To grow closer in marriage, spend more time together, move into each other’s space, move away from discomfort, move away from criticism, and move out of harmful places. Intimacy is a process of discovery with another, and to love with God’s love in your marriage, you need to be connected to Him and placed spiritually to your spouse.
In Thomas’ book Sacred Marriage, learning to love, bonding through physical intimacy, and fireside chats are some ways to strengthen your relationship. Engaging in frank discussions and sharing activities to increase intimacy can help you and your partner grow closer.
Marriage counseling questions can help spark new conversations and encourage your partner to take the first step toward trying something new. Share with a friend, make time for deeply emotional conversations, and read books like Micah Klug’s “Simple Ways for Couples to Grow Closer to God and to Each Other” for a better marriage or to feel perturbed in marriage.
📹 how to exit your LUKEWARM ERA: how to get closer to God, disciplined, and on fire for Jesus❤️🔥
How to exit your LUKEWARM ERA: how to get closer to God, disciplined, and on fire for Jesus❤️join the community: …
How do you build closeness in a marriage?
4 ways to improve emotional intimacy: Be vulnerable to earn their trust. … Tell your partner you love them every day. … Make sex a priority. … Try something new. When we think of intimacy in a romantic partnership, we usually think of physical acts like holding hands, cuddling, kissing, and even sex. Physical intimacy is important in any romantic partnership. Emotional intimacy is just as important. What is emotional intimacy and why is it important? “Emotional intimacy is connecting with your partner in a deeper way through actions that express feelings, vulnerabilities, and trust,” says Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in New York City and faculty member in Columbia University’s clinical psychology Ph.D. program. “Part of a relationship is sharing secrets, talking about your relationship, and telling your partner important news. Couples are happier when they can understand each other. Emotional intimacy makes you feel safe and allows you to be yourself without worrying about losing your partner. Without this intimacy, a relationship struggles. You might feel bitter, resentful, insecure, or alone.
How to fix intimacy issues?
Listen to your partner without judging them. … Think about why you feel disconnected in your emotional and sexual relationship. … Make it safe and easy to talk. … Set and respect boundaries. Intimacy issues can take many forms. Some people think of intimacy as sex, while others think of it as emotional closeness with a romantic partner. From what intimacy is to how love should be expressed, misunderstanding can cause problems in relationships. Read on to learn more about intimacy issues with your partner. Are emotional intimacy issues affecting your relationship? What is intimacy? Physical, emotional, and sexual intimacy. Intimacy is about connecting with and relating to others. It can take many forms, depending on the relationship.
How to connect with your partner on a deeper level?
To connect emotionally, you need to empathize, listen, communicate, share experiences, and trust. Being present, showing appreciation, and spending time together can also create a deeper emotional connection.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Sometimes, one spouse leaves the other suddenly. The other spouse is shocked. This is called “walkaway wife syndrome.” This term is used for when a spouse, often the wife, feels alone, neglected, and resentful in a bad marriage and decides to leave. What is walkaway wife syndrome? The term “walkaway wife syndrome” suggests a sudden decision, but it often comes after a long period of conflict. The divorce takes years to happen. After trying to get her spouse to deal with their relationship issues, the wife finally decides it’s pointless. She has thought about her options and is ready to leave the marriage.
How to fix a marriage after growing apart?
Talk about your concerns, spend time together, support each other, and have fun. Couples therapy helps couples communicate better and solve problems.
Know the signs you’re growing apart. Growing apart is one of the main reasons relationships fail. A study of British couples found that 39% of men and 36% of women cited growing apart as the reason for their relationship ending. Growing apart is the main reason for breakups. It’s more common than arguments, unfaithfulness, and lack of appreciation.
How can I feel more connected in my marriage?
10 ways to connect with your partner: 1) Respond to your partner. … 2) Hug when you reunite. 3) Have a nighttime routine. … 4) Connect before you get out of bed. 5) Reach out at work. … 6) Be nice. … 7) Appreciate. … 8) Take time for yourself. Couples live together but don’t know much about each other. Partners see each other often, but don’t have time for an adult conversation. It’s okay! Life happens! The start of a new year is a good time to think about personal growth. This year, include your partner in your goals to improve your relationship. Tell your partner how you want to connect with them more this year. Use this list as a guide for ideas. Start with 2 or 3 ways to improve with your partner. Then, as these connections become habits, add more. Connecting with your partner makes your relationship happier and more intimate. This is perfect for Valentine’s Day next month! What ways can you connect with your spouse each day?
How to become closer in marriage?
Be vulnerable to build closer relationships. … Appreciate. … Communicate often. … Intimacy. … Try new relationship ideas. … Love your partner for who they are. … Take time for yourself. … Get help. It’s easy to put off working on your relationship. You tell yourself you’ll talk to your partner after your big work presentation or after vacation. If you want to build a closer relationship with your partner or address arguments, there are eight ways to do so. 1. Be open. Vulnerability is a popular topic in mental health. You probably know the benefits of being vulnerable. What is vulnerability? What does it look like in practice?
How to tell if you’ve grown apart?
