How To Not Feel Alone In A Marriage?

When you are in need of love and you stop for a second and just stop, and you see the ignorance, the”make me a sandwich “, “talk to me now”, “i want my bed done”, “let’s have sex”…….that is when you stop and realize that everything was a lie, a lie that I accepted not because I am stupid, but because I want to have a family…..and because I trusted that him too. This pain is so deep

I most definitely feel lonely in my marriage. At first we had fun, went on dates, traveled. Now, nothing. He’s much older than me and I feel as if I’m drowning in loneliness. We don’t even have sex anymore. The age difference coupled with his health problems caused us to turn into “roommates”. I still yearn to live and feel love and intimacy. I’m just suffering in silence.

In my marriage I feel like he is only happy with me based on sex. And if he’s not getting it, he doesn’t talk to me or is mad. He uses silent treatment as a weapon and I hate it. I tried to talk to him abt it and how it hurts when I feel alone in this marriage but he acts like he’s the victim. How do you deal with something like that? We’ve been married for 20 yrs.

I feel alone in my relationship because my boyfriend has no empathy or compassion. It’s all about him, his feelings. I can’t talk about my feelings, I can’t be tired after work. And I’m scared if I get sick or when I get older . How will he treat me? Beside of that I can be fine by myself I don’t need him to fulfill me. Maybe it’s wrong to expect him to have feelings like a normal human being . He can be lovely to his daughter from his last marriage. Why not to me? Why he expects me to serve him like a king, and forget myself and others who loves me? He mind be a narcissist but how he can be good to his daughter if he is a narcissist?

I am head over heels with a girl we have been thru some bad times, really hurt each other but trying to make it work again but now she keeps almost-completely-friendzoning me all the time, and everytime I think: this is not gonna work out anymore, she restores my romantic hopes to just above critical level, she keeps giving me double signals, one sais, I do not want to emotionally band with you or anyone, and the other signal sais, if you leave me, you will break my heart caus i do have feelings for you, I feel as if she is afraid to really connect, and I am so into her, but when she puts me out in the cold like that, sometimes for weeks on end, I just feel like I should also stop hoping, she is the love of my life tho, and i would give anything to make it work… what should I do??? 🙁

I so often hear the “feeling fulfilled within yourself” idea, that its important not to seek that from others. Thats all great until it comes to sex/intimacy. I guess im supposed to have sex with myself, and reciprocate my ideas and thoughts off a mirror. Thats kind of where that doesn’t work. Thats where im stuck. Married 12 years, each and every year, less and less, with no concern from her. As long as im not currently complaining, everything is great(to her) and nothing and no one has anything to complain about. So im discounted, after 12 years of loyalty. #suffer in silence club. Where my sufferers at? 😂

I was the most lonely when I was sitting next to him, perusal a movie or in the car going somewhere. It was the lack of a connection needled in a marriage. Never being heard or really cared for. The phony “love,” the lack of any intimacy, just nothing to connect us. Going through divorce and he’s been gone for seven months. I haven’t felt lonely not once. Better alone than in bad company.

This type of loneliness pierces right through your soul, it is so deeply painful. And while I am experiencing this now in a narcissistic relationship, it seems that I feel even more disconnected from other friends and family because I have been pouring all my energy and thought into the narcissistic relationship. Also, little ways that family and friends offend me seem to hurt so much worse now, like I have become hypersensitive, to even little forms of invalidation from well-meaning people, because I am so utterly alone. it is a hot sword in your heart. I am praying for all of you who know this pain.

My childhood was the loneliest time of my life. I now live alone and have no contact with the majority of my family and have made a few really great friends. I am less lonely now than when I was enmeshed within a narcissistic family system but not without years of mental suffering. This community helps me to feel less lonely too. Thank you Dr Ramani and all in this community ❤️

DR RAMANI: DISCUSSION REQUEST. As an introvert, my narcissistic relationship takes so much energy that I no longer have the energy to “people,” even when the people are supportive and I like them, because it sucks out the last little bit of energy I have to deal with things. Extroverts may not have this problem.

