Divorce rates for people with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) are around 80%, nearly double the national average. This high rate is due to the high conflict and domestic violence that can make it difficult for the spouse of a person with Aspergers to continue in the relationship. The average age at marriage for persons who divorced was 23.7 years in 1980, increasing to 30.7 years in 2020. The average duration of marriages also increased from 23.7 years in 1980 to 30.7 years in 2020.
In the autism community, many believe that 80% of such marriages will end in divorce. A study found that autism divorce rates (64%) are similar to families. Emotions may be processed differently in a divorce with Asperger’s, as emotions may be processed differently than your spouse’s. To help couples with Asperger’s, it is important to practice mindful meditation and deep breathing in tense moments.
The U.S. Census Bureau released the Number, Timing and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2016 report, which revealed that the percentage ever-divorced was highest for adults of both sexes ages 55 to 64. About 42%-45% of all first marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, with 69% of all divorces in the U.S. initiated by women, 31% by men.
In conclusion, divorce rates for people with Asperger’s Syndrome are significantly higher than the national average, and it is crucial for couples to understand their unique circumstances and work together to find effective strategies for managing their relationship.
📹 Your Asperger’s/Autism Spectrum relationship is headed for DIVORCE & what YOU can do to prevent it
Discover the main characteristics of neurodiverse relationships that are headed for disaster. Learn what YOU can do to preventĀ …
What is it like to be married to someone with Asperger’s?
People react differently to things. Autistic people often react differently to things that happen around them. Your spouse may react differently to sudden touch, noise, or light. If your spouse says no to a concert, it might be because the noise hurts them, not because they don’t want to go.
They may pull away from your hand if they are sensitive to touch. It’s not personal. It’s just a reaction to the stimulation.
They might also be sensitive to food textures or aromas. Your favorite family recipe might be uncomfortable for them to eat, but that doesn’t mean you’ve cooked it badly or that they’re being critical of your cooking.
Which type of couples have the highest divorce rate?
Divorce Trends. Since 2000, there have been fewer divorces and marriages. The number of divorces in 2021 (689,308) is much lower than in 2000 (944,000). The divorce rate dropped from 4.0 to 2.5 per 1,000 population.
Third marriages have the highest divorce rate, at 73%. Most people think that half of all marriages end in divorce. But this is mostly true for first marriages. Second and third marriages are much more likely to fail, with 67% and 73% of them ending in divorce.
How Divorce Affects Health and Homeownership. Divorce is not just about the law and emotions. It can also have long-lasting effects. Divorce increases the risk of death. Divorced men are more likely to die than divorced women. Many divorcing couples argue about the family home. In 2022, 53.4% of divorcing couples owned their home, while 46.6% rented.
Are autistic partners more loyal?
You may need to adjust how you communicate with an autistic person, but the process of learning what they need to feel safe and happy in a relationship is the same as with anyone else. It’s always a learning process.
Every person you date has challenges and benefits. Autistic people are often honest, reliable, and loyal, which are important for a long-term relationship. You may need to be more direct and give your partner space when they feel overstimulated. Autistic people can love and be in romantic relationships. A relationship with an autistic person is different.
Do Asperger’s love their partners?
It was once thought that autism made it impossible to love or have relationships. Love is an emotion anyone can feel, despite differences. Someone with Asperger’s can fall in love. There might be some challenges along the way. But isn’t this true of most relationships? Some challenges may come from what researcher Damian Milton calls the “double empathy problem.” The concept refers to the difficulty both neurodivergent and neurotypical people may have when trying to understand each other.
Do Asperger’s feel love?
It was once thought that autism made it impossible to love or have relationships. Love is an emotion anyone can feel, despite differences. Someone with Asperger’s can fall in love. There might be some challenges along the way. But isn’t this true of most relationships? Some challenges may come from what researcher Damian Milton calls the “double empathy problem.” The concept refers to the difficulty both neurodivergent and neurotypical people may have when trying to understand each other.
Do people with Asperger’s have intimacy issues?
When someone is upset, their partner may be the only one there to help them. This isn’t callous. For the partner with Asperger’s, solitude is the best way to recover. They think this is the best way for their partner to recover too. The partner with Asperger’s may also not know what to do or may choose to do nothing because they are afraid of making the situation worse.
Partners have problems with sexual knowledge and intimacy. Adults with Asperger’s tend to know a lot or a little about sex. People with Asperger’s syndrome don’t know much about romance, foreplay, or sensual touch. People with sensory sensitivities can affect relationships in general and sexual relationships in particular. People with Asperger’s can be sensitive to smells, which can make perfume and other scents uncomfortable. Due to touch sensitivity, gestures like a touch on the forearm or a hug can be seen as overwhelming, restricting, and unpleasant. The partner may feel resentful when the person with sensory issues doesn’t enjoy physical touch and avoids sensual or sexual intimacy. The person doesn’t like touch because of sensory problems, not because they don’t care about the relationship. The sexual script of someone with Asperger’s can be described as rigid, repetitive, and lacking in sexual desire. Having a relationship with someone with Asperger’s can affect your mental health. A study of couples where one partner has Asperger’s found that the relationship affects each partner’s mental and physical health differently (Aston 2003). Men with Asperger’s said their mental and physical health improved in long-term relationships. They were less stressed and happier in the relationship. This was in contrast to their partners, who said their mental health had gotten worse. They felt neglected and exhausted. They may resent their partner for being emotionally inarticulate and feel trapped by the relationship. The exhaustion can be due to the partner with Asperger’s syndrome not sharing the housework or childcare. Adults with Asperger’s can have trouble organizing things, so their partner has to take on that role. In modern Western society, we have replaced the words “husband” or “wife” with “partner.” Today’s women want their partners to share the responsibilities and be their best friends, providing emotional, practical, and financial support. The person with Asperger’s syndrome finds it hard to share and be a best friend.
