Leaving a narcissistic relationship can be challenging and emotionally draining, but it is essential to recognize the problem, develop a support network, plan a safe exit strategy, set boundaries, keep a record, seek legal assistance, stay calm and focused, protect children and pets, and understand the importance of empathy.
Narcissistic partners often prioritize their own needs, desires, and accomplishments over those of their spouse, leading to a lack of empathy. To break up with a narcissist, set limits, cut off all contact, and side with yourself. Avoid unnecessary contact with your ex, have a third person involved in conversations or emails, and set up rules on your email server.
When leaving, you may find yourself walking on eggshells, as your narcissistic spouse is in the driver’s seat of the relationship. Express your expectations, needs, and desires, recall how and when the wooing stopped, recall your first doubts or red flags, and promise to change if persuasion, guilt, and attention-getting behaviors don’t pull you back into the relationship.
Work on your self-esteem by trusting instincts, disregarding guilty feelings, and overcoming self-doubt. Set boundaries and find ways to enforce them.
In summary, leaving a narcissistic relationship can be challenging and emotionally draining, but it is crucial to remember the importance of empathy, setting boundaries, and working on self-esteem. By following these tips, you can successfully end a narcissistic marriage and rebuild your life.
📹 The Dangers of Divorcing a Narcissist with Demetria Graves | Season 2; Ep 4
Top divorce attorney Demetria Graves reveals her pre-divorce checklist, the biggest mistakes people make in the process and …
How do narcissists treat their wives?
A 2019 study found that people with NPD have traits that make it harder to love. Your narcissistic spouse may not support you or show emotion. They only love you for themselves.
How do narcissists act during divorce?
Manipulative Behavior: Narcissists may use manipulative tactics to get what they want from the divorce. Blame Projection: Narcissists avoid admitting to anything bad about themselves.
Blog. Specialty tags: Divorce can be hard, especially with a narcissistic spouse. Knowing a narcissist’s behavior will help you plan for a successful divorce. Divorcing a narcissist is harder than usual. You and your lawyer must be careful. Narcissists are relentless in getting what they want and don’t care about the impact of their actions.
What a Narcissist Does During Divorce. It’s hard to know what a narcissist will do during a divorce because their behavior can vary a lot. Some may go to extreme lengths to get what they want. However, you will likely recognize your spouse’s narcissistic traits.
How will a narcissist react to divorce?
Aggression: Narcissists like to control things, so getting divorced can make them feel out of control. This can make them more aggressive, vindictive, or manipulative. They might attack you personally, make false accusations, or try to drag out the proceedings to maintain control. Manipulation: Some narcissists might suddenly become overly cooperative or even affectionate to try to prevent the divorce. This is a way to confuse their partner and make them doubt the divorce. Remember that these behaviors are likely just tactics, not real remorse or willingness to change. Stay firm in your decision, maintain clear boundaries, and seek legal counsel. Can a narcissist be abusive during a divorce? A narcissist may become abusive during a divorce because they feel out of control. Abuse can be emotional, verbal, financial, or physical. They might try to scare or control their spouse to get back at them for divorcing.
How does a narcissist react to divorce?
Narcissists React. Narcissists often try to control their exes and manipulate the divorce situation to their advantage. Narcissists often think they’re superior and deserve special treatment even after a relationship ends. This makes them use abusive tactics to get their ex-spouse to do what they want. During divorce, narcissists may try to make their ex-partner look bad. They may make their ex-spouse doubt reality and their own sanity. They may also spread false information about their ex to damage their reputation. Narcissists may also try to control the legal process by hiring a good lawyer or using delay tactics to exhaust their ex. Dealing with a narcissist during and after a divorce is hard. Narcissists make it harder for victims to recover. Knowing how narcissists act is important for anyone trying to protect themselves and get through the legal system.
Is it OK to divorce a narcissist?
Narcissists are people who think they’re better than others and need to be admired. They can be manipulative, controlling, and sometimes abusive, which makes the divorce process harder. With the right support, you can divorce a narcissist and protect your mental health. We’ll look at how to divorce a narcissist, including the importance of friends and family, identifying red flags, finding a support group, and finding the right lawyer.
The first steps. First, identify red flags of narcissistic behavior. Narcissists can be charming at first, but they may also be controlling, manipulative, and abusive. Know the signs and get help fast.
Ask friends and family for help. They can offer support throughout the divorce process.
How long can a narcissist stay married?
A narcissistic relationship can last as long as you want. Some people stay in these relationships for years, while others leave more quickly. What does a narcissist do at the end of a relationship? A narcissist’s behavior at the end of a relationship can be complex and depends on their personality, circumstances, and goals. At the end of a relationship, narcissists tend to react with anger or try to get their ex back.
Why a narcissist won t divorce his wife?
Why a narcissist won’t divorce you. A narcissist might oppose divorce because it challenges their self-esteem. They may later see legal battles as a way to punish their spouse. Divorcing a narcissist is exhausting. Every divorce is different, but divorcing someone with narcissistic personality disorder is especially challenging. These can be fixed with proven tactics. This guide by divorce lawyer Hardeep Dhillon looks at the difficulties of divorcing a narcissist and seven ways to achieve the right outcome. Need more help? Contact us today. There’s a lot to cover here. Click the links below to navigate to a specific section.
What a narcissist does at the end of a marriage?
When a narcissist ends a relationship, they can act either combatively or passively. This shows they can’t handle rejection or criticism. Sometimes, a narcissist will leave when they feel their partner no longer meets their needs or gives them enough attention, even if the relationship is fine. If your narcissistic spouse has presented you with divorce papers, it is important to take the situation seriously. Narcissists often use manipulation and control tactics to maintain dominance. It’s important to talk to a divorce lawyer to protect your interests and understand the situation, even if you think they’re bluffing. You might decide to keep going with the divorce. How do you know a narcissist is planning a divorce? It can be hard to tell if a narcissist is planning a divorce because they are hard to read and manipulative. However, there are a few signs that a narcissist might be thinking about ending the marriage. One sign is when they start to devalue you. The narcissistic spouse may start to criticize their partner. This behavior is blaming the spouse for everything or highlighting their imperfections.
Can a marriage survive with a narcissist?
You can have a healthy marriage with a narcissist if you set reasonable expectations. Some people in a marriage with someone diagnosed with NPD experience abuse. This can be verbal abuse.
How does a narcissist apologize?
A narcissist might apologize to get something in return. They might apologize to make themselves look bad or to fix their image. Some narcissists don’t apologize. They won’t apologize because they’re proud. They might not admit they did anything wrong. Let us help you improve your mental health. Get expert tips on mental health delivered to your inbox monthly. Do narcissists love? If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you’ve probably wondered if they love you.
How do I get out of a narcissistic marriage?
Read on to learn how to leave a narcissist. Admit the Problem. … Get support. … Plan an escape. … Set limits. … Keep records. … Get legal help. … Stay calm and focused. … Protect children and pets.
