Infidelity is a common issue in romantic relationships, with close to 25% of marriages remaining intact after an affair. Research by the American Psychological Association found that 53% of couples who experienced infidelity were still married. Strong relationships that were strong prior to the affair recover more fully after infidelity. Married couples stay together at a higher percentage than unmarried couples, and couples with children are more likely to stay together.
A study polled 441 people who admitted to cheating while in a committed relationship, and found that more than half (54.5%) of couples remained together and attempted reconciliation. The reasons for sticking together were not always due to love but of uncertainty. With couples therapy, between 60-75% of marriages can survive, but the percentage is lower without assistance.
Attachment therapy can help repair broken trust between partners. While most couples don’t recover when one cheats, those that do can emerge. Acts of kindness by the non-straying partner can also be a reason couples choose to stay together.
In summary, many relationships are worth saving despite infidelity, but the restoration of trust is paramount. It is important to set boundaries and ensure that partners are 100% in alignment. Infidelity is a common issue, and it is crucial to address the reasons for staying together and repairing broken trust.
📹 Percentage of Couples Who Stay Together After Cheating
PERCENTAGE OF COUPLES WHO STAY TOGETHER AFTER CHEATING In this video, you will discover the percentage of …
How likely is divorce after cheating?
Many couples experience heartbreak when their spouse cheats. Infidelity can ruin relationships and hurt people. Let’s look at some statistics about divorce after infidelity. About 20-40% of divorces are due to infidelity. 46% of people believe that infidelity should always lead to divorce. About 30-60% of married people cheat on their spouses. Women who are financially dependent on their husbands are 50% more likely to cheat than women who work. Infidelity is one of the top 10 reasons for divorce, accounting for 11%. The rate of infidelity among married women has increased by 40%. 74% of men say they would cheat if they would never get caught. People with college degrees are 10% less likely to cheat on their spouses. Also, 45% of affairs are emotional, 36% are with coworkers, and 22% of men and 14% of women admit to having sex outside of marriage while still married. Furthermore, it affects one out of every two couples. Ten percent of these begin online and turn into real-life affairs, while 35 percent feel guilty about it. Also, tall men are 6-10% more likely than shorter ones, and 14-19% attend work conferences. 46% think infidelity always leads to divorce. This shows what people think about infidelity and divorce. It’s important to know this when talking about divorce after infidelity. It shows what the public thinks, and can help us talk about the subject. About 30-60% of married individuals will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage. This shows how common infidelity is in marriages. It should make people think twice before getting married. It shows the importance of open communication and trust in a relationship. Infidelity is not uncommon, but it can be devastating.
Divorce After Infidelity Statistics. Women who depend on their husbands financially are more likely to cheat than women who work.
Do cheaters eventually regret?
Many cheaters feel guilty and ashamed of what they’ve done. But how much remorse people feel varies. Some don’t feel guilty until they face the consequences. Cheaters feel emotional pain from guilt, fear of discovery, and maintaining a deceitful double life. This makes it hard for them to live. Karma says that actions have consequences. Not everyone believes in karma, but cheaters often face consequences. Karma can affect people in different ways.
Do most married couples stay together after cheating?
Honesty is powerful. Some of the best statistics are about how honesty and revelation affect these situations. The highest divorce rate is 80% and is linked to secret affairs. Only 43% of these marriages end in divorce when the unfaithful partner comes forward. This shows the power of honesty, openness, and vulnerability in marriage and long-term relationships. When we talk about what hurts us, we can start to heal. Honesty helps your counselor understand what’s going on.
Honesty doesn’t save every marriage, but it helps a lot! Growth requires honesty. If you divorce, being honest makes it more likely you’ll stay on good terms. This is better for you and your kids.
Can a marriage be stronger after infidelity?
77% of couples report stronger marriages after infidelity. It’s not easy or guaranteed. But some people think it’s worth it, especially if both partners want to fix their relationship.
Do most cheaters regret cheating?
The survey found that having a great marriage did not make people more likely to regret having an affair. People who had affairs said they were very happy with them and did not regret having them. The results show that infidelity isn’t always caused by a deeper problem in a relationship. People had affairs for new and exciting sex or because they didn’t feel committed to their partners, not because they needed emotional fulfillment. People cheat for different reasons, Selterman said. Sometimes they cheat even if their relationships are good. There is no solid evidence that people who have affairs have lower relationship quality or life satisfaction. Selterman wants to learn more about how other groups of cheaters compare to those who used Ashley Madison.
Do cheaters usually regret cheating?
The survey found that having a great marriage did not make people more likely to regret having an affair. People who had affairs said they were very happy with them and did not regret having them. The results show that infidelity isn’t always caused by a deeper problem in a relationship. People had affairs for new and exciting sex or because they didn’t feel committed to their partners, not because they needed emotional fulfillment. People cheat for different reasons, Selterman said. Sometimes they cheat even if their relationships are good. There is no solid evidence that people who have affairs have lower relationship quality or life satisfaction. Selterman wants to learn more about how other groups of cheaters compare to those who used Ashley Madison.
Do relationships that start with cheating last?
Do cheaters usually stay with their partners? It’s unlikely that a relationship that started with infidelity will last. A study by psychologist Dr. Shirley Glass found that only about 25% of affairs last. In another study, researchers found that couples who met through infidelity were more likely to have a lower-quality relationship, be less committed, and be more likely to cheat in the future. What if I want to work it out with my partner after infidelity? Recovering from infidelity is difficult and takes work from both partners. Both partners must be willing to work on the relationship.
What percent of marriages survive infidelity?
Marriage After Infidelity Statistics. 57% of infidelity-affected marriages end in divorce. This shows the potential consequences of infidelity in a marriage. Even if a couple works through an affair, the odds are still against them. If you’re not willing to work hard to rebuild trust and repair your relationship, there’s little chance of staying together. Men who cheat are more likely to be successful and intelligent. This shows that infidelity doesn’t mean you’re not smart or successful. Even successful and intelligent people can be tempted to cheat on their spouses. This shows that infidelity isn’t a sign of bad character, but of human nature. 60% of cheaters didn’t intend to divorce before the affair. This statistic shows that many people who cheat do not want to leave their spouse. Infidelity can hurt a marriage, but it doesn’t mean the marriage is over. Couples can work through issues and rebuild their relationship. Only 5% of people who cheat marry their affair partner.