If you’re spending less time together, keeping secrets, thinking about how things used to be, or making big decisions without consulting your partner, it might mean you’ve grown apart. As we age, our personalities and interests change. Many long-term relationships break down because both partners fail to adjust to changes in the relationship. We often hear the phrase “grown apart.” Can this be avoided? Good communication and care help couples grow together. This is one of the secrets to a happy, long-lasting relationship. Why do couples grow apart? We change as we grow. Our work and social lives influence us. As we age, we change. It’s a natural part of life. Couples grow apart when one or both partners don’t keep up with changes.
Is it normal to grow apart from your husband?
Couples grow apart for many reasons. Four of the most common are unresolved conflict, routine, changing priorities, and general absence. There are some changes you can make in your relationship to help, including talking about it or being more spontaneous and romantic. Couples therapy can help improve closeness in a constructive and sustainable way. It’s an painful process. You’re haunted by memories of a relationship that’s over. Over time, he’s become more like a friend or roommate than a boyfriend, partner, or spouse.
How do couples grow closer?
Try to avoid distractions and interruptions when you’re with your partner. “Try to spend at least an hour a week together, but if you can spend two hours together each week, that’s even better,” says Amias. If you want to reconnect with your partner, a grand gesture might help. And it can. However, experts say the little things matter most. “People think grand gestures like second honeymoons and big vacations are essential to avoid growing apart,” says Larissa House, a licensed clinical social worker in Los Angeles. “How couples treat each other every day helps them stay connected.”
How to deepen intimacy?
Intimacy takes time. Celebrate your relationship. … Talk about your feelings and needs. Make time for intimacy. … Your relationship will have ups and downs. … Be grateful for your relationship. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with your partner is one of the best things about a relationship. You should also think about how to share intimacy without sex. Intimacy in a relationship takes work. It takes time to build trust and intimacy. Abuse or violence destroys trust and intimacy, which means the relationship is in trouble.
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Can time apart fix a marriage?
In the first year of marriage, couples go into the honeymoon phase for about a year. It’s a time to learn to be a couple. They’re in their own world. It’s a good time; everything is new and everybody is happy. Many couples make the mistake of doing everything together. Spending time apart can strengthen your marriage. Studies show that depending on your spouse to fulfill all your needs doesn’t work. Don’t try to be the perfect partner if you want a strong and healthy marriage. Time for yourself refreshes you and makes you a better partner. There are lots of ways to spend personal time. It could be working out, reading, or relaxing in the bath. Your alone time affects your together time. Healthy couples need other friendships and connections, whether with other couples or in groups. Most couples find that friends make them happier. You can find other friendships in your community. Try your church, the YMCA, the library, the local coffee shop, a social club, or a sport activity. You’ll find people with similar interests. It could be a group of moms who run at the track on Saturday mornings or a group of guys who meet every week over breakfast. Small groups can be a source of support. If you feel welcomed, challenged, and accepted, you will be stronger and more confident in your personal life and in your marriage.
📹 How To Get Closer To A Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style | Romantic Relationship Advice
— What are Dismissive Avoidants I hear you ask? Check out our playlist here to find out more about them …
1:16 -3:12 Her testimony\r 3:12-5:18 Recommit to God\r 5:18-6:46 How to stop sinning\r 6:46-8:48 Dealing with temptation\r 8:58-11:23 Music, movies and tv\r 11:23-13:10 Choose your friends wisely\r 13:10-14:58 finding christian community\r 14:58-15:42 how to know God personally\r 15:42-16:42 Bible study for beginners\r 15:42-19:23 prayer tips\r 19:23-21:35 Being disciplined
I’m currently 40 and I came to Jesus and got batized in Dec 2021, I didnt even believe in God and had no other religion, so it’s never late! Living with Jesus has set me free from the sins, wrong mindset, worldly friendships… I thought I knew what life was but the Holy Spirit showed me the truth about everything! Just cant believe how I was able to live without God for that long!
❤️🔥 I’m trying to grow my relationship with Jesus. My parents are Christian but they personally don’t like to go to church so I made the decision that I would be going by myself on Sundays because I really want to get to know Him and take action in my beliefs!! Im going to church for the first time this Sunday im so excited to finally get to go
Ashley, I cannot thank you enough for your content. I started following you back before I was Christian when I was living a life of sin. God was calling me and you were one of the ways he reached me. I remember perusal your articles and feeling connected to them, and I believe you, along with other people, planted seeds for me. I’m now at a point where I am fully submersed in my faith and love for Jesus. Thank you so much. Also this article is so good <3
I used to go to this church that didn’t help me grow. some of the pastors put politics in their messages, and I felt like an outcast in the youth group because no one wanted to hang out with the lukewarm (baby Christens is what my bf calls us lol) kids. because of that, I never get that since of community that I needed. I had a tug on my heart to move churches but at the same time I was struggling with my faith. I started to look like everyone else and almost rejected God all together. Then I met my boyfriend and he saw me for who I was and not this version of myself I made it was crazy, but I know God put him in my life for a reason. I have now moved churches, and my eyes opened to see so much I didn’t know about being a God follower. I now play DnD with other Christens, and I’m starting to build a community with them. I’ve truly changed as a person because I’m slowly growing in my relationship with him, because I finally have the tools I need.
Perfect timing, I got born again last year was on fire for god, been dealing with schizophrenia and being in and out of hospitals, since being put on meds I’ve felt different more lukewarm haven’t read my bible or prayed. Ur website is a light in the dark tunnel for me reminds me no matter my mistakes he is there and I can start over again.
