A study by Monk and coauthors examined the reasons people cancel their weddings and get cold feet. Calling off a wedding means an unresolved issue that was not discussed before, and it might have avoided a potentially problematic relationship. A therapist might help mitigate the need to call off the wedding or help decide whether that option is right for you.
Calling off a wedding involves tough conversations and may involve conflict resolution skills. If you have horrendous arguments and fights with your partner and nothing ever seems to get resolved, you may want to consider calling off your wedding until the two of you work on your relationship. If the wedding itself is stressful but this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, then cut the wedding and marry the man.
You are an inspiration for others, as many brides have shared their reasons for canceling their marriage on or right before their wedding day. The study recruited 30 individuals living in the US who had individually or mutually called off their engagements to a partner of another sex.
Fear of commitment is a real thing, and it is possible that your desire to leave a relationship is coming from an unhealthy, “avoidant” impulse. Some couples have called off their weddings due to a meltdown over centerpieces, fear of commitment, or a desire to avoid the end of a relationship.
In conclusion, calling off a wedding can be a difficult decision, but it can also provide opportunities for healing and growth.
📹 Calling off my wedding, and ~Coming Out~. (1 Year Later)
THANK YOU to my official Patreon Contributors: Lucien, Simone, and J.T.! **affiliate link ↠ If you made it all the way to the bottom …
What percentage of people call off their wedding?
- Approximately 20% of engagements were called off before the wedding.
- Nearly 50% of all the breakups across all stages were caused by financial stresses.
- Less than half of the couples going through break ups tried to make it work and only 17% regretted that they never gave it another shot.
- Only 7% of both men and women blamed themselves for a failed relationship while over 13% cited people outside the relationship as the cause for the breakup. This is supported by the 19% of couples that said that their breakup was caused by disapproving family members, the second greatest cause of breakups across the board.
- Over 25% of those that ended a relationship believe that a willingness to compromise would have made all the difference.
Interestingly, financial stressors accounted for nearly 50% of all breakups, followed by family disapproval, then differences on having children.
40% of participants blamed their partner for the breakdown of the relationship, while 39.4% said that they were equally to blame.
How common are broken engagements?
The answer can matter to anyone who is engaged, married – or even thinking about tying the knot. No one knows for sure how many engagements end in a breakup, although there are estimates that roughly 1 in 5 do so.
Is it normal to want to call off your wedding?
The relationship might need to be fixed before getting married. It is okay to cancel a wedding if it is the best decision for the couple. If you have reasons to cancel your wedding, it’s better to do it now than regret it later. People ignore warning signs because they love each other or are embarrassed. But it’s smart to know what to expect before you get married. Otherwise, you may get divorced. Here are some reasons to cancel your wedding: You may have doubts about your partner’s commitment or be having serious arguments. Or your partner wants kids, but you don’t. They think you’ll change your mind.
What do you say to someone who calls off their wedding?
Sometimes it’s not helpful to say, “It’ll be okay.” Your friends are thinking about vendor contracts, deposits, travel plans, and guest logistics. Right now, they’re processing the idea of their wedding day being postponed. Right now, it’s okay for your friends. Instead of saying, “It’ll be okay,” say, “I’m sorry.” I wish it were different, and I’m here for you. Don’t give advice unless asked.
What is the no phone wedding rule?
What is an unplugged wedding? An unplugged wedding is when the wedding couple asks guests to turn off their phones, cameras, and other digital devices during the ceremony. You can do whatever you want with an unplugged wedding. There’s no right or wrong way to organize one. No matter how strict you want to be, here are a few questions to ask yourself before having an unplugged wedding. Why do you want an unplugged wedding? Some couples choose an unplugged wedding for various reasons. They want their guests to be present, they don’t want their wedding pictures to be of their guests on their phones, guests should stay in their seats, and they want control over their wedding photos.
What does it mean when the wedding is called off?
When someone says the wedding is off, it means the wedding is canceled. A wedding can be called off for many reasons, including changes in the relationship, disagreements about the wedding plans, or unexpected events.
Is it bad to back out of a wedding?
“Most couples say their wedding day was a blur with all the family and well-wishers there,” Swann said. Your absence won’t affect how much they enjoy the day. Tell them in advance so they don’t look for you on your wedding day. In 2024, Americans will vote for the future of our country. At HuffPost, we believe a free press helps voters make informed choices. That’s why our journalism is free. Other newsrooms charge for their content. Our journalists will keep you updated on the presidential election. With your help, we’ll bring you the best journalism. We take our reporting seriously, and we thank you for your support.
How to support someone who called off a wedding?
1. DO: Validate their feelings. Support couples who postponed their wedding by offering a safe space to vent. It’s okay to bring it up first. Let them talk about it if they want to. Meet them where they are. “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” You have every right to feel this way. Your day is going to be beautiful. This totally sucks. You deserve your dream day. I’ll support you. I’m here for you. Don’t sugarcoat it. Be real. We don’t know what the future holds. This situation is less than ideal. Tell them their feelings are valid and just listen.
Is it rude to leave a wedding?
If you want to leave before the reception ends, thank the couple and say you’re sorry. You never leave before the ceremony is over, unless there’s an emergency.
