Loneliness in marriage can be a complex and challenging emotion to navigate, especially when experienced within a marriage. To manage loneliness, it is essential to accept the fact that you are struggling, listen to your counselor’s advice, ask others for their understanding, recognize that you are not alone, do not rush things, do what makes you happy, measure your progress, and prioritize your mental health.
To reconnect with your spouse, try to pinpoint the root of your loneliness and talk to them about your feelings. Couples therapy can also be effective for improving various aspects of your relationship. In an unhappy marriage, you may feel more self-centered when they are not around you, which can lead to feelings of disconnection and disconnection.
To repair a lonely marriage, both partners need to put in a lot of work together. Reconnecting over old activities or trying something new can help you reconnect with your spouse. If you feel like you have fallen out of love, you may no longer want to stay in a committed marriage.
Recognizing moments when your spouse needs you and asking – give – take can help remove the invisible pain from your relationship. Don’t hesitate to seek help, especially if you are a victim of abuse, as it can help address issues within your relationship and allow you to move forward together.
📹 This Is Why You’re Lonely (and How to Fix It)
BUSINESS: Please contact my agent at [email protected] SPECIAL THANKS Video clips supplied by Getty Images …
How do you survive loneliness in marriage?
Recap: If you’re lonely in your marriage, there are ways to fix it. Talk to your spouse. Spending more time together can help you feel more connected. Couples therapy can help improve your relationship. A Word from Verywell. Every marriage is different. Every relationship goes through ups and downs. If you feel lonely in your marriage, find out why and fix it. Knowing what’s wrong can help you build a healthier relationship.
What are the signs of unhappy marriage?
You don’t talk much. There’s no intimacy. You’d rather be with friends than your partner. Everything they do bothers you. You’re emotionally distant. You have different values, beliefs, and goals. You criticize, disrespect, defend, and ignore each other. Being in a relationship is hard. Many couples forget the promise they made on their wedding day. People don’t just fall out of love. Problems often build up slowly, testing a relationship. People often file for divorce because of unreasonable behavior, infidelity, or financial problems.
What is walkaway husband syndrome?
What is walkaway spouse syndrome? Walkaway Spouse Syndrome is when a spouse leaves without warning, leaving questions unanswered. Why would a spouse choose divorce instead of therapy? Could it be a lack of emotional connection or a partner who doesn’t realize their unhappiness? Or have you ignored the signs for too long? At the start of most marriages, couples are happy. It’s a new start and a big step in life. Everything seems great at first, and there is a strong emotional connection. Then, suddenly, the couple breaks up, and everyone wonders how it turned south so quickly. Outsiders see an abrupt divorce, but there are stages where one spouse leaves.
For example, a wife may want more connection and intimacy in the marriage, but her husband isn’t responsive because it’s not a priority for him. The wife may keep asking for what she needs, but her husband may think she’s nagging. The wife will still see this as an issue. The husband may act like everything is fine. This leads to a breakdown in communication and a worse relationship.
What is the walkaway wife syndrome?
Sometimes, one spouse leaves the other suddenly. The other spouse is shocked. This is called “walkaway wife syndrome.” This term is used to describe when a spouse, often the wife, feels alone, neglected, and resentful in a bad marriage and decides to leave. What is walkaway wife syndrome? The term “walkaway wife syndrome” suggests a sudden decision, but it often comes after a long period of conflict. The divorce takes years to happen. After trying to get her spouse to deal with their relationship issues, the wife finally decides it’s pointless. She has thought about her options and is ready to leave the marriage.
Can a marriage survive without emotional intimacy?
A romantic relationship without emotional intimacy isn’t sustainable. If you don’t feel safe, loved, supported, or connected, it will affect your physical intimacy. “It’s not sustainable to have a romantic relationship without emotional intimacy,” says Rachel Wright, a marriage counselor and licensed psychotherapist. “If you think of emotional intimacy as the basis of any relationship, it’s obvious to invest in it and keep it strong.” 4 ways to improve emotional intimacy. Fostering emotional intimacy takes time. There are a few things you can do tonight to improve your emotional connection with your partner. Be vulnerable to earn their trust. Even if we’ve spent a lot of time with someone, it’s hard to let down our guard. You can’t make someone vulnerable, but you can be vulnerable yourself.
What are the 4 pillars of unhappy marriage?
What are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by John Gottman, Ph.D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, is a marriage and family therapist in Philadelphia. She is a certified Gottman therapist and director and therapist at A Better Life Therapy. She got her master’s in couples and family therapy from Thomas Jefferson University.
. The research shows that differences in background, age, or opinions don’t make or break relationships. It’s how people communicate that affects a relationship the most. One important finding is a set of communication habits called The Four Horsemen.
Gottman named these four communication habits after the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in the Christian Bible. The four horsemen—conquest, war, hunger, and death—signaled the end of times. If you use Gottman’s Four Horsemen a lot, your relationship is likely to become unstable and unhappy. It will probably end.
