Unhappy marriages can cause significant stress, which can affect physical health, according to Ellie Borden, a registered psychotherapist in Canada and clinical director at Mind By Design. Chronic stress can extend to digestion, appetite, and the brain. Being in a toxic marriage can result in physical and emotional abuse, low self-esteem, increased anxiety levels, and depression. Research consistently shows that happily married people have lower levels of coronary heart disease, the world’s No. 1 killer, than those in unhealthy relationships.
Marriage has mixed effects on health behaviors, leading to healthier behaviors in some cases (reduced heavy drinking) and less healthy behaviors in others. When characterized by unhealthy dynamics, marriage can negatively impact one’s psychological health. Unresolved conflicts, poor communication, and high stress can lead to poorer behavior, such as taking fewer risks, eating better, and maintaining healthier lifestyles.
A bad marriage can negatively affect one’s health, including an increased risk of depression, anxiety, anger, and diabetes risk. People who feel stuck in a bad marriage and are too insecure to leave may experience depression, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, and anger about their situation. Stress in a marriage can also be the cause of increased blood sugar levels and the increased risk of developing type two diabetes.
In conclusion, unhappy marriages can have a significant impact on both physical and mental health, with negative consequences for both parties involved. It is essential to recognize the signs of a bad marriage and work towards improving their relationship to maintain overall well-being.
📹 Mental illness consumed my marriage — until this epiphany
Family members and caregivers are often the ones on the front lines of mental illness: helping loved ones cope with a diagnosis, …
What is the #1 cause of divorce?
Why people are getting divorced in the United States. 42. A recent survey found that lack of commitment is the main reason for divorce. Here are the reasons and their percentages:
- Lack of commitment 73%
- Argue too much 56%
- Infidelity 55%
- Married too young 46%
- Unrealistic expectations 45%
- Lack of equality in the relationship 44%
- Lack of preparation for marriage 41%
- Domestic Violence or Abuse 25%
(Respondents often cited more than one reason, so the percentages add up to more than 100 percent)
What Makes People More or Less Likely to Divorce? Your age. 43. 48% of those who marry before 18 are likely to divorce within 10 years, compared to 25% of those who marry after 25.
What is a toxic husband like?
Toxic people belittle their partners. They make fun of them in front of others or dismiss their ideas. Another common trait is anger. Any disagreement leads to a bad temper, making it hard to interact. Some people exert control by making their partner feel guilty. A toxic person might express disappointment if their partner goes back to school, making them feel guilty. A toxic partner overreacts to situations and needs constant reassurance. Such people often ignore their partners’ concerns and make everything about them. Narcissists seek drama and will make wild accusations or be excessively argumentative. Among the signs of a toxic marriage is an overdependence. The toxic person’s partner makes all the decisions. If things go wrong, they are to blame. This type of passivity is a way of exerting control in a marriage. An unreliable partner is also toxic because they don’t keep their promises. An overly jealous and possessive person can be toxic because they are suspicious and controlling. A selfish person drains their partner’s energy because they always want more. You could make them a fancy dinner, but they’ll find fault with the wine. If you recognize these signs in your partner, read on to learn how they affect your health. How Toxic Relationships Affect Your Mental Health. Married people live longer and recover from illness more quickly. But it’s also true the other way around. Studies show that conflict in marriage affects both physical and mental health. Stress from a toxic relationship can cause sleep problems, changes in appetite, and a weaker immune system.
What is walkaway wife syndrome?
Sometimes, one spouse leaves the other in a seemingly abrupt manner. It leaves the other spouse reeling, and it may shock family and friends. Theres a term for this: walkaway wife syndrome. This term is sometimes used to describe instances where a spouse – often the wife – has felt alone, neglected, and resentful in a deteriorating marriage and decides its time to end it.
What is walkaway wife syndrome?. Although the term “walkaway wife syndrome” might make it sound like a spur-of-the-moment decision, the “walkaway” usually comes after a long period of unresolved conflict. The divorce that results is sometimes years in the making.
After unsuccessfully trying to get her spouse to deal with their relationship issues, the wife in this situation finally decides its futile. She has taken time to consider all her options and prepared herself mentally, emotionally, and financially to leave the marriage.
What are the signs of an unhappy marriage?
You don’t talk much. There’s no intimacy. You’d rather be with friends than your partner. Everything they do bothers you. You’re emotionally distant. You have different values, beliefs, and goals. You criticize, disrespect, defend, and ignore each other. Being in a relationship is hard. Many couples forget the promise they made on their wedding day. People don’t just fall out of love. Problems often build up slowly, testing the basics of a relationship. People often file for divorce because of unreasonable behavior, infidelity, or financial problems.
What is a silent divorce?
What is a silent divorce? A silent divorce is a gradual separation between couples. Intimacy, love, and connection erode, leaving couples feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. A silent divorce is not official or legal. It happens without a formal declaration. A legal divorce involves court proceedings, lawyers, and dividing property. A silent divorce is about emotional disconnection, indifference, and a lack of shared experiences. The couple may still live together and have kids, but they don’t love each other anymore.
Signs of a Silent Divorce. A silent divorce isn’t discussed. But there are signs you might be going through a silent divorce. We’ll explain these signs below.
What happens when you stay in an unhappy marriage?
5. Staying in an unhappy marriage can lead to problems with your children. Staying in an unhappy marriage can make you resent your partner. These feelings can affect your relationships with others. Children who grow up in unhappy marriages miss out on good examples of healthy relationships. Tension and stress can make you angry and affect the parent-child relationship, leading to resentment and strained connections. If their childhood was a lie, what else is a lie?
6. Potential relief through separation. Sometimes, separation or divorce can help everyone. A peaceful home could help everyone heal and learn to cope better.
What is the miserable husband syndrome?
Miserable Husband Syndrome is when a man gets angry, frustrated, and anxious because he’s losing testosterone. This can be caused by aging, certain medications, or too much stress.
Can an unhappy marriage affect your health?
What are the effects of an unhealthy marriage? An unhealthy marriage can affect your health. It can cause problems with your heart and immune system. Staying in an unhappy marriage can make you feel bad about the other person, argue a lot, and fight.
Stress can hurt your health.
Can a toxic marriage make you sick?