📹 Breaking Up with a Narcissist
Narcissists and their narcissistic abuse can be destabilizing and make you question everything about your relationship. In this …
My ex husband was such a narcissist, he enrolled a law degree in the middle of a divorce (which is now in its 5th year). In the beginning, he was hiring barristers and then realised that he is “cleverer” than them, i.e. they were so “stupid” they couldn’t convince judges to believe his lies. Let me also say that he already has a degree in electrical engineering and has had a lucrative career in IT. He has abused every venue of appeal and even applied to the European Court of human rights. He didn’t want to pay child maintenance so the children had to endure a DNA test. When the children and I left unbearable hell of family home in a shelter, he changed the locks and rented the house to three young women (living there with him). We managed to kick him out. God gives me strength to deal with this freak and I can’t wait to see how he is going to deal with him in the end. People, especially women need to be educated to spot a narcissist from a mile. They are a plague to a human race. I am so glad I left him, it is priceless.
I read this online in a poster: When a narcissist loses was control over you, they will control what others think of you. 18 years 8 months and 7 days and I got out. Have no home I am on every housing list and I came to survive in the middle of winter. All that being said… my life is better than any day of that 18 years 8 months and 7 days.
I can’t even divorce my narcissist I just feel like death might be the only way out. Can’t afford to leave I’ll lose what little I have and yet nothing means anything to me. He is the hardest person I’ve ever dealt with in my life. I just don’t even know what to do at this point. Too depressed to make plans to leave too depressed to look for extra work or want to work a second job to stay steady on my feet. It’s hell. I haven’t had a clear mind in years and nobody understands except the people who’ve maybe gone through this. It’s the strangest thing to ever deal with then having to deal with the trauma in your head.
This is such important information. I am now divorced after 36 years of marriage to a difficult narcissist. Thankfully my attorney was upfront about going to court telling me that only the attorneys would win. My attorney said my ex was the most difficult person she had dealt with in her long career. The Narc-Ex had a replacement for me before I even left the home and my children learned of his new wife on Facebook (his go-to for supply) My “settlement” ended up being a fraction of the 1/2 it should have been & my physical and mental health suffered as did the health of my adult children. It was a nightmare, but I am free. Still lots of rumination about the new woman in the home I made even so far as wearing the clothing I had to leave behind when I covertly left. Please keep educating people including attorneys and judges.
Demetria is really good. I divorced a full fledged narcissist & all this is true. Best approach was to be the “reasonable” one & the one being willing to “compromise” to come to a “solution” (whether you want this or not). Emphasize you support the kids “loving” the other parent & vice versa. This IS what judges want to hear. The narcissist will NOT support this, this even triggers them & they do “themselves” in. This was hard but was so effective & worked!!! Took me 3 yrs.
Really great but triggering. I will say premarital counseling is such a laughable suggestion. If marriage counseling is a bad idea with a narcissist, what do you think premarital counseling will do? I went through premarital counseling with my ex narcissist. I think it was just the perfect venue for more love bombing and future faking, and gave him the complete playbook on how to manipulate me since I was actually being honest.
My ex husband did agree to mediation. And while we went through it, it was super emotional as he was antagonistic and didn’t want to give in on certain things. Even now, he recalls that he “trusted the wrong people and got screwed”. If anything this episode prepared me that he will eventually take me to court, so that “he can win”! I save all his antagonistic text messages.
This is an excellent podcast. I wish I had found an attorney like Ms. Graves when I went through a divorce from a diagnosed sociopath 18 years ago. I went through 3 attorneys and ran out of money before I could find appropriate counsel. The worst case scenarios that are described in this podcast happened to me and traumatized me for life. I had documented everything but it did not help when push came to shove because the family courts and judicial system did not recognize the existence of narcissistic personalities at the time, even though I had medical proof of the ex’s personality disorder. My children went through hell because of the situation, were forced to spend a weekend a month at their dad’s place even though they contested it, and are still dealing with the confusing and gut-wrenching aftermath 16 years later. Divorce is difficult in the best of situations, but divorcing a sociopath raises this to a whole different level of pain and injustice.
After perusal the hell my parents went through in their divorce (they were both narcissists and the divorce lasted 4 years). Divorce scared the shit out of me. When it was my turn to get a divorce from my narcissist ex-husband, I decided to hit hard and fast. I didn’t really sit down and talk with him about it beforehand (he used divorce as a threat to get me to do what he wanted. That was us ‘talking’ about it). I waited and when the time was right (and I had money in my bank account) I took the divorce papers (saying we both agree to divorce and there would be no fighting) and I put them in front of him and said “If you don’t want me to hire a lawyer and fight you for every damn penny you own, then you’ll sign these papers now and make this divorce as easy as possible.” (He was a trust fund baby, and this scared him). Luckily, it worked, and he signed the papers and was on good behavior for a month until the divorce was finalized. (Strangely, my divorce was finalized the same day my narcissistic father died, and my ex-husband kicked me out of the house the same weekend as the funeral.)
I was married for 34 yrs to a narcissist. I didn’t even know what that was, till I was totally crushed. I loved him with all I have. I finally found out he was such a deceitful person. He made me believe I was always the bad person and so worthless. God gave me evidence of him having sexual relations with his daughter. God is still helping me with mental health.
My husband’s first wife was a narcissist. He filed for divorce. She exploded and told him that she would ruin him and he shouldn’t think that she couldn’t. After 3 years in court, the judge decided to grant a bifurcated divorce. He probably thought that would shut down her nasty games. It didn’t. The property settlement was given 3 years later. By that time, he and I were married for 2 years. His ex never remarried. She continued to file claims that she was not getting ANY child support even though my husband was garnished from day one. The court bookkeeping was crap to put it nicely. Then, there was interest on the questionable missing child support. Eventually, the alleged arrears were over 50,000 dollars. It ended when my husband died 23 years later, but only after they tried like hell to collect them from me as a marital debt. That didn’t work.
After perusal this all of my fears about what it will be like to leave filled me with absolute dread. After surviving cancer and still healing while also shrinking in a narcissistic marriage, I dont think I have the inner warrior inside to withstand the torment of a divorce. I KNOW he would be every bit of the evil that was described. He also has complete control of all funds. This really hurts. Thank you for the extreme honesty here.
