Dr. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples found that partners stuck in a pattern of emotional intimacy in the first few years of marriage have an 80% chance of divorcing in the first four to five years. To increase intimacy, couples should recognize when their partner is not in the mood for intimacy or conversation, and share experiences and activities together. Emotional intimacy is essential for a strong and fulfilling relationship, fostering trust, encouraging vulnerability, and strengthening communication.
Signs of a lack of emotional intimacy include hidden emotions, secrets, lack of trust, and poor communication. To improve emotional intimacy, couples should turn off electronic devices, show love through action and verbal expression, and be a giving lover in and out of the bedroom.
Intimacy in a marriage can suffer if busy with other responsibilities or caught up in day-to-day activities. Factors such as health and stress can contribute to a lack of intimacy in a marriage. Spiritual intimacy can improve communication, connect at the deepest level, and bring values and desires into agreement.
Choosing something to do together, creating good new memories, and investing in maintenance are also ways to build experiential intimacy. Sharing experiences with another person, volunteering to support a cause, or taking a class together can also help build experiential intimacy.
Acknowledging the signs of a “foster boyfriend” is the first step to change and moving towards a healthier relationship dynamic.
📹 The Key Ingredient To Fostering Intimacy (That Most Of Us Miss)
Authentic Relating’s 3 Levels of Conversation: https://authenticrelating.co/blog/2017/11/10/the-three-levels-of-conversation/
What is the walk away wife syndrome?
What to do if you think your spouse might leave. Walkaway wife syndrome is more than just a phase. It’s the end of the relationship. Your wife has checked out. What can you do when your wife no longer loves you? Can you resolve your issues, or is it too late? Think about yourself. Why do you want to save your marriage? You may have checked out too. Do you still love each other? Respect? Are you committed? Or is it just a convenience? Maybe you’ve been afraid to let it go. Know your reasons. If you still love and commit to each other, you’ll need to work at it. If not, it’s time to move on. Don’t waste your time.
Talk honestly. Don’t beg. You missed your chance. Just listen. Stop justifying yourself. Think about what she says from her point of view, even if you disagree. You’re at a crossroads. You may feel betrayed, but she has felt abandoned by you for a long time. If you want to save your marriage, don’t make her feel worse. Just. Listen.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Sometimes, one spouse leaves the other suddenly. The other spouse is shocked. This is called “walkaway wife syndrome.” This term is used for when a spouse, often the wife, feels alone, neglected, and resentful in a bad marriage and decides to leave. What is walkaway wife syndrome? The term “walkaway wife syndrome” suggests a sudden decision, but it often comes after a long period of conflict. The divorce takes years to happen. After trying to get her spouse to deal with their relationship issues, the wife finally decides it’s pointless. She has thought about her options and is ready to leave the marriage.
How long is too long to go without intimacy in a marriage?
Two months without sex is normal, but six months or more is not. But every relationship is different, and each has its own normal for sexual activity. What happens when you go too long without sex? Not having sex can cause problems in relationships. If two partners are in a committed sexual relationship, going for long periods without sex can hurt their feelings and make them less intimate. Sex reduces stress, cortisol, inflammation, mood, and hormonal activity. A lack of sex can contribute to the dysregulation listed above.
How to fix intimacy avoidance?
Overcoming fear of intimacy. Think about your life and try to understand your fears. … Value yourself. All relationships are uncertain. … Talk. … Ask for help. … If your partner fears intimacy. Intimacy is sharing close emotional and physical ties. If you fear intimacy, you fear closeness. There are four types of intimate relationships:
Experiential. You share interests and experiences. You bond through ideas, meaningful discussions, or emotional sharing. You share your innermost feelings or form a spiritual connection. You have a close sensual relationship.
What actions hinder intimacy?
Lack of trust can make intimacy difficult. If you’ve been hurt before, it’s hard to trust. This can be from infidelity, abuse, or violence. … Insecure attachment. … Poor communication. … Criticism. … Mental health issues. Intimacy is a feeling of closeness and connection that goes beyond physical contact. It can bring emotional, mental, and spiritual understanding to any relationship. Intimacy is the glue that keeps you connected to others and the atmosphere of closeness you develop with special people. Sometimes intimacy means sex, but it has a more specific meaning. Intimacy is part of many sexual relationships, but it can also be found in close family and friend relationships.
What does lack of intimacy do to a woman?
The Effects of Lack of Physical Intimacy in a Relationship. Not having physical intimacy can make you feel neglected, lonely, and emotionally disconnected. Lack of physical intimacy in a relationship can cause problems with communication and make partners feel distant. Over time, this makes it harder to bridge the gap, leaving people feeling disconnected and unfulfilled in the relationship. Also, not having physical intimacy can make you feel bad about yourself. Touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel bonded and secure. Without regular doses of this hormone, people may feel worse, with more stress, anxiety, and depression.
Also, lack of physical intimacy can affect other parts of a relationship. It can make you feel angry and frustrated. Sometimes people look for love outside the relationship, which can lead to infidelity or a breakdown in trust. If you don’t have physical intimacy in your relationship, it can affect your whole life.
What is the miserable husband syndrome?
Miserable Husband Syndrome is when a man gets angry, frustrated, and anxious because he’s losing testosterone. This can be caused by aging, certain medications, or too much stress.
Is it better to leave a sexless marriage?
2. You have other major relationship issues. A sexless marriage doesn’t always mean a loveless marriage. But when it does, divorce may be the best option. When you and your partner are busy or stressed, sex can feel like a luxury. But affection and touch are basic human needs. If you don’t feel loved, it can mean bigger problems in your marriage, especially if it’s short-term. Empathy is key, says Kyle Benson of the Gottman Institute. To understand your partner, you have to feel what they feel. Empathy is a deep connection.
Does this remind you of anything else? Maybe this is what you wanted to know? To keep your marriage exciting, keep the emotional connection strong.
How to foster intimacy in a relationship?
Intimacy takes time. Celebrate your relationship. … Talk about your feelings and needs. Make time for intimacy. … Your relationship will have ups and downs. … Be grateful for your relationship. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner is one of the best things about a relationship. You should also think about how to share intimacy without sex. Intimacy in a relationship takes work. It takes time to build trust and intimacy. Abuse or violence destroys trust and intimacy, which means the relationship is in trouble.
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How do you fix lack of intimacy in a marriage?
