Toxic marriages can result from various factors, but five main causes often contribute to their toxicity: poor communication, unresolved conflicts, lack of sympathy/respect/trust, and overdependence. These issues can lead to frustration, resentment, and a toll on self-esteem. Research in 2020 revealed that the most frequently given reasons for divorce were lack of love/intimacy, communication issues, and unreliable partners.
Toxic marriages are characterized by persistent jealousy, lack of support, and feeling like you must walk on eggshells around your partner. It is essential to talk with healthy couples and limit interaction with toxic couples. Overdependence is another sign of a toxic marriage, where the toxic person’s partner is expected to make all decisions, allowing them to blame for any issues.
Nothing makes them happy, and in-laws may find fault with everything you do, say, wear, or accomplish. Persistent jealousy, lack of support, and feeling like you must walk on eggshells around your partner may be signs of an unhealthy relationship. Support is available if you need to leave.
In a toxic marriage, you are seldom allowed to communicate your feelings, needs, and perspectives, and your spouse may belittle, dismiss, or scoff at any fair attempt to express yourself.
Toxic marriages can also result from strong negative feelings, a failure to listen to one another’s needs, mistrust, and a dread of one another’s actions. To address these issues, it is crucial to seek help from experts on abuse and seek support from a professional counselor.
📹 10 Signs YOUR Relationship is Toxic
While healthy relationships have ups and downs, both partners generally feel loved, respected, and emotionally safe. If you are in …
How do I know when to stop trying in a marriage?
If you’ve stopped trying, there’s no emotional or physical connection, you have different goals, you no longer trust each other, you can’t imagine a future together, there’s constant conflict or abuse, it’s time to end the relationship. If your relationship has been hard, you might ask: Is your relationship worth saving? Relationships can be tricky. One minute you’re happy, the next you’re alone. If you’re in a relationship and thinking about leaving, there are some things to think about first. You might ask yourself:
Does this person make your life better?; How long have you been together?; Have you been through hard times together?
How do I tell if I’m the toxic one?
A toxic person is often a liar, selfish, and manipulative. If you want things to go your way without caring about the other person, you may lie, make false promises, break promises, and manipulate to get what you want. You may lie and act only for yourself, not for the other person. This may result in short-term relationships until you realise how this affects others.
What is the number one thing that destroys a marriage?
1. Lack of honesty. We often think of honesty in a very tangible way, like telling the truth about where you were last night. While this is important, there are other kinds of dishonesty that can destroy marriages. Not being honest about spending, internet relationships, or substance use or addiction can cause problems in a marriage. If we keep secrets, we might start having secret lives with other people or substances. These can become more important than our partners. Our partners can’t compete with these secret lives, and marriages fail. Affairs often start this way. Affairs often start because of a lack of emotional honesty. Emotional dishonesty is when we don’t tell the truth about how we feel about our partner, our marriage, or ourselves. If we say we’re fine when we’re not, we’re being dishonest.
Am I the toxic one in my marriage?
If you often threaten to end the relationship, lie, insult your partner, act jealous, and don’t let them spend time with family or friends, you may be the toxic one.
When you feel your marriage is falling apart?
6. You start disconnecting emotionally. Lack of empathy is another sign of a failing marriage. A marriage is about two people working together. But what if you stop empathizing with your partner? You may start feeling that your spouse’s problems are not yours and distance yourself from them. Your partner might try to connect with you, but you don’t want to get involved. This happens when you feel your partner doesn’t value your views.
7. Two negatives don’t make a positive. Married couples should be respectful and cheerful with each other. Couples argue sometimes, but they don’t insult each other. If your arguments with your spouse seem more like quarrels than discussions, your marriage may be in trouble.
What is a toxic wife like?
Toxic people belittle their partners. They make fun of them in front of others or dismiss their ideas. Another common trait is anger. Any disagreement leads to a bad temper, making it hard to interact. Some people exert control by making their partner feel guilty. A toxic person might express disappointment if their partner goes back to school, making them feel guilty. A toxic partner overreacts to situations and needs constant reassurance. Such people often ignore their partners’ concerns and make everything about them. Narcissists seek drama and will make wild accusations or be excessively argumentative. Among the signs of a toxic marriage is an overdependence. The toxic person’s partner makes all the decisions. If things go wrong, they are to blame. This type of passivity is a way of exerting control in a marriage. An unreliable partner is also toxic because they don’t keep their promises. An overly jealous and possessive person can be toxic because they are suspicious and controlling. A selfish person drains their partner’s energy because they always want more. You could make them a fancy dinner, but they’ll find fault with the wine. If you recognize these signs in your partner, read on to learn how they affect your health. How Toxic Relationships Affect Your Mental Health. Married people live longer and recover from illness more quickly. But it’s also true the other way around. Studies show that conflict in marriage affects both physical and mental health. Stress from a toxic relationship can cause sleep problems, changes in appetite, and a weaker immune system.
What are signs of a bad marriage?
You don’t talk much. There’s no intimacy. You’d rather be with friends than your partner. Everything they do bothers you. You’re emotionally distant. You have different values, beliefs, and goals. You criticize, disrespect, defend, and ignore each other. Being in a relationship is hard. Many couples forget the promise they made on their wedding day. People don’t just fall out of love. Problems often build up slowly, testing the basics of a relationship. People often file for divorce because of unreasonable behavior, infidelity, or financial problems.
How do I tell if I’m the problem?
If you’re hot-headed, you might be the toxic one in your relationship. … You think your partner is inferior. … You avoid conflict. … You’re obsessed with social media. … You don’t take responsibility. … Your friends tell you what to do. You put your own needs first. Most people want to be in love and have happy relationships, but many marriages end in divorce. Many singles wonder what went wrong. We often blame our partners for our relationship problems, which may or may not be valid. Maybe you need to look at your own behavior. Here’s how to know if you’re the toxic one in your relationship.
Is my partner toxic or am I?