There is no system so uniquely suited to attract and amplify the worst traits and behaviors of the narcissistic personality than the family law courts and the legal justice system in general. From the ultimate power trippers (judges) to the win by any means necessary lawyers to the smaller (and most vicious due to their limited powers in small ponds) court mediators and security personnel, the levels of abusive power tripping know no bounds. As a legal specialty, family law is the most outdated and highly confrontational area of law. The careers of millions of people depend upon the domestic illnesses of millions of others. The more contentious the better for all involved except for the children who are used as the ultimate leverage in every way possible. Additionally, since it comes straight out of the patriarchal playbook it contains language, law, and ideology which puts children in the category of property (think ownership of people level grossness) and pits the most abusive and power hungry against the most vulnerable in public settings, what we end up having is a continuation of the old world public square shaming. I ask you to consider why it is necessary for what started out as an emotional/spiritual bond, that combined the lives of two people needs to be separated in a public space, especially considering that these proceedings end up encouraging the most mendacious, cruel, and destructive legal attacks. Now consider that there is not much to be done about the other person lying and framing the other as the worst human on the earth.
married 18 years, I filed after dv-his actual words “gloves are off” 3 years later very successful in mediation as he failed to disclose despite multiple orders that stemmed from his narc lawyer filing so many wasteful claims. It’s a marathon that I might not have survived without a great group of friends, a councillor and a divorce coach. By the way he tried to label me as an alienator. Classic I changed lawyers and it was done in 6 months. He succumbed to hate and died the day after our mediation/arbitration. Thanks for this great presentation
11 years married, no children, no physical violence. I had my narc professional husband served papers. He didn’t want to sign & proceed with a divorce, but told me he wanted me to come back so HE could save $ on taxes, no love mentioned of course. 16 years separated, he sold our home & he recently paid cash to have a bigger, new house built & furnished & lives there now. Our attorneys cost us each >$30,000. He hid so many assets, collectibles, stocks, accounts & LLC & he worked the system. Fortunately I had some of that paper proof, but not all. Money & control mean everything to him! This is a great podcast & I sure wish I’d seen it earlier! Our case was just finalized by the court last week & I didn’t get much in the divorce settlement. Meanwhile he is retired now, still brings in $9,000 K/month & flaunts it. I will stay clear of narcassistic men & will never marry again.
Greetings Dr Ramani, This episode is a Godsend to me. I initiated a divorce after 31 years of marriage to an abusive and utterly narcissistic spouse. I’m really grateful for this advice, as I prepare for this divorce process. thank you for introducing me to Demetria Graves, what a wealth of information! I recently sought out a Therapist and I hear you clearly about how vital it is to keep emotions in check in a court, Thank you Dr Ramani for this crucial message to be strategic, tactical and supported🙏❤
This brings so many memories. It’s been so long since I thought about any of this.I don’t know why I decided to listen to this article. I’m a big fan of Dr. Ramani. I wish I knew what I know now when I was divorcing my malignant narcissist years ago.Everything they’re discussing I’ve lived through. My abuser even tried to deport me. As an immigrant away from my family and my abuser being the one in charge, I didn’t think I’ll stand the chance against his narcissistic attorney.I want everyone to know that there are better days. It’s been 8 years for me and I’m thriving. Please, never give up.
21:35 Exactly this. That was/is my experience. It has taken me since 2020 to be able to answer my phone, read email, not cringe when there is a knock on the door. My daughter told me, about 5 years into the divorce, that she was having trouble sleeping because, “Daddy says he is going to make you homeless and broke.”
Luckily I found a good attorney after I faced the facts of the trauma bond with the narc. I was in so much denial and trauma that I tried to fix my marriage and made some mistakes on the legal process. It has cost me alot with my power being sucked out of me. I am not wasting any tome or money and breaking free from the unhealthy bonds and most of all marriage. Namaste. Thank you Dr R and Ms. D esquire
We need a group of professionals like these two to collaborate and come up with a personality evaluation for narcissistic behavior in the court system before starting a litigation. What a waste of legal and social resources to accommodate narcissist’s ambitions. For over four years now I have been trying to divorce my narcissist who is a former lawyer as well. He dragged me through everything that was discussed in this interview and more…canceled four mediations and fifth one was useless. Quit working, no child support and filled a ton of motions. We finally are making it to our first trial. I wish I’d have heard this interview years ago, I would not have aged 20 years like I did in the last four.
This discussion was incredibly helpful. It helped clarify how I can help my husband, who was recently divorced from a woman who didn’t really take parenting seriously, and only wanted 50% custody for the money. I have given him some of the advice mentioned here, one of which is “Don’t engage.” on anything that is not specific to reporting medical or other factual information relating to the kids. Just say “have your attorney reach out to my attorney.” Don’t argue. Don’t justify. Don’t explain. Edit: He has four boys, two are in the Army, and two still living at home. They are amazing kids and I love them. The youngest is 15 and is very damaged by the significant neglect from his mother. It is an honor and a huge responsibility to be there as a mother figure for him. I never, ever, disparage his mom, just listen.
Thanks for another good talk. It’s good to know we are not alone. I have been through the gaslighting but I didn’t know what it was. When I realised something was wrong which was bills not getting paid, I called my daughter to see if she thought I was losing it. She said mum dad is gaslighting you I had to ask her what she meant, she she told me. I felt it painful the person who was suppose to love me was doing this to me. Manipulation was the same. It’s only through these websites I have been educated. It’s been so painful dealing with it and I have cried a lot. I have called him out on things and he denies it or blames me. I used to be afraid but not anymore. I have not spoken to him for 7 months. I do my own thing. I’m so grateful to you for you helping me. ❤😊
Dr. Ramini is a BLESSING!! Thank you for what you do… these are difficult topics to cover but ESSENTIAL in our healing process. I personally had several litigious feuds, not Divorce-related though… And i must say, all of these pointers that Ms. Graves presented our SPOT ON!… Many of which I had even used MYSELF, having been self-represented and luckily winning both trials… Narcissism in court is an experience like NO other… and i believe that, at this age in my life, marrying ANY person is FUTILE if without proper contingencies in place… for instance, like a Prenup or perhaps a secondary form of income. I honestly prefer just dating and having a swell time rather than committing to a particular one individual for whom i have little background information. Taking time to get to know people are IMPORTANT! Thanks again ladies! ❤💚💜💛💕
Holy Cow, Demetria Graves hit every phase of my 4 1/2 yr. If my horrific divorce! Maybe I was stupid, but I decided to stay until my children were young adults, so I wouldn’t have to deal with the moving or child support! But I took abuse and was a wreck, trying to shield my emotions from my kids for 32 years. Did I fail some time, Yes! After 42 years of marriage, I filed for divorce, and fortunately he moved out to his girlfriend. I asked people who was a bulldog attorney, and I hired her. She was awesome. She actually had a few little nick nacs that clients gave her of witches riding brooms! Cracked me up! Anyway, he totally cut me off financially, not 1 cent. He was supposed to give me temp support and pay for my legal fees. He didn’t. He didn’t supply financials,claiming he had no money. He didn’t. He fought every decision and took it to the state Supreme court. My 1st attorney didn’t want to drive 3 hrs to plead for me. Enter 2nd attorney, $$$. Then the States, Iowa and Illinois 2ndly, put a $250,000.00 lien on the farm, almost half of its value, for his back taxes. Fortunately the IRS was only after him, because unbeknownst to me, as I was cosigning a fake tax return filing, had been not paying under filing Married but Separate. As far as the State liens, enter 3rd added tax attorney who fought for me under Innocent Spouse and we won that,after Supreme court decision. After 3 1/2 years and getting me the farm, but no divorce yet, she stepped down. She told me she was sick of him.
