Verbal abuse is a form of violence that can be rooted in language and can be a way for a partner to exert control over another person. It can take various forms, such as shaming, swearing, circular arguments, threats, and blame. To prevent and heal from verbal abuse, it is essential to set boundaries, prioritize physical safety, relax your body during conflicts, and take a break.
Victims of verbal abuse can change their reactions to the abuse by setting boundaries, engaging with the abusive partner, setting money aside, and confronting the consequences of the relationship. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers help for those experiencing verbally abusive situations. Engaging with the abusive partner can help change the interaction and disrupt the abusive behavior.
Setting firm boundaries with clear, simple consequences is an important next step when dealing with verbal abuse. For example, if the abusive partner continues to speak to you like that again, you will leave. If you want to avoid being called names, you will not talk to you anymore.
Emotional abuse can also be disguised as gaslighting or raising voices. It is crucial to experiment with verbally abusive relationships to see for yourself what it looks like.
In summary, verbal abuse is a form of violence that can be rooted in language and can be a way for a partner to exert control over others. It is essential to be patient and kind to yourself, as there is no “right way” to heal, but healing is possible and you will feel stronger in time.
📹 How to FIX an Emotionally Abusive Relationship | Dr. David Hawkins
Are you someone who is in an emotionally abusive relationship and has decided, for now, to stay and work on the relationship?
How do you treat someone who is verbally abusive?
How should you respond to verbal abuse? Call out the abuse when it happens. If they don’t listen, leave. Limit your interactions with this person or end the relationship. Verbal abuse is emotional abuse. Verbal abuse is when someone uses their words to hurt another person. Verbal abuse is a way of controlling and keeping power over another person. Most people think they’d know if they were being verbally abused. Verbal abuse often involves yelling, name-calling, and belittling behaviors. But there’s more to verbal abuse than people think. Some people are verbally abused without realizing it. Verbal abuse can happen in any relationship.
📹 If Your Partner Or Parent Is A Verbally Abusive Narcissist… WATCH THIS!| Dr. Ramani
On Today’s Episode: It’s hard enough to leave a bad relationship when you’re not seeing eye to eye or you find out you value …
OK. Here is my story: I grew up with 2 narcissistic parents. My mother died when I was 14. My father is a Malignant, abusive narcissist, who married, less than a year after my Mom’s death, a nasty Covert Narcissist that egged him on in his verbal and physical abuse of me, and my sister. I had been the cook, housekeeper, and caretaker of my siblings, from the age of 5, because my Mom was handicapped, and I was the oldest. This continued when my father remarried. My father, even though he had been promoted to Full Professor, when he passed his doctorate, on my Mom’s death, so suddenly had a large salary, never paid for me or my siblings’ education or weddings. Besides physical abuse he constantly devalued us and gaslighted us. I started University at age 18, where I had gotten scholarships for my grades and grants that I applied for. I also had saved money from working in summers during High School. In the summer before my Sophomore year in Nursing School at the University, I realized that I could not maintain the necessary high grade average continuing as the housekeeper, cook, and bottle washer in their house. My father had sat me down with a fake budget to gaslight me into thinking that I would never be able to support myself, not living in his house. Thankfully I listened to a college friend who showed me that it would be difficult, but possible. So, at age 19, I left that house, with continuing guilt about my 3 remaining siblings, got a full time job at a local hospital, and moved into a rented studio apt.
“Someone who loves you would never abuse you.” It is more than two years since I’ve gone no contact with my dysfunctional family. Sometimes, I am lonely (and I do miss my nieces and nephews), but the lack of drama is refreshing. The most important relationship in your life is with yourself. Nurture yourself and thrive. People who are happy with their lives make better life choices. Why did the narcissist cross the road? They thought it was a boundary.
What you said about losing your own identity is so true. I was married for thirty years to a narcissist who showed never-ending contempt for everything I said and did. Even my own kids, hearing this going on, saw me as defective and were also abusive as teens. I left him after he persisted in adultery and moved to my deceased parents’ home. I remember thinking I could redecorate and coming to the realization that I had forgotten my own tastes, my own opinions, my own likes and dislikes. Over the last twenty years I have rediscovered the real me and it’s been a joy.
I grow up with a narcissistic mother,the pain the crying she put me through is something I can’t forget ..after growing up I met a Narcissistic partner ..it’s something I don’t wish for no one to pass through ..I didn’t had no one to speak to,to help me ..but the articles I was perusal on YouTube ..I’m on my healing journey but the memories just come up
My dear friend married a narcissist and i watched her spirit being eradicated day after day over four years. The times she’s cried over him is immeasurable. She lost who she was, this is what the narcissist does. He built her up & knocked her down day in & day out. He alienated her from her friends & family but I wouldn’t let him do that with me. I’ve listened to her & tried to help her understand what was going on without interfering in her marriage. She finally decided she’d had enough when he went on holiday by himself, &she very nervously took the opportunity to change the locks and end the relationship. He tried to screw her over in the divorce court but the judge saw through him. He totally lost control over my friend & that’s what hurt him the most. She is now struggling & working hard to keep afloat but she’s HAPPY. She’s back to the lovely stable person she was before. And she’s thanked me endlessly for standing by her & supporting her. So people, you CAN leave the narcissist. just believe in yourself. 🥰
A 3years old throwing a tantrum and an adult male raging and throwing a tantrum are two completely different experiences. a child’s tantrum stresses you out and passes on within the hour. An adult’s rage rattles you and it seethes for weeks. The tension remains for weeks and the energy in the house changes until you give in to their demands and pacify them. The experience of constant rage is life-altering even your nervous system feels it long after you’ve escaped the toxic relationship.
