Autonomy in marriage is crucial for maximizing relationship satisfaction and fostering a strong sense of fulfillment. It involves mutual respect, support, and openness, requiring self-awareness and emotional intelligence to understand and respect the other person’s boundaries. In a marriage relationship, autonomy can include having a “man cave” or a home office that is independent. Autonomy is essential for growth, self-expression, and self-determination.
Healthy dependency involves a willingness to be vulnerable, admit flaws, and explore a partner’s perspective. Healthy independence means that both partners are free to address their needs and experiences. Research has shown that married individuals differ in their abilities to exercise social autonomy.
In many cultures, women bear the responsibility of self-care from an early age, while men are seen as moneymakers in arranged marriages. Autonomy concerns the independence and authenticity of desires (values, emotions, etc.) that move one to act in the first place. Autonomy is a more global notion, referring to states of a person.
Autonomous marriage is where individuals select, without parents or guardians consulting or having any say before the marriage. Most adult marriages in recent modern history are somewhere on the scale between consensual arranged and autonomous marriage, in part because marriage is a social institution.
Having autonomy in a relationship means having a loving relationship with your partner, while still having agency over your own life choices. This means spending time with your significant other while also having your own interests and relationships with friends, colleagues, or family.
A healthy relationship balances itself around three basic needs: autonomy, security, and intimacy. Autonomy emphasizes human independence, while marriage and family life necessarily involve dependence.
📹 What Is Your Attachment Style?
Attachment theory refers to a set of ideas formulated by psychologists in the 1960s that gives us an exceptionally useful guide to …
What is the difference between autonomous and arranged marriage?
In most modern cultures, people choose their spouses without help. In some cultures, arranged marriages are the norm. Advocates of autonomous marriage often oppose arranged marriages. They say such unions show that people don’t have the right to decide their own destiny or choose a life partner. Denying ethnocentrism is a reasonable approach to avoid bias. Cultural relativism means recognizing different cultures have different values. Appiah says: “You can be interested in other societies without agreeing with them or adopting them.” If you grew up in a different culture, you can’t be expected to accept other cultures’ norms. That doesn’t mean you can censure them. Cultural relativism means that no matter what culture you’re from, you can’t condemn or be biased against other cultures. Dauvergne looks at arranged marriage. He says that even though this can be confusing, it doesn’t mean that people who do it are less developed. This shows how different cultures set up marriage. What is wrong for one person may be right for another. Cultural relativism allows us to argue against bias based on cultural customs. This can be done by using concepts like individual rights and distinctive values. Cultural relativism doesn’t allow any form of development that goes against universal human values. In his book, Appiah says that this is not a common practice and can sometimes be a means of manipulating opinions. He says that if we can’t learn from each other, conversation is pointless (Appiah, 2006, p. 31). Sometimes, to defend their ideas, people or even whole cultures may make mistakes. Cultural relativism is a good way to look at arranged or autonomous marriages. This theory shows how different cultures see marriage and their traditions.
What does being autonomous in a relationship mean?
What is autonomy in a relationship? A 2019 study says having autonomy in a relationship means doing what you want, being true to yourself, and acting in a way that aligns with your values. One partner or friend might encourage your autonomy more than another, but according to self-determination theory, you learn to be independent and understand yourself as a young adult. As you grow up, you learn who you are. This is when you start to be independent, set personal boundaries, and learn how you feel most comfortable.
Is it better to divorce or stay unhappily married?
A study showed that unhappy married people who divorced were no happier than unhappy married people who stayed married. Divorce didn’t usually make people feel better about themselves or more in control. Divorce is often the best option in a bad marriage. If you are thinking about divorce, you may wonder if you’ll be happier afterwards. There are several things to consider when asking if you will be happier after divorce.
Who makes the decision: If you decide to divorce, you probably think it will make you happier. You see a better future. If you didn’t see the divorce coming, you are probably shocked, angry, or dread the future.
Gender differences: Research shows that men and women have different outcomes.
Who is usually happier after divorce?
Women are more likely than men to ask for a divorce in heterosexual relationships. Are women happier after getting divorced? Leaving a long-term partner is hard. But most women do feel happier after a divorce. Being single is better than being married to the wrong person. Why do so many women find happiness after getting divorced, even though living alone can be hard? Many women use this chance to focus on themselves. It can start a new chapter. Here are a few things women do after getting divorced to be happy and stable again. Women often have strong support systems. They have close female friends they can turn to when they need help. Divorced women might also turn to their parents, siblings, and extended family. Also, women are less likely to be judged if they see a therapist. Many women see therapists after a divorce. Therapy can help you process your emotions after a divorce and start rebuilding your life.
What is the difference between autonomy and marriage?
I argue in a new report that the principle of autonomy is not suitable for marriage and family life. The principle of autonomy doesn’t describe marriage and family life well. Autonomy means being independent, but marriage and family life mean being dependent on others. Autonomy means freedom from constraints. But we are born, we give birth, and we depend on others for the greatest satisfactions in life. Autonomy as liberals understand it doesn’t fit with the human condition or human goods.
Marriage as Contract, Nature as Something to Be Controlled.
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How to stay autonomous in a relationship?
5 ways to keep your relationship strong:
The importance of autonomy in marriage and romantic relationships.
5 ways to maintain autonomy in your romantic relationship.
5 ways to gain and establish autonomy in your romantic relationship.
Is there autonomy in marriage?
Autonomy is important in marriage. In a healthy marriage, both partners should love themselves, be independent, and be able to make choices without pressure from their spouse.
Looking for your soulmate? You won’t find your soulmate here, but you might on Muzz.
Dysfunctional and limited relationships lack self-love boundaries. Couples and individuals don’t grow much.
Can you have autonomy in a marriage?
In a relationship, it’s important to be able to make your own decisions. If both partners are in charge of their own lives, you have a great foundation for making room for each other and growing together. When one person controls another, the relationship can become abusive. In a healthy relationship, each partner should be in charge of themselves. You should be free to make some decisions. Sleeping and eating; medications, hormones, and surgeries; self-care and time alone; declining to be a partner’s sole source of support; where to go and who to spend time with; social reputation; ability to say no to sexual activities, physical intimacy, alcohol and other drugs, unsafe situations, and transphobic social situations.Diary, journal, passwords. Important documents, eg. tenancy, immigration, work, school, WINZ, identification, passport. Private communication and support networks, such as social media, email, phone, personal messages. Personal expression: clothing, hairstyle, language and mannerisms. Income: how it is made, how it is used, and who can access it. Culture, cultural knowledge, values, language, history, beliefs, spiritual or religious practice.