My ex is the rare friendly presenting controlling person. The ultimate “nice guy” victim that’s willing to give you “everything” but then goes back and changes “everything” to suit them…all with a smile until you object to something. Then they do a show of anger that makes it look like you are the one that’s being unreasonable in the face of all that faked niceness and generosity. It’s a trip. He got everything he wanted. Drug the whole thing out for hours until we were all frustrated and just wanted to leave.
Thank you for a super spot on analysis of these kind of divorces! I wish I could have had this input 9 years ago! Never knew there was something called narcissism, but that self important insistence on control, no matter what, nails it! Feel this is a discussion that should be presented at school level, as a life skill. You’re both brilliant! Thank you!
This topic hits close to home. My husband’s childhood bestfriend married his then girlfriend right after graduation; She convinced him to move them to California so she could join the military. And he cut off all contacts with family and friends back home. After 10 years, he reached back out to my husband, admitting that he was going through a divorce (should have listened to my husband to not rush into marriage), had been kicked out of the house, and was lost and confused. Once back in our homestate, he admitted that their marriage and sex life died after 5 years, but he held on until his wife filed for divorce and took everything they owned…. ~sigh~ I have never seen such a broken person, who still loves the other person 🙁
I guess I should consider myself lucky after marrying a psychopath and a narcissist. At the time I did not even know what either really was. I got married older in life and I put very little energy and resources into the wedding, even though it was great! And my ex who is 13 years older, at the age of 50 convinced me that we shared many of the same common values and I realize later he had become the person that I wanted and needed at the time. Comes from a very well-known family from another English-speaking country, that has almost as high of a living standard as we do, and has led a life of privilege. There were literally no red flags the beginning and all of my friends and family became very endeared to this man who seemed so selfless. Right after we had the ceremony and reception, everything changed. His rage started peeking out several months later, and I experienced being the victim of some very unsettling and strange crimes. He would literally go out for happy hour, I wouldn’t hear anything from him all night and he would arrive home drunk at 3:30 or 4 in the morning on a work night, and often when he got home he would just terrorize me by yelling and screaming at me. Because I had sponsored him, I couldn’t just kick him out of my house, and the kept saying Love Me or Leave Me starting about 6 months into the marriage. Shockingly about a year until the marriage I came home from work and he and all his belongings had disappeared with absolutely no warning. He got his green card, and I think he really wanted access to my network a very influential policymakers, as well as access to my finances.
I just stumbled across this article and Omg! This topic is so needed and important for people to watch. Fortunately, my ex-husbands were not narcissists and both of my divorce experiences were agreeable and handled easily by paralegal filings. Both in California. But I have met narcissists in other aspects in life and they are self-centered and unpleasant.
If you choose to leave, do so like it’s his idea, block him straight away on all social media and phone etc. Go no contact. Let family and friends know your marriage has collapsed. He will go on a smear campaign, let him. Get an experienced lawyer if you have to. Just remember eventually you will be free. Keep calm and do not engage.
He initiated the divorce, thought that would hurt me. Once I got the ball rolling he refused to comply and communicate with my attorney .He was silly because as he acknowledged being served I could move forward with the proceedings . Out of his narcissistic rage he dared me while he was living his double life. 11 months after no communication and me informing him prior that it’ll cost if he doesn’t comply (I payed all the fees) . He was so drunken by his arrogance ( thinking I wouldn’t leave because this wasn’t our first rodeo) all while parading his new supply ( it’s the lack of fore-site for me). Anyway In the email hoovering because he was blocked everywhere begging for us to meet face to face to sign papers, I responded ” my solicitors sent you the final paperwork 2 months ago,we are no longer married,now leave me alone ” During the discarding he was big and bold so this reaction was not what I was expecting . Infact It was extremely wired like he became a child I was communicating with a child . A bittersweet moment because I realised I was playing chess and checkmated a child. A child who wasn’t ready for the big world. (Like that movie with Tom Hanks “BIG” when he deflated at the end) It was weird because it was my moment to feel victorious but I felt sad I pitied him, I felt angry because it was a game for him all along ( I love children, I would do anything to bring joy to my Nephew’s life) I didn’t became drunken with power and that wasn’t fair considering the disrespect,insults and abandonment.
Enjoyed this enlightening interview. I planned my exit from a controlling ex. It was 15 months from interviewing an attorney I felt comfortable with to having him served with divorce papers. My first thoughts where my attorney thought I’d change my mind. I told her no matrer what he’d make it high conflict. Our plan allowed my son to graduate from college and for me to have finances in place and recognize the battle ahead. Like Ms. Graves’ approach, my attorney didn’t feed into bantering with his narc attorney. We finished in less than 2 years through mediation, I came out well. He’s been in contempt on a couple of issues but I debating if its worth going to court because I know he wants to drag things out.
You guys are so awesome! I’ve felt off and on over the years – and especially since I’ve grown in my understanding of narcissism – that I needed to get out of my badly toxic marriage, and still believe that would be the healthiest and most logical thing to do at my age, with grown children and for the remaining years I have left. You brought up the dreadful issue of not considering the high stakes and potential problematic issues before marriage, and my wife and I did not even come close to covering that base. Subsequently, I’ve had so much regret to work through. 🤪
Great podcast! It took 2 1/2 years for a 32 year marriage. I was the one sending multiple motions because my narcissistic ex was not complying with the Judges ruling. When we finally got to court the Judge didn’t enforce her own ruling, didn’t care if he complied with the MSA or not and dismissed the case. What a joke.
I was just kicked out of a home I shared with my partner for 6 years with all four of my kids… we only share the youngest. I tried so hard to make things work and took the narc abuse as internally as possible so it would affect my kids less… but after leaving and going to my parents home with my kids while I try to put our lives back together… I’m in my 40s and homeless (with my kids no less) for the first time and it is devastating. We’re living out of the trash bags of our stuff that I was able to fill with the police standing by… so I only had a short time to try to get all of the kids most important things. So, now I’m starting over with almost nothing… and I have to say, it is a small price to pay for peace. I pray that all of you out there in these abusive relationships can eventually find your peace too. ❤
I am presently in divorce property division proceedings. She has narcissistic traits on top of CPTSD & DID, all professional diagnosed. So, during our arguments I was working with 5 personalities or pieces of her personality. I have had depressive disorder most of my adult life & the mental/emotional/verbal abuse put the Complex to my PTSD. I appreciate your & the lawyer advice. Thanks
Very informative discussion! Unfortunately, I needed this information about 4 years ago (my divorce lasted just shy of two years). I personally went through most of the tactics discussed that a narcissist would do in a divorce. Plus, I had to deal with the opposing narcissistic lawyer. The most challenging aspect for me was dealing with my life threatening health situation, being unemployed, and a mom of two small children at the same time. Now that deserves its own discussion!
