Marriage is not supposed to be hard, but it can be a challenging and rewarding experience. It requires time and energy to nurture the relationship, understand and support each other, and work through conflicts that arise. However, the rewards of a strong and lasting partnership are immeasurable.
Marriage is a beautiful union between two people, but it comes with its challenges. Many Catholics believe that marriage is supposed to be hard work, as it requires both parties to put in the time and energy to nurture their relationship, understand and support each other, and work through the inevitable conflicts that arise.
Some signs that your marriage cannot be saved include compromising who you are, constantly head-to-head communication, and not having real help sooner. Loving sex is an expression of love, and marriage is a crucible designed to help you grow. Being engaged and married should not be this hard, as the relationship should be ready for marriage, not getting progressively worse.
The first year of married life is often tricky, even if you’ve been together for multiple years. Some main reasons for the first year are that the ring should be able to slide over your knuckles easily, and being proactive in learning how to be a loving, kind, and attentive partner is essential.
Ultimately, whether or not marriage and relationships are difficult depends on the individual couple and their particular situation. Marriage is meant to be both a lovely and beautiful experience, but it can also be extremely tough and challenging.
📹 Marriage is tough. Guess what, it’s supposed to be
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but it is easy to become resentful. I think it’s important to talk about all aspects of marriage, …
What is the happiest year of marriage?
The movie industry and your great aunt Janet say that the first year of marriage is the best. And the seven-year itch is real. A new study says couples reach their happiest around the 20-year mark. Researchers from Pennsylvania State and Brigham Young universities examined data from another study about over 2,000 couples. They found that although satisfaction declines in the first 20 years, it then increases. People who make it to 20 years of marriage feel as happy as when they got married. Wow. Although many people divorce, most marriages last a lifetime. Most of these marriages are happy, with high levels of happiness and interaction, and low levels of discord.
Is it normal to regret getting married?
In a survey of 4,000 British married couples, over half said they have regretted their marriage. That doesn’t inspire hope for a girl who wants to settle down. I wondered what people regret most about getting married. When I was little, I thought I’d meet my husband and get married. I didn’t plan my wedding every minute of every day. I figured that’s what happens when a girl falls in love. She becomes a wife.
What is the hardest year of marriage?
Divorce lawyers, psychologists, and researchers have rated the risk of divorce based on how long couples have been married. Low risk.
Home People also ask: What are the hardest years of marriage?
Years 1–2: Very risky; Years 3–4: Mild risk; Years 5–8: Very risky; Years 9–15: Low risk; Years 15 and over: Low to Mild Risk; in 2019, 2,015,603 marriages happened and 746,971 divorces were granted in America. That means about a 37% divorce rate. The average American marriage lasts about eight years.
Why do most marriages not last?
Infidelity, arguing, infertility, and lack of commitment are some of the top reasons for divorce. Divorce is usually caused by more than one thing. Most divorce reasons can be prevented if both partners love each other and are willing to work through their differences.
Why do marriages fail so quickly?
Lack of commitment, money problems, and infidelity cause many divorces. But your age and culture can change it all. To stay together, couples need to communicate, be intimate, and show empathy. The main reasons for divorce change over time and vary by country. This is often because of cultural beliefs and practices.
In Denmark, a 2019 study found that the top reasons for divorce in that nation included:
Lack of love and intimacy; communication problems; lack of sympathy, trust, and respect; growing apart because of different interests and activities.
Is marriage supposed to be really hard?
Marriage and relationships are complicated because people don’t communicate well. Relationships can be hard because they’re unpredictable. But marriage and relationships can also be great. Marriage and relationships are difficult for some couples, but not for others.
Finally, different personalities can cause marriage or relationship failure. If two people argue a lot or have different interests, it can be hard for them to stay together. Couples should be compatible before getting married or starting a long-term relationship. If you’re having trouble in your marriage or relationship, get help from a professional. Marriage and family counselors can help couples.
At what year do most couples divorce?
Most divorces happen between years three and seven of marriage. Just 4% of couples divorce after 10 years. In 2021, 689,308 divorces occurred. Half of all first marriages end in divorce, and subsequent marriages fail at higher rates. When a couple divorces, they must state why in court. This is the reason for ending the marriage and dictates the type of divorce. Most people choose a no-fault divorce because they can’t get along. Incompatibility is a common reason for divorce. 31% of couples who divorced said this was the reason.
How stressful is getting married?
Marriage is exciting but stressful. Wedding planning takes a lot of time, energy, and money. There are so many decisions to make. The pressure to have everything perfect doesn’t help. Everyone’s opinions and expectations make it stressful. This article looks at why weddings are stressful, what you might feel, and ways to cope.
Causes of Wedding Stress. Wedding planning can be stressful.
Why is year 7 the hardest in marriage?
Couples in the honeymoon phase (two and a half years after getting married) are very happy in their marriages. This happiness either declines or stays the same as time goes on. By the seven-year mark, partners are past the honeymoon phase and may have issues. With more time, couples may have trouble communicating, listening, or understanding each other. They may also have unrealistic expectations of each other. “These issues can be made worse by the pressures of raising kids, money, and other problems, including differences in values and beliefs.”
Seven-year itch symptoms. If you’re unhappy in your marriage, it’s important to understand why. What makes someone feel dissatisfied or unfulfilled? Dr. Borland says these feelings and behaviors may include:
Why is being married so difficult?
10. Communication problems. Marriage can cause communication problems. Marriage is a big responsibility. It is possible to feel overwhelmed with too many tasks, problems, and things to consider. When things get too much, couples start keeping their emotions and thoughts to themselves. They stay quiet. They stop talking to their partner. Not talking is worse than arguing in marriage. This is not healthy, but it lets partners vent their frustrations. When they stop talking, things get worse. It’s harder to make decisions together, like budgeting, work, parenting, etc. If you stop talking, you also stop being affectionate. If you don’t fix this problem, you might end up apart even if you still love each other.
Is it normal to feel depressed before getting married?
Post-wedding blues are common. After all the planning, your wedding day is the happiest day of your life. Not everyone feels that way (including me). Pre-wedding blues are more common than you think. Weddings can be stressful. Planning a wedding doesn’t always make you happy. It can feel lonely. Take care of your mental health during wedding planning.