Toxic vs. Healthy Behavior. To see if a relationship is toxic, look at the behaviors that happen most often. If you or your partner are selfish, negative, or disrespectful, you could be creating toxicity in the relationship. If you’re mostly encouraging, compassionate, and respectful, there might be issues that create toxicity.
It’s important to recognize if you or your partner are toxic. Here are some signs of toxic and healthy behaviors.
What is a silent divorce?
A silent divorce is a gradual separation between couples. It’s when the love and connection between two people slowly erodes, leaving them feeling like roommates.
How do I know if I am the problem in my marriage?
If you don’t communicate and don’t let your partner work through issues, that’s bad. Not listening, interrupting, not letting your partner speak, and being impatient is also problematic.
Argumentative. Have you been called out for always looking for arguments? Do you often focus on problems instead of finding solutions? Do you try to catch your partner out during an argument, or do you expect the best of them? Some people fight because they crave attention but don’t know how to ask for it. Some people don’t know how to express their feelings, so they get angry. Some people get into arguments because they’re bored.
What are the 4 pillars of unhappy marriage?
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by John Gottman, Ph.D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia. She is a certified Gottman therapist and director and therapist at A Better Life Therapy. She got her master’s in couples and family therapy from Thomas Jefferson University.
. The research shows that differences in background, age, or opinions don’t make or break relationships. It’s how people communicate that affects a relationship the most. One important finding is a set of communication habits called The Four Horsemen.
Gottman named these four communication habits after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Christian Bible. The four horsemen—conquest, war, hunger, and death—signaled the end of times. If you use Gottman’s Four Horsemen a lot, your relationship is likely to become unstable and unhappy. It will probably end.
📹 How to Recognize a Toxic Relationship
How To recognize a toxic relationship. That’s what I discuss in this video. I give you 10 red flags to recognize a toxic relationship …
Sums up a 6 year relationship I was in with a girl who had strong traits of BPD. Deep down I knew it had to end, and wanted to break up, but just couldn’t pull the trigger. A part of me really cared about her and our bond was very strong. One year after another went by… I don’t know what I got myself into (first relationship), but 6 years bonding, of intermittent reinforcement, and forming all sorts of memories together, made the inevitable break up extremely hard. It was heartbreaking, and after 1.5 years apart, the day I said goodbye is still burned into my memory. She’ll forever remember that time in her life as the worst thing that’s ever happened to her, a complete mistake, and me as a monster. I never meant to hurt her… but I just had to do it. I’m not entirely sure why, but I still think of her everyday, while she moved on rather quickly.
Thank you very much for this… I am an older man who was once married to a woman for 15 years … 3 kids… then a divorce that devastated me… I bounced from relationship to relationship for 13 years..some 2 years some 2 months… of the many, only one ended unpleasantly… I met a woman while walking my dog 3.5 years ago… she was younger but we clicked… intelligent, attractive, funny, and a therapist… we quickly move in together, she got pregnant, we got married… she is very intelligent, and seemingly kind… but it has grown progressively worse and worse. I have a fairly strong constitution and sense of self, but I have allowed this to degenerate to the point where I do not behave at all like the person I have always known myself to be… I am drained emotionally, and have zero empathy for any of her unreasonable outpouring of sorrow… I have no stressors in my life besides her… i had an awesome life before i met her, and I’m sure i will again. She refuses to give up and keeps alternating between love bombing, and horrible threats and insults.. she essentially refuses to let me divorce her… I don’t know what to do. I fear for the mental health of our child if she gets custody. She comes across as put together and is well spoken, but in private she is completely emotionally disregulated and abusive.
Insults, criticism, contempt and anger – none of these are healthy. No matter how ‘sweet’ they were in the beginning, the dark, enraged and sullen person is the true one. It’s shocking how you can get sucked into such dysfunction, and then how hard it is to get out. You can be very scared to leave as well, suppressed rage and implied violence is very real, but you do have to leave. I found that pretending to appreciate his great emotional support and commitment during a time of great need, how much I valued his ‘being there’ and helping me through a fictitious medical situation, and how grateful I was for his continued love and support – that since he was not willing to do any of that, he distanced himself from me and eventually left. I made him leave me, because otherwise I was afraid of his anger and violence if I forcefully left him. I wanted him to think it was his decision, that felt safer to me, sadly. I encourage anyone else to use that technique as well, it works.
Thanks so much! I was cleaning, changed the sheets, washed the dirty sheets, moved night stands, cleaned all the dust bunnys and wiped down the dust from furniture. Because I couldn’t do this the way it would please her she started yelling and telling me how stupid I am. No thanks at all. So what the hell is this bs.
I drank a beer one hour earlier than promised after a close friend died. The result was screaming and crying telling me I’ve messed her whole life up ect. Throwing and breaking things. I mean… I was just a loss for words. And whilst she says I’m stonewalling her, when she doesn’t even know the meaning of the word. I just don’t talk to people that don’t listen.
The part that mostly resonates with me is the on ebaout feeilng trapped and drained. I honestly know not what to do, lacking the proper tools. My approach has been to meet the challenge head-on. You wanna try and make a fight out of thin air? Bring it on. I’ll give you more than you ever bargained for. Being completely intransigent. It may sound bad, but I do try to still keep myself in check and hold myself accountable. If that doesn’t work, well I guess there wasn’t much there to save in the first place.
8:16 … this is the ultimate litmus test that I self discovered only months ago. I wish I’d seen your website so much earlier in my journey to understand what was going on. Thank you for your work and focus. It has really helped me understand my situation and myself much better. Given me hope for recovery and motivation to seek counseling to be an even better version of myself again.
Thank you so much for this article. We met in middle school got pregnant in high school and around 20 years later kids are grown. I am tired. She still brings up things from when I was 16 years old. I try to be a good man. I had terrible parents. I really tried to be the best husband/father I could be. I cook, clean, am the main provider, supported her through getting 2 degrees. She hates all my family and I don’t have many friends. We have different personalities but she has always tried to change me. I accepted her as she was pros & cons. I am tired and literally just want to be alone at this point. At least I would have peace. I felt guilt because I wanted to leave and felt like I was abandoning my family. But my kids are big now and they know me by now. Your article really help me see many if not most of these issues we have had. They don’t go away typically. They get worse.
