An open marriage is a form of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) where both partners consent to have sexual or romantic contact with people other than their primary partner. Open marriages are distinct from polyamory, which seeks to establish additional partners in a relationship. Open marriages are generally focused on outside sexual connections only, and they follow guidelines of agreed-upon emotional and physical relations outside the primary (wedded) relationship.
Open marriages involve one primary relationship that is legally married to one another and describes their marriage as their primary relationship. Both parties consent to have romantic or sexual contact with people other than their primary partner. Effective communication is key to determining the success or failure of an open marriage.
Open marriages invite exciting possibilities but also emotional considerations, as they add onto the existing dynamic. Outsourcing intimacy in a marriage is a sin, and managing jealousy, setting clear boundaries, and maintaining honest communication is important for a successful open marriage. Couples should carefully consider their reasons for pursuing an open marriage and approach this lifestyle with care and respect for each other’s feelings and needs.
Doing your research is essential to understand the differences between open marriages and polyamory, as well as the importance of consent and understanding in open marriages. Open relationships differ from swinging, where partners have sex with other people at parties and the relationships are purely sexual.
📹 Love Lessons from Open Relationships | Kathy Slaughter | TEDxWabashCollege
Relationships can get ugly, but this doesn’t have to be your reality. Kathy Slaughter proposes a revolutionary idea that people can …
Are open marriages more successful?
SAGE Journals says that 80% of practitioners prefer open relationships. Open relationships have the same success rates as traditional monogamy, according to the Lasting Connections Network. Men’s Health says that people in open relationships are less likely to cheat. Powell Books says that honest communication is key to success in open relationships. The Institute for Family Studies says that about 70% of people in open relationships have college degrees or higher. 67% of participants said open arrangements made them happy, according to Open Talk Magazine. Medium Kink Power says only 30% of gay couples engage in such practices. 53% of open couples report less jealousy, according to Psychology Today. Both men and women enjoy having sex with more than one person, according to the International Society of Sexual Medicine. The Institute for Family Studies says that polyamorous relationships often have better communication.
What is the difference between an open relationship and cheating?
Open relationships have boundaries and guidelines, says Moushumi Ghose, a licensed sex therapist. Cheating breaks agreements. Open relationships allow people to have more than one sexual or romantic partner. But you can still betray a partner. Here’s how. People still have many misconceptions about open relationships. We live in a culture that thinks monogamy is the best. Anything that doesn’t fit this can feel threatening. Open relationships are just as valid as other relationships.
They offer an alternative to the dominant social construct. They let you live authentically and make you and your partners happy.
How to ask wife for open marriage?
You can say, “I’m curious about an open relationship, but I’m worried I won’t be honest or respected.” If your partner isn’t open to it, it probably isn’t a good idea, they say.
Try asking a friend not to text you after 10. Finally, you can tell your partner what you want and don’t want in an open relationship. “It gets easier with practice,” says Dr. Pitagora. If you have trouble expressing your needs and boundaries in relationships, therapy can help.
5. How do you deal with jealousy? Jealousy is a human emotion that can happen even when you don’t expect it. If you’re opening up your relationship, you’ll have to think about why you’re jealous and how it affects you. Do you lash out or become insular? Or you might ignore your feelings and pretend everything is okay. Your jealousy could get in the way of healthy communication in an open relationship.
Do open marriages last longer?
Non-monogamous couples are more satisfied with their relationships than monogamous couples. This shows the benefits of open marriage. Couples who practice non-monogamy may be happier in their relationships. This could be important when discussing open marriage divorce statistics. It suggests that couples who practice non-monogamy are more likely to stay together and have a more successful marriage. About 34% of Americans think open relationships can last. This statistic is important because it shows what people think about open relationships. Many people believe open relationships can be successful. This could be used to counter negative statistics about open marriage divorce rates. Couples who swing have a 2.8% divorce rate. This shows open relationships can be successful. Couples who engage in swinging have a lower divorce rate than the national average. This suggests that open relationships can strengthen couples’ bonds. About one in five Americans has been in a non-monogamous relationship.
How to tell if a couple is in an open relationship?
