Resentment in marriage can be a significant issue, often resulting from a loss of trust or betrayal. To address this, it is essential to process the feelings that come with it, let them be seen, and use a meditation app to release the burden of resentment. Practice identifying and allowing yourself to feel the underlying emotions that anger may be superimposed upon, such as hurt or fear. Separate the person from the behavior and use “I” statements to be a good listener. Focus on your partner’s good qualities and remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. Prioritize your marriage, as life can get hectic, especially with kids and demanding careers. Failure to let go of resentment can further disintegrate connections with others and damage intimate relationships. A ten-step process to resolve resentment and let go of the past can be found in writing your story. The world is not fair, so it is crucial to address resentment in a marriage.
📹 How To Overcome Resentment In Your Relationship
Resentment is a huge issue in relationships and we all experience it because there are always things that happen that that we …
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Sometimes, one spouse leaves the other suddenly. The other spouse is shocked. This is called “walkaway wife syndrome.” This term is used for when a spouse, often the wife, feels alone, neglected, and resentful in a bad marriage and decides to leave. What is walkaway wife syndrome? The term “walkaway wife syndrome” suggests a sudden decision, but it often comes after a long period of conflict. The divorce takes years to happen. After trying to get her spouse to deal with their relationship issues, the wife finally decides it’s pointless. She has thought about her options and is ready to leave the marriage.
Why am I so irritable with my husband?
Sometimes things are out of your control. You can only control your own behavior. Decide if you can accept these annoying differences. Being annoyed doesn’t mean your relationship is over. It can be a sign that you need to take care of yourself and honor your feelings. If you’re always irritated and your relationship is bad, see a therapist.
Can a relationship recover from resentment?
You can fix relationships. If you’re still struggling, see a counselor. You can now choose between traditional in-person therapy and online therapy. Verywell Mind uses only reliable sources to support the facts in our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we check facts and keep our content accurate.
Manalel JA, Birditt KS, Orbuch TL, Antonucci TC. Marital tension and marital well-being. 2019;33:597-606. doi:10.1037/fam0000512.
How to repair resentment in marriage?
How can you let go of resentment? Acknowledge your feelings. … Talk to your spouse. … Make a list of what you need from your spouse. Don’t gossip about your spouse. … Be empathetic. Go to counseling if needed.
- Reviewed by Sara Makin, M.Ed, LPC, NCC
- Updated January 24, 2022
Ever wondered how to get past resentment in your marriage? Do you feel resentful towards your spouse? You might not know what it is or why it’s happening, but you know it makes you feel bad. Resentment is common in marriages. It can be tough to get past. In this blog post, we’ll look at six questions to ask when dealing with resentment in your marriage. We’ll talk about what resentment is, why it happens, and how to let go of it.
Can a marriage survive resentment?
If left unaddressed, resentment can ruin a marriage. Resentment makes it hard to deal with problems. It makes staying together seem hopeless and pushes one or both partners to leave.
It takes shared responsibility, talking openly, and doing the healing work. You have to understand each other’s hurts, talk about them, and meet each other’s needs. Imagine there’s a glass window between you and your partner. To have a good connection and emotional intimacy, the window needs to be clean and clear.
What is the walk away wife syndrome?
What is “walkaway wife syndrome”? Walkaway wife syndrome is when a wife leaves her husband because she is unhappy. The phenomenon begins when a wife feels disconnected from her spouse. She may or may not say she’s unhappy. If she does speak up, she may feel her spouse ignores her or dismisses her concerns. This makes her feel ignored and she withdraws emotionally. She may start living her life without her spouse.
Walkaway wife syndrome starts with the wife leaving because she feels unmet needs or dissatisfied. This may lead to less communication, less shared activities, and more focus on individual interests. Eventually, the wife may move out. Divorce is almost inevitable. This final step often comes as a surprise to the spouse. If the couple doesn’t divorce, they may lose respect for each other. Some call this “dead marriage syndrome.”
What is the root cause of resentment?
Resentment is an angry feeling when you are treated badly. Resentment often stems from feeling mistreated or wronged by another person. Frustration and disappointment are normal. If you feel too angry, it can make you resentful. This can break trust and love in a relationship. A person experiencing resentment feels angry, disappointed, bitter, and hurt.
People who always want to be right; being taken advantage of; feeling put down; unrealistic expectations; not being heard; people who are always late.
What is a silent divorce?
A silent divorce is a gradual separation between couples. It’s when the love and connection between two people slowly erodes, leaving them feeling like roommates.
Can you resent someone and still love them?
Yes, you can love and hate someone at the same time. These emotions can make you feel bad and affect your relationships.
What is superior wife syndrome?
I agreed with some of what she said, but I wouldn’t call it a syndrome. The author, Carin Rubenstein, says that millions of wives think they do everything better than their husbands. They think they’re more responsible, capable, and superior. Sounds like pride to me. This research is true. In the 1960s, women were told to do it all. We’ve been told we can work and raise kids at the same time. Some say we don’t need men. This temptation to exalt ourselves over our men is as old as the earth. I deal with this attitude more than I should. I do the dishes, laundry, and pack the car better than he does.
Why do I have so much resentment towards my husband?
Dealing with resentment in a relationship. Tips to strengthen your bond. Resentment in a relationship can come from many things, like neglect, lack of support, lack of intimacy, unresolved conflicts, lack of trust, and control issues. You need to know what causes resentment and work to fix them to stop it happening. Resentment toward your partner can hurt your relationship. Dealing with resentment in marriage or a relationship is important for a healthy relationship.
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What is the #1 cause of divorce?
Why people are getting divorced in the United States. 42. A recent survey found that lack of commitment is the main reason for divorce. Here are the reasons and their percentages:
- Lack of commitment 73%
- Argue too much 56%
- Infidelity 55%
- Married too young 46%
- Unrealistic expectations 45%
- Lack of equality in the relationship 44%
- Lack of preparation for marriage 41%
- Domestic Violence or Abuse 25%
(Respondents often cited more than one reason, so the percentages add up to more than 100 percent)
What Makes People More or Less Likely to Divorce? Your age. 43. 48% of those who marry before 18 are likely to divorce within 10 years, compared to 25% of those who marry after 25.
