Betrayal trauma is a type of emotional distress caused by a trusted institution, loved one, or intimate partner violating someone’s trust. It can have long-lasting effects on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being, impacting their ability to trust others in the future. Therapy and support are often necessary to heal from the effects of depression, anxiety, dissociation, difficulty concentrating, emotional dysregulation, questioning the gut and instinctual choices, and replaying the betrayal over and over in one’s mind.
To heal from betrayal trauma, it is important to self-regulate and articulate your feelings in a constructive way. Some ideas for helping your mind slow down include counting down from 100 by 7 (100, 93, 86, 79, 72), breathing in for 5 seconds, then out for 5 seconds, and repeating that 10 times.
In the aftermath of an affair, only the couple can decide if their marriage can survive. An apology without excuses and a process of forgiveness are crucial to rebuilding a marriage. To break the betrayed spouse cycle, focus on expressing feelings honestly and openly, relying on supportive friends or family members, exploring any potential underlying issues in the relationship that could have led to the affair, and engaging in self-care activities.
Betrayal trauma combines painful events with damage to a person’s trust in someone or an institution important to them. To cope with betrayal trauma, effective strategies include acknowledging the trauma, understanding triggers, practicing acceptance of emotions, taking care of the body, developing self-care tools, and sharing your story. When women choose to stay in a marriage after emotional abuse and betrayal, support, self-care, and boundaries are essential for her safety.
📹 Betrayal Trauma: Understanding the Impact and Healing Process
Betrayal trauma is a term first introduced by psychologist Jennifer Freyd and refers to the devastating aftermath of being deceived …
Can a relationship go back to normal after betrayal?
Infidelity comes in many forms. Some people use cheating to end a marriage. Some people cheat to get validation or fulfillment from an outside relationship. Some people are impulsive and take advantage of the moment. Some relationships can be saved after cheating, while others end. Can you fix a broken relationship after cheating? It can be done, but both people have to want to try. A relationship might not survive infidelity for many reasons. If one or both partners are not committed to fixing the damage, the relationship will end.
Sometimes, it’s better to end a relationship after cheating.
How to Save a Relationship After Cheating. If you and your partner are willing to work on your relationship, there are ways to rebuild it.
Why do people betray the partner they love?
Selterman et al. found eight reasons people cheat. These included things like feeling angry at a partner’s behavior, wanting more sex, wanting more intimacy, wanting more love, having low commitment, wanting greater autonomy, feeling mistreated or neglected, and wanting a greater number of sexual partners. The researchers found that people who had affairs were more likely to say they loved their partners and to show their love in public. This was true even though they were also more likely to have affairs because they felt neglected. The authors said that when people feel shortchanged in their main relationships, they may look for more intimacy in their affairs to make up for what they lack at home. Also, people in affairs were less satisfied with their relationships than those who weren’t. Sometimes people have affairs to hurt their partners. They are angry, less committed, and feel unloved. Some people wanted their partners to suffer, but others didn’t intend to hurt them or end the relationship. People who were more committed to their partners didn’t keep in touch with their affair partners. If you focus on your partner and the relationship, you’ll grow personally and relationally. If you don’t, the relationship might not survive. People who don’t love or appreciate their partner are more likely to leave them and start a new relationship with their affair partner.
5. Infidelity in Marriages. The scientific literature says that people have affairs, or secret romantic relationships with other people while they are in a relationship with someone else. This can range from emotional involvement to sex. About a quarter of all marriages involve infidelity. In the 21st century, infidelity increased among older men.
Can a marriage survive betrayal trauma?
Will you save your relationship? If you’re reading this, you get to choose. You can save the relationship, but it will be hard. There will be good times and bad times. If you and your partner love each other and you’re willing to change and become the partner you deserve, then work on your relationship. You can do it. If you want it, you will do it. If you follow the tips, your reconciliation will go faster and smoother because you will know what to avoid. Best of luck in recovery!
About Savannah. Savannah Esposito is a relationship coach who helps couples with trust, communication, and intimacy issues. She helps couples address deeper issues and learn skills that last a lifetime. Book a free strategy session here to work with her.
If you’ve been betrayed and don’t know what to do, learn more about my Stay, Wait or Coaching services.
What is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage?
People focus on infidelity, but it’s the little betrayals that ruin relationships. If partners don’t choose each other, trust and commitment erode. Partners may know about this disloyalty, but think it’s not as bad as an affair. That’s not true. Anything that violates a committed relationship can be disastrous. Betrayals are based on two things: hiding your true needs to avoid conflict and wanting emotional connection outside the relationship.
Can a spouse really ever forgive infidelity?
After infidelity, couples often struggle to find a way to ease the pain. Forgiveness may seem like a less painful way out. If a partner is forced to forgive, it often makes things worse. Sometimes, forgiveness isn’t possible. In other cases, not forgiving can make pain last longer. Forgiveness can be hard to find, but it can help. Being patient with yourself and your partner is better than forcing the process. Recovery takes time. Recovering is hard, whether you end a relationship or try to rebuild it. Either way, recovering from infidelity can help both partners grow stronger. Couples counseling can help with this. © 2017 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Deidre A. Prewitt, MSMFC, LPC, GoodTherapy.org Topic Expert. The preceding article was written by the author named above. GoodTherapy.org does not necessarily agree with the views and opinions expressed. Ask the author or comment below if you have questions or concerns about the previous article.
Does infidelity pain ever go away?
Does the pain of an affair ever go away? Like most traumatic experiences, hurt and betrayal feelings will decrease over time. When someone finds out their partner is cheating, they are often shocked and hurt. It’s normal to feel like these are a permanent part of the relationship. But as time goes by and both partners work through the changes, the pain becomes easier to deal with. Couples who work through marriage counseling may find their relationship stronger than ever. The therapist helps them understand what needs, issues, and challenges were present before the affair. The therapist will help each person with communication, trust, intimacy, conflict management, and more. How long does it take for a marriage to recover from infidelity? There’s no set time for recovery. Every relationship is different. Recovery from a marriage or relationship is not a straight line. It’s not always better each day. There will be ups and downs as partners recover from infidelity. Some days will be great, and some will be difficult. These are normal reactions. They don’t mean recovery isn’t happening. Many couples find their relationship has recovered after six months to two years after an affair, with the help of a qualified marriage counselor. Remember, there may be good days before and rough days after, but this can be a helpful time marker.
