The average frequency of sex in a marriage is typically once a week, but having sex less than ten times a year can qualify a marriage as a sexless one. Age and sex are the two factors that have the strongest effect on sex frequency. Americans in their 20s have sex about twice per week, which is sufficient for couples to maintain happiness. However, there is no numerical standard for couples in committed relationships, as factors like gender, individual expectations, developmental maturity, and cultural differences all affect the numbers.
A 2017 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that Americans, whether partnered or not, have sex once a week on average. A married couple should get intimate around 51 times a year, which turns out to be once a week, to lead a satisfying and fulfilling marriage. As couples enter their 70s, they embark on a new chapter where love and physical intimacy can take on a renewed significance.
The “honeymoon effect” refers to the decline in intercourse frequency in the beginning of a marriage, which has been found in several past studies. In Islam, consummation of marriage occurs when the couple spends some time after the marriage in seclusion and privacy. The frequency of sexual intercourse and interpersonal negativity predict both husbands and wives’ sexual satisfaction, with positive behaviors also tied to husbands’ satisfaction.
Sex and its frequency also require compromise, but studies show that a weekly frequency is good enough to keep a marriage happy. The International Society for Sexual Medicine states that there is no “normal” frequency of sex, provided everyone in the relationship is engaged.
📹 FREQUENCY OF SEXUAL INTERCOURSE AND ABSTINENCE
How long should be the abstinence to improve sperm count.
How often should a husband sleep with his wife?
Experts say that once a week is common. That statistic depends on age. 40- and 50-year-olds average about once a week, while 20- to 30-year-olds average about twice a week.
How often should couples go to bed together?
There are many ways to make your marriage stronger. Date nights, gratitude, and good communication help. But one of the easiest and most effective habits is going to bed together. If you can’t do it every night, do it a few times a week. Many couples go to bed at different times. Many couples stop going to bed together after three and a half years. Couples should go to bed at the same time. Here’s why. Why is it important for couples to go to bed together? Marriages end because of lack of connection and intimacy, especially after 10-12 years. Not sleeping together can make you feel lonely and detached. Couples need to go to bed together to cuddle and connect. A study found that most people feel relaxed and nurtured when they go to bed together.
How often should married couples have alone time?
Experts say you should spend 70% of your time with your partner and 30% apart. You should spend 70% of your time together and 30% apart. During the time apart, you do your own thing. You can keep doing your hobbies and interests with other people. 70/30 is a guideline. It’s a great place to start. You may need more or less space in your relationship. Talk to your partner about what’s best for both of you.
Too much alone time can be challenging. Figuring out a healthy balance of couple time and alone time can be hard. Too much time together can feel suffocating. But too much time apart can make one or both partners feel neglected.
Planning and talking are important for healthy relationships. Weekly check-ins let you and your partner talk about how you want to spend time together and apart. Check-ins help you stay on task, set boundaries, and work out compromises to make sure everyone’s needs are met.
How often should a wife pleasure her husband?
How often should you have sex? Levkoff says there’s no normal amount of sex. All relationships are different. Normal is whatever feels good for you and your partner, and communication is key to making sure both parties feel good. A 2017 study found that adults have sex about once a week. This is less sex than in the 1990s. Another study found that once a week is the happy medium for happiness. Couples who had sex more than once a week were no happier, and those who had sex less than once a week felt less fulfilled. Normal is whatever feels good for you and your partner. Communication is key to making sure both parties feel fulfilled.
The Importance of Sexual Intimacy. Sexual intimacy is important in any relationship.
How often should a married couple have intercourse?
How often should married couples have sex? There’s no right or wrong number of times to have sex. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters. If you want to have sex more and aren’t sure how often, try having sex once a week. A 2015 study found that couples who have sex weekly are happiest. More frequent sex is linked to greater happiness, but this link disappears at more than once a week. It’s important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you don’t need to have sex every day. But Kerner says you should focus on what makes you and your partner happy, not just the research. Focusing too much on numbers can make you forget the most important part of your sex life: quality.
How often should I be sleeping with my husband?
You’re probably normal. If you’re happy with the number of times you have sex, that’s the right amount. Research shows that having sex more than once a week may make sex less enjoyable. Quality is as important as quantity. Marriage is more about satisfaction and connection than how often you have sex. Well-being, positive emotions, and sex are all connected. Mutual respect is a big factor in sexual satisfaction. People in research studies said they want better sex lives.
How often should a husband touch his wife?
Research shows that 8 to 10 meaningful touches a day help maintain physical and emotional health. Studies show that touch signals safety and trust and soothes. Physical touch benefits you and your marriage. Your relationship depends on many things, and physical touch is one of them. Even if you’re not an affectionate person, you can still give meaningful touches without feeling smothered or irritated. Remember that touch signals safety and trust, two things that are important in marriage. If you make physical touch a priority, it will benefit you and your marriage.
Related: To increase intimacy in your marriage, know this:
How often should I hang out with my wife?
Honor individual preferences. Everyone has different needs and lifestyles. Some couples like to have their independence during the work week and enjoy a weekly dinner date on Fridays. Other couples may want more intimacy, so they could plan three date nights a week. “Couples should consider how much companionship they want and need to decide how many date nights they need,” psychologist Yasmine Saad says. “How much time away from their routine do they need to keep the spark alive?” Sometimes one partner wants more quality time, while the other wants more alone time. To avoid arguments and keep your relationship strong, talk to your partner about what you need.
Check your schedule. Think about your schedule too. Instead of trying to meet a certain number of dates, make sure your dates fit into your schedule. “If it’s easy and convenient, the dates will probably continue,” McKinney says. You won’t have to worry about balancing your busy lives with a dating schedule.
What is the 777 rule in marriage?
The 777 Rule says you should go on a date every seven days, go away for the night every seven weeks, and go on a romantic holiday every seven months. It might sound too strict, but we get the point. If you don’t maintain the wheels, the car will break down. You don’t have to rebuild a relationship to use the 777 Rule. You might just want to keep it going, or you might want to use it in other areas of your life.
Relationship maintenance. Every seven days, you change into something less loose. Every seven weeks, you do something about your upper lip and toenails. Every seven months, you book a table for two in the pub and don’t talk about one of the seven topics you’ve agreed not to. These will vary, but will generally include: why you listened to Porky Burlington about the mortgage and not Us; and why are we going to your third cousins wedding in Stornaway when we could have been staying with the Whatsits in Greece?
📹 What To Do When You Have A High Sex Drive And Your Partner Doesn’t #MarriedToATherapist
What To Do When You Have A High Sex Drive And Your Partner Doesn’t #MarriedToATherapist // So what do you do when your …
This is such an important topic! I’m a woman with a rather high sex drive, and many times I have felt like I’m being like a child who enjoys being thrown up in the air and demands it from their parent even though the parent is already dead tired. I just felt like I was annoying and pushy but at the same time I couldn’t help but feel insecure about my partner’s feelings toward me when I didn’t get enough. Sometimes I get really angry at myself for not being able to just turn it off and be more level headed about it.
