Indifference in a relationship can be a cause for concern, but it doesn’t have to mean the end. To address indifference, notice the problem and change things up. Talk to someone, have a conversation, and flirt with your partner. Open up a conversation about your partner’s feelings of indifference and their potential suicidal thoughts. There’s no obvious formula for allocating indifference, but it’s important work that never ends.
Indifference management is essential work that never ends. It’s important to find a balance between the two of you, finding what you both thrive on and desire. Allocating separate budgets for personal expenses can help resolve financial conflicts and maintain a healthy balance.
Feelings of anxiety, fear, and shame, impaired self-esteem, self-image, and sense of personal value can also arise from indifference. Be responsible and admit that you are selfish, as it’s part of who you are. Communicate with your spouse about your selfish behavior and find a balance where you can compromise and take turns on who gets to pick what. This work may look like:
1. Notice that there’s a problem in your relationship;
2. Change things up;
3. Talk to someone;
4. Have a conversation;
5. Flirt with your partner;
6. Overcome selfishness;
7. Be responsible and admit that you are selfish.
8. Communicate with your spouse about your selfish behavior, finding a balance where you can compromise and take turns on who gets to pick what.
📹 Indifference and healing from narcissistic relationships
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
What is the miserable husband syndrome?
Miserable Husband Syndrome is when a man gets angry, frustrated, and anxious because he’s losing testosterone. This can be caused by aging, certain medications, or too much stress.
What is the point of no return in marriage?
Kelly says the point of no return is when one person stops caring about their partner’s behavior. The other wants to save it, but it will be too late. Once this line is crossed, most won’t go back. To avoid this, the expert said it’s important to look at how people act before it’s too late. Kelly, 48, from St. Albans, Hertfordshire, said she often works with couples who ignore conflict in the early stages of their relationship.
How do I know if I am the problem in my marriage?
If you don’t communicate and don’t let your partner work through issues, that’s bad. Not listening, interrupting, not letting your partner speak, and being impatient is also problematic.
Argumentative. Have you been called out for always looking for arguments? Do you often focus on problems instead of finding solutions? Do you try to catch your partner out during an argument, or do you expect the best of them? Some people fight because they crave attention but don’t know how to ask for it. Some people don’t know how to express their feelings, so they get angry. Some people get into arguments because they’re bored.
What is the walk away wife syndrome?
What to do if you think your spouse might leave. Walkaway wife syndrome is more than just a phase. It’s the end of the relationship. Your wife has checked out. What can you do when your wife no longer loves you? Can you resolve your issues, or is it too late? Think about yourself. Why do you want to save your marriage? You may have checked out too. Do you still love each other? Respect? Are you committed? Or is it just a convenience? Maybe you’ve been afraid to let it go. Know your reasons. If you still love and commit to each other, you’ll need to work at it. If not, it’s time to move on. Don’t waste your time.
Talk honestly. Don’t beg. You missed your chance. Just listen. Stop justifying yourself. Think about what she says from her point of view, even if you disagree. You’re at a crossroads. You may feel betrayed, but she has felt abandoned by you for a long time. If you want to save your marriage, don’t make her feel worse. Just. Listen.
How to know someone isn’t right for you?
Here are nine signs that show you’re in a bad relationship. 1) Feeling insecure. 2) You’re always on your toes. … 3) They don’t respect your limits. … 4) You depend on them for happiness. … 5) You always apologize, even when you’re not at fault. There’s a big difference between being in a good relationship and being in a bad one. But when we’re in love, we often ignore the signs. It’s hard to admit that the person we’re with isn’t the best for us. I’ve done it too. I thought things would get better. But it’s important to see these signs. Your partner affects your life and happiness.
How do you know if you are not valued in a relationship?
If you feel unappreciated, you might notice these signs: Your partner doesn’t care about your feelings. When you bring up what you’re upset about, your partner ignores you. Your partner doesn’t ask for your opinion. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. When your partner doesn’t appreciate your efforts, it makes you feel undervalued. The relationship can still work if you both want it to.
In a relationship, you expect to feel supported. That’s a reasonable expectation. You want to feel like your partner will always be there for you. If your partner ignores your needs and doesn’t respect you, you might think your relationship is unhealthy.
Signs of being unappreciated. If you feel your partner doesn’t appreciate you, stop using social media. That couple you think is perfect might not be as happy as they seem.
How to bring back love in a marriage?
Here are 10 tips to bring back passion in your marriage: Initiate sex more often. Hold hands more. … Let tension build. … Make sex special. … Spend time with your partner. … Touch each other. … Be more emotionally vulnerable during sex.
Spice up your marriage. Jason and Kendra have been married for 12 years and have three kids. They mostly talk about work, chores, their kids’ activities, and the boring parts of their marriage. Kendra says: “I love Jason, but there’s no passion left.” When Kendra says this, Jason says, “I thought we were doing okay.” We don’t have sex much, but it’s just a phase. “I don’t have any energy left by the time I go to bed.”
Can someone fall back in love with their spouse?
This doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a breakup. You can fall in love again. It just takes work. “It’s possible to fall back in love with your partner,” says Patrice Le Goy, an international psychologist, therapist, and adjunct professor at the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. “Betrayal and emotional neglect can both cause damage to a relationship.” If both people work on the relationship, it can help them fall back in love. When you first started dating, you probably tried to make your partner happy. But as time passed, you may have stopped doing things that helped your relationship in the first place. But effort isn’t the only thing that can make you fall out of love. “Some couples feel distant when there have been changes,” says Carole Cox, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Thriveworks in Cary, North Carolina. “Other couples have different goals or feel emotionally, physically, and spiritually distant from each other.”
How do you know when your marriage is beyond repair?
Real trouble has no emotional connection. … Communication problems. Aggressive communication. … There’s no physical intimacy. … You don’t trust them. … Fantasizing about others. … You don’t support each other. … You don’t see a future together. All relationships have ups and downs. Being in a couple takes work sometimes. What if the relationship is more work than play? We look at signs your relationship is over. We’ve all had difficulties with someone we love. Arguments and different interests are normal. Some myths about relationships are easy to believe. For example, couples shouldn’t fight; opposites attract; it’s important to have common interests; distance makes the heart grow fonder. Some couples think that getting help for your relationship means you’re in trouble. They believe that sex and love should happen naturally and that you shouldn’t have to work at it.
What is the point of staying in an unhappy marriage?
