This guide provides a clear overview of the divorce process in Canada, helping individuals understand their rights and obligations. To file for divorce in Canada, you must meet certain criteria, such as being legally married under Canadian or another country’s laws, having a recognized marriage, and having a broken down marriage. In Ireland, you cannot get a divorce unless you live in the country for a year or marry each other.
James J. Sexton, a divorce lawyer, shares his insights and wisdom to help couples reverse-engineer a healthy, fulfilling romantic relationship. If children are part of the marriage, the guidelines change, with child support amount subtracted from income difference and multiplied by 30%.
To file for a divorce in Pennsylvania, there must be grounds to end the marriage, which means there must be a legal reason or justification for dissolving the union. Pennsylvania recognizes both fault and no fault.
In New Jersey, you must state a legal reason for ending your marriage when submitting court forms. This legal reason is the “grounds” for divorce, and New Jersey recognizes both fault and no fault.
In summary, divorce lawyers provide concrete advice on how to prevent and orevent divorce, focusing on issues such as money, children, sex, extended families, and more.
📹 A Divorce Attorney’s Thoughts On Love and Marriage-James Sexton
… Source and If You’re In My Office It’s Already Too Late:A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide To Staying Together are available on Amazon.
Is anyone happier after divorce?
Half of divorced women said they were happier after their divorce, and two-thirds said their lives were better since they got divorced. 61% found love again within a year. More than half of people felt happier two years after their divorce. Divorce can be hard, but it doesn’t have to mean you’re unhappy. Many people find joy after their divorce. More than half of those surveyed said they felt happier two years after their divorce. About half of divorced women said they were happier after their divorce, and two-thirds said they were more satisfied with their lives. 61% found love again within a year. These statistics show that divorce is hard, but there are still ways to grow and be happy. This blog post looks at how people do when they move from married to single life. It looks at things like mental health, money, self-esteem, control, new relationships, and feelings about leaving your spouse. Over half of people said they felt happier two years after their divorce. This shows that many people are happy after divorce. Many people find joy and contentment after divorce. This shows the human spirit can survive divorce. It gives hope to those going through it. About 61% find love again within a year after the divorce. Divorce doesn’t have to mean unhappiness. It shows that love can be found again after a difficult experience. This shows there is hope for a better future after divorce.
Does being divorced affect anything?
Divorce affects everyone involved, both the people getting divorced and their children. After a divorce, couples often feel less happy, have less money, and have more problems. Children can have problems at school, with their behaviour and with their emotions. Children with divorced parents are more likely to act out than those with non-divorced parents. A study by Judith Wallerstein found that children of divorced parents are more likely to have behavioral issues than children of married parents. Linda Waite found that divorced people were no happier than married people who stayed together. One study also found that people recover more easily from the death of a parent than from a divorce. This study found that children who lose a parent usually regain their previous happiness, but children of divorced parents often don’t.
What are the 5 stages of divorce?
Conclusion: Divorce is challenging. Divorce is hard on the mind and heart. Knowing the five stages of divorce—shock and denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—can help people understand their own emotional journey. Divorce is a big change that can make people feel lots of different ways. Divorce is a big change that can make you feel sad and confused. It’s important to understand and deal with these feelings.
By understanding the five stages of divorce, we can see how people change and heal. This study looks at how people feel during divorce. It helps people who are going through this difficult time. Divorce often involves a sense of loss, like losing a loved one. Divorce means the end of a relationship. While your former spouse is still around, you grieve for the loss of your relationship. This grieving process includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
Which couple has the highest risk of divorce?
Third marriages have the highest divorce rate. In fact, 67% of second marriages end and 73% of third marriages are dissolved.
What does it mean to be conflicted out?
A more detailed explanation: Conflict out means disqualifying a lawyer or judge from a case because of a conflict of interest. If a judge had represented one of the parties in a case, they would be unable to continue. The judge was removed from the case because he had previously represented one of the litigants.
Example 2: The lawyer was out of the case because he knew one of the parties.
Which couples face the highest risk of divorce?
People who marry young, have less education, or whose parents divorced are more likely to divorce. They are more stressed and emotional. … Having been married before. Couples still face a high risk of divorce today. Even if the risk drops to 40 percent, that’s a lot of divorces. You are not a statistic. You can make your marriage last. This piece is for those who want to get married in the future. In a future piece, I’ll focus on married people who are concerned about divorce. I will first share some reasons why you might be at higher risk of divorce and then suggest ways to reduce that risk. In my last piece, I talked about the difficulties in understanding divorce risk. No matter what, there is a big chance of divorce in marriage. While there are arguments about the average risk, there is less disagreement about the relative risks. Some people are more likely to get divorced than others. This isn’t a complete list, but it covers the main points.
Who suffers the most in a divorce?
Men are more affected by divorce than women. It is more traumatic for them and takes a bigger emotional and physical toll. Women file for divorce more often than men. When it’s a shock, it affects how men handle divorce.
How to go through divorce?
It’s OK to have different feelings when you’re separated or divorced. … Take a break. … Don’t go through this alone. … Take care of yourself. … Don’t argue with your spouse or ex. Explore your interests. … Think positively. Going through a separation or divorce is hard, no matter why. It can make your life difficult. There are things you can do to get through this. It’s OK to have different feelings. It’s normal to feel sad, angry, tired, frustrated, and confused. These feelings can be intense. You may also feel anxious about the future. Reactions like these will get better over time. Even if the marriage was unhealthy, the unknown is scary. Take a break. Give yourself permission to feel and function less than optimally for a while. You may not be as productive at work or as good at caring for others for a while. Everyone needs time to heal.