Should I get a divorce after infidelity?
The Dangers of Living With a Cheating Spouse. Think about your own well-being when deciding whether to stay in a relationship after infidelity. If you can’t handle the pain or think you can’t survive infidelity, it might be best to divorce. You have to decide what’s best for you and your relationship. If you’re struggling to make a decision, talk to a therapist or counselor. They can help you weigh your options and consider what is best for you and your children. If a marriage is unhealthy, you shouldn’t stay in it. If your partner won’t take responsibility for cheating, it’s best to leave. This will help you heal and move on. Rebuilding Your Marriage If you’ve decided to stay, there are ways to start healing.
Does the guilt of cheating ever go away?
8. Be committed, but don’t make promises you can’t keep. I cheated and feel guilty! Does cheating ever feel better? Yes. You can get over the pain and guilt. But learning to stop feeling guilty about cheating won’t be easy. Sometimes you just want to forget what you’ve done. If your partner gives you another chance, you can learn how to cope with cheating. Start the change and stick with it. Don’t make too many promises. Your spouse or partner won’t believe you.
When not to forgive a cheating spouse?
If you’re uncomfortable, you don’t have to forgive them. You might feel they’ll hurt you again. Your well-being matters most. If your partner won’t change, you have the right to move on.
Do cheaters really regret cheating?
The survey found that having a great marriage did not make people more likely to regret having an affair. People who had affairs said they were very happy with them and did not regret having them. The results show that infidelity isn’t always caused by a deeper problem in a relationship. People had affairs for new and exciting sex or because they didn’t feel committed to their partners, not because they needed emotional fulfillment. People cheat for different reasons, Selterman said. Sometimes they cheat even if their relationships are good. There is no solid evidence that people who have affairs have lower relationship quality or life satisfaction. Selterman wants to learn more about how other groups of cheaters compare to those who used Ashley Madison.
📹 Infidelity: to stay or go…? | Lucy Beresford | TEDxFolkestone
We assume that ending a relationship after betrayal is the best course of action. Yet relationship expert and broadcaster Lucy …
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Yeah, I’m desiring something for long time, working for it a lot, getting it, gives me 5 seconds of false satisfaction, and start the cycle again endlessly. So basically I quit the game, no point whatsoever. As a child I had literally nothing just a single toy, and it felt just fine… Just see the pattern, always the same, kind of easy to find out! infidelity is trickery for our minds, and many never comes to the realization. Thanks to UncoverLinks_Online for the helping me out.
The hardest part for me is knowing my man touched another woman and was touched by her. Looking into his eyes knowing those eyes gazed upon her body during intimacy. It’s a matter of contamination; his body was mine, and now it will never feel completely mine again and her touch will still be there. It can’t be undone or unknown.
For me the hardest hurdle is getting the images out of my mind. Seeing her and knowing someone else has seen her in a way only I should. I’m just repulsed. Update: Left her, found someone better, and now I’m happily married with our first child on the way. The ex cheating on me was the best thing to ever happen to me.
Infidelity kills a relationship because betrayal destroys trust..There can be no relationship once trust is gone..Betrayal of someone who loves you is not just a mistake. A mistake is when you get off on the wrong stop on the bus. A mistake is when you serve the wrong fork with the salad. Betrayal is a murderous offence against the relationship and one’s partner.
Not my first time being cheated on, but the last person on earth I ever would of thought to cheat on me did. Why can’t people just be honest and loyal? Selfishness… Just know for everyone else who had just been cheated on that it will get better with time. That you deserve to be happy and the right person will show up one day and be a part of your life forever. Just hang in there and have a positive attitude. It wasn’t your fault for what they did. Sending peace and love your way. You’re not alone.
From someone who just came out of a relationship who was cheated on and betrayed, I just do not understand how trying to make it work makes you courageous. Although I did try to make it work for a year I felt my self esteem drop more than I ever felt courageous. I think this might only work in a very specific scenario. I think in most situations, a relationship could not work if infidelity occurs.
The comments are very sad… To those who chose to stay, as long as you feel loved and you genuinely feel that the relationship grew stronger after infidelity, don’t be swayed by society’s very harsh judgement on the issue. Congratulations for trying to fix what was broken instead of throwing it away. To those who chose to end the relationship, if you feel that it’s for the best, then so be it.
I stayed for three years after I found out. Working on our relationship. We went to marriage counseling. He saw my pain and felt horrible that he caused it. Hurt the children and the family as well. So he said, funny how humans forget so easily. Anyways, time passed and things seemed normal again. We fell into a comfortable routine and all was forgiven. Just when I thought we were going to pull through this, the signs started again and this time things got worse. He started disrespecting me and was being cruel and careless. He didn’t bother to hide and conceal much. He got bold. It didn’t matter how hard I tried, or how much patience, tolerance and understanding I had. He cheated because he could do it and because he wanted to. Humans are selfish by nature. If they don’t have real consequences then they feel they can do it again. Now there are exceptions but those people are rare… Put it this way if you let a man slap you in the face and you forgive him then in a way you are given him permission to slap you again. He got away with it. I know that this is considered a physical attack and abuse. Then what is cheating? Isn’t it an emotional attack and abuse as well…. why would you allow it! No one has the right to disrespect you! Leaving is not quitting! It is knowing you self worth and standing up for yourself. The marriage certificate doesn’t mean anything if you don’t have a healthy relationship. The person who intends to cheat always has other options first. This is just my opinion.
I was surely disappointed by this talk. I had a boyfriend for 3 years, where he cheated on me several times along the way. Every time I found out, I tried to forgive but my feelings for him started going cold. The last time it happened, I could only feel indifference towards him. He said something I can’t get out of my head till today “Stop the drama. It happened before, you shouldn’t be surprised.” – true or not, this is the speaking of someone who had no respect for me.