If you are controlling your partner. If you want to let your partner make their own decisions, you can take steps to stop controlling them. If you control someone’s decisions, they can control yours.
What does autonomy look like in a marriage?
Autonomy in a relationship means loving your partner while still making your own choices. This means spending time with your partner and still having your own interests and relationships. It’s about having a happy life inside and outside your romantic relationship. What’s the difference between autonomy and intimacy? Autonomy in a relationship means having interests outside of your relationship. Intimacy means sharing a special bond with your partner.
A romantic relationship has several types of intimacy. You can develop physical and emotional intimacy with your partner. You can also develop intellectual and experiential intimacy by spending quality time together.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Sometimes, one spouse leaves the other suddenly. The other spouse is shocked. This is called “walkaway wife syndrome.” This term is used for when a spouse, often the wife, feels alone, neglected, and resentful in a bad marriage and decides to leave. What is walkaway wife syndrome? The term “walkaway wife syndrome” suggests a sudden decision, but it often comes after a long period of conflict. The divorce takes years to happen. After trying to get her spouse to deal with their relationship issues, the wife finally decides it’s pointless. She has thought about her options and is ready to leave the marriage.
📹 The Paradox of Security vs. Freedom
From the moment we are born, we straddle two sets of contradicting needs: the need for security and the need for freedom.
Just so y’all know… you can change and become secure. I was avoidant until I was 21, after that I pushed through the fear and let someone in, got pretty hurt which reinforced the avoidant feelings. During that period (21 to 26 years old) I was a mix of avoidant and anxious. It was annoying af bc I wanted relationships badly and the intimacy that entails but at the same time “people are so stupid and errr”. Then I realized I was stupid in my own ways and went on a journey to know myself and that made me understand others better and be ok with them and myself. I feel secure now, 27. There will be pain in any relationship, but suffering is optional. To make a long story short, you’re not set in stone, go to therapy, do the work required and set yourself free.
I have a secure attachment style who tried to date an avoidant recently (i didn’t know about attachment styles before). I put up with him for over a year without even being in a distinctive relationship. It emotionally exhausted me so much because of the confusion and the frustration over the question why do they distant themselves everytime we get closer. This article finally removed my confusion and helped me understand their behaviour.
“When they attack you, see that they are longing for love.” I work with autistic children and anytime one breaks down over something trivial and I ask if they want a hug, they collapse into my arms and bawl. It’s both heartbreaking and heartwarming to know they both trust me and know I see their frustration.
I’m avoidant, and my best friend is anxious. Weirdly, our friendship and different attachment styles has helped the two of us get closer to being secure. I know she needs signals of affection, so I go out of my way every now and then to do things that I normally wouldn’t do in order to make sure she knows I care. Every time I do something like that it gets easier. And equally, she’s grown to understand that time and space doesn’t mean I don’t love her, it’s just that I’m overwhelmed and I need breathing room. It’s a great case of opposites being good for one another, I think.
I was definitely avoidant with an anxious partner, and I really hated myself for it. For some reason or another I was hesitant to be more affectionate unless asked to, and my ex got incredibly upset and insecure about that as a result. Didn’t help that I only ever heard those requests when they were already mad at me, and that they felt like they shouldn’t have even had to ask. It made me constantly second guess whether I was doing enough, and what I should even do about it if not. The anxiety of knowing I should be doing more to reassure them than I was, but not being able to just force myself to do it unless they asked was awful man.
Seeing myself as the avoidant makes me think if I can really just put the past away; I can try to form a better future. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow. I reflected on this article and realized how I messed up my relationship with someone who is an anxious type. I didn’t understand her perspective so it went south. Hopefully now I can do better. I’m hurt, not a bad person.
I’m avoidant until I’m secure. I’ve never been anxious and being with an anxious partner always causes me to RUN. They often overwhelm me before I feel comfortable enough to open up more. It’s baby steps being vulnerable and intimate for me and the fact I am getting closer is often overlooked by an anxious type. It’s kind of exhausting. I’m never ever gonna be in a rush to say “I love you” because I want to feel deeply that I mean it.
I act secure, but sometimes feel avoidant. However, I always choose to ignore my avoidant tendencies because I know they are destructive and irrational. So far, its been working for me. I’m in a healthy and loving relationship with someone I see as my soulmate. I wholeheartedly believe the knowledge of attachment styles has greatly helped us.
I tested disorganized/fearful-avoidant and the results described me so perfectly. I’m afraid people won’t care about me as much as I care about them, but I’m also afraid to show any of that so 95% of the time I just keep people at arm’s length while hoping that someone will, I don’t know, read my mind or something and realize how much I need them. The thing I don’t understand is why I am this way. The test I took says that the vast majority of people with this attachment style develop it as a result of learning to fear their primary caregiver at a young age, but I grew up in a secure, loving home with parents and siblings who I have always had very good relationships with. There was some disconnect in feeling like they valued the things I was passionate about, but that hardly seems significant enough to mess me up like this. I’m thirty years old and this is becoming debilitating for me. The longer you’ve been isolated, the less you know how to form relationships, and the more isolated you become. It’s the definition of a vicious cycle. I just wish I understood this better and had any idea how to overcome it.
I can recall when I was 16, being with someone who called herself feeling “cold” whenever I showed a lot of appreciation of them. I knew to some extent that she was bipolar feeling when given a lot of attention, but I never solved the core reason why we were so incompatible. She was a Avoidant and I was the Anxious. That relationship shaped how I perceived the newer relationships down the road. I realized that I became anxious about not giving too much affection, and it may have been the root cause of ruining what could have been greater relationships. Part of the reason I failed so much was because I took far too much blame for that one Avoidant relationship and chose the more cautious path in the future. I should have taken a step back and asked for an outside view on why I felt so bad. A friend could have more clearly described that it was not entirely my fault. Beware of those feelings folks. The signs of feeling unwanted and distant from your partner can have lasting effects if not diagnosed or fixed sooner.
This article is perfect for me and my SO. Genuinely perfect for us. After perusal it gave a deeper understanding on what I can work on and how I can better cope with not just myself but her as well. I’m avoidant as hell and hearing this helped realize I’m not unconsciously being an asshole like I thought. Thank you.
I was the avoidant with an anxious-type partner. She had panic attacks every time our dates were coming to an end, and even though I’d hold her and comfort her, I remember feeling so incredibly tense, frustrated, and annoyed. It got to the point where I had some sort of ‘panic’ attack during our date where just sensing the presence of her behind me, waiting both anxiously and patiently, made my blood boil. I remember vividly the purple flowers around our forest picnic. They were all I could stand to look at.