Here are 10 tips to bring back passion in your marriage: Initiate sex more often. Hold hands more. … Let tension build. … Make sex special. … Spend time with your partner. … Touch each other. … Be more emotionally vulnerable during sex.
Spice up your marriage. Jason and Kendra have been married for 12 years and have three kids. They mostly talk about work, chores, their kids’ activities, and the boring parts of their marriage. Kendra says: “I love Jason, but there’s no passion left.” When Kendra says this, Jason says, “I thought we were doing okay.” We don’t have sex much, but it’s just a phase. “I don’t have any energy left by the time I go to bed.”
Why is it so hard for me to be intimate with my husband?
Fear of intimacy can be caused by abuse, neglect, medical problems, fear of abandonment, or religious beliefs. Sometimes, it can be a mix of issues. You may need to see a professional.
What blocks intimacy?
Emotional barriers can make intimacy difficult in many relationships. These may include past traumas, trust issues, or communication problems.
📹 Bringing Back INTIMACYwith 10 Simple Habits // Wife Talk
We’ve been married for nearly 5 years and by now, that initial spark is long gone.I’ve been practicing these 10 simple habits to …
The problem here is that it takes two people to get to that level of intimacy. If the other person doesn’t have the capacity or doesn’t want to go deeper with you, then no amount of studying, communication, understanding, empathy, knowledge and care can get you there… It take TWO people to be intimate with each other.
simply identifying our attachement styles (my partner and I) has changed everything, intimacy is 1000% more intense and free. I’m anxious, she’s avoidant. and we work on communicating openly, and understand what triggers us. it blows my mind how simple this stuff is at the core. there’s always more, things happen. but learning to self regulate, instead of reaching out for reassurance has saved me tbh. I’ve watched a lot of your articles. thank you for being there.
I was really looking forward to hear this, but now it left me more conflicted. My issue is that in my life, people feel close to me or that I really understand them and I don’t. I really dig deep in conversations to get the emotional understanding, and, especially in my romantic relationships, people don’t reciprocate that. I have a thought that maybe they are so deprived of that kind of intimacy that they will just leave the conversation centered on them for as long as I can. And either our shared time runs out, we need to move on, or sometimes I’ll literally express my craving for curiosity of my mind and feelings and I’ll get responses like “I don’t know how to do what you do”. And it makes me really sad. Eventually my emotional battery gets drained, and even though I can self soothe and be intimate with myself, it gets really lonely sometimes, even though I interact with many people. I know I can just meet different people, but the sheer number of people I’ve met and having this issue, it really feels horrible to “dump” relationships for the sake of this, so I keep feeling like I find myself in these one sided intimate relationships. I just don’t want to keep asking people to be curious about me. It’s not horrible, but it sucks sometimes.
I’ll never forget when I was at a house party in my early 20s and there were a bunch of people sitting around not talking to anyone. I went to every person and started a conversation and eventually asked them why they weren’t dancing or interacting with everyone else. All of them said they were worried about what the others thought. Of course, I’ve I got the ball rolling the party got poppin! 😂
When I came across this website I was living every minute of my life that was not at work inside of a bathroom. I know it sounds ridiculous, but literally, I lived in my master bathroom which is tiny. I Ate maybe once every couple of days, I was sleeping at most 15 hours a week. I lost 20 lbs. I was very good at masking at work, but on my days off I would not see daylight. Since then, I have not only entered into a relationship, but ended it because I recognized that I was measuring my value according to their attention to me, and that the relationship in and of itself was not a healthy place for me or them. They reacted in a volatile way and I truly, from the bottom of my heart did not feel any spite. I don’t want to say pity because it sounds so rude, but I felt true pity, pity without thinking down about them. I’ve noticed that my attachment style is changing, hell I know what one is haha. I’m aware of things I do that are not reflective of how I genuinely feel and I’m taking necessary steps to be as genuine as I can as the situation allows. All of this stems from this website. I still spend time in the bathroom, but now I feel that I do it for me. I’ll wash my face or sew some clothes and listen to articles or music. I don’t do it out of shame anymore. I do it to spend quality time with myself. I know it’s still a weird place… but I’ll get there. I see the path now.
I really appreciate this article, I have always had this ability to get really emotionally intimate with other people but I never understood exactly what I was doing. I realized from this article that my ability to be vulnerable and get to the relational level of intimacy helped other people feel more comfortable opening up to me. I appreciate your help in advancing my ability to understand myself and be more intentional in future conversations and relationships.
I’m the dismissive avoidant type, and I want to get to my feelings, and to experience true intimacy, even if it is scary and overwhelming. I want to be ME, which was taken away from me all of my life. I hate to see how society promotes shallowness, how it discourages intimacy, how it rewards and expects to rationalize your feelings away. I truly think we are living in a dismissive avoidant society, and that’s a very scary thought for me. But once you see it, you can’t unsee it.
Ive learned through years of sharing on the relational level since I was a child, that most people just took advantage of and even weaponized my vulnerability against me (even close friends) to the point where now i rarely go beyond the personal. I do feel largely disconnected from even my own family now.
I love this self disclosure and vulnerability you display so much. I was raised by emotionally unavailable, completely dysfunctional parents and I learned early in life, as the youngest (and now the only surviving child) to overcompensate and show too much vulnerability too quickly with people. I have spent so much time feeling alone in this ability to be deeply vulnerable. I’m trying to work on setting vulnerability boundaries for myself and juggle the impulse to become avoidant when I set expectations too high with others and inevitably break my own heart in the process. Thank you for what you do here, Heidi.
I’m half way and I am honestly blown away. My partner has brought up these points during conflict and I tried but struggled to understand what it means to be truly honest. And almost forcing him to be accountable for how his actions made me feel. This article is giving me tools that may change my relationship for the better. I’m so grateful for this information, it couldn’t have come at a better time.