I never knew about love bombing or mirroring til my last covert narc gf..I thought she just really liked me..she flattered and complemented me constantly (it was kinda cringey at times) and i never knew a woman with such i high sex drive..last July we broke up tho,we had spent a really nice weekend at the beech..that Monday she asked me to come see her but I was working..I couldn’t keep up the attention she wanted unless I stopped doing stuff for myself so we broke up…by the fallowing weekend she was already in a new relationship! 🙁 she posted endless pics of her kissing him then on fb..and married him after only 4 months!?..like wtf!?.who gets married so fast?..and as for me well I still haven’t got back to myself because of rumination and now its nearly march 2023..ive spoken to my friends about this and they havebt a clue what im going on about…but lise your articles are without doubt the best understanding ive got on you tube.. kind regards from Mark in dublin Ireland 🇮🇪
Another perspective (I know she made a disclaimer already): Almost everyone is in a toxic relationship, because most people have all these toxic traits, because our parents did too and we’re trying to heal from it. The key is trying to figure out whether the behavior is coming from trauma (it usually always is) and whether there’s a willingness to work on it.
Hi Miss Lise, I was dating a guy whom at the start of our dating told me he was still in contact with an ex who happened to be his best friend now and was also Friends with benefits with. I let that pass but when it came to a time that he was spending more time with her than with me, I told him that it seems I am less of his priority and since we are still on the dating stage, it would make sense if we spend more time getting to know each other. He said he would adjust and make time for us but it was always me who was initiating dates and meetings, which in turn I told him that it’s unfair that I always initiate and he doesn’t. Later on another female friend appeared to whom I saw he was talking on a daily basis. He said it was just a friend and that she sometimes goes to his apartment. Which made me really furious! It reminded me of my ex who had female friends and turned out one or two of them he fell in love with while I was still in his life. These moments triggered that trauma. I told him about my triggers and I told him to establish boundaries between him and his female friends! I told him to tell his female friends to stop going to his place and him stop from saying yes and as much as possible only message if it’s important or urgent. This has been our topic of fights and makes me feel like I am a very toxic person. We always openly talk about almost everything and we are not walking on eggshells. But to me, I am pushing him to put boundaries which he didn’t recognize before was a necessity.
I’ve been married I believe to a absolute case study of one of the best covert narcissists she has fooled so many counselors.I know it take two to tango I have faults it wasn’t until I got therapy that I seen my part in the relationship my thinking has changed but I’m still eager to learn to get more knowledge of right and wrong thinking . I’ve changed she has not changed she everyone buffaloed I’ve helped to make it that way by isolating myself to hide and face the problem, but trying to talk to her is a complete waste of time, I honestly dont remember one time that there was or is a resolution to any thing my question is there a therapist ear Muncie indiana that deal with covert narcissist. Thank you
I know I’m not a Narcissist because after a relationship I realized I was gas lighting myself. After the break up I found myself thinking and feeling in a way I didn’t recognize….it was bad. Well, after more time had gone by I don’t know if they are a Narc or borderline or whatever but it seems that I was idealized then discarded me. They his more than I realized and I was blamed or something I’m still not sure it was confusing. One day I was the one for them a couple weeks later I was tossed aside and it seemed to me they wanted to know how messed up they hurt me….I still don’t really know or I do but my emotional thinking keeps me stuck and addicted. Damn it. Argh. I know I’m posting and going and going but I hate how this affected me so awfully and I still get so confused.
I appreciate your articles. I have a question about one of your other going into the PHIL techicque. I was PHIL’d. In 9 out of 10 ways you said. It home when you mentioned how I was told I was the Only Person in the World who could Understand and Safe her. Starting conflicts, etc. Not to mention the now spoken about techiques Narcs use such as Future Planning, Bread Crumbing, etc. My Narc Girl did all those, textbook. perusal these articles learning of this has been amazing. Yet my question is??? How and Where do the Narcs Learn these Techinques and the fact so many of them use these same techiques. Like they all took the same class or read the manual. This is high level emotional manipulation that is in many case 7 to 10 steps in the doing. I get how someones could coincidently use 1 or 2 of the same techinques. Yet 7 to 10, in the exact order that they all seem to use seem too much to be coincidental. Any idea how or where they pick up or learn these tactics? Thank you.
When the therapist that your wife talked you in to going to (for both couples and personal) therapy sees a generated list about “5 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship” that your wife text bombed you and says, “wow, this list describes everything that i can see she has been doing to you based on the couples and personal therapies”. I went because she (wife) sees the therapist on her own and thinks she is really good. When the therapist said this to me, i felt so validated, but also so sad, depressed, ashamed, because i had let this happen to me for so many years because i so loved my wife (and still do) and hoped that we could finally make things work by going to couples therapy. That my wife would stop berating me, accusing me of doing something that i had not done; sometimes the very things that she had done and then projected on to me. I also noticed that my wife started to threatened to quit going after she felt that the therapist was taking my side during couples therapy. I didn’t see it as the therapist taking anyones side. Just trying to help push us into actively listening to each other’s feelings, opinions, thoughts, etc. Needless to say, we are seperated now (my wife’s idea) and we fo thru periods where we do not talk at all and then my wife will call or text for money or whatever. Then she’ll get mad at me because after 38 years, I am finally learning to set boundaries. Then she acts like I am the problem and won’t speak to me for several more days, until she wants something again.
I’ve been with a narcissist we have 4 children she has 1 from a previous relationship who I love and consider mine. Her ex BF was a drug addict that just totally destroyed who she was broke her down to nothen he used sex as a weapon. Fast forward I was used as a rebound the sex was great everything a man would fantasize about everyday. She never got help and I inherited damaged goods. She gives me no attention she feels like she does t have to give me sex she blames me for everything. She uses my kids as spy’s to report to her if I said anything. I have no idea what to do . She knows personal things about me that she will use as weapons. She has kids manipulated to think I’m an abuser. I’m trapped.