Does the pain of infidelity ever go away?
Does the pain of an affair ever go away? Like most traumatic experiences, hurt and betrayal feelings will decrease over time. When someone finds out their partner is cheating, they are often shocked and hurt. It’s normal to feel like these are a permanent part of the relationship. But as time goes by and both partners work through the changes, the pain becomes easier to deal with. Couples who work through marriage counseling may find their relationship stronger than ever. The therapist helps them understand what needs, issues, and challenges were present before the affair. The therapist will help each person with communication, trust, intimacy, conflict management, and more. How long does it take for a marriage to recover from infidelity? There’s no set time for recovery. Every relationship is different. Recovery from a marriage or relationship is not a straight line. It’s not always better each day. There will be ups and downs as partners recover from infidelity. Some days will be great, and some will be difficult. These are normal reactions. They don’t mean recovery isn’t happening. Many couples find their relationship has recovered after six months to two years after an affair, with the help of a qualified marriage counselor. Remember, there may be good days before and rough days after, but this can be a helpful time marker.
Will I ever get over my husband’s betrayal?
Rebuilding trust after betrayal is risky. For the betrayer, the gamble is that facing his flaws and hurting someone he loves will help him regain that person’s love. The betrayed person must decide if it’s worth forgiving and being hurt again to keep and improve the relationship. These are often worth taking. Rebuilding trust after a betrayal is hard and slow. But most couples who succeed find their relationships are stronger. Janice and Robert used the affair to learn more about themselves and their relationship. Years later, they have healed. Not all betrayals end well. It doesn’t matter if you stay with the betrayer or not. It’s important to heal from the betrayal. We must heal the wounds of the past to have a happy life. It also means being open to the idea that the future might be different.
How to heal from betrayal in marriage?
Talk to someone you trust about betrayal. … Take care of yourself. … Accept. … Don’t blame yourself. … Be patient. … Don’t let the person who betrayed you affect you. … Forgive. … Don’t retaliate. These tips can help you decide how to deal with betrayal. Betrayal is when someone breaks your trust. Betrayal can make you feel overwhelmed. Betrayal can happen in relationships or with friends and family. This experience may make you wonder how to move on from betrayal.
Does the pain of betrayal ever go away?
The bottom line. When someone you love does something to hurt your relationship, it can be very traumatic. You can heal and come back stronger. If a parent or romantic partner betrays you, you may experience betrayal trauma. This trauma can affect your self-esteem, emotional health, and relationships. Support can help you heal. Any betrayal can cause distress. But you might feel hurt when someone you trust hurts you. Betrayal trauma is the pain and turmoil experienced after someone you trust betrays you.
How do I get my husband to understand betrayal trauma?
Tell your spouse about the betrayal they faced because of your addiction. Use phrases like, “Of course you would feel that way” and, “It makes sense why you would feel _____ based on my past behaviors.”
📹 Neurobiology of Betrayal Trauma & How to Heal
Kristin Snowden, MA, LMFT specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate relationship crisis caused by addiction, …
What helped me after a betrayal was to allow myself to grieve for as long as I needed. I went through grief stages, and allowed my angry feelings to bubble up without judging myself. I didn’t repress or deny emotions. Eventually, I felt healed. It took a few years, but it worked for me. Best of luck to everyone! ❤
Going NO CONTACT is the best solution!! Say a prayer,try to forgive, trust in God, but MOVE ON. At nearly 70 yrs. of age I had to come to grips w/ some real evil in my life…..I listened to lots of you tube articles, prayed, consulted the warnings in the Bible and saw that no contact is by far the BEST choice to get my life & peace of mind back. I just wish everyone was strong enough to do this. It is AMAZING!! It is eye opening and glorious to be FREE of the trauma, the drama, the lies, the deceit, and all the jealous hatred. Keep your circle SMALL and watch for red flags. God Bless❤
I have experienced betrayal trauma first by my parents, then siblings, family members, alleged friends, neighbours and even business clients. The scope of distruction of my life has been enormous – my health took a hit in all possible ways. I have been intimidated, threatened, dismissed, invalidated, gaslighted, stonewalled to name a few. The fact that I am healing from all of This is pure miracle and without help from good people such as you Darren, I do not know how I would have survived. I Thank God for all of you❤ Thank you Darren. ❤
He was as cruel as possible at the end, physically but mostly emotionally. My best friend of 10 years. I still suffer with CPTSD. I can’t let anyone in since. It’s been 6 years. Please, don’t be cruel to a heart that’s true. Maybe I was a crappy girlfriend, but I didn’t deserve this. The beatings, belittling, betrayal. I trusted you! I trusted you.
My narc “father” took extra time to do nothing only not to care for me, not to do anything I could need for the future. He was practicing this for decades. I can not believe the whole betrayal till today. I feel not worthy for anyone to do anything for me. If the own father allowed himself never to care for me. I do not know how to proceed it. Thank You!!:))!!💯%!!
I have survived betrayal trauma, first by a father, brother and sister who are narcissists and then by my ex husband (after 25 years). It was extremely confusing and painful. I was in shock that people I’d always believed loved me were incapable of love. This has been the biggest shock and discovery – that npd is a thing and it runs in families. Those of us raised by aggressive narcs often get fooled by these damaged people. I am now stronger and yes, as Darren says, resilience is necessary to survive this type of pain. The real strength for me is knowing as much as I can about npd and understanding that it was never me. I am not to blame. I am worthy of love. Thank you Darren.