Oh Jono, I love it when you’re vulnerable. Not only are you (and Alan) de-bunking the stereotype of toxic masculinity and allowing an honest and open space for communication, understanding, compassion, and love but you’re also speaking to an audience of demisexual people as well who are not as advertised or as well known on the sexuality spectrum. Thank you for your healthy and kind representation. <3
I totally get the “I’m not super feeling it but I’m not opposed to it.” Having sexual trauma in my past means that often I don’t want to be touched sexually, the vulnerability of that isn’t something I can always cope with. But, more often than not I’m happy to make my partner feel good, and spend time cuddling afterwards. Its a way of getting connected and feeling intimate for both of us without triggering me.
You know what? I think it’s the first time I hear anyone mention the fact that it’s okay to have different sexual needs. It’s a tough subject to talk about (especially online) and it leads to exposing your feelings bare. I won’t be the only one in here to say this – thank you for posting this article! It means a lot to hear you guys talk about it and it definitely gives something to think about. And to talk about 😉
Thank you. I also tended to be the wife with the high libido, while my husband’s is strongly affected by his mood, stress level, and many other factors. I’ve grown to understand that him turning me down is not rejecting me and rarely has anything to do with me, but it’s still a struggle as I have unhealthy value attached to sexual acceptance. The societal expectation and misconception that the man is “always in the mood” caused a lot of pain for us both. We’re working on it.
I relate to this SO MUCH!!! My husband and I have suffered on this front for most of our 25 years. Despite having had sexual trauma as a kid, I have always had a much higher sex drive. Even when we were dating as teenagers, I was ready to go at just about any moment, but not him. I already struggled with an eating disorder and abuse from most people in my family, bullying at school, and plenty of self-hatred, so feeling rejected by him was gut-wrenching. He has always sworn it’s not me, it’s him, but that gets old after a while, y’know? I used to cry myself to sleep at times after getting all dolled up – hair, makeup, everything shaved below my neck, lingerie… and he would be completely uninterested. How can you NOT take that personally? I would pray to God to take my libido away. Or at least down to my husband’s level. This made my husband feel very sad and guilty, which turned him off even more, and… Yeah. Well, I finally got my wish. I’m pretty sure I’m going through early menopause, and my libido has tanked. Even then, I’m STILL revving at a higher libido RPM than he is, and we’re down to sex every 2 months on average! I try, I try SO hard to logic my rejection sensitivity away. He’s not feeling good about himself, he’s freaking with a lot of stress at work, we’re not eating well… Still. And if he does go for it, I usually feel like he’s only doing it out of pity or guilt, and that makes me feel like it’s against his will, and then I feel like a sexual abuser, which triggers me into shutting down.
My wife and I struggled with this very issue for about 20 years. We faced a lot of issues revolving around essentially a “sexless marriage”. The information you give here is excellent, however I’d like to add that the two of you should speak to their respective sexual health providers as well. For instance, after the birth of our son (20 years ago) my wife ended up bouncing from one form of Birth Control to another, until we settled on the IUD called Mirena. At the time, we were told it’s safe, effective, and will not cause any changed in sexual drive. This was wrong. We struggled over the course of the last 2 decades, until recently it came time to change out the IUD. She opted for Sterilization via Fallopian Clips, and inside of 6 weeks her libido exploded. She became that young 20-year old girl I’d known all those years ago. My point is, it’s healthy to maintain the line of communication with your partner (that’s the #1 focus for any relationship) and consider the possibility of coping with this issue, please keep in mind that it may not be solely psychological. Ones health, Hormones, and many many other factors come into play, most of which can and should be addressed with your PCP and your Genitourinary Specialist as well. And remember, it’s ok to feel uneasy discussing these issues with your doctors. If the conditions were rare, there wouldn’t be so many specialists out there that specialize in reproductive health. Good luck to everyone.
First of all, thank you for being so vulnerable and teaching through it! I am a demisexual, panromantic, non-binary person. But I am so glad to see demisexuality in also a heterosexual relationship, as it often gets told to me that its just ‘one of those lgbtq things that they made up’. Also the insecurities were very very relatable to me and Im grateful for your strength to talk about them! Have a lovely day, take care!
Thank you for being so open on this website! As an asexual, it’s still so weird to me to hear allosexual people go “I want it all the time, I can’t do without!” It’s such a weird concept to me 😅 At the same time, I’m always happy to hear others talk about sexual drive because it helps me understand a little better. So thank you for explaining this and talking about this topic, it also helps me understand the “closer” (?) perspective better
It’s so refreshing to see a man willing to acknowledge a lower sex-drive than his wife. Thank you Jono for your vulnerability and openness. You were checking pretty much all the boxes I’ve experienced in my own journey (with a few minor exceptions) and not just sexually. I’m also a therapist and have had those moments of feeling like an impostor because of my own insecurities and struggles. Also, not a pity compliment, you’re a super handsome guy. I thought that the first time I watched an episode of Cinema Therapy. I just want to verbalize it because I think it’s good to hear that acknowledged rather than being left unsaid.
14:20 made me choke up. I completely identify with her position and it can also be heartbreaking to see your partner, whom you love and cherish, feeling insecure. And the feeling of rejection if real. Put on top of that an undercurrent of shame for being a very sexual woman. It’s not an easy position for either partner. Thank both of you for opening up and sharing this story. You’re a beautiful couple.
That one of the issues in my relationship (along with my insecurity). My boyfriend doesn’t seem to have that much of sexual desire, and as soon as the schedule gets busy he basically turns off. I try not to be pressing about it expecially because I don’t want to enforce the all “you male you ready to sex every time”. But lets say that after months of nothing I’m starting to suffer. But it’s diffucult, you can’t just ask a person to have sex. They may even do it, but you can feel they aren’t ACTUALLY there
I love y’all. “Vulnerability is courage.” Your candor is appreciated. I think you have lovely eyes Johnathan, and a really cute smile! One of those ‘makes everyone around you smile’ smiles. I think part of why Alisha might get more comments is that as a woman I feel more comfortable complimenting another woman without it being misconstrued. Our society has so overly sexualized male/female interactions that I am sometimes more reluctant to compliment men (unless I know they’re gay) because I don’t want to give the wrong impression. That’s gone badly before. Both in the case of a single man thinking I was flirting, and of a partner getting jealous thinking I was interested. It seems to create more awkward and difficult situations.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing on this subject. I was the woman with the high sex drive in my marriage and I came to feel a lot of shame over it. At one point we were in counseling and I finally had the courage to bring it up with the therapist, who was a man. He turned to my husband and basically said I was beautiful and he should feel ashamed for not wanting to bang me. Ugh. Talk about toxic masculinity and a missed opportunity to talk about what was really going on.