Can’t help but be alone or withdrawn because the narcissist did so much damage. It’s important we focus on ourselves to heal and that’s what being alone is about……in order for us to process what the heck just happened, allow us time to pick up the broken pieces and forgive ourselves for all those red flags we chose to ignore .

Thank you AGAIN Dr Ramani. You’re giving me new found hope at enduring 25 years of Narcissistic abuse. He passed, and now I have to find out who I am. 25 years of solitary confinement.. I need to learn how to “feel again” At this stage I am still shell shocked but in my solitary state now with my two doggies by my side, I don’t feel as lonely. I’m still licking my rawl wounds before it’s too late.. baby steps, more, baby steps. I’m just going for it. Wish me luck 🙏

At the bitter end of a narcissistic relationship, I told a colleague that I was happy that I had to go to court to fight a speeding ticket because there were people there. Grad school saved me. I got into two programs and went to both of them at the same time. And you know what he said? “They don’t want you. They just want your money.” The benefits of going away to school can’t be overstated. But I wonder if it would be worth all that if I couldn’t pay my student loans. It took ten years and I had help. Listen, knowledge is precious. If you become a student again, you will meet people who esteem you because you have a curious mind. It’s a great feeling.

There was never a time I didn’t feel lonely. Actually, one of the reasons I come to youtube in search of your articles is because I feel validated. These are complex feelings that can’t be explained to people who haven’t experienced it. What it is like, to live like a stranger in your house… a house that doesn’t feel home, a house that you hesitate to call it “yours”. Even the walls of this house has scars. A friend of mine told me once- your house speaks of loneliness…. If I had to pick one day of my life when I felt the loneliest- I can’t recall because there are other moments which were just as hurtful. So I will just write about the day I realized I was on my own: I was 6-7 years old I guess. I had a high fever- 104°F. My body was burning, my face was on fire. I was struggling to sleep, or keep up. My throat would run dry every five minutes. I cried and called out for my mum, for a glass of water. She was in the kitchen as I remember. I called her out to get me a glass of water…. And she replied “get it on your own!” All other memories faded away but that one memory scarred me forever. I have never asked her for a glass of water ever since. I wish I could forgive my mother for all the damage she had done to me. For using my secrets against me, or for treating me as a scapegoat for her failures. The loneliest I feel, is everytime I realize that I have a mother who doesn’t love me. She pretends to love me at times, when she needs something. I have learnt to not fall for it.

“A family should stick together” I wrote that in comments few days ago 🙂 this was the “advice” from more then one person in my life! “Children need a father” another brilliant phrase. There is a man in the house but I think “father” is sth more than a cold guy yelling for no reason and leaving us all trembling. I wonder why people feel they can to tell me whether to stay or go – it is not their life!

Hi Dr. Ramani… u helped me come out of all the depression and gaslighting step by step. First and foremost I stepped out of his life when I understood that he was trying to destroy my career. I was under depression and i started perusal your articles and came out of what I was going through. It helped me realize every single thing that was happening to me in that relationship. Thank u so much for all these articles.. much love <3

Robin Williams said, “I dont feel lonely, people make me feel lonely”. So true from a legend man. Narcissists are lonely and empty and in my humble opinion, that’s why they do what they do. They need others energy, free spirit and open thinking to survive. If you can find understanding and self love, you don’t need them. In a work place, try adapt and manage to make money to buy food. In a relationship, move on and find empathy and kind wisdom elsewhere. We don’t need those people, they need us. Let that be an inspiration for strength and energy. Thanks Dr R. Amazing lady and I love this website. I am personally in a workplace, locked down and abused by this horrible disorder from a few people. There is always a way forward. Like Marcus Arelius said, the famous Stoic, dont talk about moving forward and growth, make it happen. Peace will come to you and flow in your space.

