Verbal abuse is a form of emotional abuse where a person uses their words to manipulate and control another person. It is a painful and complex form of abuse, often occurring in marriages, workplaces, schools, families, and friendships. Verbal abuse is not about harsh words spoken in anger or insults thrown offhandedly but the systematic use of language in an abusive manner.
Verbal abuse can be as hurtful as physical abuse, leading to a higher risk of post-trauma stress disorder and a serious psychological collapse for the abuser. Personal indications of emotional abuse include feeling withdrawn, worthless, or fearful. Exiting an abusive situation is possible and healing can be achieved.
Voral abuse can be any way a partner uses their language to exert control in the relationship. Trivializing is another form of verbal abuse that makes most things the victim does or wants to do seem insignificant. Emotional isolation from family and friends is also one of the signs of emotional abuse.
Propagation of fear is another sign of verbal abuse, as it can come in various flavors, from the abusive partner threatening harm to themselves and/or others. Name-calling, insulting, or belittling can be used to undermine self-esteem. Frequent shouting and yelling in a marriage can be an intimidating form of verbal abuse.
Intimate partner violence (IPV) is considered a human rights violation, and understanding the signs of verbal and emotional abuse is crucial for healing and preventing further harm.
📹 6 Signs Of An Emotionally Abusive Relationship You Shouldnt Ignore | BetterHelp
The abuser tells their victim that they won’t be able to do better or find love. The victim often hides the mental or emotional abuse …
What are 10 indicators of emotional abuse?
Emotional abuse can cause low self-esteem, difficulty controlling emotions, and extreme behavior. It can also make it hard to form and keep relationships.
Learn more about emotional abuse and its effects on children here. Knowing the signs of emotional abuse helps children speak up. Any child can be a victim of emotional abuse. When families are struggling, parents may not be able to provide a loving home for their child. Some signs of emotional abuse might be normal teenage behavior, and it can be hard to tell if a child is being emotionally abused. Because emotional abuse is often hidden, it’s important to look for signs in how a child acts.
What is the difference between emotional abuse and verbal abuse?
Verbal abuse includes withholding, countering, and discounting. Emotional abuse uses hurtful tactics to manipulate and mistreat the victim. Emotional abuse includes criticism, humiliation, and control. We sometimes use the terms “verbal abuse” and “emotional abuse” interchangeably, but we shouldn’t. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are different. They have different characteristics and impacts. Verbal abuse: Using or not using language in an aggressive way. Verbal abuse is using words to hurt or control someone. This form of abuse is often in the form of aggressive words, but it can also be the suppression of language used to hurt or dehumanize another individual. This form of abuse is not always the same. It could be a man yelling at his wife or ignoring her. Verbal abuse can take many forms.
What is narcissistic emotional abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is when the abuser only cares about themselves and uses words and actions to control their partner. The effects of narcissistic abuse depend on how long you can endure it. The effects range from mild to severe. Some survivors recover, while others may sustain lifelong damage. Here’s how narcissistic abuse affects your life.
Anxiety. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse live with anxiety. After narcissistic abuse, you may be afraid of new relationships. People who leave abusive relationships may feel panicked and disoriented when they’re not with their abusers. If you have anxiety attacks, panic attacks, or hypervigilance after being abused by a narcissist, know that these symptoms will ease over time.
What words can destroy a narcissist?
Dealing with a narcissist can be hard, but there are words you can use to disarm them. Use words like “no,” “accountability,” “consequences,” and “empathy” to challenge a narcissist’s sense of superiority and hold them accountable for their behavior. You need to set boundaries and stand up for yourself when dealing with a narcissist.
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What are the 4 D’s of narcissistic abuse?
Being married to a narcissist is hard. That’s why many marriages end in divorce. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and divorce go together a lot. We’ll coin a new phrase to show how NPD can damage marriages.
Deny: People with NPD often deny anything that could hurt them. This often happens in arguments when the narcissist goes too far. They say something cruel and then deny it. Dismiss: If a narcissist can’t deny something, they’ll just dismiss it. Did your NPD spouse spend too much money on sports stuff last week and now you’re worried about making that car payment? They say you’re overreacting, even if you have proof you’re in debt. Devalue: A narcissist is scared of someone with too much self-confidence because they don’t have any for themselves. They’ll try to make their spouse look bad. A narcissist talks down to their spouse to make them doubt themselves and feel less valuable. They create a new story to make them look right. Divorce: If you want to get away from a spouse with NPD, you have to divorce them. People who want to divorce a narcissist shouldn’t feel guilty. Narcissists abuse their partners emotionally. Nobody deserves abuse. If you think divorce is the right choice, file for it! Beware of narcissists’ apologies. If you give your NPD spouse divorce papers, they’ll try to change your mind. They’ll probably apologize, but watch out! It won’t be the same as an apology from someone without NPD. It will be an apology designed to make you feel bad.
What are the 7 signs of emotional abuse?
7 signs you’ve been emotionally abused by a parent, partner, or someone close to you:
Emotional abuse can take the form of making you doubt reality, isolating you from loved ones, expressing extreme jealousy and unpredictable anger.
Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you’re on the go. Emotional abuse is hard to spot, but it can be just as bad as physical abuse and cause mental health problems like depression and low self-esteem.
What are 4 examples of emotional abuse?
Humiliating or constantly criticizing a child; threatening, shouting at a child or calling them names; making the child the subject of jokes, or using sarcasm to hurt a child; blaming and scapegoating; making a child perform degrading acts; not recognizing a child’s individuality or trying to control their lives; pushing a child too hard or not recognizing their limitations. Exposing a child to upsetting events or situations, like domestic abuse or drug use; not promoting a child’s social development; not allowing them to have friends; being absent; being manipulative; never showing any emotions in interactions with a child.