I’m an avoidant type and we’re often villainized as if we aren’t people as well. I often see people online say that the best thing that our anxious partners can do is leave us. But the fact of the matter is that all damaged people need/deserve an extra amount of love and patience as opposed to ‘secure’ lovers. In my experience, it’s hurt me more than anything to hear from my anxious lover (who I love more than anyone in this world) that the love I give her just isn’t enough for her. That she sometimes questions whether I love her at all. But things have gotten better over time (although they are far from perfect) and I have a lot of hope for the future.
This is a great point/question to be asking from this article. While I respect the creator of this series very much, and appreciate all of the hard work he has put in and the help he has provided to many, the reality of there being 60% of people out there who are “secure” in their attachments and only %40 who are insecure, is just plain wrong (consider the divorce rate, and then add-in all of those miserable, unhappy marriages, for example). My experience is that in the same way there is no one who is completely psychologically/emotionally/spiritually healthy, there is no one who is completely secure. Be mindful of “the halo effect” in surveys, which is when people answer in the way in which they’d like to be perceived (I do wish the speaker had addressed this). My guess is that people who are really very secure in all their relationships are exceedingly rare, and if they do exist, they have done a LOT of work. Think of attachment style as some sort of three-pointed spectrum. And, we may move around on the spectrum depending on our situations, although, we tend to stay within a certain ballpark until something significant in our lives creates a shift towards greater or lesser security.
I’m a mix of B and C – I sometimes really do want to be close to someone, but I think that I’ll just embarrass myself if I show that I appreciate them being close, and that they don’t actually like me and will be weirded out, so I try not to show it. I also have issues with trusting that people’s intentions are good when they are close to me and I think they want to be so that they can use me. Basically, people being too close also freaks me out. 😅
Just wanted to throw out that this applies to friendships too, very much so. I’m an anxious, and for the better part of two years it felt like I had a true best friend in an avoidant, until everything came down in one conversation, where I left confused, depressed, scared even. We didn’t talk for a few weeks, even though I had tried reaching out, and now that we have, I’ve been given an ultimatum of adapting to a new normal for our friendship, or walking away if I “was honest with myself and thought it’d only work if it way the way it was before.” They thought I was too close, and when they left, I felt like I had nothing. They continued on, having fun without me, and I festered on my own. I don’t really know what I’m talking about when it comes to stuff like this, but I guess my point is, if this is a struggle for anyone else, you truly are not alone.
I’m avoidant. This was painful to watch. I never thought I might be hurting the people closest to me. And as a woman, the expectations people have of me in any relationship are something I’ve never been able to meet. I try, but only later do I realize that after a certain closeness I push everyone away. As soon as my friends start to know me better I start distancing myself, I’ve even done this to my siblings.
“you are hurt, not bad.” That one stung. I know this speaks mainly about romantic endeavors but this comes back a lot in my platonic relationships as well. With people like my siblings and friends for example. I am the friend that sometimes “disappears” on people, but I am not bad, I just can’t help it.
Reading these comments was both reassuring and terrifying. Relationships are so tough. We’re all so complex. It must be amazing finding someone who you can relate to well and, insofar as attachment types are concerned, support each other and find middle ground. Do people discuss these attachment types in relationships honestly? I wonder if it’s worth having the discussion with a girl I’m currently seeing
I used to have an Anxious Attachment style, and because of my anxiousness my partner left me for someone else. She never accepted my love and humiliated me in hundreds of ways. Now I’m Avoidant. Over the past year I’ve had many people interested in me, but can’t bring myself to trust that I won’t just be hurt and waste my time again. I think people can likely shift from style to style based on experience
“Have compassion that you are afraid of what you really want. Think back to how in your past, closeness would’ve been frightening because people let you down, and observe how you adopted a strategy of removal to protect yourself. You are hurt, not bad. Remind yourself that the present is different from the past, and that you are ruining the present by bringing to it fear laden dynamics that don’t actually belong there.” Wrote this down, so that I might keep reading it and somehow heal from it.
So much is making sense right now about previous relationships. I remember feeling so secure in one relationship, going through such hard times when I missed that person, and being back to happiness when I got to see them again. That ended due to issues. Then I got into an disorganized attachment with an avoidant and it felt like hell. That one makes a lot of sense because it’s still pretty fresh in my mind, I ended up becoming anxious and did end up blowing up tbh because it just felt like they gave nothing ever. And now I am in a relationship still under avoidant attachment but the good thing is that I see it because my boyfriend is like a mix between avoidant and secure. He’s such a good man. I’ve just been struggling with the avoidant because I don’t feel good with the physical stuff. Is this the same with like PDA and all?
What I’ve noticed from my previous (and first serious) relationship was that in the start (and I believe that was mainly present because of our past traumas), I was the more avoidant person, while she was the anxious one, when we went deeper into the relationship though, and felt understood and cared for (began loving ourselves more) i believe we both were the secure type to each other (with a bit of anxiousness and avoiding of course, but nothing major), but then after distancing because of some of our differences and the ways our lives were going, I started pulling and chasing her more (anxious behaviour) while she began being avoidant. Seeing us changed so much and drifted so apart while losing the feeling of being understood was what inevitably broke us. So my question is, is my theory correct, that an attachment style could change due to the place where you are in a relationship? If so, is working towards the secure style the ultimate goal?
That article was helpful. however, i feel like a person sometimes can be both things: avoidant and anxious. I found that, in the past, I used to be avoidant when I started to date particular person, in a, so called, “honeymoon stage”; however later on, I switched to anxious and was overly attached. Worked on myself very hard, and now I do not waste someone’s time and come crystal clear about who I am and what I am ready and not ready to do with particular person.
I have been avoidant in terms of love. It’s usually problem when I’ve consumed too much alcohol. I break down and go melancholic. I’ve tried my absolute to not drink alcohol over moderation, since I want make things work with my partner. I’ve attempted to learn to solve crises with communication, and attempt to do it as calmly and friendly. I only hope I can overcome my avoidant attachement and find happiness.
Mostly avoiding, but some secure. Grew up without dad, alcoholic mom, but loving grand parents. Those loving grand parents also had some negligence though because I was just not okay even though they took me in, and I didn’t even know it. Now lately I’m just unpacking and processing this shit that I didn’t really emotionally deal with
This article urked me. Not that the information was bad, but because, the RED triangle was Option B, and then in the next portion after establishing what the colors and shapes were, You changed the RED triangle to option C. I didn’t like that. Made me feel like you weren’t even sure about what you guys were trying to explain.
