Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation and abuse that causes the person on the receiving end to question their reality. Common tactics used in gaslighting include denial, blatant lies, and misdirection. It occurs gradually over time, and its effects are not usually immediate. Some common signs of gaslighting include significant self-doubt, being made to feel crazy, sensitive, or wrong, and trusting others’ decisions more than one’s own.
Gaslighting examples often start as a fairytale romance, where the perpetrator intentionally misleads their target, distorting reality to make it seem like what the victim is experiencing or feeling isn’t real. Emotional manipulation and insensitivity to feelings are signs of gaslighting. Common examples of gaslighting phrases include “I’m making things up,” “that never happened,” and “being dramatic.”
Gaslighting is common in intimate relationships, the workplace, and even in society. Coping with gaslighting can be challenging, but there are several strategies that may help. One example is “I did that because I love you,” which is an extremely common example of gaslighting in romantic and familial relationships. By understanding and recognizing the signs of gaslighting, individuals can better manage their relationships and break the cycle of emotional abuse.
📹 Gaslighting | The Hidden Signs
Gaslighting. It’s a term you’ve probably heard before, but the signs can be confusing. In this video, Dr. Ramani Durvasula and …
What annoys a gaslighter?
Gaslighters lie and accuse you of being wrong. Ask a gaslighter why they feel this way. They’ll get flustered and might not be able to explain themselves. Be kind when questioning them. Avoid being aggressive or accusatory. This could make them retaliate and make up more stories. Try saying, “You say this didn’t happen, but I have a video of it.” I don’t understand. Please clarify.
How to outsmart a gaslighter husband?
Here are eight tips for responding and taking back control. First, it’s gaslighting. … Take a break from the situation. … Collect evidence. … Speak up about the behavior. … Be confident in what happened. … Take care of yourself. … Ask for help. … Get help.
“You must be crazy. “That’s not true.” “You’re wrong.” “You’re overreacting.” “I was only joking.” If someone often says this to you, you may be experiencing gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you doubt your feelings, what you see, and what’s real. Someone trying to gaslight you wants to confuse you and make you doubt yourself so you’ll go along with what they want.
How to outsmart a gaslighter?
Here are eight tips for responding and taking back control. First, it’s gaslighting. … Take a break from the situation. … Collect evidence. … Speak up about the behavior. … Be confident in what happened. … Take care of yourself. … Ask for help. … Get help.
“You must be crazy. “That’s not true.” “You’re wrong.” “You’re overreacting.” “I was only joking.” If someone often says this to you, you may be experiencing gaslighting. Gaslighting is when someone tries to make you doubt your feelings, what you see, and what’s real. Someone trying to gaslight you wants to confuse you and make you doubt yourself so you’ll go along with what they want.
How to make a gaslighter feel guilty?
Gaslighters lie to change your mind. They can make you question your sanity. If their reasoning doesn’t make sense, speak up and say what you believe is true. Catching them in a lie can make them stumble. Have a plan for your confrontation. Be ready with facts.
How to drive a gaslighter crazy?
Don’t let them control the conversation. Set limits with them. Keep records of their behavior. Keep track of their lies. Ask them to explain. Tell them they’re lying. Don’t show your emotions. Be civil.
How to outsmart, expose, and counteract a gaslighter? Gaslighting is exhausting. You may want revenge on your gaslighter for many reasons. They’ve made you doubt yourself. In this article, we’ll show you how to fight back against a gaslighter. It’s time to beat them at their own game.
Listen to and question a gaslighter’s reasoning to catch them in a web of lies.
Confront a gaslighter calmly and rationally to avoid retaliation and flip the script.
Collect proof, establish boundaries, and gather support to outsmart a gaslighter at their own game.
Gaslighters want attention and control. They’ll lie and make you doubt yourself. One way to stop a gaslighter is to ignore them. When they start gaslighting you, walk away.
What happens when you ignore a gaslighter?
Ignoring a gaslighter can lead to more gaslighting or it can stop the gaslighting. To get through this, you need to set boundaries, get help, and build a strong support network. No one should have to endure manipulation or abuse. There are resources to help. Grouport offers online group therapy and online DBT skills groups. Grouport Therapy offers online group therapy for anger management, anxiety, borderline personality, chronic illness, depression, dialectical behavior therapy, grief and loss, obsessive-compulsive disorder, relationship issues, trauma, and PTSD. Our therapist leads weekly group sessions from home. 70% of participants reported significant improvements in 8 weeks. You don’t have to face these challenges alone. Join our community and work together. Sign up for one of our groups today and start your journey to meaningful change. We also offer skills groups, such as our dialectical behavior therapy skills group. Our DBT Skills Group teaches you new skills to replace behaviors and emotions causing problems in your daily life and relationships. It helps you connect with others, build social skills, manage relationships, regulate emotions, and be more mindful.
What are the 4 types of gaslighting in relationships?
What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is lying to someone to control them and the relationship. There are four types: lying, reality manipulation, scapegoating, and coercion. The experience is often a mix of these four types. Gaslighting often happens over time. The abuser slowly makes the victim feel less confident and like they don’t know who they are. Some abuse is done on purpose to hurt others. But people who gaslight others may not realize they are being abusive. People may gaslight someone for many reasons. Some are afraid of being alone, others have unstable relationships, and some have been abused.
“Gaslighting is a manipulative form of psychological and emotional abuse.”
What personality type uses gaslighting?
A gaslighting narcissist is someone with narcissistic personality disorder who uses gaslighting to control and manipulate others. Gaslighting makes you question reality or feel confused. This can make you feel bad about yourself. If you’re being gaslighted, a person with NPD may use this tactic to make you doubt yourself and gain the upper hand in an argument.
What is the highest form of gaslighting?
Reality manipulation is one of the worst forms of gaslighting because it causes a lot of distress. It makes you question yourself, your ability to trust, and your ability to make choices. What is gaslighting? Types of gaslighting How gaslighting affects you How to respond My experience Additional resources Infographics Maggie Holland helps women with anxiety, panic, and perinatal mental health issues. Heidi Moawad, MD, is a neurologist with 20 years of experience. She focuses on mental health disorders, behavioral health issues, neurological disease, migraines, pain, stroke, cognitive impairment, multiple sclerosis, and more.