I come back to this article whenever I need to refresh myself and remind myself how to commit my life to God again. I used to straight up reject God due to personal trauma that had christianity unfortunately tied to it in some aspects. I am trying to rekindle my faith and rebuild a relationship but it wasn’t until recently that I decided I needed to really commit to the path because I realized I was lukewarm out of fear of being vulnerable again. Thank you for the advice! I’m definitely more confident in my commitment now!
It’s been few months and I don’t feel like praying worshipping or anything. I feel so empty inside no one to talk to or share my struggles with. I have no close friends and I don’t even know how to talk to God about what am going through. Everytime I try to pray or put on some worship songs I feel nothing. I saw your article today morning when I opened youtube I ignored it and same thing in the evening I opened youtube again and your article was still first to see. I believe it’s for a great reason. Dear sister and youtube family kindly pray for me and advice me please. God bless you
Thank you so much Ashley for these tips. I have been struggling with being a Lukewarm Christian but, now I am going to put these tips into effect just as God wants me to do. We all appreciate all that you do! May God bless you and please keep creating more content like this for us all. God bless you and may you have a great upcoming week! ❤🔥
one thing that has always been helpful for me in my lukewarm seasons is reminding myself why I do all these things to get closer to God. it’s not because I want to be a “good Christian,” it’s because doing things like reading the Bible, praying, and following God’s commandments as best I can shows me God’s character in a way I can’t understand if I don’t engage with Him on a consistent basis. I used to just go through the motions to look good from the outside and make everyone think I was great and I barely sinned at all, but I realized that’s not the point of doing all these things – it’s actually to know God better and build that personal relationship with my literal Creator. switching my mindset helped me so much to build discipline and stoke a fire for Jesus and getting to know Him so maybe it’ll help some of you too 🙂 Jesus loves you no matter how “good” or “bad” of a Christian or person you think you are and so do I <3
I feel like I am conforming to the ways people behave, and the relationships I have with them because I feel hopeful that they will change for the better. Although it’s not a bad thought, I feel that I have been focusing on their lives & being engrossed in their worldly activities, even though I avoid participating. I think subliminally, I have been allowing myself to slip up more, even when I feel the discrenment not to. It feels like i avoid alot of things I used to do to feel Christ, and sometimes I question my faith & relationship with God, as I don’t feel that i reflect the words I say about how He impacted my life. I want it to be real, not just something that helped me cope in a part of my life, I want to be steadfast in Him, not get affected when my past mistakes or self has been brought up; I want to know with Jesus. with all that said, this is probably the most intentional action I had about my faith in awhile.
❤️🔥This is a total word in season for a lot of us. I felt convicted about not getting out there in Christian community and what I watch (i.e. tv shows, movies, YouTube, etc.). Your articles have helped me in my walk with God. I got a one year Bible last year and no I haven’t read it in a year. But I am spending time with God daily. It was a process! It me took months to be consistent, focused, and quiet. After a year or so of spending time with Him daily, I can testify that it made a huge difference in my life. I will not let anything or anyone come between my time with Him. If I have to wake up earlier I will because there’s nothing like His presence. He is so good! If you’ve been struggling, I’ve been there! I think we all have. Just start one day and a time. No condemnation if you miss a day here or there. Just keep seeking Him and you will find Him. He promised it in His word. And what He says He does. Love you sisters in Christ! ❤
Hey Ashley! I just want to thank you. First of all: i´m from Germany so please forgive the broken English. I want to thank you, because of you i finally decided to study the bible and want to have a relationship with Jesus. I brought my first bible a few days ago and your guides and articles really helped me to make a plan and get going. You´re such an inspiration! Only Love – Leonie
Thanks Ashley for your encouragement. I write songs so this reminds me to give it all for the glory of God and make songs for Him or clean, encouraging music. How I study the Bible.. I mix it up. At times I would read a chapter or a verse and focus on that, then the next day I would look up or think of a topic I’d like to delve into and find a couple verses related to that topic (Eg. inspiration, doing life with God) and reflect on them and how I can apply them to my life, friendships and relationship with the Lord. I have friends that are both secular and believers. Just going to pray that the ones who haven’t found God would want to be reached by Him.
Girl thank you for sharing this wonderful advice! I’m making it a point to draw closer to God EVERYDAY, because I realize how important it is for us to connect with Him DAILY. I have stepped out of my lukewarm-ness about 4 months ago, but still wanted to watch the article and hear what you had to say about it. The Lord spoke to me through it. I realize the amount of influence my friends and family have on me, so I will make sure to surround myself with Godly people and with His help, I can bring my friends closer to Christ. Thank you for sharing! ❤️🔥
Iam 10 years old only and I really want to get close with God because I fall into many sins and now this day I realized that I need to get closer with God because the day that Jesus will come is veryy soon so today this day I will get closer with God so please pray for me to get closer with God and have a everlasting life with him
I just turned 17 and went to church on Easter for the first time in a really long time and I truly feel I was touched by the Holy Spirit that day and ever since then I have decided I wanted to get to know God more and grow my relationship with him and it’s definitely been a bit of a struggle but I won’t be giving up💕💕
thank you so much ashley for this article. I have been struggling with the “disease” of lukewarmness and i realized its because i had ” friends” in my life who negatively influenced me. I could never find a quality christian friends that were not content to just have ” christian” on the instagram profile. You inspired my to start a chat where teen girls can connect. Thank you so much. God bless you!