📹 How To Get Over Resentment
There is a process to stop feeling resentful so we can let go of resentment and in this video I’m going to teach it to you. ___ Get my …
This was probably the best and most cohesive article I have seen on this topic. I started with trying to understand how to forgive, because growing up I didn’t have that role model to show me how in a healthy manner. I knew how to be the brightest person in the room, but could never understand how handle various emotions nor truly FEEL forgiveness in the overall situation until a couple months ago either. This idea of resentment isn’t limited to romantic relationship, but by many other relationships in an individual’s life. Your explanation truly has an articulate and all-encompassing aspect to it. Thank you so much for your insights.
Seems the issue could be illiteracy or unwillingness to read and comprehend the vow / terms or condition of the initial treaty. When a business contract counteroffer becomes null and void, its not usual for the two parties be maintaining business relations with no verbal or written agreement first. Intimate partnership agreements, a great deal of suffering and deadly risks for entire community and nation with violent ripple domino effect. Thanks for sharing your success and helping others with your time.
“Don’t expect so much of other people and you won’t be disappointed as much,” my first husband once said to me. Over 30 years later, I haven’t forgotten that. I no longer expect big favors or even small ones from anyone, even my family. I used to resent them for allowing me to be homeless. But now I rely solely on myself and God. Thanks, Julia, for the enlightenment. You rock!
By resenting someone.. you’re giving them your power. It boils down to a person not doing what you wanted them to. I think a key to releasing resentment is accepting that other people will not always do what you want/expect them to do. People will make mistakes…and that’s okay. Communication is key. Thank you for this article. I watched resentment corrode my mother and sisters relationship.
I love the analogy of “drinking poison and hoping the other person dies” That is so true…theoretically…I had so much resentment towards my parents for years and one day I just let it go…it is freeing…now I occasionally have resentment towards my husband for not doing things or saying things I expect him to say or do…which is not fair to him…”outsourcing your happiness” to others…man that hit home!
I feel this strongly. I entered the in law family for 5 years and then the co sister in law just pops up after dating my husband’s brother for 6 months. I was so excited to be friends with her but she immediately was cold to me. She wouldn’t reciprocate any type of communication or connection I tried to make with her. What really began the resentment was how the in laws began to treat her. They treated me very cold and distance from the start, never tried to get to know me, won’t put any effort to communicate with me or hang out. I just chalked it up to us not being compatible or they are just defensive and don’t know how to act around me or they’re not good at talking to new people. But then in walks this new girl and immediately it was like the president had just married in to the family. They text and call her all the time, they go out to eat, they travel hours away to see her when I live 10 mins away, they chat so well with her and actually have conversations with her that aren’t superficial. Whenever I’m with them together they just shove down my throat how much more connected they are to the point that I resent this girl soo much. I question what I did to them, what I could’ve said or maybe I’m just not good enough. I tried mimicking what she does and it didn’t make a difference and it made me feel fake and like it really is that they just hate me for no reason. Now I have to sit back and watch them plan for her wedding and dress shop when the in laws couldn’t even be bothered to care about my wedding.
Lack of self respect and responsibility, to me, are two of the big key drivers to resentment. It’s understandably very tempting because it’s gratifying in the short term to relinquish politeness/self-respect and responsibility by lashing out to show dominance and demonstrating how malicious you can be if you don’t get your way so that no one can dare challenge and “mess with you”… but the problem is that it creates further problems and/or aggrevates the existing problem even more and that can lead to unnecessary disasters – because the more you engage in it (which you will if you just leave it alone and unconsciously), the stronger and worse it gets and can get extremely destructive and abusive and potentially murderous. It’s a vicious cycle; a feedback loop that incrementally builds as you habitualise it. So… leaving it unaddressed for long enough and it’s highly likely that the harboured bitterness and resentment can manifest itself unconsciously such as direct or indirect revenge on others, and escalating into worse matters such as extreme abuse. To resolve it, you have to address it as soon as possible and that’s firstly through painstakingly consulting with your own conscience and, if it helps further, you can discuss it with others such as your partner, friend, family member, therapist, etc. so that, rather than using him/her to think and/or do things for you (which takes your gift of independence away as well as unnecessarily burden the other person with things they’re not responsible for – it’s a insufferable situation for both of you), he/she can instead help you to think out loud for yourself by listening and reflecting back on your thoughts.
Hi Julia, I want to thank you for this article. I have been struggling with the most terrible thoughts because of all the resentment I have toward my family, in specific my father. He’s my father so my expectations were what a daughter should get from their father. I find myself having the hardest time forgiving and letting go of this anger. I was in a bad place in my mind and I live in my head most of the time. I just came across your article today for the first time. The resentment is a huge burden I carry everywhere and I find myself trying not to feel this way. It is not easy. I am responding over reacting most of the time. I have to watch more of your articles. Many thanks!
Hey Julia Love yr articles ..I love the fact that u seem to be talking from yr heart and not just rattling out information..love to hear yr personal anecdotes,makes me feel that u are real and applying yr advices to yourself. This is important to me coz it addresses the feeling, oh you don’t know what I am going through! Love the way u navigate to the central feeling of an emotion.. Hoping to apply and be successful !
Everything connected to me. This came at the right time for me as well. Working on a 12 step program and already did my 4th step which is writing out all resentments. We’re always reminded that expectations are future resentments. On step 9 now which is about making amends to people I have wronged and one of them is someone I have HUGE resentments against and have kept me stuck on this step for months now. I know that most likely they will never recognize or apologize for what they did to me so this article has helped me refocus on having to make amends to what I did to them, not what they did to me.
Julia, your content is always so right on target and communicated so effectively. You are making a HUGE difference in the community you influence by bringing truth and emotional health. I appreciate you and all I continue to learn from you. Thanks for using your talents to serve your community so beautifully 😊
Thank you Julia. I’m decades older than you but your wisdom is vast. Relationships can feel hard to navigate. you help us do that with your energy, generosity of spirit and sincere sharing. I believe that There is no panacea but with the wisdom we gain here and there we learn to manage relating better without damaging ourselves and others beyond repair. Kind of like find the breadcrumbs in the forest. So thank you for the spiritual nourishment you provide.