When you experience frequent betrayal traumas in your family, both small and large, and you are gaslighted when you seek validation, you may come to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. There are so many lies, and they become unconscious beliefs. Recovery means getting curious about living a life of peace, freedom, confidence, and joy, and holding onto some faith in a God, or a force of goodness and light, that created you to have a life that involves something greater than suffering and pain. Focus on that curiosity, and it grows.
Thank you for this. I was recently betrayed by people I thought liked me, people whom I trusted. The searing pain and shame of that feels like it will never go away. Thank you for not suggesting that the only betrayal is infidelity. There are many other types of betrayal and we who suffered those are also in need of support. I realize that time heals all wounds but for now I just actually feel abandoned and alone. I will have to make new “friends” whom I will never fully trust. Thanks again for this explanation
Oh man… that was hard to listen to. I have been in therapy for years. The betrayal I experienced was from two of my siblings. The best thing for me was sticking with my psychiatrist and psychologist. I started journaling to get my thoughts out of my head. My sleeping still sucks, but hopefully the sleep neurologist I will see might help. Good luck to everyone.
I was betrayed by my (ex) neighbour who was always so helpful and kind I thought. I had been though a few terrible Heath experiences which led to some unexplained medical symptoms of nervous system such as dragging my foot and losing balance. This neighbour set traps for me around the village and even photographed me to try and prove I was faking. When I found out the whole experience caused me such distress I felt everyone was doing the same and perusal my every move. I tried to take my life. Eventually we moved house but the experience. Had not gone away and now five years on with genuine diagnosis of a rare neurological disorder I’m too afraid to go out or talk about myself to others. If I ever see this person again I’d have a panic attack. She ruined my life. Thank you so much for explaining this.
I’m so glad I came across your article. Like so many others, I’ve experienced betrayal trauma. I’m 67 years old now. I live by myself and have a peaceful life, and feel content. Even so, I STILL occasionally dream of being betrayed. Some where in my psyche that trauma lives on. After so many years it’s still there. AMAZING.
I’ve become a misanthrope. The amount of betrayal I’ve experienced has become too much to bear. From romantic relationships to family, my trust in anyone is gone. I’ve become hypervigilant, constantly scanning for any kind of danger in anyone bringing that kind of energy back into my life. I’m no longer social and spend my life alone. Although lonely, my loneliness is my solace. I have no friends, no romance, and no family around me. I will die alone, and I’m okay with that. This world is an ugly, ugly place, and I am done with it.
Thank you, Darren. You and a handful of other online professionals, as well as a counselor skilled in narcissistic/psychopathic abuse issues, have been of immense help. The biggest help to me in my journey was the realization that every single person who betrayed me was either a narcissist or a psychopath (yes, I was lucky enough to have a few of those in my life). Learning how they did it both assured me it wasn’t my fault for being stupid (they con everyone who is unaware) and armed me to defend against their types in the future. I still don’t give trust easily. It has to be earned over many years with consistent behavior. However, I also don’t blame myself. I recognize the that this is reality and work with what I have.
I went through this but had no idea there was a name for what I went through or a list of symptoms associated with it. The betrayal came via my brother. It ended with my not being invited to his wedding and then I went through more and more betrayal from him and other family members when my mom got sick with cancer and passed away. I dealt with many of the symptoms discussed here. Rumination probably being one of the most intense. I just couldn’t get out of my head that someone I loved and trusted my entire life, someone I was close with, helped all the time, etc. would ever betray me or my mom. It was extremely painful. The initial pain was bad but once more betrayal occurred it just kept getting worse and worse. I cannot trust anyone in my family at this point and so I cut off contact with almost everyone for my own mental wellbeing. I don’t know how to tell others to heal but I do know it takes time.
My only caution about your advice to seek counselling would be to verify that they are trauma informed. I had many counsellors early on that were not, and it caused more damage than good. If they know what ACEs & C-PTSD are and have a firm understanding of how the autonomic nervous system works as well as what the effective treatments are for these, then you’re probably on the right track.
I spent way too many years ruminating over past betrayals. The only thing that has helped me is faith that God wants to bless me, and practicing mindfulness. I pay closer attention now to what I’m thinking about and how I feel about things. You have to choose whether to be happy and hopeful or not in each moment.
The absolute best description of what’s happening ever! I’m living it and could never describe what’s happening to me. You have brilliantly. With reality shattered I don’t see any future and it’s a comforting thought. The only comforting thought. No thoughts are my own. Not even close to grasping anything like my own thoughts. Even this is a continuation of my maddness. Betrayal is portrayed as the dwelling place in Hell just one level above Satan’s existance in Dante’s Inferno. Betrayal is so low as to be next to Satan in evil because of the devastation it creates. INTENT!! There’s the rub!! Betrayal is one of the lowest forms of existence.
For me the betrayal was completely intentional. My Honey Bunny, would have one of her psychotic meltdowns and there was always a moment on her part of her observing my reaction. My shock and horror of her obtuse overreaction to something I was not even aware of, was her pay off. This is called sadism. She would do something awful, even in public, and observe my reaction. And, my reaction would be, surprise, shock, fear, and then I would leave the scene as quickly as I could. I, of course, would feel humiliation, but also extreme relief that I had escaped. It was like a bear had chased me and I climbed a tree to escape. The most important thought to have is your own person safety. That also means, leaving, and eventually leaving for good. Yes, there was plenty of good stuff. But the cost was enormous. My own mental health and also physical health, because of the anxiety all that drama makes you feel. It wasn’t worth it.
I have experienced betrayal trauma many times over by people close to me. Darren, your article is very accurate on this subject – thank you! You are correct that a good support system can be a great help. In my case there was none and am grateful to have a therapist who understands. Betrayal trauma needs to be voiced to someone and sometimes it needs to be said over and over to “get it out.” Dr. Jennifer Freyd also coined a phrase called “betrayal blindness.” I would love to hear your take on this – perhaps another article? Thanks again!
thank you for your words. betrayal from earliest memories shattered me so early on. and I was a landslide gathering momentum all my 68 year life. father to mother to siblings to husband late in life. but my husband of less than year gave me a gift. he announced he is a narc / AA. and he gave me a gift to understanding and freedom.. yes I left left him. and the healing and untangling of my trauma began significantly at that point.