Narcissistic infidelity differs from “normal cheating”, because a narcissist feels no shame or remorse for what they’ve committed! In fact, they convince themselves it’s your fault, and actually lead the new partner to believe they’re a victim of you. A narcissist will talk about marriage and having kids with you, while sleeping with another person. They’ll give you the silent treatment and punish you, trying to make you feel bad for their own bad behavior. Survivors often wonder “why wasn’t I good enough?” or “why is the new partner better than me?” because the narcissist will shamelessly wave this person in your face and parade the new target around on social media. Every second you spend comparing yourself to this person will erode your self-worth and fill you with feelings of inadequacy and rejection. How did they replace you so quickly, immediately making all the same promises to another person? The answer is simple: Cluster-B disorders all stem from the inability to attach. They never attached to you, which is why they try to intensely manufacture all the normal feelings of love and bonding, and it’s also why they are able to detach and do the same thing to someone else in one day. Because they never successfully attached to you, despite all of their sweeping words. Sociopaths and narcissists are incapable of attaching to other human beings, so they hone all of these other skills like seduction, flattery, mirroring—all in an attempt to mimic what they see other people doing: loving each other.
I use to think I’d never take someone back. But after it happened to me, I understood how someone could. As much you are hurt, you also miss them immensely. Granted I think it was the person and the relationship before they cheated you actually miss. It was still really tempted with how much I missed them.
A month ago I found out that my wife of 22 years was having an affair for the last four and half years. My heart has been shattered to pieces. We have five children ages 8 to 18. The idea of my children having to suffer a broken home also breaks my heart. I chose to stay. I had an epiphany a few days after I discovered the infidelity. I didn’t sleep that night. I found pictures of my wife that seemed only to confirm the infidelity. But I also found thousands of other pictures – pictures of her and the children. I noticed that I was in a very small percentage of these pictures. I had to ask myself ‘why was I not there.’ Then I realized that I chose not to be there. I had allowed resentment to poison my marriage long before my wife stepped out. My taking responsibility for my shortcomings does not excuse my wife’s behavior. What she did was wrong, hurtful, and selfish. I sense that she is genuinely remorseful and wants to repair the damage that her actions have brought. Her actions of late confirm this. A month later – my trust in her is still at its lowest. I expect that this going to take a lot of time and building to find a place of security again. But today I am giving my wife the husband that she has longed for. I am attentive, concerned, and present. I have renewed my determination to have a health, happy marriage. I have chosen to be vulnerable in the hopes that we can have something better than before. If she should ever stray again then I know that the problem was never me.
I think it take courage to do both. It has been so hard dealing with an infidelity in my own marriage but I do have to say once we both processed and decided to work on things, it has made us better. We are more open than we have ever been, there are childhood traumas we both had to work on too. There is no easy way, it takes a lot of work, I think you will know in your heart if the relationship is worth saving.
My ex cheated on me, and when I found out, I was so devastated but I decided to forgive him and work things out between us because he told me he still loves me, and I know at that time I loved him too so I forgave him and talked things out with him with what went wrong and etc, he said he would do anything to make it up to me and I did my best to not accidentally guilt trip him when I know he is making the effort…. couple of months later, he told me he wanted to take a break in the relationship stating he wants to focus on his studies and finding himself. Then I just realize, he is just another all talk and no actions, he failed to take ownership of his actions, in his last text, he even justified his cheating. Honestly, I broke up with him and am moving on (I’m still in the healing process because I once loved him very much) It sucks to get cheated on, the toxic questions you keep asking yourself like “why did he cheat on me, am I not good enough, did I do something “???….. it’s heartbreaking Please don’t cheat on your partner, think of how you would make them feel
Everyone is so quick to say “just leave them…no way is it worth it to stay”. Believe me, I said the same thing before. In fact I said I’d kill my spouse if it ever happened. However, once you see the person that you truly love genuinely agonize, show extreme remorse, and want to ferociously fight to restore and grow the relationship you realize that a much greater love than before can develop and you can actually build something far stronger than most have….well, you might see the value in not letting it all go. Yes, the devastation and deceit can never be undone and probably not forgotten but there can be a great path ahead that doesn’t involve throwing everything away that you love. Forgiveness in times like these is quite powerful.
My wife had an affair and I decided to stay. I don’t think unfaithful spouses will ever understand the absolute pain and suffering the hurt spouse goes through. Your identity, safety, trust in people, parts of your humanity, and ability to truly love are destroyed. Maybe, not until the unfaithful goes through the exact same pain will they understand or even begin to relate. I now find myself putting up a defensive wall for my heart just to protect myself from her. Kind of expecting it to happen again because I can’t fully trust right now. All I can do is not micromanage her, but instead focus on me and just let her be. I am forcing myself to trust her again and let her prove her worthiness of my love. Fighting through this process is difficult, but I believe the old marriage has died and this new one may prove stronger.
I’ve known 1 couple that the husband cheated. She was my best friend so she moved in with me for a bit. They ended up getting back together and he realized what he was losing… They’ve had the best relationship ever since. Now I’m not as forgiving…It can work but I think the one that was deceitful has to be completely transparent with everything until they can build that trust again.
Infidelity is the type of betrayal that haunts you. You lose your identity and self control. Whether you choose to stay or go it still takes the strength of a warrior. Sometimes you randomly become moody,emotional, and angry. It’s hard to put into words how you truly feel. The thought of another touching your partner in ways you can’t imagine hurts, haunts, and destroys the soul. The worst part is that they will never understand how bad they’ve hurt you.
This is backwards………It takes courage to walk away. The fact is, many people stay because they are “afraid” to disrupt their life. I know from personal experience. For a long time I avoided doing what I knew I should. It was hard to get through it but I came out on the other side in a way better shape. I am now remarried and very happy. In “general” this is very bad advice, especially for guys, where the physiology is often different from a woman’s. You don’t get the betrayal out of your head even if you learn to live with it. It’s not surprising this advice comes from a woman.