How to prevent divorce before marriage?
Ask questions before you get married. Ask all the right questions before you get married. Know yourself. Know yourself and what you want in a partner. … Be willing to compromise. You have to compromise in any relationship. Orlando, FL; East Orlando, FL; Winter Park, FL; Clermont, FL; Lake Mary, FL; Boca Raton, FL; Dallas, TX; Career Coaching; Image Coaching; Premarital Counseling; Sports Coaching; Corporate or Business; Seminar Testimonials; Jim West, MA, LMHC, NCC; Dana West, MSW, LCSW; Dr. Jada Jackson, Ed.D., LMHC, NCC, LPC-S; Matthew Martin, MS, LMHC; Lyris Steuber, MS, LMFT; Valerie Ware, Psy.S., Psychologist; Gemima McMahon, MA, LMHC; Brandon Feinberg, MS, LMHC; Dawn Helwig, MA, M.Ed. RMHCI: David Duany, Pedro Michael Valdez IV, Kendra Collie, Heidy Castaneda, Reniqua Fells.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Sometimes, one spouse leaves the other suddenly. The other spouse is shocked. This is called “walkaway wife syndrome.” This term is used for when a spouse, often the wife, feels alone, neglected, and resentful in a bad marriage and decides to leave. What is walkaway wife syndrome? The term “walkaway wife syndrome” suggests a sudden decision, but it often comes after a long period of conflict. The divorce takes years to happen. After trying to get her spouse to deal with their relationship issues, the wife finally decides it’s pointless. She has thought about her options and is ready to leave the marriage.
What emotion is conflicted?
A state of distress caused by intense emotions that don’t go together, like love and hate or success and fear.
Why do I withdraw after conflict?
Conflict can be scary. When we sense conflict coming on, we can feel transported back to another time when conflict didnt go well. This can make us shut down and withdraw. Our Atlanta couples therapists are familiar with this. Conflict in relationships can make us feel like we have to fight or run away because it feels like so much is at stake. You might not want to upset your partner. If that’s the case, that’s understandable. But that means you don’t get your needs met.
Conflict can be good and healthy. This Atlanta therapist wants to share some helpful insights.
📹 Divorce Lawyers Give Relationship Advice | Glamour
It’s estimated that about half of marriages end in divorce. Why are so many people getting divorced, and how can you prevent …
Just Wow, I’m 34 and have never been married and never plan to be. I have gone so many years of my life letting society make me feel like the outcast for not wanting this and I truly believed in my heart of hearts that theres definitely something wrong with me. This interview has completely healed me and I will continue to look for love in life but I’ll walk through my life with so much more respect and confidence in who I am because of my choices. Thank you for this interview.
I don’t know when was the last time I saw such a vibrant and energetic combination of teaching, consulting, coaching and stand-up comedy. Thanks Mark for this one. This man got me back on my feet after so many sex offenders and victims, addicts, prostitutes and all the other poor and broken people I met through your articles. A necessary counterbalance. Excellent!
At 21 years of marriage, my wife inherited a substantial amount of money and within a month left me for a guy she met at the gym. We avoided a divorce attorney because I wanted to spare our children a nasty divorce. She was at least reasonable in the divorce, mostly because she knew she was stabbing me in the back. Being tossed aside like that was the most painful experience of my life. To this day, if something reminds me of that time, I feel it all over again. I’ve moved past my ex, but the pain is there, always waiting to pop its ugly head out.
This is one of the best episodes produced! Highly insightful from many perspectives. The irony of it is that he gave the literal solutions for a successful marriage: 1) Don’t compare. 2) Don’t be selfish. 3) Feed the marriage. 4) Keep holding hands 5) Become the best version of yourself. A successful marriage isn’t winning the lottery. It’s a mutual willingness to do the work necessary to create happiness.
Omg I’m just now seeing this for the first time. I’m cracking up 15 seconds in! 😂 This guy is so interesting! I saw the list of articles and noticed 2 other interviews with people sharing their thoughts on love and marriage. I went straight for this one. I’m looking forward to hearing those too, but I definitely want to hear from a divorce attorney first. Thank you so much for conducting this interview, Mark!
My mother was married and divorced four times before I was 25. I saw what it does to people up close and personal. Before I got married I sat down with future spouse and created a prenup, and 10.5 years later when we decided to call it quits we sat down and split everything just like Jim said, yours, mine and ours. We never fought over anything and 23 years later we’re still friends. I 100% agree with Jim’s take on marriage. Another outstanding interview Mark!!
My wife and I have the kind of “truly happy marriage” that James talks about at the end, and its eerie how well he described the factors that contribute to a happy marriage. Especially in regard to “talking ahead of time about how you fight” and being grateful with what you have by looking at the way things “could be”, otherwise. I think a happy marriage is much more possibly than we realize, but we put absolutely 0 effort educating ourselves in how to be successful beyond just “fall in love with someone,” which is terrible advice if you want to have a happy marriage.
Was sent this after I got dumped by the woman I was “supposed to marry”. During “the talk” my most recent tab on my browser was how to discretely size out a ring. This perspective really helped soothe the burn. Found out last night there was someone else towards the end. This guy really reframed what I thought I wanted with someone.
To me this was by far the best SWU interview I’ve seen. This guy is incredibly wise. It also reminds me how rare my parents were. My parents first met when they were 12 years old, started dating when they were 14, got legally married when they were 16, & stayed married until my Mom died at the age of 82 (3 years ago). My dad was so devastated and lost when my Mom died, he only lived another 7 months.