Can you stay married to a gaslighter?
If the gaslighting becomes abuse, your safety is the most important thing. It’s usually best to leave an abusive relationship because the emotional and psychological effects can be severe. Ask if your spouse is willing to admit they gaslight, take responsibility, and make changes. If they aren’t willing to change, the relationship won’t get better. Your mental health and safety are most important. If you have children, think about their well-being and exposure to a toxic environment.
Why would a husband gaslight his wife?
People gaslight for many reasons. They want to control others. They use gaslighting to stop conflict. They use it to avoid responsibility. They want to keep a people pleaser trying to please. They use it to gain power. They have a personality disorder. They want to keep the other person off balance. They have a strong need to be right.
How to Deal with Gaslighting. Here are some ways to regain your power if you think your partner is gaslighting you.
1. Trust your instincts if something feels wrong. Our instincts serve a purpose. Listen to your gut.
📹 What does gaslighting mean in a relationship? Signs and examples of narcissistic gaslighting.
Gaslighting #narcissist #abuse In this video Psychologist Dr. Becky Spelman offers her expertise on the abusive tactic of …
I wish I have had someone telling me all this before I got married. My husband of 25 years used to behave like a dictator and all the red flags were there. Emotional abuse is a serious problem in a relationship. From emotional abuse, cheating started.Thank you Coherent Recovery for posting this time to get me all the evidence.
My mom’s boyfriend had me in a chokehold up against the wall and my feet were not touching the floor and I couldn’t breath. My mom and sister had to pull him off of me and we all fell to the floor. Not 10 mins later my malignant narcissistic mother told me that her boyfriend was more a part of her family then I would ever be (mind you I’m adopted). Ever since than my malignant narcissistic mom swore that event never happened and I was making up the whole thing up. I disowned her because of that and went no contact.
That feeling when your partner cheated and you don’t have the courage to leave him or her so you just dealt with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one– living and seeing him everyday anticipating when will he or she do it again. Your articles are incredibly well done. No critique, thanks for doing this Future Imperative Corps
Anytime I spend time around them, I end up feeling like something is wrong with me… like I’m weird, or going crazy, or disliked… it’s very isolating and unsettling. My anxiety levels shoot up and I feel like I am unlikable. I feel an undercurrent of tension and rejection and contempt that I can’t explain. Like I have done something very wrong, but can never pin down what. I also end up talking too much or sharing too much, then worrying that somehow, my words will be used against me in the future. It’s happened before. I’m blamed for things I don’t think or feel. It’s exhausting and rips into my already fragile self-esteem.
Another thing a narcissist will do is to accuse someone of not being over something when in fact it was never resolved. For example, they emotionally abused you a few months ago and try to accuse you of the offense. Nothing was ever resolved a few months ago, but when you try to bring up the offense in order to salvage the relationship, they will accuse you of being bitter, angry, unforgiving and say “oh my god, you’re still hanging on to that”! That’s a sign to move on and forget about trying to resolve anything with them. What they are really trying to do is avoid dealing with their own emotionally abusive methods in interpersonal relationships. To verify it’s not you, just watch how they relate to others because they simply cannot help themselves.
Saying “thank you” is not enough to show my gratitude to you Coherent Recovery . It’s my honor to work under your guidance. Thank you for everything. Under your guidance, everything seems so easy. I truly appreciate your effort and advice that you give to us. You are a great support for us. All your hard work and dedication have paid off. You are an inspiration to other Expertise like you. Thanks for your great job. I’m proud of you getting access to my spouse phone! Thanks💯
Future Imperative Corps used his cyber services as a therapy session, taking us through a very chaotic mind and leaving us with a sense of peace and resolution at the end. He used this album as a way to document the breaking of generational curses that have kept his family toxic for so long while also giving the culture permission so that we can start breaking our own generational curses even if it means using him as the means to do so.
There is one red flag when you’re dealing with a narcissist, when you tell him your opinion, and he starts judging you by telling how wrong you are and then starts lecturing you. There is a huge difference between “I disagree” and “you are wrong, your opinion is wrong”. If you somehow got into conversation like that. Take a notice at this red flag.
Can we all appreciate this guys for taking the time to help all of us and making our lives happy, cause these dudes never fail to put a smile on our faces, guys they deserve the best in life we’ll all support them no matter what we all love you and I wanna Thank You So Much for being amazing! Future Imperative Corps
Brandon is a detailed oriented, customer focused, results driven individual who’s goals are to deliver only high quality services to his customers. Thanks Future Imperative Corps I always knew you can deliver. You have what it takes.I can’t find the right words to appreciate your effort, i can now check the phone activities. I’m glad to work with someone like you
The confidence you take in your work is really inspiring and amazing, special thanks The time and efforts you had put into getting me access into target’s phone is beyond excellence. Take my cordial thanks! Future Imperative Corps . You are really an efficient, organized and result-oriented man Thank you for all the extra hours and extra effort you had to put on for getting the access activated. I appreciate every bit of your effort. Thank you for pulling this off so smoothly…
It’s kind of contradictory to say that a narcissist ex admitted that to gaslighting. One of the behavior patterns of a narcissist is that they won’t admit fault on their own, and that they use gaslighting to convince you that they were never at fault. I can tell you what behavior of my narcissist ex led me to believe that I was being gaslighted though. Gaslighting is a real insidious way of manipulation- to make you believe that there is something wrong with you, that the actions/words of your narcissist weren’t really what they seemed to be. It makes you question your judgement, leading to you ignoring your instincts and senses. I swallowed all of her gaslighting for years, mostly because I wanted the relationship to work- like most people who have been the partner of a narcissist. I started realizing that something was wrong 6 months before I was discarded. It was actually this revelation that I had that led to the discard- once I started seeing through the illusion that she presented, I started to see all of her actions for what they really were, and I started to question her on everything and stood my ground on issues that I previously gave in on. We had gotten into a really bad argument. Tensions between us had been building for a few months. We had to move from our rental and find a new place to live within 2 months, in a town that was going through a surge in prices for rental properties. It was difficult finding a place to live that was within our budget, and still live in the town that had come to be our community.