It hurts when my husband is overly attentive to strangers or other people. When I was in the emergency room all he wanted to do was get out of there, he was leaving me there, he said he had to let the dog out, I told him to go, but he came back and said the dr is letting you go, then he wanted to get something to eat, I basically feel I have to go along with everything he wants and my needs are never met. I can’t say anything about to him to other people because they think he is so wonderful, I suffer in silence. Too expensive to leave him now, I am getting rid of a lot of stuff so I can have an easier exit someday.
OMG!!! The favorite place of a narcissist to rage is in a car. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 8 years – it got progressively worse and YES YES YES raging in the car was an ongoing ocurrance. I can’t even count the hundreds maybe thousands of car rages I tolerated. I finally got out. Now is month 8 after break up, and my life is 1000 percent better, calmer, real friendships developing, spiritual growth, supportive community, revisiting old passions which I had given up. It was hell going through the breakup but I’m eternally grateful that I finally said ENOUGH and left.
I get the silent treatment, sulking a lot. He hates it that I’m strong and don’t put up with his BS. I’m absolutely stuck financially. I gave up my career for his military career. I literally don’t have any references and can’t even prove where I worked or what kind of employee I was. There’s so much more. He’s coming down the driveway now. Signing off. Take care everyone ❤️🙏
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for noting that people who cannot get out of toxic relationships because they are disabled and cannot financially survive without a relationship they’d rather not have should not be ashamed. We have to deal with our situation with as much dignity as possible, but it does not feel good. It would take a tremendously strong person to be healthy and happy under such circumstances. If you have to deal with a narcissist, it’s tough. They will never let up, and you have to always work at your boundaries and defenses. I promise you no-one wants to live that way.
I have a narcissistic mother and that also let me attract narcissistic man! I just found out that my mother is a narc because she is getting old and she can’t play her manipulative game like she did before! I also didnt understood that there are different kind of narcs! I’m now distancing myself from her and the father of my child and I never felt so good! The shocking thing is all my health problems I had and obesity went away like it never happened! Please if you are dealing with a narc choose yourself first because that is what the narc does! And dealing with narcs definitely makes you sick physically and mentally
My narc was always trying to best me. When we first started dating, we’d play pool at my friend’s house. I beat him a couple of times, I had more experience, and the stricken look on his face was absolutely comical. “It’s just a game,” I told him. He made it his mission in life to beat me in pool, even going to my friend’s house to play without me. It was weird, but I didn’t think too much about it. But then it got weirder. He taught himself to win by doing dishonest things, like racking the balls so when I broke, none of them would fall in a pocket and then they’d end up in lies where every shot was impossible to make. I didn’t’t see it at first, took my best shot and when I didn’t make it, I’d be talking to my friends and having a good time. I began to notice that I rarely had good lies and realized that every shot he took was done with the sole purpose of depriving me of a good shot. I began surreptitiously perusal him while talking with my friends between shots. He was actually moving my balls into impossible locations when he thought I wasn’t looking. How petty, I thought. Anything to win! Correction: anything to beat ME. I noticed he was perusal my face very closely, looking for any signs that I was becoming frustrated, mad, losing control, feeling humiliated. That was his end goal, I realized. I really wanted to break the cue over his head and bury the jagged end in his eyeball and twist it a couple of times. Unfortunately, I had been fired at work on trumped up charges (by a narcissistic office manager who had sued to get her position by claiming not enough women were represented in management positions), lost my place to live, and was forced to move in with him; otherwise, I would have ghosted him.
They promise you the world, what you want. They make you feel secure and they play on your niceness. Then they tell you “I will support you.” You leave your job and when they have you totally dependent they begin to act like their REAL SELVES! Then you have no way out! They make you hamstrung! But one day you change your mind about loving them. Woman it’s natural to stop working in a NORMAL situation where a REAL MAN wants to love you and provide. We just have to STOP using normal rules in a abnormal situation!!!! Lisa, keep sharing things like this so woman can know the TRUTH!!!! ❤
That’s another powerful thing that doctor Ramani said. That is, to stop sharing things with the narcissist. When you share something important to you.wWith them, there is the expectation of some kind of positive response. YOU WILL NOT GET THAT! Instead, it will be negative or degrading or demoralizing or generally disappointing. The desire to continue to share with the narcissist reveals your emotional attachment to him. That’s why emotional detachment is so important. Does my abuser deserve to know that I became a getty images photographer when they have never supported my profession and in fact has punished me for it? Absolutely not.