I’m emotionally secure but physically avoidant. I can trust people easily and open myself up to them but I just don’t like to be touched that’s why I avoid physical intimacy. But it’s gotten way better in the past six months and it feels like in a year or two that I could actually be normal in regard to physical touch.
when it comes to romantic relationships, im more of the anxious type. instead of getting angry at my partner, however, i get more quiet and well-up those negative feelings when i feel like i need more attention. in platonic relationships, im more of the avoidant type. it’s hard for me to depend on others and i find it easier to be sad and alone, than to be sad and abandoned. i also can’t just jump into relationships easily. i have to first become friends and then decide if i want to take that relationship a step further, but being avoidant platonically means that it’s extremely hard for me to get to that point of even considering a romantic relationship. im still working through all of this and im only learning more about how to break my behaviors.
I’m 29 and haven’t been close to anybody since I was in elementary school. Over the years I’ve found that the way I behave towards others is often reflective of how I perceive how others treat me. So when I’m cold, distant, avoident, standoffish, uncaring, or just disinterested in others in general, I wished people would understand that I’m broken and have always been in need of positive attention.
I had never heard of the attachment types until I watched this vid and realised that I am entirely the avoidant type. I’m not one for romance but I can completely see this in all of my friendships, especially with my best friend. I don’t feel particularly inclined to see them or talk to them a lot and I can tell that it hurts them, but I just can’t stop those emotions. I honestly have been putting a lot of space between the two of us cause I think it’s unfair that they have to deal with me when I can tell they need someone who is more secure. Its sad because I’ve been close friends with them for the past 6 years but I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t think I would even care if they left, cause I know they would benefit from leaving the friendship. I also find most people draining, like, if I were to ever pursue a relationship I would have no idea how to cope if they were secure or anxious, cause I’ve had friends like that and I’ve always felt the need to end the friendships because I just can’t handle their needs. I know that I am the main issue in all of these situations, but I just don’t know what to do :/
I guess I have an anxious attachment style then. Always thought I had a secure attachment before perusal this article, but when you mentioned that people with an anxious attachment style often search for intimacy to the point where they sometimes scare people away, I immediately saw myself. Got to work on taking things slower.
please remember people….these are ways of categorizing and making sense of these complex emotions and relationship dynamics. This A,B,C way of explanation is super helpful, but you are not just either A,B or C but more or less a combo of the 3 depending on your current status. I for one am generally more avoidant but in moments feel very secure but still have an underlying paranoia and can feel “needy”. What I really want to communicate though is that you can change and tweak out some of the unhealthy attachments you feel you need for another. No one is perfect and or fully secure and if you feel you are I think you have a bigger issue haha. Be Brave and Transparent!!!!!
I was Anxious-avoidant, yet mostly anxious. After being in a relationship with a purely avoidant man for nearly 3 years I’ve now become secure. I walked away from him. He helped me realize that I deserve to have a mature love. I deserve to have someone who loves me securely, just as I will now love that someone securely. I’ve done so much internal work these past three 3 years. I will never tolerate disrespect and apathetic disregard from someone ever again.
I developed this theory as a teenager with my friend, we called it “cold and warm people” because we were both emotionally warm (anxious) types in relationships with cold people (avoidant types)^^ I knew about attachment theory before, but the statements in this article were just so painfully accurate and relatable to my exact situation and thoughts that it made me cry like a baby
Whooooah just watched this with my husband and it was so spot on it’s frightening. Me being the avoidant, him being anxious… it’s often super frustrating for me having him be so “clingy” but he’s never had a previous relationship like I’ve had and this article just opened our eyes! We’ve learned to deal with our differing “attachment styles” in our own ways which works most of the time… but I’m interested to learn a bit more about how we can deal with these issues a little better in the future! Great article minus the shapes mix up haha!
Something I would like to add… We can be avoidant in certain relationships and anxious in others… I’m usually avoidant. But I had a boyfriend who was very avoidant with whom I became the extremely anxious and codependent one. Also, there are 2 kinds of avoidant types. The fearful-avoidant and the dismissive-avoidant. Some people have a disorganized attachment style (usually the result of adverse childhood experiences).
I couldn’t tell whether I was secure or anxious. I used to be secure I feel, but several events caused me ti be scared. I never force people to stay or anything but I still get scared that they’ll leave. Or that me being to loving will scare them away (even if I ignore those thoughts and still love the people around me in my way and in a way that they want) and if they walk away, I’ll think “how did that happen, was it me, them or both of us? And grow because of it i think.
I don’t know why I’m here but i just think of this as a space to clear my thoughts. I don’t even have a partner, but I know for sure that I am anxious. I constantly worry about the little things because I crave for a relationship that I wouldn’t want to lose. I’ve been haunted by the traumas of my losing some of my friends and family. I lost my grandfather and I got really down mentally. I saw two of my closest friends have an argument that altered the course of their friendship and I constantly became anxious on my place with the friends I have made. And now, placed with a situation where fate has sealed me an opportunity to be with a person that I felt was just a minor crush, became this complex and heartwarming experience that has boosted my confidence all around. But as sweet as that is, I have been on a troubling side of the journey at the moment. We haven’t even dated, once.. and for every time that the year has moved, most of the things that I constantly hear when it comes to her has been aching me to say the least. I’m feeling so much anxiety because I don’t want to take this for granted. This moment in time with her is the most alive I’ve been in a long time. The memories that I’ve made with her, nurtured me so much happily. But deeply, the anxiety hits every-time. For every-time we talk, it’s like I’m losing her everyday.. dunno how.. how do I combat this?
I think in the past I’ve been avoiding everyone in fear of getting hurt, but at the same time when I found someone that I could trust I’d become anxious and fearing of losing them. It’s something like “everyone is bad, this person is good, if i lose this person I wont find anyone like this never again”. I think that, in the end, you should value your partner as they are, knowing what they want in the relation and knowing what YOU want, trying to get to a middle point recognizing the good and the bad as a whole. Your partner shouldn’t be a part of you, but someone with whom you can share your experiences, thoughts and feelings.
I’m a C with A undertones. A ‘C’ with adults and groups and ‘A’ with children and animals. I have an understanding why. Being a post infant adoptee, with little or none parental influence. I battled my way through to adulthood emotional bruises and scars aplenty. However, my father told me that ‘you can treat people/animals as you were treated or you can make a difference’: I chose the latter.
i’m avoidant and my ex was anxious and while our relationship was beautiful and more or less healthy, it was quite hard for us to communicate and move in our relationship. i’m now dating a secure person and communication is a lot better because i am not triggering their fears by being avoidant. however, i realized that once i open up so much to someone that i’m not avoidant anymore, i then get anxious because now that i have (against my plans) let myself be dependent on someone it’s even scarier.