Just like toxic chemicals, toxic people can make you sick. Living in a toxic marriage can be dangerous to your health, especially if it becomes abusive. How do you know if your marriage is toxic? Should you try to save it or get out? We discuss signs of a toxic marriage and share more below. What is a toxic marriage? The phrase “toxic relationship” was first used in 1995 by Lillian Glass, Ph.D. in her book Toxic People. Glass, a respected expert in communication and human behavior, created the term and defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship where there is conflict, competition, disrespect, and a lack of cohesion.” Glass’s definition is accurate, but I would add that a toxic marriage can also damage a spouse’s mind and increase the likelihood of physical harm. Toxic marriages don’t happen overnight. These marriages get worse over time. It’s easier to leave or heal a toxic marriage early on.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Sometimes, one spouse leaves the other suddenly. The other spouse is shocked. This is called “walkaway wife syndrome.” This term is used to describe when a spouse, often the wife, feels alone, neglected, and resentful in a bad marriage and decides to leave. What is walkaway wife syndrome? The term “walkaway wife syndrome” suggests a sudden decision, but it often comes after a long period of conflict. The divorce takes years to happen. After trying to get her spouse to deal with their relationship issues, the wife finally decides it’s pointless. She has thought about her options and is ready to leave the marriage.
📹 7 Effects a Sexless Marriage Has on a Man!
Use code HUB50 at adamandeve.com to get 50% off 1 item plus Free Shipping and a Mystery Gift In this video, Marriage …
Went through this for years. As well as other issues. Was told that “All you think about is sex” I stopped asking and we would go months without having sex. I was miserable felt unloved, unwanted, and used. I cheated and was still miserable cause I wanted my wife but had to bribe her for sex and claimed she had no sex drive . It was ridiculous. Honestly the best thing that ever happened was for her to stop having sex with me though because it made me realize how bad of a relationship it was. Were divorced now and I found someone I’m sexually compatible with. Its been amazing being desired again. There’s hope out there.
I lived like this for nearly a decade. No hugs. No hand holding, nothing. Even at her father’s funeral, when she was intensely crying, when I put my hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her, she angrily flinched and pushed me away as though I was trying to rape her or something. I stayed for the kids. Not my kids, hers from a previous marriage. I was constantly thinking about suicide. I was constantly told it was my problem, not hers. I felt less than a man. Hell, I felt less than human. When I met her, we were constantly having sex. She would initiate it most of the time. After we got married, she started chasing my family members away, my friends away, so soon I was totally isolated. Then the intamacy abruptly stopped. Right after I went out and purchased a house. After that, I was untouchable. Things didn’t change until I divorced her.
I’m leaving my wife of 5 years. I was clear on our first date, exactly what I needed and desired in a partner. She was that person… until we married. After which, she simply quit, as if I was caught and she didn’t need to do anything else. 5 years… 3 counselors… I’m done. She showed herself to actually be a frigid demanding narcissist. All 3 counselors tried to help, but I’ve never seen a person, who absolutely refused to take any personal responsibility as much as her. Then, when I left, she acts like we just needed to ‘work things out’.
Thank you bringing this subject to light. I was in a sexless marriage after we had two children. There was no reason on earth for sex not to continue. I refused to look outside the marriage. We had sex 4 times in 11 years! Whenever I would bring up the issue of intimacy I was met with rage. To this day I have no idea what her motives were but thankfully I separated and divorced her. It was the happiest day of my life. To sum it all up, I am happier without sex than living a hopeless dream that it might happen had I stayed in the marriage. I have had the best twelve years of my life enjoying my grown four children and five grandchildren. Just writing this note feels sooo good.
I must have seen thousands of articles on Youtube and this is by far the best one I have probably ever watched. Wish my wife could watch this and understand heading for a divorce within weeks. Gail is spot on with all these points. When you’ve gone through couples counseling 3 times and in a sexless marriage it is like living with a nightmare roommate. The anxiety level feels like you can have heart attack and any day. With 2 kids and the breakup of the family unit and home its heartbreaking but I cannot go on forever with a wife always angry and negative with no feelings, no affection and sees no future with me. Mentally it tears you up to pieces.
Wow I thought it was just me, I recently walked out of a 20 yr marriage. 6 Years ago my wife told me directly I dont need sex anymore at my age. Every effect you discussed I went through with the exception of a full on affair but was certainly heading that way. I felt totally trapped with an early death a welcome option. I am now in a new relationship at age 65 with a woman my own age and happier than I have ever been and yep we both need sex and enjoying it, not swinging off the ceilings but the magic moments in that after glow are incredible.
I love the fact that you are bringing it to the surface as a professional because it is a serious issue in so many marriages. The one thing I wish you would have spoke about is how men feel love differently than women. Mine isn’t considered a sexless marriage but close and I’ve put hours into trying to figure out why it hurt my feelings so bad when she turns me down, I don’t even ask that that often anymore. I would ask myself why she doesn’t love me anymore and at times, became resentful. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not that she doesn’t love me, it’s the fact that my needs to feel loved aren’t being meant. We went 2 1/2 years working different shifts and I would miss her so much since I only seen her on weekends and if she turned me down weekend after weekend, I missed her more and more. Depression would start to kick in. When we would finally make love, the idea of her not loving me would totally leave my thoughts. Sex is how men feel loved and for this, women have pegged us as dogs that just need to hump. Men need to feel love just as much as women, but most of the time our needs are put on the back burner. It’s funny how women think they have men figured out when in reality,they don’t even know us. I wish you would have talked more about the emotional side of the situation for men than the physical, but I’m thankful you spoke about in any form. Please, for the sake of saving marriages and making those living the nightmare better, continue speaking out on the subject.
I was in a sexless marriage for 15 years. I was afraid to divorce her for a number of reasons which I won’t get into now. However, she eventually divorced me. In the 6 months following our divorce, I had more sex than in the 15 years of our dead end marriage. I will never again allow such fear to have a grip on me. The dating game was far better to me than marriage was.
My wife stopped having sex with me 16 years ago. For five years I thought it was due to health reasons (she had had pelvic injuries). Then she told me she had cut me off deliberately, and we moved to separate bedrooms. I have not, and will not, have an affair (thought she believes otherwise). In the beginning of our marriage, my wife was my right hand. Now, my right hand is my wife.
This is so true. I have been in a sexless marriage for half the time we have been married. I tried to address it multiple times but all I get is “I just don’t feel like it”. We are roommates. I’ve become indifferent to her. I asked for a divorce and she did the bare minimum to keep me around, promised counciling but never happened. I should have divorced over 10 years ago. Not sure why I’m still here except I’d probably loose everything. I fast approaching I don’t care anymore mode.
Your ‘effects’ are 100% + 1! After our 3rd child, she didn’t lose any of the added weight which affected her health and attitude. After 2 years, she didn’t want me to see her naked and stopped ANY intimacy. So we spent the last 29 years of our 40 together like that. I had the opportunities to cheat but I’m not that type because I made promises to keep. I’ve been ‘single’ for 5 years and have 2 grown kids at home (COVID to blame). The “+1” I mentioned is that many of the effects you mentioned have now made it very difficult FOR ME to begin looking for someone else to share my life. I try to stay active, but there’s a hollowness to all of it.
