In a narcissistic marriage, it is crucial to seek professional help, establish boundaries, develop a strong support network, focus on self-care, and educate yourself about narcissism. To handle a narcissistic spouse, keep yourself safe, listen carefully to yourself, and nurture your self-esteem. Narcissists prioritize their own needs, desires, and accomplishments over those of their spouse, leading to a lack of empathy and emotional disconnectedness.
Monitor and nurture your self-esteem, as individuals with NPD may find it difficult to be empathetic and exhibit narcissistic behaviors. Communicate calmly, as a narcissistic spouse may not be able to identify your true feelings. Educate yourself on narcissistic personality disorder and stay calm when speaking up.
Narcissistic relationships often have issues such as a need for complete control, ignoring insults, and asking questions about the reasons you chose or were drawn to a narcissist. Force your partner to put themselves in your shoes, make sure your boundaries are clear, and focus on self-compassion.
Narcissists often work to belittle their partners to feel better about themselves, which is a form of narcissistic abuse. To save your marriage to a narcissist, force your partner to put himself in your shoes, ensure your boundaries are clear, and focus on self-care. As the spouse of a narcissist, it is essential to educate others about narcissistic emotional abuse so they may never fall prey or feel their pain.
📹 What if you’re MARRIED TO A Narcissist?
I got this question about trying to change or fix or help a narcissist spouse, and I wanted to answer it because I think it applies to …
Can true love heal a narcissist?
People think they can cure narcissists with love, acceptance, compassion, and empathy. This is not true. A narcissist can only change when they are hurt or in a crisis. The narcissist is vulnerable when he is forced to let down his defences. This is when he can be helped. The narcissist is only open to treatment when his defenses are down because he’s lost his supply of narcissistic fuel. The narcissist’s therapy aims to stop him getting Narcissistic Supply.
Do narcissists ever have happy marriages?
Can a narcissist have a happy marriage? The answer is usually no. The photos and their public behavior show one thing, while something less appealing is going on behind the scenes. Some people with narcissistic personality disorder seem to be happy in their marriages. They post pictures of them laughing, walking, and renewing their vows. Should we believe the pictures? Can a narcissist have a happy marriage? The answer is almost always no. The photos and the couple’s public behavior show one thing, while something less appealing is going on behind the scenes. Once the courtship is over, all the relationships where one person has a narcissistic personality disorder include abuse and tension. Not all people with narcissistic personality disorder are alike. Each couple will have their own form of misery. However, this misery follows a pattern. Narcissistic partners fight over small things, insult their spouses, and are controlling. They say and do hurtful things. Some happy couples have a narcissist spouse who is physically abusing them and covering the bruises with makeup. Even if nothing bad is going on, most narcissists ignore their spouse’s requests and forget promises they made that are no longer convenient.
When should you end a marriage with a narcissist?
This can cause partners to become narcissistic. Don’t tolerate emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. It’s grounds for leaving a relationship. How Narcissists Act in Relationships When to Leave a Narcissist Tips for Breaking Up What Happens After a Breakup Conclusion Additional Resources Infographics Dr. Jordan specializes in attachment-based therapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy, and interpersonal neurobiology. She’s an educator and consultant. Kristen Fuller, MD, is a doctor with experience in adult, adolescent, and OB/GYN medicine. She focuses on mood disorders, eating disorders, substance use disorders, and reducing the stigma of mental health.
Can a marriage survive narcissism?
If your narcissistic spouse is willing to seek help, you can navigate your marriage successfully. If they won’t get help, you can leave the marriage to find peace and heal.
Can a marriage to a narcissist be saved?
A marriage to a narcissist can work, according to BetterHelp. But it won’t be easy. Here are three ways to save your marriage to a narcissist. 1. Make your partner see things your way. When he makes a condescending statement, repeat it back to him. If he says, “Why can’t you be more like _____?” She cooks well for her husband. Ask your husband, “What if I said to you, ‘Why can’t you be more like…?'” He provides better for his wife. Your partner might realize how much those words hurt. We often say things without thinking about how they affect others.
What to do if you are married to a narcissist?
8 ways to deal with narcissistic behavior in your relationship. Learn about narcissistic personality disorder. … Don’t idealize your partner. … Tell them how their actions affect you. … Set boundaries. … Don’t take hurtful comments personally. … Get support. … Get a therapist. NPD is one of 10 personality disorders. People with NPD have low self-esteem, need admiration, low empathy, and are self-centered.
Up to 5% of Americans may have this mental health condition. It’s more common in men. “Narcissism is a disorder that makes it hard for people to have realistic and stable self-esteem,” says Mark Ettensohn, PsyD, a psychotherapist in New York and California.
Is it healthy to stay married to a narcissist?
Not being able to talk to your spouse about things and be honest about your feelings can hurt your mental health. People in narcissistic relationships are more likely to develop depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
Manipulative behavior. Narcissists often use abusive and manipulative behavior to control their partners. This could include lying to you, making you feel bad, not listening to you, making up stories, and making you feel bad about yourself. If you are constantly being made to feel wrong, it can affect your mental well-being and self-esteem.
How long can a narcissist stay married?
A narcissistic relationship can last as long as you want. Some people stay in these relationships for years, while others leave more quickly. What does a narcissist do at the end of a relationship? A narcissist’s behavior at the end of a relationship can be complex and depends on their personality, circumstances, and goals. At the end of a relationship, narcissists tend to react with anger or try to get their ex back.
Can a narcissist love his wife?
Narcissists can love, but their love is shallow. They can love deeply but not empathize. Their relationships are often dramatic. Their love feels superficial and inauthentic because it lacks meaning. How to Tell if a Narcissist Loves You. A narcissist may love you at first, but this is often short-lived.
📹 How to help a narcissist fix their personality
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE …
It’s important to note that narcissists do not take kindly to being abandoned, so if this commenter decides to leave she should set up her plans quietly in advance. The break-up typically isn’t pleasant and easy with a narcissist. They like to be as mean and difficult as possible and try to make you the bad guy. Don’t let their tactics get to you. Please have a plan and stay safe
I left my 13 year marriage 4 years ago. My kids are still recovering and healing and so am I. He has not changed one iota, which is to be expected from a narcissist. I have little to no contact with him and the peace it has brought is worth everything. It was hard to step over that threshold of separation as a Christian believing I should stay married, but I changed my view on that. Any toxic marriage, any abuse towards my kids and myself is enough biblical ground to justify leaving.