I’m currently in that exact situation. 12 year relationship, married and 1 child. My wife cheated on me. I wanted to fix things. We looked at reasons that led to the infidelity. I then asked her to stop the relationship with the other person so we can focus on our couple. Unfortunately, she doesn’t want to. I did the right thing, I was courageous! It’s really sad.
After my wife admitted sleeping with my friend and blaming me for it I immediately told her that I forgave and still loved her. I then left her after she continued to lie and defend him. I was actually crushed more than I had ever experienced. I have used these articles to help me move on. I still struggle every day though its getting better.
My partner was cheating on me while we were leaving together for 2 years. Although there were so many some red flag, but she never stopped telling me how much she loved me and want to spend the rest of her life with me. So I kept on believing her lies and shoving the red flags. . Never knowing that she was having an affair with a guy that I know and they both kept it a secret. I got to find out when I open up to a very good business partner. How I have been noticing some red flags and he advised me on what to do and to find out for sure if she is being faithful. It was then that I realized that she was having an affair with this guy and they were secretly making future plans.. I was so heart broken by this but still grateful that I did the needful to actually find out. It is really such a painful thing how people plays with ones emotions.
Life is hard enough without harbouring a traitor in your life. Cheating (especially 2 year long affairs) are the ultimate mark of disrespect and contempt. Granted that you may have been a bad partner also but don’t take any blame for infidelity!! That is the most childish and cowardly act. Why then would you reward this with the “courageous” act of rebuilding? Don’t reward cowardice with courage, you are worth more than that. Remove them from your life as best you can and grieve the life you THOUGHT you had before. You’ll come out stronger.
I’ve learned in life not to say what I would or wouldn’t do – I’ve eaten a few words!! That said, for me and the infidelity I experienced in my marriage, the trust is never the same. I had to “go” and while I’m lonely at times, I have peace of mind and a calm in my life I wouldn’t trade for a relationship.
My father had an affair almost 40 years ago. It almost destroyed my mom, and it took years of work to repair their marriage. They are still together. He is 90, she is 85. They have had many, many good years together. He takes very good care of her, as she is the more fragile one. I think when the two partners really do love each other, a marriage can be saved.
One more thing…….people go into a marriage thinking love is the most important thing. Love is maybe #2! Honor is the most important thing. Love will wax and wane. You aren’t always feeling it when things aren’t going so well. But if you get past the hard parts at least you can work on your relationship and get it back. However, you absolutely need honor and you absolutely need to hold to your commitments . Honor is what carries you through the hard times. It’s not so hard if you have some rules. Of course you will see other people you are attracted to, but you don’t need to act on that. I use a rule of no social 1 on 1 time with any other women. If I have business I get it done in a business setting and leave. This does not mean I don’t trust myself. It’s also for my spouse. It leaves no doubt in her mind where I stand and she never has to worry. This may seem extreme to some people and perhaps it’s not for everyone, but it works for me.
I forgave. I absolutely, wholeheartedly did. I tried, for 2 months, to make it work. It was only one time. But that shouldn’t matter… However, in the end, I decided to quit. I do feel as if I did a mistake…but, I couldn’t live with a constant sense of fear and tension, even if my partner would have been completely innocent. Even if it would only have been my paranoia. I just couldn’t. I feel guilty but I believe I did the right thing.
This is a dangerous article for anyone who is going through narcissistic abuse. I can honestly say this article influenced my decision to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship, in which I was cheated on for 2 more years. In some relationships, perhaps, there is true remorse following infidelity. But when there isn’t, or when it’s all a big lie, this article is the ultimate self-gaslight.
It would be interesting to see a comparison of the psychological health of those who left an unfaithful partner, with those who decided to stay. It seems to me that being “courageous” means in some way denying the way you are really feeling; and denying your feelings is a bad idea – they’re there for a reason, after all. I have heard countless stories of people saying how glad they were that they left a cheating partner, and precious few saying that they were glad that they stayed. My gut feeling is that staying will lead to a diminishing of your self-esteem, resentment, and a kind of “half” life – never truly trusting or being at complete ease with your partner again.
no….. trust your gut and leave the relationship if you are not happy. There’s plenty of people out there who will treat you right without you needing the “courage” or strength. Don’t lower you’re standard for someone who didn’t consider your feelings with something so clearly hurtful. Follow your gut and don’t let anyone elses words lead you to your decision. I wish you the best and remember that there’s better for you out there. Don’t settle
We were high school sweethearts. Together 11 and a half years, married for 5 and a half of them. He was the only man i’d ever been with. It was so so hard to cut him loose when he had his affair. He was all i’d ever known, we grew up together. But I realized that he had changed and was no longer good for me. Was no longer the 18 year old i fell in love with. But was now a lying, cheating, selfish, manipulative man. I can confidently say I’m much better off – but I still think about him every single day.
I watched your article of ending a relationship or staying. I don’t believe a more courageous person would stay. I was a married person who decided to leave. I gave up everything I built during my marriage, but I left anyway because of my anger. Leaving was the best choice. Staying is not courageous for most. It’s a person who is afraid of what comes next
I feel that if you did not have the character to remain true to the love of your life – you do not deserve the happiness they already tried to give you… Why should someone reinvest into a person that just showed them they are not strong enough to remain in the bounds of trust you had already given them ??? What should had happened is they should have come to their partner & started the work your talking about before stepping out on their partner. There is something wrong with your character if opportunity controls your loyalty… This behavior not having a real consequence is the reason it is thriving. I bet if you knew (Hands Down) you would loose “EVERYTHING” you had gotten from your relationship, it wouldn’t be no were near as bad as it is today…
Interesting talk. However, a cheater effectively has emotionally checked out of your relationship to have the affair without any regard to how it will affect you and your family. It could be repaired in certain circumstances but for the vast majority the betrayed needs to find their self respect and be rid of that relationship.