It took me less than 6 months to figure out that my ex was a Narcissist. Full blown narcissist and if given the test from the DSM he would likely have all 9 characteristics. I started seeing things, hearing what he was saying, observing his behavior, observing how he was treating me. I also realized we went through love bombing, devalue, and discard stages. I ended things and went no contact. I’m so very glad I did. It sucks because I cared for him, his kids, etc., but I realize that my needs were not going to ever be met with this person. I also realized that a narcissist is not who I want to be with.
Years of chasing the carrot sums it up. I had a mental issue develop where my mind would go blank when I was asked a question, that I discovered and got over in a personal development course. That was a direct result of having to think of every word I spoke in front of the Narc because any words could be used against me. If not immediately, then in a week, two weeks, a month or a year away
I need to watch this again!! The anxiety and depression can’t go on and I am just realizing my husband is a narc and I have lost my identity. Been with him 18 years and am 65 years old and I need to get my life back. Thank you so much for this article, it is helping me to understand how to deal with my situation and make the right choices for ME!
I’ve been in that car situation. I was driving and he would attack me. He was drunk and we were arguing (about how stupid I was for whatever reason.) We had three minors in the back seat. Crazy. Next day he would say sorry, never again, later he would say come on, it wasn’t that bad, he wasn’t even choking me, just grabbed my neck a little bit, sure it didn’t hurt. Of course I’m divorced now but it wasn’t easy with all the custody and the flying monkeys. I’m so glad that it’s over.
“You’re getting rid of yourself” hit me like a ton of bricks!! So exactly true! Me, my real self, does not matter unless he needs something from me. “Can you take me? Can I use your car? Yada, Yada. Yet, I’m not worth any acknowledgment or any conversation unless he needs something. I can’t believe I’ve tolerated this for so many years!!! What a waste of time!!
Every single manipulation tactic all but implies the use of the lying tactic and the gaslighting tactic. I actually dislike it a little calling out gaslighting as a manipulation tactic as it’s actually an effect. All manipulation tactics will contribute to it by nature of what manipulation is. Some tactics however certainly take the gaslighting effect to a whole different level. Blatant lies that are so bad they insult your intelligence is one of them. That kind of shit will make you feel like you are in the twilight zone after a while. Here are some of the reasons they do this: To test their control. To feel superior and/or entertainment. This proves to themselves how much control they have over you. In the end, you will give up and you will not leave (trauma bonded). In the process of getting to the giving up stage, you will go through some pretty nasty emotional states ending in massive amounts of cognitive dissonance to swallow all of that. Cognitive dissonance is a trauma defense mechanism where you essentially lie to yourself in various ways so that you can bring back some semblance of equilibrium to the insanity you find yourself unable to escape from. As part of the ‘backing you into an emotional corner’ tactic. This is a tactic where you are manipulated into being emotionally unstable inevitably leading to you losing your shit. This gives the narcissist a big dopamine burst, they feel powerful and superior having so deftly controlled you and manipulated into this emotional state.
I explained to my mom that if someone refuses to respect my boundaries, they do not get access to me. I moved out of a place where I didn’t have to worry about anything financially, because someone wouldn’t listen to me that I do not like being touched in certain ways. He blamed it on being horny. Self control is all we have in life and it should be used wisely.
Trauma bonding occurs when a narcissist repeats a cycle of abuse with another person which fuels a need for validation and love from the person being abused. Trauma bonding often happens in romantic relationships, however, it can also occur between colleagues, non-romantic family members, and friends.
Yes they DO punch back ten times harder in every way! Being trapped in the car is the worst but also the only time I feel free to defend myself openly. The worst time was when, WHILE DRIVING, he grabbed me by the hair and threatened to drive to a remote location to cut my throat. I left him two months later but am being sucked back in now. It really hit home when Dr. Ramani said, if they are capable of doing THAT once then they will repeat it. Thank you!
You are exactly right. After 30 some years of marriage, I looked in the mirror and I didn’t know who I was anymore. I remember even thinking I don’t recognize myself. When it turns really bad you have to make a decision. I finally got the courage and strength to get him out. I am going on 4years free. I feel I will have to work on healing the rest of my life. He & my children were my world. I am happy finding me again! I am thriving even when he said I couldn’t do it on my own. I have my own successful business! Anyone wondering if they can do it, yes you can. Ask God’s help and he will give you the courage to do it. I was only working 2 day’s a week 16 hrs at the time with no money in the bank. Talk to your closest friend. Believe in you.
My narcissistic mother took our family to family therapy when I was 12. I think she expected the therapist to blame all of us and hold her up as a self sacrificing hero to put up with us all. The therapist instead told her that talking about her marital issues with us kids was not good. That we aren’t to be a part of that conversation as we aren’t at fault or should be privy to it. My mom was outraged. We finish the session and she storms us out through the parking lot. She called the therapist a quack and said we’d never go back. And we didn’t!