Loneliness is detrimental to human health and whether you are in a narcissistic relationship or have severed ties, the fact that not everyone will understand the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, is going to amplify the loneliness post breakup. That is why communities such as this one are vital to help address and mend the pain/ injuries endured. It is an important outlet for being heard and seen and to know that “you are not alone”. 🙏❤️

I had 2 key people in my life who, at the time I was being harassed & treated abusively, treated me with courtesy & respect. Not only did it assuage the loneliness, they reminded me of how I deserved to be treated – the abuse never felt OK, but it shifted my idea of normal – and for that I will always be grateful. They saved me.

I’ve definitely had that feeling of not feeling like I fit in anywhere. I’m fortunate enough to finally be separated for good now after 19 years of a tumultuous marriage. What a waste of time. But I’m still not too old to look forward to a beautiful rest of my life. That’s what I’m working on for myself now.

I usually remember not to share exciting news about my career but every once in a while I forget who I’m dealing with. Then I waste share my excitement and get dismissed. He says it’s because he has “ADHD”. Thank you for making these articles that validate my experience and help me get stronger so that I can eventually get out for good.

I’m 68-years-old now. My parents were raised in the time of ‘Children are to be seen, not heard’. And this was the way my parents raised us four kids. I was the one most deeply impacted by this… as we were ‘trophies’ to them, not actual ‘people’. This drove me into partying… drinking, smoking pot, etc. (not hard drugs). Still, I was so empty inside that I tried two suicide attempts, (with Reds… Seconal). My parents didn’t notice at all when I came home all f’d-up. At last, I felt myself so ‘disappeared’, so like a ‘ghost’, that I whispered to my mother one day that I ‘was crazy’. \rI was 16-years-old. \r She called a friend of hers and got the name of a psychologist. They took me over to this woman, (who was of their age), and we began. She told me she would not treat me unless I stopped all the drugs/drinking. I agreed and did so. After three sessions, she called my parents to have them come in for ‘family counseling’. They cancelled 3 times. \r \r I was in her office when it was the 3rd time. She said to me, ‘If they call and cancel this time, I won’t reschedule them again’. And sure enough, she no longer got the words out of her mouth than the phone rang. It was my mother cancelling the appointment. She hung-up the phone and I burst into tears.\r \r She did something I know counselors don’t normally do. She came over, sat on the sofa very close to me, and held me in her arms while I sobbed uncontrollably. She kept stroking my hair and saying, ‘I’m so sorry, so very sorry.

I honestly have felt so alone through all of this, just because people don’t understand what it’s like to be in this relationship. And being my personality, I just want to seem like I have it all together. But recently I’ve been sharing with my friends and family what it’s really like, and it’s been so freeing. And although it’s been great having them know what is really going on, it’s still lonely living the day to day. My narc and I barely speak to one another, mainly because I just don’t care what he has to say anymore. Thank you for sharing this!

Im so grateful I have found this community. Thank you Dr. Ramani for exposing me to this behavior. I’ve been married 4years and I have never been through anything like this. Im aware of his behavior now and it does help me deal with him better. I do less arguing with him and try to say emotionally disconnected to him. Please keep posting these articles because I need to stay connected to the truth. My spiritual life has really grown since being married to him. And I will continue to pray for guidance through it all.

I realize now that my primary care taker when I was a child definitely checks the boxes for Narcissism. I’ve felt alone and lonely almost my entire life. I waited to get married. Wouldn’t you know, my spouse turned out to be exactly like that parent. To the point where I felt like I was living back home going through school again. I told my spouse several times about this but most always had it flipped back on me or told they have no sympathy/empathy for me. Before the ring went on the finger I was love bombed and felt excepted but the morning after the wedding, I met who I really married. 7 hard years of pain and emotional neglect almost over. This last stretch as I wait for the divorce to get finished have been the hardest. Please send some positive energy this way. I need it. Sending love and positivity to any and all who have suffered through this.

This is SO true! My soon-to-be ex insisted we go to Greece for every vacation, to “spend time” with his family. One time I told him I was lonely on our “vacation”, and instead of trying to include me more, he said, “Maybe if you learned to speak Greek, you wouldn’t be lonely!” Right…..His family ALL spoke perfect English! And everyone knows Greek is a breeze to learn, right? Lol. (I speak German, so it’s not as if I can’t learn another language, but that wasn’t the point at all). Well, here’s one Greek word I learned: μάλακα.