One of the worse forms of gaslighting is when a person says “I’m a good person” and keeps neglecting your needs even though you tell them 100 times what your needs are. This manipulative tactic is so subtle that makes you doubt your needs and doubt your reality. I wonder is anyone here has ever experienced this?
Gaslighting is so so difficult. I feel like I can try my best to convey to the person how upset they’ve made me feel and I am instantly branded as a negative person. I need to keep reminding myself that no matter how much I look for that apology, I’m not going to get it and end up feeling more frustrated in the end
5:11 I made the mistake of doing this. I had recordings of him twisting my words, and making me think I didn’t remember what I said a few seconds ago. It’s so true. I played back the recording for him, where he directly lied to me, and he responded with, “See? You’re the manipulative one for even recording me. You feel like you can’t talk to me without recording me? YOU’RE the one that has trust issues, then, so this argument is all on you.”
My parents used to gaslight me. I recently learned that my sister may currently be gaslighting me too. In the case of my parents, the first and biggest example that comes to mind is from 2012. I had been taken off medication for the first time earlier that year and had significantly improved immediately. My parents refused to accept it and ultimately got me to take medication by saying I had already agreed to it. I knew I wouldn’t have, but confidence in my memory was low enough to give them benefit of the doubt. That’s a level of trust they have never given me. The medication in question made me suicidal and left me emotionally unstable and not as able to think clearly for years, even though I only took it for a few days. Within half a year, my parents were insisting that this medication didn’t exist and that the problems it had caused were due to me being off medication for so long. It didn’t help that the doctor that prescribed it didn’t put it into my medical record. Other issues I’ve had with my parents include Mom claiming my grades in school were lower than they actually were and yelling at me for it or Dad trying to dictate what I was allowed to think and feel at any given moment. Dad would say things like “You’re too logical to think this way,” or “I think you’re suffering.” If I got upset at him pressuring me, he would say something along the lines of “Fine, punish me.” My parents also have a history of making up misinformation about me. Claiming I’m not showering, claiming I’m not eating, etc.
1. When another person denies your emotions. They will make you doubt your feelings. 2. They deflect your concerns. 3. They deny what actually occurred. 4. Refuse to actually listen to you. Do not let then make you doubt yourself. People who do this lack empathy. If they minimize your concerns or feelings they are gaslighting you.
I was always saying “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.” I was confused so often. We had high highs and low lows. I didn’t feel safe having a conversation with him without witnesses. He told me that his therapist told him that if he didn’t know he was gaslighting, then he wasn’t gaslighting. Currently going through a divorce. 😁🎉 thank you for your articles!!!
I have a great memory! So whenever someone tells me something, I do remember it exactly what the person told me, I didn’t knew in the past this was gaslighting! Interesting is the story of my childhood friend, once we were at a wedding, we were maybe 9 and 8 years old! We were sitting in a car, she removed her blazer and there were a few kids in the car, we left the car for taking photos, when we came back I saw her blazer on the cars floor and with some shoe prints on it, I’ve told her, oh no! Your blazer fell down and somebody walked all over your blazer, she told me, you walked on it! I said, no I didn’t, but she didn’t stopped to blame me, although I was swearing, I didn’t do it, but as child you don’t understand gaslighting! She was growing up in a very bad situation, her mother divorced her father and moved abroad and left her with her relatives, then she was passed from one aunty to another, to grandmother and they all were not nice people, so she became a narcissist early on. We stayed friends for a long time, but every time I would visit her, her behavior was unbearable! Once I visited her and from her place we traveled to Venice, she was dieting so she took some food in boxes with her, I’ve told her, don’t bring nothing with you, you will not eat it, we will eat at restaurants, but she took it anyway, there of course she herself only wanted to go to a restaurant, so she let the food in the boxes in our room, the next day I woke up earlier and throw the old food in the dustbin, bcoz it was already bad and it wasn’t smelling good, I was pregnant by that time, so any smell was disturbing me, I washed the boxes, later she accused me of throwing away one of her yellow boxes, I told her I was 100 % sure, there was no yellow box, all boxes were in place, I didn’t throw away nothing!
Grew up with a narcissistic parent and have just realized how I much I did this to others thinking it was “normal” 😞 glad I’ve grown as a person and learnt better ways Edit to add: thank you so much to everyone who has shared, I’ve lost track of who I have and haven’t responded to, but if you are getting help or growing, I am proud of you!
My mother has been gaslighting me my whole life. I’m forever told “just get over it” and am not allowed to have a feeling or opinion. Conversations end up in yelling matches because I can never get more than 3 words of sentence out before she’s spouting off again and then she ends up hanging up. So frustrating and infuriating. Funny thing is she wants to move in with us. I said no way not happening. I think she was shocked.
Wow this is so spot on I would text my ex thinking at least he can’t interrupt I would poor my heart out on how he made me feel You know what he would come back with…. I’m not reading all this …OR move on Three years of chaos, drama and emotional abuse..one month free And healing slowly!! Thank you Dr Ramani 🙏 🥰
Two decades of living with a covert narcissist who used gaslighting, psychological projection, lies of omission/commission, mental reservation, and every conceivable trick in the book left me completely destroyed. I was a devoted husband and stay-at-home dad for over ten years who ultimately had to leave his children…or die. Two years later, I have recovered enough to finally understand the truth: I was NOT insane. She was. Truth matters.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula I love hearing your talks, and I need to remind myself I am not the crazy one, and missed out on how much better my relationship with my Mother could have been. Now I need to become comedianne to deal with explaining my Mother to others. It was tragic, all my life until recently.
I was gaslighted my whole life. After my divorce, I must have been in my early 30’s, I remember calling someone on something and they admitted it… I was stunned. No one had ever admitted anything to me in my life before. I don’t remember the circumstance, but I still remember the feeling of total shock and relief.