So, i’ve never experienced a healthy relationship. Does that mean i’m the toxic person? Didn’t see that one coming i guess. Yes, i do believe i have a problem and i believe it has to do with me not being able to have healthy boundaries. I’ve recently been diagnosed with adhd as an adult. Living all my life undiagnosed didn’t work very well for my self worth. Only now do i start to see why i seem to attract narcissists, bipolar and people with related issues. Because i’ve got so you used to getting negative feedback and being the problem i just couldn’t have healthy boundaries out of fear of rejection. So no, i never experienced a healthy relationship and also no i’m not a toxic person i think.
Are you saying that if you haven’t had a relationship that was more than 3 yrs then you are the toxic one? It doesn’t seem fair. What if you only had a couple relationships and they were narcissistic? Or what if you just aren’t that desirable? It seems like potentially bad advice when people look to your website. It’s almost like gaslighting. Just saying. Seems off
Lise, I am a 69 year old dad who raised his two brillian daughters from infancy, to be intelligent, strong, independent women. I explained to them before each of them started Kindergarten that women passed men in attaining college degrees in 1981, and that the pace of increase was accelerating. I respect you Lise, but as a digital artist with 40 years experience it bothers me that you feel the need to put a photograph of yourself looking stressed on each of your articles. Please own the fact you are an incredibly beautiful, and intelligent woman who should not need to cover up an unavoidable fact, just be yourself Lise. Beauty does not by itself indicate stupidity in women, sorry but you do not come across as the dumb bimbo type. You are good enough Lise!
I’ve seperated myself from two toxic relationships today. My mother. And my son’s father. We were living under one roof. I know I’ve made the right move. I want to attract an healthy emotionally intimate relationship. I need a therapist. We need a home. I am chasing stability on so many different levels. Pray for me, y’all.
I was about to write CRITICISM when she said “opinionated” and mentioned it after. this is the biggest lesson I learned from my past relationship. if they tend to not shy away from saying things they don’t like about how you are, what you do or who you are (and I’m not talking about deal breakers, I’m talking about minor things like them not liking how you phrased something that was intended to soothe them, or not liking how you express joy and excitement etc.). Healthy people aren’t in default critic mode! They are focused on lifting you up, not nitpicking whatever it is they don’t like about you
Being a co-dependent people-pleaser leaves one open to toxicity. I know. I lived them. Dr. Marks hit every nail on the head. When one extremely toxic relationship ended up with me in the hospital sick as a dog.. that’s when I had to pull up the courage inside of me and say: Enough. I am keeping this disaster going. It’s up to me to walk away. We do have to look at what part we play, like Dr. Marks says.
All of this is spot on! But when you have a 40 plus year marriage that was good the first 35…..then the accusations, the belittling, the anger, the unwarranted lack of trust, the manipulative controlling ….it gets really hard to separate your lives when there are not only adult children, but grandchildren involved. I don’t know anymore where he ends and I start. .
I left for my own peace. Yes people do change with time. His chronic anger 🤬, relentless sarcasm, and controlling nature broke me down in four years. If I stand for myself..he calls me narcissistic, manipulator, blames me for worsening the relationship, demeans me. Omg every single point in this article is so true. I left this toxic relationship and feels so peaceful… I observed that he won’t do anything to mend the relationship. There is never a closure.
For anyone perusal this who is scared of the fallout once you start to take action to distance yourself or change your behaviors: Don’t hold yourself back from pursuing happiness for fear of someone else’s reaction. You cannot control how they respond, but it will more than likely tell you whether or not this is someone you want to keep in your life after all. If they leave you on your journey of growth, that says more about them than it does about you.
“if you grew up around someone who did some of these things, you may find yourself being attracted to similar people even though you don’t like their behavior” I can relate. My dad was toxic not just to my mom but to me as well. And I always end up being with someone toxic. It’s really hard for me to let go of the relationship because of the memories and because of his optimism for our future despite the situation. And I tend to get excited and fall for the cycle again and again… I really do hope that one day, I’ll have the courage to let it go. For my own sake at least.
your article made me realize how toxic I am being even when I am not intending to be 🙁 I’ve been asking of someone I care about « why why why » of an important decision they made. And I haven’t stopped. It’s something I genuinely didn’t understand their reason behind, but I think at the end of the day I’m asking it only to change their mind. thanks for the clarity.
This is the best article. My ex had every single one of these 10 red flags. Her extreme mood swings, her constant barrage of degrading comments about me, her total self centeredness was nothing like I’ve ever experienced. It totally shook my world. And the worst part is that whenever I would get upset or try to talk to her about the way she acts towards me, she would label me as being ‘hypersensitive’, ‘such a little princess’, etc. But the kicker was that when I would leave her or break up with her, she would then completely love bomb me, then manipulate me into getting back together with her by lying that she will change her ways, and then the cycle started all over again. Now, just recently we broke up for good. The very next day she is dating a new man who she was already lining up without me knowing, and 2 days later they were sleeping together. It’s been an extremely painful and degrading experience being with this person.
Some years back a therapist shocked me into acknowledging a deep truth about my mother. “Donna, when are you going to realize your mother is just superficial?” Yes, it shocked me. But it also liberated me from gallery expectations. Thanks for reminding me. And, again, listening to you forces me to acknowledge that my ex guy just doesn’t want to accept a nine year “relationship” is a relationship at all.
Rage, chronic sarcasm, important points of change remaining unchanged, blame, controlling nature, ill treatment of others they perceive as lesser same request over and over, they don’t hear, though they listen! A predominant self centeredness. All 🚩! Thank you Dr, familiarity breeds comfortable feelings in distraction. Double messages, I adore you as you are/if you changed X you’d be perfect…. Feeling weird or that things are off, is because they are off. Statements like “your perfect, your exactly like me!” Define your reasons for staying, change your role then observe where your at emotionally at after a healthy change!