I have been married 30 years. This is what I know, maybe I can save someone a few decades. Just take any question you have and repeat after me. “He knows. He just doesn’t care” That’s it. That’s all there is to it. He understands very well how you feel, he knows the changes you would like him to make, he is aware of who he is and what he is doing and the consequences. He knows what is expected of him as a husband, father and as a man. He is the only one really that truly knows the reality of your relationship. He doesn’t care. And he won’t change because it doesn’t benefit him to change.
What if you are married to a narcissist? In my humble opinion, you will always experience troubled waters because Narcissists are selfish, arrogant, prideful and entitled. A successful marriage is all about give and take. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It’s a union, the two should become one. But if you constantly keep taking, and taking and taking and taking and taking and give very little back (bread crumbing) this is a recipe for disaster. We often receive the greatest happiness in our lives when we give unconditional to others and narcissists can’t do that. Their has to be some type of motive behind them giving. It will always be a challenge to live with a narcissist. They is no quick fix here. Nice article, Kati.
I massively overstayed my welcome in both a high demand religion I was born into, as well as a career that was awful for my mental health. Now, I feel that accepting change and knowing when to give up on something or someone is one of the most important skills you can develop as a human being. It took me a long time to realize that stubbornness isn’t inherently a virtue, even if it can help you in certain situations.
I feel for the children of these parents; most people spend more time trying to decide which pizza toppings to get than to deciding to have put a new life into existence. In the end the children of such parents will end up traumatised and in therapy for life. Obviously, there are exceptions, but exceptions are rare. If you are not happy, how can you expect your kids to be.
It took me years to understand what was happening to me in my relationship with my wife. The contolling, her saying to me I love you you are the best, only to immediately put me down…talk about confusing, me confronting her about her attitude about me only for her to say you deserve better..Ill do better and her to do so for about a week but then return to nasty. My wife would contantly ask me to do for her but when i asked for the smallest thing in return she wouldnt do it. If i denied her request she’d make me feel bad. I used to say to her…”Its your world i just live in it”…and she’d lose her mind. I always knew it wasnt right. Id feel alone and ashamed that i did so much for a person that one day would praise me but for two weeks after treat me like crap. She’d threaten divorce, take the kids and child support as a means if control. It would keep me in constant fear and I’d do more for her to get her to stop with the nonsense. However something happened. Our kids are now adults. She no longer has that power. Therefore, when she asks for the outrageous i tell her no. When she demeans me, i push back. When she threatens divorce, I tell her to go do it..see if i care. If she gives me the cold shoulder i make sure Im always up in her face. I think on some level i understood that she was playing games, but i knew i had to play the long game with her. Was it healthy? No..not at all. However, I simply was not going to give up on my kids. My parents divorced. Being a kid from that divorce, I was not going to have my kids not have their dad in their life.
This article is like it was made for me! And your advice about getting divorced FOR the kids is exactly what my therapist explained to me, which helped me finally get up the courage to file for divorce from my narc. Both of us came from married parents so I tried everything to “fix” the problems. But he never even tried the one homework assignment from when he went for a few sessions to couples therapy 2 years before I filed. His homework was to write down 3 things he liked about me. He never wrote down one. I’m still in the middle of it with him, because it hurt his ego that I actually filed, but I’m in a separate house and I’m already feeling so much more at peace. Plus, he proved to me that I made the right decision with how he’s acted over the last year. I can parent our 2 kids so much better now that I’m not walking on eggshells around him!
My whole life I had been dealing with narcissists and I wish they rename, this twisted emotions condition, as it deserves better and more descriptive name. Narcissism is actually not about people who are in love with themselves, but a total opposite. They are patologicaly sensitive, deeply wounded people, emotionaly or the other way rejected people by the primarily care givers. They are broken, unnoticed people who hasn’t received love and haven’t been nurtured as a kids. They don’t know how real love and care feels, hence they have nothing to give as they have been starved of love, attention, gentle touch as a little kids. It is also a family curse. It is difficult to snap out of that pattern and to make sense of their disturbed, interupted upbringing. It took almost lifetime therapy to understand and make sense why I have had every mental illness under the sun and why I merry a Narciso. Because I could only relate to that type of man as I understood only their “language” and their behavior. I also have noticed something about narcissist. I am of impression that all Narcisos are on the autistic spectrum. Having said so I don’t believe that all autistic people are narcks. I’d love to live and see if reserch is going to be done on it. Anyhow, I feel now, that my mother and her mother and my ex, who are no more, what is frankly speaking so reliving ( I feel guilt and shame to say so), they were just the victims of their ancestral victims. There is my sister who is still alive to remind me what Narcissism feels like.
My sister was 11 when i was born, our parents finally divorced when i was 3. I never wished to be born, living was HELL because my mom was a horrible mom and my dad was a horrible dad. I grew up with divorced parents and i didn’t know what actually happened, and i was only told recently (im 27). My big sister have NO memories from childhood at all, her best friend who lived with us, often recall memories and ask my sister “oh do you remember that time when this happened” and my sister can only remember people or places but she have no memories of school, birthdays, free time activities, nothing. I don’t know the specifics but i know both my parents have admitted that they fought and yelled a lot and my mom threw half the kitchen on the floor once (prob when they decided to divorce), our home was not safe at all for anyone really. My dad tried to go from my mom more then once but she held it together, she did EVERYTHING she could to HOLD the family together, until my dad told her that he had another girlfriend and he wanted to marry her and divorce my mom….. I don’t know this lady it didn’t hold for long, i don’t really care. I am glad i did not grow up like my sister did, i might be broken, but i am aware of how toxic relationships look like and i have luckily not fallen into any long lasting relationships that are toxic like my sister did, and i am so sorry for her not really understanding not really knowing because she only started healing recently, after divorcing her alcoholic husband, failing every job or education she tried, and broke down to an unhealthy place with two kids being her only light, until she met her new boyfriend – she is getting help finally and I’m so proud of her she is doing way better <3 My mom and dad, should never have been parents.
My parents divorced when I was 17 and it was a shocking event, since I’d never even seen them fight or have a major disagreement. I was really crushed at the time (but also undiagnosed with clinical depression). However, I’m an adult now and I wish they had split up much sooner. Things were endured that shouldn’t have been, and I feel really bad that they were staying in this completely unfulfilling relationship for my brother’s and my sake. I know they were doing their best and probably thought this was the healthiest way to handle it, but it ended up teaching me to put up with abusive behavior in my relationship. It’s a thousand times better for you to go through a divorce, even though that’s extremely difficult (I also got married very young and that ended in divorce, so I’m looking at this from both sides) than accidentally teaching your children that it’s ok to put up with narcissistic behavior. I feel for the person who wrote this comment, I really do, but I also really hope they get out. ❤
There are few things that can bring as much happiness as marriage, and one of them is divorce. Specifically divorce from a narcissist. Seeing my mother embrace the peace and quiet and freedom after staying in a marriage for us kids (till we grew up and left home) has been the most beautiful thing, for the 30 years afterwards she would mention how she enjoys the quiet freedom every single day if someone would bring it up. As someone who’s parents stayed together for us, don’t bother, it’s better for your kids to see you happy as individuals than to see you together.