My Story: Does it sound familiar? I love weddings and work in the industry. You’d think I’d be excited when I got married. Wrong! As soon as my husband proposed, I went from happy to stressed. After six years, our engagement was long-awaited. Our families were happy to hear we were finally getting married. We booked a date 18 months in advance and started planning. Friends and family wanted to be in the wedding. Some guests made it about them. “I won’t sit next to so-and-so,” “I won’t wear that,” “I won’t come if she’s invited,” and so on. People kept asking about the wedding. I realized I didn’t know much about anyone’s life over the last 18 months. Every activity I did over the 18 months was wedding-related.
📹 Is Marriage Supposed To Be Hard – Must Watch
Y’all don’t judge me but I’m on my third marriage. Didn’t want to be but here I am. After second one I stayed single for 15yrs until I met an Alaskan man. He changed my life for the good. He would just “do”. It freaked me out. Once I told him I wasn’t used to someone helping me he looked at me funny and said “when I married you I married your kids, this house, our finances, everything. It’s a package deal” Wow, was that an eye opener. Been married 12yrs in October and while we aren’t perfect, we are good.
I’m currently in the process of separating with the father of my almost 9 months daughter because, even though I’ve tried to express clearly that I needed help, he didn’t do anything to fix it… I’m self-employed and work from home and due to the way I pay myself, I wasn’t entitled to receive any maternity benefits… So, I was working the day after being released from the hospital with my daughter (and after a C-section). I asked and I asked. I literally begged. Nothing happened… He always had an excuse not to be home helping me. So I had to love me and my daughter enough to end this relationship.
I too, became resentful over the years until I came undone one day. He stood there bewildered. After a few minutes of silence he looked at me and asked if I could read his mind. I nearly lost it….again! Are you kidding me?! No! He then asked me how I expected him to read my mind? That was a game changer. He was so used to me doing everything in the home, never saying a word about how overwhelmed I felt, and yet I expected him to realize those feelings. Marriage is hard, it is ever changing. We are not the same people we were the day we took our vows. As years go by our feelings and perceptions of things change, but one thing that should remain constant is communication. After I explained how I was feeling he started helping out more. How much stress, aggravation, anger, and loss of peace could have been avoided by simply sitting down and having a conversation. Thank you for addressing this topic.
Wish my husband had communicated with me. Nearly 4 years separated now because (out of no where) he left me for someone else, claiming he was unhappy. I NEVER KNEW! I was happy and felt he was also. I beat myself up over it every day, wishing I knew how he really felt but he never told me. I wanted so much to make it work but he didn’t. I am forever shattered now but doing my best to keep myself together for the sake of our son. I am SO happy for those that DO realize marriage is work and you HAVE to communicate! I wish we had figured that out sooner. 💔😥
Great article… In all honesty, it’s something no one tells you before marriage… that it’s work and not a Disney ending. Not work in the sense of you have to work at being in love (that should be natural)… but that it’s work to maintain a relationship & household. Cleaning, errands, bill paying, etc. (even before you add any spawn into the mix, which just makes it more busy) Communication is key… when you’re frustrated AND when you’re happy. (Also… both people doing and sharing responsibility for all the things that need doing, not bitching about the way your SO does the things that need doing, picking up slack when your SO isn’t feeling well, & maybe most importantly.. a simple hug & thank you. My wife and I went to a counselor for a tune up, years ago… his piece of advice I remember the best was that it was the couples who let resentment build up whose marriages fail. He straight up said: “Look, people who wait 20 years and let their resentment build up… I can’t fix that, no one can”
Our early years were hard. I had to sit down with my husband many times to say that we are both adults, we both work here, we both eat, we both use stuff, we both HAVE to work on stuff around the house. He admitted that he doesn’t walk in and notice the trash is full or there are dishes in the sink like I do. So we came up with things he would take care of a regular basis to create habits for him, like trash on Tuesdays and Saturdays, laundry on Sundays (while he watches football all day) and dishes every night. After 10 years of this he can now clean the whole house on his own if he needed to. We joke that I trained him, but really, he just came to realize I am not his mother, who did everything.
3:04 AMEN!!!! My husband and I have twins and an older child (all under 8), plus we are the only caregivers to my sick mom. We don’t have any family helping us. If he and I didn’t work together as a team we would never make it. We both work full time in careers that we are passionate about. We have to be a team, we don’t have a choice. We’ve been together for over 2 decades – we were high school sweethearts. We feel blessed to have each other to lean on. Not that we are perfect, fact is I lost it this morning, but we both hold each other up. He helped me over the weekend when the stress and worry became to much. The only way to make it is to be a team.
One of the most important things that stuck with me from high school was my psychology teacher one day talking about his marriage and telling us that no matter how fairy tale your relationship starts out, at some point down the road you’re not going to be able to stand them sometimes. You may still love them but the face of love changes as kids come and decades pass. My husband and I have been together 15yrs and I was always thankful for that knowledge going into my marriage. (Not saying there aren’t bad and abusive marriages out there that do need to end, of course)
23 years here… we spent the 1st 15 of ME being the primary earner and he being Mr. Mom. Noe, our roles have switched since I got Ill and he works. I resent my husband A LOT. LOL. I miss going to work, being around people and sh*t🤣🤣. But, I am soooooo friggin THANKFUL that we BOTH have been able to spend good quality time with our kids!! They have grown up so much better for it!! Dont get me wrong.. we had TOUGH times. VERY tough times….. but, I wouldn’t change a thing:)
I think it’s also really important to pick the right partner. I hear so many of my friends tell me stories like this and all I keep thinking is, “they showed you their true colors while you were dating, if this isn’t what you wanted then why did you marry them?” So many people focus on trying to change their partner, but if you just take time to really get to know them you won’t have these problems. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years and we don’t have problems like this because I watched him carefully while dating. Observed all his habits while he was in different scenarios, talked endlessly about what we both wanted out of life, and spoke with his friends and families and got endless stories about who he was verses what he showed the world. I had rushed relationships before and started having these problems she is talking about. But with my husband I took my time and we never have issues like this. Idk, just my two cents.
