Verbal abuse, also known as emotional abuse, is a pattern of speech and behavior used to manipulate, intimidate, and maintain power and control over someone. It can include insults, humiliation, ridicule, the silent treatment, and attempts to scare, isolate, and control. Verbal abuse can start with small signals making it hard to recognize as abuse, but it can escalate into physical abuse if the abuser keeps others under his thumb.
Some signs of verbal abuse in marriage include withholding oxygen, humiliation, and criticism. Withholding oxygen is a serious problem, as respect is like oxygen to men. Emotional abuse, distinct from physical violence, involves speech and/or behavior that is derogating, controlling, punishing, or causing pain.
Vorbal abuse takes place in the context of a relationship and the damage done rises in direct proportion to the importance of the relationship. It is important to recognize the signs of verbal abuse and find the right kind of help. The National Domestic Violence, Child Abuse & Elderly Abuse Hotline is a resource for those experiencing verbal abuse and offers support and resources to help them navigate their relationship.
In conclusion, verbal abuse in marriages and other romantic relationships can manifest in various ways, including name-calling, threats, public humiliation, blocking communication, discounting feelings, interrupting, and gaslighting. It is crucial to recognize and address these signs to prevent further abuse and maintain a healthy relationship.
📹 6 Signs Of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship You Shouldnt Ignore | BetterHelp
If you or someone you know is dealing with a challenging situation and could benefit from additional support, consider talking to …
📹 10 Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship | Dr. David Hawkins
We have all experienced relational conflict at one time or another, and probably said and done some things in the heat of an …
I used to wonder why my relationships always ended badly, then one day I realised that l was the problem. I refused to believe it at first but when I started really being honest with myself I could see that I was dishonest, selfish and emotionally manipulative. It’s sad to think how many people out there are just like me but will never have the come-to-Jesus moment that I did, and go wrecking lives with no idea that they’re a monster.
Sadly, not all counselors/therapists have the skill to help. I am a therapist myself, and have experienced the abusive tactics contained in this article, and have sought out therapy but despite quite a few attempts, have not found many therapists skilled in this area. That was an eye opener. Maybe a article on how to find such a therapist would help (I provide such help to my clients, but of course, I cannot help myself, such is the nature of therapy and human connection). This article is excellent and I have shared it.
What a quite interesting and informative article I have found! This article shows really possible situations that happen in the lives of all people sometimes. Emotionally abusive relationships become one of the worst headaches when we do not know how to detect it, the worst decision is not to finish it and have to deal with it. Thanks for sharing this helpful article with us! I’ll be looking forward to watch your next articles!
When i told my therapist about my brorthers abusive controlling behaviour she told me that i still needed him in my life as i had no other person to turn to . He was abusive precisely because he knew how dependent i was on him for social interaction .i ditched the therapist and my brother and got my self respect back and a huge feeling of relief . Some people offering therapy are unqualified for thir job but keep taking your money anyway .
I have been in one and I didn’t even reliase it I’m embarrassed to say as he had me convinced it was all me and I needed professional help…and I was really convinced it was me too ! If I took a step out of his line he would leave me for days and block me, refuse rent owed if I got him angry and control with money, threaten to leave me if I didn’t let him be right..and would make out it was me with the problems and I believed it was me . I still love him weirdly it’s like an addiction but I don’t think I could go back as he won’t accept his behaviour or acknowledge it . It’s been 4 weeks since we split up and it’s hard I would usually beg him back and give him emotional control of me but no more I can’t . Thankyou for this article ❤️
I found the gaslighting term very interesting, what if the person genuinely can’t recall actual specifics of each word of their conversation… There are many times when you fight with your partner n might say things u don’t mean… N those were obviously said in the heat of the moment, which mostly u can’t recall while trying to reconcile.. you are not trying to deny anything you just don’t know.. what is the best way to deal with it
This is totally everything I face every day with my wife I really don’t think I can take much more of this from her,I feel very unhappy and depressed and I dont know why she treats me like this as all I try to do is be a good husband and man,I am ready to take my life to stop this constant emotional pain and abuse if I can’t find a solution but my wife just will not cooperate and try to make things better???.
How do I tell my friend her husband is abusing her because they only have one phone and he has the phone all the time and not letting her have a phone to call in case something happens to their child and he’s blocked my number so when he has the phone she can’t call him and she can’t call me if she needs someone to talk to
I have been repeating the same mistakes for years, until around 8 months ago, he owed me a fortune and was offended when I asked him to start paying back the loans, I dumped him, he was ugly, ( sorry but its true), I wasn’t prepared to spend another penny on him or a second of my time. He was married twice before and ran those women down constantly. They both left him too, I feel for his next victim, I hope she’s stronger and doesn’t let him borrow her savings. I have decided to stay single, I’m happier too 🤗
Im still confused. Sometimes he will “test” me, like I asked him if I could take an extra shift at work and he just said nope. And then I said “why not?” And he wouldnt answer so I took the shift. Then he got mad at me later and told me it was a test of trust to see if I was reliable or not? I know Im not an abuser but he constantly makes me feel like im abusing him. I know ive made some mistakes but I apoligized and he keeps bringing them back up. Its just a vicious cycle.
also my older daughter had told me every sunday my younger goes to the beach that me and him used to take them. But now he only goes with my younger one and her friend. i asked my daughter why she not with them and why she always goes to my moms house and never stays with her sister? She told she don’t with her dad and 8th graders. He’s not even supposed to be driving. Hawaii is a very weird state with their laws.
