Complacency is a common issue in relationships, where one partner takes their relationship for granted and believes they will remain. This can lead to feelings of indifference, disinterest, and boredom. It can be caused by various factors such as indifference towards the partner, not wanting to behave nicely, wishing to give up, and declining sex life. To avoid complacency, it is essential to do something new every week, use goals to motivate the relationship, keep dating and laughing, and never give up.
To avoid complacency, it is important to be patient with your spouse, cultivate romance, and ask for emotional support when needed. Additionally, be aware of the signs of complacency, such as poor communication, lack of quality time, and blaming the partner for their shortcomings.
When a partner becomes complacent, it is crucial to avoid anger and focus on the bigger picture instead of making rash decisions. Be kind to yourself and your partner, practicing forgiveness for both parties. Complacency can lead to loneliness, bitterness, and indifference, which can cause the slow and painful death of a relationship.
Betrayals can occur when a partner’s unhappiness blinds them, and it is important to recognize and address complacency to prevent further damage. By doing something new every week, using goals to motivate the relationship, and maintaining a healthy and connected relationship, you can help prevent complacency and maintain a healthy and happy marriage.
📹 Husband is Completely Disengaged in our Marriage (What Can I Do?)
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What are the dangers of complacency in marriage?
When we become complacent, we may stop putting in the effort to make our partner feel loved, valued, and desired. The psychological impact of becoming complacent can be subtle yet powerful. It can lead to feelings of loneliness, a lack of fulfillment and purpose, resentment toward your partner, and even depression.
How to deal with a complacent husband?
How Do You Overcome Relationship Complacency?Adopt a new mindset that realizes and recognizes that relationships require active effort.Compliment and take notice of each other.Set ample alone time for just the two of you.Try to shake up your daily routine.Be honest with yourself and with your partner.
You’re in a relationship. You’re feeling good about it. You love your partner. Your partner loves you back. You know each other well. You talk, your partner listens. Your partner talks, you listen back. You’re cozy. And it’s easy. And there are no challenges or outbursts. There’s love. Or at least you think and know there is. You’re just not feeling it in the same way you used to.
It’s almost as if love has been replaced with comfort, convenience, and security. You feel pleasant, however not great. There’s a fleeting sense, a brief moment when you feel something’s off and then it passes, and you’re back to the warm bliss of the familiar. You block off potential problems in your relationship and postpone the need to improve intimacy in a relationship.
And you feel good again ignoring that voice in the back of your mind that craves a bit more fireworks. You’re taking your love life for granted and you seem to be enjoying it. However, falling prey to this kind of complacency in a relationship can end up being the very bane that brings havoc where there was harmony. Putting a stop to it is an important mission that will breathe new life into your relationship. How to do it? Begin with the basics.
How do you break the cycle of complacency?
Here is the secret to breaking complacency:. Change your routine! – Small changes to a routine can make it interesting again. Small changes you can take include taking a different route to work, listening to something different in the morning, or even rearranging your work space. These small things can refresh and reinvigorate your efforts.
Focus on specifics tasks! – List specific task you want to accomplish (think ‘To-Do list) and then focus just on those. When they are completed add them to an accomplishment catalog, a list of all the things youve accomplished). Often it can be difficult to remember all the things we achieved over a months, week, or even a single day. Cataloging all the things youve accomplished can help you remember all the progress youve made. Refer to this is times you feel “Stuck” and break the complacency cycle.
Gamify your efforts! – Adding an element of fun to tasks and responsibilities can make them more rewarding. Like Mary Poppins said, “A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down.” Ive seen teams develop miniature competitions to help them stay engaged during mundane tasks. Ive seen copy editors reward themselves with a single M&M after each paragraph they completed. Find a way to make your work more fun and watch how easy it is to break complacency.
For more tips on overcoming complacency check out this article on Battling Burnout: HERE.
What is the first stage of complacency?
During this first period of time with an activity or skill it is possible and normally quite natural to self-trigger or to be able to self-trigger on the amount of hazardous energy. And as a result, its easy to stay focused. It may even seem, at least when you first start out, that it would be impossible to become complacent. However, as we all know, the initial fear rarely lasts forever. And over a period of time, depending on the activity or skill required, we come to the first stage of complacency. This is where the fear or skill is no longer pre-occupying. And as mentioned in previous articles, we dont give our minds permission to wander. It happens without our permission or without making a decision to think about something else (Figure #1). So even if you dont have anything else you need to think about or want to think about, your mind can still drift away. But if youre rushing, chances are its for a reason. It might be because you want to get there early. More likely, its because you dont want to be late. Either way, thats what most people think about when theyre rushing—not what is the risk in the moment – right now (driving really fast on a city street). And if the consequences for being late are going to be really bad (late for meeting at work).
Then the stronger the “pull” to go back or to start thinking about that again (like how many people are probably in the meeting room already). So self-triggering on rushing – when the rushing is intense – is easy in terms of it not being difficult to notice. Its easy enough to realize that youre moving really fast or doing way too many things at once. What isnt so easy is how compelling it is to let your mind go back to the reason youre rushing or the problems being late will cause.
The same thing is true for frustration. When youre really angry, its easy to recognize, so you can self-trigger, come back to the moment and make an effort to keep your eyes and mind on task (driving to work). But depending on how much frustration, it might be difficult not to keep drifting back.
What creates complacent behavior?
Success makes people complacent. Success makes us overconfident. The more successful we are, the more vulnerable we are to complacency. OK. We’ve learned that complacency is not laziness. Success makes us overconfident, self-satisfied, and smug. This makes us unaware of dangers. We become vulnerable to competition, market changes, government regulation, environmental factors, and shifts in consumer or customer dynamics. Because complacency comes from success, we have something to lose. What should we do about it?
What does complacency look like in a relationship?
Essentially, its a level of comfort in a relationship; complacency is when you feel overly comfortable with your partner and dont feel you need to put extra effort into the relationship to keep it going. Getting complacent may cause you to go on autopilot and let the relationship stall. Without effort, relationships tend to deteriorate over time.1.
- Typically, couples try the hardest to impress one another at the beginning of a relationship, which is sometimes called a “honeymoon period” and tends to last anywhere from a few months to a couple of years.
- Complacency often develops a couple of years into a relationship, after the honeymoon period ends. Over time, partners may stop making an effort, causing the relationship to lose steam.
- Complacency can indicate a secure attachment to your partner and confidence that your feelings for them are mutual.
- However, remember that its still important to put effort into the relationship—not because youre worried your partner will leave, but because they deserve your effort and affection, no matter how secure and comfortable things feel!
