Parental alienation (PA) is a mental condition where a child, usually one whose parents are engaged in a high-conflict separation or divorce, strongly aligns with an alienating parent. This can occur due to conflicts other than custody matters, such as child support and trivial differences. PAS can be provoked by conflicts other than custody matters, such as child support and relatively trivial differences.
Parental alienation is a gradual and consistent process that is directly related to the time spent alienating, and time is on the side of the alienating parent, who may engage in a host of delay tactics. Parents should take prompt action to stop parental alienation, even if they are worried about further conflict.
Some signs that your former spouse may be engaging in parental alienation include the Joneses constantly badmouthing each other in front of their children, the Savilles constantly badmouthing each other with friends, the Pearlmans being emotionally alienated from one another, and the Garcias being both alienated from their children.
Parental alienation occurs when an ex-spouse engages in conduct to erode the parent-child relationship. It is important for parents to avoid behaviors that could cause serious harm to their children’s mental health after divorce. Divorces often cause tension between ex-spouses, and when a child is involved, the parents must continue to co-parent.
As long as there is a judgment regarding the custody and the children are minors, your ex-husband can get in legal trouble for parental alienation. When a child resists or refuses to spend time with one parent following a separation, there could be several causes.
📹 Psychological manipulation: An expert explains parental alienation to “48 Hours”
How can one parent turn a child against the other parent? Amy Baker, Ph.D, a researcher and author, explains parental alienation …
Is it worth fighting parental alienation?
Fighting parental alienation can be a difficult and very emotionally draining process. But its important to remember that parental alienation can have serious long-term consequences for children — including depression, anxiety, and difficulty forming healthy relationships later in life.
Symptoms of Parental Alienation. Sometimes its hard to tell whats influencing your kids. It could be anyone; after all, they go to school, other homes, and maybe after-school sports practice or a club meeting. But most of the time, children are most perceptive to their parents.
- Unexplained hatred toward the targeted parent
- Rationalizations that dont make any sense or sound repeated (especially if you recognize them from the favored parent)
- Seeing a distinct “good” parent and “bad parent” and putting that favored parent on a pedestal
- Denial that the favored parent influences their thoughts
- Generally negative behavior, like rudeness, spitefulness, and ungratefulness towards the targeted parent
- Has a hatred towards the targeted parents extended family as well
How to deal with parental alienation after divorce?
- What is Parental Alienation?Parental alienation describes the process, usually intentional, by which a parent conveys through words, actions, or behaviors to the child that the other parent (the “targeted parent”) is dangerous, unsafe, abusive, or “bad,” which results in the child becoming fearful or avoidant of the targeted parent.
- What should I do if I am being accused of parental alienation?If you are accused of parental alienation, ask the other parent to describe the specific behaviors they have observed that make them think that you are alienating them. Take some time to reflect on your behavior and ask yourself whether you have indicated that you dislike the other parent. If you think that might be the case, try to speak more positively of the other parent. For example, praise the child for a trait they share with the other parent, put up photos of the other parent in the childs room, and even state that you like the other parent.
- What should I do if I am being alienated by the other parent?Begin documenting everything you can and consider enrolling the child in therapy. If you think the parental alienation is severe, you should consider filing amotion to modify parenting timeto limit the alienating parents parenting time.
- How do you stop and combat parental alienation? To stop parental alienation, work to maintain a positive, loving relationship with the child so that the child feels safe with you. Consider speaking with the other parent about behaviors youve noticed. If the alienation continues, consider parenting classes, therapy, and going to the Court for help.
- How do you prove parental alienation is happening? Alienation can be very difficult to prove in court, but you should start documenting any changes in the childs behavior. You should also speak with people who know the child well, like teachers and coaches and ask if theyve noticed any changes as well, as they can serve as witnesses. Often, proving alienation requires the help of an expert witness.
- What is the impact of parental alienation on children? Parental alienation can have a significant negative impact on children, including emotional distress, anxiety, depression, and problems with self-esteem and identity.
- Can parental alienation be reversed? Yes, with appropriate intervention and support, parental alienation can be reversed. This may involve counseling, therapy, and/or mediation to help rebuild the relationship between the targeted parent and the child.
Is Parental Alienation Happening in My Case?. Parental alienation occurs in high conflict divorced families in which one or both parents dislike the other parent.
It is essential to distinguish between types of “alienating” or “gatekeeping” behavior. At a basic level, there maybejustifiedor unjustified gatekeeping. Gatekeeping, meaning a parent is preventing or limiting contact between the child the other parent, may be warranted when the parent has abused the child or others. Unjustified gatekeeping aligns with what people commonly call parental alienation, which is when the other parent acts in such a way to cause the child to dislike or become fearful of the other parent, even though the other parent has not done anything to cause that reaction in the child.
What are the 8 behavioral manifestations of alienation?
The 8 Symptoms of parental alienationA campaign of denigration. … Weak, frivolous and absurd rationalizations. … A lack of ambivalence. … The “independent thinker” phenomenon. … An absence of guilt. … Support for the alienating parent. … Borrowed phrases and scenarios. … Rejection of extended family.
Divorce has a tendency of breeding bad blood between parents. Unfortunately, sometimes this hostility can cause one parent to use their child or children against the other. Coined by child psychologist Robert Gardner in 1985, parental alienation is a harmful form of manipulation that one parent uses to distance the child away from the other.
If you have concerns that your ex may be pitting your child against you, it’s essential to know how to recognize the signs. Here are theeight symptoms identified as the criteria for a child suffering from parental alienation syndrome (PAS):
1. A campaign of denigration. In a denigration campaign, the relationship between the alienated parent and the child will shift seemingly overnight. While there was once a positive relationship, the child now shows constant hostility or unfairly criticizes the targeted parent.