Open relationships exist and can be just as healthy as monogamous ones. Open relationships are open in more ways than just letting other people in. They’re also open in terms of honesty, transparency, and openness between the two primary partners. People in healthy open relationships talk about their relationship all the time. They talk about what they want from each other, what they want from outside partners, what they’re comfortable with, who they’re allowed to be with, and what they’re allowed to do with outside partners. How do I know your Wedded-But-Wants-You-Bedded Man isn’t in an open relationship? If he was, you could ask his wife. If she’s fine with him having an affair, they should be open about it. She should be happy for you to sleep with her husband.
When should you consider an open marriage?
An open relationship can be appealing if you feel constrained by monogamy or if your partner is not comfortable with your sexual fantasies.
The pros and cons of open relationships. A 2020 study found that people are just as happy in CNM relationships as in monogamous ones. But an open relationship may have some benefits, including:
More sexual satisfaction; better communication; more friends; more excitement in the relationship.
What can go wrong in an open marriage?
Mistakes in Open Relationships Not communicating. Being inconsiderate. Expecting too much. Not setting boundaries. Failing to keep jealousy in check. Choosing the wrong people. Open relationships are becoming more common. More people than ever are trying non-monogamous relationships. A YouGov poll in April 2021 found that a quarter of Americans would consider a non-monogamous relationship. A 2021 study published in the journal Psychology & Sexuality suggested that people in open relationships were 20 percent happier than more traditional pairings. The pandemic has led to more couples considering open relationships, says Tammy Nelson, director of the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute in California. More people are creating monogamy agreements that work for them, she told Newsweek.
Do open marriage exist in India?
Riddhish K Maru says open marriages are on the rise because people are changing. He says, “People’s mindsets have changed rapidly in our country.” People often get into a rut with each other in bed. Open marriages help people break out of routine. This way, you can keep your family happy and avoid divorce. You might not be satisfying your partner. Some people think sexual fidelity is childish and humans aren’t meant to be monogamous. Some people stick together this way because they have options. Finally, some people think open marriages give them freedom. But relationship expert Kinjal Pandya says that open marriages aren’t for everyone. She says that open marriages are for people who know what they want and are willing to give their partners that space. “Open marriages are only for people who accept their partners’ polygamous behavior.” Get the latest news on India’s general elections on the HT App. Download now! Download now!
Is an open marriage healthy?
Final thoughts. An open marriage is a good choice for some couples, but it’s not a solution for saving a marriage. If you think your marriage is ending, try counseling with your spouse. Opening your marriage makes things worse. Verywell Mind uses only reliable sources to support the facts in our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we check facts and keep our content accurate.
Ariane Resnick, CNC is a mental health writer, certified nutritionist, and wellness author.
What is the point of an open marriage?
Open relationships help partners communicate their needs. They also relieve the pressure of having to fulfill all the emotional and sexual needs of one partner. They allow partners to express different aspects of themselves.
What are the rules for an open marriage?
To have a successful open marriage: Is an open marriage healthy? What percent of open marriages end in divorce? Rules for a Successful Open Marriage: Is an open marriage healthy? Open marriages can be just as healthy as monogamous ones. Some say open marriages can make people happier. In traditional marriages, we expect our spouse to meet all our needs. But one person can’t do that. This can cause problems in relationships, leading to conflict and even divorce.
Is relationship outside marriage legal in India?
In India, a live-in relationship is not legally recognized like in some other countries. The Supreme Court of India says that a live-in relationship without marriage is not illegal. People who live together without getting married don’t have the same legal rights as married couples, but they are protected by the law. Watch the video to learn about the rights of live-in partners in India! Rights of Live-in Partners in India. There is no definition of a live-in relationship in India. It’s when two people live together with their consent. It helps people understand each other and make informed decisions about marriage. Also, know your rights in a live-in relationship in India.
📹 Monogamish: The new rules of marriage | Jessica O’Reilly | TEDxVancouver
This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. Jessica showcases the grey-area …
As a guy who has been monogamous and a swinger, monogamy is a whole lot easier to deal with than a swinging relationship as far as stability goes. There are tons of traditional couples who have been married 30-40-50 years, it seems to me that the swinging couples I used to know had all been married multiple times and never had strong relationships to begin with. There is no such thing as innocent flirting, flirting either gets shut down or it escalates.