Can you stay together after calling off a wedding?
Yes. As long as you’re OK with never getting married. Many happy couples don’t get married.
Is it rude to pull out of a wedding?
It would be rude to miss the wedding because you’re related and the rest of your family is going. If they have enough notice, they won’t have to pay for you. About 10% fewer people attend weddings and receptions than RSVP.
What to do after calling off a wedding?
Calling off your wedding can make you feel down. It’s important to have the right support, from friends, family, or a professional like a therapist or coach.
📹 Worthwhile Reasons to Call Off or Postpone Your Wedding
This video lists several legitimate reasons for postponing or even calling off the wedding. Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a …
“i feel like i can breathe when for years i didn’t even realize i was holding my breath.” i think i just bawled my eyes out. i just wanted to share that eversince i came out to myself as a gay/lesbian i can easily fall asleep at night and wake up feeling good. i forgot the last time i had a decent sleep before i admitted to myself that i am a lesbian.
Also want to add that it probably wasn’t only compulsive heterosexuality that made us assume liking men is a given, but also the fact that in our specific case, there was a specific man who we loved, so that must imply that liking men is a given, as part of the logic, not only because of the overall concept of comphet
Not to be noisy here, but I really wanted to hear that Dallas is fine a year later. I fully support you, but I always felt for him also in this situation, and always wished he turned out to be living happier, as you clearly are. He is just such a nice gentil person. Not details, I just needed someone to tell me he´s happy. I hope he is happy.
Old lesbian follower here in the U.S. crying in the afternoon perusal this. It’s like I’ve been following the journey of a daughter or niece I’ve never met, and yet am no less invested in. So proud of you for having the courage to be vulnerable enough to share yourself and your story with so many. Never forget that what you do here on your website touches so many lives. It matters. Thank you.
I finally admitted my truth to myself, at 36, and eight years into a heterosexual marriage, that I am a lesbian. I came out three months ago, and still living with my future ex, I’m pretty sure the stress will kill me, but you are a huge inspiration. I’m so scared and lost, and just feeling blah. So glad to have found your website! I’m sincerely hoping I’ll be in your spot this time next year, or any time in the future really. So much love to you. 💜🌈
I also used to rationalize my ‘attraction’ to men as why I wasn’t gay. But, you see, I was never attracted to men. My crushes on dudes were always ‘someone said he was cute’ or ‘someone said he likes me’ not ‘I found myself liking him’ and I never thought that attraction shouldn’t be like that. I read the Lesbian Masterdoc a year (or two) ago, and… I pretended like it didn’t exist, because I was scared. I was scared that maybe… I’d have to come out in my personal life. That I would have to be open. I was scared of people rejecting me, and I still am. However, I have come to terms with my sexuality, and that’s… not something I saw myself having. If y’all are going through something similar, just know you aren’t ‘invalid’ if you experienced ‘attraction’ to men, or at one point in your life were attracted to men. You are valid, and you are under no obligation to explain yourself to anyone (besides yourself).
When I was still “straight” I was always telling my mum and friends that I wished I was gay so I would not have to deal with man anymore. Wel with 24 I kissed a girl for the first time and I was in love with her like immediately? 😄 I was fine with it from this moment on and I will be forever grateful to my first girlfriend for pushing open that door! ☺️
I had the opposite experience. I went from pretending I was a lesbian so I would make other people comfortable around me lol to going back to dating both genders. I have a bf and I care less about people talking shit to me about it than I would have in the past =). Still love women and still bi. No one should be afraid to be who they are. love is love! I also broke up with my gf at the beginning of the pandemic as well but for other reasons not related to my sexual orientation.
When I watched your article a year ago, I considered myself bisexual. Not because I thought, ah yes, I like women and men, therefore, I am bi, but because I thought I liked women, so I have to be bi. I didn’t question my attraction regarding men and I completely ignored my attraction towards women. At that point, I had been in a relationship with a guy for 3 1/2 years, so of course I didn’t question if I was attracted to men. The answer was right there in my relationship. Then I watched your article. I cried a lot. I panicked. And I couldn’t get it out of my head. And since that moment I was constantly thinking to myself “I wish I could do that. I wish I could break up with my boyfriend and be gay. I wish I had that option.” Thinking that I didn’t. Thinking it would be better for both me and my partner to just ignore everything I’ve been feeling and try to carry on with a relationship that depressed me. Because on paper, we were happy and stable. Our friends and families saw us as the exemplary couple, so I tried to convince myself they were right and that I should want this, too. I was at a straight wedding of family friends and I thought “If they can do it and be happy, I can too” even though I dreaded actually marrying my partner. But I was certain that would be my inevitable future. Fast forward a couple of months. We broke up. And I have never felt so relieved before. Of course the break up sucked, but I got out of a situation that crushed me. Because I had that option and because it’s okay to pursue a life that makes me happy.
Alayna, when I saw your article a year ago, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I was married to a man and proudly bi. Your honesty struck such a chord with me and I couldn’t deny myself questioning my attraction to men any longer. Don’t know what label I want still. But thankfully I’m now divorced, praise be to the gays and lil nas x.
