Boundaries are essential in a marriage as they safeguard the relationship from both partners and outsiders, ensuring that each spouse’s core needs and values are honored. There are various types of boundaries, including personal boundaries, which can establish better communication and intimacy. Emotional boundaries involve not taking on their emotions, while healthy sexual boundaries involve mutual consent, total agreement, and a clear understanding of what is acceptable in their sex life.
In conclusion, setting healthy boundaries in a marriage is crucial for maintaining peace and preventing future conflict. Key points to consider include establishing fair, understood, agreed upon, and respected boundaries, protecting individual needs, maintaining trust, increasing intimacy, and avoiding threats of abandonment. Examples of healthy boundaries include time and space, increased intimacy, trust, and physical boundaries.
To set healthy boundaries, it is important to be straightforward and avoid raising your voice, avoid oversharing, and communicate clearly. Physical boundaries, such as personal space, can also be established, as well as emotional boundaries like not tolerating being shamed or put down.
Boundaries should be clearly communicated by both parties and respected by each other. Examples of physical boundaries include asking a roommate or partner not to look through your phone or interrupt, and avoiding exploitation and manipulation.
In summary, healthy boundaries in a marriage are essential for maintaining peace, preventing conflicts, and fostering a safe environment. By establishing clear communication, trust, intimacy, and respect, couples can create a secure and fulfilling marriage.
📹 How to Set Boundaries That Actually Work Part 2: Relationship Skills #6
Do you ever say “You’re not respecting my boundaries!” or “You can’t talk to me that way”? If so, then you need to watch this video …
How to set boundaries with a man?
1. Define your boundaries. 2. Protect your time and energy. 3. Clarify digital and social media expectations. 4. Speak openly about financial preferences. 5. Hold onto your own opinions and thoughts. 6. Decide when you want to be emotionally vulnerable. You might feel guilty or awkward about setting boundaries, but they’re important for protecting yourself. As you start seeing a new guy, it’s a good time to think about what you want in a relationship. We’ll show you how to set boundaries and talk about them with confidence. Ask yourself what makes you uncomfortable. If you’re not sure, think about past relationships and how it made you feel. Listen to any anger, frustration, or resentment. These feelings will tell you when someone has crossed a line. Try the circle exercise: Draw a circle and write down what you need in a relationship. Outside the circle, write down behaviors that distract or get in the way of your needs. Write a list or journal entry about your “dealbreakers” in a relationship and important boundaries. Check in with yourself. What’s important in a relationship? What are my values? What parts of myself am I willing to share? Practice tuning into your feelings. Ask yourself how you feel throughout the day. What does my body want?
What is an example of a boundary that you can set in a relationship?
Boundaries are about your relationship with yourself. They help you honor your needs, goals, feelings, and values. Boundaries can be emotional, physical, or digital. Examples of personal boundaries:
I’m cool with following each other on social media, but not with sharing passwords; I’m comfortable kissing and holding hands, but not in public; I’m okay with regularly texting, but I don’t want to text multiple times in an hour; I want to spend time with my friends/family on weekends; I need quiet time to myself every day; I’m comfortable with some touching, but I’m not ready to have sex.
It can be helpful to think through your own boundaries, no matter what your relationship status is. Pay attention to how you feel and react to situations. What makes you uncomfortable? What matters to you? What do you want to keep private? Is there anything you just can’t stand? It can help to write down your thoughts. How can you and your partner know each other’s limits? Talk about them! Communication is key in a healthy relationship. Boundaries are an important part of a conversation between you and your partner. You can talk about boundaries anytime, anywhere. Tell your partner if you like or don’t like something they do. Saying, “I like it when you…” or “I’m not comfortable when we…” lets them know what’s up. In a healthy relationship, partners respect each other’s boundaries. If you’re not sure about your partner’s boundaries, just ask! Asking if something is okay or if you’re okay with it can help start a conversation. Just remember: If you don’t talk about boundaries with your partner, it could be a sign your relationship is unhealthy or abusive.
What are unacceptable boundaries in a relationship?
Examples of unhealthy relationships. Unhealthy boundaries are rigid, loose, or hurtful to you or someone else. For example, say you’re in a new relationship. You can tell the other person you want to be exclusive. This makes you feel safe and is a healthy boundary. Another person could take this too far. To them, “exclusive” means they can demand access to your phone and passwords or forbid you from talking to others. In this case, exclusivity is a healthy boundary, but it undermines someone else’s freedom and well-being.