I’m 13, I would usually ask myself if I know him personally or not or do the right things. Despite being Catholic, this article made me understand a few bit things especially to stop surrounding myself with lukewarm people. I, myself, have a lot of lukewarm friends both online and real life. Including my classmates and maybe my family. Good enough, I only made two friends who aren’t lukewarm and one is older by 19 and I’m not sure about the other. It’s hard for me to find a Christian or Catholic community. Thank you for this article.
Ashley, thank you! This is exactly the same pattern I am dealing with. I have a divided heart and I am really struggling. This was an answered prayer. I know that it’s all in and Gods way or the other way. I have been looking for things that fill the void, but nothing does. It’s been hard and I would appreciate prayer. ❤
Thank you for sharing this article Ashley 💖 As a Catholic, I believe that in order for our sins to be forgiven, we must go to confession. It’s one thing to acknowledge our sins to ourselves, but confessing them to a priest is a different matter. It can be difficult to do in the sense that you’re admitting to someone of all the wrongs you have done, but it is very much worth it because it brings a sense of freedom and helps us to stay in a state of grace. If anyone is interested, to name a few, this is what the bible says about confession: – Mark 1:5 – Matthew 3:6 – James 5:16 – 1 John 1:9 – Acts 19:18 v
Hey Ashley! I just came across you page when I searched how to improve prayer. I loved this article and it honestly felt like you knew ME and were specifically speaking to me you answered all my questions. I was wondering if you could or maybe you already have make a article on how to specifically find things in the Bible and how to understand it I’m on my journey with God and I’m so ready to repent and really give myself to him but when it comes to reading the Bible I feel completely lost I don’t understand any of it. TIA ❤️
I am 12 and i was baptised on the 2 march 2024 the day my mom almost died but the God i serve showed himself and my mom survived a car crash with no injuries amen to God he is 100% real i would have been a motherless but the evil plans of the ememy satan had no control no power he wanted this to happen but God saved her i just thank God my one and only God✝️
Why am I actually willing to listen to this whole article? A whole fam full of Christians turned away from Jesus and lash out at me for continuing to be Christian….husband, mother, kid brother, all 3 sons….why does it have to get physical and verbal just bc I want to hold onto God… Being a Christian is so lonely when you try to make things in life work, when you stay just to try to be a light like we are supposed to… All I genuinely have is Jesus, 1 brother and 4 Christian girlfriends from different countries. Guess year 44 is my year to close off and just focus on letting Jesus heal me and more than anything choose to mature and grow.
Am 18 and I really need help with my christian life, my mum literally begs me to go to church or pray. Infact I will just leave home with the pretence of going to church and go elsewhere. And I really want to stop that and move closer to God, he has always been so good to me . And I want to serve him more . And live a better life where people see the lord on me .
I literally just sinned like today. I hate sinning. And I feel bad. I’ll be 16 this Wednesday, and I’m struggling with sin and having unbelief. But I’ve been slowly trying to get out of this awful temptation. Especially with Satan. I dont want him to have a hold on me. I *NEED* God’s help. Only God can provide that full fulfillment. I *NEED* to commit.
Everyday If I go somewhere or if im talking to someone or come across anything; I say to myself ” Would God say this?”, ” Would God do this?” or ” Would God act like this or say this?”…If you do this and keep these in your mind before you speak, think or act…You will be on the right track and always have God abiding in your mind❤ Because this works for me.
I have a relationship with the LORD at school and at home but because of my friends and temptation, I might say a crude joke and then be like “lemme stop” or in my head I would realize that joke was probably wrong in Gods eyes and I would ask God for forgiveness BUT I WOULD STULL FEEL GUILTY. I just feel like crying
I just recently came across a reel of yours that I led me to follow you on instagram and then days later your youtube article popped up and I watched the whole thing and it didn’t even resonate with me that I just followed you on instagram until the end of your article! I love the content I’ve seen from you thus far may God continue to bless others through you! <3
You are the best. I saw you on youtube shorts and now i get to watch your vidoes! I fell back into sin at 12 years old after two years of not doing it. I was saved from my suicidal thoughts at 13 years old. Now 14 I feel this hunger and thirst to get to know God. God has saved me and is still helping me with the temptation to go back to that sin. I feel like I am not doing enough. I feel like I am lukewarm and not doing enough. You have really helped. I feel sad I didn’t get to know him when I was younger. But I have learned Gods timing is perfect! Though I live in the state of Mormons and we go to church evey sunday and I just do not know if it is the right religion. Especially because of what my ward and maybe othere wards as well, are accepting. Sorry I went rambling but I just wanted to say thank you for helping me and I pray for those who need help. May God bless you all! ❤️🔥
I do all of the things that build me up in the Christian community. I go to church, go to camps, bible studies. But the thing is is that a LOT of people who go to these functions too, are there for parties, boys etc. My best friend went to a beach camp over the summer that was a church beach camp and she had loads of fun feelin Jesus, and one of her highschool friends and her friends all went and wore cheeky bikinis and hungout with the boys, did not participate in anything Christ realated and were super fake. I have finally found the best friend of my life though. She has brought me closer to god and shown me good creation amd i am forever grateful.❤️🔥