16 years and 2 kids in, I don’t think she has so much as touched me in over 4 years. We literally sit on opposite ends of the couch when we watch TV. I won’t cheat on her because that’s not who I am, and I won’t leave her because my kids need me and I need them. At the same time, I have to look away just seeing happy couples around on the street. I can’t even enjoy porn anymore because it just reminds me of the intimacy we don’t have. I’ve brought it up with her many times over the years and all she ever does is promise to try harder, but nothing ever changes. Not even in the short term. So I stopped bringing it up. I do have a roommate. Resentment is not a strong enough word.
I dealt with a sexless marriage for ten years. I experienced most of these things in this article. No matter how romantic you try to be or how much emotional support and how much you help with everything it doesn’t get you anywhere. The best thing I ever did was get divorced. I finally feel like I am valued and attractive again with all the attention I get from women now. I finally feel like I’m living a healthy life. Sex takes away so much stress away. The best advice I can give is to never get married. Just stay in the bf/gf zone. If your gf stops having sex you can leave without having to worry about losing half of all your assets.
I imagine one of the biggest frustrations of being denied sex is that most husbands will do anything to make their wives happy, but when being denied sex, it feels like the favor is not being returned. It would require so little effort from the wife to put a smile on the husband’s face, even just lending a hand would go a long way, but yet it never occurs. Women tend to believe they need a reason to give a man sex, but what better reason is there than making her man happy ?
30+ years with out touching my wife of 54 years. It was a switch that was turned off. Nothing ! Kissing, cuddling, petting, just nothing. I miss what I could feel like. Wanted. I’ve given up and buried myself in work 7 days a week and concentrate on that. Thing is, I think of how many women who would love to love and have me somewhere and being in the same position. Makes me sick in the head. And I’ve been faithful and she could care less.
Thanks for this info. I needed to hear this to acknowledge more what I was feeling in being in a sexless marriage for so many years. We weren’t in a mutual agreement to stop having sex and it has caused me to be depressed and has affected my health. I hate living like this in a dead marriage. My wife has just shut herself off from me completely and just doesn’t want it anymore. I don’t get her on why we had to stop loving each other. No touch, no cuddling, no hugging much, no kissing, and especially, no sex. Please keep her and I in prayer. God bless you for sharing this! Peace be with you!
Wow, I have hit the wall with this article. I have been married for almost 30 years and been suffering from this for I would say 27 ish. It has brought to me lots of internal pain because I have brought it up to her many times to the point of me now not wanting to try anymore! My entire marriage I have had 2 jobs but still go head over heels for Family.
IMO..about having a mutual agreement not to have sex. If you don’t want to have sex with your husband or wife..don’t get married!!!! Sex is a vital part of marriage. The only exception is just for a short time for prayer. Some people get married then refuse to be intimate and ruin another person’s life.
Be real careful who you marry is all I can say guys. It is very hard to get out of a sexless marriage as the depression and rejection is debilitating! Also it does not matter how good a husband and or lover you are, some people are just broke from some tragic event that you had no part of and they will never recover from.
I can confirm that you are absolutely right on every point. You described my first marriage perfectly. And it wasn’t a “sexless” marriage by your clinical definition, but I had to masturbate twice or more for every time we had sex, and you are right, I ended up resenting her so much that there was no fixing the marriage. She finally figured out that sex was important to me, so she let me have it when I wanted to, but she never in 20 years initiated it. The damage was already done, I finally owned up to my “mistress”, and we’ve been blissful for almost 20 years.
This was exactly spot on! I’m experiencing 7 out of 7 effects here and going for 3 years now. I’ve been in counseling for 9 months, but I’m starting to have doubts it will last. If she jumped me for sex today, I feel like it would simply “add insult to injury”. Thanks Gail! This was a really good article.
Your article popped up in the feed while I was doing something else on my computer. It made me almost cry because I’ve been in the sexless marriage for over 10 years and it’s hurts. I love her a lot, but it still hurts. There is a lot of truth in what you have said. Thank you, I thought it was just me.
Dr. Crowder, I just really find it hard to believe the percentage is not higher! I’m a single 54 year old man, bad childhood of divorce, and have always been afraid of marriage primarily for this reason. I know of maybe 20 percent of my married friends that have sex more than once a month. Sometimes the woman refuses right after marriage, if not, once children come along it’s game over. The woman’s demands and needs are always met or there is hell to pay, but the husband’s needs are just looked at as an inconvenience and kicked to the curb. It’s a losing proposition for men because they will usually be financially destroyed after a divorce. It makes me angry just thinking about it.
We men can get anything that our wives won’t give us, with the exception of sex. If we don’t have food, we buy it outside or cook it. If we don’t have someone to wash our clothes, we wash them ourselves. If there is no one to clean the house, we can also do it or hire someone to do it. But when it comes to sex, intimacy, that special thing between two who love each other, no. Marriage, coexistence relationship or whatever requires something very important, fidelity. Therefore, when a man agrees to be with a woman in a monogamous way, it is the responsibility, almost the obligation of the woman to attend to that need. It’s incredible how they corner you in the middle of a relationship where you can’t look for sex outside but you don’t receive it inside either. Depriving someone of something so important is evil. Women, contrary to what many think, do it to screw up to annoy, because they can.
I just begin perusal this, I don’t know if it will be mentioned, but there is a generational effect from a sexless marriage. My parents were married for almost 65 years, when my father passed. My mother would withhold sex from him for decades at a time. I know in one instance, there was a 14 year interval when he was deprived. I’m 67 now, and I will tell you for certain that my mothers abuse of my father had a collateral affect on my life. I grew up with a profound sense of being unworthy. When I finally did get married, I was 46 years old. That marriage lasted 16 years. I’m certain that I will remarry, but I will seek someone from another nation and another culture, where the women have completely different attitudes about the purpose of marriage. What is absolutely tragic about this, is that this is at crisis proportions, in Christian/church environments. There is actually an emerging statistic, pointing to the reality that 50% of all man alive today globally, will never in their lifetime experience intimacy with a woman. Ladies, there simply cannot be that many defective men in the world! Even prominent Christian counselors will advise couples that the one singular justification for divorce, is when sex is being withheld from a partner. That’s the entire purpose of marriage. If you can’t enjoy that within the boundaries of marriage, what are you doing together? Might as well just get a nice dog, and call it a day.
I’ve been going through this for about 11 yrs now. Been married for 31 yrs and have never had regular sex but something was better than nothing. Now it’s absolutely nothing and not able to even speak about it without a huge argument. The depression sets in and then the not giving a crap about gaining weight or eating habbits set in and it escalates from there.
My wife went through the menopause, she lost interest in sex, when it did happen it Was painful for her, she had estrogen treatment, it helped slightly, but I know she still doesn’t welcome my attention, I can’t see any way, other than me accepting sexual contract between us is over, it’s such a shame because I still feel the same as when I was 21.