Other examples of unhealthy boundaries in relationships:
A friend asks you to meet with them all the time. A romantic partner asks you to change your beliefs and interests. An abusive partner asks you to be available all the time. They ask you to stop doing things you used to enjoy, turn down friends’ invitations, or cancel plans to spend time with them. A romantic partner makes you do something sexual even if you don’t want to. They may say it’s within their sexual boundaries, but it’s abusive.
How to set boundaries as a couple?
Here are six tips for setting healthy boundaries in your relationship. … Be honest about what you need. … Listen to your partner. … Ask for space when you need it. … Know your comfort level with COVID-19. … Be respectful. With the world as it is, you may be spending more time with your partner than ever. If you’re together a lot, it can be hard to set boundaries. You may have set healthy boundaries for your relationship, but they’ve been hard to maintain. Boundaries help reduce stress and ensure a healthy relationship. Here are six tips for setting healthy boundaries in your relationship. Know that boundaries are good for your relationship. Think about why boundaries are important before you set them. Boundaries are important in healthy relationships because they help you and your partner stay balanced. They also help avoid conflict because they set expectations for each other. Boundaries bring you closer to your partner because you talk about them.
What are acceptable boundaries in marriage?
Boundaries can be about what you can and can’t do, like not looking through your roommate’s phone or not interrupting when you’re working from home. They can also be about your goals and dreams, like asking your spouse to accept that they may not always match yours.
Help others to be independent and reduce codependent habits. Set expectations when interacting with others. Give you a sense of empowerment and self-respect. Ensure your physical and emotional comfort. Clarify individual responsibilities in a relationship. Separate your wants, needs, thoughts, and feelings from those of others. Without healthy boundaries, your relationships can become toxic and unsatisfying, and your well-being can suffer. If a friend keeps asking for money, or if you feel overwhelmed by your partner’s emotional problems, you might feel taken advantage of or overwhelmed by stress. If a parent invades your privacy, you’ll likely feel resentful. If you ignore someone’s boundaries, you risk making them uncomfortable and damaging the relationship.
What is lack of boundaries in marriage?
More conflict. If you don’t balance giving and taking in a relationship, conflict can arise. This can hurt your relationship and your health. Every relationship has disagreements, but when there are no clear boundaries, they can last. It keeps happening, so it never gets fully resolved.
Boundaries let others know where they stand with you, preventing conflict.
Setting Boundaries to Promote Closeness. Some people think that strong boundaries mean keeping everyone at a distance to be at their best. That’s not true.
What are real boundary examples?
Thermodynamics is the study of energy and energy interactions with matter. Thermodynamic analysis can be done through conservation equations like mass and energy. When we classify thermodynamics, we consider boundaries and flows of matter. Boundaries can be fixed, movable, flexible, imaginary, or real. Real boundaries completely separate the system from its surroundings. Rice in a bowl, milk in a glass.
What are 3 examples of man made boundaries?
Boundaries are made by people. People also create linguistic, economic, and social boundaries. Linguistic boundaries are between areas where people speak different languages. These boundaries often match political boundaries. France and Germany are two countries where French and German are the main languages. In India, 122 languages are spoken by more than 10,000 people each. The Indian government recognizes 22 of these as official languages. People who speak these languages are usually in different places. Not knowing a neighbor’s language can cause problems. Economic boundaries divide people by income or wealth. Sometimes these boundaries are on national borders. The border between the United States and Mexico is an economic and political boundary.
What are godly boundaries in marriage?
What is a boundary? In marriage, a boundary is a limit that protects our marriage. God’s plan for sexual purity includes boundaries. Solomon said, “Keep away from her. Don’t go near her house.” (Proverbs 5:8). Satan attacked Adam and Eve by breaking God’s boundary. “Did God really say, ‘Don’t eat from any tree in the garden?’ (Genesis 3:1). Satan’s lies sound familiar to how he attacks today.
How to set boundary with wife?
Start with open and honest conversations to set healthy boundaries. Talk to your spouse about what you need, want, and worry about. Tell them what you think and feel. This builds trust and connection. It’s not just about talking, it’s about listening.
What are unhealthy boundaries in a relationship?