I’m the first to admit I am old-fashioned. I have been married twice (the divorce was not my choice) the first time for 24 years and currently, going on 25 years as well. Fidelity and acting within my values has always been a priority for me. I would not have an affair because doing that would hurt my husband. We are best friends, partners and intimates. I have had opportunities to have an affair but I chose not to follow up and do so because I value myself and my marriage more than that.
Part of the problems with marriages failing and partners being unhappy, and other problems is that people don’t try. Every relationship takes effort in order for it to work. People are not willing to put in the effort not to be selfish, not to gripe and complain all the time, being a little selfless, being thoughtful, and being patient. Marriage requires a lot of work… work that people are not willing to do.
Got married at 25, married an amazing woman. She is my best friend. 2 kids, almost 5 years later and we’re stronger today than we ever were. Our love for each other grew over time because we foster in each other loyalty and respect. In order to make a relationship last those 2 things are the most important. Temptation is everywhere, you just have to avoid it.
This is a sneaky good presentation about communication, learning your partner’s needs, and expressing your insecurities so you can address them. If you’re wondering if you’re still physically attractive, and your girl is openly fantasizing about someone in great shape, it’s a good non-aggressive indicator that it’s time to get your health habits and confidence right ASAP
Let’s make this simpler. Humans are humans we find others attractive and can still be loyal. Basically dont shun and repress every thought that comes through your mind about someone other than your partner. You’d think this is common sense. Repression leads to obsession, that leads to shady actions. Just accept these thoughts and move on.
I will never commit to a woman who plans to cheat on me as a natural part of the long term relationship. It’s already happened to me a few times. I now appreciate that every relationship has a honeymoon phase and when that ends she will go to another who creates that feeling strongly within her. It’s part of the Disney princess fantasy to constantly seek that magical prince who only exists in the mystery of a stranger.
I think if people want to be monogamous they should. If people want to be open, they should. If people want to be polyamorous, they should. It’s none of my business what two consenting adults do in a relationship. If it’s something I disagree with, then I personally won’t do it, but I’m not going to shove my beliefs on someone else. Do what makes you happy in your relationship! It’s YOUR relationship after all, not anyone else’s. There’s no one right way to do things and getting into a relationship is risky as it is.
I have a friend who’s been practicing a version of this with her husband for 13 years. She’s stunning. A home maker. Intelligent. Does not have any social media accounts, but her husband always wants more. He’s constantly threatening divorce because he’s never happy and he’s always trying her to see how far he can get. No thank you. This won’t work for everyone
Commitment is like being a soldier. It requires work, discipline and practice. The minute you start throwing that away for comfort, thrill or entertainment, you invite the opportunity of failure inside the walls. If sleeping around is your battle planned answer for “boredom” after a few years of marriage, just save everyone heart ache and keep it single. Problem solved.
this woman presents the idea that a guy will still have a drive and find other women attractive(wo pursuing them) as something incredibly revolutionary. if you want a relationship to last, be his best friend. which means that if he finds someone else attractive and u hear about it, its not something he should expect u to freak out about. anything else is just making people miserable.
Maybe I am wrong, but I believe that the ideal marriage is one where either spouse has the freedom and security to leave the relationship if they so choose, but they stay in the relationship because they want to. From a Judeo-Christian perspective, the further we get from God’s design for marriage, the less happy we become.
Monogamish works because only at this point partners deal with each others as best friends. Like when she asks him “do you like that girl” or when he tells her “oh this guy is hot”. Then, not only they sided their mental formula of being partners who can judge each others but deal like best friends who can open up to anything. Friendship really matters.
Monogamy isn’t a reason most marriage fails. Most marriage fails because people are scared to be alone and get into relationships nowadays or marriage for wrong reasons with somebody who’s not really good for them. It’s easy to be monogamous (mind and body) with the right person (not saying there is only one out there). Maybe that idea scares people with intense libido, but even them they just need to find the right fit.
i dont know why the divorce rate is addressed practically only to monogamy, not the inner work and resolving issues such as communication or attachment trauma. When we meet someone new of course the whole our system lightens up and we get extra energy, optimism and butterflies but maybe we only bypass real issues and even outsource them to a new person.
