyway, it will just make you a more committed amazing father to start being a dad to this young man now. I know it’s hard to understand without children, but you’re dating his mother like you a date anyone else and you see her as a woman and a partner. Your father, in this child separately as a friend and a father. But of course you come together to make mutual decision. You will automatically fall into the role of being a dad no matter the age of a child if you actually want kids and you wanna get married.
I’m so sorry Linda..I know how scary it is to have 4 little ones and feel stuck and justify if things are really as bad as what it is seems to be. Its easy for people to judge when they are not in your shoes. Yes its easy to say walk away but its not that easy when you have little ones, especially 4 little ones under 6 and he has trampled on your self esteem..instead of using whatever time he has to be helping you with the children he is off doing other things. I wish I could hug you right now. The kids won’t stay little forever and you have to come up with a plan to get out. He still has to pay child support for his 4 kids. I know you must be exhausted and I can tell he’s very manipulative. I think in your heart you know its cheating but its hard to accept this reality and hes trying to brainwash you into thinking its all innocent and you blaming yourself because you don’t look like you use to before 4 kids. What he is doing is wrong and yes everyone is right you deserve better.
I find it shocking that she would even question who she is to say something about his texting other women. To say that he can’t text other women. I listen to things people write into different shows, and it always shocks me how mad both women and men get when their significant other looks through their phones uninvited. Of course most times it turns out that the anger is because the men and women are cheating. My wife and I have been married for 17 years and anytime we want we pick up each other’s phones for any reason whatsoever and neither of us bat an eye. You are married for crying out loud. My wife does not hang out with men, and I do not hang out with women. Period. Can I have women as friends? Possibly but I wouldn’t ever do that to myself or to my wife. Not because something would happen, but because even the possibility of my wife thinking that something could happen, or that temptation would strike me make us take that off the table. And vice versa. She does not hang out with men or have male friends.
I have so many things I’d love to share with SIL… I was the young girl in this story at one point… It took me a long time to accept something was done to me that I consented to, I still struggle seeing it that way at times… And when I got a little older and continued making bad choices, I had an older brother and sister also that had their way of trying to help….
Hey Dr. John I absolutely love your show and it’s a great source of knowledge for me. I wanted to comment on something I’ve been noticing! I often struggle with self deprecating and negative commentary towards myself. I understand that sometimes it’s used as a source of humility or humbleness but often overdone. I often think I see you do it towards the start of your show and sometimes I wonder if it’s a little strong, while I totally understand the aspect of being down to earth and humble, it often makes me wonder if that could make other stumble trying to learn to value and appreciate themselves. Not a hate comment and it’s totally just my uneducated opinion!!!!!! Absolutely love the show and listen to all of them. I’m studying psychology and your a huge inspiration, you actually gave me the courage to change my major!
Dr. John, It is nice to see a man who can admit that cheating is wrong, whether it is done by a man or a woman. I don’t understand how a marriage can survive after cheating. For me it would always be a thought in my mind. I was a woman with a child after divorce. I did not remarry until my daughter was graduated from high school, from age 3 to 17 I remained unmarried. Once you become a parent you are a parent until you die. My husband had three children and I had one. We met while we were divorced for many years and had been self supporting. Whatever situation you have to be 100% to all family members on both sides. For a woman of divorce you should circle your wagons around family and let them show your children what family is all about.
I agree when it comes to seriously/exclusively dating a parent you need to decide if you’re ready to become a step parent. If you’re not ready that’s OK but end the relationship sooner rather than later. For everyone’s sake end it sooner if you’re not 100% in it. And from that call it didn’t sound like they’re still trying to know each other but like they want to be more serious. So he’ll have some serious thinking to do. Good luck!
Thank you for all the amazing articles, Dr John! I’ve almost allowed hope to walk me right off a cliff with someone who can’t tell the truth about the simplest things (ex. “I have no interest in ever using Facebook” then I find his Facebook with posts from minutes before he told me that). I’d overlooked a few things before that example but I’m using that one to break it off since he could easily explain the other instances. I’ve been binge perusal your articles just to make sure I was being rational (C-PTSD self doubt). Once again, thank you!!
You were 100% on both those stories, almost like you’d experienced it or know someone who had experienced these things before …..❤ regardless right on and I appreciate what you do, sometimes it’s hard for people to see outside the box when you’re in the middle of a storm, I appreciate how you keep a person there and come from different directions to make things clear to the each person because each person understands things differently. ❤
This made me so sad, she has been abused so long she doesn’t even know. She is with the type of person who feels like they own you . He trained her not only to do what he says but to believe it’s the morally correct thing. :- autonomy it takes two. People show us who they are sometimes we ignore it. Working on forgiving myself for some decisions. I think it’s important so asto not make the same mistakes.