What about when he constantly says you’re a failure for everything that you do? Say you can’t cook or are not good at your job every single day and shouts at you, get angry evey single day? And then you lose your control and start acting violent towards yourself and him. Does that make you abuser or him?
HI LOVE I have been in relationship with Narissist for 7 years work my arse off to support her she argue so much and violent she end up punched me while I was holding my 2 years old boy but she said to social self service that I am violent I walk out a few months ago but everytime I go pick my kid up she provoke me and very nasty and if she find a little advance or anything about me she try to hurt me so much I even attempted suicide because I couldn’t figure it out why she is doing this and recently when I watch article on tiktok I understand what is Narissist but how to revenge or make her test there own medicine I always been quite and I just smile infrant of her but inside I am dying please I need help what to do if you have a little time please replay
My mom tried to control me in 2018….. She didn’t leave me alone…….I went to a counselor & asked for bus money home…..She would NOT allow it…..I was NEVER allowed to have any money from my government check! She allowed me to be around my boys & deliberately gave them money to buy $100.00 of alcohol…..drove them to the liquor store on Manor….Whatever! Total control! What was her game? She had 2 nurses come in & say that I really needed to go to the hospital! Then when I wouldn’t budge …..she SCREAMED for my children to come down! There were 4 people grabbing me to push me out the door! I didn’t know what to do but sit on the floor with my feet up SCREAMING…..I AM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN & HAVE RIGHTS!!!! Over & over & over again! With that they left me alone! That was the 1st time that my children ATTACKED ME! It was so weird, it’s like my mom was screaming through all 4 of them that day…..So if you will like Hitler & Charles Manson …….She,my mom controlled my children & nurses that day! Whatever lies that she told these 4 people to ATTACK ME will never be known! But when those 4 individuals talked it was like her talking to me…..They said the exact things that they would say…..Well all of my abuser’s SCREAMS the same ATTACKS!!!! There’s something really WRONG with you!!!! You need help!!!!
DUDE MY BROTHER KEEPS STARING AT ME DEAD IN THE EYE WHENEVER HE PASSES BY ME AND SLOWS DOWN LIKE WTF ITS SO CREEPY AND ANNOYING and he keeps enetring my room ….as ussual no concent uses my blow dryer and looks at me dead in the goes to the mirror and looks at himself and takes a glimpse at me thru the mirror and goes to the bathroom doing nothing no sound at all locked dorr idk what hes doing, and he’s walking so slowly, he even at one point opens the door does nothing and just stands there, and he’s been doing this for a while i told him to stop once and he started screamingggggg and hitting and throwing things and spitting at me, so i had to ignore him, and when he left he just left slowly..again AND HE LOOKS AT MY SCREEN, HE KEEPS STICKING HIS NOSE IN MY BUSINESS AND WHEN I DO IT HE GETS ALL MAD he allways tries to expose me to my parents, but when i do it he starts getting mad kicking hitting, chasing with a knife a hammer, and a steel stick put a remote in my eye and he did something so bad once that i cant even mention and he’s trying to look all buff and shit and looks at the shit i have and snatches it so fast and looks at me deadly and leaves slowly he even layed down in my room randomly on the ground wanna know something else??, remember that day when he took a pic of us talking to each other? bcs appearantly i waas wasting time while the uber was waiting for us, HE WAS 15 MINUTES AWAYYY he never lets us take pics of him he broke my phone and hit my head and kicked me for taking a photo of him oh an when i got home after he took that photo os us, i told my mom he was wrong and stuff, when my mom told him not to take pics of me, he got all mad threw a metal tissue box at me and kicked me and my rabbit in to the metal cage yeah he killed a cat 2 and he threw my bunny accross the room and he broke my window and he punched my tooth till it broke and bleeded very recent took my things used them then broke them all, and used half my shit for room decor he took my hoverboard guitar,skate board, pillow,teddy bears, headbands, hairties he kicked our mum punched her gave her bruises threw a shoe at her called her innapropriate names like slut/whore but my family swear to god when they lie especially my brother, they are hypcrites, immature, pathelogical liars so the police would actually think im the crazy and mental one oh and when we went to visit my cousins, and aunt they said he needed a mental hospital in just the 3 rd day and he ruins every fun moment and happy vacation for us he’s allways crying for no reason hitting raging making problems and he even yelled at our cousin in the iddle of the mall for sitting next to me, he was the only boy cousin we ha he was just 8 and once he wanted to visit the hotel with me the boy cousin, but my brother didnt want to stay in aunty’s house with the rest of the girls, and so my brother made a whole problem so noone was able to go to the hotel from my cousins, so that was a day waisted of drama, BCS OF HIM AS USUALL WOW SO MY BROTEHR FEEDS MY RABBIT CHEESE AND CHIPS KILLING IT AND WHEN I STEP IN TO TELL HIM HE ISNT SUPPOSED TO THAT, ITS GOING TO KILL THEM HE STARTS HITTING ME, ASKING ME WHY I WAS STICKING MY NOSE IN HIS BUSINESS BITCH U PUT UR NOSE IN MY FUCKING LAPTOP AND TRIED TO SNAP A PHOTO OF ME AND MY FRIENDS TO SHOW IT TO MOM AND HE WANTS TO FUCKING HIT ME FOR STICKING UP FOR MY PET?