The hardest betrayal is community and institutional. I feel so bad for people in warzones or societal failure (chemical spills, lack of safe utilities, etc) where you are being harmed by the people who live around you, authority figures in your community failing you, etc. There’s a reason every culture has people who are banished or live away from everyone else in the mountains or in a cabin in the woods. This is why I think the internet is a good thing; people can finally connect with like minded people and hopefully they can take the next step to meeting in person and forming relationships where they can begin to trust again and form the resilience to “bounce back” if trust is broken again. Betrayal trauma effects me in many ways worse than the trauma of a 1 on 1 event, it’s just that you have to reflect and process the experience to see that new perspective. It also helps me be kinder to strangers in public, helps people skills in school, the workplace, etc. Thanks for the explanation.
This is so true. The person that had betrayed me was a close friend and showed no signs of being disingenuous.I had put full trust in them untill stumbled across firm evidence of them betraying me.I am still in shock yet on the path to resilience and recovery as prescribed in this u tube Thank you kindly.
I’ve experienced betrayal trauma from my narcissist wife. She walked out on me without notice after I had no money left and I was laid off a new job one week later after she walked out on me. I had quit a 23 year banking career that I cannot go back to. I have no job either at this moment. I used motivational speeches to bring me back from the dead. I used Steve Harvey to draw inspiration from because he lost everything he had twice and he’s a raging success now. Learning about narcissistic relationships I realized that I was in a narcissistic relationship with my son’s mother prior. I had to draw inspiration from another celebrity to get through legal situations with her too. Draw inspiration from someone who you resonate with and you will find the strength and determination to pull yourself through.
I only recently discovered this definition of what i have suffered for the past 7.5 years after discovering my husband’s emotional affair. I’m still here, but i don’t really want to be. I daydream daily of living by myself. The emotional burden involves 47 years of dealing with disappoinment, frustration, passive aggressive, sadness and lots of crying. It’s maddening.
I have a severe wheat allergy that works like a peanut allergy. Meaning if I smell it, touch it or eat it I get really sick for 3 to 5 days. We bought our house knowing that and for 7 years my wife has exposed me intentionally over and over. She sneaks it in and I stay sick. This happens at least once a week, sometimes more. She calls me mentally ill when I’m sick. I have physical symptoms you can see but it doesn’t matter. My immunologist says to stay away from it but it doesn’t matter. She never stops. It’s relentless. There was a wheat container in my bed last night the dogs grabbed and put there. I don’t trust anyone anymore, not even my kids. When I hear people talk I think they are talking about pushing me out. I’m scared all the time. It’s really bad. I don’t know what to do. It seems really sadistic. I honestly know it is. I’m a nervous wreck on top of the constant sickness.
I moved in to care for my elderly mom (and dad by proxy) and things were fine with her side of the family till we decided to put her on hospice. The betrayal was shocking and heartbreaking. They were vocal about their disagreements and spread ugly lies. On top of the grief when both mom and dad passed within weeks of each other, the coldness on their end became even more palpable. I had been friends with a couple of my aunts too. One even put me at physical risk with an unhinged family member. I checked off all the “symptoms” of grief betrayal, and it is such a relief to know it is a real thing and no wonder I’m going through it! I forgave them because that’s what God calls us to do, but I will avoid them in all circumstances. Thank you for this article!
I started blaming myself, thinking that I was a bad person, there must be some severe defect in my personality that I would be betrayed by all my exes, my current husband and my brother. It had to be me after all I was the common denominator. Then after a lot of self reflection I realized that I hadn’t really done anything to be so badly treated. What I did do was give them permission to treat me badly, I taught them how to treat me. None of them left me of their own accord, after I couldn’t take anymore I was the one that checked out. I now have to work on myself and I am currently at the indifference stage, because in order to go on I have to be indifferent to all of them. I don’t love or hate them I just don’t feel anything towards them and I can actually go on with a life.
I realized recently that my betrayal trauma started when I was young and it just recently happened with a long-term relationship I never saw it coming and it happened on my birthday…. After the news of betrayal after 12 years I got completely ghosted and I’m not sure if that was helpful or more hurtful healing is a definite process and it does help to know that I’m not alone It still sneaks up on me considering my birthday is coming up again in 3 months and I still feel that there’s no closure. I don’t think I’m looking for an appropriate goodbye but my personal belongings would be nice he had my whole life I feel like he’s purposely holding on to these things to torture me. Thank you for your article It was helpful I look forward to perusal more
Out of all of my relationships, the betrayal trauma has come from recess monitors, my elementary school teachers, my parents, my most recent ex boyfriend, my relatives, my last supervisor, the coworkers who were a part of the team for projects I was assigned to at my last job. I have come to learn that I didn’t treasure the good relationships I had and stupidly threw them away, often ruminating over my failures with them wishing that I knew how to communicate better with them. As an autistic person in the LGBTQIA community its quite difficult to establish a good support system. I know that I need one, but it still escapes me how I can build an effective one.
There were eight of us, cousins from one side of the family. Six of us had or still have severe illnesses. The oldest died of Lou Gehrig’s disease. The youngest died of Chrone’s disease. It’s great that information about NPD and the cluster Bs are available now. It might have helped us if we knew back then and could have connected to help each other. Another resource you might not know that you have is extended family.
In 2001 I had a medical doctor that was treating me for general medicine and anxiety also with some medication. He had me coming back once a month. At that time I sold a condo that I lived in by owner and I had a very aggressive lady purchase it from me with force and rudeness involved. So I moved and did okay for a while. I had called the telephone number for my doctor after hours and he returned the call to me from my condo I I sold to the mean lady. Her name was on the caller ID. I kind of humorously told him the address he was calling from. I guess he’s a little unstable because he got scared and ballistic with me knowing where he was calling from. Into I’m being treated for anxiety and he dumped me as a patient over-the-phone. Between the aggressive purchaser of my condo and the unstable doctor I really had a trauma response. I had to be hospitalized.