Great title for me to click onto. I kept asking God to remove barriers to be transformed and live as an example of His son. Yet I kept putting up new barriers. I realized I was fighting against my Lord, kicking and screaming for the very changing He was trying to create in me. Now I’m ready to remove the barriers. Thank you for this article, you help me see this realization. May the Lord bless you and yours. ~*Shana signing out
❤️🔥 God bless you for speaking the truth! It was something I really needed to hear myself. I have been walking with the Lord for years but in the last few I have strayed so far it feels like and I have been trying to get close to Him again but was holding on to too much of my own desires. Your article called me out on a lot of things I have been doing wrong and I am so thankful to be hearing it. Thank you! And God bless you!!! 💜
Thank you so much for making this article! It’s something that I really needed to hear! I’ve come to realize that all the things that I thought made me “happy” actually drained me. I’ve struggled with being lukewarm for a while, and I’m so tired of it. Your article has encouraged me to seek God wholeheartedly. I am excited to rededicate my life to Him❤🔥
You were the answer to a prayer i had, i just want to say thank you and i have a whole messege im going to share to my church bc of what you said. I was painting a picture about 2nd corinthians 5:17 and literally while i was doing it you had mentioned that verse! It was so wild to me, and you perfectly described my situation after you were talking about the verse. Praise Jesus❤
🔥❤ That was all I needed to hear today 😭 I am struggling, being a lukewarm, plus battling OCD, my family is having relationship issues. It’s a spiritual battle, for sure. I don’t want to be the same person that I WAS. Praise the Lord for this article! Never stop fighting the good fight, Ashley! ❤ You are a blessing!
❤🔥, I just started reading the Bible yesterday, weeks before it I started questioning on how and where to start, so I looked at other christian influencers to find some what of a guideline looking at articles, listening to podcasts until I bought my own bible. I also looked at different bibles, tried to understand the differences, so that I now own my own first woman study bible. I would say though that the interest and urge to find out more and me being fascinated by it started a few months ago until the thought became bigger and bigger in my head. I want to find the true love and relationship with god, although it has been hard vocalizing that with my surroundings. I’m happy to be here and hope to find my way to god, which is why Im very thankful for finding your article and any help that I can get❤❤
This article totally changed my perspective. I’ve only recently come back to Christianity and my thoughts have been things like “I’m not ready to be fully Christian yet” or “it’s not that serious”. I’m realizing now that those thoughts are stopping me from being my best self. I’m going to make a real effort to know God now.
❤️🔥❤️🔥.. wow.. God put you in my homepage for a reason. I have been spending time with Jesus more and more lately. I read the bible at a specific time during the mornings. I would be talking to him as if he’s really there (though i know he is)..😅😅 but you do really make great points. I will go and check out your spotify playlist too. ❤
O my gosh, thank you so much for this article!!! Im struggling with laziness and procrastinating rn, and these topics were so relate able and just good for me to hear again, TYSM for the advice! Also-Please pray for me guys that I can find Christian friends someday and actually have a good support system!😊😊
Such a genuine relatable article. I am right there in the same area of life just crossed over actually…Was living in sin..unaware been praying with hope. Finally on God’s timing I was redeemed. God gave me wisdom answered prayers led me to articles..saw this one..felt right I watched it, loved it! Relate to it. Thank you! ❤❤️🔥
❤️🔥 i’m 13 and am starting to realize how wicked this world can be. And it makes me sad to know that some of my friends are living lukewarm. They go to a Christian school and say that they know God but their actions don’t show it. they’re even homosexual 🙁 it grieves me so much to see that they just keep falling deeper and deeper into sin. they’ve been through a lot of painful experiences 😢 it also grieves me that they are suicidal, or atleast they say they are (they have some scars on their body) this article is so helpful to me because i’m really trying to grow closer to God and raise my voice to spread the Gospel to people like my friends and family ✨ so thank you and God bless you!!! 💖
hi ashley so ive been Christian my whole life grew up in a orthodox Christian household but i wasnt rlly loving God. recently i decided to change my ways and start growing closer 2 God and i have to christan friend but she was lukewarm so literally right now i texted her explaining everything and i got her to change her ways and start being closer to God!!
Oo! 1:46 the line about having no problem going to church hungover 🥴😖… this is a article I’ve been putting off perusal for a few months now but somehow has managed to stay near the top of my “true crime” feed. I almost drove by “I’ll watch it later” but you instantly dropped relatable bars and I’m just going to switch off this engine and park this car here 🍿.
This is so timely because I just made the journey back to church in September after 5 years away. Tonight I’m heading to my first Bible Study in SO LONG! I’m nervous, but know it’s so important and think it’s going to be good. Can’t wait to meet new people, start building new, godly relationships, and study the Word together 😊
Super encouraging!! One thing I’ve learned in the last few years is that what we moderns call “recommitment” or “rededication” is, in other words, “repentance.” As Christian’s, we ain’t perfect, but our lives ought to be marked by repentance-both from big sins and little. Love your encouragement sister!
thank you for some thoughts on what i went thru and struggle with, i dont struggle with partying or drinking stuff like that its mostly my time with God. with current events unfolding i truly believe rapture is coming soon and the antichrist is among us.we need to ready ourselves spiritually for his coming.