This conversation is so important, especially to me. I identify strongly with Jonathan’s position. I’ve always had a much lower sex drive than most of my partners. Even with my partner now, this is an issue. We benefit from open, trusting communication. My partner is a femme-presenting non-binary person who is also a SW who has a very high sex drive, while I deal with a low sex drive biologically and due to the psych medications I take. I can also be very touch adverse at times, which is associated with my potential place on the autism spectrum. To reiterate the advice from this article, being vulnerable about myself and my feelings and challenges has made all the difference in not making my partner feel rejected. We often find other ways to be intimate and together (watching a movie, snuggling, and I often read aloud to them). There are times that we have sex that I’m not capable of being physically aroused, but I can be the giver instead by participating in play that doesn’t include penetrative intercourse. The biggest factor, still, is working together and communicating. Finding ways for us both to be satisfied while respecting each other’s boundaries and renewing consent. We also watch a lot of these articles together as a way to learn and find great starting of points for conversations. Thank you so much for the work you’re doing with this website.
It’s crazy to me that men and women are raised so differently. Most men feel “inferior” if they are in a supportive role while women are raised to see that as more of a privilege. The sadness on your face when you said that you were more like the stereotypical “woman” in the relationship broke my heart. I wish for everyone to grow up and proudly be their authentic self without shame.
As a clinical sexologist and somatic therapist, I’m so happy you are talking about this Jono, and I’m grateful to both of you for your courage and vulnerability. One of my specialties is working with couples with different levels of interest in sex, and I can safely say that about a quarter to a third of my heterosexual couples are ones where the female partner has the higher libido. Clinically, this is a lot more common than we realize. There can be so many reasons why a person’s interest in sex may be lowered. Trauma, chronic stress, performance-related anxiety, depression, relational issues, being on the asexual spectrum, lack of sexual skills in themselves and their partner, poor communication, not feeling safe, not having clear boundaries – I could go on and on. This dynamic is not easy when it’s the female partner who experiences lower libido, but it’s even more emotionally charged and challenging when the gender roles are reversed. I also want to validate what you say about people sometimes using sex to feel connected, and I’ll add to that, as a somatic therapist, that many men use sex – this includes self-pleasuring as well as partner sex – as a way to regulate their nervous system from anxiety and stress. I say men especially because men are socialized to shy away from self-care, aren’t typically taught the skills of emotional self–regulation and distress tolerance, and on top of that are socialized to see women as sources of unpaid emotional labor and support. Often the answer lies in both supporting and validating their desire for sex, while also teaching them the regulation skills that will help them feel more consistently supported and give them a better capacity for connection to themselves and their partner.
I am so happy that you talked about this. I’m a demisexual and my partner has a high libido, so when we started dating he started thinking that I didn’t find him attractive because I didn’t feel the urge to have sex as often as he did. I had to explain to him what demisexual was, and for a long time he didn’t really understand. Eventually, we got into this strange routine where I would humor him and show him what I needed for sex to happen or would go through with sex to help him feel loved. After a while of that, I was able to get him to understand that sex wasn’t why we loved each other. I love him more than anyone else. He’s so much more understanding now than when we first started dating that I am so happy we were able to overcome that obstacle. Now he goes out of his way to do little sincere gestures and give more sensual emotional buildup to those moments. I do try to give him more opportunities for him to lead towards the deed, and we both end up having a good time. <3
I had a conversation with my wife about this roughly 6 months ago. I have the higher sex drive and I started feeling unwanted, and unloved after all the rejections piled up on top of each other. I started having anxiety problems (I’ve never had them before) and feeling like I wasn’t enough. I finally opened up to her and told her I was going to stop trying to initiate sex because I couldn’t handle the rejections anymore and that I needed to work on myself but that if she wanted it she could initiate. It still hurts but it has been getting better and I’m still working on myself. Right now it’s small steps.
It’s interesting that Jono says some people will say sex every 72 hours isn’t that much. For me, someone who is periodically hypersexual and has spent literally hundreds on sex toys and gear, that is actually still quite frequent. It’s all a matter of perspective, I know, but it still really makes me wonder what society’s general expectations are and if they’re not just a liiittle too high?
Jonathan and Alicia, I cannot recommend highly enough the book by sex therapist Sarah Hunter Murray, “Not Always in the Mood.” It is the deepest dive into the intricacies of male desire, written with such tenderness and such sensitivity. Also I am so glad to hear you come out as demisexual. I also demi/Ace.
I’m a higher drive than my husband. We’ve had to have a lot of conversations over the past 8 years. He can go a month without and I feel the need once or twice a week. Things have much improved in the last four years for both of us🥰 As far as go to emotions, I’m definitely in the anger range 😅 if I’m sad, I go straight to anger, nervous, embarrassed.. straight to anger.
I only recently came out as Asexual, as it took me a while to figure out what exactly that meant for me. My boyfriend and I regularly have conversations about how we can meet each other’s needs, but sometimes I find myself not upholding my end of the deal and that causes me a lot of stress and anxiety. Mostly because I’ve broken a promise and not because I have to do something that I don’t want to do; sex is just so far out of my brain that I forget and then I realize its been like a month since he and I had any intimacy. I could go the rest of my life happily without sex, but as you said, I may not be feeling it but I’m not opposed to it because I want to make him happy. Every day is a journey and another step towards a stronger relationship. Thank you for this article, I needed this.
Thank you for sharing this. I have experienced so so so much shame from other people because of my “low libido”. I have been told multiple times that I am a bad wife and that I’m not a real “Christian” because I never wanted to have sex with my husband as much as he wanted. It’s been such a traumatic journey. I was sexually abused as a child, then almost raped as a teen and then actually raped as an adult. The sexual trauma is deep and people are so quick to judge others without having a clue of what they’ve been through. Ps: I’m not saying this to say that those with low libido have some sort of issue, I’m just speaking of my experience how my sexual trauma made me terrified of sex
Being a healer personality and “needing to feel loved before I can feel sexual” that really hit home because I also relate a lot to being Demisexual. I always feel safe when perusal your articles and if it was anyone else talking about this subject I would’ve scrolled by fast and tried to forget it ever existed because it’s too painful to watch. Being SA’d creates even more issues around sex so thank you for talking about this.
Hey! Thank you for this open and lovely article! My partner (now husband) and I struggled because of this. I even left him once after 8 years because I felt so unseen and hurt (even though he was always loving), because our sex drives were extremely different – and have been for a majority of those 8 years. But that separation was the best thing that could happen to us. It was just 1 month, but that was enough to change our communication. We started to have the talks you two mentioned in this article, he heard me and it was amazing. So we got married 2 Months ago and have grown and healed so much together. So for anyone who is struggling at the moment with this: You can grow together and find each other <3
To be honest, I don’t see beauty in a person with their looks. I see a person who deserves to be listened to and judged on their personality. Beauty can hide a whole multitude of sins. But thank you for this article, it helped to explain my last relationship and what I was experiencing when I had no idea how to explain why I felt what I felt when being intimate. I think I am demisexual because I do feel physical attraction but I don’t feel it immediately.
I’m a high libido woman and recently ended my almost perfect relationship with my partner of 2 years because of the sexual incompatibility. I tried leaning into tantric sex, I stopped initiating and told him why, I expressed my needs and we’d agree to a compromise that he could not consistently follow through on, I tried just pleasuring myself next to him while holding him (an oddly lonely and humiliating feeling), I tried loving him in all the ways he needed but in the end it didn’t change. I accepted that pushing him wasn’t fair to him and suppressing myself wasn’t fair to me. A partner is more than a friend-because of sex. I miss him, but I missed me more and I’m the One I have to live with until my dying breath.