Julia, thank you so much for your honest, grounding, and inspirational articles. you deliver your messages in a way that makes me feel heard and safe. i’d love to see a article about how to get over feelings of guilt because you don’t feel “sick enough” or like your problems aren’t real? I often compare myself to my friends who struggle with diagnosed mental health problems, and then I don’t feel like I deserve help even though I struggle so much too.
Hi Julia, thanks agin for your contant, all the work you did on yourself and all your learning and invested work. It’s got so much value to share it online. I just got on the waiting list for the shift society, looking forward to that! 🙂 I am stuck with the childhood experience of being to much for my parents to handle emotionally, they confirmed that this impression was true a few weeks ago and I’m now trying to handle this, moving beyond social anxiety and lack of relationships. All your work is providing me with a lot of courage and a great entry way for tackling my emotions/beliefs that are often to much and overwhelming, so many thanks to you!
Julia Kristina, Thank you so much for all your beautiful work! You just brought peace in my mind and heart! I realised instantly that I was aspected the same thing from others persons… the recognition……. such a relief to know that actually there is no need to wait from someone nothing…. I can say to my self that I’m grateful for the beautiful job that I just done! And this is the big secret!
Wonderful article Julia! Thank you! I’ve been carrying resentment towards my ex for the past 9.5 years, partly because she has not met my expectations in regards to how she’s provided for our adult children, but also partly because she HAS provided (in her own way) to our children. I figured out that I’m resentful of her because I’m not happy with myself; that I’ve put the keys to my happiness in her pocket, instead of looking for them in MY pocket. Time to be responsible for my own happiness, and take positive actions that will bring me closer to that goal. Thank you again for this thought provoking message.
Thank you Julia – I really needed this – I was doing a guided mindful meditation on being kind – I did really feel that I needed this I want to add!! I mean I’m really kind! Part of it was to visualise someone that you didn’t ‘feel’ kindly to. So I did – what really surprised me is that I wasn’t willing to let go of the resentment and anger that I feel for them and then I actually saw that there were several people – in my past – that I still hold resent for. The scaring thing is that I don’t want to give this up for any of them!! This seem a bit crazy to me as on the whole I would say that I was a good person. My search about resentment lead me to you and I am thankful for your article – at least now I understand why I feel it – I just need to work on why I’m so comfortable with this resentment and why I don’t want it to go – I guess I still am waiting for them to ‘pay’ – ha ha and that’s not going to happen – oh dear – sad face!!
Hi, I really like the way you explain and talk about tricky issues. Resentment complicates our life, at least my life sometimes and it feels so good to hear someone talking about it. It can help to notice we are not alone and mostly that it exists some tools to get over this issue that might hold us back. Thanks again for your both clear and valuable tips. Have a good day. Take care!
Hey. This is quality content. I think my problem as a “people pleaser” is that I struggle with the fact that other’s don’t tend to have those tendencies and don’t view pleasing others (ME) as a priority and I get resentful that they don’t make the same effort as I do. I guess this is the rulebook I have made for myself and I need to take a different look at the situation. Thank you.
Thank you so much! You helped me realize that i am feeling resentful towards a friend and don’t feel like i can speak to them about it at all. This person puts me down often, has over stepped boundaries, disrespected me Infront of someone else, accusing me of things and just so many things over not even a year… Her insecurities were placed onto me instead of her bringing me up like a friend should as whole. I got belittled/ talked down to just degraded as person over such a small mistake (misplacing their drinks when moving them the night before) really early in the morning pretty much abusing me which made me remove myself from the conversation. Its getting too much and i think what makes me resent them the most is they treat me like this knowing how much im struggling and how much stress im under in my life. I don’t know what to do but I’m taking time to process my feelings. I’ve been in a friendship like this when i was younger very one sided criticism and the other can do no wrong. Ive said to their face lightly to stop coming at me and when they disrespected me Infront of someone they didn’t get the hint. I feel like they will jump down my throat or blame shift.
I feel that this speech is mostly applicable to anger, getting angry. When we cannot communicate what we need when we expect too much, then we get angry but resentful to me is very different and reasons are very different. It is a longer-term result of allowing others to disrespect, to disregard, to be unfair to you… and that is suppressed for a long time, when we allow that to happen and continue, one day the devil of resentment wakes up and very difficult to calm it down. Anger still can harm in the short-term due to our fuses being short and keep showing anger for anything even tiny stuff and it can cause damage to the relationships that are mostly good enough but the resentment usually comes up after a long time of allowing ourselves to be some form of abuse, unequal relationship and we know we did not we could not stand up for ourselves and kept allowing that to happen again and again and again with the same person. That is to me the resentment. If that was dealt with early on, after a few first instances by cutting off or confronting the person, it would just be healthy anger, not resentment – resentment brews like a strong bitter cup of tea that makes it a hidden enemy of health and all other neurotic behaviours later in life.
I’ll go you one more. It is actually our responsibility to ourselves to provide the; respect, love, compassion, gratitude, etc. that we sometimes expect from others. Don’t kid yourself, they feel our resentment too even if we don’t say anything. The best part is that when we unconditionally give; respect, love, compassion, gratitude, etc. to ourselves then we can give that to others. You cannot give what you don’t have. The less expectations we have of others then the more peaceful and happy we are, and less fearful. When gratitude is conditional on someone else expressing it to us, it can also be taken away, hence the fear. That puts a lot of pressure on relationships and a lot of score keeping. Since I have been practicing self-encouragement, I really enjoy encouraging others, and I am detached from whether they encourage me or not. Love your website!