And again (sorry!), I also have a big fear of water and holding my breath since when I first swam, I nearly drowned and that just scarred me but I really want to get baptised. This one girl on social media came for me, started putting me down and straight on bullied me (she was a Christian btw) because I was spreading misinfo because I genuinely thought getting baptised wasn’t essential and showing God your true intentions was. But I was wrong but then I got upset about the things she said and I just broke down at night. But now, my goal is to get baptised soon (hopefully later in the year) and to overcome that fear <3!
Hey Ash, first of your articles I have come across! Love it! Quick Question: I am in this season of really changing from being Lukewarm and I feel quite isolated. I have attempted church a couple times however I really find a lot of churches are full of lukewarm Christian’s and when I have shared that I am really trying to know God and out him first they kinda think I’m being arrogant or patronising. Do you have any tips or suggestions and how to better explain “Being a serious” Christian rather than someone who was christened at birth and claims to be on the same page😂 I’m trying to be honest but also approachable!
I am 25 and it was Just 1,5 years ago when I realised that God IS actually real. Somehow I thought that realisation would be enough for me to become a good Christian – but I am still struggling. I don’t read my Bible every day, I don’t even pray every day and I have pretty much already failed this Lent. The only thing I Somehow manage to do is Go to church every sunday and Sometimes even a second time during the week. But I don’t prioritize God the way I should be. I scroll through Instagram – knowing that I could spend time with Jesus right now, but I stay on Insta… I wish to turn this around in this season of my life. I hate being luke-warm – but it seems like I don’t hate it enough – or I don’t love God enough? 😔 I feel like a failure, Not gonna lie
For a DA sometimes falling in love is like shaking a snow globe. Their old stuff (wounds/patterns) get shaken up, activated, and they can cope with that activation the only way they know how, with their coping tools (defense mechanisms). It just feels like “how to do life.” When a DA says “I can’t give you what you want” etc. They realize they have only ever solved stuff on their own. So, they are treating the “conflict” in the relationship as problem you must figure out on your own. They are taking a two-person job and turning it into a one-person job. That’s how they have survived being left along with big feelings in their childhood. Both people should look at their shaken snow globes and ask: What old stories are getting activated in me? What am I afraid of? What does the other person remind me of in this moment? To become emotionally mature and available, you must move from the solo mindset to relational…the willingness to grow is needed on both sides!
6 years with a DA and tried so hard to be understanding and considerate. Truly loved her with all my heart. Compromised who I am and put my needs aside to accommodate her “attachment style”. Most toxic thing one can deal with. Completely undermined my self worth. I’ve come to the conclusion that its just a pretty label to excuse selfish behavior. The good news is I know to never even attempt to get involved with another DA. They’re not interested in working on themselves but rather expect you to bend over backwards. No thanks.
1. We all have principles of connection. We open up about our fears and vulnerability. Learn to take someone else into consideration, is a healthy way to build trust. Start off, “I’m not going anywhere..these are a couple of things I think would BUILD our relationship. Needs change depending on stage. The vulnerability phase is all about acceptance. 2. Actively say I know you need time alone…what you need to do is understand and then negotiate. You need this much space and I need this. Negotiate. 3. They really like certainty and clarity, fun and have things light. 4. Honest straight forewared and clear, and then acknowledge. 5. DA’s like gifts women more than men. 6. Hey what runs you the wrong way in relationship- often it’s losing their autonomy. Say I hear you. 7. Boundaries, conflict resolution and communication.
As a DA, it’s a little funny that the person I am dating is already doing most of the things you have mentioned without thinking about it, and I guess that’s why I feel so… At ease with him. I don’t feel stressed or suffocated, I feel supported and safe or once. It feels like I can finally let my guard down a little…
Move on and live YOUR best life. Tip-toeing around a DA is exhausting and a compromise to your own secure attachment. Its all about their need to control everything that touches their world. They dispose of anyone who wants any level of reciprocity in the relationship and they habitually lie to avoid accountability. Its their way or the highway and they have no interest in meeting your needs. A serious waste of time. I tried it all and learned that my time is better spent enriching my own life.
I was so patient and kind and compassionate with my DA. I tried so very hard to make him feel safe. And he did feel safe. But ironically that was the exact moment he left. He has looked back and still does once in a while, but despite being open and affable towards him, he still runs away from me. I’m heartbroken.
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. I was friend zoned early on but eventually broke through. We lived together then apart, broke up then back, been married now divorced. After 18 months apart we’ve been back together for 5 months. Since I have found your articles I now see some of what the problems are and were. I’m very much an Anxious preoccupied. I find myself physically anxious when she is needing space. It’s now giving me thoughts that I’ve spent 10 years trying to make something work that never will.
I am SO GLAD I found you omg. My bf is DA and I am secure recovered anxious. I literally now understand why he keeps wanting short very suspicious conversations about deep topics and I had already workshoped “confidence breadcrumbs ” to boost him but in a breadcrumb. All well and good but I didn’t UNDERSTAND it I felt groping around in the dark. I am 100% going ro take notes and perhaps take a course. He’s a good egg. I am versed in psychology ( I used to lecture in bio psychology and change) and I was familiar with the main attachment archetypes but not in this depth.