Your original article stopped me from going down the same path (engagement to a man). We were heading in that direction, but perusal that article felt like a glaring warning sign because deep down I knew I was really gay and not bi. Within a few months, I ended the relationship, came out, and I have never been happier. Thank you, you have made a difference to so many of us, and you are truly not alone ❤
(to the tune of The Safety Dance) “You can gay if you want to, You can leave weddings behind! Cause you don’t like men And if you don’t like men Then you shouldn’t date a guy! I say, you can gay if you want to, seek love out and try to find, And we can act like we come from out of the closet For the second time – it’s fine!”
The part where you tall about a sense of loss or mourning for a life you didnt have, a life with a woman really hit home for me. I cant believe how many times i wished i had dated girls before getting seriously involved with another boy, or wished it was a girlfriend i had instead of a boyfriend 🤦♀️ it seems so obvious looking back
I just realized how similar my experience was to yours omg. Quarantine helped me realize that too, Quarantine is making everyone gay 😂 I’ve dated men before and I loved them but it never felt right. I realized how often I mistook dread, fear, anxiety, male validation, platonic and aesthetic attraction as romantic feelings. Like oof damn, comp het is a b*tch smh
I was married for 5 years to a man and I always thought I was bi because I did love him dearly. It took me forever to realize I might love him so much but I wasn’t in love with him. I felt like I was grieving a life where I would never be truly me after that. Now that we’re divorced I feel free and wish him absolutely nothing but the best in life. Only took me til I was 27 but here we are. 😂
I’m honestly do grateful for your articles. I came out as lesbian four years ago after identifying as bi for three years before that but being too afraid to talk to girls. It was not easy coming out at 29, but it was so liberating and it makes me feel less alone seeing other lesbians who didn’t come out when they were teens.
I was on a call with a friend from high school recently and we both told each other that we are queer and we both realized that your articles had helped us recognize that we are not straight and/or more gay than we realized so THANK YOU!! thank you to youtube and the algorithm for helping me recognize that I can be gay if I want to be because I do and I always did 😊 “you can be gay if you want to be” is so beautiful to me now but at first I had the same mental pushback that you talk about in this article but in the end it is exactly what I needed to hear
Same-sex relationships are still remaining stigmatized. And people, who find out some inclinations of them, are scared to come out because the consequences can be not that good as expected. It’s natural to be scared of social disapproval or misunderstanding, and any article like this is truly brave step.
Duuude, I owe you so much for posting that article. I think I would have gotten there in the end on my own, but as I watched your article it literally blew down the wall that was hiding what my “attraction” to men really was and everything just took off running after that. One year later I am out as a lesbian to my family and friends! And for once the prospect of a date makes me excited and nervous in a GOOD way, instead of dreading it and nervous in a “I want to die and literally would do anything to not be doing this” kind of way.
“I KNEW. I knew it, but I doubted. Because I thought how can you really know without living it.” THIS. I had this deep down feeling that I was gay but I had never had any romantic or sexual experiences to base it on. I’m talking never even kissed a boy or a girl in my life. And that was part of the reason why it was so terrifying telling my parents at age 28. It was like I was making the boldest claim of my life and risking my relationship with my parents for a literal THEORY that I’d been going over in my head for 7 years. It’s nice to know there are others feeling the same way.
Listen, I know I’m like 22 hours late and you probably won’t even see this but I thought you should know. I’m a 15 year old girl who is out and proud in a southern town. I’ve known I was gay(literally since jump rope for heart) since fourth grade. But your experience and your old articles still educate and help me to this day. From your articles on bisexuality helping me overcome that lesbian distaste of bisexuality, or your recent articles showing me that you are never to old to be who you really are. You are really truly an inspiration in many ways Ms. Fender. Keep being you.
I found your coming out article a year ago when I was in the exact same place as you. I ended a two year relationship with a man I loved dearly after realizing I was not bi, but very much a lesbian. I was so scared at that time, and your content made me feel so much less alone. Thank you so much for being so honest and vulnerable, and sharing it all with the world.
I’m crying perusal this because even though I’ve never been in a relationship with anyone I too identified as bi for years, then last year I realised I was a lesbian. It was just as you said, I had taken attraction to men as a given and had never questioned it even though I knew I was into women but once I did question my attraction to men I realised I had none. I was so fearful of one day having to date a man but knowing now that I never have to brings me so much joy.
I dated a man for 5 years. Until I was 25. I really love him… But I wasn’t in love with him… I thought that that’s what I was supposed to feel.. I believed that I was bi… Turns out I’m not. Now a 27 years old lesbian living with the love of my life. I now I’m going to marry her some day. Late bloom lesbians for ever!