My ex was extremely emotionally abusive and gaslight me constantly. And unfortunately for me my memory is horrible so he made me literally feel like I was going insane and made me question my reality everyday I was with him, I had to eventually start recording and documenting everything just to prove I wasn’t crazy and that he was gaslighting me. Thank the lord I got out of that…
My third Dr R YouTube today, and I think she has just saved me going back to a narc. I was married to one for 12 years, 4 years apart and lots of reading, perusal and self educating on this behaviours. Gutted to be with someone I love dearly but I am walking on eggshells with him minimising, gaslighting, deflecting, excusing… how did I end up here again?!
When I’ve just moved in with my husband we had this episode… he came home and silent-treated me for a while. I was super confused. I kept asking what was wrong. What have I done? What’s wrong with you? He gave me NOTHING but the cold shoulder and silence. I cried, then I started packing my stuff. It wasn’t a manipulation, I did it for real and he sensed the difference. Everything changed in a heartbeat. He became super soft, guilty and begging guy. He said that some stupid stuff (like my mug forgotten in a wrong place) maddened him. And that he had problems at work. I was furious like never before. I yelled at him and said he had just wasted the only chance in life to silent-treat me. That this cannot ever happen again, or I leave and never look back. He looked scared. He apologized over and over again. And he never did this again to me in 7 years. Now I know his mother did the same to him when he didn’t behave. It’s clearly his trauma speaking. He denies, she denies, but I know she did this to our son when he wasn’t a good enough boy. And there is other narcissistic fun stuff going on, not too severe, and I wonder, is this thing treatable, manageable, or tolerable at all? I know if I wouldn’t show him I was ready to go for good that moment 7 years ago, he would silent-treat me over every tiny detail.
My boyfriend of a 7 year relationship and father of our 3yr old child was emotionally cheating on me with a girl he works with and when I found out I was devastated but somehow had to fight to keep HIM. A week later and he’s projecting onto me and flipped it now accusing me of cheating on him with my best of almost 20 years. I am straight and have never faulted from being loyal to my boyfriend, I love him so much it hurts. And that’s the problem. Love should not hurt. Love should not leave you in tears wishing you were good enough. 7 years of my life down the drain…Never lose yourself trying to earn the love and respect of someone else. My broken heart goes out to anyone going through this in whatever case…let’s hope we can heal in time and become whole again.
My ex-husband is a covert narcissist. His way of gaslighting me was to push my buttons. Usually he would do it in a room full of people. He knew what to say to piss me off. So he would sit beside me with his arm around me with a smile on his face and whisper things that he knew would instantly make me mad. So then I would snap and then he would jump away and act the victim. Saying see what I put up with everyday. She is so mean. I would get upset and leave. As I would leave I would look back at him and he would be smirking. He also cheated on me with anything and everything. The man worked as a jailer at a sheriff’s department and he decides to have sex with a woman who was in jail for murder. It was on article of course. Yet he tried to deny it. She accused him of rape to try to get out of jail. Again article. Anyway when he had to confess to me what happened he brought his sister and the sheriff to tell me and told them he was afraid of me. Laughable! Then has the nerve to blame what he did on me. I fell for it. I stayed. He always told me I was ugly and fat and nobody would want me anytime I tried to take the kids and leave. I did escape that relationship. Moved on been married to my best friend for 20 years now. My ex had no choice but to let me go. My current husband gave him no choice. I carried a lot of emotional baggage with me into my current relationship. Thankfully my husband is an understanding loving person. Hope this helps someone.
Gaslighting. My ex said I had “too many feelings”. When a topic came up that he was addressing about my insufficiencies, sometimes I would say “you do the same thing!” I would give an example. He immediately would say “We’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you.” Only it was never his turn. I could give so many other examples. I was with him for 14 months and still haven’t recovered, went no contact in January (restraining order for stalking). I was newly widowed when I met him. It has been really rough.
I never heard the term before. Unfortunately I experienced it in the corporate world. My boss was the COO of a large company who gas lighted me extensively. After confronting him and getting nowhere I sent him an email stating that I would be leaving the company at the end of the year. I sent the note on a Friday. Monday morning he called me in and said that he had looked for years with someone with my skills fo years, that I did more in 2 years than anyone in the previous 20 years etc… etc… It was almost exactly a year later he came at me really hard. I did not give him time to reconsider but quit on the spot. The CEO called me and left a message that he wanted to talk to me. I never returned the call and put the company in my rear view mirror.
I am grateful for these articles. I married my boyfriend 2.5 months ago and things got bad 2 weeks after the I do’s. It has been very disorienting. The gaslighting is what caught my attention as I started to call them out. I started to write things down. After calling out the last one which was a major lie he ignored me for 6 days. I submitted divorce paperwork today. I know that this person is likely not going to change, and I either need to be able to live with it or leave. I am leaving. Thank you for the work you do.
I am so happy i have found this. My sister is the narcissistic gaslighter and I wasted my life until now trying to prove the truth. I was always dismissed by my mother and sister and told that I was talking nonsense if I complained about being gaslighted. I am the smart sister but she is the golden child because she is prettier according to my mother. When I look at pictures of me when young I was a lovely looking girl and then woman, but it was so strongly ingrained in me by my mother that I was ugly that only at 60 I stopped thinking I am unattractive. Being in therapy helped me immensely.
I was in an emotional abusive relationship for 4 years. This was my first real relationship so I didn’t know really know what emotional abuse was or what a narcissist was. But he gaslighted me all the time when I would try and talk about my feelings of him being distant and cold, not compassionate, empathetic or affectionate towards me. I thought the gaslighting was how he would “express himself” because that is what he told me he was doing. But nothing ever got resolved. If I told him something was bothering me that he was doing, he would deflect and start talking about what I did that bothered him. Then the whole conversation would turn into what I did to him, never talking about the present issues. It was exhausting and made me sad and miserable. After finding and perusal these articles and Dr. Ramani’s articles, I finally left and realized I don’t deserve this and that my ex is in fact a narcissist. Good riddance.