I wish I had known this stuff years ago. I learned about how they are… in terms of need for space and autonomy, not naturally being empathetic or the tendency to move into intellect before emotions, but I had no idea it was about attachment style. This whole time I thought it was due to excessive recreational computer time making it so they didn’t develop in some areas. Now I see it precedes computer use and that activity is part of their self soothing. But I lashed out sometimes feeling less important to them than socializing on screen.
I have a DA friend, but it only works because I met him in high school and have known him forever. If I had to try to make friends with him as an adult in normal adult social settings, it would never happen. I’d just have no idea if he actually liked me or not. That being said, he’s one of my favorite people, and I’m glad we have the little friendship that we have 😊
The DA I was with, would communicate compromises and then just do whatever he felt like doing. Any time i would ask to talk, or understand his space and try to come back after a week to talk about an argument, he would still avoid it and be shut down. My boundaries were constantly walked over and i had to get a lock for my door because he kept taking my stuff without permission.
Yikes. I’m in this two year relationship with a DA. My attachment style is secure. I’m exhausted by this. My big heart is just exhausted by this. Why can’t we just (after two years) just fall into bed together, laughing, loving, kissing, looking into one another’s eyes, say “I love you.” ? I deserve that. My secure attachment style deserves that. After two years of being dismissed, I’m done with this. I deserve to be loved.
Thank you for this article. I’m currently Anxious Preoccupied and she’s a DA. She’s recognized the problem and started putting a wall but the wall is still not fully up yet as she is willing to fight to help herself become secure and save our relationship at the same time. This motivated me to do the same and that’s when I found out I got many issues myself that I need to work on. I want to be a better person for me now and also learn to understand and fulfill both of our needs in a healthy way.
The issue is that they dont communicate their needs and want to leave rather than wanting to work it out hence avoidant (you talked about this in other articles. Self sabotage, avoidant in social media or games or drugs, thinking that it was the other persons issue, phantom ex, it wouldnt work out anyway etc)
0:53 – take them into consideration when talking to them, if you both know what the other has wounds around, take care to not overstep that. Explicar que tenho feridas em relação a ser abandonada e indesejada em criança, e pedir que nunca me ignore quando lhe faço um bid for connection. 3:30 – say that you know what they need, validate, support it, but negotiate a compromise that works for both. They feel safe to open if the conversation is safe and consistent, and if they know what you need. Acts of service is best for men. “What rubs you the wrong way.” – so they open up about their fears/triggers
The odds are against it turning into a healthy relationship. Sorry, but hoping that things will improve with the DA if only you do this, or do that, is a fool’s errand. You can bet that few DAs are on here perusal articles on how to change their insecure attachment style while we see how else we can bend to their wants and problems like a pretzel. If they can’t show up in a relationship as a healthy person, give them space by leaving. I wasted three years of my life trying to heal someone when it wasn’t my job to do so.
I like compliments when they’re true. If my boss tells me he likes having me as a worker because I’m consistent and I’m not gonna slack I appreciate it. I’m damn proud of my work ethic. But when another manager tries to call me a rockstar, I look at him like he’s got ten heads. Because I know realistically that I’m not the fastest. I’m not even the guy who’s always on time. And I’m definitely not the most professional person.
Hi Thais. Thank you for all the beautiful content you give us. I have been perusal your articles and educating myself about attachment styles for months now. I am clearly an anxious preoccupied and my partner is clearly a dismissive avoidant. I have tried doing everything you said but we always end up in a loop where he insists that I don’t listen, despite how many times I try to show that I do, and keeps going back to the past including things that we have already talked about many times. Not to mention that he does not listen at all to my own needs and feelings. It’s like he is stuck in an idea that he has of the relationship and myself and does not want to move an inch, just wants to stay fixed in the same thoughts and reactions, I feel like I am talking to a wall. I am about to give up, I am tired of trying so hard and feeling like nothing works, it has been exhausting, draining, and I know that I don’t diserve this. Is there some advice that you could give that could help things get unstuck? Thank you.
I’m beginning to think we jumped straight into the power struggle phase. Since we met it’s him stonewalling every 2/3 days. We’re slightly long distance so it sucks having the phone be the only way to reach him anyway, though using Thais’s suggestions from one of her articles, I did get him to end it after meeting it with understanding, but even that isn’t working this time. I don’t even know whether to continue because he’s withdrawn so deeply in 3 weeks that I don’t even feel like I can get to know the better parts of him. I came in secure and teetered back to FA with this. Should I walk away for now?
A DA will remain a DA, unless they go to therapy or actively aim to heal. These articles speculate the fears and lack of boundaries and self respect of anxiously attached people. You want to give them false hope that they can have a healthy real and committed relationship with a DA. But things do not work like that.
Do you think a DA is being controlling when they say they need space for an indefinite amount of time and wont communicate? Wont share their inner process of what they think and feel and wont say “I need a week or 3 to process and will get back?”. Maybe months? I dont get it why they wouldnt want to communicate and repair and instead talk with other people. But to just say “let me come to you when I’m ready”. I dont understand that. They are doing so many other things, how can anyone feel like they care about the relationship? Maybe the relationship is lowest on the list or priorities. I hear DA gets overwhelmed, doesnt like conflict, doesn’t want to stir up emotions, but how will they learn to do intimacy without emotional processing? Just have social connections that are not AS close but fulfilling enough. It feels cold hearted and shut down to not communicate, but how to help them feel like it’s not exhausting or soul draining to look at things together?
