The divorce rate in the United States has increased significantly since the 1960s, with a high percentage of first marriages ending in divorce. In 2021, 63.1% of opposite-sex divorces were petitioned by females, while 36.9% were petitioned by males. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests that about 22% of first marriages end within the first five years due to unreasonable behavior. In the EU, an estimated 0.6 million divorces took place in 2022, with the number of divorces decreasing by just under 1,100, or 0.7%, compared with 2020.
The most common age to get married is 25-29 years old, while the most common age to get divorced is 40-49 years old. The median age at divorce has a low rate of increase over time, changing from 41.4 in 2000 to 45.6 in 2020 for men and 38.6 in 2000 to 42.8 in 2020 for women.
In Canada, the average divorce costs $18,000 and takes 3 years, with the minimum amount of time being generally 12 to 18 months. The average length of divorce proceedings in 2020 was 5.8 months, with marriages in Canada lasting on average 15 years. The rate of divorce has decreased the most in Ontario, by 36%.
In Australia, there were 127,161 marriages registered in 2022, the highest number on record, following two years where marriages were affected by the COVID-19 pandemic. The share of marriages that end in divorce increased from the 1960s to the 1990s, with only 1.5% of couples having divorced before their fifth anniversary in 1963.
In conclusion, the divorce rate in the United States has been increasing, with a higher percentage of first marriages ending in separation or divorce within the first five years.
📹 15 REASONS Why 50 Percent of Marriages End in DIVORCE
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Why Russia has high divorce rate?
Russia. Russia has the highest divorce rate in the world. One-third of Russians get divorced because they don’t understand each other. Guam. Divorces are down this year, with a rate of 3.7. Almost half of all marriages end in divorce.
Moldova. The divorce rate has fallen significantly over the year. It now stands at 3.7. Almost half of all marriages end in divorce.
What percentage of first marriages end in divorce?
New data on marriage in the United States show that 43% of first marriages end in divorce within 15 years. May 24, 2001 Contact: CDC, National Center for Health Statistics 458–4800 43% of first marriages end in divorce within 15 years.
What is the divorce rate in Ukraine?
Ukraine: 2.9 per 1,000 Costa Rica: 2.8 per 1,000 Lithuania: 2.8 per 1,000 Dominican Republic: 2.7 per 1,000.
What percentage of UK marriages end in divorce?
In 2012, there were 13 divorces an hour in England and Wales. This was a total of 118,140 divorces. Almost half of these divorces occurred in the first 10 years of marriage. Women were granted 65% of all divorces. There were 9,703 men and 6,026 women aged over 60 who got divorced.One in seven divorces were granted because of adultery. There were 719 divorces (less than 1%) granted because of desertion. The average age at divorce was 45 for men and 42 for women. Most divorces (71%) were for first marriages. Nine percent of couples divorcing had both been divorced before.48% of couples divorcing had at least one child under 16 living with them. Divorces were most likely to occur between the 4th and 8th wedding anniversary. The UK divorce rate shows that about 42% of marriages end in divorce.Many marriages end in divorce. Planning can make things easier. This can be done before or during marriage. The average UK divorce lasts about 12 years. If you’re separating, early legal advice can help you and your kids. The average UK marriage lasts about 12 years.
What is the divorce rate in Germany?
In 2022, about one-third of German marriages ended in divorce. The highest divorce rate was 52% in 2005. Divorce rates have been between 30 and 50 percent since then.
How common is divorce after 30 years of marriage?
Many marriages fail after a few years, and many couples divorce after 30 years. A marriage breakdown after 30 years can be due to things like empty nest syndrome, infidelity, different interests, retirement, or other reasons. Some spouses want their independence. Many older spouses have a midlife crisis and leave a marriage after 30 years. Older spouses have different priorities than younger spouses. Their economic and health situations are different. The rules for dividing property and paying alimony are different for long-married couples than for short-married couples.
Key Factors When Older Spouses Leave a Marriage After 30 Years Divorcing after a long marriage is different than divorcing after a short marriage. Older spouses need to think about:
Is it OK to divorce after 25 years of marriage?
The main things to think about. The most common issues when getting a divorce after 25 years of marriage are children and money. Your kids might not be happy with your decision. They might be very vocal about it. Remember, they’ve only known you two. Be patient and listen to them. Work with your kids and your spouse to come up with a custody and visitation plan that considers their age and needs. It takes time and patience to work out a fair way to separate your finances. Couples in their late 40s or 50s have retirement funds, property, and often have children in college. Younger couples have more time to rebuild.
All assets and debts will be disclosed, including your house, retirement, investments, credit card debts, and loans. California law says that all community assets and debts must be divided equally. It sounds simple, but there’s a lot to consider with your home, investments, and debt. You may need to consult with an attorney to understand your options and create a plan.
What percent of marriages actually last?
Divorce Rates in Second and Third Marriages. The Forbes report says that half of American marriages end in divorce. But this only applies to first marriages. Second and third marriages fail more often. Two-thirds of second marriages and three-quarters of third marriages end in divorce. Who is getting divorced in the U.S.? There are some noticeable patterns in divorce trends from a demographic perspective. The average age for a couple going through a first divorce is 30. Six out of ten divorces involve spouses between 25 and 39. Women are more likely to file for divorce than men. The divorce rate is highest for African-American women aged 50 to 59. Asian women between 25 and 29 are least likely to get divorced.The divorce rate for heterosexual couples is twice that of same-sex couples. The divorce rate for couples 50 and older has doubled over the last two decades. Having a spouse in prison is also a strong indicator of divorce. Nearly all men and women in this situation end up divorcing their spouse.
How long do most marriages last?
Here is how long marriages last by country.