Hi..can someone help me out with my possibly emotional abusive relationship? He’s cheated on every past girlfriend, even on me. He’s very depressed and drank during the time, which he usually never does, and broke down when I found out. He’d tell me no one would love me like I would, we hung out every single day, he’d say he wasnt thinking if I found a nude on his phone. He’d get aggressive and grab my face Or leg when I’d bring up the past or things he’d done to me. He would say he wanted to die when I’d try to break things off. He’s never mean to me or embarrasses me, or isolated me on purpose. He’s in college away from me and I don’t know what to do
Sad, but all ten describes my marriage. After 44 years I woke up and left. It’s been almost four months now and I feel much better. I thank God everyday for people like you who shed light on a situation that was difficult to explain to others without feeling like I was the crazy one. Now I know. It wasn’t me ❤❤❤
1. I do not feel safe. 2. Never talk about issues. 3. My opinion or choices not respected 4. Feel disregarded, voiceless, unheard in this relationship. 5. Person become enraged if I questioned anything, can’t disagree. 6. Care very little about my likes, hopes, things I value. 7. Always walking on eggshells. 8. Cause you to feel 9. Feel isolated and alone (still your joy and happiness) 10. Cause chronic stress and fatigue. 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ ⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️
All 10 describe my 53 yrs of marriage. I felt so alone and nervous and lost my voice for 3 yrs and could not speak a word. Speech therapy for 3 yrs because of a man who was controlling me . I did not enjoy going any where with him, in fear of being shot down if I spoke. It was not a relationship. He was such a miserable man to be with.
I was married 23 years and i blamed myself and tried to please. Wrong move cause he got worse. I wondered why i felt stupid and nervous all the time. It was affecting my memory, my self esteem and i had pains in my back. I was going crazy, i didnt want to be near him and i went out often. I met a man who listened and understood me. I went for counseling and i left my marriage. It has been a journey to recover and feel worthy. Glad to be away from the crazy making.
Dr. Hawkins, everything you say is true. I’m age 80, married over 50 years, dismissed red flags before the marriage, persisted in trying to please him, never gave up hope. Eventually, my body broke down. Now, I live with crippling autoimmune disorder that attacks my skin with horrible itchy blisters. I cannot live alone anymore and have nowhere to go. Please continue to educate people about the severe consequences of living with emotional abuse.
I’m in an extremely abusive relationship. I’ve reached a point of total isolation and insanity dealing with the ongoing psychological abuse. Leaving the relationship becomes like navigating a minefield, where I am the bad guy and I am horrible for leaving. He also lives in my house which makes me “leaving” a LOT more difficult. These relationships are life sucking.
Pretty much describes how my husband was heading. I started to stand up for myself and was seriously thinking about leaving. Then he got diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer. Turned out to be terminal. I threatened to leave him when he was screaming at me. He tried to blame the medicine he was on. I told him it wasn’t. I stayed with him to the end. He wasn’t like this when we got married. But, he started to drink and it changed him. I don’t miss the man he became, but I miss the man I married.
This is my life. I pretend to myself that it’s ok. I go to work and pretend to myself I have a normal home life. I need to get out of this. It’s taken over me and I’m alone with this empty angry nightmare of a man. I don’t talk at all because he will rubbish what I say. He doesn’t talk because he is an empty shell. He waits for me to break the silence so that he can rubbish what ever I say. He’s so defensive and acts like he’s under attack every time I speak to him. I’m very lonely and fed up. He’s horrible and I’ve had enough. He had a difficult childhood and I believe he’s stuck in his ways. I need to get out of this relationship.
My ex boyfriend just stared blankly at me when I expressed a concern about us- I asked him do you have anything to say? He calmly said No, then I asked”what are you thinking?” His answer- “I’m thinking I want to bend your fingers backwards!” And laughed saying “I’m joking!!” I knew then I was dealing with a person I knew nothing about. It was scary!!
This describes my whole life of mental and emotional abuse from the people who are supposed to care, love and nurture me My Parents. I have lived on antidepressants and a string of counsellors been hospitalised because of their abusive behaviour which lasted until the day each of them died. The day each of them died was more relief than grief. It set me free to work through the unhealthy effects of their ignorance and Nieves lack of parenting skills. It’s worth the pain and suffering to be healed.
Wow! You nailed it! I lasted for 43 yrs in the marriage but then when all of our children grew up and moved on in life, I was the only target so I moved out also. Most people will never know the person I knew because he is different around everybody else . I called him Mr. Jolly when others were around. No matter what I did he would find offense with it. But the last straw was when he said, he was more valuable than I was as the man of the house. So I walked away and gave him the house. That was a moment of truth, when I realized that was the root to his behavior towards me. Thank you for sharing this information with us all!
Sadly, this describes my marriage with my husband. He grew up in a very dysfunctional family and his father is narcissistic, controlling, manipulative, and abusive-emotionally, verbally, financially, borderline physically with his spouse and family members. So my husband’s model for marriage and family relations is based on this, it’s his “copy & paste” for his life as an adult. He never went to therapy/counseling or had healing from this. He didn’t get along with his dad and when I met him he seemed the complete opposite of his dad (very caring, kind, generous, sweet and wanted to be anything but his dad), but when he began behaving more like his dad and I became more and more unhappy in our marriage, he would gaslight me and minimize any problems, saying the problem was my expectations of marriage are very idealistic. Well, after 9 years, I’ve had enough. A counselor at church asked me why I wanted to stay in the marriage and told me it’s abusive and recommended a good lawyer, in short. I’ve finally realized it’s never going to get any better and my husband will never even take responsibility.