Signs of emotional abuse. There might not be any obvious signs of emotional abuse or neglect. A child might not tell anyone what’s happening until they’re in trouble. Look for signs in how a child acts. As children grow, their emotions change. It can be hard to tell if they’re being emotionally abused. Children who are being emotionally abused might:
What words are considered verbal abuse?
Signs of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is using words to hurt another person. This can include yelling, screaming, or swearing. These behaviors are attempts to gain power and control you. It is abusive and should not be tolerated. Verbal abuse can also be subtle. People who are abused verbally often doubt if what they are experiencing is really abuse. They wonder if it’s a big deal. If you are being verbally abused, you may notice:
What are 6 behaviors that indicate emotional abuse?
7 signs you’ve been emotionally abused by a parent, partner, or someone close to you: Emotional abuse is hard to spot, but it can be just as bad as physical abuse and lead to mental health problems. Any relationship can become abusive. Look for signs like gaslighting and extreme jealousy if you think you’re in an abusive relationship.
Which of the following are examples of verbal abuse?
Common signs of verbal abuse include name-calling. Insulting someone is abusive. … Criticizing and judging. Degradation. … Threatening. … Screaming. … Gaslighting. … Manipulating.
📹 Verbal Abuse in Relationships — Know the Signs You Should Not Ignore
Verbal abuse in relationships is more than just name-calling and yelling. Know the signs! Verbal abuse is a form of emotional and …
When I was a child, my brother would always call me fat. Instead of addressing me by my name he would say “fat.” My parents would never stop him. My mother especially would not care. Whenever I would express my feelings, she would stonewall by changing the subject. I went no contact with these people and moved on.
Verbal abuse can be crippling…. especially when u see them so nice to othe people… it breaks your soul truley…. the one up game never stops even if they can insult such a tiny thing they will… everything you do is wrong…. then we just try everything to get into the good place so they can stop… wich leads us down the rabbit hole… Thank you Lisa this helps so much. Radical Acceptance. They were dropped at birth hahaha lotsa love
Growing up I was always asked, “what’s wrong with you?” I spent my life trying to figure out what it was and I finally did…nothing. There was never anything “wrong” with ME. I just had a covert narcissist for a mother and a codependent/enabler for a father. I now go to therapy and am asked by the family members I do still talk to when I’ll be “fixed”. I was “fixed” the day I figured it out. Everything became clear and finally made sense. I got out of the FOG. They don’t like me being “fixed”. They like me broken and in my assigned role of scapegoat. The truth is, we just want different things. I want to be happy and free and they want me sad and caged. I’m never going back. I hope they’re having fun on the Titanic. I’m doing great on my rescue boat. I wish they would have come with but I guess they didn’t think there was enough room on the door.
My mom called me “too sensitive” since I was a small child. When she’d upset me with cruel words, her excuse was always, “I’m just teasing.” I’m 27 now, and I believed that I was the problem up until I found your website a couple years ago. My mother’s abuse lead to a lot of problems in my adult life which I’m currently working through now, but I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. The clarity you’ve given me surrounding my childhood is so valuable and life-changing. It’s not me, and it never was–it’s my faulty programming.
My ex verbally abused me for years. Whenever I would call him out when I had an instinct that he was lying and confronted him, I’d be called crazy, psychotic and delusional. And 99% of the time, my instincts were correct…he was a manipulative, pathological liar. So glad I got out and got away from that abuse.
Yes, some people will disagree with everything you say just to disagree with you. This is indeed verbal abuse. Another type of verbal abuse is inappropriate laughter. I had a colleague who had the most hideous, sarcastic laugh that she would unleash on people regularly. She didn’t need to utter a word, and it was still painful to be on the receiving end of it. My current boss giggles during my annual evaluations about problems I’m having.
I needed this today. My ex would say all the time, people who have anxiety are stupid, or people who worry are stupid. It would crush me because those are issues I struggle with but he doesnt so he couldn’t relate. Rage issues. Constantly walking on eggshells because I was afraid of upsetting him. I couldnt see verbal abuse has been a pattern throughout my life. No more. 32 currently going through a divorce after 10 years. Focused on my healing and self love. Changing patterns and developing healthy boundaries. Love to you all!!!
I was listening to this while making lunch, and I began to cry. I”m three years no contact from my family that is toxic and narcissistic . It’s so sad and painful to realize the abuse I put up with including phrases like: You’re too insensitive, You can’t take a joke, You take things too seriously, You’re just starting an argument or complaining all the time ON A REGULAR BASIS. I realize as hard as it is (and I am feeling better, but still on that healing journey) that I was being verbally and emotionally abused. The fact that my parents (apart from a Christmas card signed only love mom and dad) don’t think I’m valuable enough to at least have some relationship with. But you know what? That’s fine with me. Going back would just destroy everything I’ve done to get better. It’s also what to do with the attempts by them trying to getting on my facebook, or sending an invitation to a baby shower, but never hearing the phone ring. I think it’s just mind games and I deserve better that this. My question is: How to you deal with the fact parents are aging and not having any regrets with them? Going back with be a disaster. It’s a difficult place to be.
Answered a big YES to every single question. I am just trying to figure out how I can do this; Get away from him and regain my peace of mind and sanity. I stupidly moved to his home state with our two young children 2 and a half years ago. 2 years ago I had my first Multiple Sclerosis flareup. He’s even cold and unsympathetic of my disease. I can literally feel his hatred and resentment whenever I try and explain new symptoms. So needless to say, after several years of mental, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse, I feel stuck. If we didn’t have two children I would have left him in a heartbeat. And yet, because of the children I know I need to figure out how to escape his toxicity for my babies. Wish me luck ❤
I think it’s VERY important for ALL of us to face our childhood traumas. Most of us were abused as children we then ACCEPT abuse by our partners. Trauma is when we don’t respond to the present moment, we respond to the past. Think about your past. Again, if you are being abused, think about your past.