For my avoidant self, I am an expert in finding unavailable people to crush on, get platonic, and chase after them. and if I see any slight chance that they might be into me as well, I instantly feel an emotion quite close to disgust. It comes and goes, but always stays there. That’s why I always get interested in difficult people 🙁 Hope I can fix myself haha 😀
i learned that holding relations was tiring, so from my 60 friends, i stopped to talk to 35, then from 25 to 16 to 8 to 3 to 0, and after leaving them i felt as free as i have never been, only me and myself, ive been living by myself for some 8 years and its great. i want to understand but its hard to think why people are afraid of loneliness since i dont get any negative feeling
C mostly, sometimes when I really like someone I do feel like eventually they will hurt or leave me, but I personally push them away before they can hurt me. Most of the time I keep people away from me from the start, I never let them get too close, cause then they can never hurt me. This goes for friends and family just as much as it goes for romantic relationships.
Although I feel secure with my partner and I always found it so easy to communicate and be intimate with him, I realised that with friends I am very avoidant.. I’m very warm and open at first, but it’s terribly hard to keep that long-term, to open up and share my feelings with them, to respond to their emotional needs. Because of that, I don’t really have a best friend with whom I would share anything, although I have many good friends.
I’m anxious certainly but in attempt to not look like I’m needy I often don’t share my constant need for attention and communication, so I end throwing myself into loops of overthinking, thinking all kinds of negative things about my relationship, this is my first relationship, Im new to a lot of feelings, and the relationship itself is new, my partner is probably secure or avoidant, I can’t quite figure out, but I see him making an attempt to communicate more for which I appreciate him, but he still don’t know that how easily attached I am and that Im waiting for him to message me 24*7. He might still have some trauma from his past relationship because of which he might restrain himself but I try my best to reassure that it’s a safe space for him to open up about it.
I love having avoidant attachement style, I feel free, I have a built-in alarm system that allows me to Don’t get attached too much to people. I know that sometimes can be toxic, but it really allows me to don’t fall in any attachment trap. I define myself as an affectionate human being, I love to love more than being loved. From my perspective I adore to have this kind of attachement style it allows me to explore people without getting attached and stuck (yes I feel that staying in a love relationship with just one person can be equated to getting stuck) and yes I’m really young so that’s also something to consider. I love changing partner and staying in good relationships with almost everyone of them without getting too close. I think I find my sweet spot of closeness as an avoidant, for me and for my partner. I also love hangin out with avoidant people, I feel safe. Lately I’ve been seeing this girl, she lives in another country and that is perfect to me bcs we see each other rarely. I found the good spot for now in loving relationships, but in other part of my life I’m fucked, I only have 2 friends, and cannot keep a job or commit to a studying path for more than 1 month without feeling anxious and stuck. IDK if this has any relationship to my attachement style, ( sure it has i cannot call for help to my parents, bcs I’m scared of all the reactions that made me avoidant) so I put all my pressure on me. Any advice? (Pls don’t say therapy I don’t trust them)
The avoidant one feels closest to me. I have always been the type to do better around people I’ve never met than people I’ve spent a long time with. It’s because those people I’ve been around have preconceived notions about me and thus interacting with them is more complicated. As I’ve gotten older more and more I yearn to move away from everyone and everything. Because for me that distance allows me to actually enjoy interactions again. I know where it stems from too. I was a kid that had the whole school collectively bullying me, so it was only new people that hadn’t been brought into the loop that I was not to be associated with that I actually got to talk with. Everytime I’d get a girlfriend they would break up with me a few weeks later because they couldn’t take the bullying they got by proxy for being with me. That shit made me stronger and stop caring about other people but it also made me terrified to get too close to anyone. I’ve gotten better as I’ve gotten older, from finding groups that are like a second family to me. But my first instinct that I have to fight against is that urge to run away and start fresh somewhere else.
I’m anxious and my partner is avoidant. We have our struggles but ultimately there is great love and respect for one another. On my end, I have to settle my emotions to allow him to have the freedom and space he needs for his self. I have to reassure myself, manage expectations, and have faith in him, knowing that he’s doing what works for him and nothing wrong. In this way I have grown to be more self reliant and emotionally aware. He has to compromise by communicating more with me when he just wants to go internal because it’s safer. He has to go beyond wanting to not respond to calls or texts. He has to hold himself accountable to following through on his promises. In this way he learns that intimacy and attachment aren’t so scary. It can work. Both parties have to be willing to grow and talk out the rough parts, there has to be respect, and healthy boundaries. I love him so much and our relationship has helped me become a better person.
I go from A to B to C in the span of a relationship or friendship. Some last longer than others; it depends on them. I always feel like I put in effort to stay in touch with said friends, but they don’t. So the moment they stop trying, I used to get anxious or depressed and go to C, but now I just skip any feelings and go straight to C. If they ignore me, they won’t notice me ignoring them, and then eventually the so-called friendship dissipates and I move on.
i think i was a little clingy & needy.. but after being single for almost 2 yrs from toxic relationship.. i become A – secure. That requires lots of thinking in solitude, analysis on past experience (the way things didn’t work out) the positive & negative of everything that has happened, and for one definete reason, in order to be freed one needs to let go. A lot of me-time & being introspective is what makes me to this secure phase. And yet life starts giving me another lemon not thru relationship, but my work situation, LMAO.
Watching this, I think my first long-term relationship (at least outside of long-distance relationships) was one where I, one who considers myself in the anxious camp, fell for a young woman who I presume was in the avoidant camp. She was always very uncertain about intimacy, like you said, finding it easier to have sex with strangers than to accept romantic advances in the context of a committed relationship. I can’t say I handled it as best I could, but I never resulted to anger or vitriol. I tried my best for about 3 years to keep the balance and help ease her into a position where she could feel comfortable expressing some level of intimacy with me. We got close a few times, but then it would always fall apart when she would admit to cheating on me. Again, and again, and again, and I kept staying or at least coming back when she called. I don’t know, I certainly feel now like I was being emotionally abused, but I don’t think it was her intent. To this day I think she wanted to love me, but simply couldn’t find how to feel the way I felt for her. In the end, we tried to do an open relationship thing, but I just couldn’t. I guess I need some level of commitment to assuage my insecurities about my own self-image and deservingness of love, and I couldn’t find that with her. I did, later, find someone who I felt was an amazing fit, who seemed to understand me on a level that my ex never could. Who it felt natural and easy to be with, not eternally confrontational like before. But then, as I silently suspected, she ended up leaving.