After 34 years of marriage, I have all 10 PLUS occasional physical abuse, and I’m certain I have complex PTSD. I left for 6 mos. back in 2006, came back, things got worse, then I asked him for a separation months ago, and he laughed it off. The last time I got something thrown at me that hit me I called the police got a restraining order and now we’re headed to divorce finally. Now, I’m finally going to be completely free, but my kids aren’t happy about the restraining order because it limits the grandkids from seeing both grandma and grandpa at their events. I’m struggling with their disapproval.😢
Quite shocking when you hear it from a professional… ALL of these things fit my 25 year marriage also…except that he “cares very little” about my likes, hopes,desires and feelings… no, he does not care AT ALL! It is isolating (and many times I do feel alone) because to EVERYONE ELSE my spouse is a “great guy”…but I have to experience his other side, the side that no one else gets to see or experience. But, I have come to appreciate that I am married to a grandiose or overt narcissist. I wish I could find a counselor who is educated in helping people who are dealing with narcissistic abuse in their life.
All ten of those was definitely in my short marriage. I got out before he could or would have killed me. Be careful if you start learning who these people are and standing up to them because they go into a narcissistic rage. It’s almost like some demon overtakes them. It’s really creepy and a very huge evil presence. Don’t get physically close. Sometimes when you feel terror it’s not time to confront but to hide and protect yourself. Then fight back legally etc.
Looking for patterns, occurrences over and over again. 1. I do not feel safe bringing a concern to him/her. 2. Cannot talk about issues without him/her becoming extremely angry. 3. My opinions, feelings, and choices are not respected or heard. 4. I feel disregarded, worthless, voiceless, and invisible in this relationship. 5. He/she becomes enraged if i question or contradict anything they do. 6. They know and care very little about my likes and dislikes, my values, hopes, and desires. 7. I feel as if i am always walking on egg shells. (Always guarding against their disapproval). 8. I often feel anxious when i am around this person. 9. It is difficult to put into words what it is like to be with this person, therefore, i feel extremely isolated and alone. 10. Because of all of this, i have chronic stress, fatigue, insomnia, signs of PTSD, possibly complex PTSD. There is No free exchange of thoughts, feelings, or information. (True communication)
I hope this helps someone. All of these fit me. I stayed for 20 year’s. This bled over into my job, i worked in the ER. The reason I say this, is because my son got very sick, and he died. It’s a long story. I stayed out of fear. It started with threat’s to my parents, then it was the kids. He always found something to make me tow the line. When I got out, it was because he got a hold of my Mom and drug her acrose my front yard. She found out what was going on, and she was trying to take up for me. 5ft 3in 110 lbs, against a 6ft 1in 190lb nothing but muscle. I’ve felt guilty, her and my kid’s going through this. I thought I was protecting them. I wasn’t. I put them through more, because i stayed. I’m a Christian, and thought God wanted me to stay, but I learned he didn’t. ❤ To anyone going through this, whether it’s woman or men. God bless you, and Dr hawkins, thank you. I just found this website.
These abusers know who they are abusing, what they’re trying to keep in check: a rare gem, something they admire and resent because they could never be, a beautiful and powerful soul that has the capacity to wreck them. They just don’t want their victims to see it, or anybody else. Stay strong if you’re going through this and remember who you are, and how invaluable you’d be to the right partner.
I have been searching YouTube for exactly this. I listened to several websites about narcissism, but they didn’t fit the description of my husband. Yours does. You have described my life to a T. I have been married to my “roommate” for over 28 years and have wanted to leave since my son was born. My life outside of my house is rich…. My school is my save haven… I am loved (truly loved) respected, and very successful there. I am going to watch all your articles a d learn so much more for myself and how to cope with my husband. Thanks for such enriching content.
As long as I don’t share anything going on with me and just listen to my mother’s issues, then everything goes fine. I wish I had learned this a few decades ago. She gave birth to me, but doesn’t want me to actually exist except to satisfy her psychological needs. One time she actually asked me how things were going with my business. I said about two sentences and she quickly tuned out. In the past that would have really upset me. But now I realize she’s just a narcissist, so she’s no longer able to trigger me with these sleights. I don’t take the bait anymore.
All of this is a description of my feelings in my last relationship. I checked out because of a deep despair of hopelessness and starving of security, affection and perspective. I was totally at my limits. The 11th question is: How can I let go the feeling that I’m the problem and I am an unlovable person?
This is my life. All those points are him. My husband has ASD, professionally he is worshipped but at home he feels he needs to attack any hurt I have over anything. He has to be right. He even told the DV counsellor he was required to see, he would prefer to be right than to be happy. But nothing changed. They didnt do anything for me. Any any hurt I have, is offensive to him. 35 years. Im trapped, no income of my own, no family support, and now I have early stages of heart faillure and advanced CVD. Im almost glad I might not have too many years now to put up with this. I dont want to live thur this much llonger. Thankyou for not making me feel its me at faultt.
Thank you for this! I have encountered all of these things with the narcissist family members. They ask you if you are alright and then act bored and completely unconcerned when you tell them what you are going through. It is as if they wanted information but not for the purpose of showing empathy. In fact, I think they asked so they have an opportunity to subtly put us down for our trial, as though it is not important to them at all. The narcissists always judge us in ways that are not true but we can’t clear it up because they say we are “complaining.” Everything we say and do is treated as though we are doing something foolish. Since I have removed myself the peace in my soul has increased, but is disrupted every time I know they are coming to visit. I pray and depend on the Lord to give me the words and reactions only He wants.