Money isn’t the only reason. Money is one reason people stay in unhappy marriages, but it’s not the only one. Some couples stay married because they’re afraid a divorce would hurt their kids. It is well known that children of divorce are more likely to engage in risky behavior and experience anxiety and depression. However, research is inconclusive as to whether children benefit from two married parents or two actively parenting adults. Staying together for the kids is less important than parenting well. Emotions also affect whether couples get divorced. One of the hardest emotions for divorcing couples is shame. Divorce makes people ashamed because of the bad things people say about divorce. It’s hard for two people to stay married, especially when they take an oath to stay together forever in front of friends and family. Is ending a marriage the same as failing at marriage? Most couples try to stay together, but they realize they’ve changed and that staying married isn’t an option. Fear stops unhappy couples from divorcing. It can be rational or existential. Common reasons for not divorcing include financial worries, concerns about breaking up the family, and the loss of friends and social networks. If someone is afraid of life without their spouse or is in an abusive relationship, they may feel forced to stay married.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Walkaway wife syndrome is a term for a person who has decided they cannot stay in the marriage. It is also called the neglected wife syndrome and sudden divorce syndrome. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and creator of Mental Drive, says it is nothing more than a term.
Dr. Klapow says it’s easy to think a single act caused walkaway syndrome. But most of the time, it’s a series of unresolved conflicts. At some point, the partner decides the relationship is over.
What are three reasons for ending a marriage?
Reasons for Divorce: Commitment. … Infidelity. … Arguments. … Marrying too young. Money problems. … Abuse of drugs or alcohol. … Domestic violence.
- Journal List
- HHS Author Manuscripts
- PMC4012696
Couple Family Psychol. Author manuscript; available in PMC 2014 Jun 1. The study presents findings from interviews of 52 divorced individuals who received the PREP program while engaged. The study used both quantitative and qualitative methods to understand why people divorce and to see if the program covered these topics well. Participants also shared ideas for improving future relationship education. The most common reasons for divorce were lack of commitment, infidelity, and conflict. The most common reasons for divorce were infidelity, domestic violence, and substance abuse. More participants blamed their partners than themselves for the divorce. Participants said that premarital education should start before marriage. They also said that couples should get support to use what they learn outside of the education setting. Finally, they said that more education should be given about the stages of typical marital development. These results show us when and what to teach people before they get married.
📹 Why We Go Cold On Our Partners
Going cold on our partners is often a sign not that we have stopped caring, but that we are – somewhere deep down – furious or …
Once you understand what real love actually is, you will first begin to give it to yourself, maybe even for the first time. Then slowly you realize that what you had with the narcissist wasn’t love at all. Not even close. Once you accept that, healing gets way easier and if you still feel hurt understand that it’s from being betrayed NOT by a love lost. Keep going forward everyone.❤️
Us caring is what gives them power over us. I don’t wish anything upon my narcissist. Because even my bad wishes are too good for my narcissist. It’s too important now that I care about myself, I have no energy left to care about my narcissist. I now see it like in a rear mirror. It’s getting smaller and smaller, and one day I won’t see it anymore.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I like the word, “detachment” from the narcissists in our lives. Practicing detachment for me, is how I free myself from the narcissist. It’s like letting go of a big boulder. Putting the boulder down, leaving it behind, not carrying its crushing weight anymore, which frees me and all of victims of narc abuse, to move forward on my/our own life path(s).
I remember seeing my narc abuser a year after I last saw him, a year and a half after I broke it off and went NC. He came to the bar where I work at, with some girl. It was really comical honestly, I’m not sure if he knew I worked there or he just happened to choose this one particular bar, but it was really funny either way. I experienced everything Dr. Ramani described in this article: I recognized his silhouette from afar, I froze, and my knees and hands started shaking. Luckily as I was behind the bar, I don’t think anyone noticed. I could feel that my face didn’t change much though, except for the jaw that tensed up a lot. I was determined not to let him know that seeing him again affected me in any way. We chatted for a little bit, he was mostly talking to the girl, and I tried to do whatever I would do if he was just a normal customer. They stayed until close, and were the last people to leave. He was the last person to leave, while his girl was waiting outside. I remember him looking at me with a pitiful face (the kicked puppy look, I’m sure you know what it’s like), and then asking if I was happy. Literally trying to fish a reaction out of me lol. I said yeah, are you? He didn’t reply and asked again if I was happy. It was so surreal. Because I was free from his grasp, I could see his manipulation so clearly, I kinda laughed, shrugged and said yeah, the only way out is through, and motioned him to leave with my hand. He used to do that gesture so often with me. It was extremely satisfying.
I too, am so grateful Dr. Ramani. It’s so difficult to “convince” others of what we’re dealing with – this in and of itself can be so invalidating and isolating. Indifference is what helped me begin to stop falling into manipulative traps. I wish I knew of your articles 12 years ago when I was captured by a closet” narcissist’s love bombs. I’m ready and working on re-engaging with the world and take my life back.
When I wasn’t focused on my narcissist I was fit, capable of working without exhaustion, and i didn’t feel like it was wrong to follow my dream and have deal breakers in relationships. Now that I have put distance between me and them and my narc parents has died, I feel free, and getting my body back.
This is my first comment on this website. I just want to express my endless gratitude to this woman. She is helping me through the process of getting over a 7 years toxic relationship with one of these monsters. She is the one who gave me the strength to go no contact. He is still after me, I just talked to one of his flying monkeys (he hurt her a lot too, but somehow he found a way to still control her, as they do). So I blocked her too, I blocked every way he could find back to me. The only problem is that I think he is really angry now, and since he knows where I live, I am afraid he would try to take revenge on me one way or another. I’m seriously thinking of moving. But I would have never been relieved from this burden without this website, and even the testimonies on the comments, I feel less alone. Thank you.
I went no contact with my narcissistic mother almost a year ago. I have found I have slowly become healthier and happier over the past twelve months. I’m not sure I’m indifferent to her yet. I’m still angry and in a weird way I think the anger serves me. It makes me follow through with counselling and stay no contact. I’m certain that I will get to a place of indifference and I already can recall the abuse without getting swept up in anger and pain. It’s definitely a journey.
Indifference is a perfect word for it. And yes, it does free you and enable you to focus on other things, because so much mental energy was being expanded on this person’s opinions, possible reactions, feelings, plans etc. Someone who was used to prioritising them every single day can feel so liberated.