Your spot on! When you talk about your husband needing you to ask, My husband is on board to help but he needs to be asked and once we figured that out I also figured its a two way street and he needs to ask for what he wants. Choosing to spend your life with someone no matter how much love you have for them is not always a day at the beach! I hate the word “work”; A good part of our day is work and maybe it’s just me, but when I hear the word “work” I think of painfull tasks. At the end of the day be married to my husband is not a painfull task, it’s probably just me, we have to come up with a better word! All the best.
We’re going through this right now.. it’s been so stinking hard! I’ve communicated how I feel in numerous ways.. he changes for a few days then back to the same ole. I’m exhausted. He’s been in bed for hours and I’m still up finishing getting things ready for tomorrow. I feel like I’m on a raft floating in the ocean and I float farther away each day he ignores my feelings.
I do all the cleaning, cooking, shopping etc in the house because my husband is the provider financially. I don’t mind doing my part. It what works for us but I will agree, communication is everything! 10 years into marriage we bought and read a marriage book together that gave us so much insight and nipped the petty arguments. Us women honestly have to tell our guys what we want and visa versa. We’re now married for 19 years and these past 9 years I don’t ever think my husband will figure out what I want on his own, it’s OK he also knows it lol. It is definitely work living with anyone! 😉
I just sent your article link to my dearest husband. Here’s my list: I homeschool 4 different children on 4 different levels of education. Keep house clean. We have a horse, 1 dog, 2 cats. Yard work. Grocery shopping. That is not everything listed nor the details of each. My husband and I just came to a point in our lives last night about why certain things were not done. Technically I have been telling him that I need help for a long time. Last night was the tip of the iceberg. I get burnt out so fast when things get like this. Its all I can do some times to just school these beautiful people. That is why I just stay home from church sometimes. I just need non stressful, quiet days to regroup for the next challenge. Hopefully, bc of your honest article, things are changing for the better. Thank you!
I’m 27 and ive been married for 8 years and I’ve been feeling really frustrated that i have to do everything and both of us work full time jobs. I was told thats just how it is that the wife does everything and to suck it up. I have never been given this kind of advice. I’ve had to just figure it out on my own and “suck it up”. Thank you for this I’m so glad i follow you because you are the wife and mom i aspire to be. Im going to have this conversation with my husband and hopefully things will change. We have a wonderful marriage and love each other endlessly but its definitely hard alot of the times when i have to do EVERYTHING. Thank you.
I cannot agree with you more. I’m very blessed to have a husband that helps me a ton at home. He even does the laundry on the weekend while I’m at work and puts them away. I had to talk to him about it and tell him, I can not do everything and he agreed. It took him a minute or two lol but he got it. thank you for sharing talking to your spout is so important. I to had a lot of resentment but we’re working through it helping each other. It takes a team😊
Absolutely loved this! My husband and I celebrate 2 anniversaries, the one when we started dating and then one when we got married, and next month will be 14 years we have been together and next March will be 12 years if marriage, and I can say 100% that your advice is golden! No one is a mind reader, communication is so SO important! Don’t just settle for living with repressed resentment, talk things through and work together, especially when you have kids (we have 3 girls all 2 years apart 11, 13, and 15) and if u don’t work together then the kids take over lol
I appreciate this so much! I am going on 8 years 2 kids who are 6 and 7! I work from home, he works off shore 2 weeks on 2 weeks off! I was doing everything! I MEAN EVERYTHING All the time. Asking him to do 1 task I had to wait 3 months!😳 you want to talk about resentment! I was bitter for a long while! Then instead of bitching about it. I sat him down and expressed my feelings. Communication is key! He is way better now! Does he offer to do more or go above and beyond……🤷🤣 but he is putting a true effort into helping out! That’s enough for me!
Celebrating 21 years married (26 together) next month. Some days, marriage is simple and wonderful. Other days, it’s hard work and a matter of making the conscious choice to make it work! My husband will pitch in if I ask him and occasionally without being asked. We both work I handle the vast majority of kid stuff. And I’m the mental mastermind behind the scenes. I know when the cars need oil changes and what vaccines the kids need when and when to order heartworm pills for the dog and when to change the cat litter and when we need to figure out the kid-droppoff-pickup logistics. That’s mentally exhausting but I think it usually falls on one person (i.e. mom) to handle the brainwork and keeping track.
My husband and I just had our 7th anniversary two days ago. When I met him his son was 8yrs old. From what I know (from family & him & the ex) he did most of the work (house,cooking,cleaning whenever he could while working as a carpenter. So part of the reason I fell for him was how he was as a dad & the close bond he had with his son. We work together financially & at the home (I’m down a lot with a stomach issue). We’ve talked about kids. I’m just glad he knows and wants to be present. I commend you for your progress & wish you more happiness throughout the years.😊
Thank you for putting out this article. I think a lot of us are in the same position especially stay at home moms. I took a break from working while my kids were young. I nearly killed myself trying to do everything by myself 24 hours a day. I had the freak out moment too and my husband responded the same way as your husband. I am glad to report that the “freak out” worked,but I probably should brought it up earlier.
“I love him but I don’t always like him.” That’s the part that hit me like a ton of bricks. Close to my mid 20s and here I thought I was ready to jump into a marriage seeing all my school mates tie the knot early. My communication has and still stucks because I dread conflict. Reading he books, No More Mr Nice Guy and When We Were on Fire, has helped me understand the importance of speaking up when my needs are not met. You speaking on your spouse not bothering with things struck a whiff of anxiety in me because I too would’ve blown up just like you staying silent for years on it if put in the same situation. ISFJ here
Exactly! You eat food at our table? You can do the dishes once in a while. This is where you lay your head at night? You can make the bed or do a load of laundry. You had fun helping make these little people, you help give them a bath or put them to bed. Your partner is only as good as their example growing up. My husband always complains about how his dad never wanted to spend any time with them at the end of the day and how he never helped out. If you didn’t like him being that absent with you and your mom, then don’t do it with me and your kids. We both came from very traditional patriarchal and farming households. I didn’t wait for 10 years of resentment to build. I tried to keep it in, but I couldn’t. I saw what it did to both of our mothers. Nope. Nope. Nope. The hurdle we’re trying to overcome now is that he still hasn’t kicked the habit of making excuses before he even tries. I’m like “Dude, don’t whine before you try.”
I’ve talked, and talked, and talked and argued with my husband but eight years later I still do everything. If I work beyond school hours I have to find daycare because he won’t help out. I’m lucky if I can get him to take the garbage out once a year. I agree with you 100%, but it also depends on the partner you have.