Child of a parent who didn’t want to get divorced because of the kids here (and 2 narcissistic parents) 🖐🏻 I can confirm that my mom sticking around for our sake only made me and my siblings grow up around a toxic environment which fed a lot into my GAD and general unhealthy way of looking at life that’s made it’s way into my adulthood and I’m working on now in therapy. Divorces are hard, but if my mom had stayed with my father longer, life would have been harder and things would have been worse.
As a child of divorced parents, I can see an argument for both staying and leaving. My parents didn’t divorce until my younger brother was out of high school (I was 20), and it wasn’t a shock to me at all. I knew something was off; they didn’t seem very close with each other, or “in love”, as I saw with my mom and her new partner. They did a good job of keeping their issues and most arguments away from us kids though, but I always wonder what it would be like if they had separated when we were little. Perhaps I would have seen a better example of a relationship and/or how to handle dating.
This was a great article! Full of lots of great advice and not just about narcissism. So many nuggets of wisdom that I wish people would hear! I do have kids and completely agree with your stance. Healthy relationships is far better than a toxic family environment! The problem of course is that the toxic parent will reek havoc on the healthy parent trying to do things in a healthy way. Not being together at least can keep those fights and disagreements to text or phone calls so the kids don’t hear and witness it as much. I’ve been through it all and life is wayyyyyyyy better on the other side. Good luck to anyone considering splitting from the unhealthy relationship and forging your own path! ❤
I used to know a couple and the husband was in therapy for cptsd. He was an insidious emotionally abusive narcissist. He devalued and discarded me along with several others. He would take what he learned in therapy and use it against his wife and friends like me who had no clue about boundaries or narcissism. Turned it all around on everyone else. God forbid he ever take any responsibility for his words and actions. I have no clue if he’s different but I remember what my therapist said, “people like that don’t ever change much.” She’s probably right!
This is wonderful Katie! I think a good aside for dealing with addict behavior is to know the difference between someone who is dry and someone who is sober. It sounds like this spouse, like my former spouse, is dry. He was incredibly abusive. My younger brother is sober. I’m proud of him. He’s so healthy and we’re closer than ever!
Yeah, went through this in a short “situation-ship”. After about two months when the person that she was and the one that she pretended to be were so different, it was hard for me to understand. I suggested we go to therapy, mentioned not as a couple, since we were just starting off but her behaviour was killing me internally and I thought it might be helpful for both, but she kept mentioning that she doesn’t need it because she’s not “crazy”. Even though the whole thing ended in about 3 months, it left me feeling like crap for a while. In hindsight, it opened up my eyes about these kind of people and why I was “attracting” them. So I got something out of the mess.
I swear. I am so thankful for you therapists and also you therapists on youtube. My in person therapy is awesome but sometimes it is so cool to kinda hear the theory behind some of the advices or so u get… And i have been now 6 years in therapy. And finally reached a point where i really feel i know how to at least indirectly control my negative emotions. What parts play a role in the way how i feel. And that really seems like a superpower now… In some weird sense that even makes me feel ok about the 6 educations i had to quit and the years of struggle. Bc otherwise i might have never worked on these things… Idk… It’s cool in a way 🙂
Great article Kati! I agree that it’s in the best interest for the children to divorce, for all the reasons you shared. It’s a very personal decision and has so much potential to cause feelings of guilt, doubt, and fear, despite having tried everything to have a healthy relationship. I was told I was a quitter at that time in my life, and I now can see how that stuck with me over the years. It actually contributed to my staying stuck with a narcissist much longer than I should have.
Kati you are so sweet and kind cause I was so mad at the commenter! 😂 I think what irked me was this air of moral superiority and in some ways co dependant, people pleasers can sometimes have narcissistic traits themselves. Your advice was so spot on and delivered with so much care and love! Also thank you for being such an amazing representation for people without children, because too many people with children have such fragile egos and don’t want to hear how they are harming their children!
When you have to tell yourself that you’re staying in it for the kids, ask yourself that again and really evaluate. I completely agree with what you’ve said in the article, Kati. I grew up with a narcissistic dad. I grew up believing that his behaviour was normal and what I should look for in a future partner. I grew up learning from the relationship he had with my mum… which of course bleeds into the family structure… poisoning each and every one of us. My first relationship was with a narcissist, believing that it was the only way to be loved. Kids watch and they learn. For me, it took years and years of recovering and unlearning.
As much as I see the recognize the concept of divorcing for the sake of the kids, I also think it is very important to educate the children somehow on the concept of divorce and/or separation. Imagine one day remembering sitting on your father’s lap or spending time with him, and next thing you know, you’re consistently asking your mother or parent when you’re going to see your father/other parent again. That gap in communication and apprehensive approach can affect the child(ren) adversely too, like how staying together in a toxic relationship for the children would affect them all adversely as well, especially attachment styles and how they view interpersonal relationships to certain extents. I love your articles and am so inspired by you to this day as I am in my second year of my program as well! P.S. I saw that consent dance short on Caleb’s page, and I totally vibed with how you move and dance 😝✨ much love! 🫶
You CAN go to therapy – with someone else. I took a parent but didn’t realise she tried to set it up in advance…(they knew the therapist beforehand but didn’t tell me!) Luckily she was not successful as the therapist was very professional. Hence she refused to return & started lying about me AND the therapist instead. This was the reality check I needed to face the fact they didn’t want anything to change & wanted to continue scapegoating me instead – forever. I was stunned.
Sadly I was with a narcissist meaning I worked with one sometimes she confused me I knew it was manipulative on her part sometimes she became moody sadly overtime she became abusive towards me because yes I called her out what she was doing yes she put it back on me that’s my fault I had it enough because yes I felt I was walking on eggshells with her so it’s a fact narcissists can’t be fixed and don’t want to be fixed the the most miserable and unhappy people in this world and anyone that’s friends or with them in a relationship with them or even a family with the narcissist I seriously get out the former narcissist I was around really affected me and drained me badly am still recovering from the emotional and verbally abuse exactly it won’t ever get better if you stay with the narcissist of any kind😢!