Thank you for this. All tips here are very true. I was once in a relationship where my partner repeatedly pushed me to do stuff I already said no to. I later realised that these things she asked weren’t really about me but her own comfort/wants. This I suppose is another form of manipulation, where someone suggests something you should both do but in essence it’s what they really want regardless of what you want. Sincerity is both of you coming to an agreement jointly or respectfully agreeing to disagree without letting it harm your relationship.
Wish I would have had the courage to dig deeper into your website earlier, Dr. Marks. After perusal this article I’ve come to understand that I was the problem. I only wish I knew to what extent I was the problem sooner. I’ve gone ahead and lost everyone already. Thank you for enlightening me and so many others. Bless you and may you continue to be able to do your work.
10/10 Wow! Your really don’t realize how bad it is until you get out. The technique that helped me was, every time he would say something negative, no matter what it was or why, I would silently say to myself, “I am enough.” Repeating that kept me sane, made me feel stable, and eventually I started to believe it. Those words gave me the strength the escape.
This article is so helpful! My ex had some of these traits and I’ve ended up developing some of the traits on this list too. It’s scary seeing how choosing to stay such a relationship can change who you are. Acknowledging the ways in which I also perpetuated the toxic environment is hard to accept but I’m working on of my issues because I’m really looking forward to enjoying a healthier relationship one day.
I was diagnosed Bipolar five years ago and I was reluctant to take my medications until I finally got a hipomanic episode that made me change. Your articles have helped me a lot to do some process of self acceptance and I appreciate this a lot especially when finding continuous mental health help when it come to this matter is really hard and expensive in my homecountry. Thank god there’s a psichiatric hospital I can go and they do an amazing job, they nailed it with Lithium Carbonate. I really like the article when you talk about emotions and the red flags on a toxic relationship plus the detox last part. This really helped me in terms of reassuring some of my personality and selfsteem issues. You are a YouTube philanthropist by doing these informational articles. It really helps me out to uncode some hipomanic episodes I have been though all my life. Thanks.
My boyfriend of 10years actually has driven me insane.I hate the blaming me,that’s the worst.I was perusal this while he was in the room,I cud feel the tension and his face screwed up and he walked out the room.I actually left him and went to a friends for 2weeks,he love bombed me back.Stupid me hey?And after about 8 days he went back to his old self.This is the cycle.I actually have thoughts of ringing his neck,lol I’m planning to leave him Asap.i have a flat I’m going to run away to,I’m leaving him for good.I need to be free.Wish me luck people 😓
This resonates for me specifically what you said about not having an intimate relationship with parents. It’s like my mom and I can talk about all kinds of stuff under the sun yet when it comes to her being supportive or even acknowledging my chronic pain she is damn near dismissive and says rude stuff …as per usual and yet I’m the one with the issue. Makes it challenging to connect or want to. I also find myself living with my ex and it’s very toxic. Literally everything you mentioned happens, specifically the gift given. I received something the other day and it did not feel good. Sigh! I’m grateful for this article specifically as well as your others. I no longer feel Its all in my head and I’m tripping.
I dated someone who I believe has border personality disorder. We eventually ended the relationship because she realized she would get angry with me very easily. I also felt like I was walking on egg shells with her. If I communicated something with her it was taken so hard. I loved her so much and didn’t want to end it over that. But now that I haven’t been with her for 7 months I feel a sense of relief. I don’t have to deal with the walking on egg shells. I am still very much in love with her…
This is my father 110% and was me as well until just barely over half a year ago. I was severely toxic in all of the ways listed in this article and more. Proudly, I became extremely self aware and self reflective, got some professional help, stayed with non-toxic family, and have changed my life nearly 180 degrees. Thanks to websites like this one this was possible. Change is hard, and rare, but I promise it is totally doable if you really put in the work.
You answered a few things for me. Thanks for the clarity. I’m literally taking a break from a friendship right now. And I’m realizing certain things I wasn’t seeing in the relationship and to be honest I feel a bit less anxiety even though I still feel anxious and unsure and maybe a bit scared to feel hurt because I care. But I hear you when u say to interact at a minimal level I think that is clever and productive.
I’m really thankful to have found your website,you touched on so many things I’ve been through. I’m finally working on the hardest job ever and that’s loving myself! When you know better you do better and attract better. I also realize I can’t change how someone treats me but I can control the role I play and walking away and silence is the best form of gaining peace and sanity. Blessings and Best regards Dr in all your endeavors!
My ex-girlfriend is a master manipulator. She has most, if not all, of the traits you mentioned too. Her mother is the same. Thanks for confirming that I wasn’t wrong for leaving her. She still, 5 weeks on, won’t accept my decision to leave and tries to contact me constantly to manipulate me (using identical language as in your article to the point that it’s laughable) to go back to her. She is the definition of toxic and I’m surprised her previous relationship lasted 16 years. I feel sorry for that guy. Luckily I got out in less than a year, relatively unscathed, and learnt a valuable life lesson.
10 Red Flags of a Toxic Relationship Chronic Anger Sarcasm Disparaging humor Punitive mindset Controlling nature Excessive insecurity Opinionated Manipulator Self-centeredness On the offense 4 ways to Detox a Relationship Take a break from interactions w/ the person Create emotional distance Look at your contribution See a Professional
I like what you say about don’t internalize their negative opinion of you. Absolutely critical! Never take it to heart. Because they’re projecting. It’s not constructive criticism either. I feel someone who genuinely cares about you that isn’t using you, manipulating, playing you for fool, doesn’t try to bring you down. They boost you up, encourage and make you happy. And they never want to be the cause of your pain..
Took a break from my best friend, we started hanging out again recently, now I realize I don’t even want the friendship, due to them being extremely toxic. The break made me realize how horrible they are to me. I felt better when I wasn’t their friend. So I think I’ll slowly start distancing myself 🙂
I’ve been toxic in my relationship I’ll admit it. After perusal this article made realize it even more and it’s not okay at all. I hope whoever is going through the same thing I went through that they grow out of it because it’s not good for any relationship or friendship. It’s up to you if you wanna change your behavior nobody else could do it for you but guide you to the right path.