Every time I tune into your articles I learn something new about myself. Thank you, very much, for that. WOW – this explains a lot. I had no idea what was wrong or missing. Living so long in a narcissistic family dynamic, I set loneliness aside and just carry on. Now that there’s hope to have things I didn’t think were possible to have (self worth, a family, friends), I need to do something more.

The loneliness is the most destructive thing to our emotional well-being. I was with a covert for 7 years. We broke up off and on and I kept going back because of his good traits and his promises to “want to fix it” although he could never come up with anything substantial to fix the problems, mostly because he’d never admit to any responsibility!!

Realising being alone and being lonely are not the same thing was a big part of my healing journey. I made a choice being alone didn’t need to mean I feel lonely. I don’t think I would have left without this notion. I felt more lonely than ever with ‘loved ones’ and ‘romance’ than I have completely discarded.

My ability to connect and build intimacy with other people, especially other women, has been completely ruined by what I went through with my narcisistic mother. I have a few friends who I like and who like me, but I never go beyond a certain point to deepen the relationship. There is always a wall between me and other people. I have accepted and gotten used to my loneliness and detachment.

😢 I was Diagnosed with BPD and being with a Narcissist boyfriend really changed who I am for the worst. I lost myself and don’t know who I am anymore. I am aware of the ways my boyfriend treats me. It’s loneliness, sad,depressing,hurtful, unappreciated uncaring, not valued, foolishness and un lovedI feel by what he leads off towards me. In order to keep my sanity from the effects of ways I’m being treated I have to distance myself from him and step back into reality where I can be in peace again. In the back of my mind I stay to prove myself wrong about how I see things in this relationship. Day by day, week by week, months by months and years by years you aren’t happy at all. Every emotion you feel this entire time was caused by the Narcissist and its never ending. The cycle repeats itself. The impact from what he does to you only puts you down.

You missed one form of loneliness, Dr. Ramani. You missed the loneliness of a person without a family, without a support system, maybe even in a new city working hard to make a fresh start. And here comes a dream come true. Finally someone so good, it was worth all the wasted years on your own, hoping for a life worth living. It is God’s reward for all you have done to improve yourself, and all the courage and introspection you’ve done to become your best self. It didn’t feel like love bombing. It felt like the steady progress of getting to know someone special, a quiet closeness and developing trust. Then sudden confusion, lies, is there someone else? And bam. Thrown away like trash. No time to be lonely in the relationship because it is suddenly over. You thought it was growing pains, but now you are back by yourself, with nobody and nothing to hope for again. You can’t even fight, flight or fawn, because he is just gone. You want to beg for crumbs rather than go back to being lonely like you were, and starting over again. This is the loneliness that makes you open to someone’s attention. What now? Should I stay locked up alone in a new city, trying to make a fresh start, but terrified that anyone who notices me will hurt me again? That’s the loneliness you missed talking about. The loneliness that makes you hope this time it’s the one. What do you do about that?

For several years now I am having the experience of feeling completely unheard by the majority of people. Its led to feelings of existential crisis though that has lessened considerably in the last year. I do not fit in anywhere or worse is I start to feel like I fit in which lets all my guard down and then it happens, something goes wrong and then I am told I am a problem. The last time this occurred was in an art therapy group and during one exercise I got in touch with some feelings of anger. When I mentioned I felt anger I got from a group member “You shouldn’t be angry”, that upset me and I became very angry. I struck the table once with my fist and said strongly “No!”. That was enough that I had to be given “a talking too” and I was told I terrify people now. This is an example of the sudden not belonging experience. Imagine that an art therapy group where you get shut down for getting in touch with an emotion and then being invalidated for having it. I have a lot of versions of this actually. My “so called friends” do not like when I am passionate and enthusiastic and I get told I am overwhelming. I am just happy to be having conversations and feel excited about them. I feel the world is gaslighting me at times. It’s beyond lonely. I feel lost, that no matter what I say or do I cannot be understood or my experiences will be distorted somehow.