I think future step dad was just trying to figure out how to come to terms with it one way or the other. Your own kids are hard. Someone else’s kids, a baby daddy and his family? A whole other level. And this guy is a new new at this caring for someone so much he might wanna make it serious and seriously struggling with figuring out what he wants, or if he is even capable of rising to the occasion. I totally get the want to protect the single mom (I’m one myself) but this guy isn’t being malicious. And I actually think you were a little too accusatory and not enough explorative in trying to hear where he’s coming from. Your point still stands. It’s a very important point. I think he just needed more of a walk through how to decide what is important to him. I hope he doesn’t walk away from her, he sounds like a good dude. And the fact that he’s asking these questions and being thoughtful about it instead of just running into it says so much. Good luck guy, I’m rooting for you!
Linda please protect your sexual health….just know, your husband IS having intercourse/sexual contact with multiple women…some may be sex workers he met online and or online “hook ups” …please protect yourself ….I have been in your shoes….I am so sorry you are going through this…please seek out wise counsel …. legally, emotionally and spiritually….best wishes friend…you can do this..be well and heal🙏
That young woman that is using coke… my heart breaks for her. She is being blamed for the abuse! Awful! Zero family support! No one has even tried to keep her safe and she is obviously victimized by her family also! Heartbreaking! I can hear the judgement from the caller. The caller needs to look into a mirror to see the abuser and the disfunction that her abuse of that poor young woman has caused
Your show brings a lot to my life AND I hope you get many hugs after it and during breaks! I’m a mom of 4 and a long story of my life with my family. Many of the topics and callers relate too deeply and wish I had a hug after the show, I can only imagine for you. It’s an emotional toll when you’re trying to help others. God bless you AND here’s a virtual hug for EVERY show you do. You’re an amazing person
Wow, this hits home with my x. I had 5 kids in 7 years. After the 6th year, we agreed to live in separate bedrooms so he could keep his sex life going. I was the only one working most of those years. I finally had to leave him when he was trying to kill me. Don’t wait till it gets so unhealthy you put your life and kids in danger. Leave once they are no longer interested in you. It’s very hard, but their are so many other guys out there that will love you for who you are. My heart goes out to you. If you don’t do it for you, do it for the kids! Bring a single Mom with 5 kids was not as bad as you think. You pick up the peices and focus on those kids till they’re 18 and never look back. I worked my way thru, raised my kids without financial support and the government and did it without feeling guilty about their Dad choosing to leave them. Those were his mistakes not mine. I don’t have to live with his issues. I changed what I needed to and accepted what I couldn’t. I became a healthy strong Mom that raised my kids to be responsible adults!
The second caller needed to listen. I married my husband 100% up for parenting his daughters and there was still so much heartache for the girls, our daughter, my husband and me. As much as I love them the day he died was the beginning of the end of their relationship with me because it was a relationship they would never have chosen.
For the second caller: yes, you need to be 1000% in on the father role, but SHE NEEDS TO BE 1000% IN ON LETTING YOU HAVE THE FATHER ROLE. This appears to be VERY hard for a single mother to do when she brings in a stepdad, even a good woman. But you’re asking for absolute trouble if she asserts herself as the head parent and relegates you to the sidelines. You BOTH need to be comfortable installing YOU as the head of the family.
The call from Lacey infuriates me. As a teen who was groomed by a mid 30 year old man, and gaslit into drinking until blacking out then being taken advantage of, then forced to keep quiet about it as he drugged me again and again for 7 more years. And during those 7 years, I had NO IDEA how much pain and suffering there was, bc my brain had shut out all the horrible stuff that was happening. Bc now, those memories have come back full blast and I struggle so much with overeating. And this caller is blaming her sister-in-law for using cocaine when she was groomed and molested by an adult male. It’s insanely hard to sit with the memories of being violated like that. And her substance dependence is only what helps her keep going. That, I understand 1000%. Someday, she’ll be able to walk away from those addictions, on her own time. Edit: The response by Dr. John’s was spectacular. Much thanks for his work on speaking out for the girls and boys whose voices were robbed by evil actions. The community needs it.
Why does she think so little of herself? John, society, that’s what has happened. A mans sexual promiscuity takes precedence over her feelings. It’s abuse, metal abuse. 90% of the movies we see have female nudity. Advertisers sell sex to men with their product. How could you be so obtuse? If this man was forced to give up his career and field of work that he spent so many years building, he would think twice about his actions but it’s the woman that always has to give up the income….unless she gets a big settlement.
It has nothing to do with him needing to “grow up” and choosing to become a step-father. Typical John…loves to shame men. Raising another man’s child could be hell for him depending on the other dad. He needs to look ahead at the possible pitfalls and decide if she’s worth it. He’s faced with raising a child who might resent him because she wants her real dad to be with her mother. Also, he’s faced with having another man in his life and in his business because of custody. Since there is some sort of custody arraignment he’d essentially have to ask the dad’s permission to move in order take a job out of state. DAMN! It’s just not idea for his life.
16 is an age of consent in different states. In new York the age of consent is 17. So John using “rape” is a little harsh. It’s 5 years. When I was in high school there were freshmen dating seniors. They were ages 13, and 17. Costa Rica high school is from 7th grade to 11th. I feel like John is blaming the parents and everyone else. In some of these states parents can’t even see medical records of their teens. This is the country we live in. Teens making their reproductive and sexual choices.