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I woke up very early realizing I have been the scapegoat and victim of many narcissistic family members. I was feeling like I am so hated by all of them because I alone dared to confront them concerning their gaslighting and blaming me when I was innocent and loving. I have been feeling indifferent towards them and was feeling like I must be soulless but you let me know that I’m not. I just don’t care about them anymore. They have all hurt me when I didn’t deserve it so why should I care. I finally have compassion for myself. Thank you Dr. Romini.
I completely agree when it comes to healing from narcissistic abuse..indifference has been a my best revelation. Yes it’s a kind of death and for me and its a good thing. When you realize the NARC will never change and that are they incapable of showing up as a reasonably healthy human in typical life scenarios, sometimes it’s best to let go of the possibility of them being anyone other than who they are..so yes a symbolic death of what we thought was possible is a great panacea… be indifferent let it go
I think indifference is the perfect word. I am getting there after leaving a 36 year marriage 9 months ago. This article explains my process 100%. I managed to leave somewhat intact. Thank you for helping me understand my husband to me. I always blamed his addiction which gave me the hope I clung too. I now know the truth of who my husband really is.
I had someone tell me that indifference was a dangerous place to be and I should be open to trying to be actively kind, but that seems like putting myself back into a situation where I pity and try to help him emotionally – My indifference feels like a healthy move! I’ve actually been able to be my normal joyous self ever since I decided to be indifferent
I love the way you talk about this. One revelation I’ve had recently is that not having an indifference toward my perpetrator of narcissistic abuse resulted in an intense apathy that stood between me going from surviving to thriving. I almost lost my passion and zeal for the things that gave me joy and resulted in personal success.
What helped me to start to care less and hence start getting closer to indifference was to face the fact that the narcissist isn’t responding to my feelings, that they simply don’t exist in that other person’s world. And at some point I wondered: if I’m air to them emotionally, why should they exist in my world? We don’t actually loose anything. What stays if we leave is a strange emptiness and also relief and some feeling of strength. It’s so healing 🙂
I love when Dr. Ramani says “damn.” 😂. That’s right doc! we’re with you. This article is super helpful! My ex husband was borderline, and he did hurtful things but he never seemed to want to hurt me. I still care about him. But my ex boyfriend I think has npd and he seems like he was doing his best to break my soul in half. I want nothing more than to stop being afraid of him and dreading running into him. Indifference is my goal and I believe it will free me.
Bravo! I made it through a grandiose narcissist. . I knew I was ok when he found me 3 years later and knocked on my door. I told him I was busy enjoying a dish of my favorite ice cream, sorry, smiling and I meant it. No goosebumps, no heart flutter. I had reached indifference, It’s very much like AA. You come to a point where you’re able to call it what it is. Not what you fantasize. But it isn’t easy. All day articles, crying spells, going back to him, leaving him. And the crazy thing is..he gave me nothing. He just fired up my fantasy of us with fake futures and words. Nothing really came through.
Hi everyone, just wanted to let you know that things will get better. I just moved across the country from my narc mom, and I’m so much better already. I’m not tired all the time, no more drama, no more walking on eggshells, no more fear. I had to text her for a document for a job, and she tried to hoover me back in. She won’t even say where I moved to (I didn’t tell her, but she ‘somehow’ knows). She was trying to talk to me like nothing had happened. Lol! I’ll never again fall for anything she says. I already feel mostly healed, just by leaving. It really is indifference.
When coming to terms with a narcissist tour, it’s so easy to be indifferent, emotionally flat and afraid to trust. This finding indifference to the narcissist might just free you up to love the world. So like this, it sounds like the road forward. I feel like Dr. Ramani just showed us a door. Thanks💕
Several Eastern religions might call it non-attachment. In contrast, detachment implies an inability to feel in the present, but non-attachment might be that gold standard you are describing. As you were describing it, I felt a kind of DNA of the narcissists in my life: parent, ex-partner, ex-boss, and others. It felt good to realize that I achieved that indifference or non-attachment with the ex-boss. What you described made me feel a calibration for a future peace of mind about my current ‘Significant Narcissist’. (Not a partner or relative or friend, just a way to describe them by their effects on my life.) Thank you for giving us tools to put them in the rear view mirror, until they are only in our past. 🙏👋🕊
Hey everyone I left my ex narc finally in January this year after five years, I still have contact with him as we have a toddler together, instead of grey rock approach I’ve chosen to be upbeat & positive when speaking to him whilst our little one has article chats or when i drop off & pick up, it was very difficult at first but it’s got easier that way our little one doesnt feel stressed or upset by a change in me, it’s funny as you can see it in my ex’s face that he’s confused as to why I’m so happy, just remember to keep it short & sweet & cut them off if he/she tries to engage in conversation about anything other than your child or children, be up beat pleasant by doing so it let’s them no that your happy to co-parent with them on a consistent level for the sake of your child or children(which they dont) yet you dont have much time to talk or are in the slightest bit interest in them, I never thought it was possible to switch off & feel the way I do, if there is anyone out there that has lost there way I promise you it will get easier, just keep doing what your doing as your doing great xx
I did years of healing work after my last relationship with a narcissist. I just owned the relationship as my inner child was broken from having a narcissist mother. I worked with my inner child several hours a day for years. Thank goodness as now I am free from the abuse that brought me into this relationship in the first place
Indifference I would say is the perfect word to describe what you’re talking about. I used to feel so hurt and angry and betrayed by my family and their opinions about my life and my marriage. Now I just think it’s funny, and shrug my shoulders cause they aren’t my problem anymore. I have a little bit a pity for them, just cause they’re so deluded that it’s sad and pathetic, and sometimes if I really think about them, I get angry. But all of that quickly subsides ad I think about how happy and at peace I am without them around, and that comfort is greater than any other feeling. Even when friends of mine who have second hand interactions with my family tell me something about them, I just say “oh well”. Trust me, this is the point you want to be at. Indifference did very healing.
Indeed, as previously mentioned, the word used in CODA recovery is “detachment.” I’ve been in the program for 2 years and the process of emerging from the darkness has been my salvation, spiritually and psychologically. I’ve just discovered your articles (wish I had sooner) and I so much appreciate how spot-on you are in terms of precisely where I am right now. It’s still pretty dark but there’s a light at the end now. I’ve waded through so many elementary articles explaining codependency, and others that seem downright brutal with glib relationship advice…now along with the works of Melody Beattie, I’ve found a priceless resource. Look forward to hearing your podcast as well. Thanks a million!