The Resentment I held within my heart for this past year.Cost me being able to enjoy and appreciate the last times I should have made as favorable and Memorable moments I could have shared with the women who gave me life.I could not feel past my hurt let alone Open my mouth to ever truly tell my mother what I was feeling in my heart.If I could have only expressed to her how much I loved her and needed her in my life.Instead of holding all my pain in and acting as if she only made me mad.I can see myself so clear now that she passed away this Mother’s Day early morning.When I was filled with hurt only my anger would show.Yet now that she is no longer around the anger is now gone and I can now feel all my moms worth.Its hard when you come to terms to know you don’t actually know how to express hurt emotions only every other emotion In between.I grow up holding my hurt inside and shaking it off.But over the years it’s made me sheltered off from mostly all.Knowing now that I have a major problem if I couldn’t even open up my heart to let my own mother back inside.Has me seeking deeper within to figure myself out.I wish I could have just told my mom I loved her instead of avoiding her out my life.At the time I thought that’s what I needed to heal but either way I struck out because my moms life wasn’t as long as I had always imagined it would have been.They say in life we learn yet this is one lesson I would rather LiVe WiThOuT💔Thanks Julia Kristina for all your helpful insights and Techniques to inner healing.
I’m three minutes in. Are you seriously telling me women at large do not know that I want them to find me attractive and that I want to find them attractive in a mutual exchange. They do know, we all know. I agree, resentment is unmet expectations, and human desire is a core expectation. That is all resentment is here. It’s not drinking poison, it’s not about knowledge and awareness. It’s constant, lifelong negative reactions by the same people that cause you to dislike them.
the two people I hold resentment toward aren’t even in my life anymore. they were malignant narcissists and took advantage of an asymmetrical power dynamic in our living situation (relational aggressive, gaslighting, deflecting, hostility, narcissistic rage, every kind of abuse you can think of besides physical, etc.). I’m pretty sure the last and most terrible of the two was in a cult. I’m just in a fog and fallout from narcissistic abuse syndrome/c-ptsd at this point. There hasn’t been a day where I haven’t fantasized about extreme revenge, and the last of it was in Oct of last year. My limbic system is totally fried at this point. Wish there was better, more experience-informed advice for people who don’t have partners/strong social networks and still find themselves in these situations (e.g., millennials who have co-habit in ways previous generations did not).
I’m still struggling somewhat with how to get over resentment as a child who carries resentment towards their parents. I feel like that is a case where it really is “fair” to expect certain things from them, and the expectations I had for them are basic parenting expectations. I can certainly take care of myself and find my own happiness as an adult now, but whenever they talk to me about my childhood I still feel resentful.
I have a Big resentment. I had a friend for 5 years and things were GREAT. Lots of shareing and talking about things important to us and our lives. Then, an person I knew from 25 years ago that treated me badly came into the picture. When she 1st started the job she came up to me and asked me, “Did I ever do anything years ago that hurt your feelings?” I thought about all the things she had done to me but lied and told her, “No.” I did that because if she honestly does not remember how she treated me that woukd be a good thing. And now that sge is about 50 she should be grown up enough to not ve so caniving and manipulative like when she was younger. She and my friend started spending time together and within 5 weeks my friendship was completely demolished. I walked into the breakroom and they were in there talking but once they saw me all the talking stopped. I had to go around the corner to get supplies and when I came out they still were not talking but I saw my friend roll her eyes. Id never seen her do that even once in all the years Id known her. I knew the chick was telling stories about me and 1 collegue came tovme and asked me if I wanted to know the aweful things the chick was saying aboyt me to everyone. I told her no I didnt want to know. She just spent a lot of time cutting me down and trying to ruin my reputation at work. My friend actually chewed me out at work 3 separate times in front of other employees about how I did something at work without consulting her first and how I should have done such and such instead.
I resent my mum for keeping me in a violent home. Even though my mum was loving and my dad was the violent one, I just hate my mum for keeping us there – she could have taken us away but she didn’t . And I know that she will have been doing her best, she was obviously more scared to leave than to stay. But I grew up with so many mental health issues and now have CFS which is linked directly to the trauma and anxiety disorders. So I HATE her, but I desperately want to forgive and love her. She’s a good person.
At my place of employment I thought I mastered the arts of resentment. I never knew what the feeling was called until today. A couple days ago I had to do this new job at work .I was catching a slight attitude because I thought my co-worker should’ve helped me a little more because these tasks were very handsy and just a lot of physicals energy for my pay grade lol. Julia, you are so right . I expected him to be a GENTALMEN and help a girl out i was struggling. Those were my unspoken expectations for him to be someone of merit lol (I’M jk). My respone that day was a little extra. Towards the end of the shift I acted obviously agitated and aggravated( resentment). I sometimes let people and my expectations for them break my character . now i have a strategy for moments like this because its like they always pop up random. and Subscribed
This was awesome! I wish I had listened to this a long time ago. Along the lines of giving yourself what you need, how does that work with physical touch? I know you can give yourself a hug, or rub your arms or something like that, but it’s not the same as when your spouse touches you. Like trying to tickle yourself or something. When you’ve been up umpteen times with the baby, and you climb back into bed, it means so much when my husband rests his hand on my shoulder or waist, like he’s acknowledging all my hard work and sleep deprivation in taking care of the baby. When he does that, his hands are always warm, it’s magical, my stress melts away. My hands are almost always cold, and I could try putting them on my shoulder or waist, but I don’t think it will have the same wonderful effect that my husband’s hand does.
Although I also agree with everything she says about expectations. I find it’s about unappreciatiation and lack of respect that has already been discussed and they don’t get what you mean.🤔 I havent gotten a Birthday, Christmas or Mother’s day gift in years from my daughters. If I even vaguely bring it up the deflection is painful and changes nothing. So I continue a resentful relationship, otherwise I’m the petty one and then that hurts and we become estranged because of me. It’s a very vicious cycle. The more I let slide the bigger it gets. I’m seeing it with others too. We are a large go along to get along family . It’s getting more difficult for me to handle as I get older
I’ve never haduch of a support system, so I gave it in droves knowing how vital it is and esp. knowing how it’s absence feels. I became independent to a fault because most of my relationships made me feel ornamental, but through that I got great at understanding and deflecting potential disappointments or offenses as self-proclaimed ‘master’ of my domain. However, that was never my truth and as extremes go, I went from one to another,now being this unrecognizable bitter, angry and flailing mess of a human, struggling to maintain any semblance of health or coping. I know the power is in my hands but after being so good to so many only for them to demonize me and somehow expect the worst of me, I’m now more than happy to fulfill their expectations and it’s all pain. Whether I take the high road or the low road, it’s all depleting, and it feels like the only way to remedy this complete existential fatigue is to hurt, either the one’s I love or myself, though the anguish I carry now spills out onto them as theirs has me for as long as I’ve lived in this endless exchange of suffering, which makes the whole thing seem more fated than optional, so how does one go about untangling that absolute dreadlock of emotions?