What are the 5 stages of alienation?
Types of alienation According to Melvin Seeman there are five varieties of alienation. These five are powerlessness, meaninglessness, normlessness, isolation and self-estrangement.
Defintion. Alienation is a theory written by Karl Marx. Alienation refers to estrangement, division, or distancing of people from each other, or of people who are important to you, or of a person from their own self.
Types of alienation. According to Melvin Seeman there are five varieties of alienation. These five are powerlessness, meaninglessness, normlessness, isolation and self-estrangement. In his view, these five varieties are all used, although not exactly the same, by Karl Marx as one concept. By separating the different varieties, Seeman wanted to make the concept more organized and make the traditional interest in alienation more amenable to sharp empirical statement.
Alienation and work. The theory of alienation means that people who are working can be estranged from themselves, their work and their own life. The capitalism is one of the aspect that leads to alienation. Alienation is an underpinning for the critique against the capitalism as an economic system.
How to prove narcissistic parental alienation?
Some of the evidence that might help to prove parental alienation include:Therapist or Counselor Testimony. If your child visits a therapist or counselor, a professional can provide factual testimony about what they observe. … Witnesses to the Alienation. … Social Media Posts. … Text Messages, Emails, and Voicemails.
In the course of a broken marriage, spouses will often take digs at each other. As the marriage ends in divorce, the criticisms may escalate. At some point, children could get caught in their parents’ crossfire.
When parents use their children to hurt each other, they can create lasting harm to the parent-child relationship. When one parent undermines the relationship between the child and the other parent, the child could suffer parental alienation.
Here are the things you should know about identifying, proving, and remedying parental alienation.
What are the 4 levels of alienation?
These and the themes that emerge from the collective experiences are then tied to Marxs conception of alienation. The four dimensions of alienation identified by Marx are alienation from: the product of labor, the process of labor, others, and self.
Each class member is asked to relate his/her worst work experience (almost everyone has had some summer or part-time employment). If people have never had “bad” jobs, I ask them to tell about their best ones. As we go, I list those factors which seem recurrent. The most useful themes, which almost always emerge with no coaching, include: monotony/variety, responsibility or lack of it, quality of peer relationships, and behavior of superordinates. In addition, there are always a number of graphic, funny, horrific, or otherwise memorable anecdotes in the average class. These and the themes that emerge from the collective experiences are then tied to Marx’s conception of alienation.
The four dimensions of alienation identified by Marx are alienation from: the product of labor, the process of labor, others, and self. Class experiences usually fit easily into these categories. The culmination of this phase of discussion requires a picture of what Marx thinks people and work should be like in order to understand the full human cost of alienation. This requires a discussion of “species-being” or Marx’s assumption of what constitutes whole personhood. Special emphasis, of course, goes to the central role of work. Marxbelieved that people naturally wanted to work, it wasnt something theydid because they had to. It was necessary for a full life. Here, students with good work experiences are relied on in discussing the possible intrinsic satisfactions of work.
The final and sometimes hardest phase of discussion centers on alienation as a social structural problem. Students have a tendency to identify it as a psychological one, arguing that a “positive attitude” would eliminate alienation. From this I proceed to a broader consideration of job organization, societal organization, and culture. For instance, I point out meanings given to the words “work” and “play.” Why is it that something enjoyable can be defined as “work” only with difficulty. Often there are examples of the definitional irony in student accounts of work.
Can you get PTSD from parental alienation?
This can lead to an increased vulnerability to mental health disorders such as depression, anxiety, eating and feeding disorders, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and other psychosomatic disorders 15. These difficulties can persist even when alienated children reunite with the targeted parent 16.
This study qualitatively investigated the mental health of adults exposed to parental alienating behaviours in childhood. Research suggests that exposure to parental alienating behaviours in childhood can have a profound impact on the mental health of those children later in life, including experiencing anxiety disorders and trauma reactions. An international sample of 20 adults exposed to parental alienating behaviours in childhood participated in semi-structured interviews on their experience and its impact. Four themes were identified: mental health difficulties, including anxiety disorders and trauma reactions, emotional pain, addiction and substance use, and coping and resilience. Intergenerational transmission of parental alienation was found. Confusion in understanding their experience of alienation, the mental health sequelae, and elevated levels of suicidal ideation were found. This study demonstrated the insidious nature of parental alienation and parental alienating behaviours and provided further evidence of these behaviours as a form of emotional abuse.
Keywords: parental alienation, alienating parent/s, targeted parent/s, alienated child/ren, mental health, intergenerational transmission, child abuse.
1. Introduction. “No matter what you think of the other party, these children are one-half of each of you. Remember that, because every time you tell your child what an ‘idiot’ his father is, or what a ‘fool’ his mother is, you are telling the child half of him is bad” (From a divorce ruling, Judge Michael Haas, MN, USA, 2001).
How do you outsmart a narcissistic coparent?
Tips for co-parenting with a narcissistEstablish a legal parenting plan. … Take advantage of court services. … Maintain firm boundaries. … Parent with empathy. … Avoid speaking ill of the other parent in front of the kids. … Avoid emotional arguments. … Expect challenges. … Document everything.
Co-parenting alone brings about some unique challenges that take cooperative thinking to overcome. Things like splitting time for custody or holidays can be difficult for even the most agreeable parents.
If you can cooperate, it makes the situation much better for all parties involved, especially the children. But, as you may already know, narcissists may be the opposite of cooperative.
People with narcissistic personality disorder tend to have:
What are the four A’s of parental alienation?
In contrast, targeted parents tend to present with the Four As. They are anxious, agitated, angry, and afraid. That is because they are trauma victims.
What is severe parental alienation?