United States: Italy: 18 years; Qatar: less than five years; France: Five years. Marriage Length By Region in the United States. The length of a marriage can also vary by region in the U.S. Wyoming had the highest divorce rate in 2021, at 3.7 per 1,000 people. Massachusetts had the lowest rate at 1.0 per 1,000 people. Cultural norms don’t explain the different divorce rates in different states. It’s more likely that the different population sizes are to blame.
What is the #1 divorce cause?
What causes most divorces? Lack of commitment is the main reason couples get divorced. A 2013 study in Couple and Family Psychology found that 75% of participants said lack of commitment was a major reason for their divorce. In 94% of the couples surveyed, at least one person cited lack of commitment. For some, commitment decreased slowly, while for others it plunged after an event in the marriage. One person said they no longer felt romantic towards their partner, while another said their spouse no longer wanted to work on their marriage. The next most common causes were infidelity and arguing. Common reasons for divorce. From my experience with thousands of people, here are the top reasons couples divorce.
Who initiates divorce more?
Women are more likely to divorce than men in heterosexual marriages. While divorce is hard, women are still the main reason for it. Why do women file for divorce more often than men? This article will look at why women file for divorce more often than men. Who files for divorce more in the U.S.? In the United States, more divorces are filed by women than men.
What country has the highest divorce rate?
The country with the highest divorce rate: The Maldives. The Maldives is known for its tropical beaches and marine life, but not for divorce. The Maldives had the highest divorce rate in the world in 2021 and the highest in history. In 2002, they set a Guinness World Record for the highest divorce rate on record, with 10.97 divorces per 1,000 Maldivians. This was twice as high as the second-highest rate ever recorded. The second highest divorce rate was in Belarus (4.63), and the United States had the third highest (4.34). The UN says that most Maldivian women get divorced by 30. The divorce rate may be explained by the ease of getting divorced and the stigma surrounding premarital sex. The Maldives is a relatively inexpensive place to get married and divorce is simple. This makes people more likely to get married and then divorce if the marriage doesn’t work. The combination of a stigma against premarital sex and the low cost of divorce has led to the highest divorce rate in the world, more than twice as high as that of Australia.
📹 Why most MARRIAGES FAIL: you are not enough people
The divorce rate in the Western world is terrifying. How have we arrived at the point where a marriage is more likely to end in …
Been married 41 years to the same woman. The first 7 years were a nightmare. The last 34 have been sweet. Maybe like slowly saving money for retirement. I guess we invested 7 years of toil in our marriage to reap happiness the rest of your lives. The glue that held us together was our Christian faith. I am what many would call an Alpha male who keeps his zipper up. My wife is a Proverbs 31 woman. She is still my Sweetie.
I grew up in a fairly poor farm town to a lower middle class family… I got an education through the Navy and built a successful career… On that journey, I met my wife, also from a poor farming community. We had 3 kids, I got more successful and that’s when she put on the brakes! She hooked up with a guy who for all intents and purposes was going no where. Walked away from me and the kids. In less than 2 weeks after our divorce, she married him and they’ve been married over 20 years… One time I ask her, “Why would you choose him?” She replied, “Because he shares his dreams with me!” I said, “I shared my dreams!” Her retort… “Yah but then you’d make them come true!” I realize that our incompatibility is she was still a small town girl. She wanted to sit in a bar and talk about life and what could be. The fact I was making things happen was intolerable to her. I don’t hold it against her (well, yah, the cheating), some people don’t want to leave the small life and will fight with everything they have to get back to that sense of safety!
Mental illness can make people get a divorce too. Marriages where someone has bipolar/ borderline personality disorder or schizophrenia tend to be a lot more difficult to maintain because of the disorder/(s), so many people just end up getting divorced due to that. 95% of marriages where someone has bipolar, for example, apparently end up not working out.
I am currently separated and we may be heading to divorce and one of the three major issues was, 1. infidelity which began when I was pregnant and it resulted in the lady calling me a few months before we got married that she was pregnant. 2. his families over-involvement in our marriage heavily influencing our home decisions. 3. Money issues I ended up paying most of the bills or getting financial aid from my family.
1. NO intimacy of any kind (No dates, no 1-1 time, no xx for years) 2. Dad is always working and not home like mom 3. Separate beds and Separate sleep schedules 4. Kids are always #1 and always come first (No time for spouse) 5. Never being thought of for the small things (Never doing laundry for the other when you have the time, Never having a plate or leftovers ready even sitting in the fridge) 6. Always making plans without asking spouse about joining 7. Always too busy to talk about the day I think this is very lonely
ny husband said my mom (88 years old) couldn’t come and stay with us. When I went back to our home state to check on her and try and get things in order for her, he sent me divorce papers stating irretrievably broken as the reason. I didn’t even know he was thinking about a divorce. I took care of his grandmother after he moved her in with us and I was in my 20’s!!! That was in the early 90’s.
I don’t think the romantic type of love is special. And I am started to think that the romantic type of love isn’t real. I mean about more than half of romantic couples either break up with each other or divorce each other, while most platonic best friends remain friends until death.\r \r I think that having a platonic best friend is a lot better than having a romantic partner or spouse is. Having someone who’s like a sibling to you is a lot better than having a romantic partner is. Also, you would more likely be much closer to a person who’s like a brother or sister to you than you would be with a partner or spouse.\r \r People tend to fight with their partner or spouse a lot more than they do with a platonic best friend, and you never fight with your best friend the way you fight with your partner or spouse. Partners and spouses are just temporary. If you break up or divorce them, it’s hard to go back to them. With your platonic best friend, you’re going to make things work, because they are your best friend, they are your go to partner. It’s always easier to make amends with them than it is with a romantic partner or spouse.