For a women, she learns a lot of her attachment style from her father. She learns how men should treat her, from how her father treated her. As a young girl, if her father hugs her everyday and tells her how wonderful she is and how much he loves her then she will feel secure, she will know what love and intimacy feels like. when she’s older and she meets a man and the relationship starts to progress and intimacy and love starts to bloom it will feel warm, natural, familiar and good. The woman will seek out these qualities in her man. Now take the opposite scenario, a little girl’s father ignores her or is even mean to her, never hugs her. she chases her father for his love, she pines for him but the Love is unrequited. she has a huge hole in her heart, that was never filled by her father,. it is so sad, so tragic. when she’s older she will chase men to love her, she will find unavailable men and hope that one day she can change them and if she does then she finally is able to get her father’s love, to fix the relationship with him. She subconsciously picks unavailable men, one after another, if she’s finds a loving caring man who can show love and intimacy then she feels smothered or suffocated, it feels unnatural and she’s got to get away. it’s so sad and heartbreaking to see this play out for some women 😭. The good news is there is so much information out on the internet available, just like this article, and people can start becoming aware of past neglect or abuse and start to heal.
I’m secure(A), I came to the conclusion that giving trust easy, costs less energy, and makes you grow faster because of it’s risk and situations you will be confronted with, you just have to embrace that people are irrational and will hurt you, all of your life. Not trusting people, makes people build trust with you, which makes you depended on the other person, you will give so much value to the relationship you created, that you will push them away, and will be heartbreaking beause you gave it too much value. Be independed and love being alone, only accept when people like you the way you are
4:02 nah, now I AM bad. And it’s good! After being an “anxious” type and getting my heart fed back to me for years, I’ve crushed myself into the avoidant type. Now whoever might be interested is seeking me, not the other way round. And if I’m with someone, they’ll seek confirmation about our relationship or feelings instead of me continuously pining for their confirmation.
I’ve naturally been avoidant for a long time, but my relationship has helped me grow secure. He’s much more secure in love than I have ever been, but he doesn’t hold it against me. He is patient, voicing the closeness and affection he needs when I’m being avoidant in a soft way. He’s helped me open up to the idea that not everyone is going to throw me away because of my trauma, and I am so grateful.
I’m an avoidant person. And I’ve been in a relationship with an anxious style. The relationship seemed well at first but after a while it slowly went downhill as I realized I wasn’t suited for the relationship. The entire relationship left us both in bad places, and after a while I grew to resent her, and was very passive aggressive and distant. I don’t know what the point of me saying all this was but yknow
This classification is too simplistic. I often feel secure with my friends, but I can be anxious with romantic relations because I have no experience at all with a partner and when I tried to look for it I got nothing good. I am not so good to start a romantic relationship if we don’t share some moments together as friends. I have some good friends, but among them I can’t see a potential partner because there are too many factors that make the romantic relationship worse than not being a partner. I may be avoidant sometimes, but just because I don’t want to get disappointed from people that don’t show any romantic interest on me or I’m not really interested on them. One can feel secure just to the people that he or she believes can be right for him/her, but I haven’t seen him yet. So, my anxious or avoidance pattern is not something caused because of my personal attitude or personality, but as an adaptation to my typical circumstances. Being secure to build a good romatic relationship just gives you a strong sense of responsibility that for me stresses a lot and demands too much cognitive effort with usually almost no gain at the end and entails a considerable sacrifice to other aspects such as studying or working.
My attachment style was anxious until a traumatic event caused me to shift to avoidant. Now I want to get close to others without others getting close to me. I fell into the anxious-avoidant trap a few times. Edit: Wikipedia says that I’m *fearful-avoidant*. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults Dismissive-avoidant\r A dismissive-avoidant attachment style is demonstrated by those possessing a positive view of self and a negative view of others: * I am comfortable without close emotional relationships.\r * It is important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient.\r * I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me. Fearful-avoidant\r Fearful-avoidant attachment patterns of behavior are demonstrated by those possessing an unstable or fluctuating view of self and others: * I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others.\r * I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to completely trust others, or to depend on them.\r * I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to other people.
Loving this one as my mate and I are embracing them all! You fine people have brought us back together from a year long separation for which I would like to thank you profoundly. The intelligent content, compressed style and gentle tone has worked beautifully for restoring this dichotomous couple…😘❤️
Never ever try to even think about helping anyone who is emotionally or psychologically broken. Chances are you are in his condition too. You must be standing in order to lift someone who has fallen. Two fallen guys helping each other is both tragic and comic. Dont get into this. Furthermore helping a needy person is like giving a stray dog a piece of ham. It starts to follow you. It starts to expect from you to feed it. It thinks it’s your duty to do so. You become it’s asset. If the person has lost a relative or his house or his kids then it’s perfectly OK. Then it’s temporal damage. Reach out and show him that you’re there for him. Comfort him. Put up with outbursts. Allow yourself to take some emotional beating and abuse from him. He is having a nightmare. His head and heart are going out of control. Do it up to 40 days. No more. After that start to withdraw slowly but !RELENTLESSLY!, tolerating bad behavior less and less each day. If the guy is not back to normal after 6 months or a year depending on the severity of the disaster, he is just manipulating and using you. Look for signs in his behavior when you two are not talking. Right before he initiates you. Or right after you finish talking. Look if his eyes are wandering. If there is a grin. Or a smirk. Even the slightest hint. And if it’s reoccurring. Of course if it’s only once or twice it might be an accident. Wandering eyes, grins and evil looks mean he is not genuine with you. Ask questions kindly and openly. “Why are your eyes wandering around?
If we can break the link between feeling tones and craving.If we can be with the pleasant and not chase after it,with the unpleasant and not resist it.With the neutral and not ignore it,then you have cut the chain of suffering at least for a time.That is an incredible freedom and blessing. ‐Rick Hanson,Buddha’s Brain
I feel Im the anxious-avoidant type. I can see how that is my “set state” which Im happy with, Im just super suspicious and never fully trust people, thus, not wanting to let them in incase of being manipulated or used. I can also see how being like that in my previous relationships was just stressful, a recurring theme (even from my own mother) was hearing the words “you just don’t seem to care”, but in my head, I was showing I care, but just maybe not in the way they accepted?. So my current relationship I decided to take a leap of faith and be more open and not care so much about what they thought about me (which was difficult, being open to possible rejection), if they like it, they will stay, if not they will go. Has worked out so well. So now in my current relationship I would say its more of a “secure attachment” style. So, is it possible to have different attachment styles for different people? or do you have an underlying style, but are sometimes able to change for certain people?
my style started as A then my family trauma pushed me to isolate from them and instead go on a search for my own people. I decided If i make friends we can be really happy together. even if its just one. bumped me to a B. me realizing the patterns of narcissistic abuse from my family put me in a predisposition to be an easy target to other narcissists aware or unaware of their own actions. so i spent another 9+ years brushing off red flags and being my absolute best people pleaser for my one best friend. It dawned on me after we had a big fight and it literally flashed before my eyes and it was done. and now I am a c. but nobody wants to get close to me. but even if they did I wont let them because people have become predictable. I’m tired of getting hurt. I’m genuinely here still alone still getting tormented by my family and my past. what could i have possibly done wrong to make everyone use/hurt and throw me away like that. I always try and think was i the issue? but sure enough I have no regrets in the effort I gave to my friends and family. I quite literally did my absolute best within my own means still at the expense of myself to make sure they were happy. It couldn’t have been a miscommunication on love languages either because I did all i could think of. when the issue all along was I’ve never voiced an opinion on my behalf. I’ve never successfully set boundaries without them being crossed. I never stood up or protected myself. I have issues getting close to others and i cant exactly afford therapy so here i am.