If this guy comes out with a book, im buying it. This was the MOST IMPORTANT, educating, knowledgable information i have ever read/heard/watched in my life.. this article has probably 300 real-life quotes that you wont get any-effin-where… this guy is talking about marriage-love-relationship-man/woman as on point as the law of gravity is defined..
36:45 – “How are you going to be married to someone, have children with someone, and you can’t talk about hard things such as a prenup? How are you going to navigate life together and not be able to talk about hard things? If you can’t then don’t get married”. So very true. Hit the nail on the head.
My husband was very wealthy and I was not before we got married I insisted on a prenup so that he would know I was marrying him because I love and admire him not for his riches. It actually made him feel uncomfortable to discuss and go to a lawyer to draw the prenup. It made me feel good because I knew he wouldn’t be second-guessing my reasons for marrying him. We’re still together over 20 years later and we seem pretty darn happy❤
Lawyer here, 30 years. Lot’s of great stories doing disability work. Divorced twice. A lot of money paid for some advice I’m going to give for free. Safety + openness = intimacy. Marriages that work, work because the couple maintains their ability to feel safe and open with each other. Like James said, it starts to leak over time like a slow drip, and then it drops off a cliff. At that point, it’s game over except for a very rare few.
Fascinating interview Mark and James! Excellent topic. Interesting, informative, and great delivery! I agree with James on his idea of society beginning to go back to traditional values. I have been seeing this change for the past few years and am interested in seeing where it goes. I also am interested in knowing what significance James’s cross tattoo has… Thanks Mark! This was fantastic!
The story of the hottie who marries the older man with a $500 million hedge fund is so accurate and true. Beautiful women have a very different life than those of us who are “invisible women.” During my dating years, I heard so many stories from men who were full of anger and acrimony because their ex-wife “did them wrong.” When I asked them, “What attracted you to her in the first place?” Their answer was always the same: “She was so beautiful and so hot!”
I skipped out on perusal this interview until today, because I thought he would be cynical to the core. But after listening to him, it is clear he is not the least bit cynical – but rather he is realistic, sensible, honest and entertaining. It’s quite uplifting – for a divorce attorney! This is probably one of the most important interviews for people in general, because marriage is the most important contract one will ever enter into.
The thing that saddened me the most was the granola story. Just small, thoughtful and romantic gestures that suddenly stop is the most hurtful. I was picturing her opening up the cabinet door and not seeing a new bag and eventually realizing it was never coming and the disappointment she had to feel.
Great interview and good advice. Iam with my partner since 19 years, we are not married. Lots of ups and downs and got through it. Its interesting to see people reacting to us, not being married at our age (me 64, he 78). Often we got that look ???? Our relationship got stronger with age, which is a blessing. Both of us have had multiple partners before and learned a lot from our previous relationships.
I really think there should be more interviews with professionals with jobs that get them thinking about deeper issues like this gentleman. People who get a unique look into humanity and psychology. Could range from doctors, lawyers, to backpackers and photographers. People who interact with other people in the perspective that their day to day life provides. This guy is a solid listen, best one in awhile. Thank you for your hard work 🤙
A WhatsApp group I belong, shared this article and I saw the timeline, one hour! There was no way I was gonna watch this for that long but decided to play it anyways with the thought that I’d get bored in no time…😂TBH, I was captivated from the first line, till the very last, every line was epic, never was there a boring moment. You sir, are good in your chosen field and have done a great deal of research on this subject matter. Thank you for this.
Jim provided a lot of insight & I’m reflecting on my marriage. I’m glad my spouse & I had conversations about finances, how we should fight/argue (no name calling, allowing each other space to absorb our feelings, etc.), how we should raise our children (discipline, rewards, schooling, etc.), having date nights (planned & spontaneous), intimacy, planning vacations (with our child & other times just ourselves), talk about our “deal breakers” (gambling, substance/alcohol abuse, cheating, etc.), and many others. We’ve been together for almost 20 years & I still cannot see myself with any1 else (yes, we still hold hands). I hope I never see a divorce attorney’s office.
Experienced divorce lawyer here (Pennsylvania and New Jersey). Great article! Many divorce clients have not slept with their spouse for many years, sometimes decades. In my opinion, there are two big drivers in divorce: a) micro aggressions / disrespect / contempt that take place in the relationship and b) inability or unwillingness to communicate needs and desires in the relationship. Too many relationships and marriages are “transactional”, which is a recipe for disaster.
Prompted by James’ advice about the little things – I just wrote a message to my husband about how much I appreciate how hard he works for us on a stickie note and put it in his wallet so he sees it in the morning. I do appreciate him and should tell him more rather than assume he knows. Thank you for the reminder.
My husband and I have been together since middle school and we’re 51 & 52. But, we lived together for 20 yrs before getting married. Both our families we’re CONSTANTLY pressuring us to get hitched the whole time, but we told them that we were perfectly happy with things the way they were. And actually, we only got married because we woke up one morning, he rolled over and said “Hey, let’s get married today.” 😂
As someone who’s unmarried by choice, I loved this interview. I just wished more people understood what marriage is and the difference between marriage, partnership, commitment and love. He mentioned all the reasons why I chose to stay single. Both my parents married and divorced 3 times each, grand and great grandparents married and divorced 2-3 times each. I decided not to ride the marriage merry go round.