This was really helpful. I’m coming to the realization that I’m a victim of narcissistic abuse from my mother and it’s been really challenging because I still believe she’s a good person and loves me. This has been a good introduction to figuring out how to navigate this from a healthy mature place than falling back into the entanglement of emeshment. 🙏 definitely going to read the book
I’m sensitive…emotionally, physically and spiritually. People make it sounds bad..but I believe it’s a gift. We are all different parts of the Spiritual body and have a different purpose to make it whole. Imagine feeling pain more intensely. Light is too bright, sound is too loud. This leads you to be more empathetic, sympathetic and calming. You are more forgiving, loving and giving. I have had people who honestly asked if I was an Angel. This from strangers. I have learned to balance my life and feel blessed.🙏
My oldest sister is a total narcissist. She deliberately says very hurtful and inflammatory things to me, then when I am obviously hurt or angry, she tells me I am way too sensitive, and that she’s “only trying to help me.” Which is total bullshh. She deliberately says hurtful things because it makes her feel powerful and props up her self esteem.
This is my brother. I went through the process of writing articulate, lengthy emails. It did not work. I was hit with gaslighting at every argument and discussion. Ending communication 100% with my narcissist brother was the only solution. He has no empathy whatsoever. He has no remorse. He does fake empathy.
ive been gaslighted by my mom for years.. when i realized it….it was heartbreaking… i look at her so different now.. how i found out is by perusal her talk to other relatives and friends.. then when she talk with me its completely different.. things didnt add up then i found out about the word gaslighting and im like yea that’s exactly what she did all these years..till this day i second guys myself on the simplest things.. gaslighting can destroy a person
After 30 years, I finally had words to put to my experiences. When my therapist said, “Your husband is gaslighting you”, it was the most eye-opening moment of my life. I have been free of him for 3 1/2 glorious years. This article reconfirms so much for me. He used the exact phrases you said. PleAse keep making articles so people do not waste 30 years questioning their value in this world.
Nodding my head throughout the whole article. Within the last couple of years I realized I was experiencing abuse–though my intuition knew that I should not have been with this person, I kept believing in the good times, the promises… A big symptom for me was the confusion I experienced throughout the relationship. Harsh ups and downs.
I was gaslit in my relationship in this classic example: I wanted to set a time aside that we could talk about “us” and any issues or concerns, as well as things that made us feel closer, as a way to bond and grow together. His response was “well I have A LOT of things I’m not happy with to talk about, and it’s going to take a LONG time. So either you can go first, or I’ll go first, but I have BIG, MAJOR concerns.” Surprised, as he never showed any signs of being unhappy with our relationship, I of course said “you can go first”. It was about a 2 hour lecture of how we should be better “team players” and when I asked for clarification on what that meant, he said “I can’t put my finger on it, but whatever it is you’re doing, it’s just not enough” After a 2 hour lecture of how I’m not fulfilling his needs (with no clear examples) I had no time or energy to even talk about what my issue was: That I wanted more intimacy. So that’s an example of being gaslit. My feelings were trumped by his “major issue” (out of no where) with no concrete examples. He deflected my emotions/issues/concerns to take the light off of the fact that he in fact might have some weaknesses to address. Bc the narcissist is perfect, everyone knows that…to the outside world!
As someone raised to be obedient, I can see (and have experienced) how easy it is to be gaslighted. Obedient kids are a result of authoritative parenting. In authoritative parenting, it’s all “always follow what Mom/Dad said because only Mom/Dad know what’s best for you”. What that actually teaches kids is that they need to obey a figure of authority. When these kids grow up and go out into the world, there are so many narcissists, psychopaths etc that will overpower obedient people (by positioning themselves as figures of authority), and easily manipulate them into giving them what they want. Just from my experience.
I stumbled upon this article which i had saved a long time ago to watch when i was ready for it. It is so weird for me to hear somebody talk about this and realizing every single trick in the book was used on me… im still trying to find the confidence to feel empowered i overcame it instead of being triggered by the topic over all.
First time I remember being gaslit was when I was around 17 and I was in an abusive relationship which I didn’t recognize as that. My boyfriend at the time and I got into a fairly large fight. He went to punch me, clearly aimed for my stomach, diverged his punch and hit me in the arm leaving a bruise. The next day we talked and I said “you hit me” he said “no I didnt” I said “yea you did” and pointed to my bruise. He said “you did that to yourself.” At this point I was so far gone, I actually had an inkling that maybe I didn’t remember correctly. Talk to your kids folks. Tell them what abuse looks like so they can avoid being on either end of it.
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I confronted my dad on a range of abusive behaviours that he perpetrated on me, it took so much courage to stand up to him. His response was, “I don’t remember that”. He used to tease me about the size of my breasts in front of relatives. All of them used to tell me that I was being too sensitive, it never mattered how upset I was, I was always the one that was wrong and taking good natured ribbing too seriously.
Thankyou, I’m disabled and in a halfway house to avoid homelessness. They’re threatening me with discharge if my health issue’s keep becoming an issue. I asked my Mother if things fall through here will she help me find someplace else to go and she gave me a fight over a simple yes or no? It was going off on me about issue’s from the past year’s etc. Telling me “are you having a nervous breakdown, are you drinking” all of these things rather than a simple yes or no answer? Yes, I had an issue with drinking but that has nothing to do with my losing everything including my home to MS. That was in the stress of it all and has been beyond over with. I’m going to AA etc. The more I pushed for an answer the crazier the deflections became. I almost want to send her this article but I’m sure she’ll just lose her mind and send me a bunch of insanity back.
So been here/done this. From the conversations to the written e-mail/letters…didn’t matter what I said or did. The best solution was what I finally resorted to: I ended the conversation forever. This person has puzzled me, though. The gaslighting was obvious. But the bigger picture felt more like borderline personality disorder, even though some narcissistic behaviours presented as well. Regardless, the two biggest take-aways I got from learning about the potential causes of this person’s behaviour were: 1) Get out and as far away as possible. 2) An overflowing empathy and care, which was way better than the anger and frustration I felt toward him in the beginning. I can care about this person and wish him well, but I can’t fix him, can’t help him and most certainly can never interact with him again. It’s very sad, but at least one of us is in a much better place. He may never change, but at least I am no longer the subject of his abuse.