I just wish I could get my spouse to watch this. I am on the brink of ending the marriage. Right now I only still in the marriage for my daughters. In the dating phase we were all over each other, but 2 weeks after the wedding she was like a different person. My wife doesn’t see it as a priority. She will spend all day cleaning the house from top to bottom but if I ask her before she starts cleaning I always get I am too tired. Never in my wildest dreams would I thought I would be in this situation.
Went 6 months turned down every time I tried to initiate, I then decide to wait for her to want sex. After 6 more months she finally asked me why I wasn’t asking for sex anymore. I pointed out that the constant rejections had made me very depressed and so that I didn’t hear no again I was leaving it up to her to initiate. Big mistake it was 14 months later when she initiated, when we started she said she was tired so if I could please get it over quick that would be nice. I thought for about a minute and told her I was done, I wasn’t going to force myself on her as it was clear she didn’t want sex with me. Soon after I was getting dressed for the day when she came into the bedroom and took off her robe and started getting dressed. That was when I discovered that her naked body that for 50 years was everything to me didn’t do anything for me. I had to leave the room as I started to panic as I had never had this feeling before. Every time I start thinking about initiating anything I found I have a fear of rejection and freeze up. I now know what Al Bundy on “Married with Children” meant when he said he welcomed death.
Wow I think she just wrote my marriage before divorce. I take responsibility for everything I did wrong in my former marriage, but my wife used sex as a weapon for over 20 years. Not until one day, I educated myself, got in shape, got my finances on point, started being more flirtatious with other women when out in social gatherings that my wife was at. What I found out was, my wife didn’t care, not one bit. It’s called dread game, a guys last chance to make it work. I told my wife that I would never again ask her for sex, and 2 years later, divorced. It’s a hard pill to swallow for men, that their wife doesn’t want them, but I had to look that pill in the eyes, and swallow it, and moved on with my life, and never look back. If I could talk to my 20 something self, the first time my wife denied me sex, I would show her the door, and tell her to get out. She would either respect what sex meant to me and our marriage, or she would have found out sooner, that she didn’t really love and want me, and I was not her first choice. Yes men, hard to swallow that your wife might not want you, but if she doesn’t, no amount of marriage counseling will help, cut your losses and move on. I would never do that to myself again, depression, self hate, feeling trapped. Never again.
Looking at all the comments, I see I”m not the only one who agrees with all your points. I do not cheat on my wife, but I have so much resentment toward her, it is destroying my love for her. There is always a reason not to have sex – too busy, too tired, doesn’t feel well, not the right time, etc. Yet, she can find the time to do everything else in the world. I can only feel that she hates sex and refuses to take pleasure in it at all. On good days, I can distract myself a little, but most days I am deeply resentful, depressed, and angry that I am not trapped in this marriage. I appreciate your article but wish women (especially, my wife) were the primary ones perusal it.
I have been around the world and this problem seems to be a first world issue. Asian, African, Latin and Caribbean women actually like sex. I never had a problem. American, Canadian, English and Australian women all have the same issue. I was with an American woman for a while and eventually moved in as soon as we got engaged. Within a month I saw a drop off. I talked to her and she agreed it would change. Ironically that was the last time we had sex and within a month I ended the relationship. If a man wants a death sentence for his sex life in America all he has to do is get married.
You are spot on!!! This is 💯 accurate, each point. It puts men in a position that in spite of their love for their family, they’d be willing to end the marriage even though they really don’t want to but going sexless is unendingly horrible. The Bible says it’s better to marry than to burn with passion, it’s worse to be married and still burning with unfulfilled passions, dealing with all the ramifications of thoughts and desires that go against your own principles. After many conversations, she still didn’t get it. A sad reality.
You are 100% right. I’ve been in a near-sexless marriage for 23 years, completely sexless for 1.5 years. Ive been through all the stuff you mention. Obviously there’s contributing factors. But really, the biggest problem is everything in (western modern) society is slanted towards women. Mens primary needs, like sex, are unenforceable. Their traditional role is actually under attack. While women have a pro-woman divorce lawyer section in the yellow pages thicker than their head. All it takes is a phone call with a false accusation to have the man locked up in jail and his life ruined. Let alone the media/culture support. Men have no such options.
Thank you my sister for your website. I wish that I could have known about your website a few years ago. Your website probably could have saved my marriage between my ex-wife and I. She would always withhold sex from me and act like she didn’t need sex. I used to think that it was because she was 10.5 years older than I and she had reached menopause. I went 2.5 years without sex before my divorce. My prostate was becoming unhealthy, but it’s much better now. I thankful to God, for blessing me to get remarried to an amazing wife. My wife is everything that I have always wanted in a wife. As far as sex/intimacy, she is best that I have ever had. This is the first time in my life that I have ever felt like I am making love to my wife. Whenever we make love, I feel like we become even more closer. I really love my wife.
Hi Gail, You don’t know how glad that I am that I have came upon this article because you are talking about the same thing that we talked about when we spoke in that 15 minute session. I wish that you and my wife could talk. I believe that you will be able to get to her. Thanks for doing this article because it was well needed for wives to hear this.
Scrolled down to the comments only to realize that I am not the only one in being alone in this regret of a marriage. I am just focusing on my duty at this point and trying to be there for my wonderful kids, but barely hanging on. I welcome #7 and health problems. I am ready to go. Keep the Faith guys. I wish we could meet up for beers or better yet, start a fight club for our own kind of therapy. 🙂
Recently separated after four years. I would say sex declined to maybe 20 to 25 times a year, but basically the last two years she just wasn’t present during sex. Which I actually felt worse after. Also I just started not even trying to get her involved. All the examples you mentioned definitely applied in my relationship. So I would say that even if a man is getting a little more sex, if the quality is not there, it mine as well not be there at all.
When I married my husband I wanted him & was so passionate with him. I always looked forward to our love making. Never occured to me to ever withhold sex from him. However, after a few months of marriage, when we went out in public he would totally gawk at attractive women right in front of me. This really hurt me & made me feel like I wasn’t enough for him. I started getting a complex. It was starting to effect my sexual feelings toward him & wondering why he wanted to hurt me like that. I even told him about how it made me feel, but he ignored me & kept on with that behavior. Then he started to hardly pay attention to me or listen to anything I had to say. Sometimes he would get angry over 8:05 the slightest thing. I started losing my desire for him because of the way he treated me. Then he started getting physically abusive, pushing me or twisting my arms. After that I lost all desire to be intimate with him. He would complain that we never have sex. I told him it’s hard to cuddle up to someone who is abusing you. I eventually divorced him. But I bet he would tell others he knew that I never wanted to have sex. Not the truth that he caused his wife, who normally was a very passionate, loving, sexy woman who totally enjoyed making love, into a woman that was emotionally dead inside and destroyed their sex life. So guys, how do you treat your wife? Do you make her feel like she’s loved & sexy? Do you know how to be romantic, fun & thoughtful? Do you make her feel like you have only eyes for her?