36:49 “if you can’t talk about hard things don’t get f*ckin married” ❤ Thank you for this, very informative to hear the ways in which couples interact to bring on the ruin of their own relationships, and—spoiler alert—it’s not just because amore forgot the granola. I’d love to have a conversation with this man, he’s so insightful.
Very insightful. We got married 7 years in, coming up 10 years together in September. Marriage was never important to me and felt like a piece of paper. And then he asked me and I felt differently all of a sudden and wanted to make it official. This whole conversation makes me so grateful for my husband. If we were to ever part, all I would ask of him is to be happy and I know he would want nothing but that for me. Excuse me while I go give him the biggest hug just because.
I agree with him about talk before the contract. I was a Catholic when I married my late husband and the Church made us take classes (about sex, children, in-laws, money, etc..). It was tough, a few couples broke up during the classes. It was eye opening and not romantic but it was the best thing we did.
Really interesting conversation. I was head over heels in love with this girl once and we were straight up heading towards marriage. I was blissfully unaware she was cheating on me at the time. My brother said “If you’re going to get married get a prenup. You don’t get in a car expecting to get in a crash but you still by insurance. That’s what a prenup is.” I made perfect sense to me. I thought this woman would be like “Oh yeah fine, no problem” OMG how wrong I was. Not only did she get pissed off at me, she played the victim role like “OMG what did I ever do to you to deserve such distrust?” and “Why do we need a prenup? Why don’t you love and trust me?” and on and on and on. It was maybe 6 months later that we broke up and she was totally cheating on me and ended up getting married to the other dude about 6 months after that. Holy cow – I’ve never felt so grateful in my life……I could have easily ruined it all.
11:30 My parents had a very ugly divorce when I was very young, I grew up with persistent hate. My mom turned to drugs and turned very old very fast. Then a quarter century later a family friend gave me a article that she took of my parents before they married – young, pretty, happy, on vacation, being in love, flirting, chasing each other, not a worry in the world. It was so surreal. I think the key to a successful marriage is constant checkpoints and adjustments, communication. Kind of like how you drive a car, you constantly make little adjustments to stay on the road, look ahead and around you for dangers, and respond/correct proactively.
My favorite interview on this website. The clever analogies; the perfect balance between cynical, realistic, and open-minded; the humorous quips. As someone who has felt like marriage might not be for me, it was extremely validating to hear someone articulate exactly how I feel. I could listen to this man talk for hours.
Fascinating psychological stuff. I’m 70, most of my married friends aren’t in love like his example, but they’re comfortable with their partners. It’s just a quiet enduring love of we being through so much crap but here we are and will be until their end of days. The passion of first being in love doesn’t endure, but their character does
This guy is an absolutely phenomenal speaker, I could listen to him all day. It’s like every other sentence is a ‘one-liner’, something that should be put in a book of quotes or added to a comic’s stand-up comedy routine. He’s a treasure trove of wisdom. And…..he’s just changed my outlook on marriage.
This has been one of my favourite episodes of Soft White Underbelly. James so eloquently spoke about love and marriage and I couldn’t have said it better myself. He literally took my ADHD brain and transcribed how I feel about marriage. The majority of the world really believes that marriage is the ultimate testament of love and devotion, THE end game, but I don’t think that’s the case, at least for me. I’ve been and still am in a position where I really don’t believe that my boyfriend and I getting married will change anything for us as individuals and our relationship. Why is marriage a construct of love? I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years, does not being married undervalue our relationship and feelings toward each other? No, absolutely not. Yes, marriage means different things in different cultures and in both my boyfriend’s and I’s culture, it is believed in an ideal world marriage is the key to a fruitful and everlasting relationship. Me getting married would only satisfy and make the people around me happy, I would feel indifferent.
Society is not ready to realistically have these conversations because some people appreciate the illusion that comes with unrealistic societal standards, which we’re created by individuals who’s shoes could fit at the time! Thank you for this article! I loved and appreciated all details brought to light 👌🏾👌🏾
My wife and I have been married for 53 years. Here’s what I attribute that to: divine intervention or extreme good luck. We change. I’m 73 now – not the same person I was at 20. My wife at 71 is not the same person she was at 19. Either way we tolerated the changes or flowed with them in a way that allowed us to stay together. Another thing, my wife knew and and honored the term COMMITMENT. I finally learned it as well. A commitment to stay in the room isn’t made with your hand on the door knob. We’re HAPPILY married because one or both of us, at different times, were willing to face the rough seas in order to reach the peaceful shore – which is now in sight.
I’ve been married 28 years. When you first meet, date, get engaged, etc. it’s all new and you overlook MANY red flags that won’t work for you. You love them, they’re just stressed, they’ll change, they’ll be mad if I ask them that question, are all the excuses you tell yourself so you don’t have to have the hard discussions. First, if you cannot have an adult discussion with this person, DO NOT get married. One of you has trauma or a personality disorder from your childhood. If you stick your head under the rug when you are asked to discuss your relationship, then you cannot communicate like an adult. Second, ask each other their thoughts about having kids, how they will want to raise kids, expectations of being faithful, will they respect you when you get jealous of something they’re doing that hurts you and will they have a problem changing for you? If ANY of those questions create strife or answers you don’t like, don’t do it. All these small, mundane issues become PARAMOUNT when you’re married and the resentment builds when your spouse is out talking to the good looking neighbor and flirting with them and won’t stop. Be careful. Marriage is a WONDERFUL thing, if both of you stay faithful, show respect, know how to show intimacy, etc. Take care of each other and if you can’t put that person before your needs, then don’t because you don’t really love them. I get more pleasure from doing things to make my wife happy, than I do riding my motorcycle. That’s love. Now, don’t take that as you have to give up your hobbies and serve 24/7, no but both of you should want to serve the other and be happy and loving about it.