What immediately stood out to me in ghe first 5 minutes of this article is how poetry deals with that third level of intimacy, not just of the self but the environment, others…when people say they dont ‘get’ poetry or dislike it I often find it correlates to a lack of emotional intimacy with them. I believe poetic literacy is crucial in building up our collective abilities to tap into deep relationality. The essay Uses of the Erotic by Audre Lorde, covers this in far more eloquent words than I can. The second thing I noticed was how my mind jumped to “what about the somatic!” part of why myself and other neurodivergent people in my circles feel great loneliness, we have discussed together, is that we crave nonverbal, energetic intimacy and many people feel deeply uncomfortable with this form of communication. What I mean by that: lingering together, laying by a tree, tracking animal trails, parallel play (doing activities side by side), creating art together, non-sexual (or sexual) intentional touch, humming, stimming, dancing and singing together. Or even simply existing and noticing the environment in eachother’s presence. This level of intimacy is what makes me feel alive and well, and. Often thwre is so much overstimulation and burnout from the environment it gets lost. But i also find that bringing it into friendships can creep people out or make them feel intense feelings towards me, or simulate romance. It is a very romantic/creative way to engage with the world. I’ve learned to turn myself off/down or mask a lot to prevent weird attachments or rejection and projection.
Ooof, goddamn Heidi Priebe has changed my life. Every singles article hits me in the feels. “Other people like to lead with the basement, and what they’re actually a little bit ashamed of is the fact that they have like three sunrooms in the back that they don’t really tell anybody about. Because maybe those people have a fear that if people knew that I was resources and I could keep myself ok, they would abandon me.” STOP LOOKING INTO MY SOUL
You put into clear words a feeling ive had for a few years now: Most people really dont ever go beyond “level two” It’s true that people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. In short, most people are just shallow. They dont even know what deep is, they don’t have the self awareness
This was honestly the most scary article ever. I’m actually proud of myself for finding the courage to keep listening to your articles, because they call me out in ways that make me feel really yucky at first. Realizing that I have a lot of work to do around intimacy. I think I’m maybe what you’ve called “fearful avoidant”, and the only person I truly feel comfortable around is my husband, who is also avoidant. But I live in fear of anyone ever hurting my feelings. The idea of asking anyone to tell me how they feel ABOUT being in conversation with me right now… that makes me feel like ants are crawling all over me. Like, intentionally opening yourself up to hearing something that might hurt your feelings. That’s a form of bravery that I don’t currently have, but probably do need to work toward developing
At 12ish I learned that a true friend was one who knew everything about you, and still likes you. I live at that level of intamacy. Level 3 is how I talk. I find mostly other people are refreshed by my candour, some can’t handle it, but overall the non romantic relationships I have today are those where we’ve both become completely vulnerable with each other.
This is amazing! I love how you pointed out a very obvious problem in our culture – I really think we all need to learn intimacy when we are young and also the skills to heal when our intimacy is hurt- knowing when its ok to be at that relational level and when to be strictly informational is something ive been paying attention to in my own life
You know, for someone who prefaced this skill with the confession that they used to avoid intimacy, this lesson was very helpful and well received. Sometimes when something did not come as second nature, it gives us permission to then be beginners at something, to not take the practice for granted, to be even more specific, articulate and formal. And that’s what you accomplished here!
If we don’t dare going deeper and closer using radical honesty, we don’t really get to know people. I’ve come to understand that this is what will bring closer to us the people who are serious and feel comfortable with intimacy and repell those who aren’t. I also think that this is going to strengthen our broken red flag detector, mine need some help for sure!
Thank you for this article. Tonight while I was journaling I realized the degree to which I’ve been almost exclusively writing about my day at the informational level. You’ve helped me go from informational, to personal, and right into relational. It feels like I’ve just opened a door to a level of relationship with myself that I didn’t think was possible. I love your articles and appreciate your work immensely
Thank you for giving us the layers so clearly. As a person who is FA, I’m trying to really understand how to learn self forgiveness and understanding what steps need to be taken to be a healthy friend and family member. After damaging an important relationship with my chaos, your content is helping me get to the root of the cause and then rebuild in a holistic and thorough way. Thank you so much.
I didn’t realize how much of an idiot I was being 🤦 omg, this makes so much more sense. I was opening the door for intimacy and simultaneously responding poorly to how she was SHARING her intimacy. Damn, if she never forgives me for that I wouldn’t blame her… I hope that she is willing to give me the chance to grow as a person and prove to her that I am making changes to my behavior. Gah, I can’t believe I made such a mistake 🤦🤦🤦🤦
I don’t know how it is in the US but in the Caribbean you get punished for being curious so you learn early on to be disconnected. We even have a bad word that is especially aimed at curious people. I have working on being more vulnerable and intimate with my friends theses last few months and I knew about curiousity. Still, I’m impressed how you link everything together so it makes even more sense now. I enjoy listenning to you ❤❤
Wonderful article! I loved what you said about “curiosity”. One of my theories about why people SEEM to not be curious about their inner world is this: It isn’t so much that they aren’t curious. I think they lack the emotional maturity to see nuance. They get stuck in binary thinking (shame based). They have a hard time stripping judgement away from their curiosity. Also, I find that their curiosity is limited to the “informational” level meaning that they are curious…. but they take what they have learned at face value. Example: Intimacy is hard for me….. so that must mean that I’m just not a relationship person. They can’t take their thinking to the next level to ask the question: What about my past made intimacy difficult. They jump to conclusions without ever rethinking their past.
Prior to perusal, my initial thoughts. I’ve been alone almost my whole life. Few friends (that drift apart from moving away or life changes), no girlfriend, etc. I’m used to it, although I wish it weren’t like that. I wouldn’t call myself lonely per se, but I wish I could find at least one woman who enjoyed my company so I could have a partner in crime to do things with. But the thought of what it takes to get to that point with another person is terrifying. I’ve had too many negative experiences.
I am working through grief after the end of a 2 year relationship that I thought was with my soulmate, and I say that completely aware of the absurdity of that statement, as someone who didnt believe soulmates were a thing until the day we both came to the same conclusion at the same time. all to say it was a big deal. Im 2 months in and we’re in no contact, and I honestly dont think I will ever hear from her again unless I reach out. I have a yt playlist called “jfc the accuracy” and its meant to be the place where all the articles that I think exactly describe some piece of that relationship either one or both of us or the dynamic between us. almost every article in there is your website Heidi. this is my new favorite website. I am perusal and rewatching and learning so much and it is really really impactful. it is so helpful to understand to see the forest and the trees, to have lived experience that felt intangible and indecipherably complex and unique be explained from root to stem so fully and so plainly as frameworks of survival and interaction. its so comforting to not feel alone, and there is so much peace in feeling like I can understand and choose differently bc I understand what happened and my place in it and my partners. as a child of chaos understanding is always so empowering
These are the words I was missing. Thank you. I’m going through a divorce, and I could never explain even to myself where the rift I felt was coming from. I knew I felt deeply emotionally neglected, and I’ve pieced a lot of it together on these past weeks, months. But this not only explains it, but also how I managed to stand up and say ‘enough’. It was being met with open curiosity and building bonds with others who weren’t as scared to meet me at those personal and relational points, while my ex kept running from it, even seeing it as personal attacks. How I ended marrying him is no mystery tho, having been raised emotionally starved. But I’m learning to see it, and avoid staying on ‘safe levels’, and nurture healthier bonds. I’m not fully able to get into relational intimacy without needing to breathe deeply and calm myself down, but I’m doing it, little by little. I’m so grateful I found people who get it and are okay with being patient with me and my growth.