Complacency can make partners apathetic toward one another and even cause them to fall out of love. Over time, it robs partners of their motivation to show up for one another, keep improving the relationship, communicate, and resolve conflicts. In short, complacency can make partners and spouses feel disconnected and unsatisfied in their relationship.2.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Sometimes, one spouse leaves the other in a seemingly abrupt manner. It leaves the other spouse reeling, and it may shock family and friends. Theres a term for this: walkaway wife syndrome. This term is sometimes used to describe instances where a spouse – often the wife – has felt alone, neglected, and resentful in a deteriorating marriage and decides its time to end it.
What is walkaway wife syndrome?. Although the term “walkaway wife syndrome” might make it sound like a spur-of-the-moment decision, the “walkaway” usually comes after a long period of unresolved conflict. The divorce that results is sometimes years in the making.
After unsuccessfully trying to get her spouse to deal with their relationship issues, the wife in this situation finally decides its futile. She has taken time to consider all her options and prepared herself mentally, emotionally, and financially to leave the marriage.
What are the 4 pillars of unhappy marriage?
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph. D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, is a Philadelphia-based marriage and family therapist, certified Gottman therapist, and director and therapist at A Better Life Therapy. She received her masters in couples and and family therapy from Thomas Jefferson University.
. The research has found that it is not differences in background, age, or even opinions that make or break a relationship. Rather, its behaviors, particularly regarding how people communicate, that influence the health of a relationship the most. Among the most important findings is a set of communication habits dubbed The Four Horsemen.
Gottman named these four communication habits as a play on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Christian Bibles New Testament. Those four horsemen—conquest, war, hunger, and death—signaled the end of times. Similarly, when there is a chronic use of Gottmans Four Horsemen, research has shown the relationship is likely to become unstable and unhappy and, in likelihood, will end.
Why complacency kills relationships?
Complacency Cons. Complacency could be called the relationship killer considering how many problems it causes. When you are complacent, you stop trying to grow or improve. This can mean that you stop putting in the effort you used to and stop doing the little things. This actually kills relationships more than you might think.
When youre complacent, youre likely not improving your relationship at all. That means you might argue with your partner more and lack the conflict resolution and communication skills to calm and improve the situation while preventing similar issues in the future. With the lack of improvement, you could eventually start noticing that your relationship is actually getting worse and that small issues are big deals now.
Youll also generally start taking your partner for granted and not appreciating them as much. Think about it, if you dont care much about the relationship youre currently in, you might start caring less about your partner or even be more likely to cheat on them.
What is the number one thing that destroys a marriage?
1. Lack of Honesty. Often when we think of honesty, notably honesty in marital relationships, we think of a very tangible “where were you last night” kind of honesty. While this is obviously critically important, there are many other kinds of dishonesty that can destroy marriages.
Honesty regarding things such as spending habits, internet relationships, and substance use or addiction can create cracks in a marriage that quickly become chasms. Fostering secrecy regarding these issues can lead to creating secret lives that not only keep our partners out, but can involve ever more consuming relationships with other people (or substances or behaviors such as gambling) that then can become primary in our lives. Our partners soon cannot compete with the pull and attraction to these secret lives and marriages fail. Affairs often begin this way.
Affairs also often begin as a result of a failure in our most basic and difficult form of honesty; emotional honesty. Emotional dishonesty involves withholding, denying, or simply lying about how we feel in regard to our partner, our marriage, or ourselves. Saying “Im fine” when we are not may seem like an innocent response to an inquiry about our day or how we are feeling, but if it is not true, then it is dishonest.
What is a toxic marriage?
Ask a Fort Worth Divorce Lawyer: What is a Toxic Marriage?. A toxic marriage is a marriage in which the partners are unable to build trust, create a healthy and balanced relationship, or remain committed to the promises they have made to each other. Toxic marriages are characterized by constant conflict, emotional manipulation, criticism, and a lack of respect for one another. In these types of relationships, one or both partners may feel disconnected, unheard, and disrespected.
Additionally, there may be a lack of emotional intimacy and trust between the two partners. Common issues in toxic marriages include poor communication skills, unhappiness in the relationship, unresolved issues from past relationships, jealousy, infidelity, and a lack of understanding of each others needs. It is often difficult to recognize when a marriage is becoming toxic as the signs can be subtle, and it can take time for them to build up.
Signs Youre in a Toxic Marriage. Often, in a toxic marriage, one or both partners already suspect that the relationship is toxic. When you begin to develop negative feelings towards your partner that you once loved, it can be a sign that you are no longer in a healthy relationship.
📹 When Your Partner Becomes Complacent In Your Relationship
What you should do if your partner becomes complacent in your relationship, lets themselves go and doesn’t make an effort.
My husband and I have been together 20 years, married 15. At one point in our marriage, we were like this. My husband was passive with both me and our kids. After trying everything, I decided to try nothing at all. I asked him for nothing, invited him to nothing, made all the decisions (which I did anyways) without asking for input and led myself and my kids while he figured himself out. Over time he realized what was happening and took it upon himself to begin to lead. He didn’t want us to not want or need him and of course I was extatic when he came to the conclusion.
I don’t think it’s just the romance. It’s the fact she does all the EMOTIONAL work. Raising children isn’t just cook, clean, homework, taking them places and giving them baths. It’s the time you need to invest in the emotional aspect when you have 600 other things hanging over you. When you need to focus on something else but you put that to the side to focus on your child’s needs. Even if it seems stupid, when they are little the little things you take seriously will show them that in their teens you are going to be there. But that is time and effort and emotionally draining. She sounds drained emotionally. She sounds like when he’s there he’s a wall, he’s giving the bare minimum.
My wife expressed similar concerns to me recently, though I can confidently say I’m more engaged than this husband is, I am still far from perfect but I did get to explain to my wife that when I do try to parent, or be more involved, or be in charge, I get reprimanded, overruled, or disrespected. It has happened so much that the part of me that wants to be engaged is slowly shutting down, which is why I started looking at my phone more, not being as involved, not being proactive. Without realizing my wife punished my efforts and without me realizing, I was checking out. We’re both working on our angles and trying to find common ground. Marriage is a difficult dance.
I love how guys will say “he’s bringing home a paycheck” like thats the freaking bare minimum. Imagine a mother just feeding, clothing, and changing their kids diaper and then leaving them alone in a room all day instead of nurturing them and teaching them things. Like “she kept them alive what more do you want?” It’s ridiculous.
I did all of this with my ex husband. He just wouldn’t step up. I was exhausted from holding it all together. I felt like the tug boat, pulling all these ships behind me. My kids are grown and now realize how disconnected their dad is. 😢 It’s heartbreaking to watch my sons realize this. My new husband has invested in my sons more than my ex ever did.