Can you blame the victims of such a heinous act for not being trusting afterward? I can’t. I’m taking the side of the victim, not the bully. And I recently felt something akin to this: saw something so shocking I really did not, well, not expect, but didn’t want and really hoped to not come to pass, but it did. The following 24 hours I was emotionally numb.
I was the betrayer. Then realized I have BPD, not an excuse at all, I recognize and take accountability for my decisions and choices to cheat on my partner.. I’m in therapy, working through my trauma and internal shifting. I am ashamed of my act out behaviors and how it’s impacted my ex. I will never cheat again. I’ve learned my lessons. I watch these articles to understand better the impact of what I caused..
In my case, it was an infidelity by my partner but she/he was in a manic episode (for the first time) and we were in a distance at the time. I realized it was a mania and asked for help from her/his family but the response was ignorance. Then she/he just told me not to contact me because you are suspicious of me, and the third person abused her/him in my opinion. Now that she/he is in a stable situation, she/he doesn’t know why she/he did it. Although I know that she/he didn’t do that on purpose and it was without the intention of betrayal, still my deep layers I feel the same symptoms you explained. But the most strong emotion, now after three months, is anger and I want retaliation from the third person.
Can you address those that deliberately set you up to fail? It took me quite a while to truly admit to myself that that was what he does, pushing and pushing in one direction only to later mock you behind your back if you fall for the bait. I think he uses this as a team building maneuver, it shames and isolates the target, plus makes himself and others feel superior and he can gather a following.
I don’t think you missed anything. Thanks! I have a fairly well developed sense of humor; I don’t use it to attack people. I made an enemy by turning down a sex invite from a girl and her boyfriend, after two years she’s still angry and she spread her dislike for me at our mutual AA meetings, I’ve been celibate and am monogamous, no bed jumping for me. One day a new girl sat next to me and she thought I was a funny guy, so we laughed during the meeting with me telling her how things work. At the end of the meeting three people spoke up and accused me of being a thirteen stepper, AA jargon for a predator. They slandered me in front of thirty people, the instigator thought it was funny and I think he was the one who sent a message to a female friend who was out of state and she attacked me. What Darren said is true, it’s been seven months since the incident, and I wonder if I will calm down and get back to normal. I no longer associate with those liars.
The betrayer is my adult daughter. She goes NC during a marriage but not during 10 yrs of a really warped relationship that was verbally abusive. This situation is extremely painful this time. She married a verbally abusive man.. i don’t know about other abuses in this marriage.. so she has a degree in psychology but it’s hard to tell. Before she married we had a normal relationship. Im her mom n single parent family. I could care less about the creeps she adores. I wasn’t a lingering mom. I raised my kids to be independent and this was a lot of change from the abusive and dysfunctional way i was raised. I decided to break the cycle of abuse. I may have gone too far the other end of that spectrum. I didn’t entirely know how to react when she scared off potential men friends when she was 16 n nearly incorrigible. I caught he having drunk sex with a new friend who was very apologetic even though I knew how much she had told me how interested in him she was. This was during my 30s when I had a very hectic life going on but still kept more than enough time n love for my 2 teens. My thing now is this. She’s got serious issues from the psychologically challenged men of recent years n current marriage where she has turned on me so much… i hear his malignant narc family in her words of slander libel and defamation. It’s hell. I was raised by a malignant narc mother. I will omit dad n his crap. So now at 70 n medical conditions she’s gone NC on me after yrs of a good communicative relationship.
I never knew this was a real thing until this year and i got diagnosed with complex ptsd and im avoidant its weird because people are naturally drawn too me and im a likable person i have good communication skills too but i have no friends but my cat i live by myself and honestly im afraid to death to make meaningful bonds with people again i dont talk to most of my family and cut off both of my parents because i literally had to to servive my mother is a diagnosed borderline and my dad is just emotionally aboidant and selfish he is also autistic me my brother and my sister all have mental issues because of them but me and my brother go to therapy and are kinda fallowing the same path of healing or at least trying to but our sister seems to be more on the narcissistic side she said both her parents neglecting her made her strong and brave but it also made her a pathological lier selfish and two faced my sisters likes to pretend shes something she isnt and she has Identity issues but i feel like she denies her pain and mask it because deep down inside she feels shame i still love my sister but i had tp cut her off to because i would vent to her somtimes and she would expose my business to other family members who she knows gossips and use it as a tool to bond it just felt like betrayal when i asked why she kept doing this she had no logical answer its sad how messed up my siblings are..my dad got remerried had two other kids and he is damaging them too its no reason a 8 year old wants to unalive themselves i dont have children and i dont think i ever will
I don’t know why it didn’t impact me to find out my husband cheated for years It could be that when I discovered the truth he was arrested for the second time for domestic violence Maybe the fact that I didn’t hold back this time, and proceeded to file a permanent restraining order plus file for full custody of my child & press more charges for unreported abuse while he faces multiple felonies and potentially prison time, it made the healing process easier The truth is that anybody that lies, well, it will last so long before the person is cornered somewhere with no one to turn to He can’t even post bail Nobody wants to pay $40k to bail him out I think I got lucky and got away when I could I never slept better knowing he’s somewhere detained away from me and away from cunning his way in once again Anytime you find out the truth is something to celebrate It’s a new beginning I’m literally penniless & homeless but I feel free and happy to start a new life with my little munchkin she’s 7 months old We are going to have a great life and I’m excited I’ll have my little partner to take everywhere she’ll be 1 year old this summer and she will love the beach 💕💕💕💕
My Ex has affected me negatively in all the following ways.. Betrayal of trust.. Multiple times over the course of three years.. I was with him for 10 years but he was really bad the last three years years. I think he’s crazy .He’s a Narcissist and I think has Borderline personality Disorder. He does blame me. He says he’s addicted to porn because I moved into the Music room when in reality I moved into the Music room after I found out he advertised for a Misstress and joined 40 Sicka and twisted porn sites and I forgave him then found out he never stopped with the warped porn. Then since I’ve been in the Music ro
Do any of you have a point other than wanting to continue to engage in bad behavior?? I’m reporting the vandalism or burglary to my district attorney and holding my neighbors accountable until my property is returned. In the meantime your community is to follow the community guidelines provided for you. Understood??