I remember that gut feeling when I walked into the church of my son’s wedding and seen my ex husband.8 years had past.I was able to be in the same room as him( never thought I’d be able to do that)I’m truly grateful I found the courage to leave, make my own decisions,heal,find myself,created healthy boundries.i no longer fantasize about bad things happening to him,karma,revenge etc.im in a happy place,dont care about his life.As dr.ramani put it hearing about him is like hearing about a stranger.I do believe this process would be harder when it’s a parent though.
I’m so glad you talked about this point. I’ve been called out many times as cold or stone hearted due to my indefference. But it was my way of surviving the narcissitic and emotional abuse. It was a coping mechanism while experincing the hurt and abuse. And for so long I felt of guilty of being labeled as indeffrent. For the bad reputation the word has. I also like you mentioning that we can work to be vulenerable and open up for other healthier relationship and let the indeffrence to the narcs only.
It did take a long time to get to feeling indifference about my narc 92 year old mom. It is exactly like the tool of detachment we learn in Alanon. Detaching from the outcome of someone else’s behavior. Detaching from needing or expecting anything from her. Let Go and Let God deal with her. Detachment/Indifference is a super power for survival
For the last 15 years, whenever I want to set boundary from my biological family, I was told “blood is thicker than water,” “the parents are getting old & will die soon,” “your siblings’ fates are your responsibilities,” etc. I am in 200% agreement with Dr. Ramai. I am super big on indifference, shrugging, and wishing well my biological family on their individual lives.
I suffered many years of indifference, I was numb. Then the day came that I accepted the abuse and it made me think ‘enough … I am sick of feeling like this and I want to be happy’. I reached out for help. This was hard for me because I had been brainwashed to believe ‘if I needed help then I am weak’. Dr. Ramani, you remind me of my therapist. She is one of my favourite people.
One thing that can keep us emotionally linked to a narcissist is the pressure of social expectations in our family or community, who may be blind to the behavior of the narcissist, or who may be acting under the powerful inertia of “but we’ve always done it this way” or “that’s the way it’s always been.” Becoming indifferent to the narcissist could potentially cost us our social network (family/church/community/workplace). And well-meaning but blind people who are in our network can unwittingly gaslight us about our decision not to stay engaged with the person who has harmed us – “But don’t you care that he’s alone for the holidays?” or “But she’s your mother – she raised you,” or “He’s the father of your children.” I have grown weary of trying to explain what the picture of narcissistic abuse looks like to the willfully blind. I am more isolated because of it, but I am also more sane. Indifference to the narcissist IS ultimately healing, but it may cost you some other relationships along the way. Be prepared for those losses.
In order to survive this type of abuse I had to acknowledge that some people don’t deserve my respect, trust, or love. I have practiced indifference with them at the same time I continue to care and love myself and family members. This position has helped me heal and I am able to live a happier life.
Knowledge is power. You are dealing with someone who has paranoid ideations. Whatever kind thing you do for that person, they think you have an ulterior motive. You cannot be with someone like that. You can call it a personality disorder rather than a mental illness but at the end of the day, they are mental cases, that WILL NOT CHANGE. Look, I had 35 years working in Mental health and Learning disabilities in a professional capacity. Love will blind you for a while but once you get the facts and observe you can beat the heartache.
Maybe u mean “to grow out of them” and be like a leaf landing on a beautiful landscape despite being blown away from a storm and being in worst of conditions . Very well said doc “cant save everyone from the narc, they will figure out too someday “. Thanks doc for such awesome topics,videos,explanations,motivations and techniques to deal with deep hurts 🥰
Thank you so much for this post. I’m a survivor of 73 years narcissistic abuse from my mother who died a few months ago. I knew, from my earliest days, that there was something wrong with my mother but it was many years before I found that it had a name. I went low contact for many years but, after my father died, she became more demanding. Thankfully my husband was still alive and he helped to stonewall her and she tended to behave better when there were witnesses. After he died, the gloves came off but I held to low contact until things got so bad that they were affecting my health. I got counselling and my GP gave me antidepressants and the advice to take a break from her which I did and then the scary flu arrived and took her away after she caught it in hospital following a fall. Her carer took one for the team and caught it too. I DID feel guilty about that. Now, for the word I chose for what I did. I’m a healer and, when we work with our clients we have to maintain a compassionate detachment much the same of a doctor. I treated my mother much as I would a client which helped to save my sanity for such a long time. I’m now working hard to learn how to stay safe from other predators having been brought up without knowledge of boundaries for myself. I don’t want to continue suffer from her abuse now she’s gone. The last kick in the teeth was her immediately writing a new will and cutting me out of the existing one. Apart from feeling sad that I would not be able to help my favourite charities, I feel nothing.
Dear Doctor Ramani, I was raised by a narcissitic mom…. and I was definitly the scape goat. I was extreamly lucky to have had a Aunt who loved me unconditionally and showed me another way to live. Your wonderful sessions bring clear understanding and venues for websiteing ones reaction. I discovered leaving the family home felt liberating! Needless to say I left home at a very young age…. luckily I could spot the dangerous people and situations. As I matured I saw the sickness, the damaged filter and the inablity to absorb any info other than their pinpoint perspective. Going gray rock has saved me! I’m defined by many things in my life and the narcissitic view has made me grow and gray rock any of their abuse. I am in control of my reactions to all situations(mostly). A small mind, small filter, zero absorbstion of conversations is pathetic. The dissmissive, and demeaning behavior is not a person that anyone has to tollerate. Anytime I have to spend with the one and only “golden sibling” has many safety parameters prior to any meetings. As you know the involvement with a second narcissit, will be extreamly close to non existint in my future. Luckily I have lots of Aunties and Cousins who are loving, caring, and supportive!!!! Thank-you for your inhome private sessions! Sincerely, Living in compassion and Grace
I appreciate all your posts. I can now understand my whole life as I can now put a name to what was done to me and how I have responded. And how I have to be indifferent and heal from 50+ years of different narcissistic behaviours. It’s difficult. But slowly I’ll heal. I have to rise above it. To make my life worthwhile. Thank you.
Indifference is the perfect wording for this! I knew in my heart that I was going to be fine when a couple of ‘flying monkeys’ reported some news about my narcissist and I thought, ‘This news doesn’t matter to me at all.’ Thank you for this validation, Dr. Ramani. It gets easier every day to trust my own truth.