Realizing I’m extremely avoidant now. I make new friends really easily, but then do everything I can to never talk or interact with them so they eventually leave me alone. I went so far as to set my discord and steam accounts to “invisible” (basically you’re online but appear as offline) so my friends wouldn’t try to invite me to play or try to join my games. I deleted all my social media as well and changed my number, so now none of my friends from my past can find me either. Friendship is just too much of a responsibility, I’m someone who will go above and beyond for my friends, and that’s exactly why I can’t have friends anymore it’s just too much work.
Human emotions are the most intricate, the most momentary and the most spontaneous. Few words or sentences can’t justify any emotion.Every one is unique. Why all are we so judgemental and busy in cages and tags . No one, cant even surely predict one’s own self .At one juncture of movement we are someone knows that is on other juncture of nanosecond someone else the same with moods and emotions and behaviours except habits. 24 hours, a whole life that has million, trillion shades. Keep calm and live every juncture of movement and emotions this is called life .
Im definitely the anxious one.. I dont tend to attack my partner though. But i do tend to stay quiet, but i do get alot of thoughts racing through my mind think that someone might swoop her up Or that this other person is just better for her. I really dislike thinking this way and i try my best to think of something else because it tends to kill my mood..
I’ve always been avoidant when it came to romantic relationships. Always always. I recently just got out of my first real relationship though. At first I was hesitant, but I liked the person so I was willing to date unlike I had been before. For the first half of the relationship I felt I really was holding myself back, but then I fell in love. It was amazing. I was enthralled and so excited by my ability to trust and love and give my heart to someone and have them hold it gently and take care of it. Although later, we experienced a relational transgression that seemed to really break my trust. I started having loads of anxiety and starting clinging and fearing the fact that we would be going into a long distance relationship soon, so we broke up cause it was taking a toll on my health. Im still in love but I fear that I’m never going to feel that again. Whether with him or with another. I’m never going to be able to let anyone in again for fear of being hurt. Despite loving each other so much, things didn’t work out. We hurt each other. It wasn’t our time. Whatever. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. I feel used but also confused and in the wrong. He was good to me, except for that one really horrible moment. I don’t know what to do.
What’s maddening is the endless push and pull of the unconscious “familiar game”. I’ve been avoidant since I was young kid. In adulthood, I gave it a shot with the anxious person bc I thought it was a safe bet to keep the clinger at arms length. It seemed like I had more leverage. Then I grew to really care and like them. Once I became less avoidant they turned the tables on me and became distant, projecting that I was using them as an “emotional crutch”. I’m fiercely independent and only reached out minimally and organically. That phrase still triggers me to this day. Lesson learned. Don’t go for the safe bet and vice versa- the one you gotta work for. Love is not proving yourself or a power game. The anxious and avoidant are like two magnets that are opposite poles at first, but once you get closer one becomes the pole that polarizes the other bc healthy closeness seems dangerous. It’s a flavor of suffering they know well from childhood. The fear of a fresh wound being stabbed again. You would just rather not…
I feel like the anxious type should work more on self-confidence to be more balanced. They gave advice for the avoidant type but it sounded like they advised the anxious type to accommodate the avoidant type which would feel very dissatisfying for the anxious type. The avoidant type also needs to work on opening up so that the anxious type will feel more loved. Overall very good article though!
To all the ‘anxious’ types out there, mindfulness can be a great tool to become more securely attached! Look up Eckhart Tolle’s website right here on YouTube. “The Power of Now” helps you un-identify with the emotional and psychological realities of your past and projections of the future. It helps you shut off your brain and see the current moment through the eyes of presence. I think where we often fail as anxious people is that we listen and believe the stories that our minds tell us, but you can empower and ground yourself in the knowledge that we are NOT our thoughts, our pasts, or our imagined futures. All we are is what we have right now, that is being present and perceiving. Disengage from WHAT you perceive and just be in the present moment without judgement or conceptualisation.
This might have been talking about romantic relationships, but it still helped me alot to realize what kind of platonic relationship I have with my best friend. I’m anxious, and they’re avoidant. I also easily attach to people, so I’ve been craving a lot of closeness with them as they’re kind of the only person I’ve been around for two whole years. Hopefully I can get around this and give them the space they need without making myself feel neglected.
I’m a mixture of both A and B, I am comfortable with people getting close to me and depending on me, and I often have a lot of people and friends around me, and make friends pretty much everywhere I go, but in relationships I feel like I could be abandoned and have a fear of abandonment (even though I become incredibly close to them and let them be close to me and see my weak parts)
I used to be anxious and my partner avoidant, now after several years the wounds of that seems to have caused a flip. Which meant for a peroid of time things were OK, but actually we were just transitioning into the opposite styles again, wounded by the ways each other adapted to fit the other. Its confusing, and we have much the same childhood trauma responses, but to have hurt each other into flipping into responses. And then reverse responses, is painful and confusing. I love her. So so much, and her me. Sometimes I wonder if we should stop dating, and then I wonder if that’s me self sabotaging. We opened our relationship and were able to love fine with that, but i found things easier with strangers, then anxiously freaked out when they’d leave, or drop them if they were anxious towards me. I just keep acting out one or the other to what is triggered. Now i want to take a break from open relationships to heal myself and to focus on this relationship, but I’m scared I’ll feel suffocated or I’ll be left abandoned and lonely again. Niether are good. She’s more anxious now, more wanting now, but is it just because she saw I could exist without her ? It’s hard to say whether or not we’re healthy and I guess stopping monogamish to focus on our primary relatiobship will help us find out. I don’t want any additional relationships when I’m dysfunctional as that’s not fair on anyone. But that’s why I question if me being with her is fair to her, either. Even though we love each other and want to work through things.
This doesnt address temporary attachment styles after “trauma” such as multiple deaths or other losses. Dating can be brutal. If one started out as secure, they can end up temporarily anxious or avoidant depending how their last relationship ended, or after multiple rejections. Secure together with an insecure person in a relationship can also mess with the secure person’s attachment style. If truly secure they will return back to secure after it’s over, grieving or taking a break. Theres also an attatchment called earned secure.