Listening to this article and the below comments truly made me very very sad as i also have been in a sexless marriage for close to 10 years or so, been married 23 years, 24 in july. The dynamics are crazy, she cut me off because i was not the romantic man she wanted and while she never verbalized why she cut me off, i know it was the reason because she had this twisted disney fantasy about what marriage and romance was to be and she beat me up verablly for years, telling me on many occassion that i was not romantic, warm, and touchy enough for her,.. She even crushed me on a few occasions over the years by telling me that i defrauded her and that had she known how messed up i was in the romance area she would have never married me.. I should have left then but i was naively trying top please and figure out how to make my wife happy, which was a huge mistake.. Talk about a blow to the heart, not once but at least two to three times over the years did she tell me that, i guess as a reminder to me of her dissapointment with me as her husband, and because I did not meet her ( infantile disneyesq ) sick fantasy she first moved out the bed room into the spare room and she stayed in there for about 6 years, afterwards, i guess because of guilt and i totally started ignoring her she moved back into the bed room only because I old her i was getting rid of our Cali King bed and buying a twin adjustable bed, which i did and boy was she upset telling me we cannot cuddle in a twin adjustable bed, ( really – we had not slept in the same room in 6 years) at this point i was already done and did not care any longer, so i bought my adjustable bed.
My wife of 20 years wanted everything but gave nothing. She was totally entitled. One sexual encounter in 5 years was an ongoing horror story. She tried to look dumpy and never ever tried to be sexy for me. I left with my son and it was the best thing for both of us. I know so many men going through the same thing. What the HELL is the matter with American women?
Thank you for this article. As one that’s been in a sexless marriage for close to 30 years now, I’d given up trying years ago, I told her this as well. The rejection is just painful. I so long to feel wanted, desired, needed. I’ve been told I wasn’t normal having an active libido. Shrug. I fear that I’ll cheat and know how susceptible I am if shown attention from another woman. So I’m taking care of myself solo.
I was in a marriage like that years ago. If a wife makes the availability of sex difficult or a real chore,I must say I just lost sexual interest in her.The hassle was just not worth it.I found satisfaction working on my farm all day,every day and just ignoring my wife.She started it.They get real mad when you dont come onto them for intimacy.I’m glad she left.
My wife and I probably should have separated a while ago. She want’s better communication but is like kissing a rock when I try to show affection. I have a multitude of women that hit on me on the regular but I can’t bring myself to cheat. I knew it was over when she didn’t hardly speak to me while we were on a trip and we had many opportunities to have sex and she wouldn’t. I am still very resentful towards her because of that.
Spot-on!! 4 years and 3 months of no intimate contact for this guy, before we went different directions. I hung in there, hoping she would change directions, but it didn’t happen. I was married for 20 years, and fortunately after we split up and getting back to dating I found someone who was the other extreme – any time, all the time. It was so empowering to my psyche that had been beaten down. She wasn’t the right person for me, long-term, but she was a god-send I’m transition.
Women withholding sex with their husband isn’t always about punishing him. Sometimes they genuinely don’t want to have sex anymore, and the reason is they’ve lost respect for him. Its the number one reason they go off sex. If she doesn’t respect him she can’t get sexually aroused. Period. Happens a lot, at first things are great, passion is there etc, because everything is new. The faults, the imperfections don’t appear for a while. But gradually couples get to know each other a lot, and thats when she can start losing respect for her husband. Men need to recognise that and nip it in the bud, and hopefully you can talk it through like adults and fix it. But sometimes its a lost cause, and she’s already moved on (she’s either cheating on him or planning to). In those cases, you need to walk away. She probably wasn’t a good match for you anyway. Life is too short to be unhappy, and a sexless marriage will make you miserable and resentful. End it, and go find a better match, or just stay single. Either way, you’ll be happier.
Oh my god, HELP ME! I’ve just got divorced for the second time. For the second time the woman said no when i demanded that we go to counselling. For the second time i eventually got it my way and then it ended in divorce. They way i see it they both wanted status quo. I tell you, next time i hear some one spill the frase, happy wife, happy life, i bite there head off🤬
I am in a sexless marriage for the past 4 years it and have grown apart because of it. I am not sure if it is just a form of control but it can cause depression. We are just roomates now. I do feel I am being punished and it does cause resentment. People don’t realize how important it is for a healthy marriage.
This is a comfermation of unanswered questions that I have been waiting for about 7 yrs my wife devorced me after. 30 yrs and I didn’t realize she was doing all seven of these to me so this explains why I was the way I was the last. Five yrs I could of had a stroke or heart a tack the way I was going ☹️ but thank God I am healthy, no stress and free from here tactics I pray 🙏🏾 for her healing 😊
So my marriage just ended and I can say that everything you said was 100% spot on except #1 it wasn’t me who did the cheating it was her. Which of course only made all the other symptoms that much worse once I found out she had been having an affair for a year behind my back. My marriage didn’t end there. We attempted to work through it for a few more years. Of absolute misery. And in the end it was her choice to divorce because I never gave up trying to fulfill my commitment.
I just noticed this article. I have many things in common with a lot of the folks that replied in this thread. We tried therapy and it never worked. I have attempted to discuss this with her many times without much success or being able to get her undivided attention. I am a believer that it takes both to be dedicated to make it work, and both to also be dedicated to make it bad. I am unable to blame my wife for the place we are at. I could certainly discuss all of the ways that this has hurt me, but it will only take the focus off of the fact that we did not work and communicate enough. Now we have so many of our dreams that have come true, and we are not really happy enough to share the joy of them. I have found that I feel a bit more resentful now. Medical problems have cropped up for me, changing my youthfulness and vigor. This is so connected to my image of my being a man that it is causing many of the things discussed in this article. Just writing and acknowledging this has helped, but I am so unsure of where else to go.
I was married for 30 years and much of that time was like so many of you have written. Sometimes a year at a time without sometimes two. The last 5 years, nothing! It was humiliating and degrading, and a lot of other things. One exuse after the other. It actually for a while got to where I would initiate just to see what new reason she could come up with. When she became abusive, I finally had had enough. My kids are grown so I dont have that to deal with, the divorce was painful but well needed.
WHOA!!!!! I am bolled over! Firstly, (I’m not an emotional type guy but…) I do “FEEL” like this woman has so much love in her! Dr. Gail, you exude so much love and care in your presentation! Your content is flawless (tho’ you need a bit of editorial help with the meme’s you used) You’re right on target (speaking as a man who has lived in a sexless marriage) with the detriment to our mental and physical AND emotional health. THANK YOU Dr. Gail for this! God bless you!