The part about knowing one happy couple out of thousands hit hard. I personally know of one couple where I would give up everything I own and set myself on fire to have what they have but most couples I know are trapped in a prison of parenting, financial obligations, and prolonged silent resentment.
As someone about to celebrate over 40 years of marriage, I loved this! The advice and observations are solid. Personally, I think that marriage should be a renewable contract. Every ten years or so, both parties have to agree to continue or separate. All negotiations about property, children, etc, in the prenup. Changes can be negotiated at renewal.
1:40 « Is female attractiveness the most valued commodity ? » 3:25 « Marriage was invented in 2000 BC and getting married made sense then » 4:47 « What happened in the marriage ? Delegation of responsability » 7:20 « Presumption of marriage and Burden Probability and Loss » 9:25 « Do you still believe in love ? » 10:20 « When you fall in love, is this hard to put the break on and say ” That is as far as I’m gonna go” ? » 14:00 « What do you think the secret is to keeping a marriage alive ? » 22:02 « Do you think when you’re happy with yourself, it is easier to be happy with your partner ? » 24:00 « Do you believe in marriage ? » 25:25 « Marriage was designed when women died in childbirth and men in their 40-50. » 27:50 « So you’re a fan of prenups ? » (Prenuptial agreement) 41:15 « Do you think, appart from social media, there is something in our society that made marriage more difficult ? » 50:30 « The double standards when it comes to age and having girlfriends » 57:56 « How many marriages are genuinely happy ? »
This makes relationships terrifying in general in this day and age even without a marriage. My best friend just returned from a month long vacation and her boyfriend of 7 years told her he was happier while she was gone and broke up with her and now she’s moving back home. It feels like people endlessly just would rather look for “new” or “better” instead of fixing what they have, even if what they have may be beautiful but just needing work
I agree with him on all counts. A prenup is essential. I had an Uncle that was an attorney. He was very wealthy. His son, the only heir was getting married. His dad made her sign a prenup, if she refused or the son objected he would be cut out of the will. Smart Uncle he was. He was still alive and doing well when the son got divorced. I had not thought of marriage the way he describes it.
Fellow divorce lawyer here from Southern California. Love this episode and definitely relate. One caveat is that prenups protect you. Not always. In lots of my cases (in high net worth divorces), fighting over a prenup can generate more litigation than the support and property issues. Anyone contemplating getting married should listen to this article.
This interview is a gem. This lawyers insights are amazing and the way he presents it. I have been married for 20 years and I agree – we expect our “pair mate” to be the all in one package and that is unrealistic. He makes a good point. Do look at your wedding albums and don’t wait till your marriage goes off a cliff. I’m a romantic at heart. I do love my wife deeply but it takes good effort and commitment to keep it going. Peace
This may be one of the most honest, insightful, and thoughtful discussions of marriage and relationships I’ve ever heard. I’m in my 70s, been married and divorced three times, and wish I’d heard this talk many years ago. This should be required listening before any marriage. Marriages can be great, but it takes the right people approaching it the right way with their eyes wide open. And it’s going to be so tough at times. Great job!
This Is the BEST article interview you have ever done. I’ll soon be 35 & always petrified to get married because I didn’t want to end up like everyone I witnessed growing up- this just solidified my views that love is completely separate of marriage – love is a choice- marriage is a business contract. No need to complicate it or spend a shit ton of money on a wedding.
Having the hard conversations with your partner early in the relationship can save you a lot of headaches later and help you assess your compatibility. It can save you a lot of time and weed out the people who aren’t compatible with you. Most of us avoid it because it’s unromantic, for fear of causing conflict and undermining the marriage/relationship, but the more we avoid it, the more uncomfortable it becomes. If you had sex before you checked compatibility, it’s too late to leave someone who’s not right for you because oxytocin made you already attached.
Man I can identify with this guy. I’m on my second marriage now 37 years and can say with some certainty that the only woman I find attractive is my 76 year old wife. She’s beautiful in my eyes and knows my features and flaws.We can speak without saying a word and meet each others needs. Losing that strong sex drive is like a load of my shoulders ( and other anatomical parts). I look forward to the next 30 years with her, Again thanks for your perspective
In 1992 my gay male BFF and I nearly married, for ease of inheritance purposes. I was a single, new mother; he thought he’d die young (HIV+) and then at least my daughter would get his SS survivor benefits. We gathered the family in Vegas and everything, then chickened out! We all had a great time anyway. I was married from 1995-2008. I was older, and the breadwinner. I lost my big-ass corporate job in 2006 and the marriage and house followed. I took all the debt. He remarried in 2014. I never did and likely never will. I am literally apathetic toward the ex’s existence and have maybe spoken to him twice since 2012 or so. In 2016 I moved in with my BFF, in part to help him take care of his elderly parents, who were like my own. Unfortunately, I came home from work one day in January 2017 and found him dead of a heart attack. My grief knows no bounds. His father said to me one day, “My heart is broken for you, finding David like that. I’m so sorry. It’s like being widowed.” And he was right. I got over losing my marriage; I’ll never get over losing my BFF.