What causes loneliness in a marriage?
Lack of connection causes loneliness in marriage. When couples don’t have sex or cuddle much, they may feel disconnected. Not talking: If you don’t talk, you’ll feel more alone.
What is a silent divorce?
What is a silent divorce? A silent divorce is a gradual separation between couples. Intimacy, love, and connection erode, leaving couples feeling more like roommates than romantic partners. A silent divorce is not recognized by law. A legal divorce involves court proceedings, lawyers, and dividing property. A silent divorce is about emotional disconnection, indifference, and a lack of shared experiences. The couple may still live together and have children, but they don’t love each other anymore.
Signs of a Silent Divorce. A silent divorce isn’t discussed. But there are signs you might be going through a silent divorce. We list these signs below.
What is the walk away wife syndrome?
What is “walkaway wife syndrome”? Walkaway wife syndrome is when a wife leaves her husband because she is unhappy. The phenomenon begins when a wife feels disconnected from her spouse. She may or may not say she’s unhappy. If she does speak up, she may feel her spouse ignores her or dismisses her concerns. This makes her feel ignored and she withdraws emotionally. She may start living her life without her spouse.
Walkaway wife syndrome starts with the wife leaving because she feels unmet needs or dissatisfied. This may lead to less communication, less shared activities, and more focus on individual interests. Eventually, the wife may move out. Divorce is almost inevitable. This final step often comes as a surprise to the spouse. If the couple doesn’t divorce, they may lose respect for each other. Some call this “dead marriage syndrome.”
What is the unhappy wife syndrome?
Walkaway wife syndrome starts with the wife leaving because she’s unhappy. Over time, this may lead to less communication, less shared activities, and more focus on individual interests. Eventually, the wife may leave. The couple gets divorced. The final step often comes as a surprise to the spouse. If the couple doesn’t divorce, they may lose respect for each other. Some call this “dead marriage syndrome.” Get a good divorce lawyer. Schedule a free 15-minute call with our team.
What are the stages of marriage collapse?
Most marriages go through three stages: 1) Romantic love, 2) Disillusionment, 3) Dissolution, adjustment with resignation, or adjustment with contentment (Larson, 2003).
What is the #1 cause of divorce?
Why people are getting divorced in the United States. 42. A recent survey found that lack of commitment is the main reason for divorce. Here are the reasons and their percentages:
- Lack of commitment 73%
- Argue too much 56%
- Infidelity 55%
- Married too young 46%
- Unrealistic expectations 45%
- Lack of equality in the relationship 44%
- Lack of preparation for marriage 41%
- Domestic Violence or Abuse 25%
(Respondents often cited more than one reason, so the percentages add up to more than 100 percent)
What Makes People More or Less Likely to Divorce? Your age. 43. 48% of those who marry before 18 are likely to divorce within 10 years, compared to 25% of those who marry after 25.
📹 I Feel Lonely in My Marriage
I Feel Lonely in My Marriage Send John your questions. Leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email …
Note that the tactic I share in this article also applies to plans that aren’t in-person as well. If you can’t get together physically (distance, lockdowns), you use this strategy for things like Discord game nights (something my friends and I do quite often) 🙂 Here are some other articles I’ve done on friendships: How to make more friends: youtube.com/watch?v=rb0G0Uw-2Q8 Build deeper friendships: youtube.com/watch?v=JiF8drvonf8 Beat social anxiety when meeting new people: youtube.com/watch?v=I-IKdQcXGA8 Hope these help!
One cause of loneliness not talked about in this article, is that you are friends with people who don’t properly understand you. People who you can sort of have fun with, but you don’t really connect on a deep an emotional level. Highlighting the importance, of being yourself, putting yourself out there, even if it’s just online, to find the tribe of people who like you for you, and who you genuienly connect with. Life is too short to worry what other people think 💙
There’s a massive gap in this article. You talk about how everyone feels lonely these days because they aren’t involved in communities then go on to explain how spending time with people you currently have relationships with counter act the negative consequence of that happening. Even if that does work, the glaring flaw in that advice is you need to have those relationships to begin with and not everyone does. What I’m saying is, I was really hoping for advice on where to go to find new communities to be apart of to fill the void that school left or just good places to meet new people to build relationships with.
This summer I realized I had to be the proactive one. I was tired of everyone saying “yeah we should do something” but nothing ever happening. My tactic was to make a list of things I wanted to do with friends, reaching out to all of them, and selecting a day we could all commit to. It would be weeks or even a month in advance, but it worked! I hung out with family, high school friends, and college buddies 🙂 but being the proactive one can be tiring
Friendship today seems like a forced social get together where everyone is trying not to offend each other. Everyone is dressed nice and polite. What happened to friends popping up with a beer and just flopping down on your couch eating the last of your chips and your ok with it. The best friendship is more like a brotherhood/sisterhood of people that accepts each other’s imperfections as genuine and unique. They drink too much or talk too loud or is always late, those are the things that give friends value. Their uniqueness.