Improving relationship skills. People with Asperger’s syndrome will need help with relationships at every stage of their lives. Children need help from a speech pathologist and teacher to learn how to talk and make friends. Educational services that support a child with Asperger’s syndrome should focus on developing friendship skills. This will improve self-esteem, reduce teasing and bullying, lay the foundations for adult relationships and encourage teamwork abilities for successful employment. Adolescents need to know about attraction, dating, and sexuality. While this information is easy for typical teenagers to find, it may be harder for teenagers with Asperger’s syndrome. Without guidance from friends and practice, teens with Asperger’s won’t learn relationship skills. We now have programs on relationships and sexuality for adolescents with Asperger’s syndrome. We also have advice from other teenagers with Asperger’s syndrome and some family planning organizations are teaching relationship skills to adolescents and young adults with Asperger’s syndrome. Education includes learning about dating and avoiding sexual predators. It’s a good idea to have a friend or relative meet a date before you start dating. This way, you can see if they seem like a good person.
What is the divorce rate for autistic couples?
80% of parents with autistic children get divorced. New studies show that 80% of parents with autistic children are not divorced. The studies at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and the Kennedy Krieger Institute found much lower percentages. The findings have left some parents of children with autism frustrated. Brian Freedman is the clinical director of the team at the Center for Autism and Related Disorders conducting the study. Freedman’s team used data from the 2007 National Survey of Children’s Health, which included 77,911 children ages 3-17. The study found that 64% of children with ASD have two married biological or adoptive parents, while 65% of children without ASD had two parents. This is not a big difference. But these findings are not without challenges for parents of special needs children. Freedman says that families feel like they’re facing two challenges at once: a child with autism and the possibility of future divorce. Another study looks at how long couples stay married when they have a child with autism. Sigan Hartley, a clinical psychologist, leads a team of researchers at the University of Wisconsin-Madison Waisman Center to compare the age of an ASD child to that of a typically developing child.The UW study found that parents of children with autism were 10% more likely to get divorced than parents of typically developing children.The risk of divorce is lower for parents of young children. It decreases over time. By the time their child is 30, the risk is virtually nonexistent. Hartley said that while the risk of divorce for parents of autistic children did not decrease, parents with ASD children still face high demands. The two studies have been criticized. Tracy Lynn Cook from the Examiner said that it is irresponsible to ignore the difficulties of maintaining a marriage and a happy family while dealing with a stressful, long-term situation.Geraldine Dawson, PhD, chief science officer of Autism Speaks and a research professor at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, also responded to Freeman’s study on WebMD. She says the 80% divorce statistic may be because parents of children with autism are under stress. She calls the new study findings good news for families. It shows that even though these families face challenges, divorce is not likely. Freemans and Hartleys findings were different, but the advice was the same: It will be challenging, but don’t assume divorce is inevitable. As Lynn Cook mentions in the Examiner: Just like supermodel images are impossible for girls and women to maintain, so is this image of the perfect family. Fortunately, studies and critics alike say that parents should use emotional support systems.There are many community resources for parents with autism and special needs. The Waisman Center has a list of resources for parents of children with ASD. Download here.onetoughjob.org helps parents and children stay healthy and happy. You can search by age. Autism-Society.org has autism resources and links to national chapters that host local programs. The Arc.org has resources for long-term support, events, and respite services.
WRITTEN ON: January 1, 2014 Michael. Michael Cipielewski joined Friendship Circle in 2010 as social media manager. He is a Compassion Advocate, having worked with To Write Love on Her Arms, Sustain Lane, Potomac Highlands CWPMA, and others. Email me with ideas for future blogs.
How to survive being married to an aspie?
Tell your partner what you need. Do this in a neutral way. … Make parenting rules clear. … Try therapy. … Ask for help. People with classic autism often have trouble with language and social skills. People with Asperger’s traits have social and emotional difficulties, according to Autism Speaks. They may have trouble understanding what others are saying and how they are saying it. They don’t always understand how something was said, only what was said. People with Asperger’s may lack empathy. They may say or do things that offend or hurt others. People with Asperger’s can have unique traits. Some common characteristics include:
Above-average intelligence; A keen interest in a particular subject; Being a master on that subject; Having strict routines or rituals; Sensory issues.
Do Asperger’s make good partners?
Autistic people can have healthy relationships. These can be friendships or romantic relationships. Neurodiverse couples will likely face issues. Communication is often difficult and requires work and patience. Other issues may arise with intimacy, socializing, and parenting. People with ASD face unique challenges in relationships. But with effort, they can be overcome.
Do people with Asperger’s like kissing?