Dr. Ramani, I do some of this work with clients and call it “emotional detachment” and “internal boundaries.” In fact, I’m using it with a client who is currently in one of these relationships as a means to help her slowly regain her sense of independence and empowerment and to grow out of the relationship. Great article, thank you.
Indifference, emotional detachment, forgiveness: have the same meaning of detaching yourself from negative strings or experiences that they no longer have any control over your life. You will now have the mind space to heal and to love yourself, others and the world. You will be able to move on to greater things.
Dr Ramani what you are describing as indifference is spot on. It is the description of having gone through the grieving cycle DENIAL TEARS ANGER and finally acceptance Wherd the narcissist can no longer hurt you. Where it becomes so hard to move to acceptance is when you ARE still in the narcissist relationship. Divorced but co-parenting Work situation In touch with a loved one who is family like an adult daughter, heaven forbid son in law = double trouble etc
Indifference in this setting I feel is a perfect term. It describes exactly how I feel at times…Although I teeter in between indifference and ruminating. I have a lot more work to do as this is fresh for me. But, I’m so grateful to you and all of your articles that I’ve viewed so far. They have helped me in ways I can’t begin to explain. Thank you!
Thank you so much. Dr. Ramani. I thought this was going to be about the narcissist’s indifference and their lack of care, but now I see that it is about how WE have to be indifferent, and I feel strong enough to do that now. I’ve known for a long time that the opposite of love isn’t hatred it’s apathy, and a lot of people do react WAY worse if I say “I don’t care if X relative lives or dies” than if I just talk about how much I hate them. “Hate” sometimes involves “still caring.” You’re wildly emotional because you still want or need something from them, and hatred hurts your physical body, not theirs. People often say “unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to drink” but forgiveness involves absolving the other person of guilt and is dependent on whether THEY change, not you. You don’t owe a person who isn’t sorry or remorseful forgiveness of any kind– their absolution is not your responsibility. HOWEVER, choosing not to hold ill will IS within your power. Also, you can admit fault and forgive yourself for how you’ve contributed to keeping their toxicity alive in your own life, even after you’ve cut ties with them. Admitting this doesn’t make anything they did okay or make it necessary for you to love, trust, or accept them into your life ever again, and a lot of people can’t understand that. In my case, my unwillingness to continue to be a scapegoat for my mother and live in her shadow for the rest of my life, caused a lot of people to be very hostile to me, but I don’t care.
We’ve always used the term “apathy” towards my narcissistic mother in law. We wish no ill will and we just don’t care what happens in her life. 2 months ago we made the decision to cut ties and earlier this week the couple strings that were left were finally cut and we’re free. This is the most peace we’ve felt in so long and it is beautiful
I was able to get to indifference when I stopped needing any validation or attention from the narcissists in my life. I had to realize they were never going to see me or care about me. I had been no contact 7 yrs and 9 yrs,, and the past was still hurting me because I hadn’t let go of that need. In pursuing letting go, I realized that the relationships were never real and I had never mattered to them. (I had gaslighted myself with the idea that “they’re family and family is there for one another). I proved to myself that I never mattered to them because the abuse and disrespect had gone on my entire life, and their behavior was anything BUT love. Once I realized I had never mattered, it made it way easier to get to “they don’t matter.” Don’t care. I broke that feeling of being tied to them, emotionally, and energetically, for good. It’s THE best state of being (not just an emotion, really) that there is after narcissistic abuse. I save my energy and emotions for people who are worthy of it. Greatest thing, ever. And it really does almost feel like a switch was thrown and I finally achieved (it IS an achievement) indifference. Ahhhhhhhhh!
DR. “INDIFFERENCE IS THE GOLD STANDARD!” IF A PERSON WERE TO WATCH ONLY ONE OF YOUR articleS, THIS IS THE ONE. WHILE YOU PAY TRIBUTE TO THE IDEA OF PASSION, LUST FOR LIFE & THE TRADITIONAL VIEW OF INDIFFERENCE AS THE CORE VILLIAN OF SUCH PASSION, YOUR CASE IS SOLID. ERECTING & MAINTAINING A CLEAN SLATE, WIPING THE CHALKBOARD CLEAN, PERMANETLEY, OF ANY FEELINGS, REACTIONS, EMOTIONS FOR A NARCISSIST WHO PLAGUES & DESTROYS YOUR LIFE, INDIFFERENCE IS THE ANTITODE. WITH ALL THAT, NOT SO EASY. NOTHING GOOD EVER IS. PARTICULARLY WITH FAMILY. BECAUSE, CLEARLY EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TEATHERS & IS AT THE HEART OF ALL MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS, PARTICULARLY FAMILY. I NEEDED THIS NOW, TO SOOTHE & MEDICATE A RECENT RAW EXPERIENCE, FAMILY ORIENTED. YOUR NUANCED & SOPHISTICATED WORK ONLINE, IS TREMENDOUS. THIS article, NAILS IT….MH.
This was perfect!! I still feel rage at times but generally have total indifference to him now. I don’t care what he’s doing or who he’s with. I went total no contact when I divorced him. And it’s not my job to rescue his next victim. I moved 1000 miles away and blocked him on social media. Indifference is the way to go. Perfect word
When I was raging about it 8 years ago, the idea of indifference would be literally the LAST thing I would think would happen…..yet it did….and I’m free…letting a person like that out of my life helped me regain my self-respect and set healthy boundaries. I ran into my demon a few years ago by accident in a subway station and, like you said, I had a primal reaction that I had to get away because danger was staring me in the face. You call it indifference, I call it the emotional equivalent of passing a kidney stone.
I thought that leaving my marriage of 26 years would be followed by the stages of grief at the loss. I decided to allow myself to have a pity party for 26 days then get on with my life. That party never took place! I felt indifference immediately. Shortly after that, I woke up every morning looking forward to the day – something I hadn’t realized I had lost.
I spent 3 weeks at a friends place, then 3 weeks at an alcohol rehab center in Southern California… my dizziness and migraines disappeared. I came home and experienced the same behavior. Now, having healed the physical side of me, I’m experiencing depression and all the reasons I began drinking alcohol. I binged again a few times, but quit harming myself in this way. It grieves me to realize I must move out to fully heal my emotional state of being. Today’s date is 2/20/2024 and I’ve begun searching for affordable housing. All of my ills happened as I reacted to the maltreatment I experienced with my spouse. Bar none. P.S. This year is the fourth year I’ve followed Dr. Ramani. It’s taken this long for me to recognize this relationship is detrimental to me. I retired early, sold my rental income producing properties, and sit home alone without friendships. She’s turned my own daughters against me as well.