The timing of perusal this was surreal…..my dear, sweet husband retired May 1 of this year. I literally had a melt down last night while I was cleaning up dinner, in over 30 years….I have never ever been responsible for preparing breakfast, lunch and dinner after only a few months I am ready to run away and hide!! I make very hearty meals but within an hour my husband is “snacking”…..when we were both working, I would cook dinners but “For The Love”….it’s all consuming thinking of what to prepare, pareparing it, eating it and cleaning up!!! I may have to become “unretired” very soon!!!
I love love love this article. I have been with my partner for 8 years. Married 2 of those years and a parent for 2 of them. One of the big things we did from the get go was communicated about anything and everything. And we have always had 2 blankets . I am a full time working bread winner and my husband is full time stay at home dad. And it works for us. I bring home the money, he takes care of the kids and some basic cleaning and the meals during the week. Then I take care of all laundry and deep cleaning and take on the main care of the kid after I get off work and during the weekend so my husband gets some rest and time to himself. This has worked wonderful for us. We switch things up as needed but we just communicate. No marriage is perfect and being parents just raises the stakes and we all have those days where you just want to find a closet to cry in.
Praise God, I love this. I’ve been married for 15 years and we’ve learned that communication is key and I refuse to let resentment take a hold…I will talk to him and draw him out, even if it’s hard and uncomfortable. Marriage is like a garden, you do a little weeding everyday so it doesn’t become an overgrown mess of deep weeds that have to be pulled out by a metal spade.
I agree 100%. You have to tell them and sometimes showing them helps. I also let it build. Plus I had my Mother in Law with us, so I had to retrain her because she was old fashioned. Once I sat them down and explained what was going on it got so much better for all of us. I am happily married 52 yrs. I also got married at 16 and my Husband was 18 and a senior in High School.
My first marriage I handled the 3 kids, house and billing, ordering for our business. I loved it. He made a lot of money and I was so grateful I didn’t have to work too. We traveled a lot. Had new cars, nice house with in ground pool. And he was a narcissist and every thing had to be perfect and I made sure it was. I lasted 17 years. Remarried now, children grown. I tell my husband he needs to do his part and he does. I have to work now which I hate. But I like to travel So to work I go.
One of the best bits of advice I could ever give would be to have this conversation BEFORE you get married or move in with someone! I didn’t and it was a flipping RUDE awakening on both our ends. If you love him, TALK to him. Talk about who is going to work and who is going to stay home, talk about what that is going to look like in your family! Talk about what equal distribution of the work looks like now, talk about what it will look like when you have kids if you decide to, talk about what you both feel is fair as far as parenting and child care and work and household chores go. Be aware that while it may sound fair before you live it, you doing ALL the housewife stuff and all the school stuff and most of the parenting will leave you burned out and angry in a very short amount of time. Protect your marriage by having this talk before you get married! If you hear his side of this talk and hate it? Don’t assume it will change. It won’t! Do. NOT. Marry this person. Find someone else you are more compatible with. It is not fair for him to expect to go to work and maybe mess around with mowing the lawn and you do EVERYTHING else. That isn’t equal distribution of the work. Maybe he hates fooling with the lawn and you hate laundry, then swap it! If you cannot have this conversation with the person you are supposed to be spending your life with, that is a huge red flag. For BOTH of you. It may feel strange at first to have this type of conversation but that is what being married IS!
Amen sister. This is definitely a modern day marital issue that needs to be addressed. With all the technological distractions we have, combined with men who are regressing to a childlike state and having their wives ‘do it all’, it makes our lives busier than needed. Men need this issue put before them in an open and calm conversation . If we fly off the handle then we are deemed the ‘crazy’ mother/wife. We have every right to lol, but it doesn’t make the situation any better. Team work is the key. Work hard for each other and play harder! Give and take with flexibility so everyone involved is content!
My husband and I’s one year anniversary was yesterday, and we still have so much to learn. But recently we have been big on communication and compromise and it’s been SO good for us! For the entire first year, other than the last two weeks, I would also ask for his opinion on things but he never actually gave me his honest opinion. So we would do what I wanted, because I actually expressed my desire and he didn’t. I saw that as him not caring, and he saw it as me not caring about his opinion because we were gonna do what I wanted to do anyways. Believe it or not, always getting what you want, or think you want, in marriage is actually kind of miserable. I hated knowing my husband wasn’t getting to do what he wanted, but he never spoke up until afterwards when we had already done what I wanted. It took me literally breaking down crying in BuyBuyBaby (did I mention I am pregnant? 🤰🏻) in front of several people for us to actually work through both of our frustrations. Those rocking chairs in the fake nursery’s should be used for couples counseling, because since that day we BOTH have been feeling heard, listened to, and like our opinions matter. The point is, sometimes we can think we are being communicative, but we aren’t actually communicating in an effective way. Sometimes we have to find new ways to address old topics for them to finally be resolved.
You are so right. Been married 39 years. It’s work and you have to communicate. People don’t read minds and if a father never stayed alone in charge of the kids and house for more than a day, they don’t know how much work it is. If both parents are working outside the home then they need to share the work inside the house.
Maybe I need to start leaving town when my husband is home so he can realize there HAS to be a schedule maintained and you CAN’T flip out at the kids all the time and expect to make it through. People know what they DON’T want, we complain all the time, but what we have to realize is what we DO want, instead of the complaints. When we can realize what we DO want and learn to ask for it or negotiate it, then you really can get somewhere.
Exactly! You have to tell your spouse what you need from them. I’m remarried and from the beginning of this relationship I made sure to say how I was feeling and what I needed from him. My husband has no clue how to cook, he can barely make Mac and cheese. I told him this weekend he’s making something from scratch. I may not always be around and these are things he needs to know how to do. Men are clueless sometimes.
Ahh, kids are work, marriage is work and – here is the next one – ELDERCARE is soul crushing work. Both my parents have Alzheimer’s and one of his. After that, spousal care will be the next big hill to climb. Ladies, you aren’t free after your 20’s no matter what the commercials say -not until childcare and ELDERCARE are subsidized. That’s the hard truth.