Parental alienation is a strategy whereby one parent intentionally displays to the child unjustified negativity aimed at the other parent. The purpose of this strategy is to damage the childs relationship with the other parent and to turn the childs emotions against that other parent.
Does parental alienation backfire?
- Making false accusations in court. You will lose credibility if the judge recognizes that the allegations are false. Keep in mind that our judges are used to seeing these wild, false allegations. They often backfire on the parent making them.
- Blocking access. Blocking access to the children can lead to you losing custody of your children. It can also lead to a fine and jail time in Michigan when a court order is disobeyed.
- Reversing alienation. When it comes time for you to reverse alienation or face consequences, your child will still refuse the rejected parent. This is because they are ashamed and guilty about their behavior towards the rejected parent. They will worry that the rejected parent wont like them anymore, criticize them, or be angry with them.
- You are harming your childs self-worth. Remember, your child is half you and half the other parent. Telling them that you dont like the other parent is like telling your child that you dont like them.
- You are damaging their ability to have healthy relationships. Your children are watching how you handle your relationships. If you struggle to trust others, so will your children. If you speak badly of others, so will your children. Kids learn lifelong lessons from their parents. Remember, they are very impressionable.
- School performance will decline. Instead of spending time learning in school, children will be too stressed to focus. In addition, they will have deep grief for the rejected parent. Grief can slow down our thinking. Yet, repeatedly, our attorneys see these damaged kids struggling with their own mental health.
- Abandonment issues. The child might feel like the rejected parent abandoned them. Especially if you tell them, the other parent left them for another person or family. Abandonment issues can lead to depression, anxiety, and self-harm. Your child might also feel forced to reject the other parent. This will lead them to deep guilt that they abandoned their parent.
- Alienation is emotional abuse. Alienating your child against the other parent often includes alienating them against their identity, religion, and family. This manipulation and emotional abuse type leads to complex trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder. In addition, your child will feel unsafe with either parent. As a result, they might find themselves with the wrong friend group.
- Alienation backfires. When your children are old enough to understand that they were emotionally abused, they will turn on you. Alienation causes harm to everyone involved.
Dr Monica Borschel, Ph.D. Divorce and Trauma Recovery CoachMonica is originally from Salt Lake City, Utah. She later moved to New York City, earning her masters in clinical psychology from Columbia University. She then pursued herDoctoratein Social Work and Social Administration at theUniversity of Hong Kong. Her training and qualifications include certifications inBrainspottingandHigh Conflict Coaching.Email:[email protected].
Charles Kronzek, Michigan Trial AttorneyCharles Kronzek is a Michigan trial attorney with decades of experience handling hundreds of divorce, custody, child welfare, and other family law-related cases. He earned his Juris Doctor Degree from Western Michigan University in 1995, and soon thereafter, he founded The Kronzek Firm with offices in Lansing, MI, and Detroit, MI. Charles is admitted to practice in all courts in Michigan, all federal courts, and the United States Supreme Court.Website: kronzekfirm.com/
What is vengeful father syndrome?
Malicious parent syndrome refers to a pattern of deliberate vengeful behavior exhibited by the custodial parent towards the non-custodial parent to punish or alienate him/her from the child. The general term “malicious parent syndrome” or “parental alienation syndrome” is gender-neutral – it can apply equally to the mother as well as to the father. Both father and mother are capable of being malicious parents.
In malicious father syndrome, the malicious parent is the father. A malicious father would do his best to tarnish the mothers image in the eyes of the child and create a deep hatred for her in the childs mind or otherwise block or interfere in her parenting.
More about the Malicious Parent Syndrome. Divorce is as stressful as it is tragic. Parents experience a gamut of emotions like anger, sadness, hostility, vengefulness, etc., while thinking about their and their childrens future. It is easy to reach the breaking point in such a situation and become destructive to set right what they feel were the wrongs committed by the other spouse in the marriage.
📹 Parental alienation | Susan Shofer | TEDxResedaBlvd
A bitter divorce. A custody battle. A seven year old girl caught in the middle. The courts toss around the term “in the best interest of …
I have been through this evil. My first son had been groomed by the alienators (my ex and his (now deceased) mother). I have been in mourning for over 20 years now, and sadly have no hope of having a healthy relationship with him. He married someone with the same energy as his father, so he will continue to be manipulated as he has been his whole life. It baffles my mind how souls blindly believe the lies and never question. My own mother was the same way, turned/groomed against me, her only daughter. This life on earth has been HARD. Just know you are all not alone in your suffering. The courts don’t do their job, in my case police lied, doctors lied. My ex’s Aunt had $$ and could buy the opinions of others. It’s crazy and I never saw it coming.
My mother kept my father away and went out of her way to alienate him. It caused tremendous damage. Then as an adult, my ex abducted my children, and of course, since I’m a man, the system failed me and it was decades before I could find my children. By then, the damage was done. She cheated and was abusive. But I’m the villain. The system is a disaster, and encourages this sort of behavior. I’ve been a victim of both ends of it.
Parental Alienation, at its core, is child abuse. When one parent decides to decrease the pool of love that their own child has available to them, that’s Abuse. Especially when the alienated parent has done nothing to deserve that. It’s pettiness. It’s anger. It’s hatred. All feelings the alienating parent has towards the alienated parent. & they use their child, not as a separate entity from themselves, but as a weapon against the other parent. As a parent currently being alienated from his son, I will NEVER understand why she would hurt our son, in order to hurt me. But it’s doing way more damage to our son than its doing to me. Idk why she refuses to acknowledge that.