This is so me 😭. Im faithful, take care of my kids, buy flowers and chocaktes randomly and she loves it, do 95% of cooking, cleaning, laundry, pay all the bills and I now get it once a year SMH. Always a excuse, im tired, stressed, just wanna relax or mad over stuff that happened months or years back.
Was in this for years before she left me for someone else who was old enough to be her father. I got so use to shutting off the sex drive because I was made to feel so guilty or perverted for even wanting it and I was a faithful man so it just left me feeling unattractive sexually even though I was the sole provider and was also taking care of all the cookikg and cleaning for her and I and our 3 kids. I did everything possible to make her wanr me and she didn’t. It’s affecting me still to this day over 10 years later in relationships where i automatically turn off my sex drive out of a feeling of guilt.
Thank you for discussing this. I give you a lot of credit for caring and putting out there how generally a man will feel about this situation. You are right on. I have lived this for many years. Before we married the only thing I could tell was there was a small difference in appetite, Otherwise there seemed not to be inhibitions to various things regarding sex. However soon after marriage things started coming off the table. There was always a reason not to. I wish I had pursued more effort through conversation to understand, but I did not, got confused, fustrated, and angry. Your stages are right on + 1. I have gravitated over the years to putting more effort into provision and hobbies. I find myself not willing to trust intimacy.
It’s not primarily about the pleasure, it’s more about emotional warmth and acceptence. Sexless marriege is aweful because it hold you hostage, you have no choice, and if you do seeing other woman, it only creates damage, hurts and lots of stress in your life. I feel drained inside and i feel strengthless. I didn’t even realize this after all these years, that it is one of the major factor to my inner stress and sadness
I’ve had depression for 5 out of 10 years of our marriage.This was directly due to our underactive sex life.Its caused countless arguments.I’ve described what I need from my wife but she just says “Well you weren’t into that when we 1st got married” so no new things can be introduced at this point in our marriage
I was in a sexless marriage for 15 years. I didn’t realize this was as common as stated in this article. I thought it was only my marriage. What made it worse, was for about half of this time, I was a student attending university working on a career transition and seeking employment. A very stressful time. Finally, the marriage ended in a divorce. Had a very negative impact on my self esteem and confidence. But, always maintained a positive attitude, although challenging at times. Thank god that is over now. Moved to Japan 11 years ago. I’m in the countryside where meeting single women is almost impossible. I’ll finally be returning to Canada within a few years and starting to date once again in my early 60s. It will be interesting, since I haven’t experienced any intimacy with a woman in about 15 years now. I keep fit with regular exercise which helps.
I have written a lot about this before. A sexless marriage is just absurd. It is preposterous. It is almost a crime, but more personal. I know sometimes divorce seems so impossible, for any number of real reasons. But after everything else has been tried, I see nothing wrong with finally having some serious discussions and saying “You leave me no choice. There is no recourse, other than divorce, but to seek sex elsewhere. Is that ok with you?” And see how that sinks in. Actually it is strange, I know a couple where the long-time wife does not cheat but refuses any sex at all with her husband, for decades already!!! So apparently she knows he finds it elsewhere, and has to spend a rather big percentage of the family budget on the other woman. Wife seems ok with this, they don’t talk about it… ANYTHING rather than to have sex with the man she married!!!!!!!! It’s a crazy world out there.
Dr Gail the the article today was fantastic for me as it resonates with my failed marriage those 7 reasons hit home everything that’s happened in my life I never got depressed luckily the shunned feeling is devastating especially when you’re young there was one life changing issue which I complied with to improve the sex life and it never happened. So I did look elsewhere thanks for this lovely article
How about none for 8 years. I got sick of being faithful to her (not to mention paying all her bills, putting up with daily tantrums, fixing everything she couldn’t – which was everything). The entire 18 year relationship was filled with so much anger and I could never figure out why. After having wasted 18 years of my life to that B, I’m gone at 60yrs old. Complete narc.
We men need love too..If things aren’t going well in the bedroom, I’ll blame myself first..If taking care of myself, working hard, being faith inspired and showing my devotion isn’t enough for her, it will be BEYOND for some other lucky lady…It took most of my life to realize that I’d better find a compliment but, good things come to those who wait…Good luck people..
Wow…..saw this and looked back several years ago before my divorce…..felt like I was checking off an inventory sheet. She wondered why I would sit on the other end of the couch and she knew I hated/despised her……now it makes all the sense in the world. When I asked for one evening for counseling (that I had planned to pay for) and she said “With what time?” I knew there was no fixing and no saving things. Called it quits about 4 years ago…….
I was dating a terrific gal for a few years and only because I had to practically beg for any bedroom fun, that I had to leave. It broke my heart to not feel that kind of affection from her. The crazy thing is I believe she truly loved me…. she took care of me and Us in every other way. Cannot imagine the torture of being locked into a marriage.
WOW! With each point, except the last, I was like, check, check, check. I’ve had conversations, I’ve bought books, I’ve watched articles, i’m tired. At the end of the day, I love my wife, she’s an incredible woman, I’m just not IN LOVE with her any more. Out of marriage, she will be my best friend, but I’m going down in age and I still have alot sex left in me. I’m not ready for this state yet. I would have liked to consider Polyamory, she shot that shit right down. Our kids have never seen us heated or out of sorts, though 19 and 17 I’m afraid it might devastate them if I were to just up and leave, particularly as they are ofcourse closer to their mother and would naturally view her as “The Victim”. So yeah, I’m depressed AF, she thinks it’s because of work and the last thing I need is a pity fuck. (tried it) It sucks. However, I am working out, getting in shape, so if someone happens to appreciate and wants to reward the effort, I’m not going to resist. The chips will have to fall where they may.
Just watched2 articles and already know that subscribing and listening is my last effort to help me and my wife fix us! If only I could get her to watch and LISTEN as well. I pray.. I sincerely pray.. that we find something in your articles/blogs and median that will help us. I refuse to live another year in a sexless marriage!!
This article is so spot on. Gail you are so amazing at just getting right to the heart of these issues. I found your website trying to figure out my own troubles and how to explain these exact things to my wife. If you consider only 10 times a year a sexless marriage would also consider it sexless if the wife is available for sex when ever you want it but stops all other forms of sex play like oral for either, toys, manual and even flirting or any initiation when all that was plentiful in the beginning of the marriage. She’s basically just a glorified sex doll. Could you do a article on this kind of scenario and how it would completely turn a man off and make him disconnect?