I realized, thankfully before I got married…. We have to stop getting mad abt an expectation the other isn’t meeting when they don’t know. 🤷 It’s helped us not fight. We have tiffs but we’ve never had a “fight”. In that regard, I’m blessed. If we disagree, we disagree. Lol. His does have TBI from our deployment so he forgets alot or doesn’t “get” certain things at times. I can either spend my marriage mad or find work arounds. I choose my husband. ❤
Excellent advice. A good marriage takes effort and honest communication. I had to apologize for the years that I took advantage of her willingness to do nearly all of the housework. Unfortunately, it was during the years the kids were little and there was a HUGE amount of work that would’ve best been tackled by a team effort. I was a little slow to pickup on that, but fortunately she endured and now we’re working as a team. We were married young so next March we will be celebrating 46 yrs of marriage. The empty nest has been a blessing and now it is nice to occasionally fill it with grandchildren.
I am just glad it has work out for you communicating your feelings and it’s have change like you just indicated…. thanks God…. I am married for 24 years and in sept 23-2020 will be 25 years my wife doesn’t believe in been a partner helping out…. she even stopped going to school after we met… I have cover the rent when first started and covered the mortgage until now, she hasn’t ever pay rent or help out on the mortgage… I really could live with all does this that she doesn’t help but I cannot stand her not having my back in anything and when say anything I mean anything…. if people treat me wrong or bad she would give excuses for them instead standing by my side, she has done this thru the years…. You may ask..why you still with her???? Well I grow up without my parents ever been there and I don’t want my kids to go through that so I am hanging there for the kids.. I am 50 years old my last one she doesn’t graduate college until four more years from..God willing…. but I am dying inside of me…. I am in a time where I feel that I am going crazy trying to hold for the kids … through out our marriage I have paid over 15 credit cards that my wife have over loaded for more than $10,000 each only one was $3,700 and she has taking over $28,000 out of our bank account when we had a joint account….. I believe in God with all my strength and my heart and I don’t wanna get divorce but this woman is killing me from inside little by little…. I feel like only natural death will save me from this woman.
Year 12… thinking of leaving him. 4 kids (5 including him). On paper hes great. Yet I feel utterly unsupported, exhausted to a point my body is failing me, and completely alone. I never thought I’d think this way about him or marriage but even with communication, it’s not working. You can only try for so long.
Yes. Guys are THAT dumb. Unless you spell it out to them in very basic language….they are THAT oblivious! I mean, it’s like, ” are you that selfish, self absorbed and inconsiderate that you can’t see I’m overwhelmed & stressed?” I went to a consuler when I was a teen once, and she said” you should ask your mom what you could do for her to help her.” Wow! What an apifany! This taught me to think about her, not just me,me,me! I asked her and she said” I really like this lady! “(consuler)I had my license & a car & mom would ask her what she needed me to do- she wanted me to go buy groceries or do laundry or some yard work. Fixing dinner once or twice a week helps her, too, or picking up take-out! Help each other; love is a verb. It requires work & action. ❤❤❤❤
I’m crying because it’s tough not to including things that you deal with outside of marriage. I can relate to this resentment but I’m trying to change my husband does not cook nor clean only once in a blue blue moon I am literally trying to find a new way new approach much as I get upset I can’t leave it’s to easy
I was super resentful to my husband and all the stress built up so badly for me with working my retail sales job, taking care of our two sons. My husband would never lift a finger, even after raising awareness to him all i hear is, I worked all day, I’ll clean on my day off ‘ 😑😑😑😑😑 we’re divorced now! And my current boyfriend is the biggest communicator ever!
Sometimes I think it takes 10 years of marriage for people to learn how to ask for help and the other to learn how to recognize when help is needed… If more people made it past these humps they’d grow so much… Marriage is hard, but when my husband and I get through the hard stuff we are in such a wonderful place… It’s hard and hurts in the midst, but it’s worth it.
My dad cooks for himself half his food, irons his clothes, shines his shoes, takes out the garbage, walks the dog, and launders his clothes, besides maintaining good hygiene. My husband is getting better at helping out, but is just learning to make his own tea, chop wood for me, irons sometimes and helps keep the kids busy when asked. It’s a struggle comparing the two, especially when I have to smell him…he only showers every three to four days. Any advice?
Im three months pregnant and im physically so sick and i asked my husband for help walking the dog and to clean the dust on the fan and ceiling. He also takes care of the car. I didnt think pregnancy would be this hard on our body. But my husband is helping. I just asked because im physically incapcitated… and he stepped up. We also both took care of dying parents so we get what is needed 🙂
I’m 28 and have been with my husband for 10 years and we have been hitting this rough patch and I’m going through exactly the same thing he never helps and even when I do he doesn’t and shits all over it but you made me feel better because men are simple creatures and they need a nudge to get wat we want sometimes but man I sure want to smack him sometimes also we have two girls 8 and 3
So so true! I’ll be married 2 years October 14 and I have learned quickly that if I don’t ask my husband for help or to do something specific, he will sit on his butt and play a game or watch tv and let me do all the work. I also think he doesn’t understand how stressful it is for me. We only have 1 kid (a 1 year old) and I stay at home, but I need a break from our son and time to myself too. I’m not the best at asking for help, but we are working on communicating our needs better.
Ive communicated to my husband that i need help and he still doesnt help… but hes the sole provider of the household and the only one that works, so i am grateful for that. And i can tell hes stressed a lot and hes probably resentful of me because im unable to help with that part rn (personal reasons,so please dont be rude and call me lazy for not working) and its a lot of weight on his shoulders, but i still get mad at times when he asks for a message but never wants to give me one lol. Im like um hello my muscles are sore too from housework! 😂
I WOULD NEVER be in a marriage/relationship if he didn’t work as hard as me. It’s not 1800-1900 where all woman stay home and take care of 100% everything. Or work outside home plus do everything. Nope my hubby works 2 jobs, cooks all meals & does dishes & lawn. I do dishes to and house, laundry and I’ll help with anything.
What drove me crazy was anytime I needed to run errands, ie: grocery shopping, dry cleaners, post office, etc. and I’d tell my husband I’m going to go run errands, (we had 3 kid’s togethe) my now EX husband, would say, ” I’m not babysitting ” UGH I’d say, ” no you’re not babysitting, you’re perusal over and taking care of YOUR, our kid’s. Don’t hurt yourself over it, I will be back eventually ” WTF?!!