This is so true!!! My mom is narcissistic. Everything that is being said about mothers is exactly my mom. Then talking about the kids, my brother was the difficult one; he’s mean, and cruel. He stole cars, broke car windows with rocks, was disruptive in class, he used to beat me up at least once a week but most of the time, more than that. I wanted to hide; I was “shy” I tried to make myself invisible total people pleaser, obsessively cleaned the house, and got good grades so my mom wouldn’t yell. I have picked up on some of the exaggerated emotions, and I carry them with me I am working so hard to change that I am aware of it. The difference is when I react badly to my emotions, I take note, evaluate what went wrong, and apologize; if there is nobody to apologize to, I apologize to myself for reacting as I did then I teach myself how to handle the trigger in an emotionally healthy way. With my mom or brother, no apology, or if there is one, it’s sarcastic and disingenuine they gaslight and make every problem the fault of others. It’s so crazy. My whole life, I dated other narcissists and didn’t understand my pattern until about 4 years ago was never happy in a relationship, but this was my normal. When you come from a family with it breaking free is REALLY HARD, but I am still working on it. I listen to books, read books, I have a therapist, and I journal I am determined to change this before I die. It’s a life goal, and I get better every day.
Shame is a huge factor … the embarrassment and feeling weak or dumb for being in a relationship like this …or even worse more than one relationship like this is just personally devastating…pulling yourself up and out by growing personally and learning how to look at your ownership and evaluation of red flags are just empowering … the trauma bond is absolutely crazy making …very very tough !! Thanks for this article
“Don’t set them off.” Worrying about the next outburst gave me a peptic ulcer at 15. I left home at 17. The ulcer never returned. I stopped caring if I set them off, sometimes it would entertain me. The louder they screamed the softer my voice became as I said, “I’m leaving mom, and you can’t stop me.” “You won’t have ANYBODY to blame but YOURSELF!!” “I like that just fine.” As I walked out the door forever.
Thank you much ladies ❤ It’s all spiritual warefare… We are not fighting flesh and blood, but dark principalities in High places,Put on the whole armor of God and trust and rest in Him. I understand I’m in the battle and it’s down right brutal. Look beyond this earthly realm, it’s the battle for our souls, the enemy comes to kill steal and destroy only in Christ Jesus can anyone ultimately win. we have authority in Christ. It’s not easy but in Christ we will find victory. Not as the world but in Christ High spiritual place. The battle belongs to the Lord. Armor up in truth. ❤️ Love and prayers to all!
My narscissist husband would take me on trips out of state and use it as an opportunity to emotionally abuse me, then threaten to leave me in the state to leave me to find my own way home… Many of these trips were on a motorcycle… So hard to sit behind someone who is raging at you and then wants to continue the abuse at a hotel
If I haven’t discovered this Dr. I don’t believe I would be alive today. I had been brainwashed to believe that something was wrong with me for so many years. Especially after I had mental breakdown. Thank goodness for YouTube! I can’t say I am well today especially since I am still in the relationship due to the fact that we have kids together but at least I know what I’m against. Thank you Dr.
You are not their parent. It’s not your responsibility to raise them. Your job is to figure out what life you want to have and start making steps towards that life. Also, band together with other victims of narcissists and pool whatever excessive resources you might all have (that you can afford to lose), while forming a coalition of survivors who can help yourselves and others get out of these situations.
I lived with a narcissist verbally abusive husband for over 40 years. Please, I beg people to leave the cruel belittling relationship before the abuse becomes physical. My husband knocked me down and my arm broke the minute I hit the floor. He then screamed at me to get up knowing I couldn’t move. He grabbed my broken arm as bd jerked it trying to pull me up. We Both heard the bones snapping into and breaking even more. I was screaming in pain. He then pulled my arm again shattering the bones, muscles, nerves and pulling my arm out of the shoulder socket! Please save yourself!! I’ve had 2 major surgeries and still can’t Move my arm and hand!🙏Save yourself!!🙏🥵
I have a narcissist daughter and it is only lately that I am getting the clarity on that. She is almost 50 years old and it has been the most difficult relationship I have ever had. It doesn’t matter how much goodness you give, do or say, it will never be enough and at the end of the day, the giver is always at fault. Thank you Dr. Ramini for giving me the gift of clarity. It has helped me release so much guilt and shame that I allowed her to put on me. From today forward my behaviour with here definitely change. I have found a new emotional freedom❤🙏❤️ Blessings to you and all of the amazing work that you do
I stayed till my son started to run away from home (he was 15.) The now former spouse had a DUI and caused us $6000 extra debt. He told me if I asked for help from our faith, “I’d have hell to pay.” I put my plan in my mind to leave. I did have my people and my Counselor my victories. It was nice to have my group who cared.
I don’t know about anyone else but this made me cry, that feeling of it isn’t just me, that feeling of shame for allowing it to go on for so long and also that feeling of freedom because I’ve cut these evil people out of my life. To all you survivors I salute you and to all those suffering mahooosive hugs and healing vibes ❤️
One punch back that worked for me, and actually struck a blow to my narcissist was.. “the first time you destroyed me…this time, you destroyed yourself”. He knew how completely devestated i was, it took me 3+ years to recover. This time he sees no tears, only contempt and it’s breaking him. He lashes out to try to blame shift and distract but all he gets as a reaction is a snicker and a snuff.