People with ASD often avoid touch. Some autistic people don’t like hugs or kisses. They may feel uncomfortable or angry when they don’t want affection. However, autistic people can also be very affectionate. They may show a lot of affection. Some partners may feel overwhelmed by this, especially if they don’t understand it. A couple can work together to find ways to show affection that are good for both of them.
Sex. Autistic people have a wide range of interest in sex, just like everyone else.
Who is the most famous person with Asperger’s?
Dan Aykroyd is an actor and comedian. He starred in Ghostbusters and The Blues Brothers. He was diagnosed with Asperger’s in his 50s. Aykroyd has talked openly about his diagnosis and used his fame to raise awareness about autism. He has also helped many autism charities. Satoshi Tajiri created the popular video game franchise PokĆ©mon. He was diagnosed with Asperger’s as a child and had trouble socializing. He found solace in collecting insects and developed a fascination with video games. Tajiri created one of the most successful video game franchises of all time, which has inspired many children and adults.
What percentage of people with Aspergers are married?
About half of all adults with autism live with a family member. Old research shows that about 5% of autistic adults are married or have been married. 9% of autistic adults are married, while 32% have a romantic partner. About half of non-autistic adults are married. Researchers believe romantic relationships should be considered when making plans for autistic people from childhood to adulthood. Some worry that autistic adults may have limited independence in their relationships.
In the U.S., autistic students are the largest disability in public classrooms. One survey showed that about 35% of young people with autism had at least some college education. In the first two years after high school, about half of the autistic young adults in the U.S. were not employed or enrolled in college.
📹 Why Your Partner with Autism Spectrum Disorder Has Difficulty Meeting Your Emotional Needs
Downloadable programs: — Living with ASD: eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse CouplesāĀ …
As a man on who is on the spectrum after reading the comments, I feel like I should say something here. Let me preface, if he isn’t giving you the same level of effort and dedication (in his own way) that you give, then you deserve better. Straight up. A relationship is a team effort and it should feed your soul. The good must outweigh the bad at the end of the day for it to be sustainable. I am painfully aware of how difficult I am. Honestly, I feel guilty to the point where I sometimes question if I should be in a relationship at all. My girlfriend really works with me and I appreciate her more than I can explain. I want to accommodate her as much as she does for me. I feel that’s only fair, because our needs are both equally valid. I totally understand why some of you feel this way and I’m sorry for the pain that it’s caused you.
I’m sure you mean well, but the endless mental gymnastics of trying to understand their problem and deal with their bizarre and soul crushing behaviors won’t be solved by being more curious about the mystery that these individuals are. A person can only take so much and the ASD usually doesn’t budge and won’t get help. It’s what it is.
My soon to be ex spouse is not diagnosed & has no desire to be diagnosed or seek help. I view him as my enemy at this point. I have carried to load alone for too long & divorce is the only solution. I can’t do this on my own. He looks at me like I’m speaking another language. He just doesn’t understand me, nor I him. His logic doesn’t make sense to me & it’s way too much.
I hear this too often. ” what YOU can do” being with someone with aspergers has caused me ao much grief so much work… So much lonliness that doing MORE than what i already have is not even an option. For some divorse is the only way to heal and free a person with autism from the real stress of life. Im a human. Im on earth. I cant travel to outerspace to reach a person while having to be on earth at the same time.
I appreciate your need to help these couples, you have a lot of empathy and kindness. What I have learned in a real life marriage with an asd man is that nothing will ever work if you are looking to change him. He can’t change for very long and will eventually go back to what his brain tells him to do. Autism is a severe disability and brain disorder. He will never be normal and there is no cure for autism. Either stay and focus on the good or leave. Counseling, therapy, psychiatry, begging, pleading and crying out for help with this man are all a waste of your life. The nt needs to wake up and shut their mouth and stop looking for more than he will and can give. There will be turmoil, hate, rage, unhappiness, physical and mental abuse and more, if you can’t accept him for the good he brings to your life. Sorry ladies, I speak from almost 40 years of experience and when I kept my mouth shut and let him be himself and never complained, those were the best years of our lives.😊
Step 1: ASD person needs to understand their own limits when it comes to their ability to simultaneously process emotion, language, and social cues, as all of these are necessary during the process of co-regulation that NTs need. Co-regulation is how you emotionally support a NT partner, and it is real work for someone with ASD to participate in. Step 2: The NT partner needs to have patience with the speed at which an autistic partner will be able to process and appear to be participating in a co-regulation event. Remember that emotional work is cognitive for a person with ASD, and they may not be able to respond “appropriately” with language, eye contact, or outward emotion if they are already busy empathizing and trying to listen to the words of content that accompany the emotion. Know that they are still there, still listening, and deeply feeling with their NT partner. Other things to be aware of: – An autistic’s go-to for a co-regulation event is likely to be problem solving. While not helpful for the NT, from their perspective, if the problem is solved then there is no need for all the work involved in trying to co-regulate. A better approach is to try active listening, which while a bit difficult at first, it is an easy method to produce language for responding to the NT (even if your social cues are delayed, we are assuming the NT is trying to have patience for your response). – A NT can help get the co-regulation they need by preparing someone with ASD, instead of the normal NT behavior of just walking in and dumping on a person whatever the emotional content is.