Hang in there. It was NOT your fault. You didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were. If you relate to this article then I know how you feel. Remember – there are good people in the world that will not betray your trust and you are destined to connect with them by remaining virtuous, vulnerable, and compassionate, especially for yourself.
Narcissists just simply lack loyalty and will cheat without a second thought how much it hurts the people who love them. I am learning so much about myself and unhealed childhood wounds after experiencing my Narcissist relationship and being betrayed. It’s insane to me how much they can hurt another person without a care in the world. Truly messed up sick creatures.
The grief is so real, he was my best friend, loved him more than I can comprehend, I was so fooled, he betrayed me over and over… the thought of being with anyone else repulses me, at the end he won, he was so possessive at times, he was very insecure and love bombed me to keep me blind to his narcissistic behaviors. He knew I wanted forever with him, he promised forever, and I’m so lost right now. therapy isn’t helping, I want to be happy again.
I’ve been dealing with intense intrusive thoughts and anxiety from my ex partner who was manipulative and unfaithful. I thought I’d healed over the years but now I’m with someone new and the trauma has risen its ugly head. He is very open, affectionate and loyal but my head has become increasingly scrambled remembering old wounds.
I just wrote the AZ trauma institute this morning if they had courses in betrayal trauma. They didn’t. I woke up to 12 years of lies and deceit. My ex living a double life. That is like the hardest thing to get over because your entire reality it’s not real. What you thought is not what it is. It shatters you.This is excellent and exactly what happened to me.
Yes, thank you for MAKING us aware of what is “normal” about how to feel after betrayals. What makes healing worse are people who come along afterwards that LOVE to rub it in that they’ve never made any bad decisions in their life, and they “feign” perfection. Thank you for explaining how to fix the problem.
The betrayal I experienced was from my sister and her husband. They lied to me about something which I had entrusted to them at their urging and hung me out to dry. I’m the pariah in my family because my sister presents herself with the façade of an angel. My life has been permanently upended and the mental and emotional effects have manifested physically, and also in my decision-making, with which I struggle immensely.
This is so true. I am absolutely devastated even 2 months after catching him. I got no closure, no apology just no human decency after 5 years. I thought I forgave him and created my own apology but I didn’t. I have to fill in my own blanks. I thought telling myself ” he didn’t betray me he betrayed himself” was the best answer, but it’s not working even though it’s true. I am heartbroken 💔
Betrayal from my parents broke me (dv, narcissistic abuse and abandonment). I am still alive partly out of spite, but also because I have a genuine, compassionate heart and I believe that all my suffering serves a higher purpose. I feel so sad for my parents who didn’t appreciate the love of their only daughter.
Thank you! This is the first article I have watched about betrayal trauma that explains what I’ve been going through and trying to get my partner to understand. In no way has my therapist addressed the trauma created by the betrayal and is more interested in what the conditions were in our relationship dynamic that may have contributed to the affair. While perusal this I’m thinking I need to find a therapist who works with betrayal trauma because none of the trauma I have experienced and am still experiencing is being addressed and instead my angry outbursts or what is being referred to as me creating a bi-weekly crisis is being deemed as a problem when in reality it’s not. It’s me still reeling from the infidelity.
Betrayal is just like a stabbing to the back, I cant move my left arm freely, and my left leg feels heavy and numb, also my clavicula hurts as hell, dizziness, laziness, confusion, vertigo, bad and short sleep… Those are the same muscolar contraction you would have after beign stabbed or utterly shocked by a traumatizing event, physical or emotional. But I’ll get out of this! ❤
Thank you so much. I didn’t realize that my brain is traumatized from all the assaults and betrayal from my partner.(Also I have childhood trauma) Separated for four months now in a new country and yesterday negative emotions (sadness, unhappiness and loneliness) were swallowing me and I was terrified and wanted to go back to my partner. I did some mindfulness techniques to get out of that stage but it was petrifying! Never experienced something so intense as yesterday…I was actually scared of being alone in the room because of fear of loneliness and sadness.
Hi Kristen, the way you explained the sudden trauma and the excuses these persons that we trusted completely the cruelty that they manifest is unbelievable. I was able to forgive and leave my ex, I still missed her but held my ground and stayed away from her she became indifferent and aloof, busy and combative
I have been perusal your articles constantly since the uncovering of my fiancé’s hidden addiction. I am completely shattered, these articles are the only thing that is helping me get by without lashing out every two seconds. Your content is helping me understand what I am going through in this complete mess of this thing I call my life, or what I thought was my life. I sent one of your articles to my fiancé and it was literally the only thing that really settled with him. I couldn’t explain my thoughts and feelings in an understanding way to him, I also couldn’t talk to him at all until he sat down and watched your article. It has what allowed us both to start to pick up the thousands of broken pieces and come to an agreement that we want and need therapy. Thank you for all that you do. I really would be lost without your articles. Thank you so so much.
Thank you! Thank you! I always felt like I had this trauma, but the therapists that I tried didn’t validate those feelings of utter madness, and brokenness. Many times I felt guilty, and my now ex husband never understood the level of trauma I went through. Now I feel free of this image of being weak and irrational.
Thank you for real help. I’m working hard to process through betrayal trauma while seeking help with experts that are trained in this. I realize this is more important than than going to traditional couples counseling as this is not only failing me but making it worse. Your validation and real steps to take to work through triggers and just standing up for myself to create boundaries to keep my sanity are so very helpful. Thank you.