This describes my supervisor very well. She is never wrong.. even if you have proof that she is! She will say it’s not what she meant, but mostly she says you were to dumb to understand what she meant. I know when someone is trying to manipulate me, but I have to look the other way if I want to keep my job.
I’m married to a classic textbook narcissist, 28 yrs. Separated for the last two yrs. I cannot tell you how much your articles have helped me. While I have always known that there was something very wrong with my husband, I could never put my finger on it, so to speak. He’s a master manipulator & gas-lighter. You’ve described him to the tee. I am learning so much from you Dr. Thank you 🙏 Btw… ordering your latest book‼️
Yup…every time my mother insulted me and I got upset, she’d say I was too sensitive. Every time I brought up a past slight on her part, she’d conveniently forget or deny that she’d done it. She even accused me of doing things that she perceived as nasty, that my sister had actually done. After 58 years and 1 month of it, I severed ties completely. And after several doses of these articles, I realized that I was unhealthily incorporating her tactics in my own behaviour. I now work overtime to mindfully avoid her tactics. If anyone can relate to this behaviour in a relationship, don’t hang on hoping to change it. Kick the relationship to the curb and start to live your life on a positive note.
My cousin was in the hospital and I was upset because we thought we were going to loose him. I was told I was “not in control of my emotions and unstable”. What?! No. That was a red flag. More flags presented (lying, outrageous thoughts, 0-100 anger, yelling at the TV randomly) and I’m outta here. He refuses to address anything he does, says, or his outbursts (which became dangerous). I’m not sure what exactly is going on with him, and his family and I have tried, but I will not be around to find out. Yes, it’s sad. I know he’s suffering with something internally but I cannot put myself in danger no matter how long I’ve known him (20 years before we tried dating). No one had any idea he was this bad or spiraled like this until I was here. My only hope is now that his family has more info, perhaps something good will happen. But he keeps denying.
Nailed it when you said you feel the need to record conversations. That’s exactly where I ended up, written and audio, screenshots, you name it. When I started googling why is this and that happening, as I did feel confused, crazy, brain fog, etc which is when I found out my partner is a narcissist. Then it all made sense. The records for me are a reminder, proof etc when I doubt myself. I did once say ‘No, you did say that’ told him I still had the messages, and of course i got snapped at ‘Oh that’s right you would keep those, so you can use it against me’ after that I realized there is no point trying to prove anything to a Narc. Because they didn’t do that, they didn’t say that etc. UGH
For the past year and a half, I had slowly stopped putting myself first and questioning who I am. When I started being more open and honest with my therapist and discussing my situation with someone who I was involved with and how I always questioned myself after each argument, my therapist finally brought up that I was being gaslit. I started to realize that I wasn’t crazy, I had actually started recording conversations because I questioned myself, and started researching gaslighting more. When I found the research and articles like this, I started to become disgusted with the situation. The funny thing is, the person gaslighting me told me to look up “gaslighting” and “narcissism” because I was doing that to her. When I told my therapist this, my therapist replied with, “That is exactly what someone who gaslights would tell you to do.” Thank you for shedding light on this. We’ll be able to move forward everyone 🙏
And they save the emails and always use them against you to say, “See? You send nasty mails…You ARE an angry and horrible/petty/etc. person!!” And this gives them evidence to show others so they can get everyone else on their side to gang up on you. It’s especially tough being the baby in a family of narcissists who never got therapy, who never take accountability….ugh…it’s just so frustrating. They think they know better than the youngest. But also…being the youngest and the most successful (AND I’ve had therapy that did wonders!!) bothers the heck out of them. Going No Contact is the ONLY thing that has enabled me to move on from self-doubt and second guessing myself. I wasted too much time. It’s interesting (and wonderful) now to see how much I’ve blossomed since I’ve stopped trying with those people. My spouse and children are a godsend, and I’ve never had so many friends before in my entire life. I am no longer insecure, and I’m super careful who I let into my life. I am happy…and I’m FREE.
Here is an example of gaslighting…… “Thus far, you have gotten thee most calm response out of me that you will get. If this spills over to an in person discussion, you will likely get a glimpse of the shadow that I not allow people to see. It would not be pleasant for anyone, mostly you. That is how much my well of patience has dried. I do not know who why you are not understanding that this will not be an in person conversation. Nothing has changed with me. You simply did not know that much about me, though you were extremely presumptuous to think you did.” ( this person was my friend for 6 years …treated him like family…referred to him as a brother…..)
I can’t take it anymore 🥺 it hurts so much… My husband is skilled in this. And I don’t have the emotional ability to stop it. I can admit I am trying every single day but he is so stronger than me. I cry and yell and it further makes me feel stupid so I’m here to get strength- strengthen my mind. He deflects SO SO much. I just spent two hours arguing with this narcissistic man and I’m exhausted. Y’all please pray for me, send good vibes bc I am working alone trying to deal with this.
I used to think I was dumb or something because this would happen to me a lot especially from younger people. What made things even worse was when I would try taking accountability for “my actions”, rather than being supportive, I would only get ridiculed/shamed more because then they would rub it in that they were “right”. Once I started understanding what was happening, I was able to take control of My interactions or lack of which drives a narcissist just as crazy but allows my sanity to remain more in tact. I say “more” because any interactions with narcissists, which is impossible not to do in today’s world, has some sort of negative effect.