I learned not to expect anything from anyone or any situation. and to speak up for my needs and wants and we cant change or control how people or other things that may happen to us,we can only control how we respond.-example if someone mistreats you can tell them that you dont accept that and if they keep mistreating you then you have to walk away.!!!
Love this article, Julia ❤️ Great questions you asked yourself that I actually wrote them down. Curious on how you apply this with boundaries? I don’t have deep conversations on why we have the boundaries we have. I will tell them before or when they are crossed. If the other person respects us, sees us as value, they will do their best not to repeat crossing them or just have a blatant disregard. Thanks for your feedback in advance 😊
Just found your website after searching ‘resentful’ and spending a weekend with a (girl) friend that I was very disappointed about. It definitely didn’t match my expectations because it was planned around something she wanted to do but then bowed out of, which spoiled things. I didn’t want to raise any issues as I thought it would just lead to an argument. I really should have followed my initial instinct because I had a feeling she hadn’t prepared in advance (for a special event around hiking). I’m still feeling rather cross as it involved expenditure and me driving 6 hours. I completely agree she probably isn’t aware of why I was not on good form. Not sure how to fix the situation now.
This is powerful. I wonder how this would apply in a relationship where there’s constant invalidation and affirmation. Even after you voiced what you like? It seems like some needs we can’t supply ourselves or you can get them from others when your in a committed relationship. Yeah I don’t know. This was powerful though.
Hi Julia, amazing article! I really needed to hear all of it. However the part I’m struggling is, the person I have resentment with and I had a discussion. I feel like we ended it at a good place and was able to get a lot off my chest, I felt better afterwards for that day. however it’s still really hard to not bring up all those negative emotions when I see him. He’s a family member so he’s hard to avoid. How do I move on?
In my case and I just recently realized this, my resentment towards soon to be my ex wife (about to divorce) came from me putting her in a pedestal. It destroyed my marriage. I finally realized that most if not all my bad behaviors(being needy, being upset, being immature, and everything else) came from having so much expectations from her. And none of that is her fault. Because I was the one that put her up that pedestal. I don’t wanna bring my upbringing but I think it’s a big part of it. It’s a dangerous thing to put someone up a pedestal. I wish I realized that way before so I could have changed it and possible change the outcome of my marriage. But I feel like it’s too late now. If anything I’ll walk away from this divorce learning something
I found it useful to think about the root cause of my expectation/resentment. What childhood wound is this resentment coming from? Feeling abandoned, unheard, alone, helpless, neglected. Like for the therapist in the article it feels she didnt get enough recognition as a child for when she was proud of something. It’s really noone’s fault. Hope her husband doesnt have avoidant attachment style. Thinking it comes from my subconscious hurts helps me cool down a little and understand myself. It still hurts, but in a more compassionate and understanding way…
My mom passed away when I was 8 and her family basically moved on without me….My dad turned into a different man and abandoned, neglected, and abused me at the hands of his new wife….no relatives believed me/took it seriously….now that dad and I have no relationship they say move on, NO apologies, only excuses, outer family members can only say “it’s not your aunt and uncle’s fault”….for some reason when it involves a child people can only see blame (on the parent), not empathy. No one seems to think a child needs to feel loved or cared for? I’m very angry at almost everyone and everyday is hard.
I really struggle with resentment and haven’t been able to shake the habit for years. What I just realized was that harshest expectations I have are for myself…when you asked if you would expect yourself to be responsible for other people’s happiness and to take on meeting their needs I do that. It’s totally self imposed but I do it willingly and wonder why no one else does it for me. I know logically I can’t read others minds but I try my hardest until I see their mood change.
I was just resenting someone as this article popped up. I’m glad I am all tapped in . Thanks. I guess I’m in the other category. Someone told me time was my decision to meet, then write me later saying update he squeezed in something and he could.only meet at a time. No where in the message was I hope this fits or I know I said the decision could be yours…( It was just meeting for a drink) My question is this a sign of how behavior might cycle. Something coming before me? ..I am.in the recognizing a red flag early on and not wasting my time. But I am.sure he’s only thinking it’s a drink. So I simply asked him maybe you want to just have a drink with your friend when your finished helping him? I am curious if meeting me is not really high on his list. To feel better i.let it go…but I am also thinking to let it ALL go and move onto the next. I am.learnimg how to speak up for myself.im not sure what’s most important here.
Hi.i am big fan of yours. Really loved ur website.I have been pracrtising things you discuss, in my life to build my mental strength, i was thinking that i am doing good and improving. But suddenly a situation came up and i got indulge into a unncesseary arugment and fight.why couldnt i apply the curosity concept there, even though i wanted to.
Interesting article Julia. I never really gave resentment much of a thought. This made me more curious. As I am thinking now, even with some of the stuff I shared with you and in our group, I don’t think I have any resentment towards others. Not even for the person who stole my car! lol (Well, maybe just a little.😉) Thanks for sharing your example so I can relate to it if I ever go through a similar situation. I am curious though, did you let your husband know how you thought and felt when he didn’t reply the way you were hoping after thanking him? As you know, I am a single guy, so I am just wondering how this relationship stuff works lol See ya soon!