I have been on a relationship with a narcissist for 3 months and half. It’s been one year she broke up with me (cuz I was the problem… according to her) but I still ruminate a lot on it. She even blamed me for issues she had with transport when we were seeing each other which was very rare, for some reason she didn’t want to see me that much but still pretended she loved me, without never saying it, unlike me by the way. After looking it up, I realized I suffered from emotional abuse with her and my therapist also thinks she’s got real problems and he’s trying to reassure me because she brainwashed me so much by making me feel guilty for her own responsibility or problems that for a long time, I thought part of the situation was my fault, that I should have just shut up and not bring up the problems within our relationship. She used to make me go through the silent treatment a lot, verbal violence, lashing out on me on a regular basis for no reason, like when I was simply asking questions about what she intended to do during the summer for instance… I think she had chronic anger and chronic sarcasm, she was being really mean through sarcasm, which was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced when talking to someone. Having someone make fun of you with such meanness is just the worst, especially when you have tons of feelings for them. @katimorton could you make a article about how we can love someone who is a horrible person? Cuz the one thing I can’t get through in my mind is how and why did I love soooo much someone who was that terrible and hurtful with me, especially when there weren’t even good moments, I mean they were good moments but they were very rare.
I totally agree with your view on the situation regarding the children. My parents got divorced when I was 11. And yes, it was much better to learn about relationships, happiness, etc. – yes, it wasn’t easy – but it was so much better than to live a lie. Children KNOW that the relationship of their parents is not good, is unhealthy, is hurting each other or all of the family….it’s absurd that parents think they can hide their problems and create an illusion of a happy family.
Also it is hard when there is kids. I grew up wishing I never knew my dad and my parents were divorced. And I’ve watched my kids be sad and go through abandonment issues when I had to leave their dads. And I had to. I had no choices anymore. He was violent and dangerous. But I would not have taken their father away if he had been safe. You do have to outweigh your options sometimes. And there really is no winning in this type of situation. You just have to do your best. And the kids now are much happier and healthier than they were. I am too. You can’t make their father care to make changes. It’s hella unfortunate, but the kids don’t need to be around abuse or the parents constantly fighting. There has to be a line you draw for yourself, and for your kids.
I went to therapy on my own for years when I was married. Were together for two decades. The most she ever game me with one therapist was 5 sessions. And even then she shut down and didn’t engage. The other therapists we tried lasted for one or two sessions only. Yet I was always the problem lol. Yeah, this resonates with me. It was like pulling teeth to get her to go to therapy. She even walked out of the first session with one therapist, a highly regarded therapist that utilized the framework that she endorsed. My ex wife may not qualify for a diagnosis of NPD, but she sure has narcissistic tendencies. Getting a divorce was unwanted and painful, but I could not be a healthy person being tied to someone who was so selfish and invulnerable. Marriage is a system that requires all parts to work together. Great article.
Everything u said is exactly what my husband does & this whole article made me cry the whole time cause I know this has to end but I want to get thru this but he doesn’t care.. so now im at the point where what am I to do now. My heath is declining because of this. My boys are 23 & 21 and I should’ve stayed gone when I left him, 20 times. Now my boys have resentment towards their dad & relationship problems.. i always would talk to them about what would be going on but yrs ago we all thought he was bipolar A & B…. But i figured out a year ago, its not that… Hes a full blown narcissist. And it breaks my heart.
So many wonderful impulses within this article! I also had to learn that nothing changes if only one part of the relationship works on it. For me it was the relationship with my father. To learn that he is a narcissist started my healing process. I still can see how growing up in a family with a person with NPD deeply affected me. From the child perspective I remember how I wished early on my parents would divorce. Peace was everything I wanted and I thought divorce would help that. Later on I even spoke open with my parents about it, repeatedly. That’s why I deeply agree with the statement that divorce for the kids can be a reasonable decision. I also respect if someone does not want to divorce or even that there are situations when divorce is dangerous. The possible danger is something I did not understand as a child. Although the children are quite young, I just wanted to bring up the thought that the relationships we witness in our parents and have ourselves with our parents affect us from day 1. That’s another reason for me to agree on the thought of divorce for the children. Yes, we can learn healthy and stable relationships even after experiencing narcissistic abuse, but we always have to spent a second thought or use more selfreflection. It feels like remaining to be more prone to some unhealthy influences than people learning healthy relationships right from the beginning.
No one can help someone who doesn’t believe they need help. When for example a narcissist becomes offended and on the war path whenever anyone who is female admits something about their personal inner life when it comes to their own faith. There are so many men like that in this world. That is why in the year 2001 when a college administration offered me free tuition to complete a post secondary program to become a Lutheran minister I said no because I am female from a Roman Catholic background. I don’t regret it.
Great analogy with the river & anchor. Also for the recipient (me) of the toxic behaviour & learning that my reactions & behaviour twds can also be toxic. I am just learning over the last few months about this stuff & most recently about BPD. I am unsure if my gf is bpd or narcissistic but there appear to be many many traits. She comes from a background with trauma. I find all of this very confusing the more i dig into it but also helpful at the same time. It seems that at times she knows there are issues for her to deal with. She does go to therapy from time to time but, rarely takes responsibility & often feels like therapy is only teaching her that i’m the bad guy. She lies about a lot of things & if i call her out on it, he’ll on wheels comes barrelling twds me & as ya’ll know i’m the bad guy again. It’s not her lies, only my reaction to it.
It’s my son. He exhibits narcissistic personality disorder (diagnosis from a mental health professional). It broke my heart when he shunned his mother and I several years ago. I have not blocked him on any social media, but I stopped responding to his “Head Games” some time ago. I still hear about him via ‘Others” but I make no attempt to contact him (with exception of an inheritable health condition a few months ago for which I got a blistering negative response not related to the condition.) I have no fix. I had to simply let go.
You are right, Katy, my parents were married for 20 years until they got divorced, I wish they did it way earlier because it only did a number on me and my siblings, there was physical abuse, they slept in separate bedrooms (how they had many kids I have no idea but I guess sex to them was mechanical and they didn’t want to cheat), they barely talked to each other nicely, I mean it was horrible, I physically witnessed my dad punch my mom or my mom hitting my dad with an object. But they say they both stayed because of the kids. Our family today is somewhat estranged. All the siblings are single although they long to be in relationships which we all never have been and I later realized in therapy is because we all are afraid so we’re looking for an ideal partner and to be honest sometimes self-sabotage or put up a wall. I am trying to be more at ease with the opposite sex and telling myself not all men are bad and I’m better now but always still think I have a long way still. I hoe to get a partner soon but mainly want to model a healthy relationships and if/when I have kids model a healthy one for them too. But I find the whole thing sad. Tidbit: None of my siblings and I have a good relationship with both parents, there’s zero relationship with my dad although we care for him from a distance because he’s older/unwell at times and with my mom, everyone relates with her a little bit because few still live with her but the rest who’ve left like my self are almost estranged. OK this is getting too long.