I’ve been married to my husband going on 5 years now and boy it has not been easy for either of us. I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 16 and I knew my husband was a little “off”. During our first year our arguments were getting bad and I told him he had to go see a doctor or I was going to leave so he did. The doctor diagnosed him with intermittent explosive disorder which I wasn’t really convinced of in the first place. He put him on an anti depressant which did help with his what I called “temper tantrums” but it wasn’t working out with this doctor he was listening to my husband. My husband stopped taking his meds a few months ago and again the “temper tantrums” started up again. Qnd it wasn’t until a recent fight were it started clicking in my brain that every time we got like this is was over things changing in the environment, me not doing something is a certain way, ect. I started researching adult autism and found this page and you describe everything that has been going on in our marriage. So right now we are waiting to get in with a new psychiatrist for him and investigate this further but I’m sure that I’ve finally found what it has been all this time. Thank you for having this website because as a nurse I know that a lot of the learning is going to have to come from my part. Qnd learning how to communicate effectively with my husband. I think why I haven’t left so far is because I have always know he really does try and he does really want to be a good husband he just doesn’t know how.
Jody, you are completely right. As the NT in the relationship, I watched this article about 8 months ago and tried so hard to keep it together. I supposed so did she. Therapy, love, and commitment did not work. my best attempts to salvage it failed in misery. The woman I loved and did my best for looks at me with contempt and disgust. There’s an endless tally of my wrong deeds, and the hood ones forgotten. I find myself looking forward to be free of her and broken hearted that 5 years of hard work led o Love did not conquer it all, and giving everything up to accommodate didn’t help much. Now I have to worry about a very acrimonious divorce and i feel my heart shattering. I have given m110% to this relationship and nothing worked. I wish everyone else better luck.
My Aspie husband has never learned boundaries with his adult children. We have 2 adult daughters living with us now, and he seems to think he can just march into their rooms and fiddle with the lights, fans, plug in deodorizers, tv; mess with their cars, etc. He doesn’t even want me using the oven inside the house, and now that he’s retired, he’s home ALL THE TIME, and quick to point out our mistakes which apparently are many. Oh, did I mention he’s an alcoholic?
I am married to an NT and I find that a lot of the comments are reverse. And perhaps a lot of the issues here are less NT be ND and more just RELATIONSHIP based. I am the autistic one. Yeah, I bring a LOT to the table but I want to help the relationship and my husband is still like some of the husbands mentioned and 10/10 he is neurotypical. Just a take y’all. Please view this as a person thing and not an autistic thing. K thanks
Communication is not the problem in these relationships. The NT person is emotionally attached and is able to resolve conflicts. The ASD person isn’t invested emotionally and doesn’t know how to resolve conflicts. The NT person must learn to live without the unspoken understanding that she is accustomed to in her other deep, meaningful relationships. She must teach her spouse everything. That is a mothering role, not a spouse role.
I am in a same sex marriage. I’ve been with my wife (who is undiagnosed Autistic/Asbperger’s) for 22 years. I didn’t realize she was on the spectrum until after we were married and after I came across an online questionnaire that showed she could be on the spectrum. She refuses to be tested officially, rejects counseling, and I still tailor all my activities around her “behaviors”. We haven’t been intimate for 9 years, rarely have physical contact or displays of affection. She constantly is speaking her thoughts, her experiences, watches her TV programs, buys her preferred grocery items. Sometimes I forget when I talk to her that she isn’t on the same page and I’m frequently disappointed when she misses the point in my conversation and I have to spell it out for her. I feel sad, mad guilty, but feel we would be better off apart. But, I hate to think how a divorce would turn her whole world upside down.
I am married to a man with autism. He has been a truck driver for over 12 years and we been married for 3 years. He has been gone on the road for months. I haven’t seen him and he doesn’t call at all. I have to call him to see if he is okay. I have been reading, perusal articles and all that. When I try and share with him he refuses to watch them or read more about it. I am very tired and I don’t know if I could continue to stay married. I feel alone and I can’t even talk to him about what I am dealing with. He can go days without speaking to me. Then when we do all he wants to do his drive and he mostly quiet on the phone.
Im autistic and my partner isnt. Ive been trying to hold this relationship and myself together for years, battling burnout and chronic health issues. He has zero curiosity about me or my inner world and treats every moment of authenticity from me as a personal slight or attack. Im done with trying to justfy or explain myself to him. He has put no effort into learning about me, even when i provide him with resources. I’ll die if I stay here.
Too late. Worse than divorce. Severe traumatic end. Didn’t help that we were married 42 years with him UNDIAGNOSED until he was 73. We had no idea. Tool 2 attempts at suicide to escape him. Unfortunately I failed. Instead I’m forced to end what few years I have left in utter suffering alone. I guess it’s not that much less suffering when I was with him but there were occasional respites of calm.