I wish the idea that you can 100% love and want to spend the rest of your life with someone you aren’t romantically or sexually attracted to was more common, I feel like it would save a lot of people a good deal of confusion. I don’t think I worded this very well, but it’s the best way I can think of right now
This article made me cry so much. I literally feel all those feelings right now. I figured out I’m not straight two years ago. I’m married to a straight male and I haven’t explored really at all with anyone else. We’ve been together for ten years. I don’t know what to do. He said he’ll let me explore but I’m scared I will like it too much and then I’ll be super unhappy with him. I love him but I also want to love a girl. It’s hard. Thanks for sharing this article. Much love to you. ❤️
I realized last year, at 36, that I am gay. I had repressed myself for so long, I never even allowed myself to explore my attraction to women. No wonder I was staring at what I saw as the inevitable failure of my second marriage (I had only been in toxic relationships with men). Alayna, your articles have helped me so much. I have been able to find community (online) with other late bloomer lesbians. I found your articles during one of my darkest and deepest times of depression and they helped me have hope again. It seems dramatic to say that your articles and sharing your story helped save my life, but it’s true
I came out in my 30s…I was married. Got a divorce and I am with my partner that I have always truly wanted to be with since I was 21 or 22. I wish someone would have told me it is okay to be gay as well and I could have had the life I always wanted years ago. So happy some of us can take that leap and go after the life we really want.
this is exactly what its like you explain it so well i thought i was like a-sexual demi-romantic without knowing what those are but still and like the day that i found out gay was a thing it just clicked like how tf did i ever think i liked men like this is why i could never really understand what it feels like to have a crush was because i was always looking at men to find if i liked anyone when i should have looked at the wonderful woman the day i found out you could be attracted to your same gender i realized i felt differently about one of my close female friends and had a crush on her i became obsessed with learning all about the gay community and about a month later i confessed to the girl now over a year later we’re still a couple and im glad i live a life expressively gay because its dramatically pointed my life in a happier direction
I randomly found your website two weeks ago through your lesbian thirst trap article, and I love you so much already💜💜💜 Thanks for being yourself and being someone I now look up to and adore!!! The phrase “you can be gay if you want to” really means a lot to me. That whole idea of it’s okay to be who I am really was the theme in my coming out back when I was 17. I bought a shirt and I’m so happy it’s a thing!!! You’re amazing and I respect you!!
I found you last year right after I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years and came out to myself as a lesbian. I felt so alone especially since it was the beginning of lockdown. Thank you so much for validating my experience and being so vulnerable and sharing all this. You’ve helped me more than you can imagine. Appreciate you❤️
Oh Alayna, I am with you. I was in a hetero relationship for 10 years, also engaged, and had to step away from it all after I figured out I was gay at the age of 30. Hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but the most authentic I’ve been able to live. Wouldn’t change a thing! Thank you for sharing your truth. I feel heard and seen when I hear you speak about your experience. ❤️❤️❤️
22:48 “I hope you will all stick around?” “You did!” This part made me cry so hard, I’ve been a fan of you sense I came out to myself around the same time you did. I’m forever grateful I had you when I needed a queer creator to look up to. I felt so alone and you helped me feel normal. Thank you so much
honestly, you being that vulnerable in tht article has really helped me see clearly and you might not know it but u are a safe space. i am currently going thru the exact same thing, the same questions and thinking as u were. and honestly u helped me so much and just hearing someone else voice those same thoughts was exactly what i didn’t know i wanted. thank you so much alayna <3
I remember perusal your article from a year ago…it felt like drinking a glass of water when I had no idea how thirsty I was. I have watched you over the years as someone who, too, thought that they must be bi since she was in love with a man. Breaking up with that man was one of the scariest things I had ever done since I also was not quite sure if I was gay, and not quite sure I even wanted to try it out given how in love I was with this man. That period of my life was incredibly painful, but ultimately one that I am most proud and grateful for living through. I do admit though, at times, the beauty of coming out and coming to self can feel a bit isolating and sad when you are not seeing that type of story reflected around you. Which brings me back to how validating your story has been to me; to watch another 28 year old woman share her journey and articulate it (and celebrate it!) in a way that really resonates, I have found radical comfort in connection and community. We can all see in that original article how absolutely terrified you were to share. So Alayna- kudos to you and THANK YOU for doing such a brave thing. Who you are, how you show up, and your exact journey (as messy and chaotic as it might feel) has made very specific and life-giving impact. Keep doing what you are doing, girl. This stuff is important.
i started perusal your articles a year ago after seeing your coming out again article and i just wanted to say i am so happy for you and that it has been so amazing to see a little part of your journey through your articles!! thank you for being such a bright light for so many in this community & i wish you the best in the year to come <3!!
Two months ago I ended my 3 year relationship with a man and came out as a lesbian. Aside from timeline differences, your experience is almost VERBATUM what happened between my ex-partner and I and this is so validating, relatable, and emotional to watch. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences
I keep thinking I’m maybe asexual but maybe I’m just bi or lesbian. Its been years since I’ve been with a dude and rarely get attracted to them. I’m happy you’ve found your peace. There’s a song from my favorite article game Last of Us 2 that Ellie sings, “it’s no better to be safe then sorry” that’s been hitting me lately.