First of all, I can’t thank you guys enough for being so vulnerable to put this out there to help other people because you pretty much just described by own relationship. Same gender Roles and healing journey story and everything – almost verbatim … and you two gave fabulous advice from both perspectives, and you are right – all that matters is the love and especially the communication so that love is understood. I’m still taking it day by day and I’m not married but we are on the way there and feel like that already after seven years but at the same time it’s still hard for me because on the plus side you guys every three days and that’s amazing. I’m talking like once a month here.!!!! so at least you guys can laugh at that, I’d killl for every 3 days let Alone a week. But the Love is there and we are working on our communication. Thank you again for making me feel like I’m not so alone out here. And you guys are very inspiring and quite a beautiful couple.
As an aroace person who has trauma around the concepts of marriage and sex and is rebuilding what it means for me to want a relationship, I got choked up listening to this. Thank you so much for being vulnerable about your struggles. I’ve been terrified that if I ever do get married or in a relationship, that because I’m aroace my partner is gonna feel unloved or like I don’t need him or like I’m cold to him because romance/romantic norms/stereotypes makes me uncomfortable and sex makes me ill. Hearing you open up about your struggles (but also opening up about being aspec aaaah!!!) was so healing. It’s good to hear I’m not alone and there is a path of honest communication and hope if I ever decide to go down the path of a relationship. You guys worked it out and are happy. I was starting to think I never would. You guys give me hope. It’s so comforting to see one of the internet dads is like me. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for this. I have complex sexual trauma, and I didn’t know until now how badly I needed to hear and internalize “it’s connection” until hearing it. I paused the episode, I was so staggered the cat got up and started doing his “are you okay hooman” concern pats/meows (cats care so much about their big dumb roomies, it’s so pure). I am an exvangelical AFAB man who grew up in a series of toxic churches. I understood sex as a duty I was supposed to perform from childhood, and I have been coping with how incredibly damaging that was to me. I wasn’t taught “sex is a connection”, I was taught “sex is a sin until it is an inevitability”. I was fully indoctrinated that I was going to get married and give my husband sex every night of my life from then on, because that was what good women did, and if you weren’t a good woman, you would go to Hell. I would really love to see you speak to damage caused by toxic religion on your website. I am not against religion, I have kept a modified version of my childhood beliefs, but rather, the places where the church, simply…failed us. There’s a lot of us out here raised in cults waking up to the damage they caused, you would definitely have a lot of clients! Again, thank you so much. I can’t afford therapy and your websites have helped me so, so much in recovering from Circumstances, my life is better with your work in it! (Also…3 days? I’m a once a week fella, and I consider myself very “active”. Virility is a quality in a person, not a quantity. I’m so sorry cis guys have to deal with that, it has to be absolutely unreasonable pressure <\\3)
That quiver in the voice as he said this, felt that he was about to break crying at some points, it felt super vulnerable and super honest and while I can’t relate to feeling that way (needing an emotional connection to be able to feel comfortable with a physical one) I can understand it and I respect you for being able to say this. Also I love how much she is supporting him through this, holding his hand and looking at him… I honestly hope I can someday have a partner that makes me feel this supported. Love you both.
Thank you for being vulnerable and making this article. I’ve been perusal your cinema therapy series and have grown to really trust what you have to say about mental health and relationships. So the fact that I like and respect you as a professional and as a person… makes this topic so much easier to digest. It’s a topic that’s very personal to me. It’s something I’ve had to tackle in my own relationship and it has not been easy for either of us especially given our differences in upbringing, sex education, sex drive, and the societal pressure we get from being a “man” or “woman”. I’m happy that we’re at a place now, where we can start deconstructing this idea that our relationship with sex “should be” a certain way because of our role as a man/woman. You guys are brave and this article really matters to me and alot of other people, I’m sure.
Thank you so much for being so honest and vulnerable about this, especially you, John. I nearly cried as I watched you explain the shame around not being the “stereotypical gender role”. On the one hand, I come across as more “masculine” than the stereotypical woman (independent, good at working with tools, 6ft tall, broad shoulders, 2 master’s degrees), but on the other hand, I identify as asexual. So, the confusion of “why don’t you need sex?!” and at the same time, being “not the typical man/woman” really hits home. I never had a relationship, these issues are part of the reason why. I’m completely content as a single person, but still want to connect emotionally and offer connection for others. So the idea of “I’m not feeling it, but I’m not opposed to it because it will make my partner feel loved” helps a lot (for sex or any other expression of love). If I do have a romantic relationship someday, I hope I can be a person who is honest about their insecurities, but also that I offer a space for my partner to be open with me.
Ok, two things. 1) I can sympathize with both people here bc I’m Demi and have a high libido. It feels like those are in direct conflict and it’s frustrating, because I’ve spent our my single, wanting to connect, and needing to do so inorder to get relief. 2) I had the idea for people who are only kinda willing to have sex while their partner really wants it. Respond with a scaled number, 1-10. If you’re at 5, it’s that you’re not enthusiastic but ARE willing to be seduced and could even upgrade higher. 1 is ‘don’t touch me, I’m not mad just not feeling it’. 10 is ‘bring it on, baby!!!’ This also gives people a simple way to say “no”, and there’s no excuse being searched for to do it. It also conveys a more nuanced level of drive with one word.
Thanks for talking about this. After being told “It’s not that important to me” and when I said I was lonely I got “Welcome to the club” and after she refused counseling (individual or couple’s) and after two years without so much as an affectionate touch I was told “all you want is sex” I had to walk away. I was done, total emotional exhaustion. Three days? I would have accepted three months. There’s more to the story, but the tl;dr is we had problems, and she didn’t seem to care enough to even try to change anything. r/deadbedrooms has tons of stories like mine.
Wow! That was a really emotional and raw talk to the wide world about some of the most intimate parts of you life. I didn’t expect to tear up while perusal this. I’m glad you put this out there because I’m in a similar situation and it was hard to understand the difference in sexual desire rather than taking a partner’s disinterest personally. I’ve also been shamed for my drive as a woman for having a higher drive and was even accused of being suspect as a person who’d likely cheat. I’ve had trouble expressing desire because of that and then when the interest wasn’t there as often in my partner it felt like there was something wrong with me. After years, my partner finally let me know and I finally believed it was about his mental health. And now I can ask if he’s had a bad day or not and then I know whether I need to back off or I can make my desires known without putting stress on him. Thanks for making this article. I’m sure it has already helped so many!
Here’s a tough topic… While I’m not a victim of abuse, I have intentionally grown a hatred of sex which has kind of grown into near body dysmorphia. I’m in a relationship with someone that I want to marry. But I can’t marry at all until I can be sure that after consummating I won’t want to hurt myself afterwards. It’s a super hard conversation to even start. 😖
I have been LOOKING for articles just like this, where the woman has the higher libido, but we can hear from both the lower libido husband and the higher libido wife. I really appreciate how you both were willing to be vulnerable and I beg you, if you feel like you can, PLEASE make more articles like this! This REALLY helps us other couples who are going through the exact same thing. You have no idea how much everything you’re saying has resonated. Thank you so much!