If only it were that simple… In reality, if I were to say “we’re doing top golf Friday at 8pm, want to join?” and sent that message to, say, four people, then one would say yes, two would say “I can’t do Friday, but I can do Saturday,” and one wouldn’t respond at all. And then I’d be stuck with deciding whether I want to do an awkward one-on-one activity with a person I didn’t really want to hang out with one-on-one, trying to change the activity to Saturday, or giving up entirely. And that’s just a simplified version of what’s likely to be much more complicated logistics.
I agree with what you’re saying here, however, I recently stopped being the person to reach out to one of my friends from school as I would be the only one to speak. There was zero effort on their part and I grew tired of it after years of doing it. I felt the relationship must have run its course and cut my losses. I think there are times where you need to stop being the person who reaches out all the time and accept that you’re fighting to keep a relationship that is already dead.
He’s talking about loneliness when you aren’t in college or high school, but I’ve felt lonely for most of my high school life and I’m off to post secondary in a week. I just don’t feel like I blend in with people due to me not drinking and doing drugs. I just feel different because I never tried to blend in with other people. I tried to be the person that my asian family wanted me to be. Now I’m trying to figure out who I am, but its so uncomfortable for me. Edit: Thank you for all of the support! I really hope that I can figure out who I really want to be in University.
I remember a article you did a while ago mentioning all this, and as a shy introvert, it blew my mind and i’m thinking about it everytime I want to catch up with a friend (like, I don’t expect them to text first or to offer to hang out, I do it). I believe this advice impacted my social life in a very positive way, because I’m more inclined to make efforts for people I reallly care about now. Thank you Thomas !!
Saying “I’m going to X, hope to see you there” is actually quite a good tip, assuming you’re not completely exhausted from always making the first move and getting no or “some other time” as a response. I get people are legitimately busy or something may not be their cup of tea, but once in a blue moon it’s not unreasonable to want to be asked first.
I’ve been perusal your articles for 4 years now and I must say your articles did me wonders with note taking, time management, using technology effectively and for personal needs, and also gives perspective on how to view life This article i can relate that time is short and we as people and someone that were close to needs to cherish every moment here on earth, once time is gone you can’t get it back. You my dear sir just earned a subscriber.
My dad gave me this exact advice as a teenager. I think I was moping about not having any weekend plans and he told me, “If you want to go out, you are going to have to call other people and make a plan.” This is back in the time of landline phones when you had to call people and there was no simple texting. It was some of the best advice I have ever received. It made me take more responsibility for my socializing instead of depending on others.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot! I’m trying to message first, arrange impromptu meet-ups, or article chats at the very least! Since leaving uni, all my friends have dispersed, esp as most are doctors working crazy shifts/rotas all across the country. Will definitely consider keeping track of the last time I’ve contacted people I care about!! 😊
I can relate heavy with being lonely. But how does one even form such relationships? Most people might be lonely, but I honestly can’t agree that people are wanting to make connections and spend time together. Worst still, when people already have their little communities, they have absolutely no interest in getting to know anyone new. People just aren’t that interested in forming relationships with people to do things with. That’s what my personal life experiences have taught me anyway. I’m always alone. It’s my default state of being. I’ve never known real friendships. People don’t want to get to know new people. That’s the real issue. I can’t even believe anymore that real friends even exist. More like something from a fairy-tale or movie. But real actual friendship? I can’t believe that people are even capable of that anymore.
Thanks Thomas, that’s such an important topic. One of the great epidemics of the 21st century is definitely this one, loneliness. Just to add to your points, having young kids makes it even more difficult. True they make you meet more often other people but free time drops by 90%. Does anyone else feel like this?
I love the robotic system idea. I was thinking of doing the same, since I’ve noticed everyone drifting apart. Working on my procrastination too, since I didn’t see anyone this semester—I thought procrastinating on work would just affect work, but it really affected everything, since you feel like you don’t have time to do anything. Great advice, thanks <3
I can understand being the proactive one, but for me I don’t have any friends that have been life long. And for me, I just don’t see the point of being proactive and put effort into hanging out anymore. I use to not put any effort into being proactive. That didn’t go well so I changed my attitude, I figured I’d be proactive first… if they don’t reciprocate next then I just let it go. That didn’t work much either. Still don’t have any real friendships. So now I’ve learned to be happy on my own and keep myself company. Would it be nice to have friends, sure. But no matter where I go, I just never feel like I belong anywhere. At the end of the day I’ve only got myself… for those that have some strong friendships, don’t take them for granted.