Now that we know what healthy boundaries are, let’s talk about unhealthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries ignore your own and others’ values, wants, needs, and limits. They can also lead to abusive relationships. Here are some examples of unhealthy boundaries:
Disrespecting others’ values, beliefs, and opinions; not saying “no”; feeling responsible for others’ feelings and happiness; feeling responsible for “fixing” or “saving” others; touching people without permission; engaging in sexual activity without consent.
How do I make my husband respect my boundaries?
Know your limits. Know your boundaries before sharing them with others. Know your boundaries. Tell others what they are. Communication is key to setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in a relationship. Partners should be open, honest, and direct about their boundaries. Be specific in your communication to set clear boundaries. Listening is as important as communicating boundaries. Listen to each other to understand. Ask questions if you need to. Learn to say no. If you’re not comfortable doing something, say no. You deserve respect. Treat your partner with love, kindness, compassion, and respect. They should treat you the same. If your partner makes you uncomfortable, speak up. Let them know they’ve crossed a line.
Press Play for Advice on Saying No. Hosted by Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares how you can learn to say no and set boundaries. Listen now. Follow now. Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Amazon Music.
📹 The #1 Obstacle to Setting Healthy Boundaries: Relationship Skills #5
Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and for our mental health. In this video, I describe what stops many …
“If you don’t eat your food, you can’t have icecream later”… mmmmmmm that’s the way you put lots of value to the icecream and drastically diminish the value of food. I definitely won’t recommend it at all. Usually I kind of saw this ‘if…then’ sentences don’t really work well. Maybe I’d use them but reverted into positive and without actually verbalize at all, and only when putting value on something is desirable, like ‘if you eat your food, we’ll play together’. But again, that’s R+ and I really don’t like Behaviorism, especially Skinner’s. Maybe extinction works better. Just ignore the behavior and don’t reinforce or punish it. Hunger will eventually kick in. Depending on the child’s age, I might try some research with them: so you don’t want to eat. Let’s see what happens if you don’t eat, let’s check with friends, people from community, teachers, specialists we don’t know, the Internet. Maybe even give them a project with this title: what happens when you don’t eat… let them discover themselves… anything BUT Behaviorism! Just saying… That, in terms of food… there’s so much other stuff!!!
I Stonewall and ghost. I don’t care what naysayers think about this behaviour. It works like a charm for me. I had a gorgeous friend who was continually hit on all the time and she got to the point where she would tell men to F off. This is extreme, and stupid and very dangerous and also the person may attack you, people are unpredictable animals and like most animals they may harm you. You wouldn’t antagonise a pit bull terrier would you, and most humans behave like one and they love to hang out in packs.⭐
I WAS a walking MAYBE, people could read my lack of self hood and keep pressuring me until l was so anxiety riddled l gave in. Manipulation was all around me. Then l would attack myself by overeating to self sooth my rage. Learn to roar, stay away from anyone you feel unsafe with until you build your self esteem and permission to be real, and NO is integrated into you. We are not responsible for others, your in charge of you only. Never put you second ever. That is sanity.
7:24 onwards: “If someone’s mistreating you, is it really in their best interest that you don’t put your foot down? No. In general, the reason people don’t set boundaries is because they’re afraid of being mean, they’re afraid of feeling guilty, or they’re afraid of feeling scared. So the reason they’re not setting that boundary is not for the other person — they’re not trying to be kind to the other person. They’re trying to prevent themselves from feeling uncomfortable. It’s — it’s selfish.” An intriguing insight, Emma, which I’ve often missed in the past. Thank you for that!
I’m a massage therapist and in the beginning, I used to feel hesitant to tell people my cancellation policy when they set their first appointment — like you said, it felt “mean” or harsh. Then I realized, the first appointment is the one that they are most likely to cancel or no-show! And that telling them my policy AFTER they cancelled or didn’t show, was actually the mean thing to do. How were they supposed to respect my policy if I hadn’t told them what it was? So that’s how I got over that boundary feeling “mean.” I just was giving them all the information they needed, right up front.
Long story short, co-dependent parents, boundaryless all my life. I’m 60 and have been diagnosed with a chronic condition (fibromyalgia) last year. That’s what not setting boundaries gets you.- burnt out,worn out, resentful and as confused as ever. Better to start now whatever your age than end up like me, however uncomfortable and scary it is. I wish I had had the courage to set boundaries 40 year ago and not been so much of a people-pleaser. Now I have no choice but to say no, as my health prevents me from making commitments. I sound bitter, but finally I do have peace now, it’s just a shame it’s taken so long with such consequences. As some wise commenter here said – be your own gatekeeper, be careful who you let in and also know who to let out. Peace and courage to all Xx
I disagree. Its not usually selfish to avoid setting a needed boundary. Its more often fearful. Thats not the same thing as selfish. But I get ur point. Its actually better for everyone to uphold healthy boundaries. Its not simply a little bit of discomfort that the boundary avoider is up against. Its often deep trauma. I want survivors to understand this and not give them more ammunition to shoot themselves down for doing something else wrong.