ASD and NT are adults and not to be a parent. At what point does the ASD retain skills to nurture the relationship? ASD feels pain and disappointment so why don’t they make efforts to invest more and not NT partner. Learned skills and effective communication needs to be initiated by ASD. NT can be supportive but not always make bigger investment
Ever since my wife received her ASD dx, she has been using it as an excuse for everything. Oh, I overspent because I don’t have a concept of money. I overslept because I have racing thoughts. I do not participate in cleaning the house because I like to do things on my own. I do not have a notion of truth as you do because I have ASD. I feel like a parent/ servant. My best efforts are disregarded and I am constantly taken for granted. I am hoping she gets her disability so she can move on. I know she is miserable in this marriage but she literally wrecked all my savings and has the nerve to threat me with a messy divorce.
I learned that I couldn’t handle dating someone like this. I was as patient as possible but one argument and I was stonewalled. And it wasn’t even an argument. It was me being direct in communication with what I thought would be a conversation on improving communication between us. It felt as long as I was adjusting “my” needs for someone elseāit was fine. I couldn’t request anything. It was a frustrating experience.
I really want to learn how to show more affection to people around me, I have ASD but I still feel empathy I just find it difficult to put into words and to show it. I hope that I can learn as many social skills as I can, I don’t like making people around me feel invalidated, I want to understand more
Word for Word! This is my marriage of 31 yrs to my man. Diagnosed only last year, this is definately a daily challange. Never hope for anything other than what has always been…just more challenging as we age. I do know, for sure, that in all ways he possibly can, he’ll be here with me & when he can, he’ll always be here to help me as long as I can simply state, step by step what I need. Why aren’t these things taught in highschool? No one ever tells you about the temporary “falling in love, fog” part of the precious way people are when they fall in love? How that beautiful fog is so blinding to the facts that are obvious to others and totally outside of my ability to have seen. They tried to tell me but I never felt so loved so I didn’t listen. I was seen & valued. Now, 30+ yrs later he’s amazing! I can trust him not to be unfaithful and trust him that he will NOT bring us home before dark when we’re fishing no matter how much he promises he would. Life is good, especially when I let go of my expetations. It can always be worse. 💖
I swear it would be SO hard to have serious discussions with my man. If I started crying, he’d just stare at me like he had no clue what was happening then try to abruptly change the subject by being funny or sometimes just shutting down. He doesn’t take criticism very well, however slight it may be. And emotionally it can feel lonely. That said, I know he loves me, he is incredibly smart, kind and really funny. It’s communication that requires work, and we’ve gotten better since we started working together.
Several years ago, I dated a man I had hard time connecting with. I couldn’t pinpoint it at the time but I always felt as though he was different. We were together for about 2 years. During that time, we’ve never had any long meaningful conversations. As I look back, I wonder if he had AS. We eventually broke up. I could no longer be in a dating relationship with a man who didn’t have the ability to build a strong bond with me on an emotional level. I felt so alone. I hope he’s well.
As an NT wife, I don’t doubt my neurodiverse spouse feels empathy. Nevertheless, I fail to feel that empathy, especially when I need it the most. I even drafted a list of what needs to be done to comfort in times of distress: hold my hand, hug me, tell me it’s going to be okay. However, even if I hand this to do list in my moments of distress, those actions were hardly ever taken. If taken, they felt robotic and forced. I stopped expecting emotional support from my spouse, I am comforted by my dogs and friends. My spouse and I might as well live in parallel universes, effort for connection and effort feels (and underscore the world feels) unilateral. I have no doubt that different people living under the umbrella of autism have different degrees of feeling and expressing empathy. In my humble opinion, the NT spouses who seek information on YouTube and anywhere are those who feel desperately deeply impacted by the failure in communication with their neurodiverse spouse. I always tell my spouse that I don’t understand how they fell but that I believe them. However, I don’t feel that my spouse believes me when I express my pain. In my case, their strategy seems to be averting eyes from me and quickly dissociating. You may wonder if I ever expressed my emotional needs: I did so, repeatedly, in all manners I could think of. Some got consideration for a while, but all have been eventually forgotten. I changed tactics and I asked what do I need to do to make things better and got vague responses such as we need to understand each other better.
My now suspected aspie ex actually left me as I was ‘too emotional and he just wasn’t’. He left me over text and it was written very clinically. He did this whilst at work, then turned his phone off. He messaged later to tell me he was sorting his brakes on his van and that I can meet him in a few days if I have any questions. This was devastating to me. I always suspected he was different and I was always so patient. Yet, he left for ridiculous reasons, like I wanted a cat and he didn’t when we were going to move in together. He had a crazy obsession with his independence and would never let me do anything for him. I was snapped at for wanting to do a load of washing for him, for wiping the sides in his kitchen and when I put his red bull in the wrong place in the fridge. Due to this, another reason why he left was his worry that ‘it would kill’ me to leave him alone if he was in a mood. This was madness to me; all he needed to do was tell me if that’s what he needed. I also got told I was controlling as I would pester him to book a doctors appointment about this massive lump on his eye that was there for the entirety of the relationship (being 7 months) and months before that too. I’ve never experienced trauma like this over a break up before. The issues that were so minute and so easily resolved were dealbreakers. I never turned to him for emotional support. I just knew he wasn’t there for it and I always felt crazy for just having feelings. It was hard as I was being evicted, I was worried about losing my animals as a result, I’m also trying to work a part time job and complete a full time degree.