That was an interesting piece of information, thank you, Thomas! I even think that keeping track of who you talk to is a good idea, even for some might seem weird. I might add that as we grow up we tend to have different perspectives of the world and often times we mistake one’s behaviour for rejection when in fact it’s something else. Best advice ever: take the initiative. Clear and simple.
It takes a lot of energy to reach out to people constantly, especially when the friends you know don’t like to do the things you like to do. I love to go hiking and be outside none of them do, so I would tell myself well, maybe I should make new friends who like to hike and be outside. That is a whole other ball game…
I have to say whenever I listen to your articles my whole body just relaxes! I’m from the midwest but moved to the east coast a few years ago and whenever I hear a midwest voice… I don’t know why but my body just has a huge sigh of relief! Midwest “doesn’t have an accent” but it kind of does and it’s so comforting to hear.
Time after time I click on his articles thinking I’d get some hope for my messed up life where all I have left is anxiety, 2 sisters, mother and a therapist and time after time I see how well together he has everything, giving advice only well-together people have the means for. Would I love to “only hang out with my significant other or maybe only a few friends”? Yes. If I had them. Would I love to send texts to people telling “we” are going golfing? Yes, if I had a “we”. I appreciate what you try to do, but… apparently these only work for people who have smaller problems
The fact that lot’s of people are lonely is actually a hopeful thing. It means that there is a multitude of people out there who potentially could need each other and come together. It also breaks the illusion that everyone else has it good and that one is the only person who is lonely. It would be pretty terrible for the lonely people if the vast majority wasn’t lonely. It would make it much harder to find someone.
And people have family and kids, don’t forget about that. So you can maybe hang out sometimes, I have friends who always make some effort but at the end they’re in the process of building their lives with their significant other. Living without any physical touch impacts the health. We are social beings. We hug, we touch, we laugh, we play games and we also spend time by ourselves. We need balance.
My parents moved our family around so often that forming relationships is like a sticker that’s lost it’s stick now. I remember having friends in highschool and college, but now that I am in a job I actually don’t have any friends at all, and it’s been like that for 3 years or so. I’ve spent most of the time learning to better myself in books and technology, but I am basically a lonely astronaut. lol
I had a group of friends with two of them being my closest friends and we really cared about each other. After the pandemic my life turned downhill, fell into depression and lonliness, really wanted to be around my friend group because I really missed the happiness, comfort, love, support and strength I felt around them. To my dismay, everything turned even worse because I didn’t realised we had already drifted apart and when school reopened we didn’t really talked with each other cuz it was awkward. Now, it’s like all them got together some, but excluded me. I couldn’t get along with them. It’s just feels so lonely when I pass through them now and they act like I don’t even exist, that it physically hurts. Over these few days I have seen them talking and laughing with each other and it hit me like a rock when i realised how happy they are without me. I feel worthless and low. I have an exam tomorrow and I do not even feel like getting out of my bed anymore:)
I notice a lot of my hanging out with friends ended after they got married and had children. I’ve been told “I’m a home-body and prefer to be home with my kids”. With me and maybe two other friends (who are both in different circles) being the only ones without children, and everybody else in their own worlds with their children, I find myself alone all the time when I’m not at work or participating in a social interest group. Social interest groups have helped with loneliness quite a bit, but they’re limited to the locations and times of activities. I see my workout buddies only during exercise or events. I only see my dance classmates during classes or events. For a couple hours, I’m happy and feel like I’ve got my community back. Afterwards, I’m doing housework solo or getting ready for work solo. Thank goodness for YouTube articles and Harry Potter audiobooks I can bury myself in til it’s time to go back to work.
I can tell that when you lose a loved one, you will experience the most advanced stage of loneliness … i lost my dad last year and since then i feel like i always need to be alone … i don’t enjoy hanging out with my friends anymore … even my friends don’t care that i lost my father … i didn’t get any form of support from them : i don’t get text messages or calls asking me if everything is okay … they continue living as if nothing happened and i understand that since it’s my father and not theirs but i didn’t get any sliver of empathy from them … i’m enjoying my own company from now on ! Loneliness can lead you to right path you should take in life : cherish your family and focus on getting quality friends … the fewer your friends are the best it is for you !
The article suggestions helped me. Thank you very much…. You’re right, if we don’t fix the situation, the situation is not going to fix itself. And that yes loneliness can be solved. May be not everybody would turn a friend, but we shouldn’t stop trying. The world is a big place, you never know you get to click with somebody. But staying in our shells isn’t going to fix the situation. There’s no point in feeling sorry about being lonely, it’s a situation! And it only makes sense to help it out. Instead of feeling pity about it, we should do things to fix it. Thanks for giving me a positive attitude towards this problem. There’s no problem in this world which cannot be solved! A problem comes along with a solution. And I shall remember that now always. Thanks 😊.
the thing is, we lose friends and contacts when we age, because people have other priorities. You need to make new friends apart from taking care of your old friends. You need to find something that you truly like (so you could do it alone without pushing a friend to come with you) and is social and can expand your circle. There are plenty of hobbies that make it easy to make friends. Sign up for art lessons, dancing lessons like salsa, hiking or climbing groups, yoga classes and retreats, a skateboard group for adults, travel alone…at some point you will find people with your same interests, and also you will learn that you dont need any friend as a crutch to do the things you love, because you are not afraid of doing cool stuff solo
I am lonely when I am not around my friends, or people. When I actually have to get work done for university, I just feel isolated. Getting work done is an important part of my life and there is no way around it, but I wish I could just evade that feeling of being socially disconnected while getting work done. I strongly believe that this phenomenon is commentary on my sort of fragile self esteem.