“You’re getting rid of yourself” wow! Perfectly said! That’s how I’ve always been for most everybody from my mom!, to all the men who’ve been in my life, to my children who have kicked me out because I’m not doing what they believe I should be doing!! And for the first time ever I’m alone and have ZERO idea WHO I AM!!
My mother has narcissistic tendencies, my older sister was horribly physically abused and I was groomed for enmeshment. I was jealous of my sister’s physical abuse because it is easier to leave when the abuse is clear cut. Emotional abuse, especially when it is chaotic (where there is a lot of good with a lot of confusion and a bit of really bad experiences), you will spend years second guessing abandoning the abuser.
Everything Dr Rhamani says is1000% right. But one reason that is really relevant why people don’t leave ?? Financial situation I can’t leave medical can’t leave. Yes all true I’m one of them. And yes I detach from identity. I’m on to him. I know who and what he is. You can’t fix the narc. But you can fix what I think and know. !!! Thank you again Dr. You have helped me survive
What just hit me was that I survived my mom, then my first husband. I ended up at 36 years old with ZERO sense of self…. it was ALL about what they said and thought….. and then a few friends showed up with narcissism along the way but I finally arrived at 64 years old after some recovery, strong as hell and FREE from this evil mental condition in friends and family in my life. Thank you Dr Ramani for being our public voice!
I’m a narcissistic abuse survivor. My entire family are narcissists, both of my parents and my siblings are all the same. They all hate me because I’m not like them, so I’ve been a punching bag for all of them my entire life. It’s been so difficult, stressful, sad, and extremely hurtful dealing with all of this. I’m trying to heal from my entire life of abuse now that I have disconnected with my entire family’s unhealthy behavior! My mom is extremely manipulative and it’s all about her all the time. She has never told me she’s proud of me ever. She abandoned me at 10 yrs old. She told me she’d come back for me and I never seen or heard from her again until I was a grown adult. My mom and my dad are both narcissistic but different types. So I couldn’t escape the abuse. My siblings are abusive towards me as well they think I’m the problem and they are all perfect.
Thank you for understanding the people who have to stay. I do feel ashamed about these practical reasons. This makes me feel better. I’m pretty much over the other stuff. I know it won’t change. This is a day at a time, and one day it may be possible. But I’m NOT going to harm myself in the process. And I’m learning to ignore the ” just leave” people. I’m also getting less afraid of the tantrums because they really aren’t about me. Now, I’m trying to figure out who I am! And Radical Acceptance is changing my life. It’s so freeing!
The greatest empowerment every woman should have is being empowered financially and mentally. This way you will be at the top of your food chain. Being finally free is one thing every woman should be looking after. I wasn’t financial free until my 40’s and I’m still in my 40’s, bought my second house already, earn on a monthly basis via my investment and got 5 out of 5 goals, just hope it encourages someone that it doesn’t matter if you don’t have any of them right now, you can start TODAY regardless your age INVEST and change your future! Investing in the financial market is a grand choice I made. Great article! Thanks for sharing! Very inspiring! I love this!
This had a powerful impact on me! I am a year into the process of putting in the real work to heal from my childhood trauma and at 42 years old am finally able to recognize how the early coping mechanisms I implemented helped me as a kid were the very patterns and concepts that held me back from becoming and accepting and embracing my true self as an adult. After years of finding myself in one toxic relationship after another I now understand how being the firstborn to a narcissistic mother set me on crash course of being used and emotionally and physically abused in every romantic relationship. Now at 42 years old, for the first time in my life, I feel capable of identifying the flags I’ve previously ignored and I have the confidence to listen to and trust my gut instincts without being consumed with self doubt and acceptance of disrespectful treatment. This gave me so much reassurance and confirmation that I really have healed and the freedom from external validation and acceptance of others being the measure of my value or worth is AMAZING! Thank you ladies for your open and authentic dialogue!
My first husband did not want me to go to college. He wanted to suppress me. i worked as a secretary during the day and did typing for companies at night. He took all the money I made from both jobs and gave me back $3 a week. One week I asked if i could have more money and he beat me up because I spent 87 cents on a taco. These talks describe him.
When I finally decided to leave my husband after 32 years of marriage. My Christian friends told me that I was wrong for leaving that I should try and work it out. I explain to them that if it’s not working by now, it’s not going to! If he’s not willing to work with me then my marriage is dead and I can’t make my marriage work by myself!!
I always thought in all my relationships that the men I was with in past relationships that they always ended up hating me for the very same reasons they came to fall in love with me… today I know they were all narcissists, granted different types, which was/is why it continued happening. I was so bothered by it back then and so confused but I understand it now.
The narc I was married to, his whole family would joke and shake their heads talking about what a difficult child he was. His mom said many times “I had to get him a job at 14 years old just to keep him out of trouble.” The narc’s siblings would also share stories about how mean he was and how he picked on all of them.