Omg yes, I had these blameshiftie sentences exactly the same words “Mum is taking away your house,” Him crying to our children I think the whole system is biased. How about changing the legislations, law for the real benefit of the children. .. I have no hope, positivity, or trust in our judges, our legal system… Going through this process, you just have to agree to disagree. I wish I had just left with my children a long time ago. If you can get out of these toxic relationships, please do without getting to court as the court will not look at you nor your children. All they look at evidence. Believe me the manipulating aholes will have more evidence on you, even you wouldn’t know about that you said that or done that… everything you said and did will be twisted and turned against you… So do not get to the court battle stage… just grab your children a bag of your belongings and go ….❤
So informative. Although I will admit I am the one who sends the full page texts. 😅 guilty. I think it’s because in real life conversations I can’t say anything without the defend deflect and destroy tactic being used against me. And when I write it all out even if it’s not fully received I feel like I can say my whole peace and leave it all on the floor so to speak. Noted. I will work on it. Thank you.
Although my divorce was horrible and he did try to RUIN me for leaving after 16.5 years, I’m aware that it could have been even worse. Then he was in contempt but I wasn’t willing to litigate it. I just wanted OUT. Yes, I was in therapy at the time. My divorce was just under 3x the the projected cost. This would have been helpful to have known but what’s done is done.
I told my husband that I wanted divorced and he told my daughter that I didn’t want to be a family anymore and he is definitely doing this with my daughter. She even tried to tell me that she wanted to live with him because he had been telling her all the things that he thinks will help him win. He is still living in the home but I made him move to another bedroom. He still tried to talk to me but I try my hardest to not engage
I appreciate you bringing to light that a sympathetic decision is what the non-narcissist is really going for in a court of law! I’ve been stewing about paying half of a bill, considering my husband is out-incoming me 10 to 1. I am looking at this from a different perspective now. I paid $7500 to get out of the marriage, and $37,000 for property I deeded to the both of us. My marriage gave me the opportunity to put my daughter through 4 years of college through the VA. I am grateful for the $44,500 school loan!
I wish I had this information before. After 23 years of marriage ( mental virus I call it) and then almost 5 years of court battle and a lot of money. My lawyer was not equipped to handle it at all. Thank God it’s over now. It costed me a lot, but I am still standing and my physical health is improved but mentally I have along to go. How do I go by to fine a good Conselor/Phycologist who can help me to move on. I am just stunned by the whole process. I went through everything you discussed about. I need help the mental virus he put in my head. The marriage had a lot mental, physical and financial abuse but the court process was even worse. The court let him, victimized me again for 5 years 😢. Please help me get a good help so I can move on. Thank you
My divorce started in 2018. Even though we are divorced now everything of far from fine. All my children were alienated from me. The judge that over saw the first court case didn’t believe one thing I said but, did believe everything my ex said. She got everything she asked for including my finances and even alienated my kids from me.
I went through that.. Thinking the divorce was harder then the marriage but, then I remember the big bad things he has done to me or wasn’t there when I needed him the most and I keep fighting for my freedom and hope don’t get out empty handed and poor when he makes $141,000 a year and I was a stay at home mom at his request
I’ve been with my spouse for 27 Years. We bought a house together 19 years ago. He does pay most of the bills. But I pay the water and gas. I used to pay the car note…paid that off. He decided to buy another car I didn’t want to pay another car note. I also paid for the volleyball club for our youngest daughter who is now 19. She was in college at a D-1 school on scholarship. She ended up hurting herself. NOW, he says to people I don’t pay bills. He’s not only a narcissist but a drunk a very mean one. He doesn’t take care of any upkeep of the house. I’ve done what I could. A year ago he was drunk and passed out and flooded the entire house. He took care of the insurance on the house and it doesn’t cover ANYTHING!!! I ended up ripping all the carpet out of the house by myself. He’s cheated more times than I’d like to count. My house is cheaper than any apt I could find near me. The car I paid off he began using for parts on the newer car he bought. So. …I don’t even have car to take in the end. I can’t really afford to live on my own. I’ve looked even for rooms to rent. So much to say. I can’t even all I know is I need to get how. I feel so trapped.
Yessss. Preach! My ex wife-Queen of Narcissists did exactly that thing. She claimed emotional abuse and that i was threatening her and out children and got a restraining order. I never dreamed, that after 20 years of her abusing me that she would get a restraining order. It ruined my life… For a time. I couldn’t see it call my kids.. got kicked out of my house. The “impartial” mediator completely bought into everything she said. So i ended up with only being able to contact my kids via email. I had no history of violence and the judge granted the R.O. stating “he was erring on the side of caution.” Now. I was using sleeping medication and texted my kids one night instead of emailing. I didn’t even remember doing it. I lost my job, by the way, because of the R.O. So My ex wife immediately called the police to tell them that i violated the R.O. I was taken to court. I had no money. The public defender talked me into pleading no contest. So, now, i had a domestic violence case against me. I had to pay thousands in fines, do 150 hours of community service, on probation for 3 years. R.O. for 5 years and could only email my children. Oh and 52 weeks of DV classes that i had to pay for. She won.. She ruined my life. It lasted for about 3 years. I lived 400 miles away. And she called the police several times a week saying i was violating the R.O. and so the police called me constantly. Harassing me. I was estranged from my children for 7 years as a result and that’s been a struggle to rebuild 15 years post divorce.
I found it extraordinarily interesting that at over halfway in I’ve heard neither of them mention anything about having a narcissistic judge aids to the trauma of this process. Though I understand we live and play by the rule of not pissing off the narcissist with high titles in particular when we work in their field but not mentioning this makes that checklist incomplete. However I’m committed to perusal til the end of course. Don’t expect it will be brought up as both professional are towing the line still for “professional” aka narcissistic reasons but I really respect Dr Ramani so I’m respectfully perusal til the end rooting for full truth to be disclosed. As having an educated judge who also has a fiduciary duty to be familiar with narcissism unfortunately will never fill compelled unless we demand it by calling their arrogant ass’s out❤
During a very heated argument with the narcissist, he actually said, “You should go get the divorce papers because you know I don’t do any of that stuff”. It should have been a huge red flag when I first met him that I did 95% of the leg work to get him a parenting plan for his first set of children prior to us dating.
h How do you get an attorney if you don’t have any money? I am five years into a divorce against a narcissistic abuser and he has completely destroyed me financially I had an attorney the first two years but I ran out of money very quickly. Now I have nothing I’m in debt I’m two months late on my rent my car was recently repossessed… How am I supposed to pay an attorney? I need one desperately. But I have no way to pay one. My husband has hundreds of thousands of dollars at its disposal and some of it is mine for five years he’s been withholding access to it. There is money, I just have no access and I can’t find an attorney to take me on. I’m in SF Bay Area– anyone know an attorney up here who might be able to help me?