I just wanted to say thank you for your articles and advice. Your content is truly helpful for many of us. I can say that I am in a better place, and I have more trust in my decisions, thanks to you. I am grateful for your content because even with a paid therapist, your articles and advice offer and different perspective. I wish you a happy a blessed file. Your work is priceless, and I wish there was a way to recognize the great work someone like you is providing to thousands of people who needs it and may not know whet to go. Best Regards, J. Cespedes
It took me a long time to recognize these signs, but when I left- it became one of the most liberating and freeing experiences in my life. I found out more authentically who I was, and my perception of self stopped being skewed by someone who said they loved me, but only under the condition I molded into his expected perception. I am authentically my self, no altered perceptions attached. If you are in a toxic relationship, know that it is incredibly confusing and difficult when you are in it to leave- you start to see all of the good and to minimize the bad. But the sadness and confusion lifts, and you can see clearly in time. <3
I find your article tutorials very rewarding. I am suffering from lots of attachment and abuse problems from childhood and unfortunately this has not me develope into a full filled adult. Realistic I know this now but I am not living my midlife a little lost. On the bright side I care and respect everyone in my life like I would like to be respected. Your article blogs have helped me realise my pain. Thank you
I have always been like ‘give toxic people a piece of their own medicine’ until I realised that that’s how I get emeshed in tge reversed psychology. Thank you for this article doc. I am starting to master the art of no response and seeing how that doesn’t internalise and poison me. In South Africa there’s a great saying by our legend Rolihlahla Nelson Mandela “Resentment is like drinking poison and wishing the other person dies.” ♡
Wow It’s Amazing With Mediation and Enlightening Oneself after listening to three of your articles one the divine smiled on me because I took about seven years and peeled back the layers and I truly feel that if it was for that deep heartbreak manipulation situation I wouldn’t have taken the time to do it and listening to you today for the first time but definitely be following moving forward Salute U Queen First The Information You Convey Is Transparent Amazing Take Bow
I found that In my seven years of being with my fiancé, It was in the final year that I realized I had been blind to the toxicity she had had over me all of these years, and it took me perusal articles like this and a lot of my own research for me to finally realize that the toxicity was always right in front of me, and I never looked there. Sometimes the things we fail to see, were right in front of us the whole time. Instead of being angry at your spouse, thank them, because their toxicity allowed you to grow and gain knowledge about you as a person, which gave you the chance to truly figure out what you want in a relationship, and it was not that.
Id like to say, the way you’ve constructed your website is amazing, you present a concept then clear the air about any misconceptions then continue to direct with other articles related to the original topic. Its a informational rabbit hole of self grow, that or im diagnosing myself with disorders that i don’t have hahaha ether way great experience :p
Watching that message is pretty scary for me because I feel like I have been the toxic person in my marriage (which has now failed). I don’t check all of the boxes that you discuss but I really don’t want to be that sort of person who scares others. I’ve made a note of the topics you covered and I am going to discuss them with my psychologist. Thank you so much for producing these articles, I have watched quite a number of them and have found your knowledge and insight to be very helpful. Please be encouraged and continue your good work. Peter
My husband has 7 out of 10 characteristics. I feel he lives 2 personalities where one is a loving one that flips into a toxic one any moment. I am scared of the toxic one and it has deeply impacted me while always attracted to the loving one that keeps us along. But its really difficult to predict when both the characters switch.
Thank you. perusal this article was the push I needed to recognize my own role in my toxic relationship. I was so focused on my anger that I blamed the other person entirely. The truth is I am acting destructively and hurting people I care about. This article helped me realize how important it is to begin with my own behavior.
Thank you so very much this is going be very helpful for me because I have a lot of relationships like that and they made me feel guilty about myself and make me start becoming like them now .I know that I can finally break the cycle. Please continue making articles like this I greatly appreciate your articles!
This was not long at all…I found myself perusal/listening to every word. I wasn’t a subscriber before this article, but I am now. This was so enlightening and increased myself awareness of my own situation. Especially my role in triggering my partner’s challenges in our toxic relationship. Thank you💜
Absolutely fantastic advice and information! 💚✌🏻 Thank you so much for sharing all you do! You are an angel! Been in so much pain, emotional and physical for so long and I can’t afford the type of help you have offered for the emotional and mental side of things so thank you! Wishing you (and those who are here learning) much peace, love, happiness, good emotional, mental and physical health!
This article has really helped me affirm keeping distance from family members. I moved away a long time ago and became much more well adjusted with that distance between me and a toxic parent. I had to move near them again and the damage was vast especially because I could now see their behaviour for exactly what it was. It’s extremely sad to have to control your behaviour towards a parent as they are supposed to make you feel safe but i learned that I actually feel extremely uncomfortable and like I’m being manipulated when I’m around them. The pandemic has really not helped as many people have actually been forced to be around toxic families through no fault of their own. X
A perfect delivery, thank you. This is helping me on a difficult day, my partner of 13 years has recently been diagnosed with complex PTSD and is getting help now but it is feeling like too little to late. The more I rebuild my own self esteem the more I believe I could be happier with someone else, I feel like I have already given more than my fair share of support. I’m also a 35 year old orphan so these articles are so helpful as a drop of support to help me stay grounded. Thanks again.
It took me a long time to realise that my mother in particular projected so much of her insecurities and unresolved traumas on me that I kept dealing with guys who are “broken”, “unavailable”, “wounded”, whatever it is that makes me feel like I need to heal them or fix them, as a form of love to get what I want. I have this tendency to love someone just to heal them, not because I’m truly attracted to them for who they are, as they are. Even for my father, he is always absent, working long hours and barely validated my achievements when I was a child growing up, or express desire to listen to me and not nag at me instead, and honestly, thinking about this makes me teary eyed and angry now.I had to also end a toxic relationship, that made me a toxic person. I probably have carried these unfulfilled desires to be acknowledged for my inner capabilities and worth, to be their centre of attention, to want to feel heard and agreeable. I think I have to give that back to myself. It’s time to stop searching outside after 25 years of my life for love and worth, validation.