Thais, I wish you would explain to people that a DA is a person that has a particular attachment style in a relationship, The emphasis being ‘in a relationship’. I get so many of your people commenting on my DA,whom I am in a relationship with, that are randomly in love with someone they are NOT involved with. No, my milkman/mailman/green grover doesn’t fancy me, because I am NOT involved with him! I think a lot of these girls think anyone they fancy that has told them in no uncertain terms they don’t want them, are in a ‘relationship’, even if it is platonic…so someone they just know. Of course, men are men and if a girl is attractive they will notice her, but it is above my paygrade as a commenter to hold their hands when they are NOT, I repeat NOT, in a relationship with them, and answering their questions, which barely make sense in English! Jean jess Mommy sharlyn
Hello. I’m definitely avoidant type. Might seem rude to a stranger because I don’t trust them so I’m not showing real self. But the times I did trust them I showed I’m very sensitivity shy kind honest genuine loyal etc. I see in the comments lots try hard for their partner if someone tried for me like that and at the point I trust them I would definitely be like a happy little kid from joy 😊. So you who experiencing some avoidant being rude to you. Don’t let it get to you. It’s not you. It’s he’s baggage and shitty people that gave him that. Much love ❤ yes I was talking about me. I guess I’m doomed to be alone forever oh well have to accept it somehow
I have been trying this more open conversation/ dialogue in a very gentle way and now my DA seems to be pushing me or keeping me more at an arms length and shuts down any conversation at all pertaining to even communicating more effectively. Die this mean he’s not willing at all to acknowledge change or be vulnerable? How to I fix this now or is this a sign that he isn’t interested I fixing/ negotiating anything?
Can you do a article on when to approach a DA to have this type of convo. I’ve tried text, he says he’ll call then avoids I’ve tried in person and he takes it in then pulls away when we are apart The only time it has worked is when he feels like he needs to make something up to me or when he himself is going through a bad time Or after sex lol It’s like he needs to be emotionally available to receive me. Why is this and what can I do to make lasting changes? Generally tho, he makes time to spend time with me, if I need him he is there, if i make a request for him to do something he will do it. But if I say I need you to make time to communicate or I feel disconnected – it backfires. He pulls away hard and says he feels pressured or takes it to heart. “i do all these things and you’re concentrating on the negatives” is what he tells me in variation It’s hard because we are a close couple, he asked me recently to help him sign up for therapy and if I am ever upset or sad – he cannot stand it especially if i cry, i will see him tearing up. All i ask is for more communication between quality time and it gets worse when i ask. Recently he has resulted in says hey you okay then ghosting when i respond, then he will come back couple days later and ask to see me. The problem is that I get left feeling like his fwb but i know im not. He does better then drops the ball to a worse extent…It’s quite a hard dynamic for me
My DA wife is making an effort to improve the health of the relationship. Something’s wrong though. The changes are all outward – words and actions are only because that is what she thinks what should be doing – it’s like reading from a script rather than speaking from the heart. She remains incapable of being playful, passionate or connecting as a friend.
Is it possible, that DA would say something like “I don’t want to build a monogamistic relationship with the future with you”, but says he loves me, and when I say “please, then tell me you don’t want to be with me” he says “I cannot, cause it would not be true”? Does he love me and is just scared, or simply he is not that into me?
Aaah I thought already it would be acts of service for dismissive avoidants. It’s an other reason why i shouldn’t date Da’s. I am independent and can’t care about acts of service if anything you are supposed to do your own sht and do chores that you are supposed to do and it’s not a act of love for me. Also gifts I find annoying. As I feel guilty when I get expensive gifts and feel forced to the same back. Quality time and words of affirmation is where its at for me. I don’t fall for anxious people who might like that better althow the words can’t ever be to much quality time can become claiming and clingy. Well everything just tells me you need to be healthy attached and fall for a healthy attached person to get the right needs met basically 😅. – FA
DAs aren’t terrible people. They are wounded people. Human beings gotta put in work to understand each other… if you feel disrespected and disregarded go ahead and leave but if you got it in you to look for that healthy compromise and the DA is willing who knows what can happen. There is no special clear cut answer. It’s so easy to just say “fuck em” and move on and blame and hate. People can grow and learn together. The world isn’t black and white.
Love Language for them is LEAVE ME ALONE. How can anyone ever feel close to them? This kind of person has arrested development as a very young child, & have no interest in getting help. They learned self soothing in the extreme so when they get to their golden years they still want to do everything alone. The only kind of person who could be in any kind of relationship with them they would have to be a DA too.
This works like not at all. Once DA deactivates or you’ve become object of disgust and they’ve run off to hide their heads in the sand you might as well just not even waste your time I’m not coddling anybody we’re all grown here expect the same tenets to be given to me as I’m providing. I’m going to make sure I never date another da ever ever. My ex DA is a covert narcissist, through and through.
I’d love to see a article on how to apologize to a DA ex for not knowing how to approach their distance in a way that acknowledged and respected them. Not necessarily with any end goal in mind. This isn’t a “how to get them back” question. I’m not concerned with getting a response. It feels like it’d be a healing thing for me to do. And of course my highest hopes would be that I could word it in such a way that it would be healing for them to receive as well. Thank you for your consideration 💜