True story and advice. I was married for less than a year. No kids. Wife was unfaithful inside that year. I was clueless. She told me to lesson her emotional load. She sobbed and sobbed and apologized. Looking back, she likely minimized her role and actual misbehaviors. I wrongfully and unwisely decided to stay with her. All seems fine for 11 years and add 3 kids…then I see strange calls on our phone log when she’s out of town “visiting her sister” three states away. She was cheating again, this time numerous times with married men and families. And later was shown IN MY OWN HOUSE WHEN I WAS AT WORK AS OUR KIDS WERE LOCKED IN BEDROOMS. LISTEN: NEVER EVER EVER EVER STAY WITH A CHEATER IF YOU DO NOT HAVE KIDS! If you do have kids, only do so if you really love the spouse and go forward with 100% accountability by no less than 2 outside, trusted parties. It is highly likely they will cheat again even with that. As a romantic, I was never okay with the hurt. I could never un-visualize it. If you are a romantic-dreamer-creative type like me, with also a logical strength, it may be the hardest thing you ever try to cope with.
20 years into our reconciliation. We are happy most of the time. If I can offer one piece of advice to people taking this same route. DON’T DO IT!! RUN! It isn’t the more courageous thing to do. It is now a bad investment and you should invest your time and money into another person. It is courageous to set boundaries. It is courageous to look out for your own mental health. It is courageous to take a step out into the great unknown and start over. There. Was. Nothing. Courageous. About. This. Most of my reconciled acquaintances say the same thing. DO. NOT. DO. IT!
I agree, and I have the right to agree as a betrayed spouse. I don’t know where it ends up. I know that I am not painted into a corner. No one can say that they have done nothing wrong but I can say I did not carelessly go down a path to destroy our marriage. Walking away does not undo the damage done. I agree with what she says about affairs and escape. It is not always about the partner or the marriage, it’s often about deep issues that have never been dealt with. At this point, a year and a half afterward, I am frustrated but not angry. It’s sad to see someone trapped by their own actions and internal issues. The idea that the cheater got away with something while the betrayed held off from doing the same is very telling. I initially felt that; she had gotten to go have fun while I bypassed that and stayed faithful. At this point I don’t feel that at all. Now I see the chaos and debt that ‘fun’ created. Not just in the marriage and family. There is a real cost internally for the affair participants that is higher than anything else. They can’t even talk about or stand to be reminded of their behavior. Affairs are not publicly displayed for a reason, the same reason that other objectively wrong actions are not proudly broadcast. Maybe some people wish they too had an affair. But why didn’t they? There’s no lack of opportunity for anyone to have an affair. So to me the real blow of the affair is to my wife’s self respect, self esteem and ability to live honestly with herself.
Infidelity affects people at different stages of a relationship differently. It depends on the circumstances and reaction of the cheating partner. Real remorse, regret and apology for erring against your partner can make it easier to forgive and let go of anger and resentment following betrayal. Some partners justify infidelity and are unrepentant. Those should be left and avoided. Noone is perfect. Holding your spouse to angelic standards is recipe for disappointment.
A marriage only ever survives DESPITE an affair not BECAUSE of it. 12 years later my marriage survives. My wife even loves me again. But i never got the answers to my questions and my wife has NEVER said ‘I am glad i no longer see him and chose to stay with you’. She loved him too so we both know it would be a lie. I suppose i have to respect that honesty however much it hurts. My wifes affair was painful and irreversible. It has caused mental AND physical damage. Fortunately I no longer think about it everyday and even when i do its fleeting but its taken more than a decade to get to here. I dont see anything positive about it at all apart from its taught me that only being ACTIVELY IN LOVE can protect against an affair. Just love and respect born of time is not enough. Once the ‘honeymoon’ is over, no marriage is 100% affair proof.
Amazing speech. I chose to let my husband go. He could never and will never admit he cheated, nor will he apologize for what he has done to our family. He was unwilling to be transparent as well. Instead he blames me for leaving him. He is now alone and blames me for his misery. In some circumstances it’s best just to let go. I couldn’t live with the thought of “could it happen again?”
I got cheated on a lot with a lot of different people within one year, and still stayed for another two and a half. Until I couldn’t do it anymore. The girl and the strength I lost in myself was refound when I made the choice to leave and try to heal myself alone without him. It’s still a process, it’s currently a process
I don’t think there is a wrong or right answer/ decision. Only through it. Always focus on the choices that hold yourself in high esteem as the love of your life. Everything will fall into place. Working through a relationship trauma is extremely difficult especially when it is not as of high importance to your partner as it is to you. Even harder with trauma triggers and terrible communication. I don’t know if I agree with this lady 100%. She comes from the POV of trying to work the relationship out. Sometimes what’s best is to walk away. When that moment happens depends on where the connection falls on the relationship meter. Sometimes leaving is only temporary so both people can settle their mind and emotions to ground themselves. There is an infinite number of possibilities. Be honest of what that is for you. That’s what I’ve learned on my life’s journey.
I left after discovering my husband’s affair. We were separated for 2 1/2 years. He promised he’d learned and grown and would never betray me again and I believed him. We reconciled and 10 months later I found he was still communicating with his…I don’t even know what to call them…”friends.” 🙄 That was 2 years ago. We’re still together but I’m afraid I am broken beyond repair. My body is here but my spirit is crushed. It’s hard to walk away after 32 years of marriage but staying after such betrayal has left me empty.
i think this is bs. people need to learn they deserve respect from someone who is willing to give it to them, and not betray them for 2 years and completely disregard their feelings. you shouldn’t have to work to feel trust with your s/o. there is always more fish in the sea and they are usually MUCH better than the one that cheated on you, so don’t think it’s “courageous” to stay because it will mentally ruin you to have the constant, subconscious doubt of your partner, who honestly doesn’t love u if they went and cheated tbh.
Being cheated on is the ultimate disrespect. Just like a vase that is thrown to the floor and shattered the relationship may be glued back together but it is never the same. It is always clearly broken and can’t be fixed. A new relationship may be built from the shattered pieces but now the participants of that relationship know the other and do not want a cheater as a life partner.