One of my many experiences with Gaslighting: One night my husband (now ex) asked me to wake him up the next day (instead of him setting an alarm). I agreed to do this for him. The next day, when it was time for him to get up. I went into the room (as l was already up), told him it was time. He looked at me and started swearing, “What the F$#% ? I never asked you to wake me up. I don’t need your f@#$ing help to wake up in the morning, etc…” I was shocked and pissed. We took our daughter to her softball event. I refused to talk to him. When we got there, l was still not talking. He asked me what my problem was. I first asked “Seriously?” When he still acted bewildered, l recalled the events of the morning. He claimed that he didn’t remember any of that happening! For awhile, l wondered if perhaps he was actually sleeping or something when this happened, because how could he not remember doing it!? I have now come to realize that this is a technique that narcissists use to confuse their victims -Gaslighting!
When I broke up with my ex, who was a narcissistic abuser, he rang me the next day and talked to me as if nothing happend the night before. When I asked him what he was doing and told him I broke up with him last night, he laughed and said quote ” no you didn’t.. you know how I know you didn’t? Because that’s something I would remember you saying. You must have dreamt that because that never happened “. He was crazy and would always talk to me like I was stupid!
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Once ‘recording convos’ was mentioned. I was shocked . Still have convos of my mother with me her insanity just to prove to others like this monster is whom she is. This what i had to live with And still she tries the mind games and such so crazy. How this resonates with me in such a level thank you!
I was going through this with a caregiver who made sure that I was the abusive one in our relationship. It doesn’t help that I’m disabled (stroke survivor), and even made that my fault. I get that, I’m only responsible for myself. Since she saw that my immediate family had no regard for me, she didn’t either. I’m glad that I’m moving into an assisted living facility very soon!
So clarifying, thankyou!! I have yet to experience a conversation with a psychiatrist or mental health nurse where this ain’t happenin.🤣.. I feel like modern psychiatry is a relationship we can all say bye to ….esp now we know we are Not our brains, our past traumas, our control-dramas…. how can there be more actual Love experienced when people need to chat?…..is a question I can FEEL answers to, here. How can Joy, Freedom, and Trust be experienced like this, in our sensitivity? I’m sure I read somewhere it means to feel .it is Not Nuts to Express how we Feel.😁🐎🎉. I’m looking forward to the whole ” Mental” system integrating into Active Lidtening …Recognidingvwe Are MultiDimdnsional!!.🐙 ..like these beautiful conversations, so accepting, informative, groovy 🧡🌈 We Are The Powerrŕrrr🌟, Rock On 🧚♀️🌻🧚♀️🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
This is SO a parent of mine – throwing out “doubting” comments:”Yeah I had a long flight”, “You’re tired”, “No I just need some exercise”, “How about taking a nap?” “No if I can get on a bike-” “Well sleep is what you need”, “I know working out will help”, . “You should sleep.” — then I explode– and get looked at like I’m crazy.
My ex lied to the family and our kids and in court. Now one child hasn’t spoken to me for about 13 years. The family hasn’t spoken to me. So I always wondered if it would do any good to write a letter to my son and/or family member telling my side. I did do this before divorce but no one believed me at that time. My ex has now been married a total of 5 times. You’d think they’d all get a clue.
I knew what gaslighting was in general and I didn’t think that was happening to me, but with it properly broken down now I know that that was my entire childhood. I didn’t know how to describe what my mother was doing to me but now it’s so clearly gaslighting and it caused SO much damage. I was made believe things I was experiencing wasn’t happened, that everything was my fault, how I was hurting everyone else for being sick. I have massive trust issues now to the point where I can’t get into any romantic relationships and struggle greatly with friends. I never believe my own thoughts and can barely reach out for help even when I’m on the brink of suicide. I feel like now knowing that everything I went through with my mother was almost entirely gaslighting, I think I can move on easier. Just to be able to look back at things and know that it was wrong and that she was the problem, instead of taking the blame for things that blatantly had nothing to do with me
Hello there, I am a mom with grown children. Lately I have been experiencing these kind of behavior with my 27 year daughter. We were at a birthday party and I decided to leave a little early. She asked me to stay a little longer so I told her I was tired and I will be heading home. She got upset and told me that she thought I was bipolar or loosing it. I left and the following day I called her and told her if she could explain why she called me bipolar and said that she think am loosing it. She told me she was joking and I know her well to know she wasn’t serious.
The final “straw” and downfall of my marriage was when my husband said something to me that was not true and hurt my feelings. Since he was “always about being open and honest and talking things out”, I went to him and told him that what he said hurt me. 20 minutes later I was crying and apologizing to him for being so upset. Wait. What? I started paying very careful attention to everything he said, even writing things down.
Just recently my room mate gaslight me majorly. Told her politely I will be moving out of the apartment within three months. She was upset and suddenly claimed I had not paid my part of the rent to her for 6 months, which is not true and can be proven by our message exchange where she would confirm payment. But she stood firm despite the evidence.
I was raised by narcissistic parents and grew up in advertently “choosing” narcissistic men. Was married to two of them and almost a third before I saw the light. My ex fiancé was the king of using things and breaking them and hiding them all the way in the bottom of the trashcan or putting them right in the dumpster and not only would he not tell me that he accidentally broke it (or intentionally I’ll never know) but when I would ask if he had seen it he would actually sit there and watch me run around the house frantic looking for it when he knew full well what had happened to it and where it was…… in the trash. He then progressed to taking things of mine that he did not like and just getting rid of them, And then, again lying about knowing about their whereabouts and allowing me to search frustratingly everywhere looking for the item
This explains, in detail, what I have been experiencing, in a relationship with an alcoholic, for over 5 years. I did not know this was happening or that I could put a label on it. It is all a part of master manipulation and lying – all characteristics of an addict. I divorced and got out of this relationship, completely and am now recovering from it all! Thank you for this phenomenal article presentation!
Since I live in a nursing home, and have not-well-controlled BPD, about the only words I hear are “Calm down.” “Don’t cry….it. Makes it worse.” Or, when I’m melting down, “Why are you crying? There’s nothing to cry about.” I have 2MA’s and a Ph.D., but 18-19 year old aides are apparently have permission to prescribe: “Well, everybody’s about as happy as they decide to be. It’s up to you.” Baby-gaslight?