I have resentment towards my fiance because I found out he had an online affair with some girl. He excepted responsibility and said he wasn’t in the right place emotionally and apologized. But I just can’t seem to get over it after months. I don’t know how to move on. I thought we were sooooo happy beforehand. But he was in the process of getting over an addition as well so a part of me is understanding to it. It just hurts so bad. He continued to show deceit in some ways until he grew more emotionally stable. Now he’s done better but I don’t know how to get over it. We used to love on each other so much, we still talk about how much we both miss those times.. but.. he wasnt happy apparently at all. 🥺 HELPPPPP
What’s the point of getting into a relationship with zero expectation? Yes, from time to time I need that appreciation. Cuz I’m human, cuz I have ups and downs, cuz interactions with people is an invaluable part of healing process, we are social creatures. This doesn’t have to make us codependent but we need to accept that we are interdependent. No relationship can last long, without appreciation and respect. Yes he will give it to me or he will leave. Lack of appreciation is also a form of communication. It communicates many things about the other. He was tired, he had issues, it was a mistake OR he is a selfish/unkind/ungrateful person, incapable or unvilling to appreciate? This MATTERS. Whatever you say can make me believe otherwise. That doesn’t mean that I need constant outside validation, it means I choose not to choose such unfulfilling relationships since I deserve much better than that, since I’m a person who appreciates and raises the other. I expect the same and there’s nothing wrong about it. If I had not recognized myself and had not felt that I deserved that pat on the back, I wouldn’t have noticed the absence of it in the first place. That tells enough about my self appreciation, no missing part there. I get angry or resentful because I know I deserve it and I’m not getting it. I can give it to myself and I’m, by not accepting crappy behaviour and lack of appreciation. How about that??
2 woman.. for rejecting me, or not understanding me. Basically for turning on me. (texts mentioned in another comment) I’ve been trying to figure out those feelings. It’s disappointment with how I was treated…. because it seems they were resenting me, I did not meet their bargain. I am upset they even had a bargain for me as I totally took them how they were, and supported them with no expectations. In fact, I regularly worked through those disappointments I felt, and even openly told them my feelings.. which is where this resentment from them came, through me feeling hurt (it seems I was unjust in their eyes ). Anyway, I resent how I was spoken to by people who I trusted to allow me to be me. but yeah… your previous article was right.. it’s okay to not meet their expectations.
I have struggle with resentment towards my ex husband because he hurt me in unimaginable ways that God himself wouldn’t forgive and the road to forgiveness has been hard even though I have never shown it to him and have blessed him in many ways for the sake of myself and our children, but I have no emotions or feel anything other than resentment because he moved on to an amazing women while I stayed with all the pain and hurt I suppressed in order to heal and move forward for my children to see a strong mother and not worry. Years later.. I know I’m still broken and hurting from the trauma and abuse from their father who is now going to marry an amazing girl who he doesn’t deserve. I’m working on myself EVERYDAY. I hate that he made me into a heartless, cold person in order to the strong women I am today.
This article talks about one important and perhaps quite common dynamic that can build resentment, but the title sorta implies that it will deal more generally with resentment, rather than just the one specific dynamic. I think the article was well-made, but poorly titled. A lot of the other comments are saying similar things, some with perhaps more vigour than kindness, but it’s a point worth making. Quite a lot of resentment comes from sources that we have not entirely fabricated in our own minds.
We are all imperfect people, and we all have our good days and bad days. But if we don’t get control of our emotions, we’re going to allow every little slight to affect us negatively. We’re going to be in a constant state of anger and resentment. It’s not a healthy way to live. I read somewhere…”Do not stop doing good just because no one gives you credit.
What do you do, when your boss continuously corrects your mistake in a demeaning manner? Based on experience, you feel they might not appreciate you telling them how you feel about their actions. Also, you aren’t sure how to tell them about their degrading way of correction. Yet, it is something the team members took personal, but they think it pointless to bring it up to her because they are pissed and maybe feel she won’t recognise our pain. What do you do as the team leader? To save your mind and the sanity of your team member.
Yes to everything you said but also it’s very typical for man to just be happy to be acknowledged without giving acknowledgment to others. I say it is your husband’s job to make you feel appreciated. This is not just anybody we are talking about…this is the man you married. This is not just “other people”! You keep selling Abby’s story but underneath the sheet of feeling empowered you will make yourself wrong.
Despite theyre off of my life anymore, I feel scarred. And I get offended if ppl say it’s my responsibility. They caused the dmg, and I’m left w/ healing it, when they started it. Esp my old sis, it’s your responsibility, to heal from that. Take your power back. I still get weirded out. Ppl you meet, destroying your life, amd your old sis telling you that responsibility mo yan.
Things that seem coincidental… but makes me wonder is it? I’m driving home and ruminating on my desire to sail away on a boat with “No Expectations” written on the back. I saw this sailboat in The Keys and I thought “Yes!, that’s where I want to be!”. Once home I sit down to have a little YouTube break and this article is at the top of my feed. That damn mind reading algorithm, love it, hate it… ❤️
It’s difficult but doable. It’s a skill that needs to be honed or like a muscle that builds with each experience. Just get good at catching it the moment it starts. Take a few seconds and then tell yourself “I can’t control everything that happens to me but I can control how I react.”Memorize that, tattoo it on the inside of your eyelids! 😂 Too many regretful actions are a result of us not taking a moment before lashing out.
I have some resentment for how my husband treated me during the death of his mother. She died literally the day before his birthday and his family just imploded. He is the oldest and so everyone looked to him to take care of everything. Some of the family is were downright abusive to him and he just had to keep it together. I tried to be by his side and support him best I could, but he starts using me as an emotional trashcan during the whole thing. Shouting, calling me names, and even get angry with me because I wouldn’t let him throw away family keepsakes out of spite for his sister (who was being a real jerk to him in all fairness). He was so angry at me, threw everything he knew could hurt me in my face because I wouldn’t let him throw away family pictures: his baptism clothes when he was a baby, his grandfather’s flag. His sister was being so mean and I understood why he would want to get back at her, but that would’ve been too much amd I KNOW he would regretted it. So he lashed out at me instead. And I took it. Because I knew he wasn’t away like this. But months later and I find myself feeling resent for how he was. I know it’s wrong to be mad at him: his mom just died and his family were all acting horribly. But he was brutal to me for weeks. And then just today he brought up something in regards to one of his mom’s possessions; (a sore subject because he wouldn’t let me handle it at the time, but then just now wants to blame me for it not getting done??! ) and I just want to be away from him all day.