Honestly being selfish and harsh to me seems like the only thing to do against someone who’s abusive and/or manipulative. So usually the reason one sets a boundary isn’t because it’s good for the other person but because it’s good for themselves so a purely selfish thing to do but the right thing to do.
WOW! This article gave me a colossal “aha moment”! I love how she lays it all out in such a concise & apparent way. I guess I always brushed off setting good boundaries as just part of my people pleasing behaviors. That I’m just too nice to everyone & thus easily taken advantage of. But wow, when explained in this context it really opens your eyes to the root cause of why we do what we do. It definitely gives me more incentive to be upfront & authentic regardless of the discomfort it will cause.
This article demonstrates clear thinking from a healthy perspective. First, establish a healthy point of view and don’t let yourself be manipulated based on your need for approval or a misguided sense of heroism. Make a decision based on your own needs and wants and stick to it. You have a right to representation by a competent person — yourself.
“Remember, the way we get healthier is not just about feeling better, it is about getting better at feeling.” Wonderfully worded! I’ve never taken into account my motivation for setting a boundary before but this realization has made a lot of sense to me. Thanks so much for this article, it is so very helpful!!
Two of the places I’ve experienced where saying no seems to be a problem, is with dating and narcissists. I’m a woman and I’ve experienced that, when a man is told no and that you’re not interested in him, he can become angry. Now, I know no one likes rejection. I don’t like it either. It is more than just getting your feelings hurt and your ego bruised. You’ve likely spent at least minimal time becoming emotionally invested in a person, prior to expressing interest. If you’re rejected, your hopes are dashed, time wasted, and you have to start anew, even if that requires being single for a lot longer than you imagined. But, when I see a man becoming angry if I reject him, I start to feel that it’s possible that I’m being looked at two-dimensionally. That I’m looked at, more as a prize or acquisition, who’s wants and needs are not recognized by the suitor. That he may feel, even if subconsciously, that what does it matter if I’m happy, as long as he is, that he’ll make me happy or that I will learn to be happy. It is not considered what it would devolve into, if I were to be forced into a relationship I didn’t want to be a part of. It’s not considered that it would not turn out to be a loving relationship, nor how miserable it would get, for both concerned. Telling him no at the start heads off a world of trouble ahead. Narcissists hate no and they hate boundaries. Maybe for them, both are one and the same. They want to get into your life, often quite like breaking and entering, setup shop, take control.
I think this is because people who are narcissistic whether in the moment or all the time, emotionally manipulate and cry a river and they guilt people to lower boundary and it’s conditioning – most adults who can’t hold boundaries had a parent who manipulated in order to get what they wanted and their kids carry the torch or are conditioned into caving and “feeling bad”. Mind games. All of our problems really are from people playing mind games.
I remember a time when was in a shop with my two boys and my eldest really played up so I said he couldn’t have anything and I stuck to it. The lady in the shop told him off too. I have been told I didn’t set boundaries with my children, but I believe I’m getting better at it. I do with the people I live near and friends. In fact I was talking to a friend the other day who’s housemate spends a lot of time of the phone chatting to women and doing things like not tidying up after making lunch. I told him about setting boundaries. The way I look at it is that’s what you’ll accept and what you won’t. Though I do recognise that I was soft with the kids in the past and that wasn’t right. Thank you for this article 🙂
I watched a article about Lions. It was a documentary. It showed their begaviours. It showed a clip where one lion tried to tease and play another lion. First The lion gave off The vibe «dont do that» The other lion does i again, then The lion rises up and really imprint his boundaries. The other Lions then walk away, with «message recieved» later the teasing lion was so respectful of the other lion. I loved it. Even animals know the importance of healthy boundaries.
Thanks for sharing. It’s great food for thought. Part of the reason I have difficulty with saying no is that I don’t like feeling rejected, or like people don’t care about what I need or want, and I believe in the golden rule of doing unto others what I would have done to me, so I don’t like to make other people feel rejected by saying no to what they need or want. I will have to ponder my heart intentions in this practice because I do believe it does at least partially come from a dislike of feeling uncomfortable and having hard conversations.