I recognize myself in so much of this journey and I just feel so thankful that you’re putting all of it in words and sharing it. I was in a relationship (for 5 years) up until February when I realized I was gay (thought I was pan) and by then I’d been thinking about it for a year, probably more. Alayna, I don’t think I would’ve realized without your articles, especially the one with the lesbian masterdoc – I think that was my wake up call, lol. Thank you soo so so much for all the articles you put out <3
i remember perusal this the day it came out like it was yesterday. listening and relating to everything with comp het. i’m so happy to see everything fall into place for you and living your best authentic life. it’s beautiful how i have also felt the same release in this time. sending u all the love 💕
I’ve only just found your website in the last week, and after starting with some uplifting tiktok content (THANK YOU), have watched this today and am really moved. You are a beautiful soul, sharing your journey with the world in a way that I imagine is helpful to so many. I’m grateful for your vulnerability and compassion and humour throughout it all!
You inspire me so much!! I love how open and honest you are about your mental health. You’re not the kind of person to say “I’m fine” when you’re not. I live that about you because I’ve always struggled to be able to do that. You have helped me to realize that it’s ok to mot be ok. Thank you for everything and for sharing your life, your struggles, your happy times, your sad times. I love this website and you!!
I just wanna say I’m so grateful for your openness with all this, my experience is almost identical to yours. When I discovered you and realized i wasn’t alone in this it made things way easier for me, now everything I’ve been through and all the confusion… it all makes sense. Thank you Alayna, from the bottom of my heart.
That article made suchhh a difference in my life. I can’t believe it’s only been a year as well, my life feels so different now too. perusal that vid (and Contrapoints article “shame”) really accelerated me questioning my sexuality, but now I’m two months out of my 5 year hetero relationship and I’m honestly shocked at how much happier I am. Thank you SO much for your bravery and honesty in sharing your journey – classic butterfly effect, you being yourself has helped sooo many people to do the same. ❤️
Hey Alayna I would just like to thank you for helping me. It has been a tough few years for me and lockdown has been pretty tough in the UK and I have watched your articles on mindfulness and listened to your podcast. So now when I feel low instead of listening to my own demons I can hear you saying its ok not to be ok. I love your website keep up the good work
Alayna, your honesty in your articles is changing lives, for real. When your coming out article came out a year ago, I was in the middle of a two-year discovery of my sexuality. I had “confirmed” my attraction to women a couple years earlier and was working through comp-het without knowing it as well. Your article was a turning point in understanding myself as a lesbian. Now I’m in school to get my Master’s in Library Science and doing a research paper on LGBTQ youth as an information community, and how libraries can better serve them!
Can’t believe it’s been a year! So proud of you that you can live your life loud and proud! I started following you and your website several years ago, because I’m bisexual and I related to your content, but I still love perusal you! It makes me so happy you’re in a better and more honest place in your life now! You gave me the courage to reflect not on my sexuality, but my gender and last year I came out as genderfluid and now go by all pronouns! So thankful for you and keep up the great content! 🌈☺️
oh, alayna. this was so emotional for me to watch. you have been such a light in my life and in my discovery of sexuality (which is a journey i’m still on in my early twenties). i just want to say that you make me feel not alone and i’m really grateful that years ago i stumbled upon a article of yours. xo
alayna!!!! your articles really helped me process what i’ve been going through over the past year. i’ve been perusal your content for years (and also thought i was bi for years.) i was on the path to finding out i was wrong but your article helped me realize sooner and put words to what i was feeling. i’d been in a relationship with a man for over three years and it felt impossible for me to be gay even if i thought that was the truth. hearing about your experience absolutely changed my life. thank you.
Thank you for talking about Dallas, going through the same stuff as you, I gotta be honest, hurting him and then losing him were (and still are a bit) the things that scared me most of all this journey… Maybe it’s because of that “social rule” that exes can’t be friends or that you can’t love someone with all your heart unless it’s romantic, but those ideas were pretty painful for me u.u
this article and the one it reacted to are so important. I found your website months after I broke up with my boyfriend in September. A month ago, I decided to stop being friends with him and cut off contact as i wasn’t able to move past our bond and embrace my sexuality. It’s like going through that self-doubt and break up all over. So thank you for this reminder that the way I’m feeling is valid and natural and for being someone that so many can relate to 🙂
you are so kind and compassionate to yourself in this article and it is so nice to see. about 7 or 8 months ago (after having been out as bisexual for 7 years) i started realizing that i’m not attracted to men and i was also experiencing comphet, and it just really means so much to see you being so kind to your younger self.
You really seem to be in a better place now, way happier, more yourself, I am so so happy for you, Alayna, and you inspire me, as I am coming out now as trans. Thanks for your sincerity and being so open about your personal process, it can be hard to come to terms with yourself and to come out to others and re build your life according to that. WELL DONE!!!
Of course this would drop when I’m experiencing another wave of questioning (((: Genuinely, though, I’m grateful for your choice to share what you’re going through. A lot of it does resonate. I’m still in a place where I can’t really parse whether I’m unhappy in my current situation because of external factors and things my (male) partner and I can work on, or because I’m Actually Gay But Dating A Man. I’m trying to be open to both, but I’m also in the position of having all this happen while I’m engaged, so it’s stressful. Lots of conversations to be had.