When my partner and I went to therapy before the outcome of the affair, he was very calm in therapy and I was off the walls. The therapist blew me off . After the affair, the therapist still blew me off and concentrated on asking him how much he loved his job. I was quiet and in trauma state and because he showed shame she made sure to make him feel comfortable.
This is such a relief you have described 100% what i feel and I feel like im losing myself emotionally . I dont recognize myself. Couples therapy isnt working and i often feel like im driving over a cliff and I don’t know how to hit the brakes. I seriously need help getting away and out of this situation.
Thankyou for this! I was fooled for years and then my wife turned out to be a narcissistic psychopath of the covert type. Yes they really exist! And I have to come to terms with how to co-parent with someone who does not love her children, who has no empathy, and no conscience. The hardest thing is how to protect my daughter against a narcissistic mother.
i keep myself busy, but i started flinching… i am batching i suddenly flinch… working … i suddenly flinch… i am about to cry all the time. I am nit picking on evryone i speak to. excessively vigilant. Lost my confidence my health. I am unable to trust anyone. I am 30 and i dont know beliefs and values anymore. I dont beleive in them. My kindness has paid me more bad than good ever. after been through evrything i feel my body and brain is so alert about evrything. i can feel my nervous system asking for help… i feel helpless.
Thank you, Kristin, very important topic, great insights. I’m currently training as trauma sensitive yoga facilitator and learning a lot about trauma recovery process. Emdr and exposure therapy can be extremely damaging for survivors of childhood abuse and neglect b/c we just don’t have the developmental neurobiological resources and the core sense of self for that kind of treatment thus it leads to more dysregulation (Dr.Daniel Brown, Attachment project) Somatic experiencing and trauma sensitive yoga could be a good start though, for addressing developmental trauma and building the essential inner resources. In TSY we work with body self, the insula, and its a part of overall sense of self hosted by medial prefrontal cortex along with the sense of self agency. Strengthening MPC aka creating new connections b/w neurons through focusing on interoception, proprioception, making gentle choices and taking effective actions in relation to our bodies, it dampens the amygdala reactivity and the frequency of fight/flight/freeze triggers activation. Also, Judith Herman wrote “The guiding principle of recovery is restoring the sense of power and control in survivor ” which again translates to the sense of self agency. Hope it was helpful. Blessings your way, you’re doing very important work here.
I am severely traumatized but I am so excited to find this. So much excellent information here. Plus you are just soothing and on point, very competent!! So excited because I can’t afford therapy but now I feel like there is hope, perhaps I can find resources here to self educate. Thank you from the bottom of my heart ma’am. ❤
Thank you so much for this article. I was the cheated and am very analytical and kinda needed to hear this explanation. My wife shows remorse and a great deal of personal growth but my mind is always danger mode and looking for traps. It is so frustrating to me that I haven’t been able to trust in little things and my therapist never explained it this way. Talked to my wife about this article immediately.
thank you for not dedicating the whole article to explaining what betrayal trauma is. Although I understand that the first step in healing is being able to identify your issues, it becomes discouraging at least for me to keep being reminded of what it is that im going through rather than being reminded of ways to improve my sitaution so thank you for this different type of format.
I’m struggling with what I learned about my partner and marriage for over 40 years. He has been diagnosed with high functioning autism and ADHD this year. It’s almost being treated as his excuse for SA and PA. I don’t buy that. It’s like he didn’t have a moral code for over 40 years. I can’t wrap my head around this excuse. Thanks for the article. It does help.
I have no shame at all. Mostly regret for moving forward through the red flags until I’ve morphed reality. I realize my “normal ” is so far from what is truly acceptable in the real worl. This article has totally validated all that my body & mind has been through and why I feel like I’m on an emotional rollercoaster every time I converse with him or notice something off. The gaslighting is tramatic because you know you’re right. I’m stronger now. I just want it all to be over.
My BF and I were together for 6 years and I broke things off suddenly when I discovered that not only was he leading a secret life and had been cheating for 5 years but he snuck off and married her while still with me..and continued dating me after the wedding. Now I suddenly am the one left with no answers, no closure, no couples therapy just a massive dose of betrayal trauma and no way to work through it! How do you move through when the person is gone and you have no answers and no partner to ask what happened?
I’m really glad you’re putting this out there to protect people. I never knew a bad relationship could affect my health long term. I stayed way too long and from all the trauma I went through with my ex husband I ended up with Fibromyalgia and CFS. A daily nightmare… But at least I’m happy and free!
I dated my boyfriend for over a year until I was finally told the truth about how bad his drug addiction was. I knew he used during our relationship and I had thought he had stopped. I was gaslighted everytime I thought something was off or he was high. He was so good at lying, even though I KNEW something was wrong, just didnt have enough evidence for conviction. But I found out he has never been sober, had been using the entire time and I only knew him to be clean for the first week of dating him. We’re still together, he’s 1 month clean – out of rehab and in outpatient right now. But I developed PTSD and I cant look at him or think about him without my brain freaking out and having hysterical crying reactions every single day.
I learned mindfulness & breathing techniques to deal w/the chemical reactions of triggers & spent years now learning wHyYy I was attracted to a sex addict -NPD. Once I learned about my own childhood traumas & yea that book has several stories of traumas…I suppose unhealed people like us had seen the chaos as love. Actual healed, aware people who can really love us are dull & don’t enter our radar.
Thank you for this article. I wish i had access to someone like you where i live. I have given up on finding a therapist- either they never return the call or are not trained in this. Five months ago i found out that my wife if 40 years had a series of affairs over two decades and embezzled several hundred thousands of dollars from me beggining 30 years ago when our children were small. Her response to the records i found has been complete denial and blaming muxh of what happened on me. That includes an abortion she charged to a credit card. I have been in free fall since but am finally able to eat again and sleep a few hours each day. The woman i was so deeply in love with never existed and my entire adult life was a joke. I want to divorce whoever this person is but that would give her access to savings that she would burn through. Death woukd be a blessing.