I totally disagree. It’s not courageous to stay. You deserve so much better than someone who cheats on you. If they cheated on you then they don’t love you or respect you any more. There is nothing left at that point. The most courageous thing you can do is to leave and never look back. It will be very painful, but for your own sanity and well being you need to leave. I know, because I was there – I found out my long term girlfriend had been cheating. I didn’t want to let the relationship go and tried to keep it going. That was the most upsetting time of my life. After telling me she had ended with him, she left me one day to live with him. I suffered for months afterwards. But I know it was for the best. If they cheat, end it instantly and without hesitation. That takes true courage. Remember your self worth – you are valuable, and you will find someone better. Good luck!
I stayed in a relationship after being cheated on. The entire time I was scared but I truly believed he wouldn’t hurt me again. He said so. One year later, as soon as he found some girl who showed interest in him; he cheated on me again and broke up me. He claimed with proudness “everyone makes mistakes, I didn’t sleep with her last year so I never cheated on you”. This was my first relationship and he broke me. I still don’t know how to recover from this. I never thought of replacing him, yet he did it so easily. One thing I have learned- Once a cheater, always a cheater. Let them go.
Domestic violence, like infidelity, is a learned and/or inherited behavior that has a high likelihood of being repeated, regardless of actions taken to stop the behavior. Why would anyone romanticize either situation? When has making a critical life decision based on emotion ever worked out better than one made from a logical, rational assessment of the situation? The highly deceptive JayZ and Beyonce example(assuming it’s true) is the exception to the rule, and should never be used as a reason to abandon the astronomical odds that it will work for you. I’m all for introspection and self assessment on both sides, but do yours while permanently separated from the source of your failed relationship, and apply what you’ve learned in the next one. Would you recommend trying to save a relationship where your friend or loved one was the victim of a 2 year affair by an unfaithful partner? Would you be the least bit surprised when that friend called you 2 months later crying, “He/She did it again”? Common sense and logic trump romanticized, emotional decisions that really emanate from insecurity and weakness. It takes tremendous strength of will and character to end a bad relationship, and regardless of fault, the decision to carry on an extramarital affair is the action of a bad partner. It requires extreme narcissism, bad character and a severely flawed perspective of what romantic love and commitment are. This presentation reinforces bad ideas that rarely, if ever, work in the real world.
What a great talk Lucy, no doubt it has made a powerful impact on the way many people view this sensitive subject and in the way many people handle it in their lives too! It gives people the freedom to stay, when the general view seems to be to go. Bravo! Would love to see more of you on TED. Winning presentation 🙂
Cheating for me is a deal breaker for me, I always told the previous women that I’ve had relationships with, the moment you are unfaithful is the moment you end our relationship. If I’ve ever felt so disconnected from my partner that I have felt myself drawn even into a hypothetical affair in my mind, I end the relationship. I’ve been in many abusive relationships (that I ultimately ended) but never once have I been unfaithful. Why? Because no failing relationship is worth sacrificing my morals and integrity for. No matter how it unfolds with a partner, there should be a base level of respect and empathy towards them as a human being. A failed relationship will not pollute your mind and foster insecurities anywhere near as as being on the receiving end of adultery. I dind’t know what was happening all along for years that she has been cheating until I met NERD STARK CORP
Once you’ve been cheated on and don’t leave, the relationship becomes untrusting and utilitarian. Raise the kids, be suspicious, expect further betrayal, and think about the cheaters every day for the rest of your life. I can’t imagine going into a new relationship without defensive reservation and mistrust.
My wife of 35 years looked at me with cold detachment when my son told me of the emotional, on line affair she was having with a man she knew as a teenager. She no longer wanted to be married to me, she wanted him, he brought color to her life. He is unemployed, lives in a trailer and she finances him. Never once has she acknowledged the pain she has inflicted on her family, or the insulting, condescending, humiliating way she treated me in the months she carried on her affair under the roof of our home before she could be with him. I spent months trying to reconcile with a person who had changed so much, I no longer recognized her as my wife. She had no interest in reconciliation. To this day she has never acknowledged the pain she caused me let alone apologized for it. Any conversations she wants to have are light and breezy, even to our children, as though it’s business as usual. For my money she and her affair partner can have each other.
She brings up a valuable point in commitment to the ownership of infidelity. If that is not realized no courage in the world will mend the relationship. Lastly, will patience prevail in fixing what is broken. Words are cheap. Promises have been made to be broken. People will cope the only way they feel comfortable in dealing with this situation. We on the outside can only sympathize and carefully support those in need.
After being cheated on quite several times in different relationships, I see this is as a total gaslighting, wishful thinking, toxic positivity BS.\r \r You can’t ever justify infidelity/cheating/betrayal. “What went wrong?” The cheater is where it went wrong. It has nothing to do with the victim and everything to do with the cheater.\r \r I’d rather hurt here and there but gradually heal and recover than force myself to tolerate and settle for something that will only hurt me again and again prolonging my suffering and delaying my recovery.
I wish she had explicitly emphasized that both partners must be 100% committed to repairing the relationship. It’s hard work. Sometimes one partner is not truly committed, and the other can’t carry the weight for both. Perhaps the betraying partner just wants to put the infidelity behind them and expects the betrayed partner to simply move on as if nothing had happened. It’s an avoidant behavior that ducks accountability and doesn’t acknowledge the impact of the betrayal.
I am in this situation at the moment. My partner cheated on me (on a single occasion) two years ago and I have been working through a lot of pain, doubt, intense fear and jealousy at times. Sometimes I wish I had left him because it would have been so much easier than to face the issues between us. I wanted to know if the relationship could be saved after something like that and honestly, two years on, I still don’t know if it can in this case.
20 years of marriage and two kids here. It was a happy marriage. I caught her cheating much like this guy in the story, on her phone. She claims it wasn’t about anything I did or didn’t do but that it was exciting and made her feel pretty. This wasn’t a one time thing and she worked hard to keep it hidden. Is this even forgivable?
I agree with everything she said except for the “sorry” part. You can not be sorry for something you have knowinginly and dileberately did. You cant be sorry for hurting someone knowing that if they found they would be hurt. You can not be sorry because if they wouldn’t have found out, you wouldn’t have been sorry. Saying sorry is not ownership, accepting the outcome and working to be better is ownership.