They are : Infidelity. Extra-marital affairs are responsible for the breakdown of most marriages that end in divorce. …\r Money. Money makes people funny, or so the saying goes, and it’s true. …\r Lack of communication. …\r Constant arguing. …\r Weight gain. …\r Unrealistic expectations. …\r Lack of intimacy. …\r Lack of equality.
1. Gender Equality 0:50 2. Money, Sex, Status, Biological Clock 1:18 3. Your partner is a mama’s boy 2:25 4. Couples stop trying 3:09 5. Mo Money, Big Problems 3:58 6. True colors are revealed when the doors are closed 4:53 7. You’ve lost your own identity 5:50 8. Have a baby / don’t have a baby 6:24 9. Your life goals are not in sync 7:08 10. Your definition of happiness is completely different 7:53 11. You think marriage is a band-aid for a broken relationship 8:47 12. “Grey Divorce” is on the rise 9:44 13. Finger pointing, the blame game, and taking zero responsibility 10:27 14. Communication is dead 11:03 15. Voting the wrong presidential candidate 11:47 youtube.com/watch?v=MXp9amsiMyY
My aunt’s 23 years of marriage came to a painful end coz my uncle was abusive and always tortured her like hell moreover he was too conservative in his thoughts and actions,even the kids weren’t spared. She remarried in her forties two years ago and she has found the peace and happiness she truly deserved,thanks to my two cousins who have supported their mum and gave her the permission to remarry,it surely wouldn’t have been possible without them 💞
Thank god I wasn’t born in liberal or moderate society or else I would have end up in orphanage….. Only conservatives and traditional people had successful marriage life, and I’m born from conservative family and now I’m well settled thanks to my greatest parents in the world who brought me up and they’re still happy together. Even my grand parents still exist.
I just turned 39 this year, not married and don’t have kids. I’m happy because I get to do what I want. Come and go as I please. I have friends who are not happy in their marriages. At times, they hate coming home. Why spend so much money on a wedding just to throw away the marriage later. A waste of time for both and money.
FOR MARRIED PEOPLE: The feeling that you get in an affair can NEVER be love. Love comes from God, the same God who designed marriage and commanded us to honor it. I truly believe that God will not contradict Himself and put love in your heart for someone else other than your spouse. The feeling you have for the other person can be LUST, INFATUATION, OBSESSION, A SOURCE OF VALIDATION, AN EGO BOOSTER, A FORM OF ESCAPE or any other feeling that satan will USE to destroy your marriage (and push you to commit a SIN by breaking the VOW that you made before God). The devil will make you believe that what you feel for this other person is love when in fact it really ISN’T. That’s what satan does. That’s the reason he’s called a LIAR and a DESTROYER. INFIDELITY has a very destructive impact on people, and can be PASSED DOWN from generation to generation like a CURSE. The devil has VIOLATED so many marriages; has TORN so many families apart; has RUINED so many lives. Don’t let that monster proudly look at your OWN FAMILY and boast that he has successfully DESTROYED it too. “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13:6)
The highest the divorce rate has ever been in American history is 34%. Edit: The entire article as a whole is good. I do want to point out, the number 1 reason couples get divorced: Hygiene issues. A close second is Money issues. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist that primarily works with couples and run into issues surrounding divorce quite often.
I respect people who get married. I understand that it does work for some. What I don’t understand is why we single people still get bashed for not getting married! Let us live our lives and respect our decisions! It shouldn’t be looked down upon to be single because no one should be pressured into getting married. That is probably why there is so much divorces!
Being single is a damn lifesaver. Especially nowadays, with folks acting more like narcissist pricks. One of my friends is in the midst of a divorce, claims her husband has done some crazy shit to her yet he blames it on mental illness. Thank goodness they have 0 children, it’s worse when a child(ren) are involved.
I’ve never been married but #9 was the reason why my fiancee and I split up. It was identical to what you describe even down to the part of the camper. He was the one who wanted to live in a camper (it seemed eerily similar to what you described 😂) and I was the one who wanted to advance in my profession. That’s the day I actually realized it wasn’t going to work. 😐
Right now I’m 18, barely starting my life, I know, but during high school many girls liked me and I liked them back, but none of them ever made feel enough to take a chance with them, but all the time there was another girl, she liked me from the moment she first saw me but I didn’t, she was my best friend for 2 years, them my special person, and finally my girlfriend, right now we have 1 and half year dating and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about marrying her from the moment we started, I know am too young, but I think I’m one of those lucky ones, and some day, I will make my wife, and the best part? She already knows it, and has made really clear she’s in, for life <3
I’m about to divorce my wife. The number 1 reason is lack of trust. At least twice per month she is hanging out with her friends until 2 am. Her friends by the way are all divorced or single women. Nothing against them but if she likes her company she may also like their way of thinking and lifestyle. I have also known that she doesn’t care much about me but when she prefers friends over me I knew I was just wasting my time. I wasted 15 years of my life with this person.
After being married for 13 years, I’ve gotta say pick someone you actually want to grow old with and that they are equally ready to grow old with. Open communication about what you want before you get that conversation of marriage going on. Living with someone before marriage is hard to set life on. That is absolutely stupid that you would divorce because of who your spouse actually voted for.
When you find a partner, be sure to : -Know his/her life goal. -Know how he/she define happiness. -Know his/her flaws and and the compromises to deal with in the future. -Consider the lifestyle. -Know how mature he/she is in understanding that marriage isnt just about loving. -Like him/her without paying attention to physical attractiveness. -Know whether he/she want a child. -Be honest and open to him/her. Dont pretend to be nicer. The less both sides pretend, the sooner both sides get to know each other. -Know why you want to get married and understand that marriage isnt just about the happy things. -Understand that marriage is a teamwork from both sides. -Analyze his/her ego. -Not to rush the relationship. Take your time to decide. -Spend enough time to get to know with each other before getting married. -Communicate well.