It takes a lot of time to get to this space of indifference with an abuser. But, it is really the most healing space honestly. I am still triggered by certain things, I am still unforgiving for what he did to me over 17 years. Those reactions are ingrained and hard to undo, but not giving one wit about him, good or bad is so much easier than getting worked up over any of it anymore. I have had to be around him because we have children, but looking at him through this lens helps me so much, helps me gray rock when we end up talking, helps me not get worked up before having to be around him. I read someplace that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. I see now how true that is, because you no longer give them free space in your mind or your emotions good or bad.
Dr Ramani: When you said “the superglue of trauma bond,” I instantly thought of another superglue that is not all that mysterious: sexual chemistry and attachment. If the person caught up with the narcissist is viewing sex as a potential “hook” to draw the narcissist closer, the only one who will caught, is the person trying. The narcissist will always be indifferent to all the effort of the other person, while happily accepting all the free sex they can get. This is not mysterious at all. Sexual engagement, bonds. And in the case of a non-narcissist and a narcissist, the non-narcissistic person is the one who will lose and end up hurt/feeling used, 10/10 times… I just wanted to add this contribution to the conversation. Sexual involvement can be part of the “enigma of attachment” to a narcissist.
Maybe relational disassociation? Because it does remind me of disassociation, like turning my feelings off or distancing myself from them so they don’t hurt me. And definitely there have been times where I’ve been emotionally involved with the narcissist that my feelings became so great that I did have to disassociate so they didn’t harm me permanently.
Thanks for reminding me not to think of badly thoughts towards “that person”. I think Indifference is a good word describing the role that needed to be put into action in the Healing Process. I definitely do not want to be in a confuse state again. That’s one thing I told my friends that I never want to go back to those months of confusion.
Maybe the goal is “equanimity”, rather than detachment or indifference? In Buddhism, equanimity (Pali: upekkhā; Sanskrit: upekṣā) is one of the four sublime attitudes and is considered: Neither a thought nor an emotion, it is rather the steady conscious realization of reality’s transience. It is the ground for wisdom and freedom and the protector of compassion and love.
I cut out my narcissistic brother ten years ago and I think I managed to reach that stage of indifference. Saying that, I would still resent others (family, friends, strangers) bullying me to forgive him after 25 years of abuse. I now see that the issue of narcissism is much more widespread in my life. I didn’t see it before. Knowing that indifference is what I should work towards is massively helpful in my journey to recovery… and knowing that I have reached that point before means that I can do it again. Thank you for the guidance and reassurance, Dr Ramani 💖
When I was told my narcissistic ex had cancer I felt indifference it was like I was not invested at all. I was like I don’t care 🤷♀️ Then when I was told he died several years later from the cancer I had the same reaction of indifference. It is hard to explain how it’s a blank space. I have more of an emotional reaction towards a stranger having cancer and them dying from cancer!
Sweet sweet indifference. I remember when my moment came and I started LAUGHING in my covert narcs face during one of his rants because I finally saw him as a man child throwing a temper tantrum. Of course my physically abusive narc didnt like that… BUT I DIDNT CARE. I knew I had to go at that point and started planning my escape while managing the narc…. As an empath, it’s hard to not feel. But if you can control your energy, control your super power, and sympathize without making the narcs burdens your own burden to bear. Empaths, STOP feeling guilty about leaving the narc at his saddest/lowest point- you cant save him. That’s between God and him. It will be ok. Praying for us all 💛
Great article, as usual! Indifference is the only way I could move on without continuing to feel constant pain and guilt. I try to save my heart and energy for people who actually give back the same. Boundaries are still difficult for me to set but I’m getting so much better at it! I agree, indifference is the key. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
I found it almost happened naturally, automatically, unconsciously with my Mother. I hit a point of such extreme pain, went no contact for about a year, then it was superficial contact but deep inside my reality, it was no contact. With my ex of 25 years, it’s been harder because of my children, but indifference comes about as close to the best word for the grey rock version of how to feel towards these ones. Neutral is good also. Like when your car is in neutral, your energy, or more likely, their negative energy, isn’t going to invoke any action or reaction. Lukewarm, like “Oh, I didn’t even notice you there.” They hate that, too insignificant to warrant notice.
While you learn to become ‘indifferent’ to the narcissism and gradually dissolve the toxic restimulation from past and present experiences, then in the present you also become newly objective to the greater experiences. While applying these things you begin to pick up on with refreshed and valued meanings for results you think more so of being impartial than indifference because you will be exploring this resurgence of pleasures, your being is reintroduced to its own course of interest, an interest that the whole soul of humanity might be yearning for 🙏
I needed this. I know I am an empath, and sometimes I wish to take away my narc’s emotionally neglectful childhood so that he could become a more loving, giving person. I empathize with his past. And that holds MY recovery back. I think I have to be selfish. I have to place myself first before I start thinking of the world again.
Great explanation! I use the term “emotional detachment” but I do get using the term indifferent in relation to healing from narcissistic abuse. I really appreciate the message on how we are able to free ourselves from this type of bond that holds us down, and then put our energy in to living fuller and more meaningful lives!💪💜
Relief that they are no longer part of your life you are even glad they in another relationship and hope that distracts them enough to stay away from you, thats an incredible relief. Such a great feeling. They no longer have power over you. You are free. Yes you are indifferent to them and their wiles and open and free to enjoy healthy relationships. Its a great feeling. Accepting of who they are they will probably never change, but no longer your problem. Whoohoo
Many of us don’t look back to want to know or help. Some of us are lucky to be alive. It’s a different form of healing when ur dealing with a psychopath narc. You still grieve. You still feel betrayed. But if you survived from almost dying, it’s a little bit different than others healing from narc abuse. It’s not that we don’t ruminate or go through self doubt, rage, envy, or questioning in our minds, … It’s that we just don’t ever want to see them or rescue them. We’re scared of them. Law failed us so we have double the healing in a way. The injustice does get you angry, but knowing how dangerous they are, allows you to move on far away from them. Making it a point to concentrate on us n our healing rather than wanting to see them. Criminals are dangerous. I’m giving myself as much time as I need to recover. I would urge any victims to take as much time as you need w no shame or feeling of inadequacy that ur not healing right or fast enough. Trauma is serious. It’s different healing process n time for everyone. One set way doesn’t fix all. Mix it up. Soothe yourself through the process. Don’t punish urself that you have bad days or have some yucky thought in ur mind. Find urself n love urself the ways u always wished ur parents and or exe would have. Learn how valuable you are to you. Grief and betrayal based on manipulation and cruelty takes time. N maybe it’s ok time may not heal all wounds but time be the thing that made you into the BADASS you that you met along the way n they’re the most incredible person you ever met!