I’ve spoken to multiple people today, some I see as friends but everyone in some way was kind of busy/wished me a good weekend. I feel really painfully lonely this evening. I need to have people in my life who would actually like to talk to me at the weekend too. I had a bad dating experience lately which contributed to my loneliness (I thought he seemed v promising at first until he started acting kind of disrespectful) and another friend abandoned me so that has all contributed to this feeling. Like nobody has much time for me or wants me in their life. It’s unbearable sometimes.
Though I agree with what is being said in this article, something needs to be added, and it’s more important than reaching out and making plans. It’s not having expectations of others and realizing that people have their own lives, desires, Etc. If you base your worth off of how other people perceive you, you will often be very disappointed and feel like others are letting you down. The correct way to approach loneliness is to realize that you will always be alone. On your deathbed, when you are sick, or when you are on your own defined mission, you will realize that nobody can live through you. It’s nice to have like-minded individuals along the way and initiate plans but do so with no expectations and always remember that no one is going to be there except yourself. Find your purpose and keep your head down.
Working from home for over 2 years and only heading out to run errands or to head out for photowalks made me start thinking that loneliness was a choice I made. But then the pandemic happened and now I’m dealing with health-related stuff so I can’t hang out with my friends atm. But when I’m strong again I’ll take your advice, makes so much sense 👍
Yeah, ive learned, that i have to be a proactive one, but i felt like im forcing people, and you explained its not like this, so thanks. The thing is i had social problems in school, so its hard for me to socialize cause my social skills are not that good, I dont really know what “normal” people do when they hang out. It’s garder to make new friends, when you get older, but i guess, you just have to find people similar to your views of social activity.
I appreciate your take on this but one of the problems about the friendships nowadays is that people are not genuine. I feel like I am the only one who is reaching out and trying to do something together. When that is the case you don’t want to reach out anymore because it feels forced, you feel unwanted. Even when you get together, people seem to have no idea how to communicate and have deep, meaningful conversations. For me, the loneliness is not a problem of reaching out, it is a deep-rooted problem of the society where people forgot to be a part of something and care about something other than themselves.
One of the issues I have, which is arguably more in my own mind than I make it out to be, is that although in my line of work I interact with many coworkers every day, I’m afraid to reach out to any of them farther than small talk, in part because of anxiety, social anxiety, and depression, but also in large part because my financial situation is in the gutter, so after I get home from work I either binge game or find ways to make more money. I don’t know if financial struggle is spreading as a result of capitalism and wealth concentration, but I just never feel like I have enough time. On top of that, I have several groups of old friends that I try to maintain relationships with, but since there are so many separate groups, my attention is spread thin and I don’t feel like I have a strong enough or valuable bond with any one of them. (And of course they have their own lives as well and time commitments) And that’s really the crux of the problem isn’t it? In a way I feel like everybody seeks deeper connections, but very few adults have the time to realize them. Maybe that’s one of the drives for people to find significant others… To fill that desire for deep connection.
People are lonely because they have become more judgmental. People aren’t lonely because people aren’t available, people are lonely when we no longer allow ourselves to be inconvenienced. College, workplaces, even living with family cause us to compromise and today we have just enough money to isolate ourselves. Go to a homeless encampment, homeless people may not have a lot, but they are never lonely.
It’s so hard right now during the pandemic.. it’s sad especially when you’re an architecture student that has to do a lot of remote learning, you tried to join a club that’s remote also and only like 4-5 people attend( I don’t blame anyone not joining a club at this time cause you can’t really do much and it’s not the same as in person) and it’s not exciting since you can’t really experience certain things in person but only online and it’s especially hard when things involve hands on and bonding with others.. like when you’re young making friends online was easy when you played online games but when you’re an adult you kinda get that fomo feeling of not experiencing friends irl
I am very very willing to be the plan maker most of the time. However if I am the only one calling, texting, making plans, visiting, etc, I just let those friendships fade. I don’t expect perfect equality, we’re all busy in life, but no one person needs to do everything. I have found that whenever I am anywhere and I think of a friend or see something that reminds me of them, I will text them- I don’t care how long it’s been. Almost all the time, people are just happy to hear from you.