Too many “individuals” who fail to understand the inverse proportion of how different you think you are Vs how different you really are. Too many people who do not have the life experience to understand their own behavioural patterns. Too many people who value hedonism over loyalty. Too much greed. Too much obesity. Not enough trust, honesty and respect between spouses. Too much haste in jumping into marriage. Not enough honesty in the pre-marriage stage of the relationship. Too many people eager to place blame rather than take responsibility. Too many spineless people who have had lives so comfortable they are useless at dealing with adversity. ….to name a few.
One of the main targets of recent vision of Saudi where I live, is to enforce women in work and leadership. Which created an imbalance between gender leading more women to ask for divorce once they taste the cash. Dude it was already missed up a while ago before all these happen but now it’s skyrocketing. Btw I just love your website I feel happy whenever I watch, such a relief. I wish you all success. ⚘
If someone divorces you over a disagreement about politics – it is proof that they value their political opinions over your relationship. Who wants a partner like that anyway? I found it interesting that the example given was initiating a divorce when someone found out their spouse voted for the current US President. Isn’t it interesting that the people who preach love, tolerance and diversity the loudest, usually practice what they preach the least?
There is no point in getting married these days. Especially in 2020. I am only 23 years old, and have no interest in marriage. The average person these days is married at 30, but i am below 30, and decided not to ever marry anyone. I don’t want to be married to anybody my whole entire life. There is no point for me to be married. Weddings these days are meaningless, expesnive, and with such a high divorce rate, its not worth it. Marriage does not have any benefits in modern society either, besides being a status symbol and an identity.. That’s pretty much it. It does not have any other meaning besides those two things.
Divorce rate in America is about 59%, that is over half! Another thing is sadly divorced people carry a stigma. Divorced people are treated as though they are defective. Think long and really analyze your life before jumping into marriage…too many people rush and then have to deal with the after math that follows them after. You can be with someone without rushing into marriage.
Wrong! The 50% divorce rate is not correct, but widely held. It was expected to reach 50% if the trends of the 1970s continued, but they did not. It’s closer to 8%. Just search “50% divorce rate fallacy “. “In 2019, divorce rates reached the lowest rates we’ve seen in 50 years. For every 1,000 marriages in 2019, only 7.6 resulted in divorce, according to the American Community Survey data from the Census Bureau.
I’ve never been married so I’m giving my opinion from the sidelines. Try to go to church and see a Christian pastor before you divorce. Let that pastor tell you about the laws of God concerning marriage and let Jesus Christ heal your broken home. Divorced women face poverty and divorced men face depression so think twice.
What do you mean 50%? It’s *100%*. If there’s no marriage, there’s no divorce. Simple. Besides, nowadays, when you marry, you’re not merely marrying your significant other but the government as well. You will lose half —if not all —of your assets and you will still end up paying up just to maintain the lifestyle of your ex-wife who filed for the divorce in the first place.
Don’t marry with negative excuses. Marriage is hardwork and Full Responsibility. Money Savings & Frugal (Join Wealth) for Sustainable Pension Plan, Family Responsibility, Love, Caring, Filial & Loyals, Sharing Household, Humble, Moral, Manners, Humble & Respect, Life Skills (Great Cook & Delicious Meals at home) both spouse should have and share responsibility, one cook & one rotate cleans the dishes.
This is sad but very true. This website is for future billionaires ….and we need to be reminded/warned that who we marry directly impacts our financial status. From Jeff Bezos to Dr. Dre we’re seeing it played out everyday. Unfortunately I believe that Kim and Kanye will be next to go down this road.
Bcz people prefer love marriage so they marry with those who they had already loved before marriage b it physical or psychological so with the passage of time there love fades while country like India people prefer arrange marriage and after marry there love Starts slowly so there will b less chances of divorce because it takes to much time to know each other and they will adjust accordingly that’s why divorce %in india is so low..👀
Divorce is not treated the same in every state neither are custody disputes when my social security number is being misused since 1997 and my ex wife knew who was misusing my identity. Child support is not handled the save in every state. People who got unemployment in my name and still worked since 2019 put their companies under investigation and I hope the companies they work for now are aware of these tactics.
Haha I made my comment before perusal the first 5 minutes and lo, I seem to have predicted loads of the reasons and I’ve never been married! I just see marriages going wrong all the time and it’s put me off. I’ve already had children and am happy to find a new twenty something / 30 something / 50 something as long as they’re 20 years younger, it seems to work really well for 5 years or so. Then you end it and start again! God, I’m horrible.
Look on indian culture,we live with our parents even after getting married,children will grow getting both love and advice from seniors and parents as well,even if some misunderstandings happen between couples,senior family members will solve that,hence divorce is avoided,also divorce is really heartbreaking for kids,atleast for kids sake couples should give up divorce plan,Americans and western prople follow this method definitely it will improve your life
A lot of marriages could potentially be salvaged if everyone understood that love is a verb. Also can we stop with the “I will do everything to make you happy” trope? Hell to the effing no! None of us are responsible for anyone else’s happiness. The sooner we put that trope to its very deserved death the better off a lot of marriages will be. Edit: syntax
Horrible advice! Never put a woman before your mother. Generally speaking, your mother is the only female in the world that will love you unconditionally regardless of what you do. Your girlfriend or wife, may love you today but depending on how the wind blows, she may change her mind tomorrow. This leads to cheating, break up or divorce. Shout out to Dr Dre.