Very well presented. I can really appreciate the emotionally abusive angle, instead of talking about narcissistic behavior. This all fits my life and I am on the cusp of putting an end to it. The one thing you should mention, if you do this article again, is that for most people the emotionally abusive person works hard to establish how much they can get away with and is often very intermittent with the worst of their behavior, so that the one being abused doesn’t completely figure it out and leave before the abuser wants them to. In fact, they often want to be the one who discards since they are, paradoxically, afraid you’ll leave them.
I heard screaming and yelling for over 10 years! If I asked for breakfast while working from home, it would be a screaming episode! It would be 4-5-6 hours later she would cook one egg and a few pieces of bacon after cussing me, telling to STFU. For 4 years plus she would argue over preparing breakfast as I worked in the other room 9-10-11-12 hours a day. I would walk the dog, cook, clean up all while working from home while she would say, I was going to do that. I would ask for help, she would ignore me, even when I would call out to her (knowing she heard me), she would still ignore me. Being married, living in another state, it was painful and awful to deal with. I tried for years to save my marriage to no avail! She would get angry about my feeding the dog, not mistreating the dog, but feeding him, and I LOVE dogs/animals. If she saw me showing the dog affection, she would shake her head in disgust. Having cancer, suffering from migraines, and PTSD, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was her anger and getting it out. The amount of anger got even worse after she had a stroke. When she wasn’t screaming or angry, I would pick a spot/time to express myself, but it would end in a screaming episode or outright denial. I am blessed to sing, write music and share inspirational articles, and not one time has she ever commented on one a message or article! But she would express her anger in the drop of a hat about anything, about nothing. After years of this I found myself being quiet (QUIET/QUIET) in order not to cause a screaming episode and sinking into a deep depression.
I worked in a very emotionally abusive workplace under a narcassist. He was known in the industry to have a toxic workplace and I was warned before taking the gig how toxic the environment was. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because of the human and heart in me, but I soon recognized what I was dealing with. I now know not to feel the need to waste time with people who are treating me so poorly regardless of pay.
This was my relationship for the last 4-5 years… the biggest problem is, I was the abuser and I didn’t realize it. I was the asshole monster and my wife suffered through this a long time. She finally detached of course, but now I have realized what I have done all this time and I cannot forgive myself. How could she?
This describes my relationship. Less than a year so not as bad as others but he is the only person i have in my life, no friends, no family and so it’s now co-dependant and i’m worried about beingn totally alone wothout him. Started therapy today so hopefully after a while i’ll feel strong enough to return to the workforce and be alone. Thank you for this.
This has been my experience the past 3 years. It was hard leaving since he kept promising me things he was going to do but noting was materializing but finally he ghosted me after I started detaching from the relationship and I stopped caring too. I have so far gone no contact, deleted his contacts and I do not look forward to ever talking to him again. He was also manipulative, gaslighting, refuses to be accountable and constantly lying. He was jealous that I have my own apartment and he had nothing. I refused to co-sign a loan facility and he became so enraged and bitter. He never supported my goals. He refused to attend my graduation, claiming he got stomach problems which was a lie, he ignored my birthdays. I am happy I left
Unfortunately this applies to my youngest daughter whom last January had to completely cut out of my life … for years she would rob my home of many items when confronted blame me I was crazy …she withheld my grandchildren from us … last time was 8 years… of no contact because I confronted her with more home theft….we missed the most important development of our grandsons lives… I just can’t have this in my life any longer..@ 70 years old I’m focused on MY mental well being… no more making excuses for others…🙏Amen
I truly can check off all 10 things you said repeatedly. I even do it, but I wasn’t supposed to do and came to him and told him he’s being emotionally abusive and I think he’s a narcissist. Because I’m such a superior empath, I attracted one of the most worst narcissist I ever could. It’s not just emotional abuse. I could tell everyone so many stories that are horrifying. He’s done to me that literally shouldn’t even be legal. It’s bringing me down and he’s currently sleep depriving me. When I told him how I felt, I expected him to give me some of that temporary trauma bond. Nope he said he agrees this is crazy.
What can we do when you weren’t married but have children with him. He’s a millionaire, the children have been privately educated from age 3 & now approaching 16 but he’s continually threatening the cost of their education? Meanwhile he owns 2 cars, a Bentley Continental & top of the range Mercedes. Owns property in excess of £5 million. Owns an accountancy practice and building development firm. We’re reliant on what he decides is ‘child maintenance’, which he already halved 3 years ago leaving us struggling since. He shames me and my parenting at every chance. I stopped defending myself years ago upon realising his enjoyment & excitement from it!!! Same with our children. They sadly rely on him for their education so are too frightened to confront him
Thank you Dr. David Hawkins for this information! Now I have a clear understanding that I am in an emotionally abusive relationship at work and at home. At work since my coworker told me off one early morning after I just said good morning to her, I always been walking on eggshells. I always say prayers before arriving to work to give me strength and get me through the day. But I always feel anxious around my coworker. I’m deciding to find a remote job. This is my third time being in a toxic work environment with coworkers who were emotionally abusive. Every day I am physically and mentally exhausted. Then to go home and deal with another person who is emotionally abusive to me adds more to my exhaustion. I realized it’s time for a change for the better.