I went through this, he was the one with the money. I had a lawyer from outside the county where I lived And the judge was switched on me, the new judge was having an affair with an attorney who I had spoken to about my abusive husband, the judge was sued by his wife and she won, 250,000. So then the judge was taking it out on woman coming into his court room and he didnt like lawyers who didnt work in the town or county where the courthouse was. It didn’t matter what my lawyer had to say, who was from a shelter, 50 miles away, the Judge wasn’t going to care. Then to add injury, the judge held the divorce decree until the last day and at 430 pm for me to file an appeal. He did it on purpose. A lawyer across the street who I went running into with the decree showing what his lawyer put in was unbelievable and one lie after another told me it was ” meant to fall through the floor” He said it was on purpose. Then we started hearing about more woman complaining about the judge, he was taking out what his wife did to him to woman who were divorcing. He was given the choice to retire early or be removed, he retired with his 150,000 yearly income but everyone knows about him and his affair he had and with whom in our small town. So I think its important for the lawyer to Know the judge. If the judge is going through a divorce or has gone through a divorce, that judge needs to be removed.
I went through a divorce after 10 years of marriage to a narcissist and the judge was horrible to me! He told me it was MY fault that I left after I explained I did because I couldn’t take the abuse anymore! My ex lawyer was so hostile towards me like I had done anything to her and even told me that she didn’t like me because of what my ex told her! My ex took me to court for a divorce that didn’t need to go to court, all it needed was a signature cause we had no kids or assets together but my ex knew I couldn’t afford a lawyer and he wanted to humiliate me! Worse yet he tried to get the judge to take my child, who by the alway is not my ex child, from me and give to CPS! And did I mention my ex harassed me, followed me, threatened me and manipulated anyone who dared to try to help me! He used my mental illnesses that I was diagnosed with because of all the narcissistic abuse on court! It has been 2 years now since I been divorced and I have changed m number, blocked him on every social media and he is still calling around and asking people if they have spoken to me, sending me emails trying to get in contact with me and all of this while having a whole new relationship! The recovery is painful! Often I have to bring myself out of the feelings and thoughts I have because of the abuse!
My spouse filed and was a narcicisst. I did basically everything and there was no way I could fit in more with work and everything else–and their happiness was NOT my responsibility. It was THEIR PROBLEM and I didn’t own one bit of it. No kids or pets to fight over. One thing I gave my spouse credit for was releasing me from an unhappy situation because they never gave ME what I needed–it was ALL about THEM! I was so happy to be divorced–I had no idea just how unhappy I was and thinking of retirement was REALLY scary. PROBLEM SOLVED! I have never been happier!
Oh God!!!! I so wish my niece had had access to Demetria Graves before she got mired in her divorce from hell. Two years later it is not over. And narc has won practically each interaction. The courts and the therapists and court appointed child custody evaluators to date have been in bed with her narcissistic husband.
I lost my brother to suicide so his to be narcissistic wife could get social security because he couldn’t give her the amount she thought she deserved. Of course her parents had to take over and her boys struggled cause the money was used for drugs. And now thirty three years later the same thing has happened to my oldest nephew. He didn’t use a gun tho….Killing himself in a car wreck so his two boys might have a chance to live…. Turning into a horrible nightmare for all people involved. I never had children because I was afraid this very thing might happen to me… yes I married a narc. Been happily divorced for 21 years. My brothers and nephews divorce that never happened because of course the ex now became a widow in the eyes of court. 😢
Started putting all my special stuff and my belongings in my truck. Took a small vacation to Tennessee, procured a job, went back, packed a few more things, gave my 2 week notice, said my goodbyes, and moved into an abandoned, condemned cabin, fixed it up a Lil, in the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains, so happy I abandoned him and all my other stuff. Freedom from him is worth the loss of the house/money…
Happened to me 20 years! I had to leave the house, I was afraid of what he would do to me. I left the state back to family and friends. I left almost everything even my children. I was heartbroken, yet I knew that I had to go. I was penniless and stayed at my brother’s house. I still have 18 thousand dollars in child support. The thing is I never even got to see a Judge, I feel like I am still not heard and I cryed myself to sleep for years because I had to leave my children.
I’m going through that right now! My husband makes a lot of money, he didn’t let me work. I had to go back to work. He has a good lawyer and I don’t. Wanting to give me nothing. I had to sell everything I own, go back to work, and what didn’t sell went to Charity. And I had to move back in with my son and daughter in law. We have gone to Court one time and going again in Jan. His deal is he will go and pay all the back taxes. He hasn’t done them in 5 years. Had threatened to make me pay half even though I didn’t work, and whatever was in the house when he left is mine. But it’s all gone! He left me with my medical bills, his medical bills. I had to struggle to keep paying the rent until the lease was up. Last October I finally was able to have him arrested and he was charged, put on Probation for 3 years where he can’t talk to me. He makes a lot of money, has a good lawyer. I can’t afford one. Evil wins having money And can pay someone to LIE for him! 🤬👿
I went to a domestic violence shelter and used their court advocate to support me as i went through my divorce. I used The Free Legal Clinic for a lawyer and it was very difficult because she recommended mediation. I told the mediator exactly what happened in our relationship and she said, no way i will mediate this. When we went to court the my ex had no attorney, he was angry. I was so happy that I had my advocate to help me. My ex and i were married 23yrs and when i left i was broken badly. The shelter helped me heal and get me a new start to my life. its now 9yrs later and my life is so much better.
I am so grateful for this article. I am identifying with every aspect of this discussion as my children and I are victims of a pathological narcissistic ex-husband. I am a psychiatrist and I appreciate the severity of pathology and the damage it is causing on all of us. At this time, my 11-year-old son has been psychologically abducted by his father and his 12 year old “Irish twin” sister is suffering emotionally. We have been abandoned by and are victims of a failed justice system. Our family desperately needs help.
I was with mine for 6.5yrs before we married. He knew my view on what marriage is and he agreed. He lied about himself so it doesn’t matter if you discuss marriage expatations when the Narc is lying the entire time. He showed me his true self with in 2 months of marriage and I had to figure out the new way I was supposed to live and act. So glad I will be free soon
Wow! That advice was so beyond helpful! On a funny note, I wasn’t quite awake this morning when I saw this on my YouTube home page and I read it quickly and I thought it said “The Dangers of Divorcing a Narcissist with Dementia Graves.” I was just about to look up what disease was Dementia Graves till I stopped and read it more carefully. Ha! I had to laugh at loud at myself. I really loved Demetria Graves, she seems like a wonderful person. If you happen to see this comment please forgive me.