My ex with held sex. I had no desire to protect her, interact with her, or even be around her. I don’t remember one happy moment from that marriage. We were two broken people who had no right getting married. She was one of the most screwed up individuals that I have ever met. Since we are attracted to people on our same emotional level, that meant I was one of the most screwed up individuals that I have ever met. Thankfully, I learned about forgiveness and developed many new perspectives and more positive mindsets.
I’m a 47 year old black man with high blood pressure and diabetes so let me put that out there first off second off you are absolutely right in all of your points I understand and feel all of your points I have been with this woman for 20 years we are not married however it feels as if we are married now in the last 11 years I can count on both hands how many times we have had intimacy. I don’t even bother to ask her lately because it’s an argument or a fight and a man shouldn’t feel like that so I haven’t asked in about 3 months we haven’t had sex in 4 years and 6 months I believe the problem is me because of my issues with health I’m trying to work on them and get better but I don’t have what seems is a mature partner to understand and help me conquer my problems and I do believe that I am a victim of all of your points 1 through 7. Only thing I seen to think of to do right now it’s to pray thank you for this article because your perspective is correct and again that’s coming from a man who is going through it
Thanks, good advice. When I don’t feel like being intimate it’s not meant to punish him, it’s usually because I’ve felt insulted or hurt by him. When we’ve fought I just don’t feel turned on towards him. I usually just feel injured or unloved. So it’s not a punishment. But this article is very helpful. Thanks
Your article is very informative. I agree sex is important in a marriage and should not be used as a weapon. My husband and I had a healthy sexual relationship. Now, Im in menapause. Not all peri or menapausal women are like me, but we do exist. My lack of excitment for sex is not my husband’s fault. There are things he can do to help but its not his fault. I wish there were articles on sex and intimacy for older couples or peri(menapausal) couples. Our society dont talk about menapause and how it changes indvividuals and relationships. I am 50 years old and have been married for 17 years, we have 2 children. About 3 years ago, I started losing interest in sex. I experienced vaginal dryness and penitration hurted. I spoke to my doctor and was prescribed HRT / Bio Te. Bio Te made me hyper sexual. My husband got tired and I had to relieve myself through porn and or vibrators. Plus, the HRT ( I believe) was causing weight gain. I was starting to feel un attractive because of the weight gain. I will admit HRT did help with the peri menapause and menapause symptoms ( hot flashes / night sweats and etc). My husband accepts Im in menapause but he doesnt fully accept it. My vaginal dryness is improving. Lubication helps. I have sex with my husband but I have no excitment. When he ask I will comply out of obligation. My interest in sex is to keep him happy and to keep our marriage. We talk about my lack of excitment for sex and what makes me excited. I told and showed him what excits me. However, during sex its back to straight forward penitration.
It is like you read my mind. It has been 30 months since my wife of 29 years and I have had any kind of sexual interaction on even a basic level. I am feeling everything you said in your article. I have brought it up again and again with no change. There is always an excuse or I am told fine then do it. I am not looking to force her to do something she clearly does not want to do. I love her more than I can say but it is REALLY hard not to let that resentment dictate how I feel and interact with her. We have been through some of the worst times a couple can experience (the loss of a child) but I don’t want to live like this anymore. Not saying I want to leave to be sure but I could not be more unhappy with this aspect of our marriage. Every other part or our relationship is a 10 out of 10 but this is really hurting me and is coloring how I act even when I try not to let it. This problem predates the passing of our son 10 years ago so something is wrong and I seem unable to fix it. Not looking for counseling in the comment section of a YouTube article. Just sharing a little piece of my story and wanted you to know at least for me your list is spot on. I am glad YouTube recommend this article to me out of the blue. Thanks for making it.
Being in a sexless relationship is brutal and I went through a really bad patch with my health it was like my whole body just gave up…currently working out and losing weight and will no doubt be having sex with someone willing soon enough…I feel for all my brothers out there suffering through this long slow death…work on yourself and find a new woman…good luck!
I experienced this. Sexual intimacy became a treat for being a “good boy” or for negotiating for financial rewards. Turns out she was having an affair with another man. I paid the rent and even gave her a monthly allowance for the home. But I was never good enough. I always had to apologize for something even she was in the wrong. Eventually I pulled the trigger and filed for divorce. Sent her back to them “Skreets””. The man she was having an affair with married his baby mama instead of her. SometImes the greatest punishment is giving people exactly what they want. Now she has to pay her rent, bills, car notes and health insurance, while God is blessing me in my career. Will be buying a house soon. Meeting amazing women but I am wary of them. Sexless marriage takes a toll on your mental health and self worth. Makes it difficult to trust other women. Always making you think: ” If I marry this person, will they change once they have the ring? Will they subject you to the horrors of sexless marriage? “. I was a virgin when I got married. And now that I am out I am celibate. Don’t feel comfortable with sex before marriage because of my Christian faith. I am currently working with my therapist. This is so spot on. Thanks, Dr. Gail.
100% spot on. Several commentors have mentioned this- just stopped trying. My daughter is difficult to put to sleep. Nowadays I just let her sleep with her mom because at this point it’s like, if I’m not going to have sex then I might as well get a good night’s sleep. Going on two weeks sleeping in the guest room. This has been an issue for 3 years now if not longer. I think we had sex once this year and it wasn’t great. As long as I know this is not the norm, I’m just not committed to it anymore. Considered sharing this with her but I can already hear the gaslighting that will come after that
Twice in 5 years after my second child. I now have little to no self esteem as I have been rejected so much. I have ED, I have become insecure which I never was. If I raise it all I get is an argument. There is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have never cheated and won’t as I am a loyal person but this is very difficult.
I faced the same with mine, I tried to fix it, talked it out, but it got worse each passing day. I basically lost my sex drive and desire for it. Until I grew a pair and got someone who handled me well, I realized I was not going to waste my life trying to reason with a woman who has no desire to enjoy sex with her husband. So Instead of sneaking around,I went home one day and told her am done, didn’t care what she want to take in the divorce,don’t care if I was left with a shoe box, at least I won’t be sexless in that shoe box. Am happy now and she’s another poor dudes headache.
My wife did not “withhold” sex, the issue was basically that she was a very limited participant. She enjoyed sex but she took no initiative and showed no interest beyond the actual act, in the moment. We have always had a really good relationship, we rarely argue or fight. Our biggest issue has always been the fact that she just shows no interest or care in the day to day and that, in and of itself makes a man feel unwanted, undesired, unnecessary. Her lack of care lead to my interest and desire plummeting and basically destroying life. The worst part is, she is my best friend, the person I trust most in the world, the person I can’t imagine going through life without but had I known (way back when) that the price I needed to pay for having her in my life was basically the forfeiture of a satisfying sexual relationship, it would have been a nearly impossible decision to make. I have always believed that we were meant to be together…….. but in a far deeper connecting way than that of only best friends.