Absolutely! Patricia Evans provides definitions and descriptions to feelings and behaviors that lock/freeze you into the inability to respond, set boundaries, and stand up for yourself. You will find yourself saying, “Oh, that’s why…..!” It is intentional, strategic, and exhausting. Learn and think differently to behave differently.Thank you for your articles!
Gawd! My ex would tell me nasty jokes I remember hearing in middleschool and didn’t think it was funny even as a child. When I didnt laugh he would freak out, get in my face yell at me and say all these things. He would tell me I didn’t have a sense of humor. (I’m a grown woman why would I laugh at middleschool Pnis jokes?) Also he would constantly try to one up my actual accomplishment with his made-up ones to minimize anything I had ever done to the point I became depressed cause I felt like maybe I hadn’t really accomplished anything in life ugh!!!!!
Omg so glad I found this. It was always “me” according to him. Never once did he admit he hurt me. So sad bc I adapted to this form of abuse for 14 years. He always said I was trying to start an argument again and again. Something was wrong with me but I was just trying to tell him what he did to hurt me and work on it. He didn’t share future plans with me. Totally opposite views. My healing journey is still continuing but I do feel happy again which I never thought would happen. I am also more aware. Plenty of gratitude here ❤️
Exactly Lisa these covert narcissist that we deal with always try too use crazy making on us after we confront them . They also gaslight us constantly this is definitely verbal abuse . Always heard I didn’t do that, you’re just way too sensitive, I don’t know what you’re talking about, I never said that . They never self reflect on anything they try making us look crazy .
Wow, that is my experience to a T, sadly. I am now NC for 6 months. And verbal and mental abuse is exactly why. I realized no matter what I did I was called “crazy” and told anytime I opened my mouth that I was “BS” and “nonsense” or “rambling”. There was also lying and cheating as I caught him on online dating apps. Of course when I confronted him about it he then called me “paranoid” and “delusional” and then became aggressive and violent throwing things at me and then splitting without a word for over a month. I took him back the first time this happened, but fool me once shame on you, but fool me twice and shame on me was my rule so when it happened again, and of course it did, I left him. I accepted no hoovers after that either. I began to see that my POV (point of view) was de-legitimized utterly just because I am female mostly, and sometimes just because I was there. It wasn’t easy but I sold my home after 10 years with him, doing nothing but caring for him, working and caring for our home (I never once even thought about cheating I was so busy taking care of everything lol). Now I am alone and late forties. It’s been really scary and hard and I am at tremendous risk of poverty and uncertain how to survive on one income when I do not have equal pay for equal work and I can barely afford housing now. But I’d rather be alone and facing poverty, than being lied to, cheated on, verbally and mentally assaulted and gas-lighted constantly. Thank you for this. Excellent discussion and clear definitions.
Also yes my partner would hurt my feelings then telling me how to feel or react to it, which is abuse. No one has the right to tell me how I should feel. Not blaming anyone. I’m highlighting the facts. My parents weren’t narcs but they were controlling and didn’t recognize that children have needs. They had an authoritative style of parenting and my father was critical and harsh at times. I have forgiven them years ago by investigating their own upbringing which allowed me to understand them better and therefore helped me heal tremendously! They were raised the same. My grandfather was extremely abusive on my fathers side. My grandfather on my mothers side abandoned her. Till this day she doesn’t call him her father.
I actually came from a very loving family. My parents showed each other a lot of love and respect. So when I married a man who emotionally abused me, I couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening. Obviously I was doing something wrong because otherwise I would be treated better. I used to actually wish he would hit me because then at least there would be physical evidence of the pain. I also read Patricia Evans book and it saved my mental health. Thank you for the article.
Oh yes Lisa you continue to surprise me💕 this is one of the first books I found in the library after my second narc relationship… I had actually gone to the library for a change of atmosphere since it can be very peaceful in the libraryI started walking some of the isles as it was a small branch and on the bottom shelf this book wink at me and as I’ve been down and got closer and got hold of it I was surprised shocked and curious and as I sat there and read I was immediately validated and related to know that I was not crazy it was my first step out of the fog I still have this book I recommended sometimes online for people thank you so much for mentioning it🙌👌💕
The famous line I got,” If you were my man, you would never be treated like you have in the past”, then, at the first sign of a true discussion, exploded into an all out war against me. Yell, cuss, and “you don’t know what your talking about” from her. 2 years of hot and cold, I guess I realized, I’m better then that. Like the song, I’m leaving here a better man. Clint Black.. And so, here I am in the mountains in the Black Hills, SD. Now she ghost me, then says something hurt full, then loving, etc. I’m still a better man. Thank you for your wisdom…
Theres also a lot of gaslighting in verbal abuse. “I never said that” “YOU did xyz”(when you know you didnt), being told you said/did something, went/were somewhere which you know you didnt…thats making someone question their reality. I was flipped out on because he couldnt find a lighter. It was exactly where it shouldve been under a piece of paper but he didnt bother to look. A tablet i dont even know the password for…i allegedly took because he couldnt find it. Again, flipped out on. Called every name in the book. It was where he left it. Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells & consistently shaking because you just dont want to be screamed at is horrible. The thing is that he refuses to even think about his behavior. He portrays a confident good person in public but once in private…..is completely different. Then i realize who his mother is.