I really do believe that controlling wives (women) have demasculated the men in their lives and add to the passiveness of those men. I came to this realization years ago that my controlling ways helped my husband to be insecure. I basically told him by my actions that he was not capable of taking care of anything. I think we all need to look at ourselves and build up our men, rather than tearing them down and always telling them what they are not doing well. It has literally changed my marriage in so many ways. My husband has so much more confidence when I step back and stop trying to control everything.
Our next door neighbor (in her mid 40s) felt this way. Her husband was an engineer who worked a lot, took care of the house, engaged with her and the kids, but it was never enough. She divorced him. She’s now working a full time job, miserable, and stressed out everyday. He is now happy and dating another woman. Message to women out there who have decent husbands but you feel this way…be careful what you wish for. The grass isn’t always greener
My ex husband suffers with depression and PTSD. I felt exactly how this wife feels. I felt like I was carrying the relationship. I started to resent him. Resentment killed our marriage. I would tell him in detail what I need from him as a husband..with examples. It’s like his brain couldn’t comprehend it. He would do it for a week and then back to his habits. I asked for a divorce to relieve him of husband duties because it seemed as if it was killing him to do basic things in a marriage…like don’t watch Netflix at the dinner table with your family. He was checked out…so I gave him his pass to be free. I hope and pray this guy gets counseling and really define what it is he wants out of life. I hope this wife doesn’t let resentment set in but also take care of herself and kids. This is so sad.
I have been married 38 years and this situation is mostly my marriage. I can’t stress more how lonely unloved I feel. I didn’t leave because I was too scared to handle all the financial responsibilities. I end up doing that anyway. Now he totally resents me talks bad behind my back about me. to our married children. I don’t feel I can start over at 70 without being alone.. am still scared. This program helped if I could get him to stop lying to himself.
Just wanna say as a man in a Mormon marriage like this. John hits it right at the end. The nagging and manipulation is overwhelming. The message that is heard is “you’re not good enough”. And having every moment critiqued it’s easier to disconnect than deal with the criticism over every little thing
I felt a ton of sympathy for her until she mentioned that he was like this when she married him. She knew whom she was marrying. This is on her. Never ever ever marry someone for who they COULD be (or who you WANT them to be)! Only marry someone if you love the person they currently are. And if you don’t love the person they are, don’t marry them!
I have Asperger’s, PTSD, and suffer from depression and the occasional panic attack. It is a very hard way to live. I don’t wish this on anyone. My wife suffered depression and PTSD as a young child as she lost a few friends and family from fatal accidents. We are each other’s coping mechanisms. We help each other get thru the pain.
Too many men expect their wives to be like their mothers and do everything for them. A lot of the time they don’t even realize it because they’re being taken care of and it’s just comfortable. But she’s had enough of carrying the lion’s share of the chores and responsibilities and she’s wiped out. This usually doesn’t end well unless there’s a major change in the family dynamic.
Yes, this call was my life!! I’m now 30 years divorced, raised 4 kids by myself. I no longer wanted to be the only driver. He was spoiled by his family, never grew up. Even now, his 42 year old son remodeled his house and bought him a car. He is still at 75 years old, accepts help from his kids with absolutely no shame. They tell me it’s embarrassing to them, so they have to do something. You see, It will never change. Unless you get out!
She takes on the role of family director in all things because otherwise the things that need to be accomplished will simply be left unattended to. And the beginning of a relationship is supposed to be easy. so she isn’t wrong for expecting that with the time invested and the love cultivated throughout the course of creating a family together there would be some mutual care and consideration developed along the way.
I’m more of an intuitive person (I absorb information more subconsciously) while my wife’s attention to detail is highly developed. So, basically she can out-argue me on most differences in opinion we might have. Unfortunately I have conceded on a lot of big decisions we have made over the years because I’m too conflict avoidant and never felt like my argumentation would be convincing enough anyway. So when he mentioned that the husband might be depressed and feeling like he’s just along for the ride…. I really felt that.
Hard to listen too. After 28 years of marriage, 3 children, and no feelings, it was over. I was no longer the dad, husband, leader. I was the historical spermicide donor. My counselor told me I would never put her on a pedestal high enough. Narcissism at it’s finest. After the divorce, and now being remarried, I know it was not me. This lady needs to work on herself, not him. He will never be wants she imagines. You did not help her focus on what she can control.
As a 20 year old trying to come into my manhood and eventually becoming a good husband, this man’s life sounds exactly like mine. Padded, set up, everything just falls into place, and all this leading to a lack of drive and purpose. And I have gone through discussions with my girlfriend that sound just like what she is saying. This article just adds to the already strong feeling that I have to do whatever I can to avoid the fate that this poor man has set himself up for. I feel for this woman and I really hope he can take some control of his life and his relationships and become the man that he and his family deserve.
Yikes, when he asked her, “Come on, he put in so much effort when you were first dating, right?!” And her reply, “No, he didn’t, actually …” That’s my story with my ex! A few exes, actually. I never let them do the chasing, mostly bc I lack(ed) the self worth to believe that a guy would do that over me. And so I chose a guy just like the one on this call, who needed so much for me to take care of every aspect of initiating our life. …
Dr. Delony repeatedly asks, ‘What is it?” I’m having the same experience. What do we women want from these guys who are financially responsible, are basically civil, but not tuned in? Spiritual cognition. When I started to learn what kind of connection a marriage actually represents and how two people can have it, that’s when the truth of what we don’t have started to become obvious. When we got together, we had a strong physical connection and we worked together pretty good. Then he settled in and I was growing personally and my views on life were changing but we weren’t having any verbal exchanges about who we were becoming over time. It’s like he thinks of me as a pet dog, always by his side for whatever. He doesn’t know me or understand me because he’s not interested and doesn’t ask questions about anything. He insists that he does ask questions, but that I am the one who refuses to answer.. I just don’t think asking me what I’m cooking is the kind of question that engages a discussion about us, who are we now, how are we changing from the people we were when we met? What do we each want from this marriage? On a spiritual level is where we discover who, what, why in a way that bonds two hearts to make one life. Instead, we are living two different lives. One is a fantasy and one is the reality of loneliness. Why are wives typically the lonely ones?
Her case is far too common these days. My husband is pretty much like that (peaceful, no yelling/hitting, provides a roof over our head and food on the table, very passive). I do know what I want from him, which are leading our sons to manhood and maintaining the household (i.e. fix things around the house). People called my husband “lazy”, “non-existed”, “phantom husband’, “(said to me) I only imagine I have a husband!” My husband always takes a backseat and acts more like a nice uncle in the house (with the boys). I see myself as a married single mom. We have been married for 18 years, with 3 sons who are middle and high schoolers. Similar to Melissa, I have been devoting myself into the family until the kids turn double digits, I feel the need that the father has to step up and lead the boys to become men. Then, I realized that he is incapable of doing it. He doesn’t teach/discipline/parent the kids. He avoids every hard or new stuff, leaving them all to me. Since I have no access to the finance, he controls everything in the household. He does give me a credit card to spend on grocery and basic necessities. He needs to take charge of the maintenance because he is the one who knows the budget, but he doesn’t. His bathroom lights have been out since 2016. He would turn on the lights in the next rooms when he takes a bath. My shower faucet has been dripping for almost a year. I asked him to get a plumber and fix other things altogether. He said it costs less to pay for the water than hire a plumber.