Your description of controlling and insecurity is what I am used to with describing someone who is “controlling.” So it very much confuses me when people start telling me I’m controlling, when I’m struggling with my anxiety over people not telling me something that might be relevant to the task at hand, or shutting me off if I ask them specific things about their interests. I recognize that it is controlling to want to know everything happening around you, and I try to back off and give people space, reminding myself that plenty of things are not relevant to what I’m doing.
I feel like this is me. I didn’t start out this way. I became angry and unreasonable by not having boundaries, needs not being met and just needing to be clear with myself. When we lack things within ourselves we look outside of ourselves. I just could not take it any more so I ended the engagement. I constantly repeated myself explained myself it was exhausting and tiring. Books and therapy didn’t help. It Just became a war zone and in the end HE was upset that I “gave up”. I was blamed for most everything, even though I didn’t make him happy I made him feel criticized, not heard, seen. I Love him but I don’t miss him. I think that he’s a really good person and I want him to be happy with the person that’s best suited for him. Happy people make the world an amazing place.I just didn’t wanna do that to myself anymore so I chose better for myself. Thanks for reading. Great article
I left my toxic relationship today mentally I already left two weeks ago I feel happy and free the happiest thing that I feel is that emotionally I detached myself so when he would say mean things to me it just didn’t have the same power because I wasn’t in love with him anymore all the things that he did pushed me away thank you for your article doctor
Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou so so so so very very much Doctor Tracey you make me feel really good about myself and stronger. My most favourite part of this article is the parent part wen you said making a distance between them really makes sense so their thoughts don’t become part of me. Wow cheers and thankyou Doctor Tracey
I was surprised that the Doctor didn’t mention that most of these toxic behaviors are characteristic of a Narcissist. Other thing is that toxic people quite often manage to conceal their true selves from their partner until they’ve got them trapped in some fashion. Until very recently, a woman who was married to a toxic was pretty much on her own, since so many in authority considered that it was the woman’s responsibility to hold the relationship together. 💜
You are truly a heaven-sent doctor. Thanks a million for your insight into my problems. I wish I could get therapy from you with anybody I may want to marry in the future. But right now I am scared of getting married again because I thought I was losing my mind in this last marriage. I thought I was too hard on my spouse but anytime am with her is like I am dying out silently. My spouse show all the 10 red flags signs you mentioned. We have had several discussions relating to this, and even recorded some of the discussions but nothing changes. I have already taken her to the justice department to initiate a proper breakup settlement 3 weeks ago. Thank you for this insight.
I feel like trauma victims are drawn to these kind of partners, I know I was for a long time. I was with a guy for three years that did everything described in the article and broke up with me every 2-4 weeks including birthdays, Christmases, Valentine’s Day, etc. and I stupidly still went back over and over. Been away from him for almost a decade that experience still hangs over my head.
I think that a lot of these behaviors are learned. A lot of “toxic” traits are considered signs of “assertiveness”, “meeting one’s needs”, and “standing one’s ground”. Some of these traits can also be developed as survival skills when growing up in an abusive or toxic environment. I definitely relate to being angry, being sarcastic, making disparaging jokes, and having a punitive mindset. But it’s also useful to distinguish when such behaviors are used in a defensive or retaliatory manner. I’m a loner by nature and prefer to keep to myself. However, I will become quite vicious in response to perceived injustices or other attacks.
While its a lot of “negativity” as stated at the end of the article, the overwhelming positive message here is -> here are the red flags, now go forth and prosper as a human remaining mindful that we all make mistakes, we all have different beliefs and journeys, and nothing is at it really seems outside of ones own mind. It all begins with self remaining calm and navigating away from the negative behaviors to enrich those around us with as much love, harmony, and peace as we can muster. Thanks for such good info!
I think where I was going through a really bad time in my life, it made me toxic in my relationship. I hate myself for it cause my partner didn’t deserve it. I loved him and I lost him due to my mental health. I wish I could treat him better, or hope he finds someone who treats him great even though it hurts me.
ohhh you are soooo correct about how some ppl change as they get older but not necessarily for good, sometimes they get WORSE and my mother is that PERFECT example. I had to cut ties with her about 6 yrs ago when she gave me an ultimatum on how she thought I should help her in her personal choices and not consider my own responsibilities. My choices were either help her or leave. So I did. I went back home and have never spoken to her again and I don’t miss any of her manipulation tactics. I don’t wish her any harm nor do I hate, I just feel freedom. My grown children do not visit or engage in any communication with her either because they have told me she tries to guilt them into coming to see her. What they don’t appreciate is how she will accuse me of turning them against her and will not accept them telling her “No, it’s you!” I don’t know how to help someone like her, seems hopeless.
You are correct. When the narc in my space communicates to me, I usually take the remarks as a recommendation. I’ll always make the final decision, whether it’s correct or incorrect. The words that are spoken are given little or no weight. It’s not the finest approach to communicate with someone, but it’ll do for now, especially if you’re trying to protect yourself from their emotionally abusive behavior.
My Dad does all of these things to me and then all a sudden he’s nice happy. I hate it i wish it would stop. I must endure and I must find a way to out manuver my manipulator that is my father. You have just made me feel very strong and happy and ready to make a change. Cheers and thankyou so much Doctor Tracey Marks god bless you xo
Hi Dr.Marks your articles have helped me more then you will ever know. The older I am getting the more I don’t understand my mother. She us in constant need of control. Down to me dying my hair. But this time I don’t give in. She makes all kinds of comments to me like you look old she is always telling me how to dress. And even being in weight watchers she tells me I am selfish. I don’t understand her. Maybe its because I am older more educated that I see it now when before I didn’t. Even down to going to church with them. Because I don’t like their church. I have alot to work out I think distances from her are necessary. For me at 50 to start living my life. I think my mother isn’t as secure and confident as she tells me she is. Thank you for the article. I am standing my ground. And letting my hair go gray. And going to my own church.