I like your article, it is quite well explained! I had two thoughts that came to mind, I’d like to share them as well : 1- I feel it is important to discern Hard-Loving “No”s from Manipulation. Some people will act out of Selfish intentions, but pretend they are doing it in your best interest, as though they know better what is best for you. 2- Maybe we do not always need to say No from a place of Love? In some cases, if a person has shown many times that they disregard your own well-being, it can be ok for a No to come from a place of Self-Love rather than Love for the other.
Thank you for this article, Emma. It is exactly what I needed today to talk to my manager at work tomorrow. I’ve watched many of your articles now, and am a loyal fan of yours. I wish I could see you in person just to give you a gratitude hug. You are an angel for sharing your passion for therapy online.
Thank You so much for all the effort you put into the body of work you’ve made readily available. I just came across your website an what I have watched has been so very helpful. Im in a long term residential program in the Bronx. Sigh I have an inordinate amount of time on my hands an I really need new skills desperately. Thanks again for the insight provided an your delivery is appreciated.
Emma, thank you for these excellent and helpful messages. I am preparing a curriculum for “women who use violence” in their intimate relationships and it is helpful to have short messages which help segue into the group session. I really appreciate having you as a resource–and to be able to refer folks to see more of your messages as needed for other issues. You do a great job of communicating these concepts clearly.
consistency and not feeling guilty … and not allowing to be manipulated … and accepting it is kinder to both parties to maintain the bounderies … but sometimes it feels easier to give in … but to give in creates and encourages maladaptive behavior and rewards this harmful behaviors … i appreciate your explainations that go deeper ❤
As a “Good Catholic Doormat”…. dear gawd, I needed this! I am super-sensitive, but as a life-long consumer (victim?) of the US psychology/psychiatry system, I have learned so many hard lessons about appropriate boundaries. Too many of my “care providers” did not respect appropriate boundaries, and promised support to me (that fell outside of ethics and their employment agreements) that I desperately needed, but they did not follow through with. It hurt me so deeply, but I learned an important lesson. Those boundaries are there to protect the most vulnerable people! I now want to take what I’ve learned from my hellish experiences to help others like me. In business, the saying, “under promise and over deliver” is widely respected, but it is even more important in mental health! I sincerely hope many therapists are perusal, and getting this!
The concept of “hard” and “soft” are really helpful here. I see in schools sometimes how teachers who are often trying to be gentle and nice end up with a lot of conflict and unhappy students in their classes because they’re afraid that setting important boundaries is mean or tyrannical. And then you see similar behaviour in classes where the teachers don’t care about the students very much and haven’t bothered setting those boundaries… It makes me think that boundaries can be a kindness, as they help people feel safe and calm. And if people love us, they want to know what our boundaries are so they don’t overstep them and hurt us. I’m still working on my people-pleasing tendencies, but I realised that despite wanting to be kind I was giving attention to the people shouting loudest for it, not those who needed it most. Self-reflection is really helpful – as much as it is so often scary and I feel guilty at the time, I look back with fondness and pride to the times I’ve stood up for myself and what is *right*… It’s clear that this is also the path ahead.
Wonderful lesson! Thanks so much. For one of the first times in my life I set a boundary with someone who I really wanted in my life. The person didn’t take kindly to it and “set a counter boundary” to one-up mine. It hurts like hell and feels so uncomfortable and icky, but, again, for one of the first times in my life I’m allowing myself to feel all of the negative emotions of guilt, sadness, anger, rejection, doubt, longing and self-conciouness hoping that they all go soon and leave me a stronger, more confident person.
This is he kind of stuff we should be teaching kids in 10th grade health class. My health class taught us some decent info but wayyyyy too much focus on mental illnesses like bipolar etc. Literally half the year was spent on these things. True mental health education appropriate for us would have been discussions like this. 👍
Thanks for the article! I’m a fan of Harriet Lerner, ever since a therapist introduced me to The Dance of Anger. But, my scientific/engineering side likes the breakdown and separation of … Yes v No (boundaries stand in) and Love v Selfish. (A bit confused about your usage of “soft” and “hard”.) Thanks!