Marriage role model should be like Adam & Eve. You built for each other. Like a true companion. But what I see today, couples are more worried about social media status. What society thinks of them. The love is not there . Only about personal gains. Men thinks about sex, woman thinks about what can I get from him . But zero passion about true love that’s the saddest part. I am right, you are wrong mentality; is also a huge cause. Over expectations, too many options sends marriages in the funerals .
In India divorce rate is less than 1% and I find it quite amazing that our culture and tradition itself teaches us the true sense of love and relationship. It is our culture that binds us together always no matter what the circumstances be. You may think of India as poor or backward country but I bet you will never be able to match the spirituality and the rich cultural heritage that’s inside us. Do come to India to explore our culture! You will be amazed ❤️
it’s sad that women are divorcing men over ego. In the short term you;ll feel good but the dating scene is rigged against you. the more time you spend on your career the less you have for dating and relationship maintenance. it’s a lesson men learn who divorced for that reason. It’s better to help your partner improve or see their progress not in a business light. BTW Men it’s nothing wrong with being a househusband. Here’s an opportunity to become that guy out of the romance novels.
My parents ARE all things to each other and it’s friggin weird. They tell each other everything, support and confide in each other in every way possible, and still look at each other like teenagers with lovey dovey eyes even after 41 years of marriage. As I grew up and became an adult myself, I realized just how shockingly rare this type of total compatibility is between spouses, and that my folks are the exception, not the rule, for what a marriage looks like.
Most people do not have the mental stability, calmness and patience for the monotony and stability of a traditional 50 year marriage. If you’re someone who needs drama, chaos, excitement, thrills, spills, etc hook up culture is probably a better option. People need to figure out their psychology and then choose marriage or hook ups.
Experienced divorce attorney here. I approve of this article. Most people have no idea what their rights and responsibilities are under the law when they get married. Nearly all people have no idea how difficult, stressful, and expensive a divorce can be. I suggest that you focus on becoming the very best version of yourself. Do the things that bring you joy. Level up in all areas of your life. You can still have terrific intimate relationships and even have children without bringing state law into your life in the event the marriage becomes non-functioning and someone files for divorce.
Here here! As a single, divorced woman I decided to remain single and celibate 33 years ago after a 9 year marriage. By nurturing strong links with extended family, friends, neighbours and coworkers (the last until retirement), most of my relational needs are met, to be honest, better than they ever were when I was married. Marriage prompts you to turn inwards unrealistically expecting your partner to meet all your needs and fantasies. Ridiculous. Life has been so much better for me with a wider range of different connections.
I’m a 56 year-old male divorced and I live in the midwest I listen to many of your talks now I’m not a therapist never been a therapist but I tell you my experience is exactly what you say it about 99% of your articles. Especially the interactions with women. I love listening to your articles man keep up the good work good advice for young guys for sure
Another banger of a article. My ex wife came to this realization a bit too late after divorce. There’s no animosity but she admitted to looking at me to ‘make her happy’ Once she showed compassion and accountability for ending it, we began to rebuild our co-parenting relationship. A unicorn scenario for sure as we are good friends now.
Marriage starts off with love, just and passion. It then quickly reverts to the practical realities of life. One or both partners then are disappointed that the fantasy is over and blame their partner. They also falsely think they can recapture that original feeling with someone else. But reality always intervenes. It takes enormous maturity to be happily married.
I am so thankful to hear this stated in such a clear and concise manner. This is exactly the way I felt after my children were born. I visualize my day as a pie chart. It was challenging enough to think I had to try to keep my wife happy when we were childless. We had fun together and mostly got along. Once the children were here, I realized that there is a zero sum game. I literally take time after work to spend time individually with each child one-on-one. Previously my life was split between work, wife, working out/leisure/hobbies/education, and home stuff. If there are 24 hours then at least 10 are work and commuting. 8 hours are sleeping. At least 3 hours are home stuff (cooking, shopping, cleaning, fixing things, paperwork). That leaves 3 hours for the wife (including sex when it happens). But, that 3 hours with the wife can’t be like a date between single people. Plus with the children it becomes more like half an hour. I have to spread out my anecdotes so I don’t repeat my material. It’s harder to pull off spontaneity when most of your life requires consistency and dependability. I liken it to how it’s more difficult to plan a surprise party in your home for the person that shares your home and bed. And to me that’s how I feel when my wife feels like I’m not meeting her needs for attention. She feels like she takes a back seat to all the other things. Yet I wouldn’t have her without all the other things: work, home stuff, leisure (so I’m not boring and feel happy) and sleep (so I’m able to perform at anything).
I remember reading a study about the number 1 factor in a successful long marriage is companionship. I remember a time in my life when I had multiple, good friendships. Each one of those friends fulfilled a different need of mine — intellectual conversation, humor, shared hobbies, partiers, professional, etc. Then I had my romantic relationship which fulfilled my sexual desire and a fundamental/general friendship at the same time. It starts to make more sense that marriages that last also have shared backgrounds and values because when you have that, so much of it is already in auto-pilot.
Preaching to a brick wall at this point. I have a sister and female cousins, and from my observations of them and the sisterhood, they will put it through one ear, take it out of the other and continue with their reckless lifestyles lol It’s good as done gentlemen. Be prepared to watch this all burn to the ground.
I came to this realization quite some time ago, but I’ve found it challenging to help others grasp and find solace in the same idea. It’s simply unreasonable to assume one person can be all things to another. In my view, the potential for a fulfilling marriage significantly increases when we free it from the burden of unrealistic expectations. Maintaining our friendships, cherishing our family relationships, and pursuing our passions should not be abandoned; doing so, in fact, could enhance our chances of cultivating a successful marriage. Excellent article!