When you speak about emdr needing to be done when and if the client is prepared..well i believe 3 years ago i experienced a spontaneous moment of being like 3 years old and i couldnt see much but knew where i was and knew i was scared and looking for my mom. I told myself not to be scared itll be ok and in real life burst into uncontrollable crying in my partners arms at the time. After that i wasn’t the same i opened pandoras box and have experienced betrayal trauma due many things that accompanied that experience. Ive been searching non stop for someone to understand or help explain it, im very close to getting to see a therapist but it was weird and i cant let it go and my family refuses to tell me if anythjng happened as a kid but i know theyre being secretive and i just cant let it go. Its ruining me
Unfortunately I’m in western Canada in the north we get who we get for therapy or counseling they often come thru from different towns or cities so I’m here on YouTube waiting to talk to my Dr. To see if he has a recommendation in other areas even one session would be a godsend as I have no one to talk to and have kept so much bottled up
You’re correct. I told him, the sexting other girls, depending on what was said, I could possibly forgive, because I had become a bit inappropriate with a coworker at the end of our relationship due to being severely emotionally neglected (not that it was okay, but I also was open and honest and he was unbothered by my heavy flirting). But it’s the gaslighting me, starting arguments when I expressed his female friends made me uncomfortable. The fact that he did it from the beginning of the relationship and not just because we grew apart or something. Lying to me that he stopped talking to them. That’s what I really can’t forgive.
I am married, I find the concrete info on his affairs then he helps me to forget this after huge fights then it happens again. He won’t admit this is happening but now realize he is gaslighting and using emotional abuse to keep me captive. 22 years 2 beautiful children now to know what’s real? Your article here has allowed me to see why I overreact and have no memories since suspecting this behavior!
I have been betrayed horribly by multiple people over the period of a decade in addition to childhood trauma. It’s been 8 years now since the last betrayal and I am still paralyzed with fear of people. I have difficulty working, going to holidays with family, and any social interaction. It’s truly debilitating. I feel nervous and frightened most of the time. If it hadn’t happened multiple times and on such a grand scale I would be past this. I just feel that if I’m betrayed even 1 more time by someone I love and trust that I won’t make it this time. So I socially isolate myself, but of course the loneliness of isolation is almost just as damaging.
Talk Therapy – the problem is no one wants to hear your story. They just tell you to rub dirt in it and stop being weak. Finding a good therapist where you can talk about things like this is not an easy task. However I agree… being able to connect with others is vital and sharing your story is how that is done. Now how to do that in a society of people that don’t care about other people and just treat each other like disposable toe rags is the surmountable challenge…
Once a spouse is cheated on the best but hardest thing to do is leave and cut off all contact. If there are children involved it is impossible to have no contact, but try at least to do the bare minimum. PTSD from infidelity is very real but the best way to heal is have no contact. But it is the hardest.
The Betrayal of someone coming along and presenting themselves as a happy, Christian, God fearing, good and successful man and then a year into the marriage becoming a monster…it’s shattering. And then the staying in it because they convince you that you’re the problem? Double whammy. Good gracious.
My 33 year old wife, got together when she was 19. Thought she was the absolute best girl and could NEVER cheat. Not only was I wrong, but she never admitted to it despite the evidence and turned her entire family against me that use to love me and my son dearly. 3 months later I find out and it’s all my fault she cheated…
thx for your article, i have a questions that my wife has a truma and every time remembred the bad things in the past, looks like flash back. when ideal with her, she always remmbered the bad stuffs, she has truma, and like to leave me but i know that there are medicine for healinh of truma, can you tell me what is the medicine for truma or which best Psychiatrist fot that case, we are leaving in canada. thx in advance
i won’t let them get me down. that’s a fact let them say i walked away from that old collective he lever stood a chance with me, and if that makes her happy its ok way me. the deliberate lies she told me again. do as they please it and other attacks of not nice things said but again like i say hope they have a long and happy life. was more worried when i found a lump on my dog’s neck, now more love in big murphy than they had, he is old for a rotweiler. my heart took long time to mend even still. what silly people trying to score points so let them i wish them lots happiness. i won’t hurt anymore and when my time on earth though they don’t need to see me then either God Bless them all.
I don’t want to calm down, been there done that didn’t work, problem persists. Now what would be usefull is how to we stop people from betraying us any further. Not only on relationships but friends, family and work. Cause my stat of mind has NOTHING to do with what other do, being calm, or aggravated is a reaction, not a cause.
Someone very close to me believes that I betrayed them. In reality, I handled a family situation badly, and as a result, this person thinks I am taking sides against them. How do I convince this person that I meant no harm and that they have my unconditional love and support? This is an immediate family member who left the home and now only communicates by text and only very sparingly.
I was betrayed during my post stroke recovery period. I experienced ongoing anxiety depression and still experience ongoing fatigue. I don’t only blame my partner alone but ‘the other woman’, (a married Chinese co-worker ) who is a participant and who encourages him in the betrayal activities. Why don’t we campaign for ‘the other woman’ to be brought also to justice by the fact that they encourage the men to cause trauma to others especially when the betrayed partner is suffering from ill-health unable to defend for themselves but remaining in this relationships and suffering from severe emotional trauma which take a heavy toll on her health? Should the silent killing without weapons by ‘the other woman’ be regarded as a crime?
I have felt the therapist we’ve been seeing for over a year now was not trained in dealing with infidelity or trauma. This article explained exactly how that therapist went about treating things by trying to teach us how to communicate and do all the other generic relationship building things, and didn’t even consider my trauma or emotional state from day one.
Around 10min-13min about going to counselor. My ex wife had affair and she didn’t even bring up having affair and that she was having sex with someone else. I had a gut feeling and didn’t find out year later but just said how she went in trying to explain why she wanted to end our marriage but left out having affair.. smh
Treatment .not an option for me .broke and you definitely get what you pay for with therpist .im clueless I don’t need to go and find out the hard way the therapist hasn’t bothered to learn anything .omg .i need more than little games like count backwards .i need to heal my core nevermind .this is more of the same