Dear Dr. Hawkins… thank you for breathing some sanity into my life. I apprciate this post so much. After perusal it… I am sure I am being emotionally abused. I just do no know where to do about it. Kindof like a deer in headlights. My husband of 30 years has not talked to me for over a week. The silent treatments have increased over the years when he left our faith and his disease progressed. I am not sure what to do. I have a very delicate situation as he is in a wheelchair now (a recent development) but I do not know how much longer I can live like this. I checked the box on all ten signs. I was disgarded a year ago when he filed for divorce but then realized “he was still in love with me”. I feel he is concerned about what I can do for him and when I do not do what he wants to me to do… I am shamed and criticized. I also take care of my 90 year old mother who lives in her own apartment on the side of our house. I feel stuck and unappreciated, unloved and used. Every time I see my husband coming… I get nervous and wonder what I am in trouble for now. I am not sure where to go from here… each day I become more desperate and less like my true self.
Thank you for sharing this. This is an extremly difficult situation especially when there is a 2 year old child in a relationship, who needs stability and a father. I feel like if I step away, I’d do good for myself, but what about the little human being who built up his own world around us. I wish I had ecountered this article a couple of years back.
So succinctly put, so descriptive of my 45 year marriage. Why could I not have known this years ago? My life is destroyed and wasted by this evil person who also did this to my children and slandered me to them. A few life years of normalcy would be th3 most I could expect before I die. Don’t be a sad person like me. I’m devastated to end up here but so grateful to eventually find that this is an actual problem and not just me.
At least nine of those symptoms describe my relationship with my wife. I protect myself by saying very little to her. She feels my opinions aren’t valid and that I am always wrong on issues and she’s right. If I want to bring up a suggestion or talk with her about an issue it is disregarded or wrong. I feel like I am an unwanted roommate.
I am Subscribed. Sadly, so sad to admit that after perusal this article, which is so to the POINT; out of the 10 Signs you talk about, at least 8 of them apply to the person I have been in a relationship with for over 3 decades. It has had it’s good sides, some great. Yet that does not change the damage it has done to both of us.
I have CPTSD from many years of abuse from a narcissistic mother, alcoholic father, severe bullying at a Catholic school (I did not have bullying problems at public schools), and being blamed for being bullied by a therapist. The therapist told me I was bullied because my mother taught me how to be bullied. People who bullied me bullied others as well. I was not the only one and they were very different people from me. I don’t trust anyone and doubt that I ever will. I am surprised the therapist didn’t say I was sexually harassed on the job because my abuser as a child “taught” me how to be sexually harassed.
Thank you, I finally got out 23 years ago. Triggers pull me back in that devastation. Right now I’m there and just want to die. I’ve attempted suicide before a long time ago. I get in a okay place then it’s tripped off again. I just can’t shake it. I’m trying to find someone to help but that’s so hard too. I don’t trust anyone!
Would it be possible for you to discuss the pathological loneliness that seems to be another sad outcome of being scapegoated? I feel sooo lonely…so much so that it feels like pain deep in my chest. Feeling like “being on the outside looking in” rather than like I belong or accepted for who I am; both because I have been discarded over & over again by my family, but also due to feeling that there’s something wrong with me stemming from Childhood PTSD. I mean, I know that’s not logical or correct…it’s from emotional trauma…from being pushed out again & again by family & “friends” that’s caused this feeling of being unlovable/unlikeable. But the loneliness is REAL….after decades of narcissistic abuse (my husband is a covert narcissist, but I can’t afford$ to leave him) from family & even friends (of course I was attracted to attachment/treatment that was familiar albeit abusive) 😢. I’ve got nobody left except my 2 adult children whom I’m in healthy relationships with, thank God! Thank you for your articles!!
Most of these are present in my marriage. One thing he does that makes me feel so confused is when I try to talk to him about anything (finances, our son, etc) he makes it miserable and gets very defensive and angry (probably out of his own guilt/shame) and yells and threatens to leave (which he never does!) and then blames me for his aggressive reaction, “You can’t just run your mouth and expect for nothing to happen. What you do has consequences!” So then I feel like I can’t talk about anything and nothing ever gets resolved. I’ve been a SAHM for 20 yrs so my work experience is outdated and I’m not sure what kind of job I could get. Oftentimes, I don’t feel like I could handle a job outside of the home due to stress, anxiety and exhaustion.
I recognise all ten in my 35 years relationship. I have a paralysing fear: all ten are often what i am being accused of. When i listen to these ten things, i have a warning that says: as soon as i would express this, it will be turned around and thrown at me. Second huge fear: losing my three adult sons, since the smart way of hiding it and also the loyalty and personal pain of our three sons. Thank you so much for putting out these article’s. God bless
I feel much more than 10 points .. i feel as if i was hypnotized for 8 years, believing everything and suddenly i woke up on a huge number of lies, hidden plans and manipulation! As if i was living a virtual life, which is totally different from the real life! Do you think this describes the relation with a psychopathic?