Always go. Otherwise, you are condoning and encouraging it. I left. From a guy who was cheated on with four children. People have to know there are consequences when they cheat and those consequences are their marriage is over. It has to get to the point where when they cheat for the first time, they come to you and say start divorce proceedings, I just cheated on you.
I can not stand with someone who has broken my trust!. To be honest the term once a cheater always a cheater is really on the mark. I know its sometimes hard to leave the person you love. But imagine the pain, worries and the feeling of being on the edge EVERYDY. Its just not worth it. If you want a happy life take a step back, be calm and see the situation as a “third wheel”. Is it worth staying? What about children? (would they have a hard time growing up?). Its sometimes better to leave (divorce) your partner, even if you have a child.
Wonderful talk on Ted by Lucy Bereford. It’s beautiful to hear this approach to infidelity which focuses on self-reflection, forgiveness and also inner strength and determination. Lucy’s approach means we have to practice a bigger heart, an excercise which not only has a positive effect on the individual but also on those around us.
It depends on the couple, but if you both understand where you went wrong, with discussion and analysis and a lot of hard work and pain, it will work. The feeelings against the betrayer and their affair have to be put into context. The reasons for it happening come from both sides, almost always. A lot of self-reflection is needed by both. Then talk, and change. If there is love it will work.
I feel how a couple communicates with one another has a strong impact on their resilience before and after Infidelity. Feeling that your partner can be heard with respect and vide-versa allows for plenty of healing and bonding to occur. From the beginning, Frankly I was completely oblivious to the emotional attachment I was developing for my work colleague. I’d talk about him to my partner of 12 yrs. frequently. As the friendship and my feelings for the friend started to change and I became aware this had turned in to an emotional affair, I would discuss it at length with my partner. Total transparency. In the end, our love out lasted my crush. How could I have even considered risking something so stable and certain for something so unstable and uncertain. Due to our honest ability to communicate, we worked through my transgressions. I owned up to what I did, to how it made him and me feel. And we’ve never felt stronger now. I didn’t need this article to tell me I did the right thing ending the E.Affair. There’s nothing our love can’t get us through. I’m not saying it works for every situation, but for ours what she speaks of rings true. Good luck and love to all.
I’m pretty sure I will never be the same!! The fact that my husband touched another woman, eats me up alive. I decided to stay but the pain will never go away.. I didn’t know that I was this courageous, until few months ago.. But his betrayal will always hunt me… I take my wedding vow seriously the Christian inside me holds me together but knowing that he is wedding vows means nothing anymore… Breaks my heart over and over again!!! Just trying to learn on how to live with pain!!! I know I haven’t been perfect myself but the heartache will never go away… It does take courage indeed..I decided to move forward and work on my own mistakes.. The experience has thought me .. I can only count on myself.. Cause people will always let you down.
if someone has the lack of empathy and self discipline to cheat- that’s not something you can just fix after a few months of working on yourself. it takes a LOT of effort to fix character flaws like that. not everyone has it in them. if someone decides to stay with someone who cheats, they’re going to have to spend a very long time in “limbo” waiting to see if that person can be trustworthy or not. there are cases where it works out, but i feel like this presentation gives a lot more hope than maybe it should
I’m a huge fan of Lucy’s books and lbc radio show so it’s no surprise this a really well structured and delivered piece. A very thought provoking piece which challenges what would perhaps be our natural response in favour of what could be be a far more rewarding and lasting (although far from easy) outcome.
What a marvelous talk. I can’t help but read so many of the comments here… When someone cheats, it very well might not have anything to do with their partner but their own issues that they need to sort through. Human’s were never meant to be monogamous but I take my hat off to those who work together as a couple.
It’s so hard knowing he loved someone else && it’s so easy to say you see it so move on …. I was that woman …. But it’s truly hard . If you’re truly IN LOVE … it’s hard to just let go … idk why they do this stuff but they do sometimes …. && no matter how hurt you are … you might stay … hoping && praying it will work … But don’t waste too much time seeing how if it will change or not . I say that but here I am 2 years later after so many mistreatments …. Everyone situation is different … Telling you from experience … try your best to do what’s best for Y O U
Once a cheater, always a cheater. A person may do it less but people don’t change who they are. This happened to me, got cheated on. I immediately ended the relationship. There are too many women out there with integrity to build a life with rather than staying with a cheater. I’d rather not spend the rest of my life with one eye open. Once that trust is broken, it’s very hard, if not impossible, to regain it again. It is not worth it. Just leave and find someone better! I did!!
Patching things up as opposed to patching things over is a key subtlety to this. I never felt she was forthcoming enough to give me an understanding of why she did what she did. In addition to being informed by the guilty person four years after the fact, it has now been an additional 32 years. After staying because of our young daughters, I wished to leave years ago, but what is the right way to respond to the onset of dementia?
Got cheated on and literally in 1/3/24 got dumped by my ex because he confessed to cheating. The worst part is that I see him frequently since we go around the same circles. I saw him 3 months post break up flirting with the girl he told me to worry about. I won’t lie I cried but I picked myself up and told me myself that he won’t hurt me anymore. I let that go.
Courage is not willingly being the puppet of a cheating coward. I’m sure this woman means well but her words are as poison as cobra venom. Cheating on your partner is betrayal by a selfish terrible human being and should NEVER be tolerated by someone of sound mind and reasonable self-esteem. If you are cheated on, please, for your sake, leave. That person has shown you how little they care about you.
I actually just left a 2 year relationship. He cheated on me six months into the relationship while in Mexico on vacation with his friends. He stayed in contact with the girl for the next two months. Texting her while I was sleeping right by his side. I think the worst part was that it wasn’t just lust. It started off as lust and ended up in a whole other relationship. I always had a rule for myself that I would never stay with someone who cheated and I would never be treated like an option. I stayed because we were 17 and young and I was in love. I gave that relationship my all. We eventually moved in together into our own apartment. I was fully committed and putting in all the effort I could. I was tired. I was tired of the thoughts in the back of my mind any time he said something about our future. I had to beg him to even want to be with me after he cheated because he wanted to be with her. Looking back if she lived in the area I have no doubt in my mind that he would’ve ended things with me. He didn’t want to be alone. I am now a few months shy of turning 20 and I finally found the courage to leave him. It’s hard because I did love him so much. He was my first love and I was his. I think eventually I realized I was in love with the idea of him and the goals I have for my life. My biggest goal is to get married and have a family one day and I realized that I am so young and I shouldn’t put myself second to that goal. Yes I want those things but I will not settle. It’s crazy because he really did cut her off and never talked to her again, but I was still unhappy months later.