In my personal experience I’ve seen in my own family members, who have used their child as a form of control to control, the dynamics of the relationship and the situation of the family, of the the loved ones, either by not allowing the other parent to see the child, or turn the child against their own parent, many games and forms of manipulation, that will have a lasting and profound impact in the lives of all involved, many people who have been through this experience . I’ve seen either walk away or are still dealing with it in their own way but indirectly so as to remain in their children’s lives, unfortunately the selfishness of the individual who is not thinking about the child, if they were they would not be doing such acts, both parents being a part of a child’s life is a big part of their lives granted both are healthy individuals…
I have been dealing with this for many, many years! I am the Mom and my ex, who was an alcoholic, systematically groomed my two sons to hate me! I was doing so much better after years of therapy, in dealing with the hostility. I was at peace and just accepted the fact that, no matter what I do, it is always wrong. Unfortunately, my oldest son,, who is also an alcoholic with an explosive temper,, was diagnosed with cancer 6 months ago. He let me know this, even though he never includes me as his family and makes me upset every time I talk to him. So, now, I am pulled back into his horrible behavior. He never fails to call his wife and kids but doesn’t include me as “family” I am now, extremely depressed again and cry all the time! I honestly don’t know what to do!!
I have a big problem with the courts telling a parent that if they haven’t seen their kid in over 7 or 10 years (although that parent has made attempt after attempt …but due to the alienating parent no contact has been made ) that it’s not good for them to come back into their life because quote” it’s been too long,” I’m going to say here today that there is no amount of time that is too long. That if a parent has been alienated for let’s say 10 years that is not a justification for not allowing a child back into the parents life. First step dad’s or stepmothers are allowed to come into a child’s life, somebody they never known before and that’s all the sudden okay it may be 10 years later after a divorce a stepparent comes in and nobody says anything about that. Even if it’s been a 10-year span the biological parents still have tenure over the stepparent. But I see in case law courts saying to biological parents it has been too long that it would be detrimental now….. That should not possibly be true if on the flip side you’re okay with allowing a stepparent to come in out of nowhere and it’s suppose to be okay when that happens. Step parents come into kids lives sometimes when kids are turning all different ages . Why is it detrimental for example for a biological parent to reconnect after 10 years …..but if let’s say the mother remarries when her child is 12 …. This 12 year old knows the biological parent even if it was for one year ( parents divorced at age 1 hypothetically speaking) how can it also not be detrimental for the step parent to all a sudden show up in this child’s life ?
Both my biological daughter and son were severely brainwashed by their mother, my ex, against me. Both kids almost as soon as they turned 18 completely dumped me and willfully had themselves adopted by their stepfather. After being a loving, caring, and great father to them for over 18 years, I am left with nothing but a broken heart. It’s disturbing how evil and selfish my ex was to have completely turned my kids against me all when I was an amazing father to them.
To day is my birth day of my kids . last call i did was in novemebr when she said to my son to call me with my first name !! I was devastated, Now I will sue her in the court for parental alienation, and more if I could just put her to jail I will do, some souls never learn love or care for another person,
My son was just fine 2 day ago when I spoke to him he even ask for me to say my number to him and now today he talking about how he don’t care about me and how he don’t care I didn’t let it get to me because I prepared my self for this I know it not my son I know his evil dad is teaching him the wrong stuff
This is abuse. No too ways about it. Its a crime. Its defamation, slander, manipulation, exploitation, They force the child to adopt the hatred and contempt the alienating parent has for the other parent, and force the child to actually abandon them and any life the child once had with them, and in severe cases the child is threatened to comply or face the consequences. Why dont judges know what to do? What?? Im stunned. When has parental rights superseded ‘do no harm’? Ok judges Listen carefully, I am going to tell you what to do. This is a child PROTECTION issue, NOT a custody issue. Your first and foremost objective is to ensure the safety and well being of a child. A parent will fall into two category’s. Dumb or ill. Ignorant or willed. An ill parent deliberately hurting their child? You do not allow unsupervised visitation. Period.
This “expert” gave away why the concept is problematic within the first 30 seconds. She says its a family dynamic in which a child has been manipulated to reject the other parent “who did nothing wrong”. And how exactly are we differentiating between a parent who did nothing wrong, vs a child that has legitimate concerns due to actual experienced abuse? According to alienation experts, children who have been alienated will exhibit the exact same symptoms as a child who has experience legitimate abuse from a parent. So how are we making the distinction if the behaviors are supposedly the same? As it turns out….courts don’t make the distinction very well. So what you have is situations where a protective parent (usually mom) is trying to save their child from further abuse, but then the guilty party (usually dad) will counter claim that the protective parent is trying to “alienate” the child “for no good reason”. This tactic overwhelmingly favors fathers in these cases, and these cases are basically ground zero for this nonsense. The appellate courts are already starting to catch onto this trend, hopefully its only a matter of time before the lower courts figure this out.
NEVER start a talk on Parental Alienation with “tug-of-war”… It is not 2 parents fighting for child’s attention, but one parent committing child abuse and the other desperately trying to stay relevant in child’s life and give the child her inalienable right to have 2 loving parents care for the child… otherwise well conveyed the trauma & pain of parental alienation for the child.
My fiance’ attempted suicide over the loss of his daughters. God spared him and fortunately, after 7 years, his daughters bravely found their way back to him. I want more than anything, for him to be able to share his story (which is still being written, by the way…). Thank you for your TED Talk. I hope there are more and more of them to promote awareness.
For over thirty years, I have carried unpleasant feelings towards my father who wasn’t in my life. I was and still am uncomfortable speaking to him on the phone and seeing him. I was also very distrustful and resentful to him. It wasn’t until three months ago, I had came to realize that my feelings towards him was due to my mother’s own actions. The earlier memories of seeing my mother hang up the phone on my father, slamming the door in his face whenever he drop me off, the arguments she would start with him in front of me and her badmouthing him and his family to me, all of those moments has never really left me and I took on the anger and distrust that my mother had for my father. Because of that, I missed out on getting to know my father and his side of the family.