I can’t believe it took you 10 years! I’ve been married 30+ years and I hate it when people think we have a perfect marriage & he’s a great husband. Like you said, it takes work & communication. Your husband cannot and will never read your mind. Marriage counseling is helpful too. We both went in thinking the other was the problem. Guess what, we both were the problem!!
You are absolutely right. I’ve been married 34 years. Marriage isn’t 50/50. It’s 100/100. Both people have to put in 100% effort. I’ve known couples where the husband thinks that his only job is to bring home a paycheck. After that, the wife/mother has to do the rest. I don’t understand that mindset.
I do most of everything but he has so chores just like my kids so every night he sweeps the floor in the kitchen and help me get kids to bed and if he doesn’t have any fixing that need to be done Saturday is mommy day I get kids outside with him and I get nap or extra stuff around the house done that day so fare that has help us out a AAA LOT
Exactly it is extremely hard work and if you stop putting the work in, the marriage starts to fall apart it takes two people to make it work . Parenting can’t be the good parent and the bad, you have to back each other up where kids are concerned. Man marriage and kids are the absolute hardest job I’ve ever had, and if you think parenting is not a job then A either you don’t have any B you have a nanny or C you are one of those people that should not have had kids because you aren’t doing the job of being a parent.
Amen sister! Men really do not understand that we just need help. for some reason men have not yet left the old fashion thought that women belong in the kitchen behind. in this modern day many women have to work outside of the home as well! My husband used to think that he works, I cook and clean. That was great until we had kids and I got sick and tired of perusal him plop down in his chair with a beer while I’m cleaning dishes, bouncing a baby on my hip and haven’t eaten yet! So, we had a little talk. Now when I am at work he does litttle things to make my life easier. It’s all about communication.
👏👏👏👏 ( sometimes you just have to get it out!!) 18 years here and counting…..god willing. My home life is a Zoo. Neither me or my husband are saints or good housekeepers, LOL. There is No magic pills or secret answers. It’s kinda of like the military saying ….The toughest job you will ever love. And YES… I have days that make me want to run away. But if you need or want something to Change, you have to be the one to make it happen.
My husband & I agreed on using post its. I write down what needs doing & he doesn’t forget. He actually prefers it b/c he absolutely does NOT know how to jump in & help. 18yrs. Still writing post its. You should see our home.. I’ve been dubbed the post it note queen b/c all the kids have them now too. 🤪
Washing clothes has got to be one of the toughest jobs ever! First you have to collect all the clothes in a basket and carry it to the washing machine. This could take up to ten minutes. OMG, I’m exhausted! Then you got to dump them in the machine, add soap, push a button. Don’t know if I can take it! Now it’s to the couch for some Bon-bons and soap opera on the telly. Later on, what in the hell is that noise? It’s that damn washer making a buzz noise. Now have to get up and load dryer, push another button! Oh! The horror! Lucky, not much ironing to do, permanent press clothes. Now to folding and more telly/soap opera. And put away clothes, another disastrous ten minutes! Now to wash the dishes —-
Honesty and communication are key BUT if marriage feels like work every day or even half the time, you are married to the wrong person. My first marriage felt like work and it was. 14 years down the drain. Going into 20 years on my second marriage, have had a few tiffs but no real fights, never raised voices, everything is so smooth. Feels like perpetual vacation with my best friend. So marriage should feel like teamwork not work. I’ve seen both sides and it is a world of difference.
I have asked for help countless times. His response “Well I guess I’ll just stop going to work!” and then he throws a huge tantrum. So yeah, I do everything, no breaks, ON 24/7 yet weekends and when he comes home he just sits on the couch napping/watching TV. Yet, he complains constantly that we need an extra stream of income. Every time I try to study real estate, start an online business, he refuses to watch or take care of the young children 🤷♀️. It’s pretty unhealthy imo for both my son and daughter to witness this dynamic. Also, I now have Multiple Sclerosis. Annnnd he still refuses to help. Awesome!!
My husband and I just had this fight last night! Lol. I blow up about house cleaning about….once every 2-3 months. But his mom and grandma never taught them (him and his siblings) how to freaking clean. (They’re both hoarders) so it’s an ongoing issue. Uughhhhhh. He does try though, and for that, I love him.
I have communicated. I have asked for help. I have asked for him to partner up with me. I still get no help. Ever since our daughter was born, I have basically been a single mom, with a husband. I worked a full time job, and did all the parenting, and all the housework, and all the everything. Our child was diagnosed with autism when she was 3, and then I became a single special needs mom, with a husband. I still worked a full time job, did all the parenting, all of the housework, and all of the everything. Our daughter was diagnosed with epilepsy at the age of 4, and then I became a single special needs mom of a medically fragile child, with a husband/roommate (because he moved out of our bedroom, and into his own bedroom, so that I could keep a proper eye on my daughter, because her seizures were nearly all happening when she was either waking up or falling asleep, and they were NEVER small seizures….always grand mal seizures. Believe me…my kid never does ANYTHING small…..lol.). But, anyhoo….he moved out into a different bedroom, so I could keep an eye on her when she slept, and make sure she was still breathing when the morning came, if she had a seizure. I still worked a full time job, did all the parenting, did all the housework, and all the everything….. Fast forward 6 years. My child is now 10. We have moved since then, and I am still a single special needs mom of a medically fragile child, that is now going through puberty (Good times! Mama needs a helmet, and a stiff drink….lol). My husband still has his own room, still does none of the housework, none of the laundry, chores, dishes, cooking, making sure bills get paid on time…….NONE of the PARENTING…..nor does he ever offer to do any of these things. I am no longer working full time. I had to quit my job, because due to the stress and anxiety that comes with all this, and also due to the fact that my child’s needs are becoming more dynamic (and she is getting bigger….some days she is a little harder to calm), I was no longer able to function at my job. I am on anti depressants, anti anxiety meds, and seeing a psychiatrist to address my other issues. The two things my roommate/husband does is work from a computer in his bedroom, and occasionally go pick up our click list pick-up order from the grocery store. Oh, he also eats me out of house and home, and complains when he has no clean clothes or clean towels. He tells me now that I am unemployed, that all that other stuff is my job. News flash, buddy…..it was all my job BEFORE I quit work. If I could go back in time, and be assured that I would still have my daughter, exactly the way she is now (because I would never change anything about her. She is the love of my life <3 ), but somehow I could have done that, WITHOUT having had married my husband......I would totally take that option. Totally.