In 2016, I left the father of my daughters. 2017, we had a DV, cops were called, and I was arrested for assaulting him. ( I was just trying to get away while he was strangling me) so I hit him. He was arrested for having a gun, and he’s a felon. CPS picked up.my kids we both went to jail, and CPS said he was the victim even though he was a felon with a gun when the incident happened. His background are Drive by shootings and selling firearms to a federal agent. Yet CPS closed my case and gave my kids to their dad. Ever since then, I have been fighting to get my kids back. I’ve spent so much money on attorneys. 1 attorney actually started using meth and took my money. Shocker!! I beat my DV case, and now I saved enough money to hire another attorney. All I want is 50/50 and my dad’s father just will not settle next month we go to trial. For what? For nothing.just cause he’s so mad at me for leaving and moving on. I guess I really will never know why or even get closer.
After a while grey rock gets too obvious. They still turn it against you. Do in order to get them away from you or to walk away w out a huge fight… they need a little bit more than Grey rock like yellow rock. Giving them a little bit back in forth of small short conversation mixed w boring quietness. It makes then give up faster.
I’ve seen the big rush to get out with the monkey jump. The best thing that ever could happen to him…. She could’ve got maintenance and other money but she was in a hurry to get out. She’s complaining he’s not giving her the promises …. She doesn’t have the money to take him back in court. Now the guy she monkey jumped with doesn’t want her to move in with her 3 years later and now starting to twisting his arm 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I filled after almost 18 yrs of marriage, during covid lockdown. He was shocked when I filed. He never thought that I would learn to have self respect, set boundaries or get the courage to leave, because I was financially dependent on him after following him around in his military career as a wife of a LtC Army officer. We agreed on how we were going to split everything and get a quick divorce, so I thought. He agreed to giving me half because he thought that he could love bomb me and get me back. Little did I know how badly things would get. Even after the divorce he found a loop hole to take me back to court and mediate It turned into a 2 1/2 yr battle to steal kill and destroy me because he couldn’t stand to give me anything or to lose his control over me. He tried to devastate me leaving me with nothing.
I sure wish this was around when I divorced my 1st ex-husband, and then when I filed for custody of my grandson from my narcissistic middle daughter… whom also… brought her narcissistic father (my 1st ex) to court with her. H.O.W. can you WIN against 2 narcissistic individuals???? Especially…. when there is only ONE JUDGE so you can’t even appeal the judges decision, and the judge does NOT believe in narcissism.
Divorcing my narc ex took 8 years to finalize an uncontested divorce without attorneys. I convinced him that it wasn’t worth ruining his finances, so he agreed to the uncontested, but in the mean time I had to deal with death threats, having my car vandalized multiple times, having him turn our son against me via expensive toys and other material things, numerous violations of my visitation rights, etc. I didn’t bring any of this into the court hearing because all I wanted was to be free of him and to get my sanity back. I understand how ugly it can get. I will never get married again and I will never co-mingle finances with anyone.
Divorced 2003. In and out of court until 2017 concerning child and visitation support. He never abided by the court decree. He was constantly wanting to change the visitation. Meeting and pick up was a nightmare! My poor kids traumatized. I have been slandered and my kids don’t want to have a relationship and see me as the problem.
When discussing the “informed consent” form idea prior to marriage, I didn’t hear mention of lies, such as, “Yes, I want children, too” and other big whoppers that the Narcissistic partner later denies they ever said. Otherwise, this interview/discussion was the most detailed. What a great guest, and what breadth of questions that completely covered the topic.
I can relate to so much of this. Thank you, Doctor Ramani, for having this woman on your podcast to inform people going up against a narcissist in divorce! I have been a stay at home mom for 13 years, worked sort of part time jobs a few times once my kids got old enough and were in school. But both kids have needed supports in school along the way and have various diagnoses that needed support at home as well, so I was never able to go back to work full time. After 20 years of narcissistic abuse to myself and our children, I had enough and filed for divorce. I had saved up a little money in order to start the process and have a part time, work from home job that has allowed me to barely make it month to month and continue carrying for our kids ( he does not do any parenting). He decided to force me into a corner to go back to work full time so he wouldn’t have to pay as much child support, and wanted me to move out, so he drained all of our life savings, bank accounts, revoked all access to any financial assets. I don’t have any family living here, so I have nowhere to go, so we are still living in the same house. It is constant chaos. He’s locked myself and our kids out of the basement, AND still sleeps in our guest bedroom, with full access to the entire house. Constantly harasses myself and our kids. Takes things on a regular basis so that I have trouble cooking and storing food (I’m the only one who cooks, cleans and parents the kids), then tries to go into the fridge for food when I’m not around.
OMG, I am so screwed. 🙁 First, my lawyer dragged case for 4 years, didn’t do ANYTHING. And dropped me right before court. Yes, she took $20K for that. I was happy to get continuence, or whatever it is called. I trusted her. And everything you described here… OMG, I wish I saw this earlier. It’s like You described my life. I am scared dunno what to do. And what I hate…. My husband was saying it the entire time, 12 years, that “I don’t know how law works”, he was so confident. Looks like he is right. It’s not fair. 😭
I understand the narcissistic ex-husband hiring narcissistic lawyers to represent him as the defendent in a contested divorce case, as mine was, but the unfortunate thing is when the wife, unbeknownst to her, selects a narcissistic lawyer to represent HER as the plaintiff in the divorce case. This was even worse in the aftermath of my divorce too. Talk about a “No Win” situation. 😢
They forget a very important factor and that’s what a narcissist likely will do in court, to their everybody including their own attorneys. They will often LIE and even ignore court orders when it comes to laying money and everything else, but sometimes even worse things such as lie to the judge and say that their spouse did sign a prenup, an agreement when they didn’t. They gaslight the judges and attorneys so badly that the victim ends up getting yelled at by their own legal team for “not so losing ” a prenup – when it’s a LIE. It not only gaslight the victim one more time, making them question their sanity, but they gaslight the attorneys on both sides as well. Of course all of this will be proven in court later on, but in the meantime it’s very stressful and you wonder how much further they can go, falsifying signatures. . .
For those that have children read the parental affidavit very carefully and anticipate the exchange process of where there are going to be problems. These forms are generic. For example during the summer you might have custody Monday to Monday from 9am to 9am and then switch A better exchange is Sunday to Sunday at 7 or 8 pm. Also ask for the parental affidavit to be informed because I have been told by the police that if the child is not in danger then they can’t force your spouse to return the child.
I’m not going to watch this one because I divorced that one and he took possession of our two boys and he lied and cheated and really truly broke my life in two and that was in 1973 so you can have it but you’ve certainly helped me understand what happened to me back then and I’ve done very well and gluing it all together. Can’t chew it over though after all this time. Just know that whatever you say negatively is true.
I enjoyed this interview, just some of this stuff that the attorney is talking about is what non narcissistic people use to protect ourselves and show proof of them doing certain things. If the court system is ignorant of this and your lawyer they will not fight for you. She’s right they just want to get it over with.
One of my friend is now in this Situationen .. She was so Naiv and thought that he will Change by having a second Child wothout knowing it will make her Situation far more Worst.. She waited 19yrs untill she saw that her Husband threating her like a Housemaid and a Person whom he just needed to get Impregnated..