I am going through this right now with my children and though they are alive I feel like I’m mourning them. Even though they come over on what little visitation I have they act like robots and don’t want to interact with me, they don’t call me “mom” anymore. It’s heartbreaking. Their dad is constantly fighting me in the guise of a “good dad”. He has turned our children against me and I have lost everything during our 4 year divorce process because I was the higher earner and sacrificed spending more time with our kids because I worked farther. He controlled our relationship and now controls our children. My whole family is alienated and have not seen my kids for 3 years. It is devastating. The courts don’t care. There are too many cases and we are just a number and have 10 minutes in court. My ex cried in court because they were going to give me one overnight twice a month. He acts like I’m not safe for the kids to be around and I would feel bad when the kids cry they want to go back to their dad so I relinquish my time. Next thing I know he is taking them to fun places during my custody time. Even while we were living in the same house I wanted to read a story to them and he said no ask them who they want to read to them. Of course since he said this in front of them they told me they wanted their dad. Children have a right to love both parents equally and not make a decision.
My daughters dad and the stepmother did this too me. My own mother helped out too. My daughter is now 33 years old and blames me for all of this. She tells me I just want to live in the past, that is not true. For her to challenge her belief system is not something she wants to do, it does take courage but she would prefer to hang on to what she has been told.
This is my life. I don’t get to see my 16 year old son now. He hates me. We had a great relationship, did everything together. There is no reason for this. So much he calls me names and cusses me out. He believes I abused him and that I need to grow up, he believes I am the narcissist. I have created a photo album of many activities and places we have been together. So many wonderful memories so I will always remember our bond before all this happened.
This is like someone is telling my exact story and what is happening to my daughter and me. I am determined to fight, but more fight brings more bitterness and hostility from my ex to me and harder time for my daughter. But I do not want to live rest of my life thinking every day that why I did not fight for my daughter.
Wow. Just wow. If I met with you and you told me this story, I would believe you are the worlds best psychic. Thank you for doing what you do. My courts did understand PA and I was awarded full custody. Unfortunately, mom did absolutely zero to follow through with any of the orders, which included reunification therapy, therapy for herself and so much more. I even agreed to pay for it all. It has been over 2 years since I have seen my daughter, law enforcement is slow and the courts do not enforce anything. I always thought everyone would “jump” to find a missing child… I don’t know.. my heart is broken for my daughter to be in a situation of living life on the run. No child deserves this pain.
I moved to another state with my daughter when she was 10months to leave our abuser. He was not apart of her life prior to moving and wanted nothing to do with her. 4 years later decided he wanted to be in her life. After a suicide attempt on my end he took her to California while I was in the psych ward. He filed for full custody claiming that I’m abusive to our daughter and that I’m mentally unstable he was granted temporary custody until custody is decided. He only lets me talk to her on weekends if they aren’t busy. She been there for 9 months and I’ve talked to her for maybe 9 hours in total. I never kept her from him but I was terrified that he was going to do what he’s done to me to her. And he tells me that this is just payback for leaving. I never talked about him to her or bad about him. When I’m able to talk to my daughter I just tell her that I love her and I miss her and that I’m never going anywhere. When I went down for her birthday she broke down and said that she wanted to come home with me but there’s nothing I can do right now and I just feel like I failed her. Part of me is missing and I feel so lost💔
My parents told me they were divorcing at the start of my 3rd grade. I told them I wanted to stay with my father and not move 600 miles away with my mother. My mother then used my 3rd grade teacher to try and alienate me from my father. The teacher told me “you have to change the way you are going”. Later it developed into daily abuse. The teacher would single me out every day for something bad, like my handwriting, and I would go home sad and would sit with my mother for 5-10 mintues and tell her the bad things the teacher had done to me. The worst incident was when the teacher told the class that my father was planning to move to the adjoining town of Poland. She said, “they think they are better than us in Poland”. I felt the whole class looking at me. Two years later my parents were divorced and I did move 600 miles away with my my mother and she used the same phrase almost everyday “they think they are better than us in Ohio”. My mother went on to not let my father have visitation for 1.5 years and two siblings with severe physc disorders, so this condition can be very bad on the kids if left unchecked.
Fifteen years later and I still have to cry every time I think about my children. The Courts sold every thing I had to pay the Court costs putting me on the streets. My Mother’s WILL was taken away to pay to be in the Courtroom. My children can’t work or keep a job as Depression and Mental Illness has set in. Alienation is never ending as the children must adapt to the new normal. Their Dad was never allowed to see the children again when Court started. The Court orders were so many and the cost to change was too high and the children wanted to be with the controller to get free money for themselves. The story will not have a happy ending. Susan is lucky to get away and see the light.
This happened to me. I haven’t seen my daughter for over 20 years because this was done. I tried to talk to her a few years ago and all she said was I hate you and your side of the family, never call me again. She recently graduated college. I miss her and she has been poisoned against me by her mother and grandparents.
Wonderful speech and discussion. You were speaking of thoughtfully points. Every areas you emphasized were deeply true. Your words come from experience and rational conclusions. Unfortunately, the kids are the only victims in this custody war. A war that has no place in the kid’s life. All I can say is that the world is a better place because there are such an amazing people like you. Wish you all the best.
The courts could care less about the children. If they did, they would not allow the women to do this 1) call her new boyfriend ” father” 2) SAY THE KIDS are sick and cannot go on visitation- they are sick next month too. 3) give dad a few days a month visitation. Courts let mom alienate the father. Dad is always the abuser, mom is always the victim. I have not seen my kids in 25 years and probably never will.