12 years in a relationship here.. im not saying ive been perfect neither has he, but we’ve never cheated irl on each other and honestly i believe our love is strong and i trust him ive found at least for me in my relationship honesty and sharing like there is no mine or his its ours was monumental we are team players not enemies and if one has hurt the other 99% of the time it was accidental and easily forgivable… with that said to err is human and perfect doesn’t exist if youre a human that is… just love the best ya can dont be a door mat and be happy and safe cause its 2020 and covid sucks..
“Nature gives us shapeless shapes…clouds, mountains, and waves…but when love doesn’t remain the same…we point our fingers and blame, blame, blame.” A verse from Paul Simon’s “You’re the One” song. An underrated song. Not all loves are the same. I think people should consider that the pros and cons of attempting to make things last that clearly weren’t meant to last. Some things just have duration not unlike our life spans. It really doesn’t matter what your parents think or society thinks about your personal relationships. It matters what YOU think. People are often happier AFTER they get divorced. Let that sink in. Do you want to be loyal…or do you want to be happy? If you can’t do both…you’ll have to pick one. I suggest happiness, ultimately. Your only unconditional loyalty should be to your kids if you have any and if you fail in that area it’s because you are still a child yourself. I look at the Boomer generation and constantly find 80 year children who think they are all grown up because they have so many years. Some are, of course, but even my own parents still make childish mistakes that I haven’t made since my teens. Grow up first…THEN get married. If things go South maybe consider proving to all the world that you ARE grown up by having an AMICABLE divorce. I DARE you! 😉
The most interesting thing I’ve learned from monogamy over time is how variable sexual satisfaction can be from one encounter to the next with the same partner, depending on mood, fatigue, inebriation, endocrine system function, etc. It’s always at least OK, but sometimes it’s awesome and sometimes I’m still thinking about the previous time afterwards. It just depends, and you can’t control it. Now imagine I had only a one night stand with my partner and we both judged it based on whatever chance gave us on that occasion, while we were nervous strangers with each other. We would be trying to judge how compatible we were from a tiny sample size, and probably getting the wrong answer. That’s with holding the “partner” variable constant; extrapolate to a string of different partners, and you can’t help but attribute that inevitable variation to them rather than random chance. This person’s a terrible lover and you never want to see them again, that person’s fantastic and you want more, but those signals are completely unreliable, because you were having a bad day, or they were having a great one, etc. No wonder such a person would keep looking and looking. Wow, square/circular wheel was an extremely stupid example. No culture in history has ever used square wheels and then upgraded to circular; if you’re talking about a real phenomenon, it should be easy to cite a real example. And wait, looking at other people but never acting on it is now not “monogamous”? Flirting but not following through is not “monogamy”?
Some people are wired to manogamous, some are not. Simple as that. The important thing is that we each figure it out for ourselves and are absolutely honest and truthful about it. If everyone was truthful about who they really are and everything was in the open, then we all know where each other stands. If we can just accept each other as we are and let people do what they want in their own privacy then none of it has to be made a big deal. The most decent thing we can do is be real and honest with each other. That is the most respectful thing.
Human will always be human. we are emotional being. We get jealous and angry. Term it it whatever. Are we forgetting the fact that relationship fails also because of infidelity which usually started with “small fire”. Hence dont play with fire. Love can be a beautiful thing. Dont wash down the meaning of love and mistaken it with lust.
Everyone’s probably different which makes it complicated. Not acting on my thoughts and words over time only serves to frustrate me. So it probably won’t work for me and it’s probably best to control or distract myself from such thoughts as they creep in. Divorce in my opinion is still the best last resort for couples even if it might hurt 1 person more than the other. After all, pain, when overcome, makes us stronger. As much as I struggle just like everyone else, the pursuit of ideals is the higher and more honourable path. And the ability to act against our instinct is what separates us from other animals. If we allow our instincts to control us, where do we draw the line? Do we simply choose not to work because we’re lazy? Do we allow ourselves to physically hurt others when we feel like it? extreme examples but yeah if we let one slack, we’ll quickly descent into a chaotic society.