I had to break up with a therapist who kept trying to tell me ways to “fix” (i.e. manipulate) my husband. I went back to therapy to get help staying grounded, keeping my sense of self, and not letting some of the gaslights confuse me so much. I used to agree with Kati on staying married because of the kids. But in practice theres a lot more too it, given my mental health diagnoses and his lack thereof. Even though theres nothing but evidence that Ive sought treatment in order to be a better mom and honestly could do a lot more if he werent dragging us down. The courts look at me: major depression, past s*icide attempt, no job (because he wants me home with the kids), in ongoing treatment/therapy and him: no diagnosis, stable employment, very intelligent and well spoken…the courts can see those things differently.
Hi Katie, this is such an interesting topic. In any abusive or narcissistic partnership, someone is enabling that narcissistic person (consciously or unconsciously). It sounds to me like the person who submitted this question mentions she’s known this for 8+ years or so as she is the one who has been going to therapy “for the both of them”, which as you mentioned, does not work. It seems like she’s making both conscious and unconscious decisions here. I’d be curious if this individual is potentially using therapy as a cover to try to “change” or manipulate her narcissistic husband and why, as that will never work. She may want to try to lean into that in her own therapy which may actually help her work on her own relational healing. Lastly, I try not to jump to judgment or conclusions, but I’m always curious when someone says they are with a narcissist or some kind of awful partner. Did they not get to know this person? Or did they not get to know themselves? Usually we end up repeating the patterns of our parents or caretakers who parented us, without even realizing it. it’s so important we get to know ourselves well as well as the people we date over time and over different situations, and not ignore any “signs”. Many a times we see the signs and red flags yet we choose to ignore them.
i’m a self aware person with NPD, i have it because of trauma. the ones i care about i often put first before myself. it would be nice if u said that this article is about a person with npd that DONT want to change (sadly most of us, but some actually wants and do change). i truly wanna change and i have! i’ve actually gotten more peace within myself and relations after gaining more empathy and recognizing my patterns. and it’s so exhausting knowing my first instinct and then feeling bad abt having them, but i don’t act on them anymore. i truly and deeply care about my near ones, and i do things without expecting them to do something for me:) i feel like this article is a bit stereotypical
I agree on all the point, but the question is also, how do leave a narcissist? I see my mom going thought this and trying to have a agreement and a settlement but it is impossible to have a compromised with him since his word is the only one that matters. The situation is on going for years now and it seems never ending. What is the way to handle this type of personalities when you want to leave them and go on with your life?
My narcissist ex was fascinating because she did go to therapy, but she only liked ONE therapist ever, despite trying therapists in different states through moves. When she talked about that therapist, it sounded like the therapist just gave her narcissistic supply the whole time–telling her how impressive she was and how hard she worked hard to become such a great person and all that. I remember once she mentioned the therapist apparently said she was a “feelings savant,” which made me laugh (on the inside–you don’t NOT want to laugh at a narc)–she brought this up at the time because she was trying to convince me I had no feelings or empathy because I drew a boundary over some small thing in her life that she thought I should drop everything for. Obviously, we didn’t last long because boundaries are a no-go with narcs.
I’ve even accused my wife of being a narcissist and to no surprise she argued that fact (because they can’t be wrong) All I do to keep my sanity is simply ignore my wife when she starts on her sophomoric immature rants and walk away taking away her self made authority she thinks she actually has over me and In my head I take every word that comes out of her mouth pretending it’s a sheet of toilet paper I wipe my ass with. Arguing is pointless with a narcissist as I’ve learned and not saying I don’t feel frustrated but by doing what i do I hold on to the authority she thinks she’s taking away from me.
Just curious to know if this hits home for anyone… it’s just me venting.\r \r To my Narcissist wife….\r \r After two and half decades I can’t take any more blame. Each and every battle always ends the same. You’re on Top and I’m always below. It’s a struggle to know who I really am. When I start to feel happy there you are again, always ready to brawl and point out all my sins. My confidence and self-worth just dissipated into the wind. Now that I’m here it’s time for you to really dig in. Nothing you say makes sense and I know you’re better, so please stop with all the hurtful words. This is insane and wrong, but somehow you think it makes you strong. I wish you could see the damage you cause, but after 25 years and thousands of tears I’m nothing to you. I’m just waiting for the day you actually do what you say…. and throw me away. Shame on me… we all knew it would eventually end this way.
I gave my narc a last ultimatum this year and i said if you don’t agree to go to therapy so today we had our first therapy session but i just didn’t like the therapist personally.. feel like its not a match… but im already emotionally exhausted from 23 years of being with him .. i have been with him since i was 13- he was 16 we got married in 2015 we had 4 kids and im just fed up ..
we went to couples therapy and as soon as it turned out to not be her just getting me back in line – she didn’t like the therapist. She did like the second one and seemed like she understood that a 4 month silent treatment was bad…. but the desire to punish just took a different form. More of the saying something in a way to let you know I don’t care what you are talking about, or even just walking out of the rooom if I am sharing information.
My husband doesn’t ‘need’ therapy. Im the one who is the peoblem. I need therapy. I have been married for almost 20 years. My husband treats me ways that are so harsh. Swearing name calling and yelling.. looking down on. Somwtimes i just want to disappear. I seriously dont know where i am sometimes. I dont feel like i can ever be enough. I cant imagine any of my kids being treated the way he treats me on a regular basis. It is really bad when its bad really good when its good. My daughtee has told me I should dohorce him from the age she first knew what that meant. I dont want to leave…. I dont have anywhere to go.
2 Tim 3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, slanderers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good, treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, holding to a form of godliness although they have denied its power; avoid such people as these. 6
Heres a great rule of thumb. Know this Therapy doesnt work on individuals who are Domination Driven like Covert Narcissists. Therapy takes two people with a teammate mindset. PNarcs are not wired to be cooperative. They are wired to seek and destroy all competitors. They view eveyone within 50 feet of them as competitors. Those Zero Empathy shapeshifting psychopaths are more dangerous than Charles Manson and Jim Jones combined. That means you need to Cut Bait and Eject immediately their noxious traits. It may save you years of psychological Torchure and Monthly Trauma.