I love love love how John will take the time to really explore and uncover the root problem even when three or four other decoy/downstream explanations come up first. So many other advice show hosts jump right to assuming they know the issue and the solution, but John checks and double checks what’s really beneath it all. So valuable!!
I have been in her shoes and I have some advice to offer that personally helped me in this situation: 1. Reconnect with family and girlfriends. 2. Get some fun hobbies (inside or outside of your marriage, doesn’t matter) 3. Accept him for who he is instead of trying to change him into someone else. Not everyone has the same amount of drive to become the best person that they can. If I had to compare myself to my boyfriend, I probably have more drive, but I’m okay with it. I just care that we are good partners to each other and that we are happy with each other. It seems that you are hyper focusing on your marriage, while your husband is not. And that does not necessarily mean that he is “checked out,” it just means that he’s not looking for every little detail and ways to improve. I am not saying that what you are doing is bad, but just try some other things out before pointing the finger at him. Go to the gym, cook, do some crafting, call your parents or siblings, visit your girlfriends. I have a tendency in relationships to disregard myself, and something I’ve learned in therapy is to make a self-care checklist for myself. That leaves a lot less time for me to be worrying about what my partner is lacking. Your husband seems content, and for a lot of people, they are okay with that. Edit: forgot to mention this, but I am not trying to disregard your concerns by any means, but I am just saying that there might be some things that you can do on your end to help fight these feelings you are experiencing.
Their relationship is the mother/lover-son paradigm. She is the mother head/leader, and as long as he complies with her wishes and doesn’t contradict her, she rewards him with affection and validation. He is the passive/dutiful provider that has been trained, likely by his mother & modeled by his father, to be there for her, but never challenge her in any way. Because, that means snarky put-downs, shaming, belittling, threatening. Any man who feels stuck in such a relationship gives up, withdraws, and considers it a victory if when his wife peppers him with questions & demands when he comes home from work, that she accepts his answers and lets him escape – whether into his phone, the TV, or a corner of the basement.
When I listened to this it reminded me of my mother. She is capable but she is too controlling. She controls or tries to control everything around her. That is a huge turn off for the husband and adult male children. It feels like we do not have any business at home where she is the Boss. My father stayed in the marriage for the sake of us kids. I do not want to visit my parents as my mother will still try to control me infront of my wife and son. I do not want to set a bad example for my kid.
Sounds like her husband is emotionally distant. Likely he won’t change without therapy or a life altering event. Maybe something in his past made him build walls around his emotions. Poor wife has a lot on her shoulders. She’s got to nurture her kids enough for both of them and keep the spark lit in the marriage. ❤️
The ironic thing is that I have experienced this and more, and the burnout is real. Ironically I feel less Burnt out when my husband is gone for two weeks at a time rather than when he is home. Probably stemming from the fact that I want to feel that I have support when he is here but rarely receive it. But when he is gone I know that I won’t get it and I need to suck it up and act like a single mom 🤷🏼♀️ if he was more present when he was here I wouldn’t feel this way. There is so much more to this though that is downright messed up but those things have gotten better in that retrospect so I won’t even mention it at this moment.
A man without purpose lead to a path of despair. I’ve struggled with this myself. I married a hell of a wife. I have no problem saying she’s a better person than I am. She’s also the breadwinner and has a temperament where she always needs to be in control. It’s not easy to always taking a back seat. It’s always led to a feeling of lack of purpose. That lack of purpose leads to disparity and then over time I would occasionally “check out”. Then she would feel resentment and we would argue until temporarily fixed it. Kind of like putting a bandaid on a bullet would. Truth is I don’t know the answer, but I’m starting to take a different approach and so far so good.
Wonder if she just takes control and he feels like he can sit back? I wish we could get two sides of the story….but never marry a person that is emotionally distant from the very start. It never gets better in marriage. He let her know, didn’t hide it that he was emotionally distant from the start and she still married him.
This call reminded me of the old saying, “Men marry women, expecting them to never change but they always do while women marry men thinking they can change them but they never do.” This guy was emotionally lazy from day one. 13 years in she has finally found her self esteem and realizing she deserves better. Only problem is now there are four kids added into the equation; not a good situation. Dr. John is right, this guy will never change. Ultimatums won’t work either and with four kids to financially support I doubt she’ll give him one.
12:43 – When he puts the phone away, and joins the family, did you show him appreciation for doing that afterwards? “Thank you for joining us this evening, I had a lot of fun, and I know the kids really enjoyed it. I liked that joke you told…. I’m really looking forward to … tomorrow evening.” I know it sounds trite, but to use John’s statement from earlier in the conversation, a man needs a mission, and he wants to be rewarded for it. If he goes out and slays a dragon, (to him it might seem like a dragon), and nobody in the village says anything about it, or rolls their eyes in contempt, “Geez, that’s your job, dude!” he’s out again.
When I felt that way with my hubby, I’d go “on strike” for a day or three without mentioning it… he’d pick up by day 2 or 3, then by day 1 that he needed to pickup some pieces. She keeps spinning her wheels – doing the same thing over and over expecting different results – but why should he try if she’s doing all the work for him?
My narcissistic wasband was like this. He was very happy to let me make the decisions, go to work, provide a home, and do all the work of housekeeping. As long as he was happy, all was well. Until I wore out, and asked for outrageous things, like hugs, appreciation, respect. Support, even if just emotional. So I did, finally, after 15 years of this, I did quit. And I told him, over and over, in different ways. I’m not a high maintenance person. But used it up, and never could work out any way, or reason, to change. He refused to take any responsibility. Not even for himself, let alone me or the relationship. So much so that when I quit, I quit. And he committed suicide. His final refusal to grow up, or take responsibility for our world. Sigh.
Two minutes in right after her pitch as to why she is the most put-upon human being on earth, I’m just not hearing it. Husband sounds like a great guy that isn’t an emotional over-sharer. Revise your expectations down, take some stuff off your plate and just don’t… do as much. Your husband is happy because his expectations meet reality, yours do not.