I want to help you, but I can’t because of _____ and ________. (I’ve worked late, and I’m tired.) I’m learning to do this better, so that I don’t end up taking on too much and eventually resenting myself. Emma, Thank you for emphasizing on delivering message with compassion, and explaining the intention even if nothing could be done, it still important to get across the intentions.
I think the word “selfish” is kind of ambiguous. As is selfless. All behaviour is about making the self feel good/better, there is no such thing as selflessness, nor should there be. Self love is Key. A self loving position can clearly state what it prefers without making anybody else wrong. I think words should be redefined as to avoid all sorts of erroneuos misinterpretations. Especially in psychology there is a whole lot of confusion. Thanks, much love, no harm intended
Sometimes I wonder if being mad (on unfair situations) is okay. Not saying that I use others as punching bags, but like, not faking it around close people. I know someone that thinks it’s their fault when I’m sad/mad/etc. And it makes me feel bad because it wasn’t my intentions to make them feel that way. Therefore I start faking my emotions and I feel worse.
I was fired out of love/compassion when I was 14. I was having horrible panic attacks at work, was in pain all the time, and couldn’t do my job right cause I was so overwhelmed. But like hell my parents would let me quit, and I felt guilty for both not being able to do my job and for not just quitting. So my boss fired me to save me all that stress. I couldn’t do the job, I didn’t want to do the job, I was trapped, and she knew it. She even said that if I wanted the job back later, when I was able to handle it, that I could come back and reapply and she’d re-hire me. Thank fuck for that boss cause idk where I’d be if she hadn’t fired me. I felt bad for letting her down and not just sucking it up and doing my job. But in the end “losing” that job was more than necessary, and getting fired was the best way for that to happen, in that situation.
Nobody respected me. I was the Yes girl…to anybody and everybody . This came from zero self esteem that was crushed to death by negelct, abuse, narcissism, gaslighting and more abandonment. I finally had my heart cueshed for the last time and put my foot down and set my boundaries. I was met w hostility, denial and my sister just ignored me. I have this incredible knot in my throat Chakra that won’t quit and my soul actually aches and throbs. Has anyone experienced anything like this before?
Setting boundaries with bosses and other people that hold power over us is the hardest thing. With work situations, we’re stuck in a capitalist system where corporations expect people to be boundary-less wage slaves that submit to the corporations’ every whim, and if you set boundaries with your employers you’re likely to end up out of work. I’d love to see this addressed more robustly.
The only problem I have with this article/chart is that being selfish is not hateful. Being selfish is in many cases a responsibility to self, which isn’t a negative thing. I think being manipulative is where selfishness becomes a problem, when you’re not honest with yourself or others about your intentions and feelings. And even then, sometimes walking away from someone or a situation without explaining or justifying is needed. Not saying it’s “right” or the best thing to do in all cases, but personally I feel completely overwhelmed with always having to do the right thing by others rather than doing what is right for myself. It doesn’t mean my intentions are objectively hateful or loving. It just means that’s what I could handle at the time. I’m not saying we shouldn’t strive to improve or reflect upon our past as a learning opportunity, but boundaries are so complex, this chart is a bit oversimplified. I refuse to believe that looking out for my own needs is hateful towards others in any way, and I will point out that I am not a parent therefore do not have any children whose needs I would put before my own. I’ve dealt with so much guilt about not being able to do more for others and a lot of self-worth issues because I did not do wnough for myself, so in my mind, being selfish is healthy and being selfless is healthy in certain cases/situations. “Healthy” will be different for everyone probably.
Wishy washy people are like open books, so easy to read and manipulate. If you don’t want to be used, set your own boundary and don’t ever budge from your principle. You are the only one who can condition your circle to accept your boundary, not the other way around. It takes some soul searching to find your bottomline. Everyone is different and different boundary may apply to different level of relationships. It is up to you to define and decide, not solely based on your parents’, spouse’s, children’s, workplace people’s, friends’ voices.