Thank you for sharing. It was a great interview. I have been with my husband for almost 30 years. We won the lottery! We are the couple who wants to hold hands and are still obsessed with each other almost 30 years later. I was a stay at home mom for 20 years, and my husband worked from home 16 years of that. He’s now retired. It’s been great for our marriage. And surprisingly, he and I have nothing in common. We don’t like the same music, food, movies, hobbies, etc. But we have commonality on the foundation for which we live our lives, how we treat people and each other, how we raise our 3 sons. We give each other space to do the things that bring us joy. My husband loves golf. I love traveling and personal development. It’s been an amazing 29 years. We both come from families where our parents and grandparents were married for 50+ years. It’s always been important to us to give ourselves and our children stability. It is possible to have a lasting marriage.
I’ve been so blessed. Married at 23 for 21 years and had two kids, and would still be if my wife didn’t pass from cancer. To then meet another wonderful woman. I have been married for 16 years, and we had prenups drafted before marriage based on my lawyer’s strong recommendation. It was a difficult discussion, but we both agreed it was wise. In both cases, we lived together for some time before getting married. Intelligence and ‘mental stability’ are vital and support each other as you mature and develop new interests.
I was married for 5 years, she divorced me, we have a son together… Divorce crippled, deeply saddened and corroded my life to the point where love almost fleed me. But I still believe in Love. BUT GOD BLESS THIS MAN! every man should listen to this before marrying the woman he declares he loves. Do it! Watch it!
I remember a man told me that in a marriage, a man wants to be feel appreciated, and a woman wants to feel adored. That stayed with me. There are too many people involved in each marriage a million times over in the world. Inviting the opinions of others or comparing your marriage to others is opening a door to your marriage that should remain shut. Social media has turned that into a dumpster fire. We’re not meant to have a front seat to millions of people’s lives.
I honestly can’t recall a time I WATCHED (not just listened) to a long form interview & was entirely captivated & mentally engaged throughout. This is an extremely Human & sincere piece of media. I want people to have happy lives & I earnestly think this is a good meditation to have if 2 people are considering marriage.. not to “talk them out of it”, I think marriage can be beautiful & I want people to win at it.. but this chat made me feel like I understand the decision more. I think understanding what we are deciding when we decide things, is everything. Thanks for this. Also.. I’m sure tons of people are already saying this.. but I want this man to do standup comedy & online spiritual guru shit lol. He’s tremendous at truth-speaking.
This guy was so entertaining! It made me appreciate my wife and my marriage (44 years) even more than I did going into his presentation. His insights were well worth the time I spent perusal, and I would recommended any potential bride and groom investing in a “reality check” with him before saying, “I do!”
I’ve been with my husband for 30 years. Married for 23. It helps if you marry your partner to be friends and like that person. Me and the hubby have been through things but we are each other’s best friend. Marriage is work and will not solve all your problems in life. If anything, marriage will expose your issues and test your commitment to each other.
As someone currently going through an amicable divorce, this article was truly something I needed to hear. It was part therapy, hearing him describe how you should be treating your partner, being their fan, doing the little things not expecting something or recognition in return. I got married too young, and now I truly believe marriage needs to become an exception and not an expectation. You can love and live with someone without being married. All couples considering marriage could learn a ton from this article, maybe it should go with the tiny pamphlet 🤣 EDIT: Seeing some of these replies, the bottom line for divorce should ALWAYS be this: If you and your partner are looking ahead and see a “meh” level of romance/interest/enjoyment, and you don’t have kids or other large commitments, make your decisions and ignore the peanut gallery. They don’t have any right to say what is best for you, let them have their opinions. No one will understand your situation better than you and your partner.
My x told me in the beginning that she would never take her daughter from me. It’s a long story but I was in her life more then her father and we separated them she changed her mind. I really loved this little girl, we took road trips, blasted music had a blast. Prenups are absolutely necessary. We went married because in the beginning I brought it up because of our situation in the end. If I had I would at least have her in my life and her daughter wouldn’t have to suffer. She misses me and I miss her as well.
WOW! I could not turn this off and had to watch until the end. He was so real and honest. Said things that absolutely NEEDED to be said. I really think he should moonlight as a marriage counselor as well lol. Many people, including myself, had to hear this before getting married, while they’re married, and then one more time if they get a divorce. Thank you so much for sharing this incredible interview! Now I’m off to binge watch every article I can find with this guy 😆 I could listen to him talk all day!
To sum up what they said. Dont marry the person you think your partner will one day become, but marry the person they are right now. Too many people fall in love with a fictional version of their partner and that is why they get surprised and hurt when that person never materializes. You are not training a dog, you are spending your life with an individual and if you want to change that individual in significant ways, then it means you dont really respect them and your marriage is doomed.
I married someone I wanted growing up. Someone who has a plan, is supportive and loving, pushes me to be better, treats his parents and friends with respect as well as not friends with shady people, a GOOD Father, there is more. Also, I realized if I wanted that I needed to be that so I worked on myself. He’s more than I asked for and appreciate him Soo much I also realized I’m glad he is someone who is willing to sit down and talk about serious things and how we as a couple can resolve it.
My parents have been together 35 years since they were 22; They grew up in the 70’s. Observing them I realize that you have to accept and love the other person. I observed that they forgave easily, spoke honestly, and often diffused tension with humor. Both were willing to lose some (even if they were right), because at the end of the day they love each other, and no petty thing topped that sentiment. Lastly, the respect they show each other is probably the most striking thing about their relationship. Growing up my parents got mad and had disagreements like anyone, but I never once saw them yelling at each other or mistreating each other in any way. They grumbled, they stewed, they needed time alone, but somehow 35 years later, there they are: still holding hands when they walk down the street together.