I just found this show, (a year later) and i’m appreciating it. To the lady who’s husband was “sexting” but also “hanging out” with these women – You KNOW there’s more to it. I was married for 10 years, two kids, at year 8 I found out he had cheated on me 16 Times over those years (thankfully I deployed for the last year and a half of the marriage, so didn’t have the mind-space for it). It took some time for me to Realize It Had Nothing To Do With Me. I couldn’t have been a better wife, and that HE Had A Problem. To this day he still does- but it’s not My problem anymore. I do hope you wonder why you were in counseling in the first place, and the basic nature of people usually does not change. You are WORTHY of GREAT LOVE. I hope you go get it =)
What he said about the “old school” of therapy is exactly what happened to me when I convinced my ex to go to marriage counseling with me. He couldn’t handle taking any responsibility for his actions, so as soon as we sat down he would just verbally bury me. I couldn’t think straight through the attacks and gaslighting and wasn’t even able to articulate the problems I was having in the marriage.
Good Lord my life sounds like a stinking combo platter of these calls. Sexually molested from 4-9, raped by my 40 year old brother in law at 12/13, father took off at 13, then I thought I figured my crap out… married a wonderful (or so I thought) man. We even had a major health scare right off the bat, which he stuck with me through, again so I thought. Fast forward kids and 20 years, discovering that he had numerous affairs, hookups, and is apparently a creepy voyeur. Found pictures of all sorts of women, in public places and in our home and other’s homes of women he photoshopped with porn, to make his own porn. Of course he claims to love me and our family, wants to “save” our marriage etc. As far as I can tell though, according to his infidelity, that he never loved me or any of us in the first place. At this point in my life I just don’t have any understanding of why a man who claims to love his wife would betray her for sex, especially when sex was never something that went ignored on my part. In fact it has always been myself who went unsatisfied or ignored. As he always claimed that he was “exhausted”. 🙄 Now I know why. Honestly I just don’t believe men have the capacity to love any longer.
Lacey, you mean well, but this is abuse. Her parents might be nice to you, but they were neglecting their daughter. She was feeling unloved and unwanted for years before that 22 year old came along. She has been begging for unconditional love for probably her whole life, but the people closest to her won’t give it to her, because, “She made bad choices,” or, “She is deceptive.” She had to learn to lie, because if she didn’t, her family would shun her or tell her that she is a bad person, a screw up, or irresponsible. This is what happens when love is conditional. You and your husband don’t see it, because you happen to be lucky that you meet the conditions.
It’s so sad how Linda is showing how little she love herself!!! She need profesional help and read self help books which will inform her about loyalty, honor, decency and what love truly means, and tools that will make her understand a lot things. Thank you Doctor you were very honest, kind and gave her everything she needs to understand what’s is happening. Every trouble is a mirror to us. God bless you 🫶🏻✨
God bless that poor mom and wife Linda. She so needed to hear Dr JOhns advice . She has been emotionally abused for so long she doesnt believe her worth. My situation wasnt that level of husband cheating but the deep wound of betrayal just the same and the gaslighting does a number on you after awhile. So hope she took his advice and got herself a new counselor that is there FOR HER. I put myself in counseling too and it took awhile to know my worth again. Her 4 kids need a mom who is whole and healthy . Praying she found help. A good church too is a must. Its where I found the people who pointed me to the Love of Jesus .
Aww Linda, “makes me feel like I’m not going crazy” — I completely relate. You’re NOT going crazy – it’s called ‘crazy making’ — but you are NOT crazy Linda. I hope you realize your value and self worth and don’t put up with him anymore. Understood – it’s tough being a single mom. You will feel better about yourself when you realize you’re a valuable human being ❤❤❤❤❤ ~ sending my love
Damn, the story about the little sister-in-law hit me so hard. I was that girl. And I didn’t realize until you just said that her sister-in-law doesn’t feel fully safe with them for not advocating for her when she was a kid that that’s exactly how I’ve felt deep down with loved ones that were around witnessing it happen to me. Seriously profound. What I would like to add is that they think this was a decision that that girl made at 16. But that decision was the result of years of misses. My guess is that something or someone conditioned that girl to be vulnerable to that situation. And I say that speaking as a girl who turned to men for validation and attention and love and acceptance from a VERY young age. Someone should have stepped in when I was being casually sexualized by adults at 8. Not when I had an 18 year old boyfriend at 14.
😮 I was that 17yr old girl & he was 23yrs back in 1980 🤦♀️…and I’ve never had anyone try to save me💔 I’ve only ever wanted to be loved. Recently, I broke free from a narcissist relationship. @Dr John Delony, I am binge perusal your podcasts & getting a lot of value from them💎 Have always owned my past, now trying to change my future 🙈🤞🙏 🇬🇧 xXx
I just want to say that, one of the basic questions you should ask your partner before marriage is what do you define as cheating, and share what you define as cheating, and then the two of you figure out what you as a couple will define it as. Set the boundaries in advance. That way, there isn’t any question or confusion.