Thank you for your honesty telling women to quit shitcanning father’s. till they get it. I have lost my children and a daughter I have not seen now in 20 years. I attempted suicide over this. It’s criminal what happened and know one cared but me. You are telling it just as it was and is still I’ve never healed. Thank you for being a woman and being honest for a change. To late for me and my daughter I’ve never seen again. But she is in my prayers every day.
The first minute brought an immediate tear to my eye l, recalling 30 years later how every bit of this felt. I will caution this for anyone reading… a parent will today utilize social media in order to create this image of being this best or perfect parent(multiple articles, pictures, posts, etc ) while minimizing or perhaps even erasing any presence of the other parent’s involvement in the child’s life. As a father to a four-year-old daughter, i feel deeply for the alienated father spoken about in this TedTalk. No father, mother, or child should ever have to endure parental alienation. I just ask that everyone not miss the forest for the trees…just because one parent may post less frequently on social media (or perhaps not at all) does not indicate that parent has any less of a meaningful relationship with the child and presence in his/her life.
I’ve been through childhood alienation and abuse, my dad wasn’t around much and then disappeared for year’s. I would have been 7 at the time, when I lost my nan as well…. amongst other traumas over the year’s and in later life, at 28 my brother took his own life, a close friend passed away the same year. It’s left many huge scars and caused “mental health issues” anxiety, social phobia, one point agoraphobia, fear, depression, ptsd, psychosis. I was diagnosed bipolar over 20 years ago. I am 49 now. It’s been a huge struggle….
Great talk. In 1975 my mother stopped my Dad seeing me and my sister. We were 6 and 10 months old. I am the oldest. We’ve never found him and men didn’t have a leg to stand on back then. I was forbidden to even say the word “Dad”. A few years ago, on her deathbed my mother said “he was a brilliant father”. The hole is real and my relationships with men have all fallen apart. I’m over 50 now and I will never forgive what happened to me. I missed out on another family and the emotional side of the alienation is just too painful to put into words.
I am an alienated father. My ex lied and said I abused our family for 10k charity funds. The company posted it online. Its been 5yrs now since I’ve been a part of their lives. A Legal call on Friday has me locked in anxiety and fear. No one has helped. The police dismissed my attempts to have my custody enforced. I have watched as 1 by 1 my four kids distance from me until they dissappear. It is like I have held on because of my case against Garanteed Rate Foundation to clear my name. I am now here for my kids who will probably never come around. So I am not sure there is meaning anymore. “If my existence causes my ex to abuse our kids; the I choose the kids”. There is No Help
After my divorce in 12/2019 I have seen my children once and have a child support garnishment against me where people who apparently hated me my entire life had something to gain by isolating me from my children after divorce. It turns out it was over a storage unit and I was assault over it twice. My ex wife moved to Mississippi got happily remarried and I am still being threatened. And garnished. And i still don’t get pictures or get to talk with them since they moved to Mississippi three years ago. People voyeuring them during my divorce didn’t know I’ve worked since 2019.
There is a better way. Parental custody of children is actually a very simple matter to solve given the true desire of “What is best for the child”. We first need to separate and discard marriage from family law as they no longer seem to be connected. We must develop protocols that confer (over time) equal parental rights and responsibilities,…..once parentage is proven.\r Children’s natural maturation process has 3 essential stages of need.\r A.The unconditional love of the mother from birth until about 7 years of age. The mother to have “thefinalsay” and to receive child allowance.\r B.The conditional love of the father, who takes his children out into the world, gives security and teaches social boundaries from 7 until about 13 years of age. The father to have “thefinalsay” and to receive child allowance.\r C.The friendship and respect of peers from 13 until 18 years of age. The child to have “thefinalsay”.\r If these 3 stages are not gone through in order, maturation is unlikely to be satisfactorily achieved and mental resilience reduced. This has now become generational.\r Such a regime of equal parenting rights (over time) would bind parents into a co-operative relationship, because (over time) each will hold the power of “thefinalsay” sequentially when they are best favoured to use it.\r Such family protocols would be the default position, but could in exceptional cases be varied by the court.\r Buckminster Fuller said:-\r “You never change things by fighting the existing reality.
I have often seen a judge, well aware there is parental alienation, still leave the child with the alienating parent versus removing them. I can see this is frustrating, but many factors are measured in making these decisions. A judge will weigh whether the child has supports that will be lost if uprooted, like extended family, friends, the school, baseball teams etc…and while the alienated parent is outraged, pointing out their child can make new friends, find a new sports team, can start a new school, they are not considering the pressure on the child, already overwhelmed by the divorce, having to tackle all of the changes. Parents will oftenfocus on their rights, what they deserve, and I get all of that, but the day the courts are dragged into the lives of all concerned, their wants matter far less. I believe making a standard of 50/50 from day one takes alot of power from an alienating parent. I get that 50/50 can’t always work for some, but they should not be what determines whether 50/50 exists. Having worked with families destroyed by alienation, I have seen how vital it is that the family court system and ANY person working on a case that decides the welfare of a child, should be educated in parental alienation. Vast numbers of jobs require employees to upgrade education, and yet the family courts have dozens of types of staff involved in the lives of these families. I have watched a manipulative parent befriend the court representative of the child, the GAL, and seen that person ignore the other parent, making one sided decisions based on little more than the lies spewed by a hate filled ex.