My boyfriend of 3 years has autism and find the whole thing so frustrating. The biggest problem is communication! I honestly miss being in a relationship where I could have long meaningful conversations with my partner. If I ask him a question the only responses I get 9 times out of 10 is either “I don’t know” or “nothing”. This and him not meeting my emotional needs are why I want out of it
I just got out a relationship with someone that has ASD. It was really hard. I was constantly compromising & evolving, which I didn’t mind because I truly loved this man. I even went to therapy to improve myself. I did constant reading and researching on relationships with those who have Autism because I truly wanted to understand him and how he functions. In some ways I understood because I have ADHD. He was constantly calling me mean and not nurturing, which was really hurtful because I had always felt these were my strong suits. It felt like he was always nit-picking and trying to fight. I was constantly walking on eggshells. Oddly enough, he is becoming a therapist so I figured he would be more in tuned to his emotional side. When I told him I loved him and cared about him, his response was, “I don’t love you. I just like you.” At the end he said he couldn’t give me what I needed, even though I was willing to give him what he needed. I just asked for him to try and make me feel cared for. That’s it and I thought it was simple, but after listening to you & doing more research, I realized it wasn’t as easy as I thought. It felt like it was impossible for him to have any emotion. Probably one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve been through and probably one the most damaging experience.
I have high emotional IQ but I get overwhelmed and anxious by my partners emotional needs that feel more like neediness and being clingy and my own need to self regulate and decompress is compromised. I need a lot more time than most to be introspective and to connect with myself and my own thought processes when I don’t have this my executive functioning really takes a hit and I become less efficient, organized and productive. I also need time to process and digest my partners feelings, need for conversation and consistent connection and then additional time to process and digest what he’s needing and how I am able to adequately provide it without losing myself in the process
As an autistic person who has been in failed relationships, allow me to explain. I will never understand how you feel. Even if you tell me, you lack the ability to describe your emotions in a way I can understand. Your emotions don’t make any logical sense, and (from my perspective) they appear to lack object permanence: Your emotions one day might directly contradict your emotions in a relevantly similar context the next. And if I ask you to explain precisely how you felt the previous day and why, you probably can’t tell me. You could make something up, but you don’t actually remember the logical underpinnings of your emotions, because that’s not how your emotions work. But I’m getting ahead of myself. I don’t simply appear uninterested in your emotional state; I am uninterested in your emotional state, because I cannot perceive it. Nor can you perceive mine. If ever you think you are reading my body language or tone to determine how I feel, you’re wrong. You’re merely projecting how you would feel if those were your behaviours. That’s how you do it with other neurotypicals, but since you’re all relevantly similar to each other, that projection produces the right answer. Ask yourself this: Why do you expect me to be able to tell how you feel? Have I ever given you that impression? Or did you simply assume I could because “everyone” can? Do I have emotions? Yes. They happen inside my head, and they may not produce visible effects outside my head. Why would they? My emotions have no relevance outside my head.
I have found that ASD folks I know don’t have attuned and actionable empathy. Other people’s emotions make them act on their own behalf to self preserve their inner state. They don’t seem to have much of the kind of empathy that leads them to help the other person in a way that is appropriate to the other person, or even just have the capacity to stay present with the other person’s emotions. Although I’ve seen them act this out with strangers and acquaintances. But in close relationships, never. It can come across as narcissistic (though it’s differently motivated) and gaslighting is often used as well.
A guy I met at work (we no longer work together) have become close friends, and more than friends. Anyway, we’re both undiagnosed adults, and we overexplain stuff to each other and specify expectations and I’m highly fulfilled by him. I hope he is by me, too. My kids love him. I’d absolutely marry him.
My daughter is an aspie and she is caring and wonderful. Last year I had a brain aneuysum and she looked after me. At a very young age I taught her to be a good hostess to her friends and she watched me take care of my neighbor and other people. We focused on helping others while she grew up. Now she helps her other aspie friends out all the time. With that said she is not interested in being in a relationship or having kids. One day she will live with her blind friend in our house that we share together. My secret in raising a loving aspie was I pushed my needs onto her since I have fibromyalgia. We had to work as a team. It was not just about her and her needs growing up. Somethings took a long time to sink in but I stuck with it no matter what until she changed and gave in to me. I never got preachy either. I stayed positive and she got spoiled with fun activities with friends. I used alot of patience and reintroduced things to her. My daughter was alot of work and a full time job but now at 24 years old she is a wonderful human being who knows her limits which is most important and uses good judgement. We love our life together and the people in it.