This article made me queasy.. in a good way. I realized I’m dating another narcissist. I’m trauma trained/bonded. I’m getting secret help about the violence and threats and then I’ll find a way to ditch him and even probably say “it’s not you, it’s me” fluff so he can feel smug and just hopefully and pray that he’ll leave me alone. Leave him on a cloud of smugness. I’ll be happy to get away and hope he leaves me alone somehow. Prayers will be needed.
When I started revolting to my husband’s awful behavior he got scared and kind of let me know his inner self . He did tell me ” He is like that and he cannot help being that way, for the matter of fact he had already told me even before marriage that ” He does not have confidence and he can not keep anybody happy “. And why did he have to tell this to a female through who he tried to check if he was capable enough of attracting females and had enough mettle .But the point is was this hurt that he gave me by telling me about himself after I had fallen for him a part of Narcissism itself, or he had tried to confide in me . Also why would I believe in what he felt about himself when I saw he was so otherwise good in everything . He had a good family back ground, he had parents on good positions, he had smart siblings and he was studying medicine with me so what did I as a Doctor want in my life . An educated and sober family and an educated and elegant man that he was . His dress up and his polite ways were all so perfect . So why would I believe him than just think oh ! He is younger to me so may be that was the reason he felt so, or may be men do face confidence issues when it came to handling relationship issues, at least less so than the females . So then I gave him the benefit of doubt . The point is when he saw I was a kind of female who opened up and gave him a platform where he could trust me blindly, to that extent I worked on boosting his self … so that.. he could be comfortable with whoever he was but it is such a misery that even such a person could back stab by his Narscissistic nature .
I grew up with a narcissistic sister. The stories, when she was a toddler, are a dead give-away to her narcissistic personality. Growing up, I always wondered why she had no empathy. Nothing could bother her, except when someone wronged her. The catchy thing is that she’s super sweet. But beware: Never wrong her because she won’t forget, and will utterly destroy you. She even takes years to plant the seeds, water them through the people around her, until she has ruined your reputation beyond any possible reparation. Always with a smile.
The man from “Raw Motivations” is a self-aware narcissist who is actually working on himself, thank God/thank goodness, and has stated that if a victim of a narcissist goes to couple therapy together with their narcissist BE WARE, and be careful, because the expert at manipulating people, as well as being a liar, can very possibly turn the situation on the victim and make the victim look like they are the ones who are to blame and that they are the one with anger management problems, etc., which is actually originating from the actual individuals who is the abusive one in the relationship, ie., narcissistic traits that are causing the problems. I say this with the utmost respect and compassion for all. Good luck and I love you all. Be safe, and may the Universe/God bless, protect, heal and guide us all.
You can’t help the family you were born into but you don’t need to get on their train journey. But standing by your values and being a humanist to do something right is not the same thing. I would never ignore anybody suffering (or animal). I learnt along time ago that any information is what feeds the Narcassist and they will always twist it later and hurt and invalidate you. I don’t need validation from anybody if I achieve something. I have leanrt to pat myself on the back. Stops them dead.
Gave up home & job (got married first) and once that was done, it was time for spouse to start threatening divorce, not allowing control over my own body, bullying, hysterics, screaming when their way was thwarted, gaslighting, did I say threatening divorce? I was so lucky to get out. I did walk away, leaving a great “golden parachute” on the table, got enough to buy a house. The cruelty and divorce threats finally got to me. No more. It was nuts.
yup, on many ocassions my partner can talk about himself for houuuurrrrrssss and when I try to get a word in about something he either dismisses it, says it’s killing his vibe, or I’m being selfish. suspect he’s bipolar too because he is susceptible to self harm. I feel like a prisoner that gets screamed at every other day for trivial things.
I stayed when my narc husband was just attacking me but, when he started abusing our kids: physically and verbally that was it. In October 2017 he told our 17 year old daughter who was newly diagnosed with T1D to commit suicide. Sorry – that’s not ok! He’s worse now than ever! Our 3 oldest children (ages 23, 21 and 19) do not have a relationship with him. Our 3 younger children are being FORCED to visit with him; thankfully they’re supervised for now. My kids know that God gives them their identity – they do not find their identity in another person’s words.
Dr. Ramani and Lisa! Thank you again for another informative, genuine discussion about narcissism. I love the idea about the fluid boundaries and calling on the gray area of communicating when our a’s, b’s, c’s etc. comes in. We need to protect ourself whatever way we can to best help ourself and our loved ones. We all have our levels of feeling safe and its not always safe to treat everyone like an a. I love that you both are genuine and say what really is happening in life. It helps so many of us cope with fewer surprises about narcissism. You are doing such a wonderful job Dr. Ramani keeping our eyes wide open to the nuts and bolts of narcissism. Thank you for helping us keep our lights on!! Congratulations on being nominated for the podcast emmy!!!