Since my childhood, I kind of had only a friend at a time, and I don’t know why. I can barely understand how it works when you ask multiple friends to a meeting. After high school, my best (and last) friend used to ask me for hanging out with him and his friends every month at least, and I used to decline 99% of the time. My social anxiety make me feel very uncomfortable when I don’t know very well the people involved. But one day he just gave up. We talked for some time yet, till it was over as well. Then, when I wanted to hangout, to see the world again, I didn’t have anyone to call. For some time I blamed him on my thoughts for being a bad friend, but later I realized it was my fault. He tried, many times. It’s was sad but also liberating to realize that. I still don’t know how to keep a friendship, or even how to connect with people, but I didn’t give up of making truly friends – and to feel good and confident enough to accept their invitations.
I think this is great, but what happens when you become the person ALWAYS making plans and reaching out? Does it not feel weird to anyone that you never have another “initiator” in your circle? Why is there only ever one and it usually ends up being you? It’s exhausting and frustrating that no one ever has an answer to this.
Hey Thomas, big fan. Thanks for all your great work. Question: how do you overcome how bad it feels to be the only one who reaches out in friendships? I’ve tried making plans with friends to avoid loneliness like you suggest in the article but they never invite me out or reach out to me to reciprocate. If I stop communication, we never talk again. If I reach out, we talk for a little while & then the pattern repeats. I know this probably means people that do that aren’t my true friends but then how do I find friends that will be more proactive with me? Any additional advice?
I’m a digital artist working from home and deal with this. I’m usually ok working on my own and getting on with my day, but…. waking up alone, working alone, finishing the day alone, being alone in the evening gets a bit much. Hitting the gym for an hour or 2 a day is good, not only the exercise itself, but also just being around other human beings (even though its a lot of strangers, just being in the presence of other people working on improving themselves helps a lot.) I definitely feel I was a lot more social back in college/Uni, way easier to join social circles and get out with like minded people.
Summary sans TF’s ads and course pitches: – 3/5 people report being regularly lonely – even without the pandemic, loneliness is going up – Kurt Vonnegut says we need a community of 50 friends and family members – Grade school and college force us into communities, but we often must create our own communities as adults – To create community, we need to proactively invite friends to hang out – To make it easier for invitees to say “yes,” invite a friend to a specific event that will happen whether they join you or not, e.g., “hey, we’re going to play topgolf at 1 on Saturday if you want to join!” – this works because there’s less pressure and less cognitive work for the invitee – protip #2: have a system that tracks interactions with people you care about. It may seem robotic, but you will spend more time with people you care about. Concise, well-written, thoughtful article. As you would expect from TF.
Just moved 308 miles away from everyone I knew to go to college. I did quickly find some friends I share interests with but nothing deep, definetliy because we have only known each other for 3 months. My best friend moved in the opposite direction of what I did so we live over 400 miles apart know. Really miss him
So true, I have found myself friendless. I mostly vibe with my co-workers and cousins. But how does one get friends who I serve and serve me? I am struggling with this more. I have lost friends over the years due to different life paths people have taken, good and bad. For now, I will just enjoy the free premium month.
Great article, but one thing that I don’t think works for me. You mentioned that you should extend an invite to an already existing event that will happen with or without them. I had a very close friend for 20 years. Towards the end of the friendship we stopped doing things just the two of us. Instead he would only invite me to things he was already doing with other people. If I asked him to do something just with me.. no response. This actually hurt my feelings. I’m also an introvert who prefers small gatherings. I was constantly being invited to big parties, concerts, game nights with 10+ people, never just dinner or a movie, or just hanging out. I stopped accepting those invites. The friendship eventually withered completely. Not everyone has FOMO. In fact, I’m guessing a large chunk of people don’t. I have to say, this advice isn’t particularly helpful, but I do think the proactive advice is excellent. Also, CALL. Texts are much easier to say no to.
Man…I have ALWAYS felt lonely even back in the 80s before the whole loneliness thing came about. As a kid I was always the outcast and weirdo…one or two friends but they usually went off on their own thing. I was put on Rhition in the 80s cause the teacher couldn’t hold my attention and I stared out th e window….shocker…and just became a zombie. On top of that, a verbally abusive step father and mother who had to work two jobs.Even as an adult…yes I HAD to be the one to reach out usually and most only called me when there was a concert or they wanted to go somwhere cause most didn’t have a car….and i had a kid and had to work around him. Loneliness was always a thing though even before 2020…some of us were just outcasts and weirdos and still are. And there is a difference between being alone and lonely…have to say that because it’s become a Trend for people to say, “They like being alone”. Four years ago, I began working on myself though and getting closer to the Lord…reading the bible and praying…mainly because i seem to attract women that are damaged and use me. Today, it’s Me, the Lord, and my son who needs more time cause he’s autistic. Today’s society people just want to use you or only act like they care if there is something they need or want from you. Give me truly Godly people in my life, but even most “Christians” I tend to not get along with
Coffee shops. Sit at a table near the cashier, and low key greet people while painting. This is how I make friends. When it’s busy and there’s nowhere to sit, I invite strangers to sit with me. It forces people to sit with people and the art gives you an icebreaker. I had 500 business cards and after a few months I’m running out. So enjoy. It works. Be patient, try different coffee shops and wait for the magic of networking and learning to socialize with different people.