Wives shouldn’t have to teach husbands to be equals in a relationship. If it’s a regular thing for you to watch someone struggling while you sit on your ass & scratch your balls you’re a selfish child. It isn’t “helping out.” It’s called being a f*cking adult. And sexist af to assume otherwise. My ex said if it didn’t entail a paycheck it wasn’t valuable work – so instead “helping” with half the bills, I started leaving him invoices for half the housework with a check for the balance. I stopped cooking, doing his laundry & running errands for him. He was pissed but I was better rested & less frustrated. Very put out over losing his entitlement to unlimited free labor. He didn’t value my time & efforts because he didn’t value me (or his next two wives, apparently – they dumped his lazy, privileged ass also.) And he wonders why he’s my ex…
Been married 36 years. Lots of built up resentments. My spouse absolutely knows as I have communicated this to him. You can communicate until the cows some home, but, if one spouse has decided he is smarter than you, all hope is lost. When utilities are constantly being turned off, past due, no $ for food but money for alcohol….. Yep, decades of resentment and bitterness.
Don’t judge but I married a most wonderful man; both of our third marriages. We never had a fight…we disagreed about some things but never really had a fight. We had a wonderful marriage. Every Thursday night was “date night” with just us. We would go out to dinner, just the 2 of us. We dated for about 3 years and married for 14 years. He was diagnosed in March 2018 with Glioblastoma (brain cancer) Stage 4. Even with surgery to remove the tumor, chemo and radiation, he lived another 14 months; passing away in May 2019. He was my wonderful knight in shining armour, and spoiled me terribly. He was my caretaker when I had breast cancer in 2009 and it jus made us closer. So I became his caretaker when he was sick. Was caretaking hard…YES!! Changing clothes or an adult diaper on someone that can barely sit up is hard…but you do it because it has to be done. He was running a fever his last couple of nights so all he had on was a sheet and no clothes when he passed. I went and got some clothes for him, combed his hair and even brushed his teeth because I knew he would want some dignity when the funeral home came to pick him up. It was hard but again, I couldn’t live with myself if I hadn’t. I will not marry again because I know I will compare every man to him. I think of him every single day and still cry sometimes but I talk to him and feel he hears me.
Yes, so true 😊💕 I’ve been married for 25 years and we have four teenagers! You can survive, but it’s true about communicating. We walk our neighborhood every night after dinner and just talk without the kids, it’s been very good-and the kids love seeing us have our time. 😊 when they are young there is a lot of physical energy to care for everyone and thing, when they are teens, everyone helps now and it’s tons of “talk time”. The seasons of marriage-tough and rewarding at the same time 💕
I agree completely. I just wish my husband actually listened when I try and communicate things to him. I also wonder sometimes if he has a brain malfunction that keeps him from comprehending things that people tell him. Because he will honestly not comprehend most of the issues that I bring up to him.
I’ve heard that men are more proud than women. It’s not their nature to pitch in unless asked because they’d take it offensively. If they think you can do something on your own they will let you and think that’s supportive. But men also typically love to help when asked, it boosts self esteem to be needed. I’ve been struggling with having to spell everything out for my husband lately. It drains me so much I’d rather do it myself or have it just not get done. But that’s how it is. Women do things that are contradictory and drive men crazy, too.
There is another side too when man believes in sharing work load. My fiance lives alone and do all the household chores and m staying with my family in another city with all the comforts. He always keep taunting me everyday and make my life hell coz he has to do everything alone their whereas I don’t have to. What’s my fault? Whenever I visit him he keeps taunting that m not capable of doing anything, whereas I help him when ever I visit him. May b I am not perfect or upto his mark but I still try. I told him that once we get married he has to give me some time to learn how to manage on our own coz m not used to it but he still keeps insulting me everytime. Coz he is doing everything right now on his own he finds me useless and burden whereas m nowhere dependent on him by any means so how can I be a burden?
You don’t only need help from your husband, your kids should be taking on alot more responsibility too, kids can wash their own dishes, clean their own messes and even fold their own clothes, make it a game, teach them when they’re young and they will love it and you won’t be Soo stressed… like you said no one can do everything all the time, and your right it is a partnership but it’s actually more than that it’s a family, and every single member should be carrying their own weight once they hit 2 yrs old I do love your articles though they are hilarious and sometimes you really do just feel that way
My wife complains about having to do everything, but the kicker with her is that she wants to do it all herself. She wont communicate with me so I don’t know what’s going on. She’s married to her daddy who enables her. Being raised by two parents with 6 divorces it’s no wonder she doesn’t have a clue how to do marriage together.
Okayyyy let me just tell you that all husbands need to be an active participant in the marriage! When hubby and I were married 41 😳 years ago, I had been taught to do everything for hubs. Well as time grew along I realized that I was taken for granted. He was the boss and I wasn’t happy! Little by little I gently forced him to help around the house. I kept it up for years. Now that we are in our 60’s I realize how damaging my early actions were to our marriage. But I was taught to be the perfect wife… Here you go ladies. NEVER start out by doing all of the household chores by yourself! Hubby is not a child that needs to be taken care of! He is a GROWN ASS man that is TOTALLY able to help around the house!!!! AND HE SHOULD DO SO!!! I just couldn’t and will not watch this article until the end. Women WAKE UP! There are two people in the marriage. EACH participant needs to commit to the household chores while loving each other 🥰 Old but wise here in Ohio 😘 Love your husbands, BUT at the same time make them understand that a home is TEAM WORK ‼️❤️
Ugh my husband thinks he has it so rough because he works a full time job, does wash, and occasionally dishes and other random house chores. However I do NOT work but I have health issues. Yet still do everything where our son is concerned, the dogs the home. Why do men think they have it harder. We do talk about it even after 16 yrs. But why just why do men think they have more chores, harder life. It’s funny yet annoying just like kids 😂. I love my hubby to but some days it’s like having two kids here not two adults and one child. Yet days I’m down he is AMAZING. I’ll never understand men. Just glad I have him that’s for sure.