I blame Disney. All of these early princess cartoons teaching girls to find their perfect prince charming, which is usually the same generic person through every movie (how many times have we heard “Ugh, all guys are the same”., “You’re so much like my ex”., “I just wish I could find someone different”). The problem is they keep going for the same type of dude and yet wonder why they constantly are getting heart broken. That’s early programming. Also notice how most Disney princess movies end with the wedding and happily ever after. Even after knowing the prince for a short amount of time. I guarantee that if they had sequels, it’d be a whole different story
What stuck out to me the most in this article was the last line, “Be your spouse’s cheerleader”. I paid for my spouse to go to graduate school when we were engaged. I didn’t have to. After all, our finances were still completely separate. But I wanted her to succeed and better herself. Not because I wanted her to get a better job when we were married, but because I wanted her to be happy doing what she would do with her life. That was a huge reassurance to myself that I was with the right person. 7 years and 3 kids later, we’re stronger than ever. I know there’s lots of time for me to screw this up, but I like my odds.
This is great article. I got married last year after being together for 11 years, 8 years living together and 3 years engaged. I must admit that I am proud of myself and my husband that we spent 3 months before we got married on making sure that we look in the same direction in life like finances, children, career and so on. We trusted our photographer, DJ, venue manager etc. that everything is going to be fine on our wedding day, so I didn’t quite focus much on wedding details.
My dad is on his second marriage and my mom is on her third. My grandparents are also divorced. I don’t think I’ll ever get married but my current boyfriend if 6 years and are living are own lives while supporting each other and I’m happy to continue doing that as long as we both want to. The only thing we want involves healthcare and being able to make decisions for each other if the other is unable to.
Go into the marriage in the knowledge that the feelings will go away, and make sure they know that too. You’re going to annoy each other with your stupid habits and eccentricities, too. Some days you won’t be able to stand each other, and thats okay. You have these days with your friends and family, yet they remain your friends and family. What it truly is about is finding someone who is striving toward the same goal, and this long term vision will wipe away a lot of small differences. If you base a relationship on something that started quickly (passion, etc), you may find that it ends quickly and the relationship has no ground to stand on. If you base it on something enduring, though, it has an enduring foundation.
I have been married for almost 5 years and have been with my husband for almost 11 years. I feel it is important to be respectful and during a fight you should always try to see and understand the other persons point of view and not just focus on why you think you are right. Compromise, respect and good communication are the most important things in a good relationship in my opinion. Spending time together and doing small things that are fun is another thing. A lot of my friends are unhappy and say their daily life is boring and they are bored of their relationship. Me and my husband and our son we make small trips to the park or the mountains, we watch something together, play in the pattio or cook together.. everything that is fun. It is important to live your life together instead of apart.. just my 2 cents 😉 Btw i am a chef and my husband travels for a living😄 and it works
I feel like marriage is like a tattoo, it used to be a life long commitment, but now we have multiple procedures available for tattoo removal, so people think they can just do that if they get tired of it, same with divorce. The thing is though, it’s going to be time consuming, expensive and painful lol and may forever leave a mark Edit: To be clear, I’m not against marriage nor divorce, what I’m saying is don’t jump the gun in getting married thinking divorce is something to take lightly
I LOVE this article. So many people just think about marriage in terms of love, but really it’s a legally binding contract. That is to say, you can be in love and commit to someone for life without legal obligations, responsibilities, and getting the government involved. It’s really refreshing to see people talk about marriage as it truly is. It’s wild to me that we still enter into huge legally binding contracts based on our emotions.
I know how there is an emphasis on financial differences, but what about another issue touched upon in the article: not knowing your partner. Like, holy moly my parents were an arranged set up through my grandparents who were church acquaintances, and my parents got divorced when I was three and hate each other to this day. They divorced twenty years ago… divorce is so unpleasant man really really think about who is going to be the mother/father of your kids if you want kids. Like yikes.
I think you should add one more “don’t pretend to be a different person than you really are; and notice if that person is really who they say they are or they’re just trying to make you like them” There’s a lot of people pretending to be someone else just to be with the person they want, and that’s not going to last forever. If you say you want kids and you don’t, don’t lie, if you say you love animals and in reality you couldn’t care less, don’t lie (that sort of things). You’re going to be miserable and you’re going to make the other person miserable as well. I’m a divorce lawyer too.
It’s definitely important to point out that you’re also not going to find the “Perfect” person. My parents have been married for almost 34 years and they are quite opposite of each other. One is more extroverted the other is more introverted. They have no desire in changing the other, they are happy as they are as individuals and as a couple. I wouldn’t rule out marriage because the other person isn’t exactly what you’re looking for. And wouldn’t rule it out based on numbers either. It’s all situational. As long as morals, values, goals and a fair amount of interests align with clear communication, I foresee success in the future. Commitment needs to be at the same level too obviously, but important to note.
I don’t really know how to explain it but I was with my husband for about… 7 years before getting married. Before we got married I FELT married to him. It’s like we had entered this spiritual contract with each other before we entered a legal one. I think that’s how a person knows it’s time. That experience has also led me to believe that people can also have spiritual divorces if that makes sense. Like just because you’re still married, living together, have kids and kiss each other goodnight doesn’t mean you’re not divorced. You just haven’t made it legal yet is all. We’ve now been married for five years and together for 11. I still get that giddy feeling like a teenager who met her first crush when I wake up to his face. Folks that first meet us think we just got together and make comments about the honey moon phase. I definitely married the right person. The honey moon phase never really ended for us. I’m so grateful to have met him and had the privilege to know, love and marry this man.