I think by perusal this article I will eventually make better decisions about who is better suited to be my wife or life partner regardless of who she is or where she comes from as long as she can love me and respect me for who I am. I found her speech to be interesting and helpful. Would love to hear her speak at future TED events. ❤❤❤🙏
Obviously this only works for a few couples. All of you people saying it doesn’t work? It does. Your partner just didn’t/doesn’t respect you enough, or they never loved you to begin with, or they were not the kind of person that this works for, or you weren’t, and you actually pushed them away by being passive agressive about it. All I’m saying is that it DOES work, just not for everyone. Her chart should’ve left space for a 4th option. There will always be couples that just don’t work because one or the other or both refuse to give ground and come up with a middle ground they can agree on
One critical thing not brought up here is how people in marriages become comfortable. Too comfortable. Comfortable to the point were we do not think of our partners like we did when we were trying too woo them. Comfortable in gaining weight and not providing emotional support we once might have. Comfortable like being in a job you cannot be fired from, until you are! Opening of the relationship should not be external but internal. Discuss continued wants and risks without feeling shame. I think much of what this woman talks about adds risk to your relationship for most people.
Yes but for some flirting leads to talking, talking leads to hanging out and that eventually leads to cheating. Not everybody can have the strong will to push the brakes at some point. People lose to temptation. Once you place that seed in your mind, you will almost always want to explore more at the same time constantly justifying in your mind that it’s just an innocent flirt. Keep in mind that even if you’re strong enough to hold back at certain point, you have no control over the other person you’re flirting with. And he/she might have just the right amount of charm to tempt you enough to break those boundaries. Then the next thing you know is that you or your SO is lying in someone else’s bed with guilt, trying to figure out what went wrong.
All couples are different and they need to find what works for them. One important key to long term satisfaction is open and honest communication. You can’t make your partner happy if you don’t know what they really want. Find what works for you and your partner and refuse to be bound by other people’s idea of what a relationship should be.
I think the biggest problem is that people don’t understand what marriage is when they go into it. Marriage isn’t love, it is work. That isn’t to say that you can’t love each other, in fact I think that it is very important to marry someone who you love. But for some reason people think that when they get married they will love each other more. Marriage does not bring love, it brings responsibility and taking responsibility is what brings that long-term happiness and joy.
I believe most people can have a strong, lifelong marriage. It requires choosing a mate carefully and for the right reasons. Consider that you will never be able to change the parts of them you don’t like and can you accept that? remember that you can’t change them but you can change yourself. Work on becoming a better person instead of fixating on your partners flaws. frank communication, early and often, before problems get out of control choose to put her first and woo her, even when you don’t feel like it. If you act, feelings will follow. This is what I’ve learned from a failed 10-year first marriage and a successful 20-year second marriage.
Although I respect her opinion and think she is a great speaker, I feel like this way of thinking isn’t fixing the problem of marriage failure. It is just paving the way for people to take the easy way out and allowing them to be corrupt and not have to be completely faithful. Maybe I live in a fantasy but I would like to believe love is out there that doesn’t need anyone but their partner and doesn’t want to play little games to get excited. Keep the love alive and focus on your partner. No one else should matter.. at least in my eyes.. but if this works for other people then more power to them. I just would want a pure love and connection. This wouldn’t work for me.
Her idea is like throwing down a perfectly done, on the bloody side, hot steak in front of my dog. And telling him that he can smell it, he can look at it, he can drool over it. But don’t eat it! Eating the steak begins with smelling and salivating over the idea of the steak as it simmers in the oven. May as well just eat that steak or stretch that rubber band.
I may be “new school”, but my husband and I entered our marriage knowing that this type of elasticity is not only normal, but expected. We both knew and know our relationship will change and evolve over time, but we vowed to each other to covet the vows of understanding, loving, and acceptance of change in both of us as individuals… And, we’re excited for it! We want to grow individually, together! And that means in every way. And, like Jessica says, just because you stretch one way it doesn’t mean a couple has to stay stretched… Because of the vows we gave to each other. Anyway… Long-winded way to say: love yourself, love your partner… Find what works for you, not what seems to work for others. You, as a couple, are in it together. Make it work for you. <3
Been there doesn’t work boundaries get pushed and not respected. You can’t control how far other parties go behind your back. Intimacy and respect is the key to keep a marriage strong. I thought I had to be understanding and logical about biology and human tendencies but now I think you either want that person or you don’t. You either want to be married or you don’t. Make a decision and stick to it. Have a backbone and be real for everyone’s sake. Loyalty is sexy but rare but that is the only way I will be in a relationship. Loyalty is easy for me because that is the choice I made.