I find the comment section interesting… if the tables were turned, the men would say the woman is cheating bc she’s emotionally checked out🙄 If anything, this woman married the wrong guy. He’s passive and life less! She needs to go out and hang out with her family and girlfriends and breathe passion back into her life and remember what is like to feel alive again! Her kids will be better off receiving her at her most passionate/loving and present self. Live for yourself and your kids, lady!
😂😂😂 when I “backed off,” from doing things around the house (I was in grad school and I have physical disabilities that limit me), my husband started beating me and calling names and screaming at me because I “didn’t love him” because I couldn’t cook dinner. I told him to cook dinner. He would then Purposefully cook food I couldn’t eat due to another health condition (it would possibly kill me). He also would physically drag me out of the kitchen because he didn’t want to see me disapprovingly look around the disaster zone of a mess he created. He almost burned down the house three times (that I know of) due to unsafe kitchen practices. And he would scream at me for “making” him have to cook which is why the “accidents” happened. I invoiced even the slightest upsetness or disapproval, He would tell me that I was judging him when I really just didn’t want to house to burn down or to end up in the hospital from his questionable food choices and bad hygiene. (He would touch raw meat and then touch everything in the kitchen. And I mean everything. I found bits of raw chicken on a can opener.) because I didn’t speak up and press him to take me to the doctor when I first felt sick (we only have one car), I almost died once because he refused to take me to the hospital when I was bent over from stomach pain. Turned out I had an infected colon and almost died by the time my best friend made him take me to the hospital (I was admitted to a locked down hospital during COVID and barely made it).
Perhaps he is checked out because he is neglected, discarded and replaced by everything else. I am living this. Once we had the dogs and the kids – I was not needed except to provide a paycheck, never made a priority, less and less attention to our relationship, ZERO intimacy and yet I seem to be the bad one because I have been disconnected. Odds are the husband in this case feels un-needed except to provide security.
This sounds like a lot of what I contributed to the demise of my marriage. I can identify as the content, semi-depressed man who struggles to get a big-picture vision and drive outside of my hobbies and interests that keep me occupied. Unfortunately, I was not willing or able to change these habits before my ex found someone else, thus ending our marriage in a divorce. So for me, I’m not even thinking about a relationship since I may not be capable of this kind of relationship, and/or I don’t want to be hurt and devastated again.
It was frustrating to hear this call. Ppl drag on and don’t spill things fast enough. Like just spit it out lady! I wonder if she’s said these things plainly to her husband. Sometimes a person has more self hate and that bleeds into relationships. Or they just damn lazy! We don’t need to be superhuman we just need to do a few things right. He sounds like he’s a middle aged man having a mid life crisis…he needs excitement perhaps her packing her bags will jolt him back to life! I would think being grateful to have a blessed wife who takes care of things etc would make him understand. Ppl are dying all over the world. This is insane ppl have these issues.
I feel like every time she manages or compensated for his “lack” it’s a corrective message with an underlying thread of criticism that he isn’t enough – that there are things he should want to do, participate in, ways he should want to engage the kids, like she does… And he’s built differently. He does that in his own way but probably doesn’t have a chance go experience what that might be because she’s so busy managing his relationships with the kids for him. No wonder he checked out. She is monitoring his interactions with everyone in their family for him to catch him when he falls. And all he sees is her expectation that he’s failing and her eagerness to compensate or correct or manage that lack for him. Yeah she doesn’t want this guy. She wants a picture of what family means to her. He doesn’t match. That’s clear to him. He’s his own 3 dimensional person. He is a grown up. When she manages his relationships like he’s one of the kids she needs to tell him what should be on his schedule with them what activities to do to bond with them, etc… She emasculates him and shows him his only value is the paycheck – she’ll make the picture of what family will mean to them. She wants a guy who wants her picture and this guy doesn’t so she’s constantly disappointed and the feels that disappointment. But stays for his kids, probably. Oh my…
she’s a bossy and controlling woman. she has unrealistic expectations and wants him to march to the beat of her drum: to make him responsible for quelling all her anxieties about the future. but he’s a competent man so doesn’t feel the need to when he knows he’s worked hard he wants to play hard too, or at least relax. He just knows she seems to interrupt him every time he wants to watch football because she can’t stand to see him enjoying himself when there’s so many imagined threats she expects him to resolve. case in point: his body is fit and hers isn’t. but he’s the one who’s slacking?
After 10 years of child rearing, she is the head of the household taking care of this family. Now that she gets to breathe a bit, she is realizing that her husband isn’t doing enough… while she most likely didn’t let him in. Mothers protect their babies/children from their own husband by not leaving enough space for them to bond early on, which is instinctive but counterproductive. She sounds exhausting. She wants to control everything, yet wants him to step in.. I am sure when he does, she criticizes him, or dismisses him. Kids between 2-11 years in a household with that many kids don’t need a parent to play with. They have plenty of fun time among siblings and a parental figure doesn’t need to be the kids’ friend. As the kids get older, he might come closer to what she expects from him and the relationship between the dad and the kids will grow. There will always be something missing with this type of mindset and accepting her husband the way he is can be liberating for her. Just let him be, find yourself for yourself and stop chasing happiness through others.
The man is by her words a wonderful man, a good provider for 6 people, and pitches in AND IT’S STILL NOT ENOUGH. WTF does he have to do to make this CONTROLLING OVERWEIGHT KAREN HAPPY??? IF THE FAMILY COURT LAWS WEREN’T SO MUCH IN THE FAVOR OF WOMEN, SHE WOULDN’T EVEN CONSIDER CALLING OR COMPLAINING. SHE STILL WANTS MORE AND MORE…YOU CANT MAKE IT UP…
I feel like she was unheard this is my exact situation i love my family more than anything in the world..a job and a house and kids isnt life . Life is about your family loving each other healthy relationships having ppl to share things with. We want life i dont want my husband working 500k hes a week and never being home and i cook dinner and noone shows up.
17:24 I don’t see why he wouldn’t have integrity. If integrity is: “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles.\r”; then: 1. I don’t see him being dishonest; and 2. As for having a weak moral principles: ¡Being depresed doen’t lessen your morals! ¡Not changing into the other’s ideal doesn’t make you inmoral!
I feel her. I too feel like i have to take care of everything because my partner is fine either way. But i feel safe this way. I used to feel so insecure and depressed about everything in my life when i had to let him handle it all and i just can’t let myself get to that place again. I am asking him every time about every decision we have to make in our life together because i am aware of the fact that he too can come to feel the way i did all those years back. I really hope i am making a good job because he is a good man and i don’t want to hurt him in any way.
She started this call off by saying, he’s had everything taken care of all of his life. 🚩 Then she said, he didn’t have to work to chase her red flag 🚩… my conclusion and let this be a lesson ladies … what else does she expect? He’s NEVER had to work hard or think for himself! Parents, don’t cripple your sons in this way! Look at the outcome. How painful!