I’ve searched for this information for years and it’s really helped me understand my relationship issues. I’ve been in a toxic relationship for too many years and at last I’ve made the right decision and ended it. I’ve realised that I enabled the toxicity to continue and given professional help won’t be welcomed, I’ve decided to leave. Thanks Dr Marks – you are wonderful!❤️
Wow ! I’ve waited a very long time for someone to make a article about this. Of course there are several articles out there about toxic relationships, but non of them acknowledges whether or not some traits are part of their personality or a toxic trait that will eventually fade away. And this is why I don’t ever feel like I get any help from other articles, i always have this “but…” feelings at the end of other articles. Thank you so much ! I have so much clarity
What I find interesting is person who expresses toxic relationship signs, most of the traits could be related to that persons childhood trauma. When people with are dealing with such trauma effects they create toxic environment. If person feels he cannot trust others they tend to control surrounding or attack in such way defending himself or manipulate.
I’m living with someone who’s doing everything on this list. My roommate. I feel like either I’m becoming more aware of her behavior and becoming more intolerant or her behavior may be getting worse. When I answer her back, she expect me to DROP IT! I don’t like how I feel about myself when I’m around her. She doesn’t respect my feelings and my boundaries. She also makes me feel silly or foolish because I don’t feel and think the way she does. I’m an introvert, she’s an extrovert. In so tired and drained. I want to move out eventually. I’m feeling anxiety and she doesn’t care.
I had a best friend since I was 5, then we went to college and became more distant. Over the past 7 years, only seeing her on and off, I bloomed into a more mature, more confident, happier version of myself. I realized I didn’t like hanging out with her too much, that I didn’t feel good when I was around her, etc. Now she’s moved back and is in a situation that brings out the worst in her, and I realized she is a pretty toxic, negative, manipulative friend, and I have attracted that type of person for most of my life. I let all the others go, but now I have to let go the one that’s been there from the beginning, and it’s really hard. I keep finding reasons to delay the inevitable. She even commented recently that we are far different than she thought… yeah, I grew up, I’m positive, I’m happy, I like people. I’m her opposite regarding my heart and soul, and being around her is just… draining. She asks me to lie for her, she pushes me to do things she wants, she gets sensitive/mad at the very start of criticism. She also refuses therapy, she thinks therapists don’t work. All these red flags, and she’s been like this since childhood. It’s hard to let it go, but I realize I need to sooner or later. It’s so hard to leave someone who has such a vice grip on you.
Hello Dr. Marks, I just listened to your article and I realized that every single one of my Adult Relationships are/were exactly as you described! If I were to place every single person that I am talking about at a long, I mean very long dinner table…..Guess who would sit at the head? MY MOTHER! I feel as though I am in a living nightmare with daylight features!
At 24 I got into my first serious relationship & unfortunately its lasting 3 years so far! I didn’t know what behaviors I shouldn’t have accepted. I didn’t know copying my mother was the wrong thing to do. I should’ve never let him move in with me! In the beginning I could tell how his personality was way different from mines. Him very aggressive & confrontational. But I brushed it off because he didn’t treat me that way. Stupid. I watched him lie to everyone & thought I would be different. I didn’t know why he was house to house. Choosing to sleep in his car or outside in a laundry room. But now I see. He talks about the toxic stuff we go through as if he been through it multi times before. He told me other ppl told him about the anger & arguments. Why did I think I could change this man? Now I’m suffering. He refusing to leave my place. I’m isolated away from family. This is so hard. Please don’t put yourself in this situation
Being with someone who’s very nonchalant and lacks empathy turned me toxic. Now I constantly beg for reassurance and beg him to do those things. I have to beg him to compliment me and have romantic moments or to show he cares. Anytime I try to talk about it he stonewalls me to the point where I’ve threatened suicide. I don’t know what to do
Dr. Marks you shared something that resonated with me. You stated that in some relationships you have to shut down emotionally. That is something that I had to do with a family member that I live with with all do respect. She make so many demands everyday regardless of how many times I may show her something. She is not listening or taking notes like I suggested to her. When I show her something literally I may show her something 100 times and I told her she is going to wear us both out. She constantly yells when I nicely tell her to just look at the instructions so she will know what she is doing along with other things. I don’t mind helping someone but I had to tell her I need to step away from her work. Also on another one of your articles I realized that I was manic because I sleep 3 or 4 hours a night. I saw the glasses you wore but I’m being worried throughout the night. Nonetheless I will be moving soon and I’m okay. Living with this family member is too much. Thanks again for the articles and my former roommate likes them to. I will make sure I share these articles with others that are in need because they are vital.
Was a tough but important thing to hear that if you have a toxic parent, you have to accept that you may never be emotionally close with them. My parents are critical of everything, including and sometimes especially me. I spent many years of my life trying to please them, which often meant minimizing my own feelings, which led to me resenting them. I had hoped that if I asserted myself more, we could have a more honest and close relationship, but in actuality it has led to more fights and hostility. I’m not sure what the preferred experience is, but I can see value in working to accept that a good relationship may not be possible rather than stressing over trying to do things just right so that we can have a good relationship.
And yet most of us aren’t “toxic” free.. some key problems in relationships are what we expect without reciprocity based on who we think we are and our worth and how someone else “made” us feel. I have created toxicity but also experienced toxicity as well. We all hopefully want to be the best versions of ourselves and if domeone else’s insecurity makes us behave in certain ways we have to understand how to deal with it. Society perspectives on love and relationships don’t help either.
The chronic insecurity and constant need for reassurance is me. It’s hard to work past the feelings of the past when similar behavior patterns happen. I’ve been wronged so many times by countless partners in the same way that I take silence and independence of activity as rejection or neglect. I try so hard to remind myself that this is a product of trauma to heal from. My BPD makes it even more difficult to have emotional intelligence. So did a codependent mother. But I appreciate your offering of solutions and not just saying it’s toxic and to quit each other. I like that you want to work on things before huge decisions such as these. I know I definitely have my toxic part playing currently that I need to work on but I still definitely deserve a partner who is also loving and willing to work on things with me. ADHD and BPD is a difficult mix as well. websites are all crossed 😂