I had to bark a laugh at the 3 day cycle because mine’s like… a year? I totally get it though. I’m ace aro but I do want to connect to people, intimately, be known if only to a select few. I try to be sex positive and most of the time I am, but it gets exhausting. I’d much rather go out and experience stuff together than stay in and have sex because I found out I just don’t connect that way. Which is super hard when my partner does. I’m in a situation like this right now and I’ve been mulling over what to do. On one hand I don’t want to hurt anyone, on the other I don’t see how it could work. Which is depressing when I realize the probable majority of people are this way. Still, this article made me feel a little hope. The dream of a day when we finally get rid of societal expectations and just let ourselves and other people be who they are.
You two model such great communication and de-shaming these topics. Appreciate your vulnerability and courage. I really feel like this is the dawn of a modern era where we don’t hide things, we bring it out into the open, talk about it, and honor ourselves. So beautiful. And you are a gorgeous couple!
Jonathan, I can’t thank you enough for your bravery in sharing so vulnerably. It was obvious how hard and painful this topic can be for you, and as a fellow Asexual-maybe-Demisexual raised in the 80s/90s with no one talking about that option, I’ve been in the same situation in my marriage! I never really found comfort in being a female (less pressure to want sex as often) because I could tell that I was even less interested in sex than every other woman I knew. I still feel defective a lot of the time, and although my husband and I have come to new levels of understanding and healing, there are ongoing struggles after 20 years of marriage. Particularly in the Christian community, Duty Sex runs deep! So again, thank you so much for making this article. You will help so many by sharing in this way!
thank you SO much for this. the similarities between you guys’ dynamic and how me and my partner are with sex are literally spot on. I often have a hard time separating the idea of being connected with my partner from the act of having sex, and this really really helped me see our differences in how we view sex in a new light.
incredibly helpful article! I’d like to add (as a woman with high drive) that women are shamed for having intense sexual needs/lives men are praised, women are judged and made feel guilty (slut shaming) also body shamed so much more… like I was told openly by men that I’d be far more attractive if I lost weight which was devastating to younger me also porn creates expectations towards women’s behaviour and looks that is just plain WRONG and porn now is accessible on everybody’s phone! brutal, violent, dangerous perverted acts seem a norm to so many men because of that 😒 and don’t even get me started on tinder and other apps…
I so admire the strength of your relationship. You both make tackling tough sensitive topics with your partner seem effortless. It’s VERY INSPIRING☺️! My husband and I are embarking on a journey where we can communicate more openly with each other without fear or judgment. Thank you both for all you do.
Thank you for being so open with your feelings on intimacy in marriage. My marriage is very similar to yours and I’ve been waiting for a article from you on the subject as to how to navigate our differences in the bedroom without feeling constantly obligated on the one hand or sexually frustrated or rejected on the other. We are talking about it, and still ironing out the wrinkles, but what you shared gave me hope and made me feel like we’re taking baby steps in the right direction. Thank you again for being vulnerable and raw, I will forever be grateful for your thoughts on the subject. Keep giving us the light that only you can give!
I was so glad to see you talk about your body image issues Jono. I am a 29 year old male who has struggled with body image issues myself. I’m kind of fat, and I’ve felt unattractive and like no one would want me, and that’s part of the reason I haven’t dated even though I desperately want a relationship. I wish more people would talk about male body image issues.
Mr Decker, thank you for making this article. I am sure you were really nervous making a article about this, but it is a huge help for me. My dear sweet husband definitely has a lower sex drive than me, and he is almost ashamed of it. You are helping me help him, my best friend, grow through this. God Bless You.
Thank you so much for being so open about this subject! I am the stereotypical female but not in the way that I think most are. Because my spirit is always willing but my body isn’t, if that makes any sense. I am lucky enough that my husband and I have put the work into having open communication about our sex drives (other things as well) and how there are other ways we can connect on an intimate level. For example my husband loves to shower with me. Nothing sexual happens but for him it’s a place and the time that we can have intimacy and connection.
I think this was an important discussion, and thank you to you both for your bravery. We don’t think about men as needing this type of reassurance, but I think it’s really important for men to realize that the “traditional markers” of what makes them attractive to women are not what every woman wants. I am a woman who is a bit taciturn with my own emotions, and I’m greatly attracted to men with a weird/goofy/silly sense of humor because it’s not just enjoyable and mentally stimulating, it’s relaxing for me. His looks and body type are secondary. With maturity, I’ve also realized the other component is that I need someone with intuition who can see past my taciturn nature and draw me out, because I actually do enjoy intense emotions with someone I trust. Interestingly, funny dudes often have this trait in spades. This sometimes results in a “visual imbalance” (as one person described it) and the resulting insecurity, so I’m glad people are willing to talk about this more.
Hi Jono, thank you for opening up it is really amazing to come at a time I’ve been considering this thought myself. Thank you so much for your vulnerability. I’m polyamorous and pansexual. I have a much higher sex drive than my partner, which comes out of hypersexuality, past trauma, as well as not being restricted to girlfriend/boyfriend when it comes to who I’m attracted to. I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD, which leads to complicated moments of hypersensitivity and executive dysfunction, luckily I have a strong network of friends who I can emotionally reach out to, because love is unconditional, and I do have my partner to speak to at the end of the day. I’m sensitive to rejection, so shame, anger, judgement, it’s what I fall back to when I’m feeling burnt out. I feel like 72 hours is the consistent pattern for my partner as well. We have good communication for 2 adults living busy lives. It’s safe.
I’m convinced one of the keys to life and relationships is knowing yourself and the other person really well and vice versa and based on that, figuring out (therapy, books and articles like these can be part of that process) what it is YOU and your partner need individually and as a couple and need to do to thrive and succeed. NOT anyone else, not “other” couples, just you. And do that.
Hello Jono, Alicia First of all, I am a huge fan of Cinema Therapy, and I thank you very much for your work with Alan. Now I have loved every episodes I watched because you guys are bringing every subject on the table to have a honest look at it, tearing apart the stereotypes. As for this article, I see myself in your personality, in your insecurities. I was raised in the idea that a man should be such thing and not that. And the first years of relationship with my wife was so challenging for me because I was performing a persona, and she saw right through and saw ME. She was giving me space to embrace who she knew I was, and am while my insecurities were fighting back. So to hear from a man, that you were having troubles and that it is only thanks to the open space you gave to each other that you could start to heal together is really powerful. I wish for your mariage and family all the best. I know you can do it. I cannot say in simple words how much good you are doing to the people out there perusal you, but please, keep doing what you do on Mended Light and Cinema Therapy(for as long as it is not impacting your personal life) Greetings from France, Disneyland Paris
Thank you so much for this, this is absolutely something my boyfriend and I have dealt with because I have the higher sex drive in our relationship. He felt a lot of pressure at first to “be a man” about our sex life and was afraid I wouldn’t want to stay with him if he “couldn’t keep up”. Meanwhile, I was dealing with some old baggage from my past marriage, where a lot of my self-worth was tied up in the expectation that I would be sexually available to my ex-husband, while also being told I shouldn’t be making my own wants and needs known. My boyfriend and I had to have lots of talks, but it’s been so good for us, because we both feel so much safer and more secure together than either of us have ever been able to feel in previous relationships.