Im a high functioning aspie since age 5 myself I dated many exs my struggle is communcation not seeing the signs of when a girl likes me but at the same time currently speaking I’m being rejected left and right because I be honest and tell girls about it and they block me ghost me or just dont know how to handle me or understand my disorder esp my ex of 7 years she didn’t get me at all and why I had to did things a certain way so now I feel no girl wants me because of my disorder I feel like I’m being labled over it
I think it takes someone who’s extremely comfortable with themselves inside and out to love someone who’s high functioning. My husband is an Aspie and I truly love him more than anything, despite his being almost totally unavailable to me, emotionally. But I myself have been extremely physically ill my entire life (I’m a dialysis patient) and feel as though it’s taken a very special person to love me and handle all of my life threatening issues as well. My husband does that because his ASD just won’t allow him to make a huge deal out of things when I’m sick, like my anxious NT mind does. So essentially he helps keep me calm during times of crisis. In turn, I do all I can to try and be understanding and just be there for my husband, even though I have no idea what it’s like to be ASD and he has no idea what it’s like to be NT. We just make it work, I guess. lol 🤷āāļø
I have the EQ but not the sensory stamina, on rare occasions I do but generally the longer I engage outside what is comfortable to me the longer it will be before I recover and can return to being over stimulated. I finally was able to communicate my need for mellow conversation that isn’t fueled by pressured speech or excessive intensity which de-regulates me very quickly. This is even the case with my talkative clients vs the ones that come in and want peace and quiet too. I can do about 5-6 quiet clients and the physical labor is tolerable at the end of a long day I don’t feel like I’ve been hit by a truck like I do with one caffeinated client that talks for entire three hours I practically need someone to take me home in a gurney!!!! Because I’m able on some occasions and then switch to shut down mode for days even weeks in end can be really confusing to him! He loves the me that’s in 4th gear and is able to talk for 3-4 hours but more often than not I’m in 2nd gear and if he is in 4 I’ll end up with insomnia all night! I can’t drink caffeine anymore, whereas my Fiance’ enjoys coffee and energy drinks and I can tell instantly like I feel a threat coming that’s about to suck the life out of me and I’ll be a mess for several days and can barely function. When I’m regulated and in my zone I can get a lot done and refer to my calendar to stay on track, once my executive functioning takes a hit I’ll start making wrong turns in areas I know like the back of my hand and running red lights, can barely execute one task because my brain feels fried and it’s almost like the months following the 22 bilateral shocks I had over 8 years ago!
What would be the solution to this? I have this problem with my friend all the time, we’ve gotten into so many fights over it and have been trying to figure out what to do. Does the person with autism need to change or do they need accommodation. Is it possible to actually learn to me more emotionally empathetic? Ive heard mixed answers. Is there a way to meet eachothers emotional needs? Or is it something that has no solution? Sorry for so many questions but I’m at a lost and reaching a breaking point.
I met this guy who told me he was autistic he seamed amazing at first we started romantically getting close I told him I couldn’t have children from the get go he was amazing about it saying we could adopt he was always telling me he loved me even though it was only a few weeks we kinda dated for 2 months. Christmas Day 2022 his brother and his gf announced they were expecting my bf dumped me Boxing Day saying he want kids of his own I was heart broken I felt useless a a female not being able to give him that. Anyway we sorted things out after a long chat and things were amazing again how ever a week ago he dumped me again because it was going to slow he wanted to move in by the end of the year he just wanted to rush everything he gave up on us I had plans for Valentine’s Day. My bf showed non of these he was the opposite of what you were saying he was a narcissist I’m doing NC now for the time being I’m autistic and I’m not anything like this he’s a liar aswell 😔😔😢
I wish I knew I had Asperger’s and I could communicate what was going on inside my head to my ex. I told him when I needed space but he would assume I wanted to cheat, even though I really made an effort to express my love to him. I should have told him I still loved him I just needed time to process life, I wish neurotypical people were more considerate and understanding.
I could really use some other peeps that understand this. My ex made me feel crazy and too emotional. Like my feelings were never understood or validated. Loneliest feeling ever. I believe i developed OTRS because of her lack of emotional intelligence. She said she thought empathy was people lying to each other. We dated for 3 years and she said she only grieved for 2 days. 2 days! People with autism deserve love like anyone else but I would kindly ask to be extremely careful when being with an NT person if you have autism because it greatly impacted my mental wellbeing. Maybe find a therapist/ couples counselor that has prior knowledge of the condition. When possible i think all parties involved would be happiest dating within their own neuro type if possible. The emotional skills needed in relationships are so important and the lack of them can cause incredible damage.
My ASD ex is undiagnosed but she told me many times that she does have Autism. She has empathy in a lot of regards but has terrible communication skills. She would be empathic in some ways but not in others. Almost anything I’d bring up pertaining to us, she’d mostly give me the silent treatment, would try to deflect or lash out at me. I mentally can’t even put it together. I know she has a diagnosis of OCD but I feel that Autism explains much of her behavior, not the OCD.
I don’t blame you. I am a female and have endured 3 years of abuse. Yelling, endless abusive texts, gaslighting, threats of how he going to hurt me, continual talking over me and dismissing my ideas. Calling me dumb. Refusing to do anything constructive (i know he can’t) but my constructive ideas are roundly rejected. It’s a nightmare and not what I got on Tinder for. When we move house, he won’t know my new address.
Wow, this has been very interesting. I am not alone! The article has been eye opening. Trouble is, there is nothing an NT can do. You can’t change the aspie, you can only change how you react to what you are going through. I had written quite a long dissertation in the comments after I had read some of the replies, but I accidentally deleted all I had written for the past two hours. But the writing, or at least letting my feelings out was somewhat therapeutic. I have decided to take matters into my own hands and satisfy my own emotional needs and desire to have intelligent conversation with anther human being every now and then. First I will seek counseling for my own mental well being. Then I will contact some of my girlfriends and college buddies and suggest we start getting together for girls’ trips! My aspie Hubble will be right on the couch where I left him happily exercising the remote!