He signed my name off our home that we raised our children in for 23 years, in the name of a re-fi knowing that I worked part time job for the school district to get my girls through school. I ended up having to move from our three bedroom home near the ocean to a one bedroom apartment. Our home, our kid’s inheritance was not even safe. I waited for three years to file, hoping he’d Change his mind, but my girls were being groomed to turn on me. & felt defensive all the time and my kids caught in between plus Three years of lagging to provide docs. The only thing I asked for was marriage and family counseling and that was too much. He had a law degree that I helped him to get and decided to represent himself. He kept warning me that I would lose in the end and have nothing, but in the end I allowed him to use my attorney’s for his last step and he felt entitled to as well. Now that I’m educating myself about Narcissism. I’m also very aware that I was born to Narcissistic parents so I’m even learning how to recover from this myself.
The narcissist wants to punish you for divorcing them. They will stop paying community debts, max out credit cards, turn off utilities in their name, use your shared phone accounts, social media, take you and the children off health insurance, use your friends, family, and neighbors to harrass and spy on you, and lie about you to them. They will quit their job, and stop paying anything, and may work “under the table”. They lie about you to the children, blame you for being mean to them, buying affection, crying and whining, threatening suicide. No rules, no bedtime, violent games and movies. You and the children may need counseling. Direct the narcissist that communication should be through the attorneys. (Part of gray rock) Child support should go through the courts so they cant hold it over your head. Develop a good relationship with your attorney, because you may need to hire them multiple times. Keep all communication and records, keep a calendar and a journal.
I had my own home and my own business when I met and married the narrsacisst. 17 years. Hell. 1 son. 1 year to divorce. Nothing settled when finalized. I got nothing. He put a protective order on me because my 15 year old son was brainwashed and wound up attacking me. I got nothing. The property was just settled, so 2 years to finish divorce. Somehow my brake line on my car was severed. Totally lost brakes. By the grace of God I was going slow when I got in and realized. Mysteriously my house caught fire at 2:30am. I almost died in it. My lawyer did nothing so I fired him during property settlement. I’m unemployed and have no money. I’m disabled. I now owe over $30,000, he destroyed my credit, destroyed my career and my mental and physical health is terrible. I’m penniless and waiting for the utilities to go off.
My exhusband told the judge that I was a bad mother because I worked night shifts. I had to change my job because of the shifts that I worked. I understand that night shifts were hard, but in the profession I was in, I had to wait for a day shift to open up to get day shift. Plus, day shifts were harder because they started at 6am, before any daycare opened. He made being able to support myself almost impossible. He still harassed me and made comments even after I started a day shift and figured out child care. I finally threatened to quit, move into a low income apartment, and collect food stamps. Seriously, there is nothing that they won’t beat you over the head with. My, or our, daughter is still scarred. He was just as abusive to her as he was to me. She no longer has anything to do with him, even though he technically has partial custody. She refuses to go with him.
26 year marriage of a lot of verbal and financial abuse. I finally had a decent job and my own money and filed divorced. I’m on year 3 of trying to finalize divorce. We settled and then he canceled and lied said I committed fraud. Now we have a trial. It’s lengthy and it’s expensive to divorce a narcissist. No matter what, I’m getting through this and so much better off without him. I waited until all 4 of my kids were adults. But I don’t recommend that. Please leave if you are in this type of relationship. It’s detrimental to your health. I’m much healthier now. I was suffering from panic and anxiety attacks. High blood pressure and close to stroke because of his abuse.
My process went like this each of us had our divorce attorney then we had to have a mediator attorney to get us to settle how we are going to share our child. Then if parents can’t agree then the courts will assign a gal which is 3 meetings 1 for each parent and then for the child. And the parental affidavit has to be settled before the finances are settled. Then if you still have issues with the coparent then the court will send you to a peace program which will cost you each $80 and is a meeting one day a week for 4 hours. For 6-8 weeks
Two sharp people here. I just won a 6 year battle with a narcissistic sociopath, who broke up her equally narcissistic attorney’s marriage, stole our kid to move 6 hours away to move in with him and he was opposing counsel. I had a great mom, so I was woefully unprepared to realize the narcissistic sociopath with whom I shared a child. Above all else, make sure that what you are doing, every action, every conversation, is in the best interests of the kids. Otherwise, you’ll lose and that other person will create another narcissist as their legacy. I have to keep fighting so that my awesome, loving, emotionally mature kid continues that way, rather than be another clone of the women in the mother’s family. Narcissism works for beautiful women! It’s effective! That’s in no way a slam on women. It works for handsome, charming men, too. I did engage too much, but I did make sure that ALL COMMUNICATIONS WERE DIGITAL. Saved my behind. Don’t ever lie. You never need to. The truth WILL set you free! Hire a hood Guardian Ad Litem. Expensive, but if you have your ducks in a row, their opinion is a hammer.
I just cannot watch this. Believe! They will do things you did not believe they were capable of. Shake you to the core. You thought you knew this person? Nope. Suddenly you’ll be looking the devil straight in the eyes, and it is bloody terrifying. My best advice? I’m not a lawyer or a therapist, and also not kidding: Pray that THEY leave YOU! That way, see, they’ve already won! Ego unscathed. -Bow your head. -Eat your pride. -Bite your tongue. and… Get every sentimental possession you have out of your home now. (Grandma’s quilt. Your best friends postcards, whatever.) If you keep personal journals, hide them or shred them. Know where everybody’s vital documents are. Assume everything you write or say is now on a bulliten board! Change your passwords, Clear your search history, You have Zero Privacy. The upside of this humiliating escape? -You may keep your sanity -You might get lucky and keep custody of your children. -If you’re even luckier, maybe you’ll keep your home. Most of all: -They may not feel the urge to grind your flesh through a wood chipper. I wish I was joking.
So grateful that a marriage didn’t happen with my kids’ father back in my 20’s & we were together 7 years! However, I know someone who got roped in with one & at the time he started dealing with her, she was still married to her ex husband… who she setup in their divorce, after playing sides for awhile. She really put the guy through the ringer too, they have a young daughter together who she is verbally abusive to & ALOT has come out since then about her character & true nature. She is very much the type that wants to win at all costs & will do/say whatever, to get the upper hand, including twisting storylines, to play the victim, among other things.
It was long and cost almost 6 figures – contestation of support, contestation of temporary support, having an ” employability expert” try to prove I don’t need support… But here are TWO THINGS NARC’S DON’T KNOW- AT ALL – 1. You are smart 2. You aren’t scared of them anymore These will work in your favor and they will be blindsided.
My husband is a narcissist but he’s also an alcoholic, has had a DUI, had to go to AA. Had to go to therapy, but threatens me that he’s gonna take the kids away from me. I’m a housewife, my record is clean. So I’m not sure how he’s gonna pull that off. Still Nerve wrecking. He leaves us for months at a role every single year to go drink and party with his friends. Tells me he doesn’t care about the kids etc.