Your first few minutes of everything you said is what he says to me – I constantly I am told that I am too emotional, I am mentally ill, ‘I can’t change you – it’s just who you are’, I’m not abusive, you are a liar, I love you even though you’re a pain in the arse’, ‘people constantly tell me how crazy you are’, ‘you are my biggest problem’…..I get this most days from him. Sadly when on display he is lovely and so friendly to others 😪
I’ve only realized in the last several years how much my parents verbally abused me and my younger brother. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”, was a favorite of my mother. “If you don’t like it, then get out”, was another. We heard these things by the time we were 6 years of age. Thank you for validating us and our experience. It has been a long time coming.
I’ve been experiencing verbal abuse all my life. It really messed me up and seeing a psychologist never help. This is why I’ve been in nothing but toxic relationships all of my life. This is why I have very few friends, and it’s why I’ll never date again. This is why I overeat and drink. I avoid my parents as much as I can. But when my parents gets on with their bullshit, I make their life a living hell. I goes to the gym, but I don’t go to lose weight, I do it to hurt myself. Like a said. Psychologists never helped . In fact, they have made me feel worse. The only good thing about all of my abuse is that I’ve learned to just embrace my flaws and just be comfortable with my appearance. And my parents has mistaken that for self-neglect. Lol
I experienced this from my ex husband, worse still I couldn’t escape, there was no money and my family wouldn’t help. It was all my fault. Never ever again. I don’t let anyone into my life other than one of my daughters who is in a desperate situation right now. I was a nice person, not anymore, really couldn’t care less about my family but I play the game, smile when I should, ooh and aah when appropriate. But I can turn round and walk away and not flinch or look back. So sad, when I do want to care, it’s my temperament to care, but I am not valued so I reciprocate same regard. Emotional abuse wrecks lives and counselling does help but when the abuse is non stop the counselling is constantly trashed. Anybody reading this, I wish you well and much happiness, never forget to put a high price on your own value.
I’m reading the book right now. I just realized about 5 days ago that I’m in the clutches of an abuser. Yes childhood PTSD. Now I’ve married a verbally abusive man. I believed him when he’d say “I love you….” I am scheduled to have surgery in exactly one week. I’m thinking I better call it off. I’m afraid I won’t heal correctly due to emotional duress. It’s toxic. I’m don’t feel safe. November 10th I made the decision to leave. But I can’t lift anything.
Thinking about this deeply. I have a younger sister who, when I address how she is not reciprocating in our relationship as a family, she likes to tell me that I’m acting like or sounding like a bxxxh. When I try telling her that it’s things like that, I fell is not a nice thing to say, she laughs it off, says I’m right & will try to do better and tries to change the subject. I’ve watched a few articles dealing with “Codependency” & “Narcissism” of you & a few others have posted & I’m realizing that I’ve been dealing with that type of behavior for almost all of my life. I’m 41 and within the last 5 or 6 years, I’ve been working on building my defenses against those who can be cold hearted. For the longest I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on, but I think this article is the one that I think opened my mind to why I accepted that type of treatment. I only received it from a girlfriend, wife or family. I could stop it from outsiders, but those close to me, gave me the blues. I should I say I allowed them to.
I thought the SAME EXACT thing when I was in it!! I believed if I could figure out the right combination of words to say, that I would actually be able to get through to him. I thought it would all stop “if he could just see!!” It took me a very long time to even consider that he wanted to hurt me, that he was purposefully leaving the house messy and falling through on every appointment and family gathering. I honestly thought that the blatant lies were stupidity for a long time. He denies all of it. In his mind, my feelings weren’t even on the same playing field; human rights (mine, specifically) were an inconvenience that he seemed to consider optional.
Thank you so much for your work. I grew up with a narcissistic Dad that was very dominant and verbally abusive. It’s amazing how it haunts you in relationships. I’ve come along way in keeping clear of toxic people but it still really helps to get validation and clarity from your website. Thanks for being here, you make a huge difference 🦋
I’m 13 and i go through verbal abuse.🥺 it is slowly escalating to physical which I dealt with in a foster home for 2 years at the age of 5-7 where I got stabbed and lived. I feel fortunate that I lived it. But then I got adopted by my aunt and uncle in 2015 which I felt really happy that I was away from the foster home and I thought things were only going to get better but as time went on things slowly got worse and now it’s turning into physical again which I can’t wait to get out of I feel trapped and hopeless that I’m never going to get the love that I need and want from my parents like my sister does my older sister never dealt with this and for me to deal with this as a younger child makes me feel really insecure and makes me feel sad and upset I’ve kind of adapted to it and after hearing this article about the signs I immediately identified it as abuse again. I suffer from mini mental illnesses from this including PTSD and depression because I feel trapped from all the stuff that’s going on in my life. Thank you for helping me identify this horrible experience and I can’t wait to not be trapped anymore
Thank you Lisa. This is putting words on what I have experienced for a long time. What is considered verbal abuse is so difficult to get a grasp on as covert narcissists or borderline personality disordered persons seems to be so extremely skilled at subtly dominate codependent guys (like me). This article in some way does point out “abusive” behaviours that I have seen and wondered if it is me or if it is actually abuse. To the point, I left her in October, but have not yet gone no contact (and I realize that I am still through this a source of narcissistic supply) and I recently spoke to her and even though she does not say directly bad things I still feel like there is an oppressive undertone to everything. It is the possessiveness, control and jealousy (that is covered in ideas that it is “only because she cares so much about me”. But in the list you had in the beginning angry outbursts have been replaced by cool indifference and witty sarcasm in her attempts to get me back into the relationship. Again; thanks, this helps a lot.