This hits so close to home not going into details. But this is a fight I have been fighting all my life. And all my child’s life. It does harm the soul. I’m trying hard to break cycles and give my daughter a life of peace but it’s not easy of after years of this being done to my daughter by her father and step mother. I was so alone in the fight and I just gave up because I knew I would never win. Still trying to get this dark cloud to go away. But I fear my daughter will never understand the truth. And I don’t want to harm her by talking to her but I see it effecting her life and I feel it’s time to let the cat out if the bag so she can heal. But I shouldn’t have waited so long. But she’s about to be 24. And I just figured everything out at 47. After reading a lot about Narcissistism I figured out what had went on. But I never talked bad about them until recently. Because I figured out all that they were doing to her for a long time. She wants apologies for things but she won’t bring up the subjects. So I thought it best and it’s time to explain it. I guess if she don’t want the truth then she’s not ready to heal. I wish I fully understood it when she was young. Thank you for posting this article. I shared it because I know many this has happened to. And this needs to be an awareness of this. I believe this also happened to me as a child along with many other things. But my daughter and I both have lots of inherited trauma from both sides of our family’s. Now my daughter and I need to heal.
On the topic of FAIRNESS… it is critically important to be THOROUGH… My ex has LifeLong, Documented Mental Illness… He had the Money and the Hate and Fear to acquire Primary Physical Care. I am the MOTHER who endured and lived through the Abuse. I am still doing that today. The Abuse continues… I was left for dead, while “DADDY” cries Wolf and is rewarded and protected for his brokenness and reign of terror. That is the ALIENATION that I walk with, daily. Every Story is Unique. A quick overview is the Detriment to the Children and all of Society. A deeper look at the details will always reveal TRUTH. Having my Child be taken from her Mother is the most HEINOUS OFFENSE I have endured… and I KNOW I am not alone.
My son would get soo fearful and emotionally exhausted before a weekend visitation that he would vomit before getting in the car. There was no way to prove or discuss it, and my son would face retaliation for talking about it. He feared his father, and since he was a toddler his father has methodically bad mouthed all the safe adults that provided a positive stability- further isolating him. He could never win his approval. His dad would talk about all his “faults” and then state how each was because I was a horrible parent. My son is now 13 and after a decade of this, his self esteem is nonexistent and he still dreads his dad’s weekends. All I can do is help him navigate the confusing things being said about his closest loved ones that directly conflicts with his own experience. His dad’s constant gaslighting has caused him to doubt his own perceptions and feelings. His dad harbors a seemingly endless supply of anger for me and has as of yet never eased up on unloading it on our son- despite the minimal direct contact he has with me.
This is devastating. My ex is currently engaged in parental alienation. She has encouraged our 10yr old to call me by first name, discusses lawyers and court with him telling him he’s on the winning side… has been gatekeeping reducing my time to day visits with no over nights. He no longer hugs me or wants to see me. It has destroyed my life
It’s been almost 3 years since I’ve seen my 28 year old son. Things turned bad when I left his narcissistic step father who told him terrible lies about me. It was a very long manipulation that occurred over our 16 year relationship where my kid’s step father degraded and criticized my loving parenting style mixed with verbal abuse, violence and many scare tactics including many scary road rage incidents with 3 kids in the car and me fearing for our safety. After I left he went on a rampage to destroy my loving relationships, put me out of business and try to legally take my home. I was a widow when he came into our lives with 2 boys under 5 years old. I see now how he groomed me and fooled me with his charm. I pray one day my son sees the truth. I pray for karma. I pray for peace to all.
The courts do not do their best they push the interests of the child which really means the interest of the mother. Most kids are not living with the father but the mother. One cannot tell the children what is going as it may be seen as slagging off the mother, one cannot tell the kids why one does not see them as it’s again seen as slagging off the mother. The result is the mother is allowed to do as she pleases, she controls access, does not provide financial support for the children when the kids are with the father, this is despite her having a massively well-paid job. If the father cannot afford to feed the kids then the mother will demand the children go home early. Yet while the mother has custody of the children, the father is expected to provide financial support regardless of his income and the time of the children. Effectively the father has to pay the people who steal his children. The end result is the children lose respect for the father, become hostile to him, and cling to the mother and her family. Job is done as far as the mother is concerned, all done with the help of social services, school, and the family courts.
My husband’s sons, now adults. His one son won’t even speak to him. His other son barely. Both great men now. They still live with Mom. A few years ago his eldest son invited him to his college graduation. His Mom made a huge scene about “why” is he here he doesn’t deserve to see you graduate. He had nothing to do with raising you. Swore in front of our 11 year old. She made such a fuss that day, his son no longer responds to him. His younger son was going to come for the holidays until his Mom told him he needed to watch the “dog” because she had to go do something.
Very well spoken 👏 This is a sad sad topic, that so many children suffer from ! The sad thing is, its the lawyers that foster these things, so they can make more $, an the courts whom just dont care enough to do whats best for the children, rather they just listen to the bs the lawyers spew an know that more court = more $ for all but the 1s that matter most, the children !
My 20 year-old special needs son has been alienated against me and the mother continues to drag me to the courts looking for even more money . I’m now on my 9th legal representative at great cost to defend my case. She has caused his hospitalization at least 3x times that I know of and STILL she retains sole custody. The system is so F’d up!
They NEVER act in the best interest of the child. They act in the best interest of the budget of the state. Matching funds for child support enforcement, remuneration for “single moms” who don’t work and live off of Dad’s money and welfare…that’s what is driving this. Period. Family court is basically the DMV or a traffic court in a one stoplight town without a tax base.
It’s happening to me…what can we do about it??? It’s horrible and NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE. Courts, Attorneys, even those close to me all say “….just wait it out. Your kids will come around”. Well….SOME OF US DON’T WANT TO F*CKING WAIT!!! Why should we have to…it’s ABSURD!!!! Maybe 2 years? Maybe 5 years? Maybe 10 years? If you have kids, how long would you “just wait” while your kids ignore you and don’t want to see you b/c of what they are being told. Sorry for venting. Ms. Shofer…”thank you” for this.