I was busy trying to get my son’s bottle ready while he was having a full blown meltdown and I couldn’t handle the stress anymore so I stupidly exploded on my husband and I told him he cared more about the pizza in the oven than our own baby (cause I was yelling at him to check his diaper if that was the reason he is crying about it being dirty). But the reality is he cares so much about his wife and son that he is willing to work three physically demanding jobs to make life good and easy for us, to spoil our son with toys on Christmas, to get caught up on the bills, etc.
Sometimes I feel like I suppose to do all of the stuffs with the kids and around the house just because my husband is the only one that making money. After like 2 years I exploded at him I was crying and yelling and all that stuff. He was like why you didn’t tell me earlier if you’ve told me I’ll help . That makes me even more angry . Lol
Marriage is very tough. One of the toughest things I have ever done. But what happens when you communicate and the same thing happens again and again?? Then what? Communication is useless if the other person is not willing to listen and understand and compromise. There’s no point. And at that point I will give up.
I dont think it’s that tough. Been with my partner for 12 years and both of us are in the military and there was a time that we only saw each other for 2 days in one year because of deployments. Both of us pull our weight at home, allow both to vent when times are stressful, but we dont stay mad at each other if we have an arguement. Communication is key!
Men need to be told, they don’t catch on quick. They don’t understand why you are in a bad mood from doing fifty different things all while trying to get dinner on the table while they sit on their butt in front of the TV. They see you work. They see your bad mood but they DO NOT put the two things together. They have to be told.
I legitimately flip out on my partner because we have just had 2 kids in under 2 years because I’m a stay at home mom, bad cop, and I’m pulling so much weight that I’m losing more than my identity- my sanity, my happiness. I just cant do everything all the time. Me losing my shit only gets me a few days of help if I’m lucky then it’s back to the same old where I’m taking care of everything and everyone. I didnt sign up for this. Now I know why ppl get divorced.
Married 30 years. I don’t think marriage is hard if you pick the right person. Be realistic about who they are because you will not change them. People are what they are. If you expect something else you might not be a good fit and will constantly be struggling. You shouldn’t try to walk around in a shoe that doesn’t fit…it hurts and you will be miserable. No matter what you try that shoe will never be comfortable. Why do it with a relationship? Love and feelings of attraction are not enough. You have to be a good fit.
It is hard! But it’s also nice to have someone there. That’s why I started a YouTube website. My husband travels for a living and I have to do everything. But having a website has really helped me stay sane! If you guys want to check me out, I just started a website but I’m planning on showing how I single parent. I so understand being stressed out! Love these articles!
I hate how society thinks you’re a terrible woman if you don’t do everything in a household and the man only has to work. I always hear how so and so does this and that for their man and family and are treated like they’re supermom and im like why doesn’t the man or kids help out? Wtf! Im like I’m not stupid that’s a terrible relationship then if that’s going on. I make the man help out too. We all need to pull our own weight and be independent but also help not hinder nor make it be codependency for each other.
Why in the actual hell do we have to communicate these things to men??? I do not understand it. Do they not have eyes? Do not they not have brains? Can they not see or understand all the things that have to happen to maintain family life? This makes me crazy. I agree the answer, when it’s obvious your partner is oblivious, is communication. But it just blows my mind that we just accept that men have to be walked through how to be a part of family life.
It’s funny … when a husband thinks mom’s sit on their ASS all day … who is this woman?! … I need lessons from her!! Lol Mom of 2 girls 9yrs. & headstrong 3yrs. & a doctor lol (she has a crash cart if anyone gets hurt lol) It’s exhausting being a mom, & everything else under the sun. I flipped on my oldest about 2 weeks ago, saying I want to be more than just a mom, I want to be me, have my own thoughts, be my own person. I was more than just a rug to wipe feet on, I have feelings & deserve to be me! The look was priceless to say the least lol 🤣
Speaking as a husband for the last 15 years, so please take this with a grain of salt… We, all of us, need to communicate our needs to our spouses/partners. When we work away from the home and come back to see it not exploded, we can take that to mean everything is ok. Why fix what isn’t broken, right? The points made in this article are valid, but I hope we can all take this as a lesson in communicating our needs immediately (or at least sooner). I can’t imagine how angry you must have been after 10 years of storing up how you felt about this! But I also have to wonder how much sooner the dynamic in your marriage could have changed if you had said this sooner. All of us, please listen to this and take the lesson. This could save marriages.
If you don’t tell men what to do they won’t do a damn thing. They marry women so they don’t have to do much. Sad but true. Not surprised your husband said those inconsiderate things. Most males are not born with a empathy chip, you have to force it on them. My husband will sit an play article games while I do housework, cook dinner, help our son with homework, and then I hand him the vacuum and tell him “move it.”
No one can be everything to everyone, it’s not reasonable to expect that from anyone. Women have got to demand a real equal partnership from day one and men need get their head out of their selfish behinds and to not let it get to a place their wives are losing their minds. That shit is for the birds. It really needs to start in childhood, we need to raise daughters who don’t irrationally think they owe everyone everything and we need to raise sons to know that marriage doesn’t mean a free ride at home. We need to do better so not one more wife and mother has to make a article like this!!!
Not only is this important for you and your spouse, but for your kids to see as well. I’m in my 40s now and in my second marriage (to my first love and soulmate) but I grew up in a home that mom did it all. My parents never fought in front of us (they hardy disagreed anyway I learned later) and mom worked sometimes, but stayed home with us most of our young years. I grew up believing this was how it was to be done, and don’t bitch about it. My first marriage was a nightmare for many reasons, but my idea of marriage was also warped. I did not have a child till my second. And had to learn these things on my own. We are partners, and he is a saint as I went from main income to at home due to health. But he more then pulls his weight. Our kids need to learn the proper way to partnership.
I’m a single mom of two exceptional kids (thank god). I work (fully support the household) and homeschool my kids (I might be crazy for taking that on), and I’ve been running the show for so long that I honestly feel like a man would be too much to deal with at this point . Relationships take so much work for a woman and I don’t necessarily see the reward for us . I get hit on by married dads who are bored with their wives all the time and I’m really disgusted by that behavior. We take care of men, do they really take care of us ? Maybe I’d feel differently if I was a “kept” woman who didn’t have to pay the bills, but I don’t think I’d want a man to own me financially either .