Alayna, thank you so much for helping us and clarifying so many things. I feel like I’m on the same road as you, because since last year, when I watched your article, until today, I’ve been in the same kind of situations as you. The difference is that I don’t know yet if i can call myself a lesbian so I’m using queer as my “label”. Compulsory heterosexuality is just so strong in some of us sometimes and it is so hard to detach yourself from something you thought you knew your whole life. I’m still in terms of get to know myself in that aspect but I’m so happy that I get to watch you to help me understand these kind of things. Ily and I send you a lot of hugs<3
One whole year already?? It doesn’t feel real! I remember perusal this article when it (and you haha) came out and just being so moved by it and to see how far you’ve come and even how far I’ve come…Since that article I’m now almost done with my first year of college! I’m out to my parents and extended family and I’m so happy to see you in a much happier place. Again I can’t believe it’s been a year and I’m just so grateful that we’ve got to be on this journey with you and that you’ve positively impacted so many lives. Just keep up the gentle chaos journey and live your dreams…you CAN be gay if you want to 🙂
Alayna, thank you so much for sharing your story and your feelings! perusal your article was like hearing another person say all of my deepest, most personal and intimate thoughts I had repressed for years out loud for the first time, and much more eloquent then I could have ever said them. You are such a gay inspiration for me – thank you! <3 ~Kris
I am 61, and just came out 20 years post divorce. I knew at that time of the divorce that I was gay, but I stuffed it away until I finished raising my kids. I am so thankful to the YouTubers like you who share their stories, and let me see that I am not alone in struggling to find my identity. I have never felt so free.
It’s so hard to figure things out in terms of attraction, especially under many layers of comp het and amatonormativity. It took me 19 years (~7 of which involved attraction) to realise that none of what I had experienced was romantic or sexual and that I’m definitely aroace. I’m so happy you have this part of your life figured out and can live truthfully!
Hey,@Alayna Joy, I started perusal your “I Tried articles” and loved the chaotic energy in those articles but your usual content on LGBTQ topics and awareness helped a few friends of mine who were struggling with their sexuality and I enjoyed your articles because I had come out a while back (I had always known that I was gay, just wanted to come out on my own terms ) but I wanted to thank you because I shared you’re coming out article a year ago to my cousin who I didn’t know was struggling but then after your article, she came out and really happy so thank you for sharing your feelings. You are amazing and beautiful.
I was subscribed to your website before you came out but never really watched your articles … last year, around the time you came out, I started getting into your website more and it’s been a pleasure perusal you find yourself and live such an authentic life ever since 🖤 Always love to see your content! Edit: Also, I really want that merch! Love both those shirts so much, ahhhhh
Have been thoroughly obsessed with your website and your journey for a little while now, and just a few weeks ago I finally admitted to myself and some loved ones that it’s because I am gay too 🙂 not bisexual as I thought, but just a plain old lesbian. Still not out to my family but I am out in other parts of my life and it feels amazing! Thank you for posting all this stuff and being so vulnerable. It looks incredibly hard but just know that it’s immensely appreciated and it made so many struggles easier for me! Congratulations on having made so many hard decisions that led you to be happier and thank you SO MUCH for doing it publicly. Can’t express enough how much it meant to me to watch along <3 all the best!
Thank you so much for sharing! I’ve been following along on your journey as I went through a very similar experience at the same time as you! Realized I was gay at 30, while engaged and with 2 kids. But separated and moved out almost a year ago and it was the best decision of my life! I’m now madly in love with the woman of my dreams! So thank you, thank you, thank you, because you helped give me courage to go after the life I really wanted instead of settling for the mold that society pushes on us ☺️💚💚
I’ve been subscribed for so long now that I remember when you were still living in Manitoba & hadn’t publicly come out as bi yet and I just wanna say that I’ve absolutely LOVED perusal your incredible life development into the amazing person that you’ve become today! You have come so far since I started perusal you make articles in your bedroom all those years ago & I’ve loved every minute of following your journey online ❤️❤️❤️
” You’re giving the world a gift, being who you truly are. ” Thank you Alana, I found you a year ago when you posted this. Your website has help me so much in growing more comfortable in myself. I am still working on it, but seeing you feeling lighter and happier gives me hope that once day i will also experience this. keep sharing, keep loving, we appreciate you. <3
I really can’t thank you enough for putting everything out there and being completely honest in your coming out. It helped me be honest with myself too. I found myself in the exact same position as you were in. I tried so hard to convince myself that I couldn’t be gay because I cared about my long-term male partner and he was just the exception, but I was just fooling myself. Now I’m living life as my authentic gay self and such a huge weight has been lifted. 💕
A year ago I watched that article and had a panic attack because everything you said was so similar to my own life and experiences, and I spent the rest of the year and part of this one questioning and questioning until I finally realized I was also just a huge lesbo! haha I thank you every day because sometimes I fear, had I not seen this article.. what my life would be right now.
You are just the cutest, Alayna! Your life went precisely the way that it was supposed to, to arrive at who you are now. All experiences, including the uncomfortable ones, have value because they have something to teach you. You’re doing great. I’ve always been attracted to “people”, not genders, and I’ve always thought it was beyond strange that that would be a problem for other people. Be you! You’re adorable, smart, funny, fabulous. So happy for you that you’re finding you!