John got this right the first time ’round: this guy’s got his life the way he likes it and that’s that. All talk about him being depressed is nonsense. With 4 small children, she’ll probably just have to suck it up, get herself ready for when the youngest hits 16 or so, and then leave. She’ll still be young enough for a good relationship with a man who’s a giver, not just a passive taker.
I feel for her. She didn’t choose very wisely and now the consequences are playing out. But I think she would still regret divorcing him because even just the financial support from him is better than being a true single mom and it is less exhausting when someone else pays the mortgage and you’re planning everything. With a divorce she would only add financial things to be the only one doing everything.
I have truly, truly appreciated your articles, and I 100% need constructive criticism. Women don’t like to hear these kinds of things, but when you get to a point of realizing both of you are at fault and need to step up, you appreciate the help. My husband had an affair for 3 years with his kid’s mom. Two years long distance emotionally, then a year once she moved back in every way. He stopped the affair and chose to stay and work on us, but I’m still so hurt and bitter 8 months later that I fear I’m pushing him away all over again, just as I did prior to him turning away from me. Not saying it’s my fault he cheated, but I know now I have to take responsibility for my part in the destruction of our marriage. But God. I know He will make a way and bring us out on top.
When she said he never made much effort, my first thought was like, “Really? You knew exactly how he is prior to marriage.” Why would she marry a person that hasn’t put much effort? I was in a relationship where my ex didn’t put much effort into the relationship like I did. Being broken up with was honestly a blessing in disguise. Was I devastated when the breakup happened? Of course, but overtime, I realized it was for the best. She should honestly end the marriage before he does. It’s not going to get better. It will only get worse.
I want to know more about him. Does he work a back breaking job or travel alot for work? He sounds tired when he gets home. She’s a busy body and that probably wears him out further. Is she a housewife? Sometimes housewives are oblivous to how hard life is outside those doors. My wife thought that I got a “break from the kids” at work.
My dad was an only child and he didn’t feel like his parents made him a priority. Fast forward to when he was a father with 6 kids, he had to learn how to be a dad. He didn’t have an example of it. He was very intellectual and didn’t connect well with us kids until we were juniors or seniors in high school and older. He grew up with a low self esteem and was shy. He has been a great dad, always willing to drop anything to help us with our adult problems. He takes good care of my mom now, always looking out for her health problems. I know it was hard on my mom when we were all growing up, but she is very grateful now to have a devoted husband. He does things now he never did when he was younger, so change can happen.
I so understand this woman’s dilemma. My husband is a hard worker but I feel like I take all the other responsibilities, paying bills, managing finances, emotional, spiritual, relational, managing the home and schedules. For the vast majority of our marriage almost all the responsibilities have landed on my shoulders. He has no curiosity about the world or current events, at least beyond his special interests. He has been in therapy for about a year. He has improved a bit in some areas but it is a continual feeling of two steps forward one step back. I feel like if I am not continually pushing and prodding we get absolutely nowhere. I am frustrated constantly to the point just thinking about him makes me angry. He told me about six months ago he has no need to connect with me. He has since claimed he now does but I’m not really sure why he says he changed his mind. I should also add his therapist gave him a test for autism and he scored high enough to be “clinically significant”. So I think that may significantly impact his ability/and or desire to have any kind of meaningful relationship with me.
Women should not be marrying men like this in my opinion. I don’t think my husband would’ve ever picked an alpha female. And while I am glad he picked me I definitely am not this type of person. I let him take the reigns- I still work hard and am involved but he does most of the decision making in the family. We need more strong men in this world. Women do not respect a man that cannot lead- we all innately want a leader.
100% get this one. John is right, not going to change because he can’t. He’s probably on the spectrum or has a personality disorder and he doesn’t really care that he’s in his own boat. He likes it this way. I know this because I am in this same exact relationship with my spouse. my kids are now grown and I am really alone.- no intimacy, no conversation, I do most if not all of the household repairs and hire someone to help with yard and things I can’t do myself. I attend all social events alone and spend my evenings on technology. My husband could care less and can spend 90% of his time by himself. He barely talks with anyone and when he does it’s his topic and his attention is elsewhere anyways so why bother. Now I have to decide if I want to remain with this man and accept him as he is (and I often feel compassion for him because he doesn’t have ability to be different) or if I want to leave and live my life. This is so hard!
This is the way I see it: you are fulfilling every need so he doesn’t see the needs because technically you already did it. They are fulfilled. You can’t expect a hungry person to be anxious about getting more food if you already fed them. Maybe do this experiment: step back, let him feel the heat for a while, when he feel something has shifted (he can go a while on his phone and noone says anything to him, caos starts happening around him abd he doesn’t know why, etc.) he might wake up and do something about. If you can’t do for a while because you can’t stop yourself from directly and guiding everything around you and him, then you have to know you are unable to let go of control.
There’s no way he has no interests outside of his phone. Would he want to coach a kid’s soccer game? Go out to baseball games? Join a volleyball league? Join a game & fish club? Start bicycling? Start dirtbiking? Go to movies once a month with the family? Spend one night a week with a particular kid and do something fun with them? Maybe get the kids to come up ideas of what you all could do. Laser tag. Paintball. Going to the beach. Going to the park. Hiking. Rock climbing. Planning vacations. Building bird houses. Doing rehabs. Playing article games with the kids. Fulfilling a childhood dream of his. There have to be something that intrigues everyone involved, but especially your husband.
This caller should read Dr. Toni Grant and Dr. Laura’s books on not trying to change or improve your husband. Guys don’t get into relationships to be changed. And women can’t force them to change. If they wanted someone into self-improvement, they should’ve married someone into self-improvement. You’re not going to change him 13 years in.
This entire discussion sounds like whining. She has a husband that’s been providing for her and the family with no complaints and makes time to show up for family events. But she’s tired of having to do “everything” in the household. Last time I checked, that’s what a stay at home wife/mother is supposed to do. He does everything you ask of him but now you’re tired of even having to ask in the first place.
It’s hard to find and feel a balancing act of any marriage. People have dreams as to what it looks like in there mind’s without really realizing the roles that each person has to play into it. He is passive and she is masculine in this relationship from the way she is portraying him. She chased him in the beginning to get him because of his kind ways his looks and so forth and not noticing things in her heat of passion that were red flags. I will give her this much credit she is searching for answers and she may not like the outcome to satisfy her perception of her marriage. She may have never aloud him to lead in what she wants in this marriage by the sounds of it. Then on the other side of the coin he is satisfied in his role also as well. I don’t think he is really made for her he seems to be a introvert and she is a extrovert. He can change if he wants to and if she allows him the chance to do so who knows there still not alot not said meaning his side of the story. She is also getting close to menopause when her estrogen levels are dropping and testosterone levels are possibly rising who knows. I’ve been married for 45 years and game does not change even if I have been married this long to my wife. I learnt that 25 years ago from a friend of mine who is what you would call a bad boy who never married and he is 78 today and still not married lol as you can see no one could change who he is. Women will bring up alot of things wrong with there husband’s and in reality he is not filling her emotionally and sexually.