It makes my heart happy that you were able to relieve yourself of that burden and that you’ve communicated this to your wife. The goal is holistic health in my opinion and it brings me joy to know that you’ve made this step towards it by sharing your story. I feel a lot of time, people are nervous to be vulnerable because of the possibility to experience rejection in the form of judgement. This is why I’m always preaching grace. It’s so important to allow people to live their journey authentically. Some people haven’t learned the lessons that you have learned.. and you haven’t learned lessons that others already have. And it’s okay. We’re all on our own journey and each one looks different.
I appreciate that as a couple you both acknowledge your differences and work through them in a healthy way. So many, especially online, immediately jump to sexual differences as an absolute dealbreaker but there can be middle ground and compromise. A lot of it just takes the ability to understand things from your partner’s point of view!
It’s so refreshing to hear open and honest issues that happen within the marriage or with your partner. I can completely relate to you Johnathan. If I don’t feel attractive. Which is often, I don’t want to be intimate. Even though my husband tells me how beautiful I am, how much he loves me, if I saw myself in the mirror and see my stretched out belly (2 kids) and extra weight, then I don’t want to be seen or touched. We’ve been together for 15 years and just now trying to open up to each other about wants and things that upset us. Thank thank thank you for yall opening up.
I stumbled on this article looking for advice on differences in sexual drive in a relationship. What you’ve described, encapsulates my differences in desire with my high drive partner. But when you spoke about connection, it really struck a cord with me. I’m not going to feel ashamed for my lower drive, and I’m going to have a honest talk with my partner on my experiences. I want to to love him, and let him feel loved from his own perspective. Thank you so much for this article, there are people like us that needed reassurance of our humanity.
I started tearing up when you said you identify as demisexual. I identify as demisexual myself, and I recently had to handle trying to explain to a family member about the asexuality spectrum and my identity… and it was rough because it felt like being ace/demi/gray/somewhere on that spectrum wasn’t real and I had to explain why it was real and not just me “being a girl” or just “haven’t met ‘the one’ yet”. So it was nice to see more conversations about that identity. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing.
I loved this conversation. So honest and open minded. Marriage is about putting in a lot of work everyday to make it happen. It’s a struggle. It’s a fight. I loved perusal this because it’s a reminder that we all need to be sincere about what we want without making the other person feel like they have to compromise. Amazing 💯💯💯
Love this article! My wife and I are in a similar situation and there are almost no resources talking about the woman wanting sex more than the man. And it’s honestly wild why the difference is even made because the advice works both ways but all of the articles and resources are all some version of “what to do if your wife doesn’t want sex as much as you” Love the vulnerability, thank you so much!
I want you guys to know how much your vulnerability and willingness to share means to me. I come from a very conservative household where I didn’t get to see a healthy romantic relationship growing up, and there’s plenty for me to unlearn. I don’t have any adults in my life who I can talk to about these things; educating myself is wholly my own responsibility. Right now, I’m 20 years old and very much flying blind as I try to navigate the relationships in my life. Your articles provide some much-needed transparency and expertise that are gonna help me as I continue learning & living. Thanks so much guys! Love from New Jersey
It’s really cool to hear that you’re an actual member of the community! I’d still love you if you were a supportive ally and not a member, of course. For the longest time I thought that’s exactly what I thought, and I appreciated it. But I’m even more grateful to know that a man of faith is not only open to the community, but also part of it. Thank you for sharing that with us. As someone who is demi-aceflux(I’m demisexual and my drive fluctuates), I feel seen.
I think women with a higher sex drive then men is actually far more common than people believe. It’s just socially not the expected, so no talks about, unless someone else brings it up saying it’s happening to them and then it will spill over. I was unaware of how many of my friends this had happened to until I spoke about my own frustrations with my ex and the floodgates opened.
Wooooooo this is just like my marriage. Thank you for sharing something so personal with us, my husband is very stoic and he has a really hard time talking about his thoughts and feelings. He’s good for a week or two and I’m on the LETS GOOOOO side and I used to feel like something was wrong with me when it would be a week or two, but it’s just how he’s wired and there’s no shame in that.
Thanks for some much needed clarity after 20 years of not understanding something about mine and my husband’s relationship. I wish my husband and I could’ve heard this advice 20 years ago. We’re still together all these years later, but it’s like your were telling the story of mine and my husband’s relationship when we first got married. We still don’t have everything figured out, even after all these years, but we love each other enough to keep trying to working on it.
Thank you so much for talking about this. I’m a grown woman but when I was a teenager I didn’t know why I had no sex drive at all. Later in life i found out what asexual meant and it was kind of mind blowing there were other people feeling like me. I’m queer, ace and panromantic, and thanks to people being open about their relationships and sexual identities I’ve figured things about myself that make me feel comfortable in my own skin. I totally get where Johno comes from and it’s reassuring to see that being with a partner that understands your struggles is a big help. But you gotta communicate even if it’s hard and awkward and might expose one self.
I got pregnant 1 year into being married. So for the last several years, I have been tired. Kids are exhausting. I was also taking care of 7 other kids, as I had a daycare in my home. My body changed after having kids, and I felt unattractive. So for like the last 15 years, I have had little to no libido. I wish I felt turned on! But I had nothing left to give at the end of the day. But now, our kids are much older, I have a different job, and FINALLY I feel like my libido has come back! But…now my husband’s job is more stressful. He feels tired at the end of the day. Has vocalized he feels “old” and unattractive. I’m like, nooo! The tables have flipped! This is a very important topic. Thanks for discussing it & being vulnerable. ☺️
As someone on the asexual spectrum, I really appreciate your vulnerability on this topic. Difference in sexual desire is something my partner and I struggle with too, and it’s really helpful to hear your advice and to just not feel as alone. I’m inspired by the level of understanding and communication that you both have with eachother. Thank you for sharing all of that with us, and for continually breaking down gender stereotypes! (gender ultimately seems to consist of stereotypes and expectations we put on people based on their genitalia, so I hope the whole construct goes away one day)
I have so much respect for both of you speaking so openly about this topic, I know it wasn’t easy. The shame surrounding sex is so interesting to me, but I realize I grew up in a later generation with a different threshold regarding conversations about sex. My mom never talked to me about sex or contraception or periods or anything really (it was not discussed at all in her household growing up) but my friends/sisters and I have always been really open about sex and our bodies, and I find that younger generations (esp. on social media like TikTok) are more willing to get into topics that were taboo even 10 years ago. Things like nipple hair, vulva shapes, penis size, sex positions, female masterbation, female orgasms, sex toys, etc. are shared so openly, and I hope that leads to older generations having an easier time discussing sex more honestly and without feeling so much judgment. 💜
Thank you for this article. My partner and I struggle with this issue right now because of a medical condition I have right now and it brought us to a very frightening edge of our relationship. Gladly we were able to talk about it – with lots of tears etc – but it comes every few weeks again, this conversation, the fears, the tears, the missunderstandings. The only thing that helps us come close again is: TALKING. This is the only thing that helps us stay sane and loving and getting us together through this hardship. Thank you for bringing this up about “women just being touched out” – this is so true but overlooked! This is something I struggle right now in our relationship too: Because of my medical issues I am right now not very much interested in sexuality or even being touched intimately. My partner has those desires though and touches me because he likes it and thinks I like it too – which I don’t do right now. It is really hard to talk about all of this, but we HAVE TO to keep a healthy relationship. It hurts nonetheless to talk about this though…
I love and appreciate your transparency so, so much guys. It’s about frickin time we normalized these talks not just between couples but with others too. I can’t imagine any couple with any orientation not benefiting from this, because let’s face it no 2 people have the same libidos, body image or associations to sex. and I can see that these issues have weighed down on you two for way too long (and 100% relate) before you decided you loved each other enough to value having the right conversations and choosing better behaviors, and it shows how much you value each other and how better and stronger you are for it <3 and people really need to see that everyone goes through this AND how to have the right conversations about it, so thank you.