My two older kids who were adopted as older kids out of foster care. They both are narcissist and have either gaslighted or attemped gaslighted a lot. When they would first come to us and they would do something wrong right in front of us and Id call them out on it shed say, “no I didnt.” I said “I watched you do it with my own eyes”. She was 7 years old. That has not stopped. She is now 16.
I’ve been and sometimes still are gaslighted by my husband. What he is doing is saying “My memory is way better than yours. You’ve got that wrong. That’s not how it happened. And if he actually loses an argument he says: “That’s what I said all along!” He can not admit a mistake, he actually thinks he is not the one responsible for any mistakes and the blame was always on me. Oh and I am in the middle of a divorce though it’s not so bad since he left me. He wrecked me up so bad that I wasn’t able to care for anything else but our children and that made him feel so miserable, since I didn’t gave him enough love, that he tries to dispose of me. I am lucky, he is not malignent and isn’t actually trying to kill me, though maybe having both our children for the entire time would give him issues… So on the other hand he still needs me to provide him and his new girlfriend some private couple time…
I caught my ex-bf cheating. I saw text messages and there was really no denying it. He denied it anyway, told me I’m crazy and there’s something wrong with my head. He was mad at me for looking at the texts in the 1st place and gave me the silent treatment. I actually believed that I must be going crazy and was so scared to lose a great guy that I put myself on a daily prescription anxiety medication. Now I see gaslighting & gift giving.
To gain closure, I like to write an email expressing my thoughts then move on from the relationship. I know there will be no listening or considering of my feelings once I see this pattern so I know I must move on but closure does help ME. Rather they listen or not is a mute point after the gig is up.
I noticed that my parents gaslight me a ton. I ask them to be help me learn how to be independent, so that I don’t have to bother them at all and they refuse to help me learn so I can be independent and stay in my own place. My parents are getting older and refuse to listen to me including all of my concerns and people hate me because I have autism and I realized that most of my life that I am an eye sore to people.
my parents have narc qualties, and they took it a step further to take me to a pshycologist who said i have bipolar or phschosis.. i live in an arab country where society gives parents such rights. i.e. to abuse their children and face no consequences. And they have money and their inner circles are all the same ; they stand by each other.
when you tell them something that they did to hurt you and they say sorry immediately, and you are forced to accept their apology, knowing they did not listen or care, and now that theyve apologized, its over, you cant bring it up again. So you get invalidated in one minute. And if you continue to bring it up, they just give you dead stare, with the, “why are you repeating yourself, its over.”
Years ago, I had a boyfriend that was a very abusive. He would physically abuse me and had me so scared, that I didn’t trust myself. I was convinced he knew everything I did and that I might cheat on him and then not remember. I didn’t trust myself at all. He isolated me from everyone. He was extremely violent, I only got away when he was sentenced to a prison for aggravated assault. He beat a man breaking his eye socket and check bone, for trying to come on to me. I still have a lot of pain to get over from dealing with him.
I’ve dated so many of them that their gaslighting no longer affects me. I can see it. My boyfriend said I’m nagging. I yell and argue. I don’t. The old me did but I grew emotionally from that to learn how to communicate. All I asked for was more communication and affection. Since I’m always initiating the conversation.
Thank you thank you! This article brought me to tears, made me realized that I’ve been gaslit for past 20 years, and this article included exactly the very same words I heard from my husband all these years (thanks to my 13 years old daughter for introducing me to Gaslighting this word ) Being a highly sensitive INFJ, having a traditional upbringing in a little ethnic minority village, loyalty means everything to me, and breaking family is unthinkable. At age of 19, love bombed, I fell in love with this amazingly romantic person. I was happy, he was the center of my life till our 2 daughters came along, I was like a single mum who took care of 3 children, but he’s no long the center of my life. I’ve been guilt tripped and gaslit, I was made to believe that I was short-tempered (with my occasional outburst ) I blamed myself for being too sensitive… I had struggled and hurt so much and didn’t know what else to do, and didn’t understand what was wrong with him. I tried everything and every way, and they would work for a few weeks, then back to the same cycle again and again, his abuse of alcohol made it even more despairing. I simply couldn’t face another ugly fight I never win, I just couldn’t deal with him and I was hopeless beyond words. I had to break away from from this toxic situation, to protect me and my daughters’ fragile emotions. Last December, I gathered all my courage and signed the separation agreement. to be able to get him out of the house, I agreed to all the conditions he laid out, buying him out, so I could have full custody of my 2 daughters.
Holy cow, this is like a textbook map of my previous relationship. This explains a lot. What helped me the most was couples’ counseling, which I had made a condition to me moving in. I worked so hard at the relationship and also doubted myself as a result of his criticism, and the counseling helped validate that my concerns and my truth were legitimate. He absolutely hated counseling, and it quickly eroded our relationship, but really it saved me time by showing me that the relationship did not have the potential to grow.
In my old job, which I had for 4 months as a sales team leader, I had a female manager who I had concerns with even during the interview. She rarely let me speak during my interview, interrupted me with other questions or dismissed certain points that I had made about previous employment. She just didn’t seem like the type of person who really listens to her employees. The focus of the interview was more on her if anything! Anyway, I get the job. First day was great, second day was okay. But as a team leader, I’m in charge of my group ensuring they’re meeting KPI’s, giving good customer service etc.. The entire time I’m there, she’s giving me lessons on selling, she’s not really interested in the experience I’ve accumulated in the past, all she wants to do is turn me into a salesperson. Anyway, I explain to her that I’ve had experience, I’m comfortable selling the way I have been successfully the last 5 years, I’ve had multiple employers give me outstanding references, and I’ve had so much training already that has enabled me to join the ladder to management. I said what I really need is product training. I know the sales, please teach me the product, therefore when I am approached by a customer, I can better understand the product. Knowing how to sell is irrelevant if I don’t know what it is I’m selling. She saw that as disrespectful, she told me I’m rude, ignorant, defiant of superiors etc.. Because of that very polite chat I had with her about this, which was supposed to be a chat to have an understanding with her and to explain in a polite way that I would like to be trained on products more than anything, as my selling will shine through once I know the products, she contacted her line manager and requested that I be fired.