As an INTP this has always been difficult. I have a lot going on inside but usually push it aside and respond with logic. Especially being terrified of spontaneous emotion. This article is so inspiring! Thank you so much for making your content available and sharing your intellect in such a talented way. You have a beautiful soul.
When I heard ‘Curiosity’ was the best tool to get intimate, I was joyful, whooping and hollering! And then we explored the three levels of Conversation and how difficult Relational Curiosity could get and I was like “Ohhhh…. ohhhhh….” And it was a good “Aha” moment. I know for me I’ve been incidentally using a lotta psych/self help talk and have unintentionally allowed myself to swing into Emotional Bypassing to state my own feelings when I need to keep working on my emotional maturity to take someone at face value… I’ve gotten LOADS better from where I started when I started perusal this website, but I enjoy that now I can appreciate each of the steps and refining everything that I’ve learned. Long Story short… Time to take this level of curiosity of being and keeping self intimacy and using learned skills to find people who are safe and supportive to do so too. Many thinks to think. Thank you!
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:00 🗣️ Heidi Priebe introduces the topic of intimacy, highlighting her personal journey and its significance in her life. 01:07 💡 Intimacy is defined as being present with someone in their undefended state and allowing them to see your undefended self. 02:16 📊 Introducing the model of “three levels of conversation” used in authentic relating: informational, personal, and relational. 03:41 🔍 Many relationships stay at the personal level, missing the deeper connection of the relational level. 04:10 ❤️ The relational level focuses on the current, in-the-moment feelings and reactions, leading to true intimacy. 05:47 🛡️ Being seen on the relational level is vulnerable, and many people naturally avoid it. 07:12 ⚖️ In conflicts, many tend to use informational statements loaded with personal emotions, making resolutions challenging. 08:34 🧠 Most relational issues can be resolved at the relational or personal level. 08:49 🧐 The key tool for fostering intimacy and navigating relational conversations is curiosity. 09:02 🧠 Being truly curious about another person’s full range of experience is challenging yet vital for intimacy. 09:47 🤝 Relational curiosity—delving into someone’s real-time experience including their perceptions of us—is rare due to potential vulnerabilities it reveals. 10:55 🔧 Relational curiosity is a powerful tool for building intimacy but requires vulnerability and discernment.
Your articles are always so comforting. The way you deliver the information so straightforwardly and with such compassion and a smile really helps me understand and receive it. Sometimes tough topics can be so overwhelming I can only listen to psychology articles here and there, but I keep coming back to yours frequently. Thank you for helping ❤
I spent some 200 bucks on a ctpsd course last week and I can honestly tell you I feel kind of angry about that because it yeilds me 10% of the helpful information I get from you but I also feel strangely protected by the universe in that ‘nothing is ever wasted’… and that the value that I was expecting elsewhere, I am getting..just not from the source I thought it would be from. This is the single best article on intimacy out there thanks to the PURE Gold examples that too in the first 6 minutes of the article. I am so grateful to you. May god bless you and may you have a truly blessed life ahead.
Thank you for the great article! The way you break down intimacy makes it less scarier than it actually is. I, for a long time, felt like I had an ego problem. I guess it is related to my fear of intimacy. I am really looking forward to your future articles. I will try to work the intimacy muscle out to the point where I can feel like a full human being, not just a projected image. Your work is really phenomenal and it made me rethink a lot of stuff and sometimes brought some parts of me that I didn’t know about so I hope your website gets bigger so everyone can gain some valuable insight the same way I did 💓
This article helped me see how I do struggle with intimacy in certain ways that I hadn’t realized! It seems inevitable that we all likely do in some areas, and will continue to bump against avoiding it throughout our lives here and there. I haven’t been as perfectly open and vulnerable as I pridefully thought I was! I am just more comfortable with depths than many people. When you Mentioned how “Some people are willing to quickly access their basements-but they have sunrooms they hide” (or however you said it) that really hit me! “Sunroom” brought up images for me of how I have come to hide and avoid discussing my successes and talents because I have been hurt by people who appear to feel uncomfortable with me or are insecure-they react weird when I tell them some of what I’m doing and excited about (even a summarized version, when they asked-lol) I now tend to shut down, became over sensitive in assuming people are judging me harshly like a few others seem to have. This article has given me a lot of food for thought. There are some Great basic relational/conversational tactics for my marriage too. So glad I found this article this morning-thank you for doing your website ❤
The point you make at 23:30 is so perfect. What has our history done to our psychology? What do we live these lies about what it is to be human? This fake ideology that we’re all taught and expected to live by, especially about feelings and emotions and how to deal with them has screwed us all up. Somehow, the forefathers of society declared that to be human was to rely totally on the rational mind and to ignore/suppress/dismiss our emotions… or rather retro-fit rationale onto them, which is what we actually do. So now we have a society that acts emotionally and lies to itself about why we behave in certain ways.
The hard part about being emotionally vulnerable is so many people aren’t. They have damage from others who they’ve tried to be vulnerable with. Or they have never been allowed to be emotionally vulnerable in their whole lives so it scares them to even think about doing this. They don’t feel like they deserve to be loved. They feel guilt they can’t love in the same way. It chafes them to be loved through all of their faults and human conditions. Everyone deserves understanding and grace but it’s such a foreign concept they can’t come to terms with it and they quit.