I started a relationship 4 months ago and from day one I had constant anxiety that I didn’t understand why. Eventually I realized the narcissist behavior I was picking up, but the connection was never right. I was trying because I thought I was projecting my previous narcissistic relationship, but my body knew something was wrong. I could never answer people how my relationship was going, I would always say I’m still trying to figure things out. When something difficult happens to me, their reaction showed me exactly what my body was telling me from day one. That’s when I put my self first and walked away.
My sister’s husband moved them to a small rural town where there is little chance for her to form close relationships and he keeps her busy 24/7 with phone calls during the day and demands at home. He has made her responsible for every aspect of his life, even where he eats lunch, as his job requires travel. He even holds her responsible for their daughter in grad school in another city getting an oil change locally when he has always been in charge of that. The creeping control of these men is incredible.
I’ve grown accustomed to my partners narcissistic behavior. I counter him, call him out and embarrass him in front of his ‘friends’ (people he talks to EVERYDAY online). I ignore his tantrums and just be me. Everyone is seeing his true self and they don’t like him for it. Thrive begun to ignore him and brush off his attention seeking behavior. It’s fantastic.
Love that statement, “Aint about you! ….So they rage… the eggshells come from you thinking you can do something about it. You can’t, so live your life.” All the training I’ve had in working with intellectually disabled and in education helped me prepare for my current marriage. There was so much I didn’t see behind the man I fell in love with 10 years ago. We were married 5 years ago. About 2 years in, after buying a house together and me having success at my job, it started changing…. slowly. Then we were in 2 car accidents in 2 days, and things have been radically different. I tried appeasing at first and such, but I am getting better about not allowing it to phase me. Sunday morning he was suddenly in a bad mood after agreeing with me that I was right, and I was unphased. He settled down about an hour later. I’m returning to living my life anyway. Thank you for confirming that this is the right action 💕
Astrologically speaking, anniversary is like your relationship’s birthday, not time to use spotlight to celebrate, but to shine on what’s going on, what direction are we looking forward to, what to add, subtract etc. should do the same on our birthdays. My guy and I used to renew our contract every year. One year we decided to go our separate ways, but no in a hateful way.
Thank you for sharing the story of the daughter feeling relief when her mother passed. I didn’t know the man others spoke of at my dad’s funeral. I was relieved when he passed & it was like a huge weight off my shoulders. AND I am finally starting to feel like I fit with my family. I love my siblings and missed out on life with them.
Mmmmhmmmm…. I have felt this incongruity in the body MANY TIMES, around a fair number of people! “Forgiving and forgetting” has ALWAYS left me open to huge vulnerability in this case! And guess WHAT: MY BODY HAS never BEEN WRONG!! I have had sensations as varied as: awkwardness, agitation, blah, intense anger, apprehension…to hiccups, gastric upset, shaking and EVEN a sense of smothering!?! It’s truly time to go back to “the ancient ways”, I truly believe! Thank you, so much, Dr. Ramani!!
I love the way describe them! You’ve given me strength that I haven’t felt for weeks. I was in an abusive relationship with a narc for 13 years. Finally got free of him, but got blind sided again by another one and that intensified the pain even more and I got even more lost, after doing so well from finally getting free of the previous one. It opened up the wounds deeply. Long story lol. Thank you. You’re helping lift the fog
It’s been almost 5 months for my discard, like you always tell us, Andrew… Healing is not linear. In these cases, letting go is all part of our healing, indeed. When we continue to try to communicate with either them, flying monkeys, perusal them on social media, Etc… We are opening up the wound you need to give it time to heal❤
I have been the getter-outer of the car, who was seen by others (who weren’t there) as the one who was problematic/dramatic. This whole article has been sooo validating to what I went through. It’s not crazy to be intolerant of being trapped into a small space and berated for no reason. I am incredibly lucky to have caught onto things quickly and gotten out of the relationship after only 6-7 months.
My mother and good friend are both in narcissistic relationships. They staying for different reasons. My mother for financial and my friend because, as Dr Ramani said, not every day is a bad day (emotional). Although I desperately wanted my mother to leave for many years, I now accept she won’t. She handles him well, mostly by distance. Their arrangement is pretty much ships in the night. She ignores him like toddler throwing a tantrum and has established firm boundaries. She will be relived when he’s dead, yes but she knows how to handle him when alive. I basically never see him and ghost his messages. My friend is a few years in. But she is losing herself. I made sure to tell her how proud I am for a recent accomplishment, when he couldn’t care less. She has her good people, her friends and family. My hope is that once she is in her new job, she will have enough self confidence to leave.
I actually left and said, “I could get over if you had an affair, what I can not get over is how you treat me!” We had been together nearly 35 years and I shared after he retorted, “I never thought you’d leave.” Me, ” Even I have my limits.” Then I pulled out of the drive way with the movers following me. It was hard but not as hard as years later after COVID, missing my family that I raised in that house. My children were all gone when the previous happened but we have never really come together fully since the divorce.