I just had this article recommended to me and I feel that I connect with what you went through so much. I always felt that being into men was the default, and I had to do a lot of searching within myself to realize that there was a reason that my relationships with men always felt lacking. I ended up coming out around age 27 and breaking up with a long-term boyfriend. It hurt so bad to do that because I did care for him, I just knew that I had to be true to myself. Now I’m in a relationship with a woman and I couldn’t be happier! It’s never too late to explore your sexuality and who you are.
i remember years ago when i came out for the first time as bi and i was so confused, you were one of the first websites i found. it was just so encouraging to see someone talking openly about that sexuality that i shared. it was like a breath of fresh air and it meant a lot to 15 year old me. then, i came out again as a full fledged lesbian last january, and then a few months later i saw that article from you. and you were able to put into words feelings and experiences (especially surrounding comphet) that i thought i was so alone in and had never been able to put into words myself. so thank you for coming on and helping me with my own journey and showing me that i wasn’t alone. and i’m glad you’re now living as yourself!
for me, it is still difficult to accept the idea that i lost someone that i love. this thought still makes me feel incredibly sad today after several months. but perusal your articles helped me because i don’t feel alone in my experience. and with this article as well, i relate to some many (all?) things you said. oh girl, this article was so good for my mood!
Wow, I can’t believe it’s been a year. I balled at this article because your emotions were so raw (and also I was pregnant with my surrogate baby so hormones). Our stories are so similar, except of course, mine wasn’t online. I love the compassion you show for yourself while perusal past Alayna. That’s a level of self love I’m just learning this year at 28 years old. I’ve been out for 4 years and still haven’t been with a woman. I’m still positive now that I’m a lesbian (it took me a long time to start using the word lesbian even after I knew I was gay).
Oh, darling. I didn’t know I was trans until I was 42. “It’s just a fetish, I just like thinking of myself as a woman.” “It’s a fetish, I’m just a greedy creep who wants my wife to be attracted to women.” “I just don’t care about gender.” “I’m genderfluid!” Omg, the EXCUSES I made all my life! And how OBVIOUS it is in restrospect! You’re awesome, you’re super strong, and I am compersing the HELL out of your self-discover and coming out story! I feel stronger because I get to watch you!
Yeah, I’m not even sure what I am most of the time. Definitely helpful to watch these sorts of articles to get a better sense of what questioning people go through. Sometimes it feels a bit sad being 33 and still questioning. Most of my life just seems to be about not disappointing everyone too much more than I already do.
You’re not alone but you took a step toward your true self and for me you are so inspiring and I think you are amazing. You being gay has not changed you as a person before or after this article. I enjoyed perusal this article a lot and I just wish I could give you virtual hug, I watch your articles because you are honest to us and thank you for sharing this article and hope you’re happier now than 1year ago. Sending all my love fro Sydney Australia
Haven’t finished perusal this yet but so far, I feel SO much less alone so THANK YOU for being you and for sharing your journey. Because of your articles, I have such a better grasp on my sexuality and my preferences, and it’s helped me be able to understand myself and explain to my family what I’m feeling. You’ve got my forever support. 💜
That article 1 year ago was really hard for me to watch at the time, ecause you along with other gay/ bi youtubers made me ‘realise’ I was bi. But that article, along with the comphet article and some other things, really made me have to sit and rethink everything, and realise that I was actually gay too. And when i was in a straight relationship years ago it made me realise i liked women, and i had the same fears of being gay then as you did. So thank you for that article, and thank you for your continuous honest articles about being gay.
Your website popped up on my recommended today. I have watched 5 or 6 articles before this one. I love the articles. In regards to this article I didn’t come out until I was 32 and had 3 kids. I was on my 2nd marriage and struggling with my sexuality. Long story. Jump in time to today. My wife and I have been together 15 yrs and federally married for 8 yrs. When I came out at 32 I had the same realization that I could finally be gay. Best decision ever. Have you seen women 😍 Anyway keep making the articles. Your story and everyone’s story is important.
Aww, now you made ME cry :’) Pandemic (and your articles over the past year), have definitely made me realize how little attraction I feel towards men. I, like you, for many years just took it as a given that I was into men, while spending lots of time confirming whether I was into women. Which was never something I actually doubted, but it didn’t click in my head since it felt different from the feelings I had for men. (Yes, those feelings for men? They are called CLOSE PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP, Aurakin…)
Hey Alayna, I’m fairly new to your website but have been enjoying your content very much. I’m a 57 yr old lesbian in Boston, who always knew she was gay from childhood but grew up in an Italian/Catholic home & I knew that wasn’t gonna fly with my parents. I married a man, stay married for 16 yrs & had 4 kids then divorced & started living my true life. Everyone has to do this on their own timetable, when & how is never wrong. My youngest is gay, my oldest is bi & the middle 2 are heteros lol were very colorful! I would never try to reduce your fear or anxiety, I totally understand. I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you! I wish I had the balls to do this at your age but I was married with 2 kids already. I was stuck. So glad you’re embracing your lesbianism! Stay safe hun!
😭 I watched your article last year at the same time I was figuring my sexuality out as well. I was married to a man I wondering the same question, how can I love him, love the life I have built and be gay. Your article helped me so much, knowing I wasn’t alone. Fast-forward to now, and I feel the same lighter and free!