Ok this is not meant to be a “hey look at me I can do this” sort of flex, but I think I may have the strange difficulty at relating and communicating at the relational level when people aren’t really read for it, or perhaps haven’t really earned it. As if gotten more burned in relationships over the course of time, I’m learning that the informational and personal level are actually quite important, and sometimes prefered, and that the relational level should really only be accessed in the most important moments. Otherwise there are too many “determining the relationship” talks or overly intimate conversations that stem too much from an insecurity than a true intimate conversation. This is probablay something anxiously attached or fearful avoidants need to be aware of, but I feel like it’s worth mentioning and clarifying the difference
i know several people that get angry if i go level 3. they really hate it and say “make your point already dont talk around the bush” . or they call ot “complaining” while i wasnt complaining, but just sharing my experience. Even if they are positive experiences they think it is negative. I like to interview people for work newsletter and after a whole conversation about technical details i dare to ask a broader question at tge end “Tell me what led you to choose this profession, or how did you end up to be an expert in this” then the answer i got was “….????… o no i dont lke those questions”. So especially the tech people cannot be interviewed at all. Their stories wont be read by anyone because you might as well read the manual. They really cannot be reflective. Once someone called it “philosophy”… just asking someones insentives is apperently very deep philosophical. While to me that is a coffeechat.
I tried this after finding your article over a year ago with someone I really fell for. He stayed pretty congruent too in telling me he was falling for me. I’m scared to watch your make it or break it article now because we ended before we really even began. It destroyed me. I asked for help, real help, the kind that my inner child has been quietly crying for for 30+ years thanks to your articles. And while I’m glad I put myself out there, that was the moment I felt him leave. I asked if he was breaking up with me, and he said yes. I have a fantastic therapist and I still don’t hand the courage to ask and commit for what I needed last January. What I needed for years. What I still need now. I just wanted to cry in front of someone. I struggle with this so much. I just wanted to be held and to have someone hold a safe space for me to be sad without feeling like I’ll be yelled at for it, accused of it being some kind of strategy, dismissed, or even abandoned. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to. All of those things have happened. I am losing hope. Enough that I decided to do ECT and accept the risks.
Thank you for the amazing challenge! This gave me so much nourishing insight to chew on & apply!!! I actually find it incredibly natural to be relationally curious about people, but I take a while to work up the nerve & strategies to ask them about their queues, and then the unhad discussions just stack up on my back burners until I become very stressed. You did a rarely excellent job of pointing out how it is often our decision when we don’t cultivate any of these most fulfilling relationships, however, and pinpointing exactly how we are failing our selves in these ways. 🙂 Your smile is also upliftingly pretty.
I deeply appreciate how powerfully this article resonates with me. I’ve been very deeply studying compassionate communication techniques with a heightened curiosity in observing myself and others. A fear of spontaneous feelings… yeah, I’ve had that. I’ve been afraid of shame, judgment and inversely, self-judgment… been deeper into introspective journaling for a few years now. Since my mother passed away, I’ve been not only journaling but writing personal poetry about my feelings and the attributing life events. I’ve noticed very clearly, a commonality in how we try to connect with impressing others, with some friends struggling to connect with their emotions for fear the emotions themselves could get them in relational trouble. Vulnerability has been a rare sight… I’d never consciously noticed this… I know I’ve had a difficult life with oddness and eccentricity I’d been conditioned into fearing. I’ve since shared many of my personal journals with friends, family and the internet as a whole… and everything… everything I’ve done and experienced. This released me from a fear of judgment, knowing everyone’s perspective is personal… remaining curious and graciously accepting all input. This entire article’s succinct 20 minutes near perfectly encompass my Covid and post-Covid journaling journey… and I thank you for reminding me how valuable this introspection has been. I now feel seen and affirmed. I feel believed in hearing all of this from someone else. Comfort fosters authenticity and authenticity stems from open honesty and accountability. Thank you. I am so appreciative for this, Heidi. <3
This article was so refreshing. Underscoring bring 100% honest and not self censoring… and then digging into…”why am I self censoring…?” And the description of being in an undefended state… that’s a Bright Line that ought to be a standard for healthy attachment (and not being manipulated by a counterpart).
This is so great, exactly what I needed to hear right now. I definitely struggle understanding when I am or am not being intimate, and it simply being communicating with someone in the present moment about what it’s like right then to be with them is precisely what I avoid doing. Sounds terrifying just describing it.
Curiosity is the key! 7:16 what a great example of the basics laid out up to this point! Yes! So many breakups are over one or both feeling abandoned for “being too much” (or its flipside, “not good enough”) from assumptions and misunderstandings! 13:44 curiosity comes from being calm instead of defense. 14:42 this is a LARGE scale CULTURAL issue to call everyone a Narcissist instead of seeing the STRUCTURE pushing us into these relationships!
This is really transformational, thank you for presenting it in such a clear, easy to grasp and practical way! This helps me with where I am in my own growth process right now. It is fun to listen to you and life changing at the same time. I think you are really genius in your own way of shining this clear light into the dark unconscious corners of our mind. Thank you for being as you are and sharing it with us!
Love for you and for this article that touches my hearth. I’ve needed emotional connection since from my childhood and struggled to find it. My longlasting relationship with a man left me with tons of doubts about him because he stay often silent and never express his feelings in general. I have no intimate friendship even if I ( sort of) asked for that. Once a friend told me that I am difficult because a dig to much deep and is painful for her. People seems to prefere superficial stuff. Three years ago I felt deeply in love for a man who keeps me as a sidechick for a while. He is probably a narc but even if he’ s been avoidant, he puts me in front of a mirror and gave me the opportunity to understand that in reality I’m avoidant too. 😢
What wonderful timing for this article! Thank you for the reminder of AR 3 level framework around communication! Also these two words stood out a a lot for me: Curiosity, and Presence – both of which I recently brought into an interaction with another. This article brought up a sense of confidence, and peace regarding how I approached that interaction. Your articles are such a brilliant, glowing addition to the world from my perspective.
I have consistently practiced Intimacy and Affective Empathy, in particular. “Walk a Mile in Your Shoes” is vital for Relating, which is the Practice that Relationships give us an opportunity to learn and improve. Imago Mirroring Technique, Active Listening, Principled Negotiation, are pre-requisites. Yet, I repeatedly meet people who are Avoidant or Obsessive or Narcissistic or I’m-Gonna-Change-While-Taking-No-Responsibility baggage. I wasn’t doing ‘the wrong thing,’ for decades… so, I don’t want to settle for someone who is “just finally figuring-out that Intimacy and Affective Empathy are vital to a Relationship”… which means I am lonely. I wrote “My Sanity Check-list for Relationships” and I still see how few of those key points are in the conversations about relationships in the media.