*my ex crush*: gave me obvious signs and started to date another girl out of sudden as I was about to confess. *a person I looked up to*: gave my number without my admission to someone who caused an assault on me and attacked me as well. and she even hangs around with those fake people who keep harassing me on the street. It’s so much I went through and sometimes I end up in bitterness and grudge when something triggers my memories about a situation or person. I don’t want to be like this…that’s not me…🥲
Fearing and grieving the loss of what was never ours to begin with can create significant trouble. Expectations easily turn into silent demands. Before we know it we are holding someone else as an emotional hostage. Take responsibility when and where you can. Don’t believe that others are obligated or responsible to help you write your story.
My fiancee left me and moved out just weeks after we found out that we finaly got pregnant together after three miscarriages in 6 months. My resentment is that she was not honest about how she was feeling about me and our relationship. I take ownership that I was not living in the present due to anxiety due to trouble at work. I started seeing a therapist and really working on myself to find happiness in the moment. I resent the fact that she refused to try any kind of couples counseling or any work on her own pain and unhappiness. I accept that we are no longer together, I’m upset that we choose to bring life into this situation.
Thank you Julia, I love your articles and get a lot of helpful insight from them. I have a question: In this article you talk about resentment for one incident, the sort of thing that happens regularly in a person’s life. What advice would you have for deep-seated resentment for more general, as opposed to specific, behaviour? For example, for someone who has felt for many years that a person, in general and consistently, does not respect him.
Hello. Experiencing resentment towards a dead person. After a year or so of understanding codependency and analysing the past it is obvoius now that abuse by an adult in the family was part of my growing up. First physical and emotional until the age of about 8-9 and then it became only emotional during my teens. Now I’m 58 and this is the moment when I finally get it. The abuser passed away 4 years ago and now when I remember all that happened I can’t help but to feel resentment. Still working on it as resentment is not a good feeling. Perhaps forgiveness should take it’s place somehow?
What do you do when a member of your own family has been recruited by a narcissist and turned against you. My sister in law entered a romantic 6 year relationship with my brother (confusing, set up I know) . I went from having a close relationship with my brother to spending six years being subjected to verbal and physical assaults from my brother because she manipulated him so much. I uncovered she had embezzled 8k from us and she ended up the victim because I apparently had no right investigating it (despite the fact we were putting money into her account every month for 5 years). I can’t let go of the resentment towards my brother for turning on me
So my kids all grown up never give gifts and when they do it’s like $20 higher limit kind of thing. Frankly I don’t need gifts from them yet but I feel this expresses what they feel towards me. I also have kind of relationship that I can tell them that what I want but still I don’t want to tell these petty things for gifts . But it angers me too. How to handle?
Hi, Mom here struggling w empty nest. I was a teen mom and am struggling w moving on w/ the outcome of my past decisions. My sons father was in the service and was overseas, so when he was home, a lot of times I gave up my holidays (due to guilt frm others) w/ my son for them to have that time w/ him. Never really out of the kindest of my heart, only telling myself that it would get me some leverage later on. Naturally, I would call and check on my young son and he would be perusal tv and the father nowhere to be found. Is this what I gave up my holidays for? Is this why I spent many of my holidays alone and sad and now I hate myself for it. I swear he went from 15 to 24 FAST!😭😭😭 Now, my son has blossomed into this amazing person and I am at a place where I need emotional support dealing w/ very old wounds frm my situation. Instead of being a super supportive mom, I’m this bitter ugly shell of a human.
wanting/expecting is often not a result of a discussion, its just an expectation, the feelings behind all the feelings are resentments, right? observe how resentment operates in your thoughts and feelings without evaluating it, without fixing, just watch all the way through each thought about it, and you will never be tricked by it again, at least not for very long…
Let’s not go to that’s what the human brain does thing, lets not shirk our responsibility. This is strictly egoic and whenever we look for external validation or have a need for external validation that becomes a recipe for trouble. You being a therapist im sure you know that there is an objective self which is you, the mother that you must be to your wounded inner child also known as your ego. Whenever we try to control something external it causes resistance which is the same thing as suppressing the feeling Circumstance the emotion the issue Etc that resistance causes problems and what needs to happen is in every situation and every experience we need to engage with it and then detach from it gaining. Knowledge and understanding from each experience, but if we keep it hold onto it, we prevent it from moving on its natural course. When we let go of it then it can go away from us naturally. And we are better for it. Cling to the good and bad experiences only for a time and then let go! Let patience and suffering have her perfect work so that you may be perfected and refined by the fire of your experience, be the objective observer and the witness and embrace the subjective observed who is the victim as you would a mother to her child, then when they are ready they are encouraged and ready to face the world, ready to move on in their course of life. because when we hold onto things we don’t allow those things issues feelings emotions Etc to finish their course and by doing so we hold onto and resent instead of observing the feeling and letting it continue in its course through the river of our consciousness.
This really makes me sad! As a wife and mother I do think it’s my ‘job’ to help and forfil my family’s needs. I also expect my husband to help and forfil my needs. Otherwise, if we can’t expect others to make us happy, what’s the point in relationships? If all I need is myself, then there’s no point in trying to fix my marriage!
I can relate to this with my husband and I’m sure he toward me too. I think the biggest way to avoid resentment about daily living tasks around the house is to come up with a plan and be organized. I end up with a lot of resentment about simple things that I would like my husband to do that should be part of a household routine, like getting the mail, burning papers, taking cans back, etc. Unfortunately he refuses to get on board so I end up “nagging” because I get sick of seeing what needs to be done. This has been going on for 22 years so I am at wits end…
Some of my experiences are not secret expectations for sure. I let people into my life, 2 close girlfriends and they stole from me and I don’t feel that’s a secret anything you don’t steal from people you care about. now it is my fault for letting them into my life. I’m hurt because I had love for them and it felt like a betrayal.
Ah, if only you could talk things through with people you resent. Not possible in the office if you are dependent on someone. You just have to grin and bear it. It’s not your place to criticise the boss unless you want to lose your job. There is no way to say “I’m suffering because you are not doing your job” to someone who is higher than you. Please don’t tell me that expecting someone to do their job is unreasonable. I mean top-down you get fired for not doing it.