I mean no disrespect to anyone with Asperger’s or Autism Spectrum (AS) Disorder but as a Neurotypical (NT) it’s very, I mean VERY difficult being in a relationship with one. Everything the blogs or articles say about NT-AS relationships were spot on in my relationship with a woman on the spectrum. To be in such a relationship is to expect to not have the typical fundamental expectations and fulfillment’s in a relationship. To add to my frustration was her lack of cleanliness/hygiene. Today we are just friends and that’s how I rather it be. It was definitely a learning experience because I never knew about ASD prior to my dating her and I’m so freaking glad I was never married to her. I actually feel sorry for the NT-AS marriages because it’s hell for the NT partner in the relationship. The AS partner is chilling in his or her own world.
I’d say his perspective is more than an oversimplification, it’s overtly neurotypical centric and pathology based. A different perspective is that neurodivergent individuals communicate more easily among one another because they experience environment and interaction similarly. Neurodivergent people are different, not less than neurotypical people. Most great minds in STEM are neurodivergent. Are neurotypical people disabled creatively and intellectually? Nope, just wired differently. Think about it as we’re of a very different culture and need to understand and respect the differences to better get along. No bad behavior on either side gets a pass.
Me iam high functioning but my problem is i can pick up on things most normal people cant. so me i stand my ground if i think iam not good enough in a relationship ill just leave. But with in 5 minutes after the breakup i forget about the person I can like turn off a switch and firget about that person friend ditched after being friends for over 20years and i just turned off that switch and firgot about him.
ASD+NT Couples resources: — Living with ASD – eBook and Audio Instruction for Neurodiverse Couples: livingwithaspergerspartner.com/ — One-on-One Skype Counseling for Struggling Individuals & Couples Affected by ASD: adultaspergerschat.com/2019/07/skype-counseling-for-struggling-couples.html — Group for ASD Men Struggling in Their Relationship with an NT Spouse: adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-asd-men-struggling-in-their.html — Group for Neurotypical Women Struggling in Their Relationship with an ASD Spouse: adultaspergerschat.com/2020/11/group-for-nt-women-struggling-in-their.html — Online Group Therapy for Neurodiverse Couples Affected by Autism Spectrum Disorder: adultaspergerschat.com/2020/10/mark-hutten-m.html — Recovery from Cassandra Syndrome – Counseling for Neurotypical Spouses: cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/2021/08/recovery-from-emotional-deprivation-for.html — ASD Men’s MasterClass: asdmasterclass.com/2022/02/asd-mens-masterclass.html Parenting resources: — Preventing Meltdowns and Tantrums in Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder: autism-meltdowns.com/ — Discipline for Defiant Teens on the Autism Spectrum: myaspergersteen.com/ — Launching Adult Children with ASD Level 1: How to Promote Self-Reliance: launchingadultchildren.com/ — Teaching Social Skills and Emotion Management to Kids on the Spectrum: social-skills-emotion-management.
Is true for girls on the autism spectrum with mail none autistic partner because it sounds like it is aleast for our relationship I’m always being told that’s something I thirteen years old would to a twelve year old would do or sixteen years old would do but I get told by counsolers Im above average intelligence
My Aspie companion is chronologically immature in romantic relationships and unable to have deep conversations and his follow you is poor on making me feel wanted and special. And don’t realize the weekend is for dating and doing fun activities. He only wanted to keep his previous relationship with family and child that lives with ex wife. 7 years being divorced and he don’t bring a new women around his family or friends.
Man these comments are just not it. I’m autistic and I keep seeing people say we “don’t have empathy ” or “have no emotions”. Trust me we do. We have a different way of showing it and showing love. A lot of “normal” couple things feel too intimate or uncomfortable for autistic people so we have different ways of showing we love you like for example doing little tasks that may not seem a lot but hey u get what u get if u chose to date a ND. It takes a lot of open mindedness and patience and also understanding. We don’t pick up on other’s emotions as fast as NT do so don’t get annoyed when we’re trying to process how your feeling and how to respond. I also see people in the comments try to mould their autistic partners to fit what a NT relationship is and I’ll tell you rn stop. We’re so tired of trying to fit inside your box. If your too impatient to date a ND then don’t date one. Period.
Dated a Guy for 5 months like this, as soon as I figured it out I was completely done. I didn’t bother explaining anything, I offered no closure and I responded to no messages, I completely ghosted him. I feel so dumb for wasting 5 months of my life on him but reading these comments and seeing that many people have spent, 5,10,15,20,25,30,35,40 YEARS in relationships like the one I was in for 5 months is WILD! Wtf are you all thinking?
Yes my husbands family all had aspergers. The mother didn’t work, she had strange body language and three of her children, I married eldest so he was distant from the start. Never knew where I was with our relationship. He was always late didn’t care either. Very distant work was his obsession. He never took responsibility for his actions ever, cheated on me with a stranger in another country too. Never said sorry. Very accident prone. Sneaky, never believed in birthdays or Christmas. J witness mother and very naive woman who did not go to high school. His genetic pool was so bad our son was born with holes in the heart. Not a normal family and had to let them go after my husband died all nasty people with undiagnosed problem. Very mean covetous people hoarding and very mouthy all of them.