I met someone 5 years ago and we didn’t date but we stayed in touch and over the years I have come to see we are so aligned spiritually that even though we don’t date we’ve become very touchy-feely with each other like that’s the way we connect right now. But from someone who isn’t a touchy-feely person and I don’t think she is either, but it feels so nice. I think she likes it too. I just want to be close to her all the time. Then maybe then we’ll start dating lol. Kind of weird way to get involved with someone but it’s been so sweet and romantic.
I hope she makes more articles like this. Like when she mentions how cptsd interferes with personal relationships. I think of my own anxious avoidant attachment disorders with people especially my mother. Who is a constant sense of distress in order to sabotage my set of boundaries, for her own sense of amusement and humiliation. Especially for a scapegoat who has sacrificed years of my life, energy, and finances to someone who is taking advantage. It takes over my sense of self. When she speaks about relationships I feel left out in such a big way for someone else’s enjoyment.
Wow.. this resonates with me so strongly, and explains so many things and feelings I have experienced! Always felt shame for not feeling erudite enough, I was somehow never interested in remembering facts. Thought that something was wrong with me and pushed myself to learn stuff, unsuccessfully. After listening to you, I now understand that I am always interested in depth and genuine connections much more than in the informational level of communication. So nothing is wrong with me, I just have other interests. Such a release! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 😌💚🙏
Hi Heidi! I appreciate all your hard work!! I don’t even know how to express my gratitude! I am sure you give many of your time to us…. Hope YouTube rewards you well 😅…. You deserve it!! Your articles are so amazing !! Such a talented communicator, kind and knowledgeable person. You are special being, that I am sure! If you ever come to Portugal, Lisbon, I would like to meet you in person 😊 Cheer’s
You are soooo clever!!! And I really apreciate that lately, you slow down and moderate your voice when saying important stuff, it’s easier to understand all the abundance of your mind. You tell so many interesting things on our world, but I have to listen most of your articles few times before really get there where you are in this very dense, quickthinking world. Thank you for your work.
Wow this article is gold! Thank you so very much for explaining this in such a clear and concise format. I finally understand how to take it to the next level more consistently and give myself credit for the times I’ve been completely vulnerable in the past without realizing that’s what I was doing. Now I’m ready to practice more! Thank you! Many blessings to you! 🙏🏻💖✨
I think you hit the nail on the head at the end there. We all have trouble being honest and we’re very good at lying to ourselves and others. Of course there are layers to that. Layers of truth, layers of boxes we put ourselves in. There were a few moments when you mentioned a lasting relationship. I think if we’re honest, a lot of us are scared, and for good reason, that over the long term compatibility changes. I heard one coach put it something like ” the longer the relationship goes the more likely you’ll run into even more incompatibility”. Even if you were very good at relating at a that relational level together, which most aren’t, it doesn’t mean one of those incompatibilities won’t show up over time and at some point it might even be irreconcilable after deep investment. That is life changing. And for most who are not relating at that level, they build on the foundational lie and then when the incompatibility becomes apparent or a new one shows up, it all crumbles. it’s very dynamic, and there’s so much more here. I’m not convinced education would “help” relationships go “better”. We might need to reconsider how we do our culture and society and thereby our relationships in light of being more relational.
I really enjoy listening to your way off reading reality (please exxcuse my english, i’m french ! ) it helps me a lot and helps me feel not so lonely . I totaly agree with an almost universal chaos off internal emotions we live and don’t know how to deal with…we learn a lot at school but not how to deal with emotions nor how to take care off ourselfs. I think your approch is wise and uplifting for like me who thinks positively about humanity, whatever we see off it under some angles…have a nice day ! Kris
This is the first time I’ve seen Heidi. Heidi’s definition of Intimacy is an excellent definition IMO. When challenged about my motives 15 years ago I arrived at the same definition, and have found it unsurpassed both as a direction to walk (or avoid) and as a measure of ‘where are we right now?’ I’m so grateful to Heidi for having put time and thought into this. It becomes a very strong indication to me that I can trust what she is saying ….
I’ve been perusal a lot of your articles lately and I feel like they reached me just in time. Also I think it is really fascinating how thought through your articles are and how much of your own thoughts you integrate. It really gives me hope to see that people like you exist.. I hope this isn’t too much, I’m sorry if so, but I find your intelligence and vulnerability really attractive🫣 All in all I just want to say thank you for being just you and therefore reaching me and giving me the opportunity to learn so much
i really appreciate your tone in these articles and unbiased explanation of dynamics in relationships, its so so helpful to have something like that to bounce off of as a middle point, and see my own muddled emotional patterns clearer. And mentioning this being a cultural problem as well just ties it all together into our spirituality as humans <3 the two conversations are so intertwined, they are one in the same, and you deliver it in such a poignant way that anyone could resonate with. These articles are just as important in our time as,say, Jesus' teachings in his time, or Rudolf Steiner over a hundred years ago!
I think the culture and parental upbringing has disassociated our bodies. All mind and no body connection. To be aware of the sensations in the body can discern what the mind is creating meaning to. So if a trigger comes up I think it is important to investigate what this trigger means in the body. I have been processing the hurt from my childhood lately and now have the courage to feel these feelings of discomfort. We are not learned this in school, or from our parents and friends. Somatic experiencing with a safe environment is key to unwind the really difficult emotions from our past. Yelling, screaming, crying, punching and being able to self soothe with the psyche understanding that I am safe and not in danger. This is the true biological intuitive nature of all us. I would love to see places in our communities where we can support the people experiencing trauma. A lot like primal screaming that was a trend in the 80’s. This is great information to start the awareness of healing our collective disregulated nervous systems. Sending love and prayers to all.
I became trauma bonded to a girl who cheated and left with another man. I’ve been heartbroken ever since. She kept reaching out via text, mostly because I felt it soothed her need to stay connected. However it’s been over a year now and I feel trapped, because I haven’t gotten the chance to clear up how I truly felt, and would like an apology, some closure or at least a deeper conversation, so it feels there is a lot at stake, and I’m afraid of screwing up.