As soon as he dropped his mask I started feeling lonely! Shortly after that we took a holiday on an isolated island on the east coast of Canada. Three days in, he wanted to move there! I didn’t understand his narcissism yet but everything in my body and brain told me “Do NOT move here!” That was my first episode of calmly stone-walling his maniacal ideas. Little did I know there were many other to come.

Yea my ex narc boss did that played one off against the other and i worked in cafe in his furniture store he treated the staff much better on shop floor than us. I felt i was complaining everyday at work but found no one would back me up even though they knew i was not being treated right, im alright jack was there attitude and they were scared.

Loneliness has been the elephant in the room I’ve been trying to deal with for the past 9 years. It’s because I thought I had family members that cared for me when in reality they just wanted to gaslight me. I’ve started estranging myself more and more from them even though I live with them. What they want are my emotions but as I’ve learned, if I don’t give it to them and take ownership of how I make myself feel, then the gaslighting doesn’t work.

“Ninety percent of the people you meet don’t care about your troubles. The other 10 percent are glad you have them.” You’ll be reminded of that over time when you talk to someone who doesn’t understand and then you’ll just talk to no one, Bc you aren’t a life time television drama and that’s what it feels like. They just are enjoying the show.

I believe that loneliness, stems from an early age as a deep feeling, (which one could turn a blind eye to) is that one’s subconscious mind is in denial of abandoning their true nature, in order to comply with what is expected to live in our narcissistic surroundings, society. When one is lucky enough to find their true identity or nature, the loneliness is no longer…. Love to all, and all to nature🦌

I have been listening to articles on narcissistic abuse for over a year now and this one describes one of the hardest experiences I endured for years and no one knew. I am now living in a very remote area by myself and I am not nearly as lonely as I was in my former marriage. Thank you Dr. Ramani for telling it like it is.

I feel a lot lonely after I left the narc 1yr ago. I realized I isolated myself when I was with him and once he was gone i realize I had made no friends. The close friends that I did have think I’m crazy because I try to explain the trauma I went through . You start to becoMe the toxic person and everyone wants to stay away from you. It’s a struggle becuz I’ve lost myself still trying to find me again

the moment i realized that i felt like i was single even though i was 2 years into a relationship, but at the same time listened to all of my friends tell me that we were “relationship goals” because they only saw the outside of it, i knew i couldnt live my life like this anymore. it’s such a painful bitter cold type of loneliness that no one really understands!! not only is it painful, but it’s exhausting, since more often than not you end up putting a ton of effort into the relationship, just for nothing to come from it. this article (and your whole entire website) has made me feel seen for the first time.

Thank you Dr. Ramani! ..”It’s a perverse form of solitary confinement.” Yikes! Yes!..Being unseen, unheard and unknown. Invisible. All of these. VERY lonely.. Connecting with my own feelings and needs and connecting with other available people has really helped.. This article & community really helps too!❤❤

I nearly cried when you said I’m not alone. Thank you so much for these articles …I’m finally understanding what the last 22 years has been. I’m selling up after Christmas and getting out for good. Much love to everyone who has been or is going through this. We are strong..if we can live through this abuse we can literally do anything..xxx

I legit love your websites because you seem like a great person, you’re straight forward, and you’re validating. You honestly seem like you want to help are super interested in psychology for genuine reasons. It’s very refreshing to have someone like that validate everything that I’ve experienced. I honestly really trust you and that’s very hard for a lot of us I think haha. So thank you its comforting to watch your articles when I feel invalidated or lost.

Thank you for your work Doctor. It’s helping me finally become a functional, loving human being and actually help me cope with my depression. Can you tackle a narcissist’s expectations of gratitude? I have a covert narcissist mother and a narcissistic stepdad. I moved out and have been working since I was 14. I did everything they told me at hold and I was still berated for not being “grateful”. Except I was the only one expected to always be the doormat. I was the confessional and the punching bag and the more I do for them the worse I get treated. They’ll even criticize me right in my face. I’m going grey rock with them but still…what gives? Why should I be grateful for being treated like nothing I do is enough?