This speaker is well-intentioned, though she describes parental alienation too simplistically. It’s not just about badmouthing. Alienators make the kids believe the targeted parent is unsafe or inadequate, which breaks the child’s attachment to that parent. Their badmouthing can also be very subtle, which leads the kids to believe that THEY are the ones badmouthing the parent and that the alienator is merely being supportive of their complaints. There’s so much about parental alienation that’s counter-intuitive. Simplistic explanations don’t help to understand this family dynamic as it needs to be if it is to be understood and addressed.
I experienced this. And in my practice, I see many MOTHERS alienated from their children because the father has a more stable job, money and has created a narrative or even an implied narrative that the mother is worthless as a mother or a just a person who doesn’t really care about them or makes them a priority. And the mother has no way to fight because the more it happens, the less attachment is created between child and mother, the more mother is viewed as defective or enemy, and the older the child gets, the less the mother has both ability and strength to fight. The child will suffer irreparable damage to their understanding of the nature of love. The child has been weaponized both during and after the divorce. This is the highest form of child abuse. It is illegal in certain countries like Israel but it is not yet classified as a crime here. There is no awareness by the court system or the players in the system of parental alienation or it’s resultant effects. And the generational trauma will continue. My ex lost his mother to death at 3 years old and was not motherly nurtured. The nature of generational trauma is that he did the same thing to his child – made sure he didn’t have a mother either. Both out of his own subconscious trauma and his vindictive anger and insecurity. It is tragic and unspeakably painful. To stand by and see your child slip away day by day, month by month, year by year; to not be included in major milestones purposely and because you no longer matter is the most painful experience I have ever endured.
Parental Alienation isn’t about abuse (depends on “not accidental” effort) but perhaps an instinct to erase the ex, evinced with the many ORDERS in Standard Divorce Decrees to keep BOTH parents involved. Don’t make Parental Alienation “child centric,” their state of mind whether gleeful with hatred or traumatized does not matter. Support parental rights FIRST! These Parental Alienating (“strategies?” LOL) “behaviors” get ignored in Family Court through NO definition for PA in law nor psychiatry. People who promote the counter-productive “abuse” angle put themselves at the mercy of psych “professionals” who could not handle real science in college. Quacks profit from pseudo-science: “Dr.” Amy Baker sells amatuerish pamphlets to lawyers, “Dr.” Richard Warchak authors semi-serious books like “Divorce Poison” but then promotes a 3 day “Family Reunification” retreat for $14,000 booked over a year in advance – USELESS!!! REPEAT – Remember, Parental Alienation has NO definition in law nor psychiarty. Simply, Parental Alienation is a form of KIDNAPPING. Enforce possession orders, and STOP the legal profession pimping “therapists” with no professional code nor accountability! Just like Judges! Exagerating “abuse” will only provide an almost non-functional Family Court to stall your parenthood with legal proceedings, pimp psyche “professionals” and “experts,” and drain your wallet, all of which clouds your ability to parent with doubt, hearsay, rumor, and character assassination and leaving the Judge to make arbitrary decisions “in the child’s best interest.
Only couple criticisms, trust me, you hit the nail umpteen times! However, when you initially said the child has to be 50/ 50 with each parent- the child is torn apart. Nope. It’s not true. 50-50 will not tear the child in two- it will help her have two Family trees. In South Africa- one half of her family tree is hacked down with 16,6% time with the dad if you are a ‘lucky’ dad. Hacking down one half of her is never better than allowing her to have two family trees. My belief that Co-parenting has to be the new norm- it’s ok for parents to split- but to coparent the child unified. In my opinion- it is not the parents that have shredded the child- it is actually the social workers, police and magistrates that empower the women to delve into their pandoras box that never ceases. Lawyers are also guilty of festering this line of thought in the alienating parent. I am glad you mentioned that the child may also develop emotional issues in their own future relationships- where they themselves veer toward such dysfunctional relationship manners.
Great talk thankyou. I would like to know the stats on how many of the alienating parents have psychological disorders. How can the alienating parent possibly do a good job raising a child if they are hellbent on getting back at the other parent through the child/ren? Believing their own lies because they’ve had a lifetime of learning them, then passing them onto the child. It’s so damn wrong.
Little girls and little boys are not at court witnessing these… And it’s not a tug of war, it’s one parent’s wrong doing!!!The fact that you are referring the mom the parent who alienated the child from the father, instead of saying one parent offended me very much because I am a mother whose daughter was alienated from me!!! instead of referring a mother and father, should refer as one parent and the other during the entire presentation!
It’s funny how this lady mentions either parent can do this while only painting a picture of the mother being horrible lol lol she fails to mention how family court does not protect children against the dad when he is in danger. She doesn’t talk about how the child can be telling the mom, police, cps the horrible things he does to her all while failing to protect her because they are so hung up on being 50/50 the well being of the child does not matter. She does not talk about how only 6% of children that say these horrible things are happening is false but the other 94% is correct. She doesn’t talk about no matter how much evidence the have the dad is hurting the child it doesn’t matter in family court because that belongs in criminal court so they will keep sending kids back to be abused. Sad this lady works for family court and has such a bad take on women trying to protect there child. Family court should come with a warning sing. “We don’t care about the children, we don’t care how much anyone hurts them”
Consider that the so called hate that the mother spews onto the children is not hate but pain from betrayal by the man she invested her whole life, time, emotions, dreams, and resources into. A successful but cold hearted and narcissistic man who after committing adultery then divorcing the mother of his children for yet another woman now calmly and incidiously uses his bountiful, two income financial resources to alienate the children from the mother using the legal system by pretending to be the protector, defender, and savior of the children from the wounded and struggling person that he betrayed and now paints as a monster. I believe its called the unhealthy attachment model. Something to think about.