Heidi, you have a gift that you can share your insights in such a clear and compassionate way. I found that every podcast you made is so to the point and it gave me this “aha” feeling. Thank you for being a great teacher. I hope you will consider organizing your episodes and turning them into a book or something that can be read anytime.
this is such a helpful breakdown. while I’m a the stage where I understand how many of my problems stem from not having intimate relationships all my life, it’s really confusing to go into space where I’m not even sure what to look for. what does intimacy even mean when you ‘mind’ your way through everything. sometimes we need a graph to start somewhere 🙂
I genuinely love the way you explain this stuff, I consider you my psychologist pretty much at this point. I need to watch the rest of your articles to see if you’ve gone over being present with feelings of jealousy and how to stay present in ahem certain situations where I theorize anxiety of what the other person is thinking takes over and kills the momentum completely leading to constant internal disappoint and shame :’D If anyone reading this knows she made a article addressing this PLEASE share thank you ~~~
Your articles are changing my life experience in ways I never imagined possible. I used to HATE LIFE. And although not much has changed in my life I’m finding it so much more tolerable and I can almost imagine becoming capable of enjoying life. Thank you so much!!! PS …I feel really happy that I’ve found your articles 😂
It may be insightful to apply these categories to our families of origin. I suspect many of us experienced difficulties in life and with intimacy because our families functioned only at the informational level. Therefore, we lacked experience with being known and knowing others. They didn’t model intimacy and foster its development in us with them, our siblings, our extended family and friends and, most importantly, with ourselves. ( Actually, I don’t remember my parents even relating to each other on an informational level.)
@15 minutes in: You are describing almost every date I have been on – where the guy talks non-stop about himself – bragging bragging bragging – or in a multitude of other ways, trying to impress me or trying to consume my mind with his agenda – while not one man – ever – has asked about me – not one man has ever asked anything about my childhood, my teen years, my relatives, my friends, my goals, my hopes, my feelings … not one … not ever … which is why I’m still single. * So I called a guy I dated – decades ago – we haven’t seen or heard from one another in decades – but I called him – I told him he never asked any questions about me – and then we talked for three hours.
though there is lots of fears in my life, nearly always when i join this world .. putting my focus on beeing curious seems to be very helpful in a lots of situations. when our desires become stronger than our fears. i am excited where this journey will lead to .. starting with my ‘best friends’ in the basement (deamons) 😊 Have the feeling to slowly lift of ..after years of just thinking this over and over. Well its about time.. living. now .. to become an active part. again. And yes..the trigger.. it was a girl, an eMotion. moving me very hard.. kicking me out of this passive mode. Maybe she sees some hidden potential inside of me, trying to unlock this. Although we only meet for moments at work we have become kind of intimate very quick. ‘Soulbrotherhood’ Intimacy linked to compassion sort of. i feel more and more okay with beeing vulerably.. gives compatible people easy chance to link with me.. sometimes its just a smile 😊 and staying super curious ! It makes deep connections. And humans out of strangers.. friends Thank you so much. ❤
I call it “friend grinding”. Like “level grinding” but for friends. If I’m not right for them and they’re not right for me. It’s time for me to move on find a new group. I’ve got an exceptionally well with this. I know thousands of people here and my local area and other places in the world. Stay fun, playful, be useful and emotionally available. Most any group will accept you. Do what makes you feel good. Do it for educational value. If you’ve learned everything you can. Time to move on to a new adventure of helping others while educating yourself. I hope this information helps 🙂 This way you can stay true and authentic to yourself and nobody will hate you for it but you came you gave. You moved on. Generally the door will always be there for you to be open because you are useful and give value without asking anything return.
Great article, Heidi! I am going to be more conscious of applying the tools you just demonstrated. I usually do the first two but I also wait to see if the other person reciprocates with equal curiosity about me…it is rare that they inquire equally so I need to focus on addressing that honestly with others. I usually end up knowing a lot about them and they will hardly know anything at all about me. 🫣🤪
Listening to this, I am realizing how intimacy can be healing. And also, I am thinking that a psychotherapist/client relationship has a one-sided version of this: the client is opening up in that way…well…now thinking about it, the client is probably more on the personal level, since they are open, but not necessarily about experiencing the therapist. But still, sometimes they might describe things that pertain to how they feel in that very moment. And the therapist has to be present and curious.
I have spent most of my life achieving this level of emotional maturity simply because I am naturally curious and want to reach my maximum human potential before I die, however I realize it’s difficult to find others who are naturally capable and willing to operate in this space, but it’s not impossible 😊 thank you
Great article. The new generations learning about the world through the screens of electronic devices have developed this human-relationship gap which has caused a worldwide pandemic of loneliness. Now more than ever we, older and new generations alike, need to readjust our human relationship skills to re-learn how to be more human, closer to each other, and more intimate.
Wow! Thank you. Right off, the definition of intimacy you offer seems indistinguishable from civil. Given that, I find useful considering intimacy as a felt shared co-emerging/co-witnessing…+ activated & nurtured, in open negotiations, an offering, with permission-challenge, to co-create & co-discover-explore each other.
Yet again amazing work Heidi! My struggle is that I am very relational and I’ve done a huge amount of self discovery and learning around literally all your favourite topics and this means it’s virtually impossible to find people who match my level of internal and external curiosity and awareness! The more I grow the harder it is to be around people who are not growth oriented and the more alienated I get and the more I seem to trigger people with my awareness 😂😢 How on earth do we draw people into our world that are similarly minded in a world seemingly full of intimacy avoidant stuck in their way people!?! 🤔
Just clicked on this vid, seemed interesting… then she said CURIOSITY. Damn if that wasn’t the core issue that I felt with my ex girlfriend. After reflecting and communicating why I kept feeling frustrated within the relationship, that was it. I felt like I was exploring and trying to understand her better because, you know, I was interested in her. Great insight 👍
This is very interesting, for a number of reasons. I have never heard anyone spell out things so clearly. You experience is similar to mine. This is stuff you need to digest more slowly, so you can think about things more deeply. I call it the juice of life. The nectar of living as a sentient carbon-based lifeform. A human being.
So, I think I did this in my last relationship. I was fully me with this person. It did not go over well. Lol. I’m late-diagnosed ASD and know I have a few traits that need to be reigned in. Like info dumping. Think it’s the best I’ve done so far, though. Noticed I had too stop being me to not be shushed. Shushed. That was a new one for me but informative.