This article is old AF so nobody’s gonna see this but I don’t care. My girlfriend is more of an anxious /avoidant tending towards anxious and I am anxious/avoidant, tending towards avoidant most of the time, and we get along extremely well and rarely, if ever, have any issues. I know it’s a cop out, but it’s mostly about communication honestly. Whenever one of us is being quiet for a bit, we have made it a point to assure the other that we are not upset and we just need a bit of quiet time. After some time, we don’t even need to say it anymore and we just know. Im so lucky to have her and I love her more than anything.
I’m 40 and just started seeking therapy. I’ve always been secretly anxious inside but outwardly avoidant. I’ve got a lot of friends, some close with deep connections, some are less so. Regardless I don’t want to deal with any of them. My wife is the only one who is close enough to see my anxious b1tch seep through my I don’t give a sh1t exterior. So she bears the brunt of my insecurities, that’s what I’m focused on now. It’s hard to trust people making it impossible to want to rely on people. Therapy certainly helps. Me, my friends, my family are all to close to have a helpful perspective, that’s where my therapist is most helpful.
Every person alive has an attachment style.babies have them, 4 yr olds have them 9 year olds have them 15 year olds have them but they deny it, and 29 year old have them too. It’s called Approval and Guidance and every living resin has this in them to seek and give out. It’s part of the Human Condition ❤People needing People. It’s normal.
I love the school of life so so much but the article is technically wrong. in attachment theory literature, what they call “anxious” attachment is usually called “ambivalent” attachment. Ambivalent attachment is a style of over-attachment, but it’s also characterized by anger and/or helplessness toward the object of attachment which can create periods of avoidance. Avoidant attachment is characterized more by perceived indifference toward their object of attachment. I’ve met a lot of ambivalently attached people who think they are avoidantly attached because closeness is so painful for them. That pain, however, is a result of the ambivalence—their over-involvement leaves them wanting nearness and fatness at the same time. Avoidantly attached people don’t feel much pain or much joy regarding their attachments. To change their attachment style, they need to open up to greater levels of emotional investment in their partners. Ambivalently attached people have way too much of an emotional investment in their partners, which creates fear, anger, insecurity, and perceived helplessness. it’s also worth noting that one’s attachment style is determined by the relationship one had with their primary caregiver. If you want to better understand your own attachment style, one should look back to their parental relationships. Were your parents emotionally distant? Did they rarely communicate emotions and, when they did, were their statements short and terse? Then you might have an avoidant attachment style.
Relationships are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.
I’m an an avoidant and my ex was anxious and very insecure. He needed me to constantly demonstrate my feelings through words and kisses. It was very exhausting for me but he couldn’t understand that I just don’t feel comfortable doing those things all the time and I like to express affection in other ways. We eventually broke up but man, dating the opposite side is hard and frustrating af.
I feel like I have a toggle switch that goes between “anxious” and “avoidant”. I’m naturally “anxious” but past experiences have punished me for that, so I flip the switch and turn to being “avoidant” in a relationship. Then, when I feel it is safe to come out, I can flip the switch back again. But as far as my dating partners can see, I just became a different person than they first thought.
“As a human being, you have no choice about the fact that you need a philosophy. Your only choice is whether you define your philosophy by a conscious, rational, disciplined process of thought and scrupulously logical deliberation — or let your subconscious accumulate a junk heap of unwarranted conclusions, false generalizations, undefined contradictions, undigested slogans, unidentified wishes, doubts and fears, thrown together by chance, but integrated by your subconscious into a kind of mongrel philosophy and fused into a single, solid weight: self-doubt, like a ball and chain in the place where your mind’s wings should have grown.” ~ Ayn Rand, Philosophy: Who Needs It, 5
I am an avoidant, have been in a relationship with this boy I really cherish however once i get home i get moody and start overthinking: I rant about how i need my space and to go at my pace, I start being avoidant and scared of them overstepping my boundaries although they have been nothing but respectful to me. It sucks and I wish it will get better with time
trauma makes these attachment types even stronger and the reactions from others even more difficult and scary to navigate. It takes a lot of work to see someones anger arising from their own insecurity as just that rather than as someone scaring you into giving them what they want. rather than just as another person using you as a dumpster for their anger. Rather than feeling all over again unlovable and bad for making a mistake or doing something unintentional that led to anger or upset in their partner. its really important to pay attention to how people CHOOSE to express their insecurity (remember its always a choice.) its important to know when to forgive, how to navigate being triggered and feeling like youre literally being abused all over again. im still trying to figure that out. I think i am majorly avoidant type, and my first an only relationship was with what im guessing a more anxious type. I remember immediately when we expressed our interest in one another they started saying “I love you”. And called me his girlfriend. It made me so uncomfortable but i was passive (still working on that) and i just went along with it because i didnt want to upset him. I also didnt understand what i understand now about relationships, how they work, and what i want from them. Anyway,i remember one day we were on the phone, (probably a few weeks to a month after ‘dating’) and he says randomly “i love you”. and I think in that moment i was listening to my own feelings of uncomfortability, because i didnt respond, i got scared, didnt know what to say because i didnt really feel that way.
I am very stable as far as attachments . But my husband is definitely anxious attachment. His parents are great people they were definitely more strict and a little more distant than mine were I had what most of these articles considered the ideal parents. I didn’t really appreciate how lucky I was until I got older and I understood that the other kids didn’t have parents like I had.
I am the anxious style while my Partner is the avoidant style. We have been friends for 5 years before we became a couple 6 years ago so we half way saw what the other one struggled with in relationships and somewhat knew what we walked into which is a big helper. Not that it isn’t difficult sometimes, our “styles” still sometimes – rarely, but it happens – clash when one or both of us have a harsh time with ourself, but we always manage to talk things through and work it out. Understanding yourself and your Partner to an extend is pretty crucial to that tho I’d say. But it can work and make a wonderful relationship. He’s my best friend, my lover and my Partner in crime.
I think they mixed up anxious and avoidant halfway through the article, or they told us the wrong info to start. I think it makes more sense for option b to be called anxious and option c to be called avoidant. Edit: never mind they labeled the square as option b which made sense with the cartoons. 1:58
i think at first i would be a secure type then later on when my s/o is showing signs of an anxious type…i would slowly turn into an avoidant type 😔 i have tried to understand the anxious type but it just didn’t work out in the end…and so we broke up. i felt like such a bad person for not knowing how to deal with an anxious type, but now i know that i’m just as hurt too <3 lolloloolollll