1. you don’t feel safe expressing concerns. 2. you can’t talk about issues without them getting angry, shift blaming, playing th victim, etc. 3. your opinions, choices, feelings aren’t respetd 4. you feel disregarded, unheard, invisible 5. they become enraged if you disagree or challenge them they become enraged 6. they care very little about your feelings, hopes, desires 7. you feel like you’re walking on eggshells, nothing you do is right, they don’t approve of anything 8. you often feel ancious around this person 9. you feel very isolated and alone 10. you have chronic stress, fatigue, insomnia, ptsd or complex trauma signs
I think this is the 1st article I have listened that has clearly explained what I go through I used to lack words to explain how I am treated but today this has outlined clearly I feel like my life is in some trap and can’t do anything about it cz no one understands what I want or feel …sometimes I feel like am forced to live in the shadow of my spouse to accomplish his desires while mine fade away I don’t know who I am anymore
I recently ended a 15 year long friendship and this list was spot on for me. After ending it I suddenly felt all this anxiety leave my body. So much stress and fear that I wasn’t even consciously aware I was carrying. In the months since our “break up” my depression is gone, my mood is stable and my overall quality of life is so much better! (For the record, this former “friend” has been officially diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder, refuses to go to therapy and self medicates by smoking weed…)
I left my husband of 6 years and I answered yes to all of these questions I’ve been to counseling I left my husband 1 year ago and have been seeing MH for all of this past year. I’m becoming a full person again but I still have a long ways to go but I feel alive again and working towards being whole again I due thinks I have PTSD your articles make me see I’m not alone and I’m worth fighting for and I can be happy and enjoy life again. Thank you
🥲omg are yiu the David Hawkins… MD PhD…that wrote Healing and Recovery 🤯🤩😍 what a “meaningful coincidence” you showed up on my feed…. since the last time I was healing from this in 2020… only to find myself in limmerence again, but with therapy, getting out of isolation, and out of the relationship. Your writing is incredibly clear and objective to me and holds a lot of truth, especially from a Buddhist or Taoist lens, your perspectives make it easier to fit healing into my chosen philosphies within the workings of a westernized mind ❤ you are truly helpful, thank you for your work. Excited to subscribe to the website.
You are right, you also should have mentioned name calling, psychological labelling, especially being called narcissist because you refuse treated like subhuman, breadcrumbing,abandonment in times of need, lack of communication, being blocked and unblocked randomly,being called anxiously attached the list is endless and when you cut them off and feel relieved? You know you’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship.
Oh wow, this is hitting home. My partner of 5 years didn’t understand the sort of work I did, even though everyone else that knows me does. She said “Well it’s not on your linkedIn profile so how would I know!”. I don’t really use linkedin having been self-employed for over 20 years. I couldn’t believe that.
The thing that has helped me is to realize that I don’t have to figure out or name/label every single behavior in order to have the right to be free from it. If I can get clarity on just one thing as being abusive, that is enough. Also, not every one of these has to be present. One thing is enough. For me, the big one was realizing that I was truly unable to bring complaints or even just requests for changed behavior to him. That alone makes intimacy and freedom in a relationship impossible.
Definitely had this with my mother, my ex, and a sibling. I thought said sibling was better but I recently had to move in with them and these last two weeks have been so difficult and frustrating. I’ve done so much inner work and I just want to talk to them but my old traumatized inner child is showing up big time.
Signs 7 and 8 resonated most powerfully for me. It was my second marriage, and I didn’t want it to fail, so I stuck with this guy, even though he was so clearly emotionally abusive. I remember every day, as I pulled into our driveway after work, I would feel a sense of dread in the pit of my stomach and my heart would race. I filed for divorce after not quite three years of marriage, but he expressed remorse and promised he would change, so I put the divorce on hold. Of course, he almost instantly reverted to his old patterns. It wasn’t until he put hands on me a few months later that I went through with the divorce. It cost me a lot of money, but the freedom, the feeling of weightlessness that I felt when it was over was worth every last penny.
Hi, I fit all 10 and its helped me to see this. Probably 5 decades of it. I have auto immune health issues and am just very weary and exhausted by life. I have a very deep faith in God and i know i would not be here if i didnt know the love that is poured in to me by my Father God. I am a gentle girl,dreams have been crushed and smoothered by how others have treated me. Trying at present to rise,heal and recover. My marriage of 33 years has been very confusing, until we found out my husband is Aspergers. Continual meltdowns,defensive behaviour has taken its toll. I am now separating the 3 things i have realised,his childhood was not easy,hes aspergers plus hes abusive. Having to work through this all with my damage and his different way of handling things is hard. Both of us heartbroken and confused. Its very hard to heal things as its me that has to try to mend things and im so broken and tired. Thank you for the above its helped me realise things.
Sounds exactly like the guy whom I broke up with two days ago. We were in a relationship for 2 months. And I am glad that I ended it. He asked me if I was treating him like a tissue paper. I told him that, I’m choosing my self-respect, freedom and peace of mind over being in a relationship with him. I’m a childhood SA survivor. Whenever, I used to try to talk about it, he used to evade the topic. I was just recovering from depression (depressed from 30 years) and hadn’t harmed myself from nearly 4 months. Getting into a relationship pushed me back to where I was. Also, on the very third day he borrowed my entire month’s salary from me. He gave me his bike as security, though. Now I’m in contact with him only to get my money back.
Dr Hawkins, I’m 10/10… do I get a gold star? Thank you so much for your article, I spent 20+ years in this situation and now, 20 years later I am ‘damaged’. Confidence and trust gone, wearing a figurative suit of armour (for protection from what may be an army of individuals who will do likewise.) I also had a lifetime of being courted by shysters, money, money, money. (And me, a lower income earner. I guess it all depends what level they’re coming from) Thank you again, I’m not alone, ❤
My relationship with my wife of 20 years for sure. Even my kids have felt it and dealt with it. She has done some therapy and dbt, but she still is controlling, can’t take accountability for her actions openly and in a timely manner, uses all the excuses to not be honest and accountable, uses aggressive communication, uses guilting language, plays the victim and thinks she actually is the biggest victim of our relationship (when actually we both are because of bad communication skills)
Oh my gosh 😅this article was 😢 mind blowing 😪🥲❤️ and really hit deep for me especially because I thought I was going crazy for so long feeling so strongly that I didn’t exist in my relationship with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. All of this has been happening to me ❤❤❤ thank you so much for sharing something that nobody ever could have told me.