My problem is that I have a hard time describing the abuse. Sometimes I wish he’d beat me so I’d have scars to show so the courts would take it seriously. The problem is he’s made me so confused and feel so helpless but after almost two years of therapy I feel like I’m getting strong enough to stand up to him. I just wish the courts took emotional and psychological abuse seriously.
OMG!!! This is SO GOOD! This is PERFECT! It’s SO REAL of what goes on!!! I SHUT DOWN & called the cops! I didn’t have anyone to talk to & communicated that I NEVER wanted to see this person again! They emotionally DRAINED ME!!! I wanted to die with NO confidence! I don’t wanna die ever on my own !!!!!! I get suicidal when I’m around a SUPER NEGATIVE CONDEMNING insulting monster……an abuser An ATTACKING ABUSER!😩😫😓😥😢☹️🙁😞😨😰😕😩😫😓😥😢☹️🙁😨😰😞😕😩😫😓😥😢☹️🙁😰😨😞😕Yeah crazy making…….I NEVER said that! A double whammy!😕😞😨😰🙁☹️😢😥😓😫😩
I knew there was a reason why I recoiled at my ex’s sarcasm. The last time I spoke to him (he cancelled so coldly on me last weekend), instead of apologizing he told me “not to take it personally”. Eff that. I don’t have time for people who can’t bother to offer to reschedule, or say things with even a little bit of sensitivity. My one comfort is I don’t have to deal with him anymore.
That was a eye opener. It’s been your talks that’s made me realise I am able to learn, study for a test that’s so important to me. I do have family who have been whispering she wont pass etc. I wish you could be at my ceremony in PA. I assume it’s happening with in the next 2 months after I sit my test. Ive written a letter to some one how they come across. What’s up? So rude towards me. I pointed out the controlling, copy cat behavour, crazy angry behavour and over all nit picking, acting like I am changeling you etc…. made them aware I have noticed their rude behavior having been told I’m rude and I’m not at all. In the past i would take on board I am this horrible monster etc and now I realise its just a abusive person flapping their gums again🙄. Love ya lisa.
“What’s wrong with you?” was my ex’s way of telling me I was wrong for feeling/thinking/doing/saying something he didn’t like. And what he didn’t like changed based on his unstable moods, so I didn’t know what to expect and what would set him off. He would yell and shout at me when I did or said something ‘wrong.’
I came home yesterday after being out with my friend, she triggered me by what she said,I have had no sleep all night, I’ve been very upset,full of rage,I have been dealing with my childhood trauma, also I am now 7months no contact from a narcissistic relationship . I told my friend I was looking into my trauma from childhood, she said why cant you just forget it all and said my parents weren’t to blame. I’ve been having a real tough time trying to stabilise myself over these last months, one time before when I was feeling down she handed me a clipping from a magazine she had kept for me about a woman who wrote a story about how you should just embrace life, it just seemed like toxic positivity to me, I want nothing more to do with her, shes triggering me big time.
Great article. I don’t know what to say, but this has been my norm for 20 years. I said something below the belt yesterday, and they won’t talk to me. I think I got the courage to finally stand up in the way they do, but for them, it was a game changer. I’m scared they pushed me to become this other angry person.
I have raised concerns about being criticized, shamed, punished, manipulated, and she told me, “no, I don’t manipulate or guilt you, only your mother does that, and you are blaming me for your anger at her…” But I have watched her cut down her own mom a few times with her words, and it made me feel sick to see her mom just shrink down in shame. But this side is hidden in public life,
Thank you, really, I kind of figured that my mother was verbally abusing me, but I just wasn’t sure, you helped me see it and now I think I will tell her somehow someway that I don’t like how she is speaking to me. Thank you so much, I think you just saved me from a verbally abusive mother daughter relationship.
Angry outbursts. ALL the TIME ! Cool indifference! Ignoring ! “you’re disgusting!” “Don’t tell me that!” During a moment of my contentment, the narc attacks with, “you really think you’re something don’t you?” And the list goes on & on & on, my hair, my clothes, my religion, my food, my body…nothing is off limits & they are NOT shy about giving every type of personal attack imaginable. Thank you Lisa for helping me open my eyes & to call it what it is. Lots of abuse.
I got that phrase from my mom “you’re the wrong one, you messed it up” in my entire life. So I got used to it. I used to try to do the best as I could, but “so unbelievable” it never changed. Now I don’t care, what others want me to do. Like if you think, that I’m the wrong one, then I will ACTUALLY BE the wrong/bad guy.
I heard my ex do this before we met to her kids over the phone and wrote it off as ” none of my business” A month after we met, she called me a liar over the phone for a civil matter she didn’t know anything about. I called her on it and she went off. I took a break from her for a few days. She showed up unannounced one night and refused to talk about it. I made a big mistake and let it go. From that day, name calling was common place in almost all of her texts and phone calls. That along with the breadcrumbing and silent treatment I got for defending myself was one of the main reasons why I broke up with her. When I reminded her of how abusive she was verbally she dismissed it as me not wanting to face the truth. The silent treatment she justified as her way of making me think. The breadcrumbing she blew off as being too busy to drop her life for “nothing”
Your articles are so validating! It’s insane how much I think I’ve healed, and then I come and listen to you talk about EVERY LITTLE THING, that I didn’t even realize was happening. It just makes me wanna burst. LISA UNDERSTANDS!!! I have been told by so many people that I am too sensitive, that I can’t take a joke, that I now can’t stand sarcasm. And when so many different people tell you that, you start to believe it. Little did I know that actually isn’t even normal. I just lacked the knowledge of boundaries.