Oh my God about the raging in the car! One of my worst experiences was with my first narcissistic boyfriend in the car. My Dad was dying in the hospital. He drove me down to say my goodbyes. He raged at me about a separate issue on our way down into Philadelphia to the hospital. He punched the ceiling of the car as he raged. Told me this is why he didn’t think we were going to work out because I was this or that, didn’t do this or that. I wanted to just get out of the car. I’ve never cried like I did that day, silently. After he was done raging. Tears were jumping out of my eyes. They literally were squirting out, and I just let them. It’s one of the saddest times I remember and I sometimes just think about how awful that day was. We went to the hospital and a priest came to pray with us. My boyfriend then proceeded to cry and have his head on my shoulder while I had no choice but to hold him in front of the Priest, and a nurse in the room. He just threw himself onto me and needed ME, to comfort him. The priest and the nurse saw how uncomfortable I became. I had a befuddled look and I couldn’t find it in me to comfort him after all it was my father that was dying. I just hate that day. But I now understand it, because of how you teach us Doc Ramani. But sometimes I can’t help ruminating about that day. We split the following year. My mother was my first narcissist person in my life. I was young and was just treated so terrible all of those years. It wasn’t until I had some therapy after my brother’s suicide, that I started learning about boundaries, and toxic relationships.
Too true. 3rd person with the same narcissistic type personality. In 16 years. Ten years. 5 years and then the most recent. Good for the first 6 to 8 weeks. I literally woke up one morning to this screaming person! There is too much to put into words 😮😅. Not okay to stay in just because they are decent to my children, my mother/father, etc, and then belittle you simultaneously. Bless you both. Much love, peace, harmony, hope, and light to everyone! ❤❤🎉
I pushed a few of your articles already, but you said LA and that really pulled my attention. The house I’m living in was bought by the narcissist. I’ve been under control for the last seven years and I am now leaving everything because I finally woke up housing in LA yeah no joke. FYI, don’t ever move to Boron California ever.!!! Even if it keeps you from being homeless!!
OMG this is sooooo important. Thank you*thank you*thank you for giving my dignity back to me…or helping me see my dignity was right there in front of me the whole time. I was living it out in the way I chose to treat the narcissists in my life. Instead of seeing myself as the mouse, the obsequious toady, the codependent, the whatever — all the various derogatory things I called myself when I was compassionate toward the narcissists in my life — you helped me today. You told the story of the woman who treated her narc mother with empathy and care because of who SHE was and HER values instead of being spiteful or holding a grudge. It was so hard to take care of my own mother, but I did it because of who I was as a person. And I’m glad I did.
That’s what I realized with the passive-aggressive covert narcissistic husband whom I am just recently separated from, he had a problem with me being myself. And I was thinking, how did we get here? Was I overly accommodating to him before and when things weren’t being reciprocated from him and he was dragging me down, and he was abusing me psychologically, emotionally and financially daily for 8 years and I just couldn’t stand him anymore, then got to where I didn’t care to be a part of what he wanted anymore?
The no empathy thing is so accurate. My ex thought she was a super empath but very much not so… On the anniversary of MY mums death my ex would cry about how she also missed my mum (who she had never even met) Then later would call that empathy because she was “feeling my feelings for me” Thanks.. I can handle feeling my own feelings 😂
I’m trying to figure out if my bipolar like husband is narcissistic. Mental disorders are so confusing, and being a person who sees the light and believes in change, I keep thinking it will change. I’m not physically abused, but I’m a shell of who I was. I definitely know why I stay and working on a way to have choices in my near future.
I don’t think we realize how seriously damaging being chronically invalidated is! I too felt leaving would be easier if he cheated or was really rotten consistently. I wanted to keep hating him but when he’d throw crumbs you’re gonna jump at the chance to eat when starving. For a few yrs I knew being chronically invalidated and berated was abusive, like everything else terrible a narcissist does. I tried to tell myself I could self validate and be my own support. Yes, I can, but it’s heartbreaking when someone you’ve chosen to share life with never invests in you. It’s very lonely being with a narcissist. I feel much better being alone now, honoring and being kind to myself, taking care of my very valid needs.
I have raised a narcissistic child. She’s now 19 & I can’t get her out of my house. It’s to the point that I want to pack up & move, leave her there, & let her figure it out on her own. I have tried to show her natural consequences, but she blames me for everything. She is the one out of 4. Everything you’re saying in this article, Dr. Ramani, is EXACTLY what I’m going through w my child! 😭
This is nuts. Both of my parents are narcissistic. They were back then, and are now. I’m the child who overlooks the fact that they’re my parents. I look at them for who they are, I keep my distance. I don’t celebrate anything with them, I keep my distance. They think I’m fake and a trader but the truth is, I just ain’t fuckin with them like that bcuz…. I know who they are!
Wow. Everything Dr. Ramani said set off buzzers in my brain, and brought up so many memories of growing up with a vulnerable narcissistic mother, then having a 6-year relationship with a malignant narcissistic boyfriend. She is such an invaluable expert in this field, and she hits it out of the park with everything she says. I have healed and grown so much from her articles in the last few years that I can’t thank her enough. And, thank you, Lisa, for having such illuminating conversations with such an intelligent and diverse number of women. You are doing us a great service and helping us to grow. You have a great thing going here, and I hope you continue for years! All the best to you.