Most marriages fail because people were not mature/experienced enough or not compatible enough to maintain a relationship for that long. Then there’s also getting together for the wrong reasons (horny, the other person served a purpose/satisfied a need at the time, etc). Self-awareness is something seriously lacking in today’s world, yet it’s necessary for so many things. That’s why the social climate is the way it is.
In my marriage of ten years (which included three children), one of the biggest mistakes we made could be summarized by a song we really liked when we were dating in 2005. This is from Snow Patrol’s wildly popular hit Chasing Cars We’ll do it all Everything On our own We don’t need Anything Or anyone If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me And just forget the world? We had a difficult time developing couples friends, we moved to a couple of different states for various reasons, and eventually we tried to find everything in the other person. I learned later that this is like both of you being under the covers and breathing each other’s oxygen. The truth is, we weren’t ever meant to be everything to each other. That was a false ideal that a good marriage is when your partner is your “everything.” For many other reasons, this marriage failed. I had plenty to do with it, but one of them was not finding a healthy social network outside of ourselves and outside the internet. We turned to some very toxic subcultures like the swinging/poly subcultures that just wreaked havoc through any of the good pillars our marriage actually had. I remember giving my (at the time) wife the day off to go do whatever she’d like while I stayed home and took care of the kids. I gave her this every Wednesday (which I always had off) so that I could give the kids my undivided attention, and she could get some fresh air and meet people and develop hobbies. After two or three of these Wednesdays, she eventually called me less than an hour after leaving, crying, and saying, “I don’t know what to do!
I’m grateful to have realized a great deal of truth, especially around marriage and relationships at a relatively young age. Marriage is so easy to get tempted by when you are young and full of hormones, perusal Hollywood fantasies of what happiness and the good life is. In reality, relationships can be pretty good if you are with the right one, marriage and children requires you to consider deeply and knowing yourself completely.
Good talk. When I was vetting my now wife, I asked her what was her expectations towards her marriage partner, what priority does she place family and children, and what were her goals for marriage. Her terms and expectations were reasonable so she eventually became my wife. We’ve been married 23 years now and our oldest is headed off to college on scholarship.
This reminds me of the (somewhat connected) saying: “children are expensive”. To which the reality is that children are as expensive as you make them. Kids are actually happy with relatively little. We’ve made marriage about something it’s not and never was supposed to be. And by “we”, obviously in essence that means women. Men are fairly content with relatively little. Women complicate things terribly by constantly needing more. They refuse to see that though, so it’s insoluble.
I’ve been perusal your articles just about every day for a month now and I’m still blown away at just how rational you get when it comes to common topics that cause so many people such frustration and confusion. I’ve had some of these thoughts about marriage but never put them into words like this. I wanna send this to all my married friends lol
I thought modern marriages fails because women now have the ability to out earn their spouse & have access to men globally vs locally via the internet, which both feed into their hypergamous nature. Also, both the act of getting married and getting dovorced usually heavily favors the woman in most cases. I could be wrong though
The comparison between work and marriage kind of makes sense. People will often refer to marriage as a sort of “job” or something that you have to “work at”. And yes, I totally agree that unrealistic expectations are what ruin relationships. People come together over things they see eye to eye on and break up over things they do not.
I love your no bullshit approach to the topics you speak about. It gets right to the point. The oart about work really hit home. My older sister has been living with me for almost a year now. She quit her teaching job because it became too much during covid. She’s still here because shes been applying for jobs, but she hasn’t been hired yet because she’s been applying for jobs way outside her field of expertise. She’s been trying to find the perfect job. A dream job. One where she loves it, makes a shit ton of money, and can also work form home of she wants. So of course she’s been shot down over and over. I finally had to talk about this. You don’t have to love your job. It would be awesome, but it’s a nothing but a dream for the vast majority of people. Find a job you can stand that takes care of you and just go with it. Find your happiness outside of work. She had a job less than two weeks later.
I completely agree. I’ve been married once, and engaged twice. The problem with having one special person, is that we expect far too much from that one person. I’m able to give all the love, and more, but I expect the same in return. I haven’t been able to find that in one person, yet. Thanks Orion x
I would simplify marriage one step more, it needs to be an annually renewable license (so any public benefits can be made available) for raising a child or children, and nothing more. If the license expires (i.e. either party decides not to renew, or forgets, or dies), the exit clause on how to raise a child, or children, separately, goes into effect, automatically. Lawyers would absolutely hate this, as it would destroy their divorce business, since all divorces, would be automatic and all asset division preordained.
Orion, I’m really glad you addressed this topic. I know a girl (5yo) who is going with my daughter to kindergarten and she constantly mentions that her parents are separated etc… It’s heartbreaking. Her parents got divorced this year. When you look at their lives it’s obvious that they have a VERY unrealistic picture of what marriage is. They speak 3 languages among themselves, lived in two countries and have different work schedules. Nobody can live like that without things start breaking apart. Women (mom) complains that her husband is not interesting anymore etc… People expect that marriage is somehow magically going to replace an obvious need for sacrifice. Sometimes, you need to skip a promotion or work harder or do things you don’t like for a considerably amount of time, in order to keep family together. Sometimes you need to go through boredom and feel bad. The world doesn’t revolve around your “happiness”. What happens is that this child is obviously already disadvantaged (constant complianing that mom and dad are not together anymore) but they are also creating a new generation of broken people.