Your articles are absolutely life-changing. I am so sorry from the bottom of my heart that you lived some horrible experiences and thank you for taking those experiences to turn your own life around, gain perspective and help others. The abuse you lived through was horrible and you came out on top creating a powerful momentum to help change other people’s lives and feel heard. Thank you so much. I’m glad you are here on YouTube for those of us who have to find articles on this sad subject. You are a breath of fresh air and I am sure if you looked back and went back in the time when you were going through this, would you have believed that you would one day have a YouTube website with so much wisdom to help others? 😊 by the way, I love love love love love your hair color and haircut in this article. I’m going to get mine cut like yours 😊 it’ll help me feel good!!!
I am in the middle of one right now!!! How do i get out of it. My wife always gaslight me, verbally abusive (and texting abusive messages) towards me if I don’t do things she wanted me doing. As far as she is concerns I should always do what she tells me to do because all good men does what his wife tells him to do for the goodness of the family?! I left my house because of this constant valley of abusive from my wife. But I just don’t have the courage to pull the trigger and start the divorce process because of self-doubts and shame. My daughter told me on many occasions to go for a divorce years and remind me each time when I complain about what her mum has done to me. Where can I find the strength the break from this cycle of abusive?! Somehow my wife verbal abusive follows the moon cycles and her abusive behavior gets worst during full moon and then reduces when the moon goes through its cycle, sometime I think she has some werewolf blood in her!
Nice meeting you. You are bringing this subject right down front, where it should be. What is happening is so hurtful and degrading. This was my first narc and I consider myself lucky now that I am seeing so msny people hurting. I thank God for you and all of the others on you tube that are openingup our eyes. Hugs
Great article Lisa!!!!! You speak the truth!!!! Yes, that is what I encountered during my six-year marriage. It started off as verbal abuse and escalated. At that moment I took back my life and moved to San Diego to start over. Meanwhile, during our therapy sessions, I was to blame for everything wrong in our marriage. So I made the changes necessary for my inner peace. And she did not change. Thus I never returned and she filed for our divorce.
Your words are absolutely amazing and correct. 25 yrs. Of everything you mentioned and I mean everything. I really am truly happy you put this information out there. Thought it was just me and my depression was causing my low esteem along with being told I’m acting bipolar You are spot on with everything you talked about for me. Thank you so much. 💞💕
Lisa, You are single handedly, spreading immeasurable amounts of hope, acceptance, strength and love in this world. Thank you for all of your hard work and dedication to helping others out here. I fell for every manipulation. I forgave, I supported, I sacrificed everything. I thought I could love him through the difficulties and that somehow all of the abuse I was enduring, absorbing and accepting – would eventually convert into loyalty and love as he understood it. It took almost 12 months to ascend from the fog I existed in – I had mastered autopilot and all of my emotions were just default programming. I was completely numb, paralyzed, apathetic and vacant. It was the only way I could cope, and he weaponized it at every opportunity. Waking up in an abusive relationship is like assembling a puzzle in dark room – there’s lots of pieces, you can’t see the difference between any of them, you’re blindly feeling your way along and celebrating every insignificant victory. Never give up and keep at it – as you assemble the massive puzzle, the lights slowly brightens and eventually you’ll be able to see the ENTIRE picture, the whole puzzle with amazing clarity in a well lit space. You’ll discover parts of the puzzle you didn’t know existed, you’ll see parts of yourself in it and you’ll see parts of your parents. It’s astonishing how perfectly the pieces all fit together, and the finished picture is what empowers you to feel accomplished and ready to move forward. Wishing everyone light and love, Namasté ✨
Thank you. That was very clear, focused, motivational, informative and energising to hear and also comforting and empathic along with a strong and powerful message. Thanks again! I, for one, needed to hear it as do many others who are in a toxic or verbally abusive relationship. Found particularly helpful the realisation that he doesn’t need to agree that his behaviour is abusive for it to be, in reality, abusive and for my feelings of being abused to be valid or validated. I feel like when he suddenly yells and has a big angry outburst at me over virtually nothing including his behaviour after the outbursts which abusive as well that he is like a completely different person. It’s like someone ripped the mat from under my feet. Makes me think I’m don’t know him and trust is out the window. It’s heartbreaking as I have to now end it with him and I did/do love him but I can’t tolerate yet another outburst and the immediate aftermath, and also the reconciliation process. I know that I don’t deserve that treatment at all and that it’s his issue, not mine. I know what I see and I trust my view and feelings entirely. Still feel heartbroken though as someone you love and who is supposed to love you goes from being this calm and loving and funny and caring and intelligent person for so long it seems (at the start of relationship) before they blow up at you over virtually nothing. All the work and investment into the relationship and then he does it for the first time: completely unexpected and it’s like you’re in a movie at the time it’s so unreal.
The gaslighting and name calling was horrible. He made me question my sanity and my own thoughts. Nothing I ever did was good enough he always found a way to critique me in a condescending way and then say “I’m just trying to help you but you take it the wrong way” I feel free now that I’m away from him.
Omg ‘what you are thinking or feeling is stupid or irrelvant’ is defo something in my everyday life. Sick of being told that my emotions are stupid. I constantly am saying “okay maybe you don’t understand and maybe this isn’t important to you and that’s fine, but it’s important to me and it’s my emotions so it’s not stupid.”
I don’t know if you look at comments after a year, but I experienced a lot of verbal abuse for the last 9 years of my marriage, or gaslighting, or being ignored to the point that I would look in the mirror and wonder if Im invisible. So that’s the past and I was able to get over it for the most part. But I moved in with my son a few years ago. I had some trouble handling all the bills myself. I help out with the finances, cook, and clean, but I am experiencing some of the same abuse here. I tried working my old job to save and get out of here, but my son would slam doors at night, walking back and fourth and keep me up so I couldn’t sleep. If I complained, he would yell at me and start an argument. He was also verbally abused by his dad.