Dead on, I finally learned to let go and leave my anger behind. I genuinely feel indifferent and almost forgiveness. I also recognize those primal triggers will always surface over email or interaction, but now I anticipate and accept them. It’s liberating knowing this. But yes I do feel sad for my parents who still enable my brother.
This article is exactly what I needed to see today! Had a run-in with the narcissistic duo (ex and his wife) at a family thing. Nightmares, impotent raging and exhaustion with dysregulation for over 2 weeks ensued. Yep, he still has power and I allow it. I would say, instead of indifference, the word detachment fits, for me. The word was explained to me this way; detachment is like a drawbridge; you can keep it up to protect yourself or sometimes let it down; always knowing you have the power to draw it up again. In my case, I’d leave it UP. Sometimes I may need to be in the same place with them, but detachment can serve me, even then: just don’t engage. I’ll be practicing this, going forward. And I’m getting help/guidance in physically moving away from them. To another State.
I agree with you completely! I am quite near the top of the hill and total indifference. It IS incredibly freeing. It is utterly awesome to love myself enough to not only not care about that person any longer but to be free from that toxic caring and situation. I never wished any ill will. The closet I came to that was during the healing process, the anger stage, when I felt like I wanted that person to hurt as bad as they hurt me. It didn’t last long and I accepted those feelings as needed for my healing. I am an extremely loving, kind and compassionate person and understood those feelings were a result of the deep pain I suffered but not my core soul. Healing from narcissistic abuse is like no other healing, similar but much more difficult, at least that’s how it was for me. I don’t doubt that I would have some sort of reaction if I did run into him. The intensity of the games of narcissistic abuse run SO deep, and wound in ways like nothing else I have ever experienced, I’m pretty sure I would have a gut reaction. BUT, I am also pretty sure that I’d be able to get it under control, accept it and move on much faster. Thanks for all you do!
I have found that feeling indifferent has helped me to heal because there was a time in my life where I cared too much about what people thought of me. I have found that it makes my life less stressful when I don’t care too much when someone tries to bully or coerce me. I used to feel like I had to win a guy over if I liked him, but now I prefer a guy having to win over me, so while I will still flirt and show interest, if they start to acting like a jerk, I won’t be afraid to tell them off.
I’ve experienced the power of indifference myself, or being impartial. It is when you clearly recognise that somebody is trying to project their insecurities or ideals etc onto you without it affecting you and you just see the reality of wjat is occuring. Then you can respond accordingly and still use compassion and kindness without their projection affecting you. It is very satisfying when you realise and excercise this if you have spent most of your life being a people pleaser and a pushover. When you realise your own strength you no longer need validation from anybody which is a great freedom 🙂
I’ve found myself binge perusal your articles as I’m yet again going through another break up with the same man… 13 years of on again off again, and every time I get away he pulls me back in. Something I’ve learned is “hoovering” … but perusal your articles gives me strength. He’s an abusive, pathological liar narcissist with a porn addiction and I’m exhausted from trying to fight for the good I thought I see in him… now I’m fighting for myself ♡ thank you Dr Ramani
Thank you. Your articles are really helping me get back on my feet again. This one especially. It rings so many bells for me that I’m beginning to look at things very differently. Been going through the trauma bond fall out. Hasn’t been easy for the last 3 years but I’m really beginning to see the light thanks to yours and some other websites on YouTube giving great advice and clarifying how our emotions drive us.
Thankyou Dr Ramani your articles are blessing for me, I suffered from child hood trauma and domastic Voilence,ends up getting married to a person in a Patriachal society who was very strict,critic and controlIing My son lives with us but unfortunately is suffering from schizopherenia and is dependent on us My husband is spending most of his time with them,especially with his wife and grand children he seems happy and comfortable,and ignoring and insulting me by comparing and appreciating her all the time,when i complained to him,”he said i like such simple women i will give her all kind of financial,physical and emotional support, I dont like strong dictator type woman like you” since then i feel so abondened and hurt as he has another excuse of abusing and gas lightining me After four years of hard struggle, I finally decided being indifferent and independent in my affairs with silent treatment….hope i recover and able to come out of this trauma bonding
Everything said is spot on. I learned indifference (or, as one of my former therapists advised me: to tell the narcs. to fuck off – pardon my French, here 😝) by doing it with a former colleague at work who is a narcissist when he was trying to lure my vulnerabilities again and I answered on a harsh tone, filled with a strong fuck off message (body language) and what happened next was.amazing: I observed him becoming this tiny very insecure child not knowing how to react. And I mean it was laughable. The next I learned was exactly that: how to turn around (180°) and not try to save the other people revolving around the narcissist even if they are well intended folks. Happened with two former friends (sadly, I had to cut off the relationships) where once I stopped being the shield of the narcissism I saw them crumble and becoming very insecure when I told them I’m out of the rodeo. And what’s even sadder, is that it’s because these former friends themselves were lacking internal resources to keep at bay the narcissist. I came to realize that folks that are invulnérable to narcissists are.people who you’ll rarely see them engaged (like fully engaged) in a narcissistic relationship. At best they’ll coexist with them although in a way that tolerates the narcissists temporarily until h/she finds a more healthy space. This was a hard lesson for me recently and a very painful one, although I’m glad to have had that experience because now I’m in a so much better place, able to see these dynamics.
Thank you once again! I’m so greatful for your dedication to this very real thing that is narcissistic abuse. You help me feel sane and validated. I can not wait to get to the point of indifference with my Narc. I always say that when I get to the point of not caring about him and his life and his new supply, then I will truly be free and healed……however I sometimes feel I will never get there but you just made sense about the physiological reaction. So true…thanks again.