I really love how Orion doesn’t delay the points, themes and messages in his articles until the final sections like so many other cheap Youtubers do. I’m not saying that you should never delay the message until the end or always use one kind of format but so many don’t have interesting things to back up their content with so their biggest trick is to try and keep people hooked so they don’t tune out, and that is pretty cheap. Orion lays out the points clearly in the article descriptions and in the articles themselves and offers insightful commentary and truths that we all should pay more heed to if we want to grow as people, men and women alike.
Thank you for your exceptionally valuable articles. I find the analysis of the marriage much due. We tend to think that we know everything about our current institutions just because they were already in place when we were born. Few people take time to look into what we take for granted and into how seemingly immutable social structures evolve over time.
So glad I discovered your website. I’ve been familiar with “Red Pill” content for nearly 20 years but you are taking the subject of intersexual dynamics into new territory with uniquely insightful analysis and conceptual frameworks. I’ve been binge perusal your vids the last 2 weeks and learned much
I’m 39, and basically just stopped dating at this point. Women that I’ve tried dating either want to run off and get married, like tomorrow, or they don’t want a monogamous relationship at all. I want a monogamous relationship, no marriage, and no cohabitation. I just want a girlfriend for companionship, sex, someone to hang out with. Women either want one extreme or the other. I don’t understand their obsession with marriage and living together. I like living alone, theres no person on this planet that I want to be around every single day. Not to mention, living together just makes most couples hate each other eventually. You can’t miss someone who’s hanging on your back every second of the day. And when I try to explain this to women (in a tactful way) then they act like there’s something wrong with being in a relationship with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship with someone. I don’t understand what’s so wrong with that. And I would much rather just be single forever than ever get married. There is absolutely zero incentive me to get married. And since I’m not trying to have kidsz, then there’s no reason to.
At 29, I was ready to give up looking. Then, suddenly, in a mixed social group, my perfect match walked into the room. I wanted to be just good friends, but it wasn’t to be. We have now been uneventfully married for over 50 years with 3 daughters. For all of them, it was love at first sight, just like us. One started as a blind date! At the wedding, the couple who set it up said they would “quit while they were ahead.” My most remarkable story is of a man happily married to a bystander who came to hear him play at a gig. The moral is: never give up hope; one never knows!
And what about marriages that succeed ? Are they living the dream life, the ideal partnership ? Where the spouse provided everything ? I have never ever heard of this opinion or viewpoint on the internet. This website is a gold mine that keeps on giving. Thank you so much. Makes me think history is so interesting and important.
I’m 53. I see that younger people are the type that will be with you until something better comes along. I met my husband at 14, we started dating, got engaged at 16, married at 19. He’s 2 years older than I am. We just celebrated another anniversary. Yes. He’s a keeper. I never went into it thinking that he would “do” til someone else came along. Wasn’t raised that way. I also think a marriage based in faith and worship of God makes it that much stronger. You can see that people who don’t have faith of any kind, struggle. My mind and heart are free.
Marriages are definitely an earthly institution. I know I didn’t marry for love! Neither did my parents. We fell pregnant and decided to get married. why? The purpose of stability and foundation of raising a child. That’s not to say we don’t care about each other, if anything we do out of necessity bc we belong to each other. The whole idea that marriage is forever is a fairytale. Nothing is forever, just like life! Learned this from my parents and grandparents. You get married only if you are interested in having and raising children.
MARRIED 18 YEARS – Never wanted children. Both of us make similar salaries. Zero fighting about money. Has worked out great so far. We love spending time with each other at the end of the day. People always tell us, they wish they had our marriage. Explains why friends and family want to come over to relax and hang out.
I was married for over twenty years, was replaced and divorced, that was a decade ago now. What your message missed totally was the fact that marriage is routine, married life is routines, some people just don’t have the dedication and strength to sustain the life of a partner and parent, and look for excitement elsewhere. The first two years of any relationship are the best and the worst, ley me elaborate on that statement. You’re both young healthy and energetic, learning about each other and liking what you’re seeing more everyday. So you decide to get married, then the first child arrives, that baby is the centre of attention and rightly so, your world revolves around that child, the child has its needs and your needs take second place to the child’s, then baby number two arrives and so on. All of the you time
Hey Doc. I so resonate with what u say. Every single second of your article I found myself nodding my virtual head in agreement and drawing parallels with the similar state of confusion in the field of school education ( which happens to be my core profession). We need to detangle what marriage has become in the modern world and tease out what it’s core should be and stick with that. In extrapolating expectations which are sexual, social, financial, emotional, religious etc we have lost the actual plot.
Love it, so eloquent and essentialisticly put. I would raise a counter point to this however, but I also don’t want to come off as not appreciating the article and its value. And that is that before we are married nowadays, we’re stripped of the extended family already. People have learned to get by on their own to a greater extent. In this context, a relationship that leads to marriage will still lead to the partners getting “more people” in their lives than they’ve previously had. It would improve their lives, maybe just not to the extent they might hope for
Dr. Taraban, honestly, you are the voice that we missed all those years even if there were plenty of good speakers (I think of Rollo Tomassi to name one). An academically trained man characterised by honesty who goes straight to the actual issue. What you just described has been the actual cause of the demise of my marriage and almost all of the dissolved marriages I am aware of in my social entourage. We can never be “enough people”. It is sad that the vast majority of people entering in marriage are not aware of this fundamental truth.
I completely agree that our modern expectations place too much pressure on marriage. I see that pattern play out in my failed marriage. The grand challenge I see though is how a society would steer itself in a different direction? The answer can’t be “everyone just needs to think differently!” What are the structural social habits that would need to be developed so that these relationships served their function and were healthy?
I like the stability, the safe intimacy, and the pooling of resources it offers. Its not like any friend will do for you what a husband or wife will. Its not like any stranger with benefits will feel any modicum of responsability for offering you company/help if you got in an accident, or if one of your parents died. I like that it weeds out comitmentphobes. And they should be your friend. Who said best buds? Good friend is enough.