I left a man who abused me, my family, and my church verbally when he was mad. He also threatened me a lot. I don’t need that kind of person in my life. I just let him verbally abuse me 3x then I left. Just leave. You deserve someone better. Pray and ask God to give you the right man for you. Don’t settle for less.
What I’m about to post has nothing to do with a romantic relationship. But, as we all know, verbal abuse takes place in any relationship: romantic; sexual; friendship; work-related; etc. In my life, the verbally abusive person I know subjected me to angry outbursts, manipulation and cool indifference. She was so surprised when I was upset and stressed out, and she treated me as though I was supposed to be an emotionless robot. She also misrepresented me to people she talked to, to the point where they now believe that there is something wrong with me. She actually had the gall to claim that it was my fault that she felt stressed out – over the situations she instigated. She suggested that I was just too sensitive, and she outright called me a “big baby.” There was one moment when I’m pretty sure she called me a b**ch. When I confronted her about it, she denied it. If I didn’t drop my plans to cater to her demands, she threw a fit. She is also guilty of subjecting me to multiple false accusations. I acknowledge, right here in the open, that I was verbally abused. I also acknowledge that what I went through was not okay. I don’t know what the root cause of the verbal abuse is, but there is no valid excuse for this behavior. Thankfully, I am no longer in contact with this person. I’ve reached the point where I want nothing to do with her. Not out of hatred or malice, but out of self-preservation. I simply can’t take another moment of this treatment. I don’t know why she chose to do this to me, but I am so relieved that I will never have to be around her again.
i had a friend who was a girl. she did this to me, i thought we were close but the closer we got the more depressed and crazy i got. i started questioning everything i ddid because she made me feel like an alien, especially when we were around others. i told her some of the deepest things… and she went behind my back and told all my friends. i didnt find out til months later, and when i confronted her she made it seem so small.
I remember one of the last things I said to him, asked him actually, knowing he’d keep up The (3 month) Silent Treatment in reply, “Will you Ever give me a compliment without following it up with a verbal slap right behind?” He actually shook his head with a tinge of that narc smirk. He couldn’t resist replying to that one! He Had to let me know I needed to keep trying harder and he was pretty sure I’d take the bait and scrambble after that pat one more time. For once, he was wrong. Thank you, Lisa!!
This is a sad truth for me, I was emotionally abused for so long that as a defense I started lashing out at people, almost like I became the abuser at times when I was triggered… then I would feel guilty and break down. Is this a normal thing. I am healing and fixing this now because I DO NOT want to be like that.
yes, I’ve been verbally emotionally abused for years, I never felt bad about myself as I knew what these 5 people were doing. so I have emotionally detached from them. I was deeply hurt that no matter how I showed real friendship they still treated me badly..took me a very long time to recover from the hurt. I am a very good person, & of course they deny the abuse.
My (now ex) GF just spent the last 24 hours screaming at me about something I did before we were together. She never listened to anything I said about what I did when I did it and why. She would go on these vicious loops on trying to make me feel like what I did BEFORE we were together was wrong and that her hurt feelings about my past now somehow should effect my feelings on how I felt about her. Told her EVERY single day, thru the day that she was the most beautiful person in the world. I never want my partner to never feel ugly or undesirable. I tried everything to ease her feelings about that but i realized that this being the 4th time shes had a random blow out about MY past before we were together tells me she doesn’t listen to what I say. She shame spiraled ALL DAY yesterday. Thats why I had to remove her from my life. Im sad about it but it’s just another life lesson learned.
I am being verbally abused by my father. I’m 14 and he abuses me in public with no shame and it’s so embarrassing. He will do it in front of friends and family and no one says anything about it. I have 3 younger siblings. I got into a massive abusive relationship with a man who was 16 and he verbally abused me all the time. I had so many people in my life saying things like that to me that I just became numb to it. I almost can’t tell the difference between normal conversation and abuse at this point and I’m only 14. It’s always “your too sensitive” “learn to take a joke” “I was just kidding” “stop trying” “your just stupid”. I don’t know how to reply to these things so I just stay silent and take it.
I’ve been in a lot of relationships that didn’t work for various reasons, but most ended as friends still, which I’m happy about. I have been in some really toxic ones though. The worst one was my ex wife. I pretty much hate her now. She is a very bossy person. Even her sister asked me how can I stand her. I tried to be patient & reasonable but if she did not get her way, I would not hear the end of it for weeks literally. In the end she would scream at me. Usually about not spending time with her. Bit hard when I worked 6 days a week sometimes 7 double shifts to buy her a house. I admit I finally lost it with her & I was very nasty verbally in return. I eventually left her & I’m very happily divorsed now. I have a new lady in my life & we have our differences at times but we talk it out without being nasty to each other. I don’t know why it had to be so hard to get on.
I experienced all this for years – he always justified his behaviour that I deserved it because I wasn’t thinking or I made stupid decisions or didn’t try hard enough or work hard enough. I’ve never been more loyal, obedient and hard working – I might as well have watched the Bachelorette and sat on the couch all day.
My abusive (family member) physically took the GoPro (tiny action camera) I had set on the kitchen table (as I no longer felt safe) and said “this is a WEAPON!” I obviously didn’t get physical by trying to take it back, but turned on article recording on my phone and conspicuously placed it on top of the refrigerator saying, “I do not have to be alone in this.” Apparently that’s not something even remotely acceptable, and the verbal abuse proceeded to escalate into a situation where I decided to go into the office at night, as a safe place, to regain my center & peace, before I’d be able to decide if calling the sheriff (which seemed necessary) could have a positive outcome. If someone considers a (fully-disclosed & completely-obvious) audio or article recording of yourself “a weapon” and takes the device, this is, regardless of how close they are to you, a person actively harming you who depends on no objective witnessing (impartial, accurate & enduring evidence) in order to “get away with it.”