You just thought he would be more excited by having beautiful babies and a loving enthusiastic wife. I’m sorry. He is just empty of original thought or intuition. He is robbing himself of a loving future with his teenage and adult children. He is divesting himself of you. Fatigue leads to boredom. I’m bored and I haven’t met him.
This sounds like the dynamic described by Adam Lane Smith in his YouTube articles and in his book “Exhausted Wives, Bewildered Husbands”. John gives great advice but on this episode he seemed lacking; I would recommend turning to Adam Lane Smith to learn how to deal with this problem. ALS specializes in attachment issues
I have the exact same problem along with ZERO affection. Time to go. (for me anyway) Listening further, I think something good to try is for her to still stay engaged with the kids and just ignore him for awhile??? Not sure. And not all of us have parents we can take our kids to, unfortunately. Good luck to this sweet woman.
Here’s what happened: Husband was raised to always do what the woman wants, he started out making suggestions “hey let’s go out to eat at (blah)” The woman then goes “ugh, I hate that restaurant” even though it’s literally his favorite restaurant. Then he suggests they go see a movie, she goes “ughhh, I don’t like those movies” then he suggests going to the park, to which she says “ughh, but it’s soooo hot outside”
A man who leads according John and this woman: Do what the wife wants, how she wants it done and when she wants it done and if he doesn’t then he’s not stepping up to the plate and you should make an ultimatum or leave him. It’s possible that he is too incompetent to lead or his Mom did everything for him so he doesn’t know how, but here is the reality of the situation: A man’s response to criticism and nagging from a woman is very often passivity because it is demotivating and humiliating to be treated that way, especially from his wife. The better advice would be: Ask your husband in a gentle and supportive way to take the lead and accomplish a task for you. Do not try to guide, fix, or be critical of his decisions, trust him to accomplish it the way he sees fit. Also beware the “self improvement” cult, it is arrogance in disguise and destroys many relationships
Its funny when women expect men to just do a 180 change. Women love fixer uppers and she clearly knew before marrying him that he is not that type of dude. The husband is a typical beta male that doesn’t take charge and it seems like Melissa wants an alpha male who takes charge of everything. The husband is not going to change and the fact that she seems very possessive in the way things are done around the house tells me that the husband doesn’t have a choice to do things for the family.
I have heard this SOOOO many times. You know why she has time to think of these things? BECAUSE she had time to think of these things. He works, takes care of the house, probably still engages with her, does yard work, fixes broken things, cares for the cars….etc. because her only job is to care for herself and the kids…THAT is all she can think about. This is how good men end up divorced. That NOTHING they can do is good enough.
99% of the comments by women on this episode ARE the exact reason we men dont talk to their spouses, and check out. Any inkling of culpability in whats happened would contradict her feelings. Since society prioritizes womans feelings/perception to be unquestionably true. My wife took the opportunity to become my “mother” when my career was closed down the past few years. Every opportunity I made to reestablish myself and career where met with hostility, and push back. Because i wasnt home, cooking and sitting on couch. Total emasculated. Even told me im bitter because of my age and body. ( I worked in fitness industry) Gonna be a shock for her when im gone soon.
I think this lady might be looking for her husband to give her happiness in life instead of herself. She sounds like she might need to find something that gives her some fulfillment so that she can get her happiness from that and allow her husband to breathe just a little bit. He said she’s gained weight, so maybe by her getting active in the gym,l and losing weight, it will make her husband look at her a little differently and inspire him to do better. When you are being nagged at that what you are doing and who you are isn’t enough, you’ll fall back into a shell of yourself. She’s better off trying to lead by example and giving her husband space.
This is me. Mine used to hit my kids cos it hurts me until I told him I would send him to jail the next time he does it. Why would I have to say that. I haven’t improved in all years of my marriage. I am angry, mentally unhealthy and unhappy. I do everything for my kids and when I run out of money from doing things foe them and myself, he laughs at me. Says I can’t save but I work part-time. If I don’t clean the house, IT WILL NEVER BE CLEAN. NEVER. He says he pays the rent and can’t add anything more. He gets mad when I get a shift. Then I ask how am I meant to pay the daycare fees, food, my car insurance and loan, the kids, myself and my sick mom if I don’t work. I never have enough and since he pays the rent, he has never helped me pay any of these bills. I have sever resentment towards him. I helped him get up and now, he looks down at me and laughs when I say I am struggling. Everything she said is me. Even when I suggest anything, HE HAS NEVER DONE IT. NEVER TAKEN THE KIDS OUT. NEVER TAKEN ME OUT- HE SAYS I AM UGLY. never bought me a gift. Only money he has given me in 8yrs of marriage is $170. $100 on my 40th birthday, $50 cos he promised (took 3weeks to get), $20 to add to buy clothes for my kids from a thrift store. Writing this out makes me want to throw up🤢
She sounds like a complete pain in the ass. Everything’s fine and she just wants to nitpick nitpick nitpick. She wants her husband to conduct his relationships the way she sees fit. I bet you just wants to be left the hell alone. It’s funny how easy it is to ruin everything when you think you’re trying to fix it.
Great man but disengaged!? That doesn’t even go together. Sounds like many marriages where partners get comfortable. She is resenting her husband like most women who begun the relationship with masculine energy and what happens is it comes a time she is gonna want to be feminine but that’s gonna be too late to start to expect him to lead or plan or be creative when she has always been over it. It’s a trauma bind and he is probably in it bcuz in most it’s the “right thing” to do but he is very unhappy. It’s hard to come outta this but ppl deserve what’s best for them not to be in hostages
That’s you need a woman that will let you lead the relationship. 50-50 dynamics don’t usually work from my experience either. There always has to be a person with more power in a situation whether in business or relationships, all the same. And I personally think a man should be the one to lead because that’s part of his purpose as a man, especially when there’s kids around
As life progresses, women step up to be there. She took on whatever roll she needed to. Her husband did not. She isn’t wrong, that isn’t fair. Just because she married him that way doesn’t mean she should have to put up with him not stepping up as the responsibilities grew. If a man loves a woman he should show it by being supportive. We should all strive to improve. Men and women alike.