But, taking ur raging river picture and changing it slightly as the weight represents the other person so lets make it a person instead of a weight. Like in order to get water for us to keep us alive we get attached with a cord. One person is standing on the riverbank keeping the one save that goes into the raging water to fill the canisters with very much needed water. It works for years to keep both alive but then one day it doesn´t and we get both dragged into to raging river. The other person can´t swim so we are both at the verge of drowning. When i am cutting the cord now am i not the narcissist? Like taking their help for as long as it also served me but when when they don´t serve my needs anymore cut them of and let them drown? I don’t know how to not be a narcissist when i take care of my own needs an put them before the needs of someone else. Isn’t that the utmost key characteristic of a narcissist? I don’t want to be a narcissist….How do i take care of my own needs without being one?
I was convinced something was wrong with me so ive been in therapy for 2 years. She refuses to go to therapy without a reason. I have been wrong for 15 years and have never heard an apology. She keeps score and its 100-0 im getting my ass whooped lol. Therapy has helped me fix some things about myself but im convinced its not all me. I was confused for a long time. Every decision i make is questioned. I get shut out. Affection and sex withheld. I have too much invested to give up i really love her.
It is difficult to comment on this one because the guy is nowhere to speak for himself. The problem with narcissism is that the word is thrown around so much so that it has become glib. Another problem that I see with narcissists is their tendency to use projections. The wife could be the narcissist, who knows? From the little that she describes I wouldn’t conclude that he is necessarily a narcissist. Besides, we all have different opinions of the effectiveness of therapy. haven’t we? And if memory serves me, everywhere I look it seems that narcissism is rather a dire situation from which nobody recovers anyway. Many other things do affect our mental wellbeing as men, pornography being one of the major societal problem. Most of the symptoms attributed to narcissism will apply to us men when we are struggling with porn and masturbation addiction. However, things change drastically when we turn the corner.
Thank you Kati Narcissistic people are so tricky to deal with, they so stubborn and believe that they are always true and the others are fulse due to the obsseive feeling of superiority. They also treat any offensive reaction toward them with very little seriousness. Narcissistics are usually tyranic and their relation with others ends up with going apart.
First understand, narcissiam is a diagnosed mental illness. It’s not about you doing anything right or wrong. Every narcissist therapist advises, you cannot help a narcissist become a loving normal spouse because abnormal is their normal. And nothing you do for them can help them. They have to change themselves. Which they refuse to do. It’s a hopeless endeavor.
NPD is extremely rare. the reasons there are so many articles on it is simple, VIEWS. it’s honestly exploitive and pushes the idea that NPD is common. BPD is rare but far more common, people with trauma that act out towards others are far more common, people with terrible social traits are more common, but providers online are pushing this idea that it is so common and now my clients are coming to me labeling everyone a narcissist.
This is absolutely toxic nonsense. First, more likely than not her husband is an addict, not a narcissist. Second, advising someone to get a divorce for the kids is setting both the person and the child up for years if not a life time of trauma. A divorce is an adverse childhood event, linked to the development of mental health issues and PTSD. It is incredibly irresponsible to advise people to get a divorce for themselves – it takes 2-5 years to recover from the trauma of a divorce. It would be better to just not say anything unless you are that persons direct therapist. This woman is clearly in a hard spot, but a divorce is not going to get this man out of her life – there are kids involved and he will be there as a shadow every day. Something like this takes nuance and the ability to see the forest and the trees. It’s disappointing that so many therapists lack the insight on this and ruin families and inflict trauma on people who are not their patients because of this shortsighted advice.
I tried to “fix” my mother for most of my life, starting from age 13. I didn’t know that a: it wasn’t my job,b: it was impossible. It took most of my life to understand this. I felt sorry for her because she had zero insight into her own behavior. I’m 67 yrs old now; she’s been dead for 10 yrs. I’m still trying to deal with the damage she did to me. I can see now that her narcissism was generational. Her mother was one and the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
The whole problem is that at some level they already know and don’t want it to be true. That’s the thing they’re fighting. Pointing out that it’s true is echoing that voice inside that they’re constantly attacking and shutting down. Regardless of HOW you tell them, you’re still siding with a voice they despise.
I would advise that person to gray rock when visiting or talking to that person but never under any circumstances mention anything that tells them they are narcissistic. HUGE mistake. I once tried to politely tell my narc sister that it wasn’t helpful that she was talking about herself in response to what I said. So ever since then she sarcastically says “not to make this all about me but…” and then goes on to make it all about her just like it always was.
As a narcisst (currently a self-aware and learning new pathways one) I have an advice – never ever let the narcisst go away with their behavior. Wait them till they understand they did wrong and apologize. Do not let their bullshit to become believable for themselves. If they do not apologizs, do not forgive them until they do. If you do otherwise, this will only reinforce their paths, not help you and not help them. You can’t help someone change, if they do not genuinely realize they want to change. That is what I am so grateful my wife is super assertive. And super patient. And one more thing – you need to make sure you are happy. That is your number one goal. The narcisst’s happiness is his/her own problem, until they politely ask you to support them, or really tell you they feel insecure and reveal their true self they feel ashamed of even by themselves.
If you are in a relationship my advise is to leave instead of trying to fix the narcissist. Why? 1. the success rate is too low, 2. If you succeed your life will change from unbearable to just bearable with very few glimpse of happiness 3. It will take very long and you could use that time to improve your life substantially, 4. In my experience the narcissist lacks insight in their personality (Yes they know they are different, but they think it is a good thing). 5. Think about yourself. Your personality will change the longer you stay with a narcissist. And it will not change for the better. Just leave and don’t try to fix
I think remaining authentic and loving goes a long way. People are very quick to belittle and gaslight others on social media. I tell them how their actions impacted me (assuming they care), my thoughts about what they did (offering another perspective), and address what I would like to be done differently moving forward (setting a boundary). Does this work? Not every time, but those who want to have a relationship with me will put in the effort to maintain that connection.
My problem was I was in love with his possibility and not accepting him as what he was…a narcissist. Once I looked back I realized I didn’t love who he really was I loved who he pretended to be in out dating phase. Once I saw the real him it wasn’t a good kind loving understanding compassionate supportive partner, it was a drain of all those parts of me. I had to accept I didn’t love HIM only a version of him that he puts forward to gain supply. Stay strong and don’t give up warriors you deserve the real thing.