Wow the timing of this is impeccable! I’m a graysexual contemplating getting into a romantic relationship for the first time at age 32 and I’m trying to figure out how to discuss this aspect of our relationship with this amazing person I adore who is definitely not on the asexual spectrum😅 thank you so much for talking about this, I now feel like I have another tool in my toolbox I didn’t have before this but I definitely need. Thank you guys! Love you!
Awww bless. Me and my husband are the same. We have been together for 13 years and it took a long time to actually talk about it from an objective point of view. I was just to wrapped up in feeling rejected. Over the years I’ve just came to feel I don’t want to if he doesn’t and that’s OK, he shouldn’t be made to do that if not in the mood. It’s all much better now because their is love and understanding and yes like what you said about being touched out. I’m touched out a lot with the kids so that’s brought me down to more his level naturally. Bless you both. Ps Jonathan you are very handsome I just don’t say stuff like that to people. You are both beautiful. It’s probably all just different languages of love.
You have no idea how much I need this article!! Thank you very much for talking about this. It’s been an issue for me in my relationship for a long time. I’m female and the one with lower libido, mostly as a consequence of depression. I always struggle between not wanting to disappoint my partner and my lack of sex drive. I was afraid I was giving him just “duty sex” (although I’ve always loved the afterwards cuddling). The notion of “I wasn’t in the mood but I don’t mind” was probably exactly what I needed to understand myself better. Thank you so, so much Jonh and Alicia!!! You two are a beautiful couple and help a lot of people with what you do <3
This was really helpful! I’ve been struggling with this lately. I have previously identified as demisexual, but lately I’m wondering if I’m just asexual. I actually just learned a new term, aegosexual, that fits me well. I’m also autistic, so being touched like that is complicated for me on many levels. I’ve been anxious lately that I won’t be able to navigate my relationship with my boyfriend without having sexual attraction and urges as a guide, but this article was a good reminder that the sexual aspect is not necessarily the most defining aspect of a relationship, and that you can have a solid relationship even if there are differences in sexual drive.
Loved this!!! Vulnerability is TOUGH. It’s funny because a lot of people think I’m super vulnerable and “not afraid to be myself” because I have a bit of a loud and extroverted personality but there’s still things I can’t just openly talk about to just anybody because the shame is just intense! And I actually really love the idea of therapy and believe in it so much and see so much good in it and yet, when it’s time for me to get vulnerable during therapy, it’s really hard and makes me not in love with every session I go to despite being happy about what I learned and wanting to try the advice I get. The vulnerability is just so uncomfortable 😣 Hearing a THERAPIST have pretty similar feelings is awesome to hear! Haha! But you did it and spoke up and I think that makes you a pretty special therapist if anything! I’m the high sex drive one. I really liked hearing that Alicia is like that too because I really don’t hear girls having a high sex drive much or if they do, their husband also does. I know my husband is sexually into me and everything but there have been times where his sex drive is much lower than I want it to be and I’ve gotten pretty mad about it and felt unloved and hurt. I think things are better now because I just learned that it’s not personal towards me and I notice the effort he puts into our relationship that isn’t sexual. But I relate to much of what was discussed in this article and it’s ok that it’s still a work in progress ❤ I can tell you guys really love each other and truly care about how the other feels.
Thanks for this deeply personal and open discussion between partners!11:05 and it’s the “he didn’t talk about it” that got me. I have the higher sex drive in my marriage and I couldn’t understand why we didn’t kiss, foreplay, passionate sex I needed. He was hot and heavy in the beginning when it was about his desires and fantasies but mine were shrugged off and left to stagnate. I felt unloved, unsexy, not beautiful, not desirable or wanted in that way. It hurt deeply. I only heard that I was beautiful outside of our marriage from strangers. I’m monogamous by nature and only wanted that attention from my husband. But he would always blame me. I’m too much. I should be naked more. Somehow always my fault. Too forward. I couldn’t understand. He didn’t see my pain. We finally talked about it last night and his reaction was defensive but today there is love in the conversation. Can’t wait to watch the rest 🥰
I don’t write a lot of comments but I just need to say: thank you! I am in the same scenario and still struggle with my bf sometimes about it. It is so good to hear there are other people around who manage this since I only know about this the other way around. So it’s really nice hearing this from you. Thank you for your vulnerability ❤️
Thank you so much for opening up on this topic. Sexuality spectrums really need to be talked about more. I’d love another article on more actionable tactics for mismatched sex drives, because there’s not a lot out there on this. I’m just now learning and understanding about Gray Ace sexuality and how this feels right for my own feelings.
This… this must have been a hard article to make, no matter how willing you were to make it! Thank you. I kept it on my watch-later playlist until I knew I could give it my full attention and all the respect it deserved, because, while I’ve only ever watched Cinema Therapy articles before, I knew that you would be open and honest with us!
Definitely resonates. My husband is definitely lower than mine. And a lot of what Jonathan said about insecurities sounds very similar to things my husband has shared. It used to bother me a lot and the rejection would hurt a lot. But now I’ve come to accept it. I’d say we average about once every 3 weeks. I’d love to be a once a week couple. But honestly, life is busy. We show love in a lot of other ways. Daily snuggles, lots of talks laughter, kisses, and we love spending our time together.
I am definitely the low-sex drive person in our relationship. Early on, we were pretty much equal, but pregnancy, and other issues, gradually lessened my desire to even do the deed- and that’s before body issues got into it! My husband tries to find out what my triggers are to help me get in the mood, but that doesn’t always work, and I know that it can be frustrating to him. Sometimes we do compromises, and there are days where he’ll poke me and be like “Hey, I’m going to want some attention tonight.” and that doesn’t always mean sex, but you never know what might turn out 😉 There are some times when the “I’m not really in the mood, but we’ll see what happens” turns out to be… a very good idea.