She knows who she married, this is more her fault than her husband’s. This often happens when women take on the masculine role of managing everything and not letting their husband make decisions. She says he doesn’t care to and he doesn’t think about those things. I say he’s never had to because she never gives him a chance, she always gets there first. When women take the lead, men naturally step back and let them drive to “keep the peace.” When women take a back seat, the man has no choice but to drive. That’s what needs to happen here. She must give him opportunities to lead because currently the masculine and feminine roles are energetically and emotionally reversed. And I’m not talking about the physical aspect of the woman taking care of the home and the man going to work. That’s basic and taken care of in this case, that’s a small part of the equation. But emotionally and energetically, she has taken on the role of the man by constantly taking the lead, even when dating, and he has become more passive as a result. She’s so busy pushing that she doesn’t realize the harm she is doing to her man’s ego. He has no reason to lead and nothing to work for other than money. I appreciate John’s perspective on this, and what I would add is to STOP PUSHING. Stop nagging, stop trying to force it and learn to be happy with yourself and your children. Let him check out, let him experience the natural consequence of not participating in what’s happening around him. He has to see for himself what he’s missing.
There’s a lot of assumption in this. I feel like John is so off. She can be trying to talk to her husband and not nagging and he could just be so selfish that he doesn’t put the effort in. He sounds spoiled and entitled and it may not have shown itself until they had children. They need to goto therapy because it’s not going to change at all.
She probably needs something outside of the house and her family. It might not have anything to do with her husband. She needs her own goals and passion. It doesn’t matter what it is. Join a theatre class. Take tennis or art lessons, and start your own business. Find your own passion and stop waiting for your husband to fill it.
This one of his rare bad advice articles. This woman os clearly the problem. He is checked out because she is striving and contentious. He asked, do you let him make decisions. Her answer was basically, if he made them my way, I would. John just let that go. To me that was the most important part of everything she said.
I guarantee he has zero choice and she nags him to death. That’s definitely what it sounds like. He is resigned that this is his life. And with 4 kids, his plan makes zero sense. Who will take care of the kids during dates and vacations? During courting? This all hinges on a huge support network that most families don’t have in this day and age. My wife and i haven’t gone on a real date since before COVID hit and we only have 2 kids. It’s just not realistic.
It’s so hard to read this situation. I feel like there is more to it. You can’t make someone want to be in the relationship or engage. She can only control her ownself and reactions. She needs to take a step back and allow him to feel the gap and fill the gap. If he does good, you have something to work with. If he doesn’t nothing, then that’s your answer. There is no reason you can’t let something lapse for a year and see what happens. The picture perfect family thing is not real.
Simple, people like you are never happy. Stop trying to fix everything. He’s a good guy but I need to make him perfect, by your standards. One more reason men don’t want to get married anymore. Hey I have an idea for you, you go make the money and let him stay home. You are a complainer. Some people are very happy.
Um… what if it’s the other way around. I feel like In my case I have checked out. I feel like he was always controlling everything how I dressed, what I did, do or don’t do what I say…. It’s exhausting… you can’t be yourself this is me I checked out and just let him lead what’s the point he complains about everything anyway…. Nothing is good enough
Okay i am in the same situation. I feel like mt husband has checked out. However when trying to talk about these things with him. Its always and argument because he doesnt like to share his feelings or its always ( thats a stupid question why would you ask me that.) or when we dont have our kids its always about sex. It just feels like im drowning because I have to do everything. I have to be the one to always say sorry. Im not sure if its his new job or what is going on. I am 27 we got married young and have 2 kids. Also its not that i am controlling we do everything he likes to do or decides. Im always proud of him for everything he does.
Ha I say what I need and what weighs on my heart and it’s basically “I don’t care, you will never be satisfied, you always need something, I am not talking about this, you are just starting another argument ” etc etc basically leave me alone I try to let him make choices or say hey these are the things that need to get done he just looks at me.. UNLESS it’s something for him or his kids… his truck that he never drives won’t start and he is calling me like crazy and gets someone to help him fix it But we have a huge crack in our kitchen sink leaking down tot the basement causing mold and he complains about it but does he call a plumber? Does he find a sink replacement? Does he buy anything under the sink like clean it up, cut and put in a new board? Pay for and schedule the plumber?? Nope! Waited over 6 months asking here and then and “ya I will get to it” and nothing… I had to do it… and he doesn’t freaking work! Allll the time in the world! 😡
I will be married 18 years in April My husband doesn’t plan anything nice for us to do Ever If we go anywhere to be together for donner or our anniversary it will be because I planned it. But Im not doing anything anymore. I guess he wont care much either. Perhaps hes clapping someone else’s butt cheeks. Whatever I may just take half and leave now.
I wonder if this is me. I’m the worker, supporter for a family of five. We both get the kids ready for school, I help with homework, I do all of the cleaning. I take the kids to the dentist. II do crafts and activities with the children, I take them to gymnastics. I don’t do: the driving because it makes me very sleepy. Follow through on things like building the kids a bed, DIY things. I don’t initiate adventures and day trips. Are those “don’ts” enough to account for my wife’s lack of respect and interest in me? Do those Don’ts present me as “not a man? Not a leader? Other “donts” I don’t do: I don’t belittle my wife, I’ve never said an unkind or unsupportive word to her. I’ve never been cruel and I have never been unfaithfully emotionally or physically. Do these things qualify me as not a manly leader? She seems to think that
I think I understand what this young wife is trying to explain. This Dr isn’t grasping her issue. But he is right in the fact this husband isnt going to change. And that this man needs some challenges. I learned yrs ago to reality discipline my husband. I stopped covering for him. Let him create a mess bc of his non involvement in the present or forethought. Tripping and falling a few times and a huge resulting headache is like smelling salts to a lethargic fella. I have a hunch this fella had a homelife growing up where he held very little accountability
She’s very unlikely to give up control. I’ve seen this play out a thousand times with women like her. She will not give him complete autonomy over the responsibilities she wants him to take over. For example, if she wants him to plan a vacation, she will want him to run it by her before finalizing the purchases so she can make changes to it. Or she will complain about what he chose. Then he’ll say what’s the point of having me do this since it’s basically you doing it anyway. There weren’t a whole lot of specific things she mentioned him needing to do besides planning vacations and date nights. Maybe the guy is a deadbeat but I didn’t really hear what specifically was the problem besides him supposedly not putting in an effort. What does that mean? Does he need to appear that he’s struggling with too many responsibilities and then she would be happy? It really would have helped if John asked her point blank questions such as is he: Helping kids with homework Going to kids school activities Going to kids non-school activities Helping around the house with chores Handling the finances Handling the vehicle maintenance Handling grocery shopping Handling cooking She said he provides well for the family and isn’t overweight so he’s got those two things covered. So what specifically is he really not doing? If you want something changed the first step is knowing specifically what needs to change. That way he knows specifically what he’s doing or not doing and she knows exactly what he’s doing or not doing.