Thank you Dr for sharing that you’re understanding comes from experience also. You’re insight has always been deeper than text book knowledge and it is helping to hear that we can all learn and understand to a degree where we are now longer effected as the victim. Thank you for sharing and being someone who can, and we can also, relate with (us).
Thank you so much dear Dr Ramani! After 14 years of full blown narcissistic toxic marriage i woke up today feeling: “indifference” and peace and calm, and even a glimpse of joy! In the middle of the anxiety of the situation of course. And your article came up!!! Yesterday i Got an attorney secured to start proceedings… you are so so good! You have been sent as a blessing to thousands of victims. Never hold your voice! “That one Who speaks my truth will be my mouthpiece!!! Bible verse comes to mind. Hoping i will find my way to myself❤️🙏
Thank you for this particular episode. I struggle with compassion then indifference the balance or the choice. I’ve been with narcissists all my life and now after 13 years married I woke up. I am stuck financially so I am trying to work a balance between showing up minimally, recognizing patterns of abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and indifference and gray rock. I didn’t know how to do this until you explained how here. Thank you so much for being here, for offering your insights and education. We really need this.
Dr. Ramani, I have a suggestion for an alternative to “indifference.” How about “disengagement”? After all, we’re talking about a lack of concern for what happens next to the narcissist that is born from a decision we make at some point to disengage from the task of fulfilling the narcissist’s needs, which are a well with no bottom, and thus to save ourselves from the abuse we have suffered at this person’s hands, sometimes for our entire lives. It is not an indifferent decision. It’s a decision to disengage from that which is actively doing us harm, and to value ourselves. The emotional distance we gain from our abuser which eventually follows this decision could be accurately described as “disengagement.”
For me, it’s what I’ve always thought of as ‘healthy detachment’. I realized I needed to detach on all levels in order to support lasting healing and health within myself (i.e. mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually, socially, etc.). So ‘healthy detachment’ became my goal, which, thankfully, I’m finally getting close to achieving in the fullest sense possible for my circumstances… The person is feeling more like a stranger to me now and that’s such a huge relief I can’t even begin to put it into words.
“I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who makes things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation.” Nietzsche
What is tough about letting go of a narcissist is usually they were fulfilling some kind of missing void we had in our lives. So when they are gone, I don’t miss them necessarily, I miss that missing role that is still empty. So perhaps some of this grieving process is also letting go of the concept we have to have a mother, brother, sister, etc. in our life to somehow be whole. I love what you said though about having indifference towards the person so that you can free yourself up to love more deeply in other parts of your life. I find that too be very true. One thing I don’t want is for them to steal my joy. Even though the loss of this person feels great, the ability to have my freedom back to be my most authentic self is much more valuable. And bringing my authentic self means allowing the sun to come out in my soul so I can shine for others (and myself) again. Which for me means they walk away with a piece of me, but they don’t get to walk away with my inner core. If the word indifference is the difference between remaining in the relationship or truly letting go, than I chose to see the word indifference as a result of healing and not one of my heart turning into stone.
It took my 7 years to heal from my ex husband sociopath. 7 long yrs. I am completely indifferent to him. I dont justify dont engage anymore i know who he is and i dont feel he is part of me. I dont expect him to change anymore or show feelings for me. I dont talk about him anymore. He is an enemy. He is someone i have to protect myself for the rest of my life. I have this very very clear now. I dont suffer anymore and i have no fear. Indifference is freedom
Hi Dr Ramani, You are so right in what you say about narcissistic people. I was married to one for 32 years. I had no idea he was a narcissist, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t breathe anymore. I just wanted to drive into a brick wall. Nobody knew what I was going through. I lived two different lives. One was the happy life at work and the other was the depressed life at home. But I was able to get away from him. I was able to divorce him but in the end he still controlled me. But I am still healing, it’s been five years now, and it still hurts, but I am free from him. I am happier now. Time does heal wounds.
always discovered his lies and finally his betrayals, I confronted him and he always denied it. Our relationship lasted almost 5 years of ups and downs where I was always the one to end it but he came back and I continued to be a friend, until before Christmas I cut him off permanently. Never block it, I always thought indifference kills a lot more! Just 3 months ago I confirmed that he is a narcissist through yours articles 😉 if I block him I’m giving him the importance he doesn’t have!Thank you🥰
Going through my 1st 30 days of no contact with my borderline ex. The relationship was a real rollercoaster ride thru hell not only with the extreme emotions of hers but the anger/resentment which infected me.The therapist then told me “indifference” is my goal & believe me it can’t get here any sooner.
I’ve been perusal a silly show on Hulu and words spoken by one of the teenage characters, far from words spoken by the likes of Chekov, says, “the opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s indifference.” That’s it. My relationship with the narcissist in my life has turned to indifference. It came about quite naturally and I finally got what they have been feeling about me all these long years. It’s no wonder they never reached out to include me in——well, every family occasion. They are indifferent to me. I get it. Finally our feelings are mutual. I’ve chosen to exclude them from my life from now on. I think I’m giving us all a gift. It’s very liberating.
I think a better word is “independence” which can feel like indifference. Independence is the freedom from feelings about the narcissist and the toxic relationship. Freedom from the rumination and painful memories that they stir. Being at peace the the outcome, not needing closure any longer and fully accepting the relationship as over. Narcissistic relationships do not end they stop. To not allow the narcissist to occupy any real estate in your thoughts and moving on without any need to look back. Freedom from needing any answers about the relationship. Definition: Independence: adjective. not influenced or controlled by others in matters of opinion, conduct, etc.; thinking or acting for oneself: an independent thinker. not subject to another’s authority or jurisdiction; autonomous; free: an independent businessman. not influenced by the thought or action of others. Thank you Dr. Ramani. You teach independence.
After 30 years of marriage, this is exactly where I am!! I totally agree with Dr. Ramani — “you” will never really be over it. You will never understand it. You will never really come to terms with it — because YOU are not at all like them. You dont think like them. It IS like a death except they are still here which changes the perspective so to speak. You have to go to the place where you can kinda put it on a shelf and let go of it — it will always be there. If you don’t find your safe place — it doesn’t mean you’ve accepted it — it WILL eat you up. It means you realize that you aren’t them. There is no rationalizing or explaining any of it. You have to accept that it is what it is and realize there is no explanation other than you had a relationship with someone that was very bad and destructive. The indifference means you stop processing it and trying to figure everything out; trying to make sense of it— it is like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. You have to realize it just doesn’t fit; it never will fit.