When I see you’ve uploaded a new article, I watch it even though I’ve been researching the topics for years & years. Nobody helps like you do. But I still can’t afford any of your breakthrough programs – do you ever have half price sales or discounts? I know they aren’t always open for enrolment but my only chance would be during some sort of sale. Please let me know – thank you!
This is 100% on point. I’ve been dealing with this for far too long now and I’m just realizing this is what he’s been doing for so long to me the random outbursts the I’m too sensitive always blaming me for everything under the sun constantly calls me an idiot and even has said there’s something wrong with my brain lol. He’s sick. Verbal and mental abuse can totally affect your physical being as well. My anxiety levels are through the roof…
My narc mother used to call me over sensitive and she would mock me to the rest of the family by calling me ‘the princess and the pea’. Meanwhile my father would fly into a rages and scream ‘you don’t have the brains you were born with’. Neither one of those things was technically name calling. But as I type this I have a strong sense that it wasn’t in anyway deserved either. For instance my father’s rage came out of impatience, not usually because of technical mistakes on the part of myself or my sisters. Like if you were helping him and he asked to you to hand him a screw driver and you handed him a philips head instead of a flat head, or you simply asked which one he wanted, he would fly into a rage and scream at you. So the next time you helped him you are now fearful of getting screamed at and somewhat impulsive for fear of not being quick enough. I remember once doing a software tutorial while he stood behind me. First he yelled at me for not moving through the screens fast enough and then he yelled at me for not reading the text on the screen because I went too fast. And it wasn’t just loud criticism, it was genuine rage which was so horrifying to be on the receiving end of, especially when it came out of nowhere. So now as an adult I hate working in environments with even slightly demanding people. My father was an engineer, so I grew up with a massive math anxiety. Actually I was crippled with anxiety all through school. I was so fearful of doing something wrong half the time I didn’t do my assignments at all.
Well, I was just called “lazy” for the second time in a month. Yesterday, it was his response to why I did not turn on the air condition to the house. I couldn’t believe my ears. I asked him, “so I wanted to be hot, sweaty, miserable, and get headaches because I’m ‘lazy’? I especially liked the added effect of the pointing to his head and talking about “abilities.” The thermostat that he put a lockbox on. However, he told me he unlocked it sometime after he did it. Let’s not forget on how he is the one suffering from having a work truck that doesn’t have air condition. so instead of coming home and saying today was incredibly hot I don’t feel well can you make sure their condition is on, or a simple go ahead and turn on the air condition when it is too uncomfortable, he chooses to play these manipulative that are actually quite childish. When I told him that this was gaslighting (something that I normally don’t have the courage to do) he laughed it off like I was stupid. All this because I found a way take back my personal power about a few other things around the house that he has been harassing/gaslighting me about. I knew from experience that something was going to take its place. But you never really know what it is sometimes until it happens. Now I’m in the stage of his inner workings about how and why I’m lazy. Lazy, fat, stupid as direct insults were his desire to verbally abuse me. Using the thermostat, and now light bulbs with the pointing to the head is the gaslighting effect that expands on his.
Thank you for your message. How do you reply to spiritual people who say by law of attraction I attracted narcissists in my life because I have an inner narcissist? They use law of attraction, like attracting like to say that. I have also heard the snub about being a victim of it and victim mentality. I agree I have to take my power back and get out of it, heal it. I 5think that I have become a victim because of a belief that if I just say it the right way, maybe they will hear me and change. It has also kept me in 5here longer.
This sounds so familiar in regards the crazy making and when I finally stood up and told him to leave, he tried to kill me. Now looking back i think is horrible and wonder how could I do that to myself, and yes wonder why? Also why do I feel like relapsing and look at him wishing he was back in my life ? Both scenarios are so embarrassing, as I have always thought of myself as a strong person, and most people view me that way. Am coming to terms am not as strong as I think I am, but what I ever strength I have I’ll use to recover and excel in life again.
My narc has so ‘messed with my head’ that discussing anything with anyone is still difficult to keep my cool and stay calm. I feel the need to speak quickly so they won’t butt in and stop me, my voice rises and I get defensive, even with people who are NOT narcs. He has told me many, many times that I am crazy, that it ‘must be ‘that’ time of the month’ or it’s menopause or I’m tired or I’m just having a bad day. ANYTHING but that he is the ‘crazy-making’ person in my life. OHH, that I had known all this years ago!! I thank you for your very, very helpful articles.
Dear Lisa, I love all of your articles as they help me so much. But, this article on Verbal Abuse is by far THE best ever. The huge amount of information you have so beautifully spoken here has just brought me to tears. Oh what I can do with this awareness. You have given me permission to grieve my pain from withstanding a lifetime of verbal hammering …as if I ever needed it from anyone other than God himself. Thank you from the bottom off my heart.
I’m so glad you mentioned that book, it truly saved my life when I finally stood up to my narcissistic, verbally and physically abusive, emotionally abusive, sexually abusive, and financially abusive husband of 3 years. It took me months of reading the book, I highlighted so many passages, especially towards the end of the book- I had yellow and red highlights, notes in the margins- before I stood up and said I’m leaving, I already had my “hidden apartment”, had moved all my important items and put my valuables in storage, so when I gave him this information that I hit from this book- he was ready to strike- but I was ready with my purse to walk out. I was scared, but thankfully I got out! Please read this book if you are needing to escape this type of person- it’s been over 12 years since my divorce from him was final- and I’m blessed everyday to not have this horrible type of person in my life!