Been thr😢 all the 7 effects. It’s true it makes you the loneliest soul in a marriage. You feel trapped and the resentment is real. And if you happen to have sex at all you feel dirty and used. And the irony is that there is always someone out there who wants to have sex with you but you don’t want to be unfaithful, and she doesn’t seem to care. And 100% chances are she won’t watch this article. It’s like she is sick, but you are the one to go see the doctor and get treated on her behalf. Really frustrating!
I think that most women are taught so much of sexual phobia by their mothers especially in Asian and East Asian communities that when they do get a husband they apply the same phobia as a defence mechanism when they are stressed or frustrated for any and everything. There is so much pressure on a young woman to make the right decisions, not to become pregnant, to see men as people who just want them for sex etc that when they are actually with a man many of them are so afraid and insecure that they cant understand what is intimacy. It’s unfortunate and very disgusting to deal with this in the setting of a marriage.
Don’t ever involve signing papers with the government for marriage. Have a great ceremony with family and friends that want to recognize and celebrate your bond, build a home, wear rings and be truly committed and in love. Be MARRIED! But DO NOT involve a third party like the government. This is the height of stupidity, my men. Be wise.
I’m at this point, I have been feeling alllllll those. Been married 7yrs, i am 50 and wife is 38, I have a strong sex drive, My wife doesnt care for sex, 5x in the last 2 years, Ive talked and talked, ive initiated counseling, 2x and we have 2 kids, and i have given up on trying to have sex,and resorted to porn being my wife now… I justify staying bcz i dont want my children to grow up in a broken home…But my home is broken,
I wonder how many men here have gone out of their way to make their woman feel special. Just bringing in a pay check, then putting your feet up expecting her to do everything is not enough. She needs you to tell her how important she is to you, how grateful you are for her to be in your life, listen to her feelings, make her feel desirable, maker her feel cherished. If a woman stops having sex with a guy, either she is physically exhausted and needs practical supports, or she feels unloved and needs to be reminded how much the guy loves her. All that stuff guys do at the start of a relationship are still wanted after marriage. Men forget to bring flowers, write romantic notes, take her out to special places etc after marriage. Then they wonder why she doesn’t feel inclined anymore. If a guy leaves a marriage and finds someone else, he suddenly starts doing all those special things to the new woman. Of course the new woman is going to be very willing then. A woman needs to feel connected to the man by the heart, before she wants to share her body.
I’m 36 years old, my wife is 34. I’m not in a “loveless marriage” by definition but I would be if it wasn’t for me going berserk mode every few weeks. We have three kids and run our own business. I have a high sex drive, she does not. It’s normal for her not approach me for sex for weeks, not sure how longer she would go because I start getting irritated. The excuses are pathetic. I dated a lot when I was young and rarely had any issue pertaining to sex with the majority of them. She is a stubborn spiteful woman, just like her mother, and her grandmother. I do love my wife, but I really wish I would have taken the advice about choosing your wife based off her mother. My in laws have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for years now and and fight like cats and dogs in the 60s. 😔. I get depressed sometimes thinking my life might turn out like theirs. I’m not a drinker and my wife is, I don’t know I guess I’m just sitting here again at 11pm alone with my bills paid, clean house, kids in bed, wondering if my wife will take any of the earlier advances I made on her to heart? I think not. If I didn’t have the experience before hand my confidence would be ground to dust at this point. A few of my wives friends are very flirty with me and I makes me feel so good to have that type of attention. Even if it is just playful banter. I wish we felt that way about each other still. I feel like I spend more time planning how to have sex now that I have been married for 10 years, verse when I was completely single and had zero responsibilities.
Nearly everything you have said relates to our marriage apart from the having an affair part. I’ve felt everything you have said. We have gown apart, she lets me hug her once in a while but yes we are like flat mates. I moved out of the bedroom many years ago because i couldn’t deal with the stress. We saw a counselor where she told me I always thought of sex and always at the wrong time so I did the wrong thing and told her that she could be the one to make the first move and that sealed my fate. I haven’t left her because we have had 3 kids together and the way I see it I vowed to look after her “in sickness and in health til death do us part.” It has been a hard and lonely 20 years. Like I said we have drifted apart. We don’t even sit in the same room or eat together. Flatmates. She is now seriously ill and now my job is now carer. I know it’s wrong but I often think about how long I’ve got of this and if I’ll have enough time meet someone who wants to be with me as a partner and not a flatmate.
Almost 16 years of marriage, and I think the MOST we’ve had sex was 10 times in a year. When she EVENTUALLY decided to be honest with me, she expressed that she had second thoughts on marrying me… To me that gave reason the make excuses every time something bothered her. I’m sure she’d say, “See… I knew I shouldn’t have married him”. If your spouse abruptly stops loving you the same right after marriage, RUN! Especially if you two had an understanding that, you two would be the same even after marriage. RUN! Please! I live a torturous life. I’m tearing up as I write this. There’s so many variables and situations… too many to talk about here. But I should have left in year one! Here I sit ANGRY, only having our daughter to make me smile. And she’s not a product of natural creation either, which is so ironic. The most hurtful part is, I still love my wife, which I think makes the pain so great. I want to hate her, but I can’t… Oh well. Time to cover up the pain, and die slowly. Literally.
As a man who loved and still loves a woman who told me that she doesn’t didn’t get much out of sex, even though I never cheated on her or struck her or threatened her. Even as I did then or do now, I went through all the emotions Gail said. When she said that she didn’t love me anymore, it broke my heart and I never recovered from it. I should have ran away from her!
The depression and uselessness feeling is the worst part. I dont think my wife even realizes it. There is no meanness or vindictiveness. She just kinda has forgotten I am here for anything other than being a chauffeur, a dad to the kid, and someone who can lift stuff that is heavy and makes sure the door is locked at night. No money problems, health is good, mid 40s. Sleep in separate rooms because I snore. Only chance of any intimacy at all is a weekend morning. Anytime after about 11am and she is too tired. Monday – Friday are work days and totally out. If the kid has a tournament on the weekend…….then that weekend is out. If the television comes on at any point before 11am on a sat or sun……….that day is completely out. Forgotten birthdays sad, forgotten fathers day………..soul crushing. We dont fight, argue, resent one another (except the fathers day thing) and Im not talking about no sex. I mean just a big surprise hug from behind while cooking or just for no reason at all would do wonders toward feeling wanted at least a little. Ive never felt depression before and maybe its just gotten worse as time passes, but thinking my vows are worth dying for and knowing having to make deals to get the one I love to not forget about me would just make a deal for intimacy not worth it anyway, and this makes the depression just ouch. Ive gone from thinking about my life insurance policy every now and then, which ends in a little more than a year, to now I think about it a few times a week.