I dealt with a very emotionally and physical husband who left me for another woman. To cope l drank and became soaked in alcoholism. Domestic violence is real and it can work both ways. Too often we sweep it under the carpet. My has been husband freed me and I am now sober. Thanks for posting this article.
PLEASE READ THIS DR.!! WHAT A GREAT article!!! ***PLEASE Can YOU HELP ME… OR SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP, OR HELP ME?? IT IS THAT BAD…I HAVE ALMOST LOST MYSELF… I FEEL THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME AT THIS POINT!!! **PLEASE TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT OR HOW TO DO ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE!! I AM SOO Isolated (and been this way for too Long Now), Confused, Depressed, from ALL THIS!! **I cant even Explain or even put into Words.. to Explain how BAD this is!!
When I was married, I was in this situation. 11 years later, I began to have feelings towards a man that made me feel identical to what you are talking about but this time I paid attention and started calling them out on their crap and also started taking a lot of their access to me almost down to zero. I can tolerate their friendship right now but I’m very close to Block-Mode🤣
My ex husband was twisted, he would claim he was being a christian by confessing his sins against me, tell me the most hurtful, rejection filled, most betraying things he did to me, but never say sorry, and then when i wld cry and want to talk about it, he would just give me a cold stare but refuse to answer me or validate or listen, he would then walk away, leave, and the only sorry i recieved was just a forced sorry or im sorry you feel that way.
Thank you! Well they can’t communicate what they feel, like, don’t like, with calm words, therefore they communicate through passive aggressive actions. Snapping, spending an hour brushing teeth, not greeting, etc. They had a childhood where passive aggressive behaviours, instead of calm words, were for some reason important to use. The spouse will be punished for not being a mindreader.
This is my current marriage of 12 years to the tee! Plus add some gaslighting, financial control, verbal abuse, some physical altercations, victim mentality and more. You can’t describe to other people how this affects your life. I’m trying my best to navigate this situation with two minor children. I know I absolutely need to leave but it’s really tough to plan and execute. At least I know I’m not crazy!
Wow, you put into words exactly my marriage. I’ve said so many times until I’m blue in the face to everyone: I feel disregarded, I feel disrespected, I feel unheard, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. I was so miserable. The day I realized this was not for me, my whole life changed. I’m going home to break up with my husband soon, and I couldnt be happier!
One aspect of genuinely narcissistic (because that word gets way overused nowadays) dynamics is that both the victim and the abuser would answer yes to all of these examples. It can be really complicated to determine who is telling the truth from the outside because in cases where the actual perpetrator is pretty intelligent, they can represent themselves as pretty believable when mirroring the blame.
8 years and still going through all of this.. 🙁 whenever i try to contradict, or call out her bad behaviour, especially when it comes to our kids. I get a rage answer always to do with ‘well you not with the kids all day, you have no idea’ every day she talks bad about them or what they have dne. i know kids can be hard but not to the point you keep saying how u hate ur life. even tho i say i will stay home with the kids, work part time and she gets a full time job. just stone walls me when i bring it up. i really feel for my kids when im not with them, they get spoken to so bad it breaks my heart 🙁
It’s sad. I love my dad very much, but I have been putting up with this for so long and didn’t even know it. Every single sign checked off in my head, like yep that fits because of this time or that time. And it’s not like I can do anything but hope to find a decent therapist and hope things get better with help.
Wow, this hits hard for me as my wife is all 10 of these. I’ve been married to her for 7 years and recently had a baby girl with her. On the outside, everything looks good but I’ve dealt with constant emotional and even mental abuse from her for the last few years. I’m not innocent in this at all as I’ve abused her in the past and I acknowledge that. I’m currently in therapy and am doing my part to work this part of me out but my wife doesn’t see and even believe that she is abusive to me. One example is when she is abusing me verbally, I walk away as I’m getting to my max and am not wanting to do anything that will cause more harm but she sees it as abusing her. To me, it tells me that she would rather me take the abuse instead of doing the right thing, which would be to disengage and cool down. I’m asking myself is it worth it to be in a marriage like this. I know I’ve done things to her that I am forever sorry for and am taking steps to work on these. She though is not putting any work in helping herself and gaslights me by putting it all back on me and doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m feeling helpless and not sure what to do. A part of me wants to get out but another part of me wants to work this out knowing that I have a baby to take care of. What should I do?
Well, the devaluation and discard phase has begun yet again. It was an instant emotional abuse relationship the moment I got out of the moving van almost 3 years ago. I do not drive, as I come from a city where there are many modes of transportation. He overstressed the fact that driving me to and from work would NEVER be a problem and now he tells me at least twice a week that I must take an Uber because he can’t pick me up 😒😒😒😒
I almost married one… matched all 10 traits. I begged him to share premarital counseling but he refused. It was paid in full via my insurance. Light bulb, he never wanted to make me happy. He cared only about what it looked like from the outside for him and what he could take from me. I am the higher earner also. Wedding off and sadly, he gave up his home and thought the guilt was my price for his sacrifice. I prayed him away and he moved out of town. If there is not trust, there is no relationship. A liar is poison🤢