Open relationships never ever work and one partner always get hurt. If you get to the point of open relationship this means that your relationship is over and intimacy means nothing. The problem with couples is that many stop dating each other and marriage becomes robotic. Always remember why did you start dating in the first place and try to maintain that flame alive. My partner asked for years to have an open relationship and now he is married to one of his mistress. *The third wheel during intimacy becomes a nuisance that includes touching / not touching, thoughts, action/ no action. Once that third wheel is in your bed physically or in thought your marriage is over. Intimacy and trust means nothing.
I can say with absolute certainty that this set of ideas will only fly if the person you married has a reasonable degree of emotional intelligence and you can maintain a healthy intelligent dialogue, minus petty jealousies. Preceding that, it greatly helps to find someone who actually likes a little bit of variety, adventure, greatly aspires to personal development, and is reasonably introspective otherwise marriage version 1.0 won’t work let alone marriage version 2.0. Yes, I can say this with the deepest conviction. -By the way, don’t even ask me how I know all of this… Hey, actually while I think of it, is their anyone out there looking for an unwanted second-hand husband? Just asking for a friend you see.
It’s interesting how when something feels “wrong / challenging” we seek to fix something external before dealing with our inner selves. In this case, the institution of marriage is the problem, not something within ourselves (character, morality, depression, addiction, etc). I’m not saying she’s completely wrong, but trying to point out how quick we are to shift blame and responsibility.
Very open-minded and informative speech. I love the rich vocabularies she used. It also reminded me of the relationship between Chuck and Blair in “Gossip girls”. I believe it is about coming down to your authentic self and strengthen your couple’s bond through being able to divulge the deepest fantasies and thoughts with your partners.
this means that people need to maintain their relationship at any cost. These methods are just diversions from the important point that long term relationships might not be the only solution.If people are not able to be faithful then they must sperate and continue their love life in other relationships
Great talk. Yes my partner and I have discussed and actually lived this years ago when we first met and went to a few swingers parties. Over the years we went our separate ways now many years later we’ve reconnected. Yes we have conversations about all these things frequently. We’re very open minded individuals.
“Let the Divine light shine within us to reveal the highest blessing.!” We all could be that Divine light if we meditate and pray. In your heart and mind listen to what God may say. Receive the blessing that comes from God on high. There you will experience divine peace and love. Be thankful and prayerful to God above.
Jealousy is about the fear of losing your partner and the life you imagine with them in the future. If you love them set them free, but always share every detail. Its the not knowing exactly what may be going on that brings fear. If someone else can make someone you love more happy and fulfilled than you, then you are not loving them by enslaving them. That will only lead to distance and resentment. Love is not limited. The more you share the more you have to give.
The rush to assume that it’s monogamy that is the problem and not other aspects of human relationships, particularly pre-marriage and particularly mental, is just too sad to see. We are getting stupider and more selfish as time goes on, it seems. Never has there been a time when our sexual desires trump all other things in life. We pick up one little thing and blow it out of proportion because our priorities aren’t straight, and we have only two ounces of understanding about human history and even the current state of human affairs before we make grand and glorious conclusions about what we “should” be doing. And by the way, it simply isn’t true that the only reason humans tend to dislike polygamous relationships, in whatever form, is because “it has been ingrained” into our brains. Talk to many women from continued polygamous relationships and they’re not always happy either. Even people in the polyandrous societies can be found who prefer to have only one partner.
Don’t get married at a young age even if you think you’ve met the right person, the world is very complicated today! There are more options/opportunities/opinions etc. then ever before. Give yourself time to learn and grow, eventually you will come to know the the type of person you are and the type of person you want in your life. Most people don’t want a player/flirt as their partner. At the end of the day it really comes down to you and what you want. Speaking for myself, being faithful, honest and committed give’s me a strong foundation I can build on, it’s what I want and what I choose for life partner.
Good talk. She concludes that people are different and there is no right or wrong way. She gives a new insight called monogamish, which I think people are doing in some form or another already without realising it. This talk just helps with the guilt by labelling and normalising it. Just because Jesus said thinking about it makes it adultery, doesn’t make it adultery.
Marriage may have broken down because of the nuclear family. Everything falls on 2 people only and that can be super stressful. When extended family was in place the extended, parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, nephews, nieces, cousins. We had more support/ love. I think THAT held the marriage together.