2:22 My ex, not before the ring but definitely after the ring. 2:40 My last (and remains my last) relationship. Got the e-mail which was probably easier for her but not so for me, but at that point I was not a recipient of her loving feeling anyway… right? My bad? I did not know that I did not know how to tell what was in other people’s hearts (for my rather obtuse in violence and anger upbringing I am thinking). The boundary I did not set was the boundary on myself. I felt it… the just say “no” was there before a fair lot of things I did. Now I have those boundaries on myself, and as such I am no longer tormenting myself as I always had been. Yes, it was always them but it was not always them; I enabled myself by not setting personal boundaries (for the aforementioned reasons implied for the aforementioned reason). Good article for the right message, and for you publishing it. Thanks 👍
I’m curious about how some of the hard loving behaviors, like the example of firing someone out of love, aren’t making choices for other people. I’m not sure how to describe my question. I guess I’m wondering how choosing something that forces someone to do something isn’t a bit like control. I would really like to see the differentiation of when making choices for another person is a healthy, good thing, vs control and manipulation. Is it ok to make those choices for someone else (if they are an adult)? When is that ok or not ok? Is ok to force someone else into a situation/make a choice for them as long as you’re coming from a place of selflessness and love for that person? Idk, do you see my confusion? Also, I’ve been reading the comments talking about setting boundaries for self-protection/self-preservation. I’m curious how that fits in with the chart mentioned in the article. Does that fall into the selfish selection?
Boundaries are mainly about self discipline, self control, and self limits. The real point of boundaries is to protect you and your feelings and prevent you from becoming too emotionally involved and or attached to someone or an event or situation and prevent from being burned. However, if I’m in an intimate relationship and my partner sets too many boundaries or does not inform nor make me aware of their boundaries; then I will end the relationship and walk away because boundaries many times have to do with control and manipulation. Why I say this is because it’s funny how some set boundaries only with certain people and or certain things and the way that I look at it is if you are going to set boundaries, then you need to set boundaries with everything and everyone. One girlfriend I used to have was a narcissit, egotistical, and a pathological liar and then after she could not control me and her lies would backfire on her or she would fall into her own trap, then she would say she needed to set boundaries with me and you know what? ” I said sure… here is a boundary”.. “It’s over with between us” bye bye!
I think therapists need to make their clients aware of the dangers of setting boundaries. It may be healthy, but when setting boundaries with unhealthy people, it can lead to getting attacked and ostracized. That can be dangerous when your clients rely on unhealthy people for their employment and/or survival.
So healthy boundaries only exist in the bottom right corner of the chart? I find this article confusing. It seems counterproductive to say that the number one reason people don’t set boundaries is that they are afraid of seeming mean (true) and then describe what are actually just passive behaviors as “hateful,” and “selfish”
My mom is elderly, but the youngest sibling, and she is the caregiver for her 3 people, her 2 sisters and her significant other. The 2 sister live together and the one verbally at abuses the oldest sister because she gets frustrated with my aunt repeatedly asking the same questions. My aunt, the middle child, is extremely inconsiderate of my mothers time and boundaries. She literally expects my mom to be at her beck & call. If my mom has other plans, and my is unavailable, my aunt will drive by her house to catch her in a lie. She wants to come to my moms house to watch my moms every move.
Hello, I love your website ❤️❤️ I would like to know about something…,, so I do not like or enjoy the every day “good morning” email from a co-worker. I don’t mind once in a while, but not every day. It feels like a chore to me, so I stop responding. I didn’t know how to handle it. We work from home. This person showed other signs of needy/clingy behavior. What’s the best way to handle when someone assumes you like the every day “good morning ” email. Edit: this is in no way romantic, just wanted to add this here. It is about attention.
hi,ive been working for almost 2 yrs in a family as a helper,nanny,cook,also discipline a 4yo boy and a 2 yo girl…the 4yo has no routine and no discipline but a loving kid..and i raised the 2yo,so i know how to handle her…but the boy so difficult,coz the parents have their own different ways of raising a child,mother.has her.own ways also the father has his.own.ways…i tried to.set my bounderies coz i dont want to hurt their feelings as parents,but i can see that i think they dont have enough knowledge about parenting…but its hard…i love them but i can see what is.missing and they think that what they are doing is right. the grandparents also see the way i see…
How do you set boundaries when you get irritated by someone? Like my irritation is one person who set himself in the middle of attention through his behavior. It looks like he wants that everyone have to look how good he is. But he will never admit it. How can I set boundaries in this case? Hopefully someone can help me 🙏🏻🙏🏻
Hi Emma, I would like to know what I can do with my 16 year old teenage daughter who is dating and wants to go to her boyfriend every day. What do I do or tell you? That at 6 pm or earlier she should be at home, because it’s cold and neither I nor my mother like her to walk until late. I’m also afraid that the grades will go down, due to this relationship. What can I do? It would be interesting to make a article on how to set limits on teenagers. Thanks for your help.