Excellent, excellent commentary! The critical thinking and the examples drawn together to explain your statements are on point. I agree marriage should be fundamentally simplistic and not conflated beyond its capacity. This is my first time hearing an explanation like this and it was great 👍🏾 What I have always thought the institution of marriage should be and was never able to articulate is summarized in this article. I do want to study this article more because I need to understand the love dynamics. I’m thinking love and attraction is very thing that binds and leads to marriage. Again great article!!👍🏾
I know a little bit about Christian marriage. As an Orthodox Christian, clergy are allowed to be married, so it’s a different story for us as opposed to Roman Catholics. In the early church, marriage wasn’t deemed to be a priority because it was believed that the second coming was right around the corner. It was actually pushed for by the laity and eventually instituted by Pope Gregory (the bishopric of Rome was still Orthodox at this point). Marriage is recommended by St Paul as a second best to celibate monasticism. Christian marriage is supposed to emulate monasticism, in that you would show complete obedience to your spouse the same was a monk would to his abbot, and through complete service to another you would progress along the path to thesis (or deificiation). Of course, stability for building a family is also vital for Christian marriage. However, if marriage doesn’t include a religious observance, I believe the foundation will be built on sand. It’s too easy to walk out if you haven’t made a promise to your spouse and God to stick it out in service of a spiritual ideal.
Now that I’ve thrown in my two cents (see below), I am shocked and amazed at your blunt candor. Whenever the subject of my doing therapy comes up with my friends, they all say they would approach clients the way you just laid it out. Of course you can’t really do it that way in a therapy session. But someone out there needs to boldly declare the truth about marriage. WOW. Awesome.
Wonderful website! I’m very pleased with your outline on this subject matter 😀! I was married at 19yrs old. 4 sons by 26yrs. Lost 2 children to death. By 35yrs …. Now I’m 62. I’m away from a organization that brainwashed me. I’m looking forward to more enlightening subjects! Best Regards Bonnie Ohio
It’s nice to find a job that you enjoy without a toxic work environment. It’s also nice to be able to trust your spouse and like each other. Humility is super important. I’m agreeing with that. I’m not super happy with my marriage because my husband doesn’t fulfill either of my top two languages of love. However after 42 years I’m not leaving to be alone. Marriage should be more than just a job, but sometimes ( many times in my marriage) you just have to suffer if you or your spouse make life impossible. The best advice I have for marriage is to be selfless and learn to compromise, but at the same time don’t let your spouse take complete advantage of you. He needs to be doing the same.
We all get bored with each other. I’ve been with my husband for 20 years. We don’t have kids. We both chose to not have them because life was hard enough. I will say each season brings out a different part of what we mean to each other. We both grow and change. With that said, we both love and hate each other deeply. I wouldn’t expect anything more or less. He’s my best friend and yet he is my enemy because he knows what hurts me. I think he reciprocates that perfectly. I don’t want anyone else. Maybe just sometimes I fantasize about it. Let’s face it, it’s the devil you know who is the best bet. 😂❤ 😈
Very insightful way of looking at things – one of your best articles. You flipped the script and attacked the root cause. I’ve known for years that the belief of romantic part of being married is a load of… you know what. But you dug deeper. My ex wife divorced me because: “we were not in love any more, so what’s the point?”
Marriage is a failed institution and this is the core issue — sorry/not sorry. Marriages “fail” because the premise is beyond faulty. We don’t use flint tools or horse drawn carts anymore, so … ?? Repeating the same experiment and expecting different results is insane. We know this logically, but we make excuses and go along with the status quo because that’s what people do over and over. Relationship contracts for the purpose of reproducing and dividing property when partners part ways might be a fun idea, but it’s not romantic — another case of faulty cultural artifacts tripping us up and preventing us from living a real, authentic life.
Marriage was always an economic necessity for most working people until recent decades; it was difficult to both make a living and raise children and maintain a household for any individual. Nowadays, this is much less the case, what with both modern conveniences, greater working opportunities and modern lifestyles. The economic case for marriage has changed. Those new working opportunities also mean that opposite sexes meet each other in far, far greater numbers than ever before, and in an environment entirely hidden from spouses. Until recent decades, most people would not have had the chance to encounter so many other options in such a way. Furthermore, welfare means that single parents can raise children wedded to the state, in effect, with tax payers as compulsory benefactors and lifestyle funders. Legislation continues apace, with no fault divorce now on the statute books. All of this is quite recent; but a bloke would need his head examined to marry now.
I feel one thing is being overlooked… people can meet more people, outside of their town now. Back in the olden days, you really had to make do. Today, leave aside fulfillment and love and all that — if I have a marriage, or a job, that is a bad deal in which I’m being taken advantage of, and it’s not as hard for me as it was for previous generations to find a better arrangement, shouldn’t I do so?
I believe that I understand your point. But as a Bible scholar I must correct a couple of things…..neither Judaism nor Christianity are found in the Bible. Abraham nor Jesus never founded or created any religious institution. The first Bible marriage was Adam and Eve. It involved them recognizing each other’s roles. Adam as protector and provider, Eve as Adams help in creating a family (children as you alluded). But I love this article and content……well done. Thanks
I’m not married yet but I already dread the notion of being alone with a woman in a house with a yard where you may never even encounter your neighbours. I’ve assuaged this with the thought that if I’m in a complex of terraced houses my “wife” might have neighbors to tank some of her 20,000 words per day & if she works until lunch time while the kids are at school she can still pay full attention to the kids and have an occupation although it’s not for the income.