The problem is that people think marriage is the end game. They look for someone to marry, not someone to share their life with. They get all giddy thinking once the ring goes on, that everything is going to be gravy, and all problems are going to go away. Find someone you enjoy being with, and be with them a long time before you get married. Your wedding day should just be a busy day, not the biggest day of your life.
The 50/50 divorce rate is incorrect. I’m surprise that she doesn’t know that this is incorrect. She’s using the Overton Window to try to change the traditional style of marriage. I’ve herd people talk about this before. These thoughts will lead to actions. Always have, always will. She’s talking about emotional cheating.
It’s interesting how you grant the inner side of the human less importance than to the physical one. Our thoghts are connected to our feelings e. i. we feel the things we think of. So, if we watched our thoughts, we’d somehow have control over our feelings, right? Then, by willingly experiencing pleasure, setting up mental ralities, we empty our harts of the good feelings we have toward our spouses, thus drifting apart from them.
I like the idea of being with others, in fantasy certainly and for my partner. In reality it still scares me. I can see it in very ideal conditions but reality is usually different from what you envision and feel what it is actually happening. For some this isn’t true and they love doing it, and that is great if you do. Sometimes it is scary to even confront the issues that are holding you back or have those conversations with your partner.
Imho, a big issue is, we (any given couple) just don’t talk about marriage in terms of how are we going to take care of it so it goes the distance. We might discuss car upkeep, what we need to do to keep our jobs, etc. but marriage is mostly never discussed like this (or similar) unless things have gotten quite bad in some sense.
1:57 There is a slight difference between your examples and marriage, if you don’t make it to your destination safely you die, if your marriage fails you don’t. And you arriving to your destination doesn’t depend on you and your marriage does. Also, that statistic of 40% of marriages failing doesn’t mean your marriage has a 40% chance of failing, if you go out and marry the first person you find you will have a higher probability than 40%, if you wait for the right person and you are willing to try to make things work it will be much higher than 40%. Marriage isn’t the problem, it’s getting married without really knowing who you are marrying, not seriously considering your life together, many people are happily married and for them marriage works.
To each your own, but as someone who’s been in multiple types of relationships (from straight monogamy to openly open), I can say this type of thinking will go wrong a lot more times than it will work out long term. Most couples (as she even stated in the talk) are not cut out for this idea. What’s waiting for most couples when they open the pandora’s box that Jessica is so teasingly handing them is a lot of bad things that will either irreparably strain or break most relationships. It also seems to me that for her, provacatively telling thousands of people that they should ‘think of other people’ is more a way to get herself going in her own life (and ego) than helping other people. Again, to each her own
Everyone saying “all you gotta do”, “part of the problem”, “you’re just selfish” “it takes work” Why doesn’t anyone just acknowledge that sometimes you chose the wrong partner? Chose a person that just turns out to not be the person for you. It happens. Friends come and go. Some friends stay forever. Unfortunately some of us chose the friend that was supposed to come and go.
Glad someone had the courage to say what many people feel but fear speaking. Sure, this philosophy won’t gel with a lot of people. When I read the negative comments, I see that this talk pushes those people’s boundaries. The truth is marriage and relationship is a risk…if you marry for security and supposed guarantees you’re delusional. How many couples say to their partner years down the road, “oh…you’ve changed…” Where does it say in a marriage covenant/vow that you shouldn’t change? Truth makes people uncomfortable…. and perhaps, what Jessica O’Reilly says is nothing particularly new… Nowhere in her talk does she say that moving in the direction she discusses be done in in any other way but consensually. Most of the problem is, as any one in a relationship can attest, is communication. And if you can’t talk about your feelings or your process openly and honestly, and to be received by your partner, then what’s the point of the relationship? What constitutes the “sanctity” of the relationship for one couple, obviously doesn’t define that of another. Jessica does well to open the dialogue and to challenge us as humans to think and consider openly…isn’t that the whole point of TEDx anyway?
I’m a little surprised by all the hate that this article has generated – I think this subject has made a LOT of people uncomfortable. A large number of ppl are calling her a quack & maybe she needed some research articles backing up her statistics – many of which she’s quoted ARE accurate, I’ve seen the studies – then maybe ppl would believe her. I think ppl should ask themselves WHY are you so threatened by the idea of “Monogamish”? And think for yourselves and what works for your relationship rather than what anyone else or any 2000 year old book tells you.