In the case of my ex, not even rock bottom was enough. He was so depressed at one point that he actually went to therapy for three years. Did it help? Maybe on a surface level. I’d say he just got better in manipulating others. He never really dove deep into his old trauma with his therapist. He recognised his mother as a narcissist, but is oh so sure he’s not. Most frustrating part: I met the therapist at some point because she wanted to support us though our struggles- and she straight out told me she’s super sure he couldn’t be a narcissist, it’s just not a good fit and I’m too sensitive. …well, they are sooo charming if they want to and the abuse is so easy to ignore when there are no bruises…
I’ve thought about this a lot. To me it is like you’re walking down the street and come across someone continually hitting their own head against a brick wall again and again and again. Shocked and horrified, you try to get them to stop. You resort to talking to them, reasoning with them, demanding they stop, pleading, begging, arguing with them, trying to physically stop them, trying to shield them. Even asking others for help. Maybe eventually they finally stop and you think you’ve gotten through. Satisfied you start walking away, but as you turn back to look they are at it again. So, you rush back to try to continue to stop them. This goes on for a very long time and you’ve tried everything you can think of. Finally, you’re exhausted and realize it is futile. But being a person of empathy, you’re in total shock and devastation at the situation and desperate for SOMETHING to work but NOTHING works and you can’t stop them. You NEED to succeed but you CAN’T. NOTHING works. Finally, you reach a point where you just get up and walk away. You have a horrible feeling like you failed and feel completely despondent and useless. But, no matter what, they were determined to do it and try as you might, you can’t stop them. Yet you feel desperate to do so, frantically, and panicking at the situation but helpless to do anything. With abject horror, you realize it is futile. I feel like trying to reason with others about “narcissism” who don’t get it is basically the same scenario. Despite whether they end up being manipulated by the narcissist, or abused, or become their flying monkeys, or try to “cure” the narcissist, or help them, or even for YOU to explain it to them or them explaining it to the narcissist or YOU explaining it to the narcissist.
I heard it said once If you are trying to fix a narcissist without them wanting help ‘buckle up, it ain’t gunna happen’ It isn’t your job to fix anyone unless you are a trained, mental health professional who is paid to do so. I’m SO glad, upon reflection, that I only wasted 3 months of my life with this. It breaks my heart that there are people out there who have wasted years in such relationships. Take care everyone
Different approaches for different people I want to keep in my life: For some, I just make sure to give attention and compliments and that’s enough. For others, I have to let them know I don’t want to argue or compete with them when they turn ordinary conversations into arguments/competitions. For some, I just realize that if they inevitably become temperamental or aggressive, I need to be as calm and boring as possible and wait until their mood improves.
There is no way in the world I would call out my husband on any level. His anger is so close to the surface on stupid little things that I don’t even know what was said to start it, that I would never put a label on him. It makes me choke when we watch movies with men who act just like he does and he scoffs and puts down their behavior. He always announces that he’s so glad he doesn’t act like they do. I’m always so grateful he can’t see me roll my eyes!
Again, thank you. After 42 years of marriage, my N husband no longer rages over me talking to other men. He has become much more gracious regarding certain things I choose to do, such as Visit family, go on girlfriend road trips, lead worship at church. One thing that has remained constant is his triangulation, with his son from a previous marriage and me. I have made huge leaps and bounds in dealing with my own anger. I have not had a “fit of rage” in over 20 years. However Some intolerable things remain the same. By God’s grace, I am lucky enough to currently live in another State.
“…Their toxic behavior is about them, and not you”. Making this observation is working for me. Keeping myself steady allows me to see the deviation that occurs in their behavior patterns. I’m beginning to predict the patterns and not expect it to change. That keeps me from reacting to her disposition of ‘scarcity’ (habitual bread-crumbing). For example, when I see her preparing supper in the kitchen at 3pm. Knowing her childhood dinner time at 7pm will still occur. My childhood suppertime was 5 pm. I know not to look forward to a delicious home cooked meal a couple hours before sleeping. Instead, I take myself out to a decent restaurant, or order delivery for us both. Last week that delivery came around 5pm and she almost forgot about cooking. She doesn’t want connection because that will show her flaws. So, I stopped criticizing her to let her relax her defensiveness and viable deniability demeanor towards me. It works. So, now I spend time giving her some attention that I would appreciate. Guess what? She mirrors me at moments and I acknowledge how it makes me feel. Hopefully, I can avoid frustration by focusing on improving my inner and outer worlds. Allowing her to mirror love and emotion, even though her true empathy never developed in childhood, may stick at certain points in her inner-habit world. And supporting my own needs when she strikingly maintains her inner status quo of breadcrumbs, deceit, and self-deceit. I’m thinking this makes me a DoctorRamani YouTube Student.
I think that one of the reasons I reached out for help was that I was worried and concerned that as I looked like my abusive relative I would be exactly like them. I did learn and copy some unhealthy and toxic attitudes and behaviours, however I also knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of those attitudes and behaviours. Thanks to those people who supported and helped me.
It’s not our responsibility to fix other people. It’s our responsibility to lead ourselves as authentically as we can. No matter how hard that is. Boundaries do not work with them. “Fixing” them is absolutely the wrong approach. We can only fix ourselves. And we all have issues. They will never reflect on themselves, so what would be the point of even trying to explain their behavior? It’s their journey. They need to see it themselves. They need the awareness and they have none.
I reached my breaking point tried to call my narcissistic ex mother in law out and it ended my marriage. Best thing to ever happen to me. I was married to a grandiose narcissist. She was a malignant one who was literally sucking the life out of me as a new mother with her constant need for attention, validation, and put downs. I felt like the insane one at that point in time. Best to break with toxic people if you can.
I think it’s best to stay away from anyone, who cannot see and understand that being in a relationship with this other person, is a problem. From my personal experience, I’ve caught onto the fact that they don’t want to see. It becomes a dynamic where it’s, “Hey, I get along with them just fine. I just know I have to get bent to be around them. Join me.” No. Because, before you know it, you’re seen as the toxic, uncooperative one. They might even want you gone, because the dynamic of mistreator and mistreated works between them and you are simply interference. I saw this between my mother and sister. My feeling was that, if it is agreed, between them, that mom gets to be an ogre, sister supports it and, worse, I am the scapegoat of it all, they’d better be glad I left. Cut your losses and ditch.
My sister is a narcissist and is so desperately unhappy all the time. Her husband is a gem, she has a beautiful home, beautiful kid, live in help, a nanny, Range Rover, doesn’t have to work and she still whinges about wanting a bigger house, a newer car and needs attention 24/7. Everyone walks on eggshells around her because she gets upset if she’s interrupted, if someone else has the attention, if you don’t compliment her enough or tell her how amazing she is. She is exhausting. But she is still my sister, I love her and I really want to get her to see how she is in the way of her own happiness and get her to be more self aware and see how blessed her life is and how she is negatively affecting those around her with her behaviour which she then uses to justify her victimhood. It’s frustrating when you can see it so clearly but are to helpless to do anything about it.