Their advice: 1. Understand that marriage is a serious legal commitment ( “You just did the most legally significant thing, other than dying, you’ll ever do” ). 2. Know exactly what you want in a spouse, and realize they may not change ( “You divorce the person you were married to” ). 3. Definitely talk about your finances ( “One of the most important conversations you need to have with your partner before getting married is about your finances” ). 4. An exciting girlfriend or boyfriend might not make a good spouse ( “What a lot of us are looking for in someone to date is very different than what we’re looking for in someone to marry” ). 5. If you do have to get a divorce, try to stay calm ( “The goal is to get to the other side, not to get stuck in the middle” ).
It’s so true. Marriage is not romantic, it’s a legal contract. You wouldn’t enter into any other legal contract without doing a thorough due diligence and reading through the contract ten times. Make sure you know what you’re getting when you marry someone. The only way to do that is a loooooong engagement and take notice of everything.
I was recently graduated and financially broke so I didn’t consider needing a prenup. After being married for 2 years, I found out he had $60,000 of credit card debt, plus upside down on his house and truck. Up to his eyeballs in debt. If I hadn’t married him (and handed over my schoolteacher paychecks) he would have had to declare bankruptcy within a year. In the 7 years we were married, I never bought anything personal over $100. When we divorced, I found out that he had a secret po box and he hadn’t been paying my student loans. I was in credit default, penniless, homeless and had 2 kids to feed.
My mom and dad have a very good marriage and been together for a long time.. but what I really respect about them is not just the fact they are In love.. but they both understand their “vows” are a legally binding promise to not just them but to the courts.. and as scary as that sounds they respect the principles of that law and each other
My husband was never abusive or vindictive and now he is becoming that way after 10 years of being together, almost 6 years married. It makes NO sense to be w great husband for so long and be awful out of no where. I’m really holding onto the marriage but it takes both sides to put the Effort in. My husband forgets we’re on the same team!
I’m 57 and have been married for 36 yrs. In the last year I came to terms with the fact that my husband and I each own 50% of what we have.. Not a penny more or less. I excepted it and it not only freed me but it nade me realize my husband is as important as I am, which in turn helped me to love and respect him more and he felt it and gives the same back
Marriage advice that works: 1. Stop being selfish. Kill selfishness. You aren’t the center of the universe. 2. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. You aren’t perfect and marriages is the union of two imperfect people. So show grace. 3. Remember the “for better and worse” part. Marriages will come with suffering. Remember the vows in the hard moments when you “feel” there is no love. 4. Always fight for your marriage. 5. Never go outside your marriage. If you got a spouse not meeting “your needs”, do not betray them by seeking it elsewhere. The grass is never greener on the other side. 6. Talk to your spouse like your friends and co workers. Your spouse isn’t your enemy. 7. Don’t ever believe you deserve better. This breeds selfishness, anger and bitterness that’ll kill the marriage. Your spouse cannot fulfill every need. Just some thoughts.
On another article a lawyer spoke about the prenup agreement, and he said this. The couples where it is very awkward almost always gets divorced in a few years. Couples where it goes easily, and normally usually just put away the prenup, and never have to use it. So getting that prenup is not just a potential insurance for you, but also a good way to force an important conversation, and reveal, if your soon to be wife is planning the divorce already.
There is another crucial aspect to understand when considering divorce. In sociological data, divorce doesn’t function the same as a choice to quit a job with a long-term company, etc., but functions more like a disease in which people you are around tend to be affected by it in their own decision-making. It’s an odd thing that has been discussed and debated for a long time in family sociology, but the family and friends of people who get divorced tend to be more likely to divorce themselves in the years following. When I was growing up in the time of the dinosaurs, a few of my friends (not many back then) had divorced parents, and I don’t know of any of them who are not divorced themselves now. It’s not like it creates an absolute or a mandate of some kind, but it seems like it can be normalizing and influencing in a way that is destabilizing to families and, more broadly, communities.
The most useful article I have watched in a while. Our modern society makes marriage be about the cake or the dress. We are so unprepared for marriage that is not even funny. A vindictive partner will destroy your life and will do so with tremendous pleasure. Don’t forget that our society is made of winners and losers. There can’t be a win win so have a prenup if you want to spare your sanity. These lawyers give great sound advice. Thank you.
Not marrying sounds fine when you are younger….but as you age, you realize having a partner who knows things you don’t, and can do things you can’t, would be a great benefit in your day to day life. Having a team seems to make life easier. You choose your team-mate! Friends are great…but they aren’t as reliable, available, accessible or dedicated as a spouse can be. Just sayin.
It is important for everyone to learn a lot the benefits of marriage and also the major health damages divorce does to the couple and their families. People dont know much the degree marriage affects a persons life and the community. I hope the new generations understand marriage a lot better than the older generations.
Some more optimistic views of modern marriage than the 50% failure stat which is often cited. If the 50% of marriages ending in divorce is being inflated by people who have multiple marriages then the chance of first marriages ending in divorce is lower than 50%. indeed doing some research the divorce rate among first marriages is only 30% and for college educated women who marry when older than 25 and have an established source of independent income the divorce rate is only 20%!! There’s a cool psychcentral article that talks about this 🙂
You’re still dating that woman after you marry her. Its in a (most) woman inclination to be provided for and taken care, even if she makes equal or less. Your income can stop growing after 45 (no more pay raises, get passed over for promotions by someone younger).. However, property tax increases, kids go off to college, and then she discovers social media… its a wrap