wish I had the capacity to actually reach out to friends more often and build new relationships, but as someone extremely introverted (ie. need a lot of down time alone) and with adhd (everything feels like it takes much more effort than it would for a neurotypical person and all my energy is usually directed at trying to adequately take care of my own self), I find it difficult to muster the energy to reply to most messages more than once a week and have to block out like two hours of my schedule to hyperfocus on replying to everything in my inboxes/dm’s 😅 v thankful for my two childhood friends who are similar and we can go a couple months without much interaction but pick up where we left off, but I don’t know if I have it in me to develop more relationships like that even tho I want to 😔
If it was hard to hang out with someone due to schedules/travel, people used to call each other. Now they have light-touch text interactions. Texting doesn’t satisfy the need for real interaction like hearing the sound of their voice, their sighs, the little things they do when they talk. And sometimes article calls aren’t as good as voice calls. Depending how close you are to the person, you can suddenly become more self-conscious and performative when on a article call. It makes the call more exhausting than it needs to be. So maybe having more voice calls would help for a lot of people. The great thing is you can organize the call via text, so you don’t have the horror of just calling them out the blue…
You always give good advices Thomas. However, this article made me wonder; have you ever been worried about systematizing your life too much? Introducing all of these schedules and spreadsheets into almost every aspect of your life, dont you worry that life would get too mechanical? Would love to hear your thoughts on this.
Loneliness is the state of mind. You can have thouthands of people around you and still feel lonely when you sitting alone by yourself. It is important for better communication firstly to love youself and love spending time by yourself alone and then it will be much easier to write somebody in purpose to hang out, because you will be able to accept any kind of response.
This is some insane timing right here. I just got hired, and currently I’m a trainee, got some tasks to do and everybody in the office are busy so literally no one of my colleagues talked to me the whole week besides “hello” and “bye”. I thought that sudden bumping into my classmate who I’ve been friends with like 10 years ago at the workplace would fix the problem, but guess what? He just said “hello” and then blocked me on the corporate Lync for unknown reason. When I get home I’m just too tired to talk to anyone. At Friday night I’ve had the what I think the first panic attack in my life, suddenly awakening in the middle of the night and panicking for no reason, guess I had it coming, with all the pressure from getting a new job and this old-friend-reunion-gone-not-the-way-I-expected-it-to-go. And at the weekend when I’m finally able to muster some strength to watch YouTube I find this article. Thanks man. I’ll try to contact my other friend, it’s time for us to have a chat anyways, maybe this time it will go the normal way.
Weird. Growing up I felt very lonely and out of place because I got so bullied at school. Sure I had a few friends that are still with me at age 26. My friend group is small but I have far more than I had as a kid. I still spend a lot of time on my own since I am introverted and im just used to it. I do get lonely but it just reminds me that I need to start connecting with my family and friends more. It’s basically a give and take. Remember quality over quantity and don’t even think about social media it’s only going to make the feelings worse.
This article made me realize I’m definitely not lonely. I see my extended family of 50 plus people all the time. They always were my community. It’s the alone time that I find quite precious lol. But covid made me hella lonely, and I can finally understand the benefit of keeping in touch with so many creatures
Idk dude. Im not sure whats the point of having interactions with 40 random people. Im not sure if having small talk with 40 people makes you less lonely and I would never say that they count as “friends”. I wayyyyy prefer having 1 or 2 close, true friends than having 40 random people that dont really give any value in my life. Maybe I misunderstood the article but thats just my opinion. Nevertheless, love you Thomas and say hi to Martin from me <3
As much as you can’t choose your family, you can’t choose your peers/co-workers. There’s a clear and objectively toxic environment at my College and they are the reason for my loneliness. The only thing that has kept me going is the fact that I only have 14 months of college left. Socializing doesn’t always lead to healthy outcomes. I choose to be alone for the next 14 months.
My problem is that even my friends nowdays are bored and just don’t really care about doing anything except going to work, hit the gym and smoke weed before bedtime. Even when we’re not working we’re just smoking our days out for no reason, i really feel traped because i don’t really know different people than my own type…
I am lonely because I moved away from my hometown of over 30yrs, in with someone who I thought I was going to share the rest of my life with, only to find out they are toxic and I was kicked out, now living in an area I barely know and knowing nobody around me. There is no “fixing” this. Not right now anyway.