What’s that saying… don’t knock it ’til you try it..? 🤷🏽♀️ My husband and I have never heard this term, monogam-ish, yet this is how we’ve practiced our relationship in it’s entirety. We both agree this is the strongest relationship we’ve ever had. The communication is strong; transparent and honest. In turn, there is little to no concerns of jealousy and fights are virtually non-existent. When friends and family ask what our secret is, our explanations often come off as taboo and/or are simply misunderstood. This is my second marriage. Together 16 years. We’ve been happily monogam-ish-ly married for 13 years. We have both been cheated on and have cheated in previous relationships, and neither of us have ever felt the need to wander or stray or even chat with another person in a way that each other would disapprove of, in any way. If one of us has ever got close to feeling or doing anything like that, we talk about it, and we reintroduce an “ish” into our day to day lives. It’s fun and rejuvenating. We feel that one of the most important statements she makes is that there is no one set of rules for everyone. This is how the communication in the relationship grows! Taking little baby steps to find out what works and what doesn’t is of utmost importance! The guidelines you and your partner set, are yours and they’re allowed to change! Over and over and over again 😊 until it’s a perfect agreement between the two (or three or four) of you. We’re glad we stumbled upon this ted talk and look forward to sharing it with certain others, in hopes of offering some clarity – and maybe even helping them strengthen their own marriages/relationships.
I married a woman who was going to law school and i had a dead end job. We knew who was going to be the “bread winner” for six years, and then she made the last two ish years of our marriage hellish, because princess who grew up with daddy paying for everything, didn’t want to be the bread winner any more. Decided i wasn’t pulling my weight, and that was the reason to destroy me in our divorce hearing. I’m destitute, she’s living her best life. She, her family and friends have no problem, thinking she’s a “good” person, she had NO problem destroying my life. For money.
After reading some of the comments, taking a harsh look at what society/religion has imposed, my primary question to all is: What is the order of business to fix the statistical increase in the divorce rate? Give me a practical answer, dont spout your bible at me because it has been followed to the T, even our laws are against adultery. Loyalty isn’t cutting it, therapist are seeing unanswered sexual desires being a root cause and many people are working through previous bouts of infidelity to build their relationship. It seems that perspectives need to changes and ego’s need to be reduced. Help me solve this conundrum.
Lol. It has been 17 years since my last relationship and that was college. I gave up and promised I would never marry, never have kids and never cohabitate. I had college exes that cheated on me call me in the last several years to get back with me. Nooooooo. Went my own way, never looked back. Feel sorry for my brothers who got married.
The idea of swinging or flirting with a third person IRL can be relation ending, no matter how tollerent you pretend to be. The only “good” way is hopping into a chat board anonymously, pretending to not know each other and flirting to the point of falling in love… to everyone else on the chat, it will feel spontaneous but for the couple involved it’s like falling for each other over and over again.
I can appreciate her theories about how to spice up a marriage and lovelife without actually cheating on your spouse, but man that’s a slippery slope. Very few people could go down this “monogam-ish” road and maintain enough self-discipline to not have it end up as an actual affair. If you’re in the marriage doldrums but find a co-worker attractive, the flirting is satisfying…for a while. Then you go out to lunch, which is satisfying…for a while. The next step is the Motel6 for a nooner, guaranteed. The feeling of an oxytocin rush is addictive and constantly requires “upping the ante” to keep it flowing. My advice is if you’re in the marriage doldrums, don’t go down this “monogam-ish” path…I just don’t see any good that can come of it for the vast majority of people (there are always exceptions, of course). But action must be taken immediately…better communication and marriage counseling (secular or religious). If the marriage is irreversibly broken, has become truly toxic and sustained counseling won’t help, divorce FIRST before having an affair. Affairs can never be kept secret forever, and getting a divorce AFTER a prolonged affair has been discovered is a far more traumatic experience for each party, their families and especially their children.
A very wise man once said “Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?” Another very wise man said “But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Rules aren’t there to spoil fun, they’re there to increase it whilst remaining within safety. Think of traffic laws or rules within your favourite sport. The problem is we always want what we have and more and more and more.