If it happens once, it’s probably over. Not necessarily, because we are human, and humans make mistakes. But probably. If you put the work in to stay together and then it happens again, run as fast as you can. Because they wouldn’t do it unless something was very, very wrong from the beginning that you didn’t notice. They were hiding a secret 2% while you gave the relationship 100.
people who forgive and accept back their cheating partner…..have self-worth issues they think they cannot live without their partner …..in reality we come alone in this world and we die alone ( Your wife won’t die because you died ) or worst they think they won’t find someone better…. Don’t repair …be strict and replace
There are many reasons that someone embarks on an affair. The thing is if the person having an affair found dissatisfaction in something in their wife/husband, and have tried many times before the affair to try and resolve it, but the partner wouldn’t, why would anyone want to stay? If you get found out, why would the partner even want to stay. There would be no trust and you’d feel like a doormat! Actually you WOULD be a doormat.
I have been cheated on and I have been the cheater. It takes a lot of guts to be able face your flaws and own what you’ve done. I think Lucy has a very practical way of looking at all this but I know from experience the pain is so real and so hard to see through at the time. It takes time to get to a point where you can release and forgive.
“Work out what went wrong ” ? Nice, if it was you… perhaps. Nope… when we split… I had seen too many “attempt to fix, got hurt again”… I emphasized it was forever apart… no getting back together. I learned more of it all later… & developed a hate, unlike any EVER experienced before, or since…
Infidelity is the last straw. The relationship was already broken before. Someone who doesn’t have the courage to leave a broken relationship, or is too much of a coward to leave, will use an affair to escape the issues. I’m not saying you could not work things out after an affair, but it would require a life long of fixing. Do you want to waste your life fixing that was broken? Fix yourself, before trying to fix a relationship.
One person wrote the hardest part is knowing your man, whom you called husband fell in love with another woman was touched and maybe still is by another thing (he can’t seem to let go of that relationship because his emotions are probably very strong for her. she’s 18 years younger and calls her little girl, little child, little beautiful girl – same nicknames he called my little daughter! so hurtful!) The fact that he made love to her instead of me! It’s very hard to get over because it WILL FOREVER be implanted into my thought life! One friend told me, that lady and him should NOT occupy ONE millisecond of my thought because they are. NOT worth it! This is what I keep telling myself everything the thought of them 2 comes to my thought life.
I feel like she is leaving out a major portion of the path to success. When someone cheats, they get a huge hit of dopamine and are going to want to keep going back for another 6 months to 2 years. The chances of them instantly doing this SOS thing she’s mentioning are very low. In order for it to work, it actually takes way more work from the betrayed than it does the betrayer because they have to wait for their spouses new relationship to fizzle out.
Here’s the thing, if she has already cheated then shes not just going to stop. If you actually love someone and are married to them then you would never do that to the person. I’d be done and out. It’s a cowardly move to cheat on someone rather than discussing your needs to your partner, this is something I do not understand.
Hello, I am new here, and just betrayed, is someone here for real still with the betrayer?? I find this “courage” concept really hard to believe. I am trying my best no to split, but my wife always lies, every day there is a new lie that yesterday did not exist. My dreams were cut, my self esteem is totally broken. All my future plans for my two babies are now uncertain with mommy and daddy because I don’t know who is she and not anymore who I am. The level of deception is so so cruel. Infidelity is the most destroying weapon ever exist among families. I am so sorry for all comments I’ve read and hope all of you could heal and your heart have happiness inside again. My emotions are dead, every day I get colder and more sour. Sorry for my english, I am not so good with the language, but would be very important and significant for me to know there are couples that really were able to manage it and still together.
I like the answer about switching numbers in phones. but that means they actually have that persons number saved or you know who the person is in their phone. But if you do have access to their phone, use a key-logger. I don’t know which to suggest- but I have used 2, but you have to research and research to find a good one and they cost money- but, if you want to know everything they type on their phone, their social media and app usage and their geographic location- the 2nd one I used also had a call recorder and a microphone tapper- which would send a secret text to his phone and then give me listening access to his surroundings. I know- I was crazy for a brief moment in life and realized I didn’t need to torture myself trying to play detective, and I cut him loose. He has since admitted to one infidelity accidentally or maybe on purpose because he wanted to try to hurt me, either way I was indifferent. Back to spying- I did this when I realized chunks of texts between his female boss and him missing from his phone- and he had recently told me she was in trouble at work for snap chatting with the male employees, not him, but others (yeah, right) her avoiding me at the Christmas party was very evident, I mean skin crawling evident. Anyways, you need access to his phone for about 5–10 minutes. TO CATCH ANYONE RED HANDED HIRE them Only on Whatsapp +1 236-2391 \r THEY ARE SO SWIFT ACCURATE AND RELIABLE ☝
Recently discovered my husband signed up for okcupid the other day and messaged a few ladies with the same pick up line… We’ve been together for over 4 years and while my rational side says people change overtime, my emotional side is personally broken with the feeling of betrayal. Since it’s in it’s early stages, not sure if he’s made physical contact with anyone yet but the flirtation was absolutely instigated on his end as he was the one to message them. I’m terrified to confront him and have been crying for the last few hours but know that that’s the key step to growing and understanding the truth. Before this marriage, I was also in a long term relationship that ended poorly and it took everything in me to leave. If you’re still reading this I applaud you and appreciate your time. TLDR, it takes courage to fight for the relationship but I feel it also takes courage to fight for your happiness. I guess I’m a bit old fashion and have always been monogamous- Sending you all positive vibes if you have or are going through this, It truly hurts but we will survive <3