I have question for you i am college and I am required to write so many essays. I would like to start a blog and would like to use those essays. Question am I allowed to use them being that I am the one who write the essays and I did the research. I also would Like to start doing article on YouTube. I want to build break out of my camera shyness and build that confidence to be in front of a camera. Also would like to improve my speaking skills. If you can please answer my question I would appreciate it. Thank you
I’m proactive but I’ve gotten tired of inviting people (w/ concrete plans). I think maybe there’s something wrong with me cause it seems like I either have bad timing or I suck as a person cause I seem to always be doing thing alone since I was in high school. I do have fun on my own, but I’d like to include people in my fun
I’m 37 and never hurt anyone or be mean towards anyone. Still have no real friends and no one interested in me. Has no kids and never been married. I always help people and they take me for granted. When I need them they can not do much for me. I just get tired and I think death is pretty good idea. Not gonna do it but l’m not afraid from it anymore.
Great except i don’t even know anybody. Once i know them how would i exchange phone numbers? Most people i meet at work etc, are older, or even if they are my age have families to be wrapped up in. Where do you go to meet friends who are not just situational (ie only friends bc we work together, but if one of us quits we dont know each other anymore). This was really unhelpful.
I’m in high school and idk why I clicked on this article because I don’t feel lonely lol. I did see a lot of info in this that pertains to my mother oof. I wish she could see her friends more, during the summer she doesn’t really like me hanging out with my friends except like twice the whole summer and I think it’s in part because she doesn’t get to see her friends but twice in one summer and think it’s weird for me to want to hang out with them like every week or every other week
This is great advice but won’t necessarily work for me anymore because I always get abused for my kindness. I’m the proactive one in the group because of my socio economic standing and I’m a LGBT woman means I don’t get to have kids so my gf and I do all the gathering of friends, and I’m less busy cause I chose a digital nomad life, more financially tapped. Yet, its quite hard and draining, i feel alone because no one’s willing to listen to me nor ask how am i but I’m more happier now and we really don’t need to constantly socialize because there’s always something leading to another like gossip, misunderstanding etc. There’s happiness, sure and tons of whackiness but its just done for now. Internet made it seem possible because of clout houses but that’s just business.
I heard martin talking about his social tracking system on the podcast– and I thought, man, if we have to logically analyze our own actions to that degree, just to meet our own basic needs, then society is really failing us in that area. but it’s great that you’re offering solutions. your content is always so helpful, and I appreciate it <3
I tested positive for Covid earlier last week, and I’ve been stuck in my room since my family cannot be exposed to me, it feels so lonely because I haven’t seen the sunlight in so long or had actual social interaction, all the connection I have ti the outside world is my phone and I like I am going crazy, what do you guys recommend I do?
A lot of people say they’re good with being lonely but actual truth is they’re not. Only a few could stand true loneliness without a mental degradation. Needless to say that humans are social beings and we have to interact with other humans from time to time to feel ourselves whole and happy. And your articles help other ppl to feel that way, as well as it helps you to be happier by fulfilling your destination. Thanks a lot for being that kind in this cruel world! As long as there are people like you among us I believe in bright future for humanity.
I think we need to stop saying “fixing” something. Man, if you feel lonely, it’s totally fine and human to feel that way. I occasionally feel lonely, but everyone does (mainly because of the time we are living in though). And if you feel lonely around people, either they are toxic people who don’t care about you, either you don’t have strong connections with them, and that would be a great occasion to ask a friend to go out or just to do something simple with them. No pressure, no expectations, but allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable towards them. Get deep with the stuff that you’re struggling with, it’s ok to not be the best version of yourself during those moments. And if you don’t want to, it’s ok too, just be patient with yourself and the people around you. And if those people don’t like you afterwards, don’t be with them they’re not worth it seriously. That being said, life is not about productivity, it’s about experiencing, whether positive or negative feelings. Don’t bother if someone shows how their parties seem so amusing on Instagram, it’s just fake and you don’t often see what’s behind the curtain. People show only what’s the best in their lives, but honestly, I prefer to know how someone struggles and gets through life as no one does. You guys are precious and you all know that. Loneliness is a humble feeling and it’s tough. Don’t take my words as someone qualified though, it’s just important for me to tell you that, I’m not a professional. Take care of yourself guys
If by technology overuse you mean social media on the Internet, I can tell you that loneliness and break down of communities was also worse before the internet, hence the far higher incidence besides depression of violence and psychoses in that period Plus the advanced industrialised economies had become almost impossible to navigate, thus some profound new method of gaining information quickly was necessary, hence the internet. People invent stuff like the internet when a need for it has appeared, not the other way around.
I am a girl from Syria, I am 18 years old. Our living situation is very bad because of the high prices, the war and the advent of winter. I hope that you will help us and our children because we are in dire need of assistance and that we travel outside the country and we cannot travel due to lack of money. I hope you will help me😔💔