I appreciate you so much. You said that you just assumed people who are gay just know it. But here we all are trying to figure it out. And it’s so scary. What if you blow everything up and you’re wrong? So many things in this article and in the first ring true for me. Thank you for sharing and putting yourself out there. It’s nice to not feel so alone. It’s reassuring to see the possibilities and someone on the other side.
Hey Alayna. Congratulations on the first year of being out and proud. Don’t look back. Thank you for being yourself and your articles do help so many women and you keep on inspiring so many. It’s always okay to be emotional. It’s a sign of strength not weakness. Enjoy yourself and just breathe and don’t worry about anything. You are doing great. You are brave and incredibly inspiring and funny. May God bless you so abundantly. Kindest Regards from South Africa. 🏳️🌈🌸😎
I think we are also grateful that you shared this whole experience. I think I still don’t believe I can be gay if I want to, and I’m slowly getting there, in part thanks to you. I’m 28 and afraid it’s too late. perusal you is heart-warming and gives me hope and patience to explore where I’m at. Thank you
Alayna, I’m glad you were able to look back at you’re own coming out to the world. Not many people get to do that and reflect on it. The moment you truly come out is the moment you stop hiding from yourself. At that point you will realise it doesn’t matter what others think. If you want to be happy, you only need to be yourself, and smile to the world. Because you are a beautifull person.
the day before u posted that article, i came to the realization that i was gay and not bi. i was still trying to fully understand if this me was the real me, and after ur article came out and i watched it, i felt so much how u felt. everything that u said in that article and ur experiences were almost exactly how i was feeling and what i was experiencing. it was amazing seeing ur article. thank u so much sharing ur story bc it made my experience feel validated and it guided me in my own self discovery. thank u 🙂
Your articles have helped a lot. I have been questioning my sexuality for a few years but haven’t dated women so I didn’t think I could really consider myself a lesbian. But the more I thought about it and heard similar stories from other women the more glaringly obvious it became. Now when I think about the possibilities of dating women it is such an elating feeling. Thank you for sharing!
I appreciate your articles so much because I too went on a similar journey of being engaged to a man and realizing that I could love him as a person and still be a lesbian. Your article on the lesbian master doc helped me realize that I was in fact lesbian and not bisexual. But just had no idea what comp het was. I know I’m Much happier now and you definitely seem much happier too, being your authentic self🤍
You had such an integral role in my self-acceptance when I was a young bisexual teen, I would watch your articles religiously. I am so grateful to have “been apart of” and witness your own journey of self-acceptance and growth. I hope you are so proud of yourself. You have brought comfort and reassurance to more people than you know and I’m glad you’ve finally been able to bring yourself that 🧡
Wow already a year!! For me it’s three years after I realised that I’m queer and about two years after I broke up with my bf. I have a gf now, well not really but we are getting there, just have not talked about it properly xD I’m so happy for you. For me. For everyone who can finally be themselves!! And I love the merch!!
YouTube decided to randomly recommend to me the article you made in 2020, and it hit me in a way I wasn’t expecting. I ended up following it up by perusal this article, and I just wanted you to know both articles really touched me. While I’m not gay, I identify as asexual. Some of the things you said are exactly what I’ve said to myself about being ace. I just wanted you to know you made me cry and I’m so happy I got to watch this and I hope in a year I’m as happy as you are a year out from your journey.
Out of all the things I could say, I think the best thing I CAN say, is that, if you know it, or not, you have a phenomenal amount of courage! To live your life by being honest with yourself, is the “emotional content” that keeps me perusal. Anxiety is largely foreign to me, and I hope that over time, it becomes foreign to you as well. I’m glad you’re getting comfortable in your own skin. It’s a testament to “Carpe Veritas”.
I’m so glad for this generation that there are people like you willing to put this put there. I think there are more people put there in this position than will admit. Especially with all the romantic split attraction model stuff floating about. It makes it way too easy for alot of people to not address comphet.
Heckin A Im going through that right now ;-; . . . It hurts… and I don’t know how to do this. I don’t want to leave because I love him and I don’t want to hurt him, but I don’t want to stay because I know I’m gay and idk how else to put it with him. We’ve talked about it and I am still trying to see how I feel about staying. Ugh, taking my time with this is tearing me up inside. ;-; Thank you for sharing 💜
I came across your original coming out article (as gay) about 2 months ago and WOW did it change my life. I was engaged to a man who I loved very deeply but felt so confused for almost a year because I didn’t feel right and I was questioning my bisexuality. Your article gave me the courage to accept my sexuality and live my truth, so I came out as gay and I don’t regret it even a little bit. I immediately felt like a weight was lifted and i finally felt *right*, despite being so afraid and scared for the future (and I still am) So THANK YOU!
As much as my pan ass enjoyed your guidence under the bi umbrella, you recognizing and sharing your truth has been the best experience. There are so many people you have helped break through their compulsive heterosexuality, and have helped me solidify that I’m pan not gay by reading more on comp het and challenging my attraction to men. You’ve also given me so much more compassion for transitional bis who are still figuring it out in the process too