Thank you for being open about this! It was definitely something I could relate to in my previous relationship. I dont really have a clear label for myself but I’ve stuck with Demisexual for now. It feels bad when y’alls sex drive doesnt match up and both end up feeling bad because one feels like they’re asking too much/undesirable, and the other feels like they’re not doing enough or feeling pressured to just do it.
I can’t explain how much I appreciate you guys. I first found your articles at a time where I felt SO misunderstood. In my marriage, I have the higher sex drive and always felt ashamed about that. My husband shared 2 years into our marriage that he is bi, and addicted to porn. Its been a big healing journey ever since, but its been tough. Hearing some of the things you guys share make me feel much more understood. I cant thank you enough.
Thank you for sharing, I hope you help people from learning the hard way like you did and I did. I battled with sexual repression early in my marriage due to a well meaning religious emphasis on chastity. It took time to feel more comfortable with physical intimacy but I still struggled with feeling I was worthy. I hated myself so much then I wasn’t healthy in how I felt about it. I wish I had loved myself before my divorce and I had been brave enough to talk about these things then. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story.
This is a hard article to comment on for me, because I want to respond to the the openness you showed without vomiting my emotional trauma all over Youtube. As a woman who has been dealing with this relationship dicotomy for decades, the fact is that SO MUCH discussion about differences in sex drive focuses on the idea that a man wants sex more often than a woman. When you are the woman who has a higher sex drive than her husband, constantly encoutering that message when you are trying to find help makes you feel AWFUL about yourself and your marriage. I attended one seminar where the host spent the whole first session talking about how important sex is to men in a relationship (trying to lay out that “I feel loved when you want me” argument for wives), and I came away from it feeling alternate shame and anger for a week, because wrestling with that message when you as the woman are having your husband brush off your attempts at flirting or say “Not tonight, I’m tired,” leaves you vascilating between the questions “What’s wrong with him?” and “What’s wrong with me?” Neither of those questions lead to a relationship where it feels safe to be vulnerable. Being married to a man who sturggles to express vulnerability in general, this is still something that is difficult in our relationship – we go through easier times and harder times but we haven’t made much real progress. It is moving to see you and Alicia being open and supportive with each other about this topic, and I hope my husband and I can get there one day.
So few women struggle with this and even fewer talk about it, it was so refreshing to find this article. Im in my 30s now and ive struggled with a high sex drive my entire life, ive dealt with this by being abstinent frm sex because I was terrified that it was going to lead me to unsafe decisions when i was younger. When i eventually got married, my husband couldn’t keep up. It really put a strain on our marriage and he eventually cheated on me (ironic right) my other partners were even worse. The partner that im with now went on testosterone in an attempt to keep up and we talk about it alot. Ive learned to curb my urges down to once a day (with keeping busy and kids) but sometimes he still cant do it. I really love him and am determined to make this relationship work so I know at some point we’ll figure out a compromise to make this work. Thank you for bringing this topic to YT! Definitely needed!
This was such a great and insightful perspective on some of this stuff. The husbands who really want to connect and sex is how they do and their wives aren’t in the mood often have an extra tough situation too in that men aren’t commonly very skilled at other types of emotional and interpersonal connection. This is a gender norms thing, the way they’re socialized, as well.
One of the things that is a barrier for me to getting into a relationship is my demisexuality. Being less sex-driven than allosexuals is a world of annoyance, because in my case I’m heteroromantic and I know that allosexual men tend to not only feel the need to perform sexually, but also tend to expect sex. And the inherent expectation in a relationship that I should eventually have sex with my boyfriend makes me stressed out and shut down. It’s a pain in the ass because I would like a nice committed relationship but… pickings are few and far between, and every decent guy seems to be taken already.
I am Asexual, married to a husband with a very high sex drive. This article is AWESOME! Thank you for providing representation for Demisexuals (also typically considered on the Asexual spectrum). I’m a fan of your Cinema Therapy series and was absolutely thrilled to see this marital issue given some screen time. As someone who is Asexual, my husband and I do have to ‘work’ to ensure both our needs are respected and met — but with good communication (and a few charts, lol) we are able to fulfill each other and have been wildly in love for more than a decade. Thank you for making this article to help remind us we are NOT alone in this, for giving us a few tips, and for being a positive role-model for couples (both Asexual or simply those with a lower sex drive), showing healthy behavior that helps keep marriages strong. Thank you!!
As a fellow demisexual thank you so much to both of you but you especially Jonathan. As you said when I was younger there seemed to be only 3 if 4 options (asexuality being a big mystery though) and I just couldn’t seem to fit in any of them, despite relating to asexuality it still didn’t feel like it was IT. It took my much younger cousin to tell me about it two years ago when I was 27. I’m so glad things are changing and that the youth is more informed then we were back then. I don’t love labels but this definitely made me see how they can be useful. I feel seen and less alone. Hearing a male relate to it makes me feel funnily enough even more seen as I sometimes heard that I was just being a woman, picky. Also a question to my fellow demisexuals, is it a Demi thing to not consider oneself especially physically attractive?? I noticed since I don’t feel sexually attracted to people in general or don’t judge people by their looks I find it hard to see how I could be physically and sexually attractive 🤔🤔
Thank you for being so honest. My husband is amazing in so many ways. But we really really struggle with this. He wants it all the time. But due to health, not feeling attractive ( especially after our daughter was born) and communication issues I just don’t want sex. I love him so much that I just give him what he needs. I know that physical touch is a biggie for him. Finally, after almost 10yrs we are finally really talking about it.
I am also demisexual, but felt abnormal because everyone made a big deal about sex, and I just couldn’t. When I tried to make out and stuff casually, I didn’t enjoy it, and feared there was something wrong with me. I’m grateful for this article! Even though I’ve come to terms with my realization I need romance and emotional attachment to feel attracted to someone, I feel like more people need to be aware of this. In my case, I’m still the partner with the lower sex drive. It makes me worry a little. My boyfriend has been patient, but I worry about this becoming an issue in the future. I’m sorry for rambling, thank you for this website and cinema therapy!
You said that you were willing to be vulnerable because it could help someone. Well it helped me. (It even made me cry) I really love your content (here & on CT), it adds to my culture and to my reflection, while keeping a lot of love and humour around it too. But today you talked about something that has been torturing my mind for a couple years, and I’m so glad, so relieved I saw your article. To know that it is a frequent struggle in a lot of various couples is a relief. To know that even for someone I consider very wise and strong, this is a hard journey, makes it easier for me to forgive myself and be patient. To know that we could struggle with this and still have a happy long lasting relationship gives me a lot of hope. Thank you (both) very much for your bravery, and for everything you bring to us ❤️ Edit : it got even better after going though the comment section ❤️
Whaaaaaat? No freaking way. Everytime I see you on cinema therapy I am like “He is so cute and handsome!” and this is absolutely no pitty comment. Your vulnerability makes you so attractive, Jonathan. Your wife is a very lucky woman that she found a man who is that attractive from the inside and the outside! <3