I’m setting boundaries with a landlord. perusal my intentions is a good starting point. I’ve learned when you rent a room from someone it’s hard for them to see that’s your property, not theirs. So, in most places where I’ve had to rent a room … this is the case. How to navigate a landlord with mental illness is not easy….😕
How about setting boundaries with a partner? That can be selfish (you don’t want to clean the house by yourself all the time, you need some alone time when he wants to have a party…), but to keep yourself well, right? That is not really for the good of your partner, but rather for the good of yourself. So how does that fit into the 4 quadrants?
I really appreciate how well thought out this is but it doesn’t apply to narcissistic relationships where violence exists. It would be nice if you explained the exceptions up front instead of assuming people are just avoiding “discomfort” and weak boundaries are only the responsibility of the person setting them. In abusive situations, it’s akin to blaming the victim. Getting injured is more than discomfort and I think this could actually be dangerous advice because at the very least they throw tantrums. The worst could be they kill you.
@therapy in a nutshell. Please be carefull with what you say. It’s absolutely not true that all behavior can come from either a selfless, loving place or a selfcentred loveless one. This kind of thinking can be twisted in any way people want. Of course you can accidentally harm a child while pushing it off the road to get it out of a cars way. But there is never an excuse for hitting it or touching it in a sexual way. You will be much more helpful by being more clear and firm. Boundaries need to be specified. Especially when we want to protect children and teach people to be better parents.
999-trillion oceans of grief -\r 999-trillion oceans of rage -\r 999-trillion endless PTSD flashbacks -\r I CAN NO LONGER BEAR THIS TORTURE\r I’m dying on the inside\r \r he raped my soul.\r he gave me SEVERE PTSD.\r SEVERE SEVERE SEVERE!!!\r and now he’s gone.\r I blocked him.\r \r I want to die.\r \r how and when will I ever heal from the PTSD flashbacks?\r nothing more horrific and debilitating and paralyzing \r than the PTSD flashbacks.\r \r the man I revered as my best friend,\r betrayed and abandoned me,\r and discarded me like garbage,\r and replaced me with another.\r this happened at the start of last year,\r we’re now in 2024,\r and I’m nowhere near healed.\r \r I want to die.\r I can no longer tolerate the pain.\r the emotional pain is hell.\r \r I hate my life.\r I am tortured\r and tormented\r with every breath I take.\r \r RAGE\r RAGE\r RAGE\r I want to die\r I want to die\r I want to die\r I can no longer bear the darkness\r it consumes me;\r suffocates me\r I am drowning\r oceans of tears\r \r the man I revered as my best friend,\r he raped me,\r replaced me,\r discarded me like last week’s garbage…\r ultimate betrayal!!\r this grief and loneliness…\r they rape me;\r torture me;\r on a soul level\r \r my only prayer is for death\r \r I’m in hell and I can’t find escape\r \r God has forsaken me\r \r my whole life I’ve been tortured, bullied, abused, raped\r all I do is suffer\r \r my life is hell\r \r SO NOW, IN HOPES TO HEAL,\r AND TO CHANGE MY LIFE AROUND,\r I LIVE BY THIS MODUS OPERANDI:\r \r When there’s a disagreement, \r \r when I need to say YES\r or when I need to say NO,\r \r when I need to state my needs,\r and ask for them to be met.
I really dislike your use of the term hateful here. Being selfish is really not the same as hatefulness. While I think any avoident personality needs to work on their boundaries it is completely different to doing something out of hate, which in my opinion has the intention to hurt or upset somebody. Most avoided the types don’t like confrontation that doesn’t make them demons.
I don’t think this model is broad enough. If some stranger attacks me on the street, forget altruism I’m not letting him overwhelm me, and I’ll sooner kill him than let him kill me. I make no apology for that kind of selfishness. Moreover, I’ve dealt with a good number of people who just want what they want and don’t care about intentions. Reasonable people know how to consider others’ intentions; not everyone is reasonable. Maybe most important is that this model doesn’t address the lack of understanding of legitimate self-interest that often lies beneath the discomfort or sense of moral wrong some people feel in enforcing their boundaries. Genuine and mature understanding of the other’s best interest is hardly the only valid reason for saying no; there’s genuine and mature understanding of your own best interest, which includes a harmonious society. A lot of people with weak boundaries grew up learning it’s ok to care about others but not self, and this model only reinforces the root problem.