Most people don’t want to keep resentment. They just dont know how to process it and let it go. Resentment might be a secondary emotion with primary emotions being more than one thing. Often times resentment is something that has built up over time… its usually not a one hit wonder. In cases with people who have cptsd, and were abused or neglected as kids they may grow to be resentful of their caretakers or abusers, especially if they may still have to deal with them regularly.. in these cases how do these traumatized individuals even let go of resentment, most of them struggle with anxiety, hypervigilence, and dont even know how to process their emotions … so how then do people just get over resentment? There needs to be some sort of processing guide with this :/ otherwise its still just telling people to get over it when they dont know how too :/
I’ve experienced a lot of resentment towards a friend lately, and I let it build up without letting it out. I feel like no matter how hard I just can’t stop resenting this person, even though I know it’s my own expectations and he shouldn’t be responsible to fulfill them. What should I do? I feel like it’s impossible to not get angry at him even about little tiny things that don’t normally make me mad.
After he said “thank you” I would have waited 3 seconds… and then said “you’re welcome too….”. It’s passive aggressive, but it makes the point. They say you must scold a dog at the moment they make the mistake, not later, or they miss the connection. It’s okay to assume he didn’t realize you deserve to also be thanked, but this is running up against that whole thing where the men in relationships spin 10% of the plates women naturally do, and have infinitely easier lives and don’t even realize it.
10:58 I realize it’s not their fault and I’m 100% in agreement that it’s a strange feeling my brain is forcing on me, but I still feel so sour & so upset why can’t I shake this feeling? I become indifferent to the person I felt so strongly for and I don’t want to be, but it’s a new overwhelming, genuine feeling of indifference. help
What if I keep snapping at little things my brother says or does because I harbor the resentment? Should I tell him I’m sorry it’s really not these current things that set me off it’s just I have a growing feeling of resentment every time I see you… he’s one of my best friends now that we’re adults but I feel so much hatred when that’s not who ik I am at all. Idk what to do but I feel guilty for being angry towards him.
I think this is a healthy relationship when I ask a partner “How do you feel? Is everything alright?” And yes, this is my job to see partners expectation and vice versa. Not every time it’s possible, but 1x a day is a must. It gives that strong intimacy. Otherways, why do I am whit this partner? Just for duty? Don’t you think?
I don’t know if in all cases of resentment it is about expectations. For people who vere emotionally abused you can’t say it is because you expected to be treated as human and with honesty etc. Because thats something what EVERYBODY should be treated like. I mean, it is not about I have high expectations. I still feel angry and feel resentment towards to manipulator, fake person who is emotionally abusing women in relationships by tricking them into fake love and so on.
What if you verbalize a boundry, a deal breaker and you and your partner agree on it, then u learn ur partner has repeatedly lied to you, manipulated you, done the deal breaker behind ur back and hid it from you and presented an alternate reality… what if you are resentful for something like that? …
8:54 minutes in we learn that we should pat ourselves on the back; 10:53 minutes in, we are invited to question how we create our own resentment; (YES, it was my mother’s job to be loving and supportive – she wasn’t).; 12:06 we resent other people putting responsibilities on us. Is this how we’re supposed to get over resentment? Okaaaay! And I wish YouTubers would get on with what they need to get on with and THEN ask people to subscribe IF they found the contents useful,
Thank you for this article. I better understand now the term resentment. I realised i carry a huge bag of resentment. The only way i can shake off my resentment, is by assuming that people are blind, deaf, insensitive, careless, selfish, morally currupt, senseless morons. I cant shake off my resentment. Sorry. It is sad to realise that the word/concept resentment does not exist in my native language. Since language reflects its speakers, i wonder if hebrew is falling short, and israelis are missing out of absence.
I’m a little disappointed. What’s discussed here is about fairly mundane domestic irritations. I was seeking strategies for ridding myself of the resentment to an ex partner who betrayed me with another guy for months, then summarily dismissed me from her life and leaving me with years of instability in my physical and mental condition.
My problem is I just can’t let go to what hurt me. I’m always angry all the time. I feel physically sick daily, I hate the person who hurt me, I fkng hate them. Why should they hurt me yet get to be happy? Why should I be suffering? They should be. Not me. I get the whole drinking poison expression, but I didn’t drink it off my own accord. It was forced on me.
I am not judging your husband because, he is who he is but why did you thank him knowingly that he will not do the same for you to make you happy. And Now again you are training yourself to get that good feeling of being rewarded for being good has to come from inside not from him. Let’s get real and think what is the meaning of relationship? I have the same problem with my husband too. And I know lots of women who have the same problem. I definitely think you are right and yes we should get that feeling from ourselves otherwise the sadness will trigger anger. In my opinion ( my opinion, maybe wrong?)
I’m having resentment over things that I have clearly asked for many times… not anything that was mysterious… you said that needs to be looked at further… where’s the article to look at that further… this article is for small potato resentments unspoken resentments… what about when people seriously hurt you multiple times
My best friend told my wife i was cheating on her My resentment is sending me crazy it’s been 2 years now I have never spoken to him again I can’t believe a friend could do that Fuck him I would never snitch on my best friend I now drink alcohol and have thoughts of suicide I have lost so much in my life my wife has forgiven me but I’m really really fucked up big time Please help Dave from Sydney Australia 🇦🇺
It is not always expectation! But it is that some people are “objectively” shitty, judgmental, middling, not knowing their business, racist, … . For example, what to do when you have been subject to racism? You would hate the racist person. So would you say I shouldn’t have expected others not to be racist? I think the example of you and your husband is so misleading about real resentment.
I’m not a huge fan of the messaging on this one. My expectations of the people who disrespected me were very basic. Basic levels of courtesy and respect that I do a pretty good job of reciprocating in my relationships. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect basic human decency. Your example was pretty small beans compared to many people who are probably perusal this article. Please do a article that doesn’t assume we’re being unreasonable, but still want to let go of resentment.