Honestly the title of this article made me angry, as my first thought was that it’s not my responsibility nor my problem to help them. I have been severely damaged trying to help them, and struggled with anger myself sometimes from it all. I now avoid all those things as much as possible. Totally focusing on how I feel and keeping boundaries with people who fall into these categories. ❤
You are absolutely true. If you have met multiple naracistic people, they simply go on as though nothing ever happened. If they have to hit ‘rock bottom’ is exactly what has to happen to an alcoholic before they seek help. If you ‘walk in’, you are ‘walking into’ a very very dangerous situation. You are safer settling a total non contact boundary. The only option you have is to totally ignore the naracist and all their flying monkeys. A naracist who ‘loves’ money will take a long long time to hit ‘rock bottom’ and probably never will, especially if they have a large work pension and are surrounded by fellow ‘professionals’ with the same mentality. Keep hundreds of miles away to keep yourself safe and secure. Many thanks for this article and all your content.
Three hours after speaking my feelings, and my truth, and breaking up with my boyfriend, I want to thank you, Dr. Romani, for bringing your voice and knowledge to the world. I am going on 7 years after leaving my husband, and it has not been easy. I have had a few therapists, a lot of internet research, and lots of talking with other women, to bring me to where I am today. This particular article could have been addressed to me today, but … with knowledge and faith in myself, and speaking my truth from my heart, I was FINALLY able to identify the gaslighting as my most current boyfriend was trying to change my mind. Thank you for sharing your knowledge. You have certainly been helpful to me.❤️💜💜💜
In my experience, narcissistic personality styles are characterised by the fact that they are “thought from behind”, the unconditional will for superiority is pre-programmed. The possibility of two people going through a joint relationship development at eye level if at least one of them has an excess of narcissistic parts is practically zero. Every project is ultimately doomed to failure because a narcissistic distraction turns the focus back to excessive self-centredness.
As a narcissist my self, I would suggest to never tell them they are narcissist. Just explain the way their actions affect you, and that maybe it would be a good idea to talk with a professional. But never tell them they are narcissist or they NEED to seek medical help. But try to tell them it would make them a better person, or just that it would help with some problems they have. Like anger issues. Then hope that they go and they can became self-aware. It’s a long and hard way.
This is exactly how I lost my girl friend. She said to me she missed the old me. It’s been haunting me cuz I was a miserable drug addict at that time. Now I’m clean 3 years and still in the hell that is my anti social, oppositional defiant disorder, ADHD, and now this narcissistic personality disorder. She made the right decision to leave and she did it so graceful and clean. Very proud of her and I feel so bad I didn’t even know this side of me existed.
I have this with a family member. I don’t focus on their behavior, I focus on their trauma. I tell them they are important to me, that they were a victim and now they are a survivor, and that I will love them through their bad times, but I won’t be their punching bag. I set boundaries and ask them why they feel the need to do certain behaviors. But there is a whole lot that I can’t talk to them about because if you trigger their shame, you’re in for a very bad ride. She’s a communal narcissist, so I can get her into a place where she will do things to help people, and we can work from that. The vulnerable narc in my life is so much more difficult to connect with because they look for anything you say to play the victim against.
I cannot say enough how thoroughly accurate this assessment is. So very difficult, painful, and heart-breaking to watch and if it is you seeing this painful truth in your spouse and feeling as if you have tried every possible way to help him/her and seeing it is futile…well you are not alone. Thank you so very much for all your insight and wisdom Dr. Ramani!
I’m speechless. I’ve been facing my childhood trauma for just over 4 years. Today I hit a bottom. I’m a bloody narcissist. I’m freaking out cos there is no help. Last few weeks lead me to my shame core. Worthless and non existent. My frustration is that that’s how my family made me feel about myself. Yet I’m the problem. Another day of excruciating pain. Fed up
Believe me….just keep going! If you’re wondering if you should leave or stay in ANY toxic, whoever it is, relationship…you can’t fix anyone, but yourself. It’s NOT your fault, nothing you do can ever be enough. Once you start understanding these different behaviors, it’s still hard, but you’ll finally be given validation in yourself! Your mind will be tricked many more times, just listen to her or another great therapist, understanding yourself, once again. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
Thank you Dr Ramani. I have been through it all. I can’t begin to say how exhausting it has been for 12 years. He has hit rock bottom, lost a lot, cried and promised not to continue this behavior but again reverted back to being ‘very difficult’. Now he has accepted he is difficult..and wants me to understand and live with it.
I tried a very indirect approach. Acting more curious than hurt, really tried to put on my poker face. She still hit me Edit: Another thing I tried was this. If I wanted to be more direct, I would go, “Hey, I know you’ve dealt with narcissistic people in your life, this might help you feel better!” And then I show them a website like yours, hoping they’d get the hint
I would say that the narcissistic person will only change if they see it for themselves and do the work, of their own accord. And the most likely scenario of that being triggered is if the narcissistic person hits rock bottom- most commonly seen through MASSIVE life upheaval, especially prison time. Other things that may trigger this include: losing a job, divorce, losing custody of kids, public humiliation, being caught in a scandal… My ex husband actually experienced all but the last one (and that is likely coming) and it has made NO difference in him. He is still the victim of everyone else and deluding himself.
It’s funny that the narcissist I know can sniff out another narcissist BUT does not see those traits in themself. At this point, I no longer have the desire to try to change this person. I am accepting them as they are; using the tools Dr. Ramani suggests to help ME get along and keep a modicum of peace.
Even if you try and explain things your way in the nicest possible way. They won’t understand and they won’t care. You can only change your attitude to them, but please don’t spend too much time doing that you will usually not get what you want. Try and not have them if your life if you can. Life is much easier.
My stepdaughter and her narcissistic mom make it work by living 4 states away and keeping their relationship completely superficial. But good on them for finding a way to make it work! It’s took years and it still bothers my stepdaughter at times but she’s grown so much from it since moving away from her mom. And she’s so happy now. ❤
There is mostly no outing them. Once you do, even if they seem genuine, they develop deep mistrust, because they perceive that you view them as “sick” and “flawed”, and yourself as “healthy” “perfect”. This will not sit well with them, and they will work double time to avoid the feeling that you think you are better than them, because they “went through something to make them this undesirable way”. It’s a lose/lose.