Thank you Heidi, for your powerfully provocative articles! In the context of this article, I wonder if you’ve ever considered substituting the word ‘desired’ for ‘good,’ and similarly, ‘feared’ for ‘ugly.’ The pursuit of intimacy drives me to look for root motivation, and the terms ‘good’ and ‘ugly’ are rather charged in our language, and often not particularly revealing. Labeling characteristics as ‘good’ and ‘ugly’ signal to me, there is another level to be discovered. Curious what your experience is / has been.
I love your articles, I find them super interesting and insightful, do you think you could do something like this that relates to adhd, I often struggle in relationships do to having issues self soothing and dealing with difficult emotions due to emotional dysregulation, I was wondering if you could do a article about this?
This is a great article. But the difficulty with all of this I think, is that to reach that 3rd relational stage requires vulnerability. And vulnerability runs counter to what is most coveted in society when it comes to relationships: confidence. I just don’t see how you can reconcile the two, which means you either never reach the 3rd stage or you make an attempt to do so, but the other person finds your vulnerability and attempt at deeper intimacy to be a turn off.
I’d say my ex-wife, if she understood the term “emotionally available” would have somewhat correctly applied that term to me. OTOH, she too was somewhat emotionally unavailable and that worked okay for me. What did NOT work okay with me was that she was NOT “safe”. I pride myself on being a “black hole” for others. If they share in confidence it will never be repeated. With my ex- it was near impossible to share “the basement” as it would have immediately been shared with her gf’s. So what she wanted and needed she could neither provide nor support. But I’m the “narcissist”. 😒
I used horse-whispering to increase physical intimacy with my partner. The technique is simple. We gradually increase proximity towards the subject, until the point when they begin to panic (their borderline) but before they do, we withdraw and quickly introduce a pleasurable stimulus. Humans don’t respond as well as horses to actual carrots though – chocolate worked better. Then we go the other way – we can draw their interest from afar and they will approach to their own comfort. Then we leave a treat and walk away. In a relationship the insecure person panics if their partner moves too far away, as well as too near. So in this case i would hover at the maximum distance until she seemed unsure, then zoom in with a surprise and then go to middle distance. I reached the point where i could give her little kisses – and these had a delayed reaction when she felt the kiss moments later. She began doing the same to me, reaching out in new ways. When her attachment style shifted after therapy, she became like a new born lamb, evolving her own expressions that were much more powerful than anything ive experienced in my life. ❤
I think this is great advice for friend relationships regardless of gender pairing. The problem is that Evel Knievel could not clear the gap between what women say they want from an intimate partner and what they are actually sexually attracted to. Heterosexual women will absolutely friend zone a man who brings vulnerable, feminine energy. Women want men who can and do handle problems without falling apart. That is someone they can look up to. Encouraging men to be more like women and women to be like men is not working for anyone.
This all needs to be taken with a HUGE caveat- do NOT share these details with your life with someone you don’t know if you can 100% trust. Sharing all the intimate details of your thoughts and feelings with the wrong people is infinitely worse than keeping things surface level and not having deep intimacy with most people.
I also wanted to add that the other side of media is people over share their deep emotional stuff. They have an issue finding a real way to deal with emotions or self regulating their emotions so they share on a platform. I see both sides the perception of being perfect or the over sharing of deep personal emotions to literally everyone they ever knew is probably not healthy habits and it has become the norm. Being able to deal with the emotion privately or with one close person or not sharing private stuff or trying to make the partner mad through social media is so wrong I have shut down every thing that includes scrolling. I see it as so unhealthy to only see what my family or friends do but they never message anymore personally to me it is naturally narcissistic to expect likes and loves on posts about your own life but never reach out it’s the opposite of genuine and intimate which is I guess why I despise it in a way. I think a group text with my family is so much better. They share a picture then I do and we all laugh or talk. The big platform is unhealthy on so many levels
I feel it does take two make. a marriage work like showing each other intimacy! I know it’s not easy being married and one spouse is interested showing intimacy! I love showing’ giving intimacy ! My wife and I will be celebrating 33 years of marriage next month! I lay in our bed wishing my wife could show me intimacy!!
To be honest, this article made me feel very uncomfortable in the pit of my stomach. I thought of myself as a fairly “open book.” But listening to your words, the thought of intimacy on such a level truthfully, scares me a lot. I would consider myself to be codependent with abandonment issues. Ideally, I would like to think of myself as a very open communicator, but apparently I’m extremely afraid of showing my true self and of having the other person reflect back what they truly feel about me. I’d rather give the image that I am OK instead of actually being OK.
7:30 there should be a level 0 to this now – memes. Seriously, for the longest time I’ve had a massive grudge against people who I generally have nothing against, maybe even like, and they just send me memes, stickers that are just goofy and/or say “Hi”. And that’s the only way we interact, maybe for years. So, instead of evolving, we kinda devolved a little bit xD Or has it always been there? I think these “zero calories” interactions used to not take up time, they just didn’t exist because people like that had no way to stay in touch – it used to be “out of sight – out of mind”. But today I have neither the casus belle to break it off, nor have I got enough patience to respond/ send my own memes back. And I’m noticing that it takes a lot of time out of my day to just clear the inbox from unreads. I’ll just send them your article with the 0 level rendition of mine.
I think you might be overthinking this. Think of the nervous system as a binary. A person is either in a state of connection or a state of defence/protection. You cant do them both at the same time. Animals prior to mammals view others of their kind as a threat (unless they want to eat them or mate with them). Mammals have a unique adaptation that allows us to down regulate threat using the mechanism of connection. If we understand this we can start to (re)explore the trust/joy experience of connection. But first we have to understand where our defence comes from.
Heidi thanks so much for your content. I find that when I am able to be truly intimate and to invite my partner/close friend to do the same, I am often told “I don’t want to discuss anything heavy”. So intimacy is seen as burdensome, and I am often shamed for my bid to create by being told ” you are too intense”. Any thoughts on what to do in such situations?
As hard as it might be to voice your thoughts to someone on the Relational level, what seems even harder is to listen empathetically to someone being so honest and vulnerable. Even in Heidi’s multiple examples, the things she’s saying can be interpreted as criticism from her and the listener then will make defensive remarks rather than trying to understand more deeply what the person is saying and feeling. Maybe if more people were willing to listen with empathy, more people would find it easier to move to the Relational. Does anyone know if